IN WHICH THE AGENCY OF A RED-HERRING IS AGAIN INTRODUCED INTO OUR
WONDERFUL HISTORY.
We are somewhat inclined to moralise. We did not intend to write this
day. On the contrary, we had arranged for a party of pleasure and
relaxation, in which the heels, and every other portion of the body
upwards, except the brain, were to be employed, and that was to have a
respite. The morning was fair, and we promised ourselves amusement, but
we were deceived, and we returned to our task, as the rain poured down
in torrents, washing the dirty face of mother earth. Yes, deceived; and
here we cannot help observing, that this history of ours is a very true
picture of human life--for what a complication of treachery does it not
involve!
Smallbones is deceiving his master, Mr Vanslyperken--the corporal is
deceiving Mr Vanslyperken--the widow is deceiving Mr Vanslyperken, so
is Babette, and the whole crew of the Yungfrau. Ramsay is deceiving his
host and his mistress. All the Jacobites, in a mass, are plotting
against and deceiving the Government, and as for Mr Vanslyperken, as it
will soon appear, he is deceiving everybody, and will ultimately deceive
himself. The only honest party in the whole history is the one most
hated, as generally is the case in this world--I mean Snarleyyow. There
is no deceit about him, and therefore, par _excellence_, he is fairly
entitled to be the hero of, and to give his name to, the work. The next
most honest party in the book is Wilhelmina; all the other women, except
little Lilly, are cheats and impostors--and Lilly is too young; our
readers may, therefore, be pleased to consider Snarleyyow and Wilhelmina
as the hero and heroine of the tale, and then it will leave one curious
feature in it, the principals will not only not be united, but the tale
will wind up without their ever seeing each other. _Allons en avant_.
But of all the treachery practised by all the parties, it certainly
appears to us that the treachery of the widow was the most odious and
diabolical. She was, like a bloated spider, slowly entwining those
threads for her victim which were to entrap him to his destruction, for
she had vowed that she never would again be led to the hymeneal altar
until Mr Vanslyperken was hanged. Perhaps, the widow Vandersloosh was
in a hurry to be married; at least, by her activity, it would so
appear--but let us not anticipate.
The little sofa was fortunately, like its build, strong as a cob, or it
never could have borne the weight of two such lovers as the widow
Vandersloosh and the Corporal Van Spitter; there they sat, she radiant
with love and beer, he with ditto; their sides met, for the sofa exactly
took them both in, without an inch to spare; their hands met, their eyes
met, and whenever one raised the glass, the other was on the alert, and
their glasses met and jingled--a mere practical specimen of hob and nob
was never witnessed. There was but one thing wanting to complete their
happiness, which, unlike other people's, did not hang upon a thread, but
something much stronger, it hung upon a cord--the cord which was to hang
Mr Vanslyperken.
And now the widow, like the three Fates rolled into one, is weaving the
woof, and, in good Dutch, is pouring into the attentive ear of the
corporal her hopes and fears, her surmises, her wishes, her
anticipations, and her desires--and he imbibes them all greedily,
washing them down with the beer of the widow's own brewing.
"He has not been to the house opposite these two last arrivals," said
the widow, "that is certain; for Babette and I have been on the watch.
There was hanging matter there. Now I won't believe but that he must go
somewhere; he carries his letters, and takes his gold as before, depend
upon it. Yes, and I will find it out. Yes, yes, Mr Vanslyperken, we
will see who is the 'cutest--you or the widow Vandersloosh."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the corporal.
"Now he landed a passenger last time, which he called a king's
messenger, and I am as sure as I sit here, that he was no king's
messenger, unless he was one of King James's, as was; for look you,
Corporal Van Spitter, do you suppose that King William would employ an
Englishman, as you say he was, for a messenger, when a Dutchman was to
be had for love or money? No, no, we must find out where he goes to. I
will have some one on the look-out when you come again, and then set
Babette on the watch; she shall track him up to the den of his
treachery. Yes, yes, Mr Vanslyperken, we will see who gains the day,
you or the widow Vandersloosh."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the corporal.
"And now, corporal, I've been thinking over all this ever since your
absence, and all you have told me about his cowardly attempts upon that
poor boy's life, and his still greater cowardice in believing such stuff
as you have made him believe about the lad not being injured by mortal
man. Stuff and nonsense! the lad is but a lad."
"Mein Gott! yes," said the corporal.
"And now, corporal, I'll tell you something else, which is, that you and
the Yungfraus are just as great fools as Mynheer Vanslyperken, in
believing all that stuff and nonsense about the dog. The dog is but a
dog."
