ON THE SANDS
In a few months the first stress of the panic lifted. The worry
creases between men's eyes were being ironed out. A few who had money,
taking advantage of cheap labor and materials, began to build. Dick
Holden came home, with a trunkful of presents for his friends and
another of English clothes for himself, and at once became busy.
The Quentins were still hanging on--"by a frog's hair," David said.
But they had paid. It always costs to survive.
They had paid, despite their brave words, in the coin of worry. More
than once David had jingled a few coins in his pocket, wondering where
he could add to them on the morrow and when he had borrowed how he
could repay.
But they had paid with a bigger price than that. The pretty flower of
romance was withering in the shade. The cozy little times, when one
chair did for both and they became beautifully silly, were fewer and
briefer now. When they tucked Davy Junior in at night and whispered
that he was almost too bright to be healthy, shadowing their pride was
the chill cloud of fear that he, too, might have to feel the pinch.
Often they moved restlessly about the apartment or sat listlessly
yawning, wishing there were something to do. And sometimes, without
warning, quarrels would blaze, over nothing at all. It is so easy to
mislay your temper when worry is gnawing at your heart, and perhaps you
don't try very hard to find it. David always had to find his first,
but the making up was never quite perfect.
And, though their well-to-do friends were beginning to talk of new
model cars and going abroad once more, the Quentins continued to be
hard up. David seemed to have struck a dead level. One month business
would be pretty good; the next he would make almost nothing. But the
average was always the same, and always a little less than they spent.
The note at Jim Blaisdell's bank and the little loans from Dick Holden
kept slowly piling up, and though neither Jim nor Dick ever dunned him,
the thought of his debts weighed heavily on David's heart.
It was worse than if they had had a steady income. They were kept
zigzagging between hope and disappointment, and when they had money, it
was often spent foolishly. David did his best to save. His suits and
overcoat had shiny spots. He smoked only cheap tobacco that burned his
tongue. He gave up even the dairy lunch, saying that two meals a day
were enough for any man. He walked, rain or shine, to and from his
office, and bought no more books. But the sum of these savings seemed
pitifully small. Shirley, too, did without things during the lean
months. But when a fee came in she could never say no to her wants.
"We must have this. We must do that," she would say.
"Dear, don't you think we'd better go slow?" he would venture.
"Oh, what's the use of having money, if not to get what we want?"
"We could use it to pay a little to Jim and--"
"Oh, let Jim and Dick wait. They can afford it. I've had to do
without so much I think I've a right to this little spree. And I
_hate_ to wait for things. If I wait, they lose all their fun."
It always ended in her having her own way. But sometimes David
wondered whether she would have lost interest in him, too, if she had
had to wait.
For he saw that another goblin had come unbidden into their home:
Discontent. He had learned to seek and always found the wistful look
with which she regarded their callers' pretty gowns or heard tales of
jolly dinners at the club. (Months ago the club had been dropped.)
And he knew that in her heart she was drawing comparisons.
Once she said, "It wasn't like this when Maizie and I were together."
She did not guess the barb she left quivering in his heart.
Dick Holden was making no such heavy weather of it. He was even so
busy that little odds and ends of his work were turned over to David,
crusts for which the latter was as grateful as the Lazaruses always
have been. But this suggested another comparison to Shirley.
"Dick Holden gets business and makes money, and everybody says he's not
half so clever as you. How does he do it?"
"He works people for their business."
"Then why don't you do that?"
"I don't know how. And if I did know, I couldn't, anyhow. The people
that come to me come because they have confidence in my ability. If
they don't have confidence, I couldn't work them because--I just
couldn't, that's all."
"You're too thin-skinned. If I were a man I'd _make_ them come to me,
and then I'd teach them to have confidence--the way Dick Holden does."
"Dick Holden's way, somebody else's, never mine," he thought bitterly,
"is always the best."
But he did not let her see him wince. Instead, he said gently, "In the
long run it's not the sound way. If I do good work, some day people
will realize it and come to me. And I _do_ good work," he cried, not
to boast, but because their courage needed a tonic, "and some day when
I get my chance I'll do far finer."
