WISHES AND REQUESTS.
In respect to the course to be pursued in relation to the requests and
wishes of children, the following general rules result from the principles
inculcated in the chapter on Judgment and Reasoning, or, at least, are in
perfect accordance with them--namely:
_Absolute Authority in Cases of vital Importance_.
1. In respect to all those questions in the decision of which their
permanent and essential welfare are involved, such as those relating to
their health, the company they keep, the formation of their characters, the
progress of their education, and the like, the parent should establish and
maintain in the minds of the children from their earliest years, a distinct
understanding that the decision of all such questions is reserved for
his own or her own exclusive jurisdiction. While on any of the details
connected with these questions the feelings and wishes of the child ought
to be ascertained, and, so far as possible, taken into the account, the
course to be pursued should not, in general, be discussed with the child,
nor should their objections be replied to in any form. The parent should
simply take such objections as the judge takes the papers in a case which
has been tried before him, and reserve his decision. The principles by
which the parent is governed in the course which he pursues, and the
reasons for them, may be made the subject of very free conversation, and
may be fully explained, provided that care is taken that this is never done
when any practical question is pending, such as would give the explanations
of the parent the aspect of persuasions, employed to supply the deficiency
of authority too weak to enforce obedience to a command. It is an excellent
thing to have children see and appreciate the reasonableness of their
parents' commands, provided that this reasonableness is shown to them in
such a way that they are not led to imagine that their being able to see it
is in any sense a condition precedent of obedience.
_Great Indulgence in Cases not of vital Importance_.
2. The authority of the parent being thus fully established in regard to
all those things which, being of paramount importance in respect to
the child's present and future welfare, ought to be regulated by the
comparative far-seeing wisdom of the parent, with little regard to the
evanescent fancies of the child, it is on every account best, in respect to
all other things, to allow to the children the largest possible indulgence.
The largest indulgence for them in their occupations, their plays, and even
in their caprices and the freaks of their fancy, means _freedom of action_
for their unfolding powers of body and mind; and freedom of action for
these powers means the most rapid and healthy development of them.
The rule is, in a word, that, after all that is essential for their health,
the formation of their characters, and their progress in study is secured,
by being brought under the dominion of absolute parental authority, in
respect to what remains the children are to be indulged and allowed to have
their own way as much as possible. When, in their plays, they come to you
for permission to do a particular thing, do not consider whether or not it
seems to you that you would like to do it yourself, but only whether there
is any _real and substantial objection to their doing it_.
_The Hearing to come before the Decision, not after it_.
The courts of justice adopt what seems to be a very sensible and a very
excellent mode of proceeding, though it is exactly the contrary to the one
which many parents pursue, and that is, they hear the case _first_, and
decide afterwards. A great many parents seem to prefer to decide first, and
then hear--that is to say, when the children come to them with any request
or proposal, they answer at once with a refusal more or less decided, and
then allow themselves to be led into a long discussion on the subject, if
discussion that may be called which consists chiefly of simple persistence
and importunity on one side, and a gradually relaxing resistance on the
other, until a reluctant consent is finally obtained.
Now, just as it is an excellent way to develop and strengthen the muscles
of a child's arms, for his father to hold the two ends of his cane in his
hands while the child grasps it by the middle, and then for them to pull
against each other, about the yard, until, finally, the child is allowed to
get the cane away; so the way to cherish and confirm the habit of "teasing"
in children is to maintain a discussion with them for a time in respect to
some request which is at first denied, and then finally, after a protracted
and gradually weakening resistance, to allow them to gain the victory
and carry their point. On the other hand, an absolutely certain way of
preventing any such habit from being formed, and of effectually breaking it
up when it is formed, is the simple process of hearing first, and deciding
afterwards.
When, therefore, children come with any request, or express any wish, in
cases where no serious interests are involved, in deciding upon the answer
to be given, the mother should, in general, simply ask herself, not Is it
wise? Will they succeed in it? Will they enjoy it? Would I like to do it
if I were they?--but simply, Is there any harm or danger in it? If not,
readily and cordially consent. But do not announce your decision till
_after_ you have heard all that they have to say, if you intend to hear
what they have to say at all.
If there are any objections to what the children propose which affect the
question in relation to it as a means of _amusement for them_, you may
state them in the way of information for them, _after_ you have given your
consent. In that way you present the difficulties as subjects for their
consideration, and not as objections on your part to their plan. But,
however serious the difficulties may be in the way of the children's
accomplishing the object which they have in view, they constitute no
objection to their making the attempt, provided that their plans involve no
serious harm or damage to themselves, or to any other person or interest.