This was rather a trial to the corporal's politeness; to deny what the
widow said might displease; and, as he firmly believed otherwise, he was
put to a nonplus; but the widow looked him full in the face, expecting
assent, so at last the corporal drawled out--
"Mein Gott! yes--a tog is but a tog."
The widow was satisfied; and not perceiving the nice distinction,
continued:--
"Well, then, corporal, as a lad is but a lad, and a dog is but a dog, I
have been setting my wits to work about getting the rascally traitor in
my power. I mean to pretend to take every interest in him, and to get
all his secrets, and then, when he tells me that Smallbones cannot be
hurt by mortal man, I shall say he can by woman, at all events; and then
I shall make a proposition, which he'll accept fast enough, and then
I'll have more hanging matter for him, besides getting rid of the cur.
Yes, yes, Mr Vanslyperken, match a woman if you can. We'll see if your
dog is to take possession of my bedroom again."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the corporal again.
"And now I'll tell you what I'll do, Mr Corporal; I will prepare it
myself; and then, Mr Vanslyperken shall have it grilled for his
breakfast, and then he shall not eat it, but leave it for Smallbones,
and then Smallbones shall pretend to eat it, but put it in his pocket,
and then (for it won't do to do it on board, or he'll find out that the
lad has given it to the dog) he shall bring it on shore, and give it to
the dog here in the yard, so that he shall kill the dog himself, by
wishing to kill others. Do you understand, corporal?"
"Mein Gott! yes, I understand what you say; but what is it that you are
to prepare?"
"What? why, a red-herring, to be sure."
"But how will a red-herring kill a body or a dog?"
"Lord, corporal, how stupid you are! I'm to put arsenic in."
"Yes; but you left that out till now."
"Did I? well, that was an oversight; but now, corporal, you understand
it all?"
"Mein Gott! yes; but if the lad does not die, what will he think?"
"Think! that he can take poison like pea-soup, without injury, and that
neither man nor woman can take his life; be afraid of the lad, and leave
him alone."
"Mein Gott! yes," replied the rather obtuse corporal, who now understood
the whole plot.
Such was the snare laid for Mr Vanslyperken by the treacherous widow;
and before the cutter sailed, it was put in execution. She received the
lieutenant now as an accepted lover, allowed him to talk of the day,
wormed out of him all his secrets except that of his treason, abused
Smallbones, and acknowledged that she had been too hasty about the dog,
which she would be very happy to see on shore. Vanslyperken could
hardly believe his senses--the widow forgive Snarleyyow, and all for his
sake--he was delighted, enchanted, threw himself at her feet, and vowed
eternal gratitude with his lips--but vengeance in his heart.
Oh! Mr Vanslyperken, you deserved to be deceived.
The dislike expressed by the widow against Smallbones was also very
agreeable to the lieutenant, and he made her his confidant, stating what
the corporal had told him relative to the appearance of Smallbones when
he was adrift.
"Well then, lieutenant," said the widow, "if mortal man can't hurt him,
mortal woman may; and for my love for you I will prepare what will rid
you of him. But, Vanslyperken, recollect there's nothing I would not do
for you; but if it were found out--O dear! O dear!"
The widow then informed him that she would prepare a red-herring with
arsenic, which he should take on board, and order Smallbones to grill
for his breakfast; that he was to pretend not to be well, and to allow
it to be taken away by the lad, who would, of course, eat it fast
enough.
"Excellent!" replied Vanslyperken, who felt not only that he should get
rid of Smallbones, but have the widow in his power. "Dearest widow, how
can I be sufficiently grateful! Oh! how kind, how amiable you are!"
continued Vanslyperken, mumbling her fat fingers, which the widow
abandoned to him without reserve.
Who would have believed that, between these two, there existed a deadly
hatred? We might imagine such a thing to take place in the refinement
and artificial air of a court, but not in a Dutch Lust Haus at
Amsterdam. That evening, before his departure, did the widow present
her swain with the fatal herring; and the swain received it with as many
marks of gratitude and respect, as some knight in ancient times would
have shown when presented with some magical gift by his favouring
genius.
The red-herring itself was but a red-herring, but the charm consisted in
the twopenny-worth of arsenic.
The next morning Vanslyperken did not fail to order the red-herring for
his breakfast, but took good care not to eat it.