She smiled wearily. "Some day! It's always some day. Why don't you
_make_ your chance--as Dick does?"
That talk rankled in David's heart long after Shirley had forgotten it.
She could say such things and forget them in an hour. But her
comparisons never angered him, only hurt. He tried to be just, and
blamed himself for their predicament. If he had been wise and firm at
the beginning, when the temptations to indulgences came, they could
have escaped these troublous waters. Firmness now seemed only cruel.
"You see," he would explain to himself, trying to believe, "she's
really only a child still. It is very hard on her. If I said no to
things now, she wouldn't understand. I must just make it as easy as
possible for her--somehow." But he sighed, "If only we could give up
this apartment and live cheaply and--and honestly until we're on our
feet. If only she'd look at it that way!"
He had suggested that to Shirley once--but only once. "Oh, no!" she
had cried. "That would be a confession to everybody. It would be
humiliating, more than I could bear. We've got to keep this apartment
and not let people know we're hard up."
They thought people did not know.
So it went for nearly two years. You must not think there were no
happy times, hours or days or even weeks when they took joy in their
love and Davy Junior; though more and more these times lost their
wonderfulness and the power to charm away the grisly goblin Care. But
the ugly or weary or despondent hours bulked largest in David's mind
because he took them so keenly to heart. Yet, though his debts slowly
grew, and he was always a month behind in his office and apartment
rent, he did not lose faith in himself; he gave his very best to the
little business he had and worked away at his sketches, which grew
better all the time. (It hurt him more than a little that Shirley took
no interest in them.) And though he saw clearly that she had faults,
even as you and I, he did not lose faith in Shirley nor cease to love
her. Often at nights, especially after there had been a quarrel, he
stole away from his sketching to the room where she slept with the baby
by her side and lightly kissed her hair or an outflung arm. Then the
old tender protective impulse swept over him; he wished he were the
sort of man that could give her all the things she wanted, thinking
that the way to prove a love.
Then a "chance" came. Or, rather, he tried to make one. A rich parish
decided that it could best honor God by building a new church, finer
and costlier than anything else in the city, and invited several
architects to submit plans. David entered the competition, not by the
adroit methods Dick Holden practised, but in the simple open-handed
fashion which alone was possible to him. He went to the chairman of
the building committee.
"Will you let me submit plans?" he asked.
"I suppose so," Bixby said carelessly, eying his caller dubiously.
For David, though he had carefully pressed his trousers for the
occasion, was getting to be a little shabby. If you looked close you
saw that his cuffs were trimmed, his necktie was threadbare and his
shoes were run down at the heels. And he had not the look that speaks
of success. Seeing him, Bixby did not think as people had used to
think, "This is a young man who will do big things some day."
"When must the plans be filed?"
The chairman told him, and added, "You understand, of course, they have
to be bang-up--up-to-date in every particular, and _impressive_?"
"Some things," David said gravely, "are so beautiful that they are
up-to-date in every age. And real beauty is always impressive because
it is so rare."
"Humph!" said Bixby, and dismissed his caller.
David set to work that very night, going over all his old sketches in
search of the best. And because none of them had ever quite satisfied
him, he discarded them all. He began a new series of sketches, sitting
up at nights long after he should have been asleep. He discarded
these, too. For this idea must be so very good that the committee
couldn't help accepting it.
"I think," he told himself often, "I have reached the point where I can
do something really worth while."
One night when he had gone reluctantly to bed, sleep would not come.
For a long while he lay staring at a white patch of moonlight on the
floor.
Suddenly he sat up, sprang out of bed and, still in his pajamas, sat
down before his easel.
In the morning Shirley found him there, looking raptly at the completed
sketch.
"David Quentin, what in the name of common sense are you doing here?"
"Look!" he whispered, almost in awe. "This is it."
Shirley looked. And she, who had picked up a little knowledge of
architecture from him, knew that it was good.