_The Wrong Way_.
Two boys, for example, William and James, who have been playing in the yard
with their little sister Lucy, come in to their mother with a plan for a
fish-pond. They wish for permission to dig a hole in a corner of the yard
and fill it with water, and then to get some fish out of the brook to put
into it.
The mother, on hearing the proposal, says at once, without waiting for any
explanations,
"Oh no, I would not do that. It is a very foolish plan. You will only get
yourselves all muddy. Besides, you can't catch any fishes to put into it,
and if you do, they won't live. And then the grass is so thick that you
could not get it up to make your hole."
But William says that they can dig the grass up with their little spades.
They had tried it, and found that they could do so.
And James says that they have already tried catching the fishes, and found
that they could do it by means of a long-handled dipper; and Lucy says that
they will all be very careful not to get themselves wet and muddy.
"But you'll get your feet wet standing on the edge of the brook," says the
mother. "You can't help it."
"No, mother," replies James, "there is a large flat stone that we can stand
upon, and so keep our feet perfectly dry. See!"
So saying, he shows his own feet, which are quite dry.
Thus the discussion goes on; the objections made--being, as usual in such
cases, half of them imaginary ones, brought forward only for effect--are
one after another disposed of, or at least set aside, until at length the
mother, as if beaten off her ground after a contest, gives a reluctant and
hesitating consent, and the children go away to commence their work only
half pleased, and separated in heart and affection, for the time being,
from their mother by not finding in her, as they think, any sympathy with
them, or disposition to aid them in their pleasures.
They have, however, by their mother's management of the case, received an
excellent lesson in arguing and teasing. They have found by it, what they
have undoubtedly often found on similar occasions before, that their
mother's first decision is not at all to be taken as a final one; that they
have only to persevere in replying to her objections and answering her
arguments, and especially in persisting in their importunity, and they will
be pretty sure to gain their end at last.
This mode of management, also, has the effect of fixing the position of
their mother in their minds as one of antagonism to them in respect to
their childish pleasures.
_The Right Way_.
If in such a case as this the mother wishes to avoid these evils, the way
is plain. She must first consider the proposal herself, and come to her own
decision in regard to it. Before coming to a decision, she may, if she
has leisure and opportunity, make additional inquiries in respect to the
details of the plan; or, if she is otherwise occupied, she may consider
them for a moment in her own mind. If the objections are decisive, she
should not state them at the time, unless she specially wishes them not to
have a fair hearing; for when children have a plan in mind which they are
eager to carry out, their very eagerness entirely incapacitates them for
properly appreciating any objections which may be offered to it. It is on
every account better, therefore--as a general rule--not to offer any such
objections at the time, but simply to give your decision.
On the other hand, if there is no serious evil to be apprehended in
allowing children to attempt to carry any particular plan they form into
effect, the foolishness of it, in a practical point of view, or even the
impossibility of success in accomplishing the object proposed, constitute
no valid objection to it; for children amuse themselves as much, and
sometimes learn as much, and promote as effectually the development of
their powers and faculties, by their failures as by their successes.
In the case supposed, then, the mother, in order to manage it right, would
first consider for a moment whether there was any decisive objection to the
plan. This would depend, perhaps, upon the manner in which the children
were dressed at the time, or upon the amount of injury that would be done
to the yard; and this question would in its turn depend, in many cases, on
the comparative value set by the mother upon the beauty of her yard, and
the health, development, and happiness of her children. But supposing that
she sees--which she can do in most instances at a glance--that there can no
serious harm be done by the experiment, but only that it is a foolish plan
so far as the attainment of the object is concerned, and utterly hopeless
of success, which, considering that the real end to be attained is the
healthy development of the children's powers by the agreeable exercise of
them in useless as well as in useful labors, is no objection at all, then
she should answer at once, "Yes, you can do that if you like; and perhaps I
can help you about planning the work."
After saying this, any pointing out of obstacles and difficulties on her
part does not present itself to their minds in the light of opposition to
their plan, but of aid in helping it forward, and so places her, in their
view, _on their side_, instead of in antagonism to them.
"What do you propose to do with the earth that you take out of the hole?"
she asks.
The children had, perhaps, not thought of that.
"How would it do," continues the mother, "to put it in your wheelbarrow and
let it stay there, so that in case your plan should not succeed--and men,
in any thing that they undertake, always consider it wise to take into
account the possibility that they may not succeed--you can easily bring it
all back and fill up the hole again."