Smallbones, who had been duly apprised of the whole plan, asked his
master, as he cleared away, whether he should keep the red-herring for
the next day; but Mr Vanslyperken very graciously informed him that he
might eat it himself. About an hour afterwards, Mr Vanslyperken went
on shore, taking with him, for the first time, Snarleyyow, and desiring
Smallbones to come with him, with a bag of biscuit for the widow. This
plan had been proposed by the widow, as Smallbones might be supposed to
have eaten something on shore. Smallbones took as good care as his
master not to eat the herring, but put it in his pocket as a _bonne
bouche_ for Snarleyyow. Mr Vanslyperken, as they pulled on shore,
thought that the lad smelt very strong of herring, and this satisfied
him that he had eaten it; but to make more sure, he exclaimed--
"Confound it, how you smell of red-herring!"
"That's all along of having eaten one, sir," replied Smallbones,
grinning.
"You'll grin in another way before an hour is over," thought his master.
The lieutenant, the dog, and the biscuit, were all graciously received.
"Has he eaten it?" inquired the widow.
"Yes," replied Vanslyperken, with a nod. "Empty the bag, and I will
send him on board again."
"Not yet, not yet--give him half an hour to saunter, it will be better.
That poor dog of yours must want a little grass," said the widow,
"always being on board. Let him run a little in the yard, he will, find
plenty there."
The obedient lieutenant opened the back-door, and Snarleyyow, who had
not forgotten either the widow or Babette, went out of his own accord.
Mr Vanslyperken looked to ascertain if the yard-door which led to the
street was fast, and then returned, shutting the back-door after him.
Smallbones was waiting at the porch as usual.
"Babette," cried the widow, "mind you don't open the yard-door and let
Mr Vanslyperken's dog out. Do you hear?"
Smallbones, who understood this as the signal, immediately slipped
round, opened the yard door took the herring out of his pocket, and
threw it to Snarleyyow. The dog came to it, smelt it, seized it, and
walked off with his ears and tail up, to the sunny side of the yard,
intending to have a good meal; and Smallbones, who was afraid of Mr
Vanslyperken catching him in the fact, came out of the yard, and
hastened to his former post at the porch. He caught Babette's eye,
coming down-stairs, and winked and smiled. Babette walked into the
room, caught the eye of the mistress, and winked and smiled. Upon
which, the widow ordered Babette to empty the bread-bag and give it to
Smallbones, to take on board--an order repeated by Vanslyperken. Before
he returned to the boat Smallbones again passed round to the yard-door.
Snarleyyow was there but no signs of the red-herring. "He's a-eaten it
all, by gum," said Smallbones, grinning, and walking away to the boat
with the bread-bag over his shoulder. As soon as he had arrived on
board, the lad communicated the fact to the crew of the Yungfrau, whose
spirits were raised by the intelligence with the exception still of old
Coble, who shook his head, and declared, "It was twopence and a
red-herring thrown away."
Mr Vanslyperken returned on board in the afternoon, fully expecting to
hear of Smallbones being very ill. He was surprised that the man in the
boat did not tell him, and he asked them carelessly if there was
anything new on board, but received a reply in the negative. When he
came on board, followed by Snarleyyow, the eyes of the crew were
directed towards the dog, to see how he looked; but he appeared just as
lively and as cross-grained as ever, and they all shook their heads.
Vanslyperken sent for Smallbones, and looked him hard in the face.
"Ar'n't you well?" inquired he.
"Well, sir!" replied Smallbones: "I'd a bit of a twinge in my stummick,
this morning, but it's all gone off now."
Mr Vanslyperken waited the whole day for Smallbones to die, but he did
not. The crew of the vessel waited the whole day for the cur to die,
but he did not. What inference could be drawn? The crew made up their
minds that the dog was supernatural; and old Coble told them that he
told them so. Mr Vanslyperken made up his mind that Smallbones was
supernatural, and the corporal shook his head, and told him that he told
him so.
The reason why Snarleyyow did not die was simply this, that he did not
eat the red-herring. He had just laid it between his paws, and was
about to commence, when Smallbones, having left the yard-door open in
his hurry, the dog was perceived by a dog bigger than he, who happened
to pass that way, and who pounced upon Snarleyyow, trampling him over
and over, and walked off with the red-herring, which he had better have
left alone, as he was found dead the next morning.
The widow heard, both from the corporal and Vanslyperken, the failure of
both their projects. That Smallbones was not poisoned she was not
surprised to hear, but she took care to agree with Vanslyperken that all
attempts upon him were useless; but that the dog still lived was indeed
a matter of surprise, and the widow became a convert to the corporal's
opinion that the dog was not to be destroyed.
"A whole twopenny-worth of arsenic! Babette, only think what a cur it
must be!" And Babette, as well as her mistress, lifted up her hands in
amazement, exclaiming, "What a cur, indeed!"