"Do you think," she asked, "do you think it really has a chance?"
"Shirley, it's so good I can hardly believe it came out of my head.
Maybe it didn't, but just passed through coming from--somewhere."
He was thinking it was an inspiration. . . . Well, since then many men
who ought to know have thought and said the same thing about that
church.
For two months he toiled every spare moment of the day and in the still
watches of the night, elaborating that first rough sketch, working out
details, which came to him as of their own accord, making beautiful
plans and elevations and long sheets of specifications. He gave to the
work enthusiasm, patience and stern criticism. In return it gave him a
new faith in himself. And hope. He _knew_ he would not fail in this.
It was not really hard work. For, as the weeks sped by, there grew up
in his heart a love for the thing to which he was giving birth, deep,
warm and abiding, a love that counted no hour of labor too heavy, no
task too exacting. He did not care to think of the day when the work
must pass out of his hands.
A little of his ardor entered into Shirley. She, too, hoped. She
thought of the fee such a commission would bring, of the release from
care and the good times that fee would buy. Sometimes she had a
glimpse of the new love growing up in David's heart, but, though she
did not wholly like that, she gave it no serious thought.
"Would you mind coming back to me?" she asked one evening, thus
bringing him out of a smiling brown study.
"I was just thinking what it would feel like to see the church _real_."
"Don't you ever think of the money it will bring?"
"That, too, sometimes. But I never knew before how much the work--just
being in it, you know--means to me."
"That's very temperamental," she said with a shrug. "Sometimes I
believe you think more of your work than you do of your family."
"I love you both," he answered gently. "And I don't love you and Davy
Junior less because I think so much of the work."
It was a fleeting shadow. Those months of preparation and hope were
the happiest they had had since the panic began.
Only once did his faith waver. It was on the day when Dick Holden, a
roll of plans under his arm, came into the office.
"Davy, are you too busy to do a little job for me?"
That was the formula Dick, who was very thoughtful in little things,
always used when he turned work over to David.
"I guess I can make room--with crowding." That was the reply David,
with a smile only half humorous, always made. "What is it?"
"I want you to make one of your pretty-pretty pictures of some church
plans I'm making."
"What church?"
"St. Christopher's."
David looked up quickly. "Let's see the plans."
Dick spread them out on the table. David glanced over them hastily.
"You're trying for it with that?"
"Even so." Dick laughed. Dick at that stage of his career laid no
claims to genius. "But I know what I'm doing. I've been talking with
old man Bixby."
David looked up again.
"Dick, it's fair to tell you that I'm trying for that St. Christopher's
job myself."
"Meaning you'd rather not make pretty-pretty pictures for a competitor?"
"No. I mean you'd be wasting your money."
"Why?"
David drew out his original sketch and laid it before Dick.
Dick looked--and looked again. He leaned over and studied it intently,
his eyes widening and shining. Suddenly with a queer gesture he rose
and went to a window. He stood there, back turned to David, for
several minutes.
When he turned a flush was on his face and he found it hard to meet
David's questioning eyes.
"Davy, it's good. It's damn good. It's so much better than mine that
I can't find a comparison. I know just enough architecture to be sure
of that. I take off my hat to you. But it's fair to tell you--it
won't win."
"Why not?"
"_I'm_ going to win."
"With that?" David nodded toward Dick's plans.
"With that."
"How?"
"I'm giving old Bixby what he wants, and I'm--" Dick made gestures of
pulling wires.
David was silent.
"Maybe," Dick went on after a moment, "you think I oughtn't to work
this game against you. And maybe I oughtn't. But if I didn't somebody
would beat us both out. They're all working it. It's the only game
that pays nowadays. And besides, I need the money. It isn't out yet,
but I'm going to be married--and she's used to a lot of money. I've
been doing pretty well, but if I land this job I'll be fixed and able
to give her the things she deserves. Do you blame me, old man?"
A troubled smile was on David's lips. "Not wholly, Dick."
There was another silence, awkward now, and then Dick began to move
toward the door. But with his hand on the knob he turned.
