(_For the Mirror._)
In a matter-of-fact age like the present, methinks it behoves every man
to apply the improvements of scientific research as much as possible to
the ordinary concerns of life. Science and society may thus be called _at
par_, and philosophical theory will hence enlighten the practical
tradesman.
To demonstrate the truth of the above remarks, I mean, with the editor's
leave, to prove the necessity of keeping a friend in one's pocket, upon
the principles of gravitation, according to Sir Isaac Newton's
"Principia."
The learned doctor has mathematically proved that all bodies gravitate or
incline to the centre. It is on this principle only that we can account
for our being fixed to the earth; that we are surrounded by the
atmosphere; and that we are constantly attended by, and seem constantly
to attend, the planets around us.
Should any farther demonstration be necessary than the incomparable Sir
Isaac has himself furnished us with, let any sceptic who doubts that the
earth attracts all smaller bodies towards its centre, only take a hop
from the Monument or St. Paul's, and he will soon find the power of
gravitation, and die by the truth of the experiment.
But what, methinks, exclaims the reader, has all this to do with the
proposition in hand, viz. the necessity of keeping a friend in one's
pocket? Why, I'll tell you--from a due consideration of this very
principle, you will soon see the use of a man's keeping his _money_ in
his pocket. It is this alone (the pocket) which nowadays constitutes the
centre of friendship; there alone, therefore, must this most valuable,
most faithful of all friends (_money_) be deposited. Now if this friend
be of magnitude, he will soon collect many more around you, who, true as
the needle to the pole, will point to you from every quarter--friends who
will smile in your prosperity, bask in the sunshine of your glory, dance
while you pay the piper, and to the very ground will be "votre très
humble serviteur, monsieur." But if by sickness, misfortune, generosity,
or the like, this friend be removed from your pocket, the centre is
destroyed, the equilibrium is lost, away fly your friends, and, like
pelicans, turn their beaks at your breast whenever you approach. "It is
your own fault, fellow; you might have done well if you would; but you
are an ass, and could not keep a friend when you had him; and so you may
die in a ditch, and go to the devil, my dear."
The man of affluence, who lavishes away his substance, may aptly enough
be likened to a porpoise sporting in the ocean--the smaller fry play
around him, admire his dexterity, fan his follies, glory in his gambols;
but let him once be enmeshed in the net of misfortune, and they who
foremost fawned under his fins, will first fall foul of him.
Now, to illustrate the subject further, let us consider the advantages
arising from this practical use of gravitation, and the losses attendant
upon the neglect thereof. First, then, he who _has_ secured this friend
in his pocket, may go _when_ he pleases, and _where_ he pleases, and
_how_ he pleases, either on foot or on horseback, by barouche or by boat,
and he shall be respected and esteemed, and called _sir_, and made
welcome in every season and in every place, and no one shall presume to
say unto him, Why doest thou these things?
But a man that hath not this friend in his pocket, may not go when, where,
and how he pleases, but when, where, and how he is directed by others.
Moreover he shall travel on foot, and perchance without shoes, and not
have the benefit of a horse, barouche, or boat; and moreover he shall be
called _sirrah_, and not _sir_; neither shall he be esteemed nor
respected, nor made welcome; and they shall say unto him, "Don't be
troublesome, fellow; get out of the way, for thou hast no business here!"
The rich man shall be clothed in scarlet, and get whatsoever his heart
desires; and the people shall give him the wall, and bow before him to
the ground. But the poor man shall be clad in rags, and walk in the dirt,
regarded by no man; nor shall he even purchase to himself a name, though
the composition thereof consist only of air!
This is the state of modern times--such our modern friendship; and since,
gentle reader, it is so, who, possessing one grain of common sense, would
not duly attend to the theory of gravitation, by taking care of a friend
while he has him, especially if he be so portable as to be placed in
one's pocket.