LOVE AND SEX
When we take under consideration the higher, truer love of one sex for
the other, that is, an affection which is not simply a friendship, but
has a sex basis, we realize that it may be a very noble emotion. There
is no manner of doubt but that the normal human being feels a great
need for love. Sex in love and its manifestation in the life of the
soul is one of the first conditions of human happiness, and a main aim
of human existence.
All know the tale of Cupid's arrow. A man falls in love with a face, a
pair of eyes, the sound of a voice, and his affection is developed
from this trifling beginning until it takes complete possession of
him. This love is usually made up of two components: a sex instinct,
and feelings of sympathy and interest which hark back to primal times.
And this love, in its true sense, should stand for an affection
purified from egoism.
When, among the lower animal forms we find individuals without a
determined sex, egoism develops free from all restraint. Each
individual creature devours as much as it can and feeding, together
with propagation by division, "budding" or conjunction, makes up the
total of its vital activities. It need do no more to accomplish the
purpose of its existence. Even when propagation commences to take
place by means of individual male and female parents, the same
principle of egoism largely obtains. The spiders are typical instances
of this: in their case the carrying out of the natural functions of
the male spider is attended with much danger for him, owing to the
fact that if he does not exercise the greatest care, he is apt to be
devoured immediately afterward by his female partner, in order that no
useful food matter may be lost. Yet even in the case of the spiders,
the female spider already gives proof of a certain capacity for
sacrifice where her young are concerned, at any rate for a short time
after they have crept from the egg.
In animals somewhat higher in the creative scale, more or less
powerful feelings of affection may develop out of their sex
association. There is affection on the part of the male for his mate,
and on the part of the female for her young. Often these feelings
develop into a strong, lasting affection between the sexes, and years
of what might be called faithful matrimonial union have been observed
in the case of birds. This in itself is sufficient to establish the
intimate relationship between love in a sex sense and love in a
general sense. And even in the animal creation we find the same
analogy existing between these feelings of sympathy and their
opposites which occur in the case of human beings. Every feeling of
attachment or sympathy existing between two individuals has a
counterpart in an opposite feeling of discontent when the object of
the love or attachment in question dies, falls sick, or runs away.
This feeling of discontent may assume the form of a sorrow ending in
lasting melancholy. In the case of apes and of certain parrots, it has
been noticed that the death of a mate has frequently led the survivor
to refuse nourishment, and die in turn from increasing grief and
depression. If, on the other hand, an animal discovers the cause of
the grief or loss which threatens it; if some enemy creature tries to
rob it of its mate or little ones, the mixed reactive feeling of rage
or anger is born in it, anger against the originator of its
discontent. Jealousy is only a definite special form of this anger
reaction.
A further development of the feeling of sympathy is that of duty.
Every feeling of love or sympathy urges those who feel it to do
certain things which will benefit the object of that love. A mother
will feed her young, bed them down comfortably, caress them; a father
will bring nourishment to the mother and her brood, and protect them
against foes. All these actions, not performed to benefit the creature
itself, but to help its beloved mate, represent exertion, trouble, the
overcoming of danger, and lead to a struggle between egoism and the
feeling of sympathy. Out of this struggle is born a third feeling,
that of responsibility and conscience. Thus the elements of the human
social feelings are already quite pronounced in the case of many
animals, including those of love as well as sex.
In the human animal, speaking in general, these feelings of sympathy
(love) and duty are strongly developed in the family connection; that
is, they are developed with special strength in those who are most
intimately united in sex life, in husband and wife and in children.
Consequently the feelings of sympathy or love which extend to larger
communal groups, such as more distant family connections, the tribe,
the community, those speaking the same tongue, the nation, are
relatively far weaker. Weakest of all, in all probability, is that
general human feeling which sees a brother in every other human being
and is conscious of the social duties owed him.
As regards man and wife, the relation of the actual sex instinct to
love is often a very complicated one. In the case of man the sex
feeling may, and frequently does exist independent of love in the
higher sense; in the case of woman it is quite certain that love
occurs far less seldom unaccompanied by the sex inclination. It is
also quite possible for love to develop before the development of the
sex feeling, and this often, in married life, leads to the happiest
relationships.
The mutual adoration of two individuals, husband and wife, often
degenerates into a species of egoistic enmity toward the remainder of
the world. And this, in turn, in many cases reacts unfavorably upon
the love the two feel for each other. Human solidarity, especially in
this day, is already too great not to revenge itself upon the
egotistical character of so exclusive a love. The real ideal of sex in
love might be expressed as follows: A man and a woman should be
induced to unite in marriage through genuine sex attraction and
harmony of character and disposition. In this union they should
mutually encourage each other to labor socially for the common good of
mankind, in such wise that _they further their own mutual education
and that of their children_, the beings nearest and dearest to them,
_as the natural point of departure for helping general human
betterment_.
If love in its relation to sex be conceived in this manner, it will
purify it by doing away with its pettinesses and it is just into these
pettinesses that the most honest and upright of matrimonial loves too
often degenerate. The constructive work done in common by two human
beings who, while they care lovingly for each other, at the same time
encourage each other to strive and endure in carrying out the
principles of right living and high thinking, will last. Love and
marriage looked at from this point of view, are relatively immune from
the small jealousies and other evil little developments of a
one-sided, purely physical affection. It will work for an ever more
ideal realization of love in its higher and nobler dispensations.
Real and true love is lasting. The suddenly awakened storm of sex
affection for a hitherto totally unknown person can never be accepted
as a true measure for love. This sudden surge of the sex feeling warps
the judgment, makes it possible to overlook the grossest defects,
colors all and everything with heavenly hues. It makes a man who is
"in love," or two beings who are in love, mutually blind, and causes
each to carefully conceal his or her real inward self from the other.
This may be the case even when the feelings of both are absolutely
honest, especially if the sex feeling is not paired with cool egoistic
calculation. Not until the first storm of the sex feeling has
subsided, when honeymoon weeks are over, is a more normal point of
view regained. And then love, indifference, or hatred, as the case may
be develops. It is for this reason that love at first sight is always
dangerous, and that only a longer and more intimate acquaintance with
the object of one's affection is calculated to give a lasting union a
relatively good chance of turning out happily. One thing is worth
bearing in mind. Woman invariably represents the conservative element
in the family. Her emotional qualities, combined with wonderful
endurance, always control her intellect more powerfully than is the
case with man; and the feelings and emotions form the conservative
element in the human soul.