"Davy, why don't you play the game? You've got the stuff. If you only
could put it across, if you had the punch, you could go any distance.
I--I'm not quite big enough to step down for a better man, but I'd
rather have you beat me than any other man alive. Why don't you try
it?"
The troubled smile lingered. "I can't, old man."
David did not hear the door close. For a long time he sat staring
vaguely at his sketch.
But that night, when he was alone with his work once more, the old
faith rushed back into his heart. Dick was wrong--he must be wrong!
The committee were honorable men; they held a position of trust.
Surely they could see how much better his plans were than Dick's. And
surely they could not be tricked into passing them by for a hodgepodge
that would only bring ridicule down upon their church.
He was ashamed that he had lost faith, even for a day.
Toward the end of the two months Shirley began to grow a little
impatient with his industry.
"Will it never be finished?" she would sigh plaintively. "You never
have any time to spare for me any more."
"You see," he would explain, "there are so many details to be worked
out in a thing like this, and I mustn't slur over any of them. We must
make it the best we can. And it will soon be done."
But a little throb of regret would clutch his heart as he said that.
And one evening he did come to the end, the illustrative sketches
complete, the beautiful plans all made, the last calculation for the
specifications set down.
"There! It's done."
He propped a sketch on the easel and leaned back, sighing.
Shirley looked up from her novel. "Thank goodness--at last! Are you
sure you've made it the very best you can?"
"Yes." He looked long at the sketch, a strange wistfulness in his
eyes. "Sometimes I wonder if I shall ever do as well again."
"Suppose it shouldn't win, after all?"
"Oh, don't!" he cried. "Don't suggest that--just now."
She caught the sudden sharp pain in his voice and looked at him
wonderingly.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing," he answered, his voice gone dull now. "I guess I've been
working harder than I thought and am pretty tired."
"You'd better go to bed early and get a good sleep."
"Yes," he said, "I'm going to do that."
But he did not do that. Instead, for the last time, he stayed up until
nearly morning in the company of his completed work. It was as if he
watched the night out with a loved one who in the morning must go upon
a long uncertain journey. . . . This also Shirley, had she known,
would have called very temperamental.
For a month they waited, a feverish, anxious but always hopeful month,
for the committee's decision.
And then one morning as he sat idly in his office an errand boy came,
under his arm a long round parcel.
"Mr. Bixby sent me with this."
When the boy was gone David quickly ripped open the parcel. It
contained his sketches and plans. With them was a note.
"As we have accepted the plans submitted by Mr. Richard Holden, we
return yours herewith. Thanking you for. . . ."
The rest was a dancing blur. . . .
It was mid-afternoon when he rose from his table. The first dizzying
shock had passed, but a dull unceasing ache was left and he was very
tired. He tried to smile, to gather together the tatters of his
courage and faith, but he could not think of the future. When he tried
to think of Shirley a sickening qualm rushed over him, leaving him weak
and nerveless.
"Poor Shirley!" he muttered. "How can I tell her? Poor Shirley!"
Mechanically he put on his hat and overcoat and went out. It was
storming. He had no umbrella, and if he had had one it would have been
but scanty shelter against the driving rain. But he did not care. He
was even glad of the storm and the discomfort of wet feet and clothes.
For an hour he splashed aimlessly through the city's streets. Then he
turned slowly but doggedly homeward.
"Poor Shirley!" he kept saying to himself. "I mustn't let her see how
it hurts. I must put a brave face on it before her."
He was half-way home when he stopped with a sudden "Oh!" that was
almost a groan. A memory had cut even through his misery. It was
their fourth anniversary!
He took out what money was in his pocket, counted it and tramped back
through the rain until he came to a florist's. There he got a small
bunch of carnations. It was all he could buy with the money he had
with him, and it was too late to go to the bank--and little enough was
there! He started homeward once more.
By the time the apartment was reached he had pulled himself together a
little. With an effort he achieved a smile and went in.