The children think that would be a very good plan.
"And how are you going to fill your hole with water when you get it dug
out?" asks the mother.
They were going to carry the water from the pump in a pail.
"And how are you going to prevent spilling the water over upon your
trousers and into your shoes while carrying it?"
"Oh, we will be very careful," replied William.
"How would it do only to fill the pail half full each time," suggests the
mother. "You would have to go more times, it is true, but that would be
better than getting splashed with water."
The boys think that that would be a very good plan.
In this manner the various difficulties to be anticipated may be brought to
the notice of the children, while, they and their mother being in harmony
and sympathy with each other--and not in opposition--in the consideration
of them, she can bring them forward without any difficulty, and make them
the means of teaching the children many useful lessons of prudence and
precaution.
_Capriciousness in Play_.
The mother, then, after warning the children that they must expect to
encounter many unexpected difficulties in their undertaking, and telling
them that they must not be too much disappointed if they should find that
they could not succeed, dismisses them to their work. They proceed to dig
the hole, putting the materials in the wheelbarrow, and then fill up the
hole with water brought in half pailfuls at a time from the pump; but are
somewhat disappointed to find that the water soaks away pretty rapidly into
the ground, and that, moreover, it is so turbid, and the surface is so
covered with little leaves, sticks, and dust, as to make it appear very
doubtful whether they would be able to see the fishes if they were to
succeed in catching any to put in. However, they take their long-handled
dipper and proceed towards the brook. On the way they stop to gather some
flowers that grow near the path that leads through the field, when the idea
suddenly enters Lucy's head that it would be better to make a garden than
a fish-pond; flowers, as she says, being so much prettier than fishes. So
they all go back to their mother and explain the change of their plan. They
ask for leave to dig up a place which they had found where the ground was
loose and sandy, and easy to dig, and to set out flowers in it which they
had found in the field already in bloom. "We are going to give up the
fish-pond," they say in conclusion, "because flowers are so much prettier
than fishes."
The mother, instead of finding fault with them for being so capricious and
changeable in their plans, says, "I think you are right. Fishes look pretty
enough when they are swimming in the brook, but flowers are much prettier
to transport and take care of. But first go and fill up the hole you made
for the pond with the earth that is in the wheelbarrow; and when you have
made your garden and moved the flowers into it, I advise you to get the
watering-pot and give them a good watering."
It may be said that children ought to be brought up in habits of steadiness
and perseverance in what they undertake, and that this kind of indulgence
in their capriciousness would have a very bad tendency in this respect. The
answer is, that there are times and seasons for all the different kinds
of lessons which children have to learn, and that when in their hours of
recreation they are amusing themselves in play, lessons in perseverance and
system are out of place. The object to be sought for _then_ is the exercise
and growth of their bodily organs and members, the development of their
fancy and imagination, and their powers of observation of nature. The work
of training them to habits of system and of steady perseverance in
serious pursuits, which, though it is a work that ought by no means to be
neglected, is not the appropriate work of such a time.
_Summary of Results_.
The general rules for the government of the parent in his treatment of
his children's requests and wishes are these: In all matters of essential
importance he is to decide himself and simply announce his decision,
without giving any reasons _for the purpose of justifying it_, or for
_inducing submission to it_.
And in all matters not of essential importance he is to allow the children
the greatest possible freedom of action.
And the rule for children is that they are always to obey the command the
first time it is given, without question, and to take the first answer to
any request without any objection or demurring whatever.
It is very easy to see how smoothly and happily the affairs of domestic
government would go on if these rules were established and obeyed. All that
is required on the part of parents for their complete establishment is,
first, a clear comprehension of them, and then a calm, quiet, and gentle,
but still inflexible firmness in maintaining them. Unfortunately, however,
such qualities as these, simple as they seem, are the most rare. If,
instead of gentle but firm consistency and steadiness of action, ardent,
impulsive, and capricious energy and violence were required, it would be
comparatively easy to find them. How seldom do we see a mother's management
of her children regulated by a calm, quiet, gentle, and considerate
decision that thinks before it speaks in all important matters, and when it
speaks, is firm; and yet, which readily and gladly accords to the children
every liberty and indulgence which can do themselves or others no harm. And
on the other hand, how often do we see foolish laxity and indulgence in
yielding to importunity in cases of vital importance, alternating with
vexatious thwartings, rebuffs, and refusals in respect to desires and
wishes the gratification of which could do no injury at all.