Shirley was waiting for him. "Any word?"
He shook his head. He could not tell her just then, but he could not
trust his voice with a kindly lie.
"Oh, I thought surely we'd hear to-day-- You've brought something for
me?"
"It isn't much."
He gave her the little box--it was rain-soaked now--and saw her face
fall as she peeped within. Always he had brought her some pretty
extravagance on their anniversary. But she kissed him and sent him to
his room to put on dry clothes.
They sat down to dinner, a special dinner with things they both liked
and could not always have. And for a while he tried to be as merry as
the occasion demanded. But not for long. His tongue fumbled over his
poor little jokes and his laughter was lifeless. Shirley saw.
"David, look at me."
His eyes wavered, fell, then rose doggedly to hers.
"What's the matter? Something has happened. Do you mean it's--"
"Yes, Shirley. Dick Holden won."
For a moment she stared blankly at him, then burst into a storm of
weeping. In an instant his own heartache was swallowed up in sorrow
for her. He sprang to her side, catching her close and petting her,
begging her "not to take it so," saying foolish brave things.
The storm subsided as suddenly as it rose. With a sharp movement she
pushed herself away from him and sat looking at him with eyes in which
he would have said, if he could have trusted his senses just then,
anger and--almost--hate were blazing.
"Shirley," he pleaded, "don't take it so. Our plans _were_ good. It
was only pull that beat us. Dick told me--"
The eyes did not change. "It doesn't matter why, does it? They didn't
take them--that's all. What difference does it make if things are good
when nobody will buy them? And I had hoped--"
"Dear, don't take it so," he repeated. "We must be brave. This is
only a test--the hardest of all. If we're brave and keep hanging
on--you remember what we used to say--"
She laughed, not her old beautiful laugh, but a shrill outpouring of
her bitter disappointment.
"Oh, we said a lot of silly things. We were fools. I didn't know what
it would be like." Anger--yes, and even hate--were unmistakable in
that moment. She sat up sharply. "And, David, you've got to do
something to change it. I'm tired of it all--sick and tired of
scrimping and worrying and wearing made-over dresses and being--just
shabby genteel. You've got to do something."
Every word was a knife in his heart. But he could not be angry with
her; he was thinking of her disappointment.
"But, dear, I'm doing all I can. How can I--"
"You can get a position somewhere and at least have a steady income
that would--"
"Why, Shirley, you don't mean--give up my profession? You _couldn't_
mean that!"
"I mean just that. It would give us a steady income at least."
"But I can't give it up. There's more than money to working. There's
being in the work you want to do and are fitted for--"
"Ah!" She turned on him fiercely. "I thought you cared more for your
work than for your family. Now I know it. You would keep us poor,
just so you can do the things you like to do. And what right have you
to think you're fitted for it? Why can't you be sensible and see what
everybody else sees--that as an architect you are--"
"Shirley!"
But she said it.
"--a failure."
For a little he stared blindly at her. All other aches were as nothing
beside this. . . . Then something within, that had sustained him since
he left the office, snapped, gave way. His head and shoulders sagged
forward. With a weary gesture he turned and went into the living-room.
That storm, too, passed. It had been more than half the hysteria of
shattered hope. She had hardly known what she was saying. Now she
remembered his eyes as she had dealt her thrust. She was a little
frightened at what she had done. She waited nervously for him to come
back to her; always David had been first to mend their quarrels, and
Shirley thought her kisses balm to heal all wounds.
But he did not come back. In the living-room was a heavy silence.
At last she went softly to the door. He was standing by the table,
still in the broken attitude, with the same dazed eyes. He did not see
her.
"David!"
He did not seem to hear. She went to him and put an arm around his
shoulder.
"David, I didn't mean to be nasty. It really isn't your fault. I
didn't mean--"
The sound of her voice brought him out of his daze. He shrank from her
touch and, turning, regarded her with a queer new look that held her
from him. After a little the sense of her words seemed to come to him.
"I think you did mean it," he said wearily. "And I think--I think you
are quite right."