beautiful and important passage, I have only to say, that _Poor_
Lyttleton (as the Doctor calls him) patronized Fielding, and that the
Rambler patronizes William Shaw: That his Lordship was an elegant
writer: That he did not adopt Johnson's new words: That _Lexiphanes_ was
dedicated to him: That he was a great and an amiable man: And that he is
_dead_.
With all his affectation of hard words, the Doctor becomes at once
intelligible when he wishes to reprobate a rival genius, or insult the
ashes of a benefactor. In defiance of Addison, and a thousand other
_shallow fellows_, he asserts that Milton 'both in prose and verse had
formed his stile by a _perverse_ and _pedantick_ principle[111].'
Speaking of Mr Walmsley, he says, 'At this man's table I enjoyed many
chearful and agreeable hours, with companions such as are not often to
be found.--I am not able to name a man of equal knowledge. He never
received _my_ notions with contempt.--He was one of the first friends
whom literature procured me,--and I hope that at least my _gratitude_
made me worthy of his notice. It may be doubted whether a day now
passes, in which I have not some advantage from his friendship[112].'
But then, 'He was a WHIG with ALL the virulence and malevolence of _his_
party.' This is a most beautiful conclusion; and quite in the Doctor's
stile. His accusation is incredible. A monster, such as he draws here,
can seldom deform existence.
We are told that at St. Andrews Cardinal Beaton 'was murdered by the
ruffians of Reformation[113].' And it seems to be the fashion of the
day, to censure that action. Yet it is allowed on all hands that
Wishart's doctrine, in spite of its _incomprehensibilities_, was better
than Popery--that Beaton, a profligate usurping Priest, had committed
every human vice--that, without civil authority, he dragged our Apostle
to the stake--and that his avowed design was to expell or exterminate
the whole Protestant party. Had the Cardinal been permitted to complete
his plan, we durst not at this day have disputed, 'Whether it is better
to worship a piece of rotten wood[114], or throw it in the fire?' It is
therefore evident that to kill this tyrant was highly proper and
laudable. We may just as well censure the centurion who slew Caligula.
When a philosopher, who truly deserves that title, was once in
conversation reprobating Melvil, he was interrupted by this, simple
question, Whether if his own antagonist had conducted _him_ to the
stake, he would not have pardoned a pupil for avenging his blood? 'I
would most certainly,' he replied, and such must be the real sentiments
of all men, whatever they may chuse to print. When we attempt to hide
the feelings of nature, that we may support a favourite system, we never
fail to become ridiculous. In this age and nation, if a magistrate shall
rise above the law; if he rob us of life with the most barbarous
exulation; if his guilt equal whatever history hath recorded; if he want
nothing but the purple and the legions to rival Domitian, the voice of
nature will be heard. The brave will reject such unmanly, such fatal
refinements of speculation. Like Hambden and Melvil, they will stand
forth in defence of themselves, and their posterity. They will relieve
their fellow citizens from temporal perdition. They will drive insolence
and injustice from the seat of power. They will exult in danger, and
rush to revenge or death. They will plunge their swords in the heart of
their oppressor; or they will teach him, like Charles, to atone upon the
scaffold for the tears and the blood of his people; and while in the
eyes of their countrymen, they read their glory[115], they will perhaps
reflect with a smile, that some slavish pedant, some pensioned traitor
to the rights of mankind, is one day to mark them out as objects of
public detestation[116].
'The theatre, when it is under any other direction, is peopled by such
characters as were never seen, conversing in a language which was never
heard, upon topics which will never arise in the commerce of
mankind.--Upon every other stage the universal agent is love, by whose
power all good and evil is distributed, and every action quickened or
retarded. To bring a lover, a lady and a rival into the fable; to
entangle them in contradictory obligations, perplex them with
oppositions of interest, and harrass them with violence of desires
inconsistent with each other; to make them meet in rapture, and part in
agony; to fill their mouths with hyperbolical joy, and outrageous
sorrow; to distress them as nothing human ever was distressed; to
deliver them as nothing human ever was delivered, is the business of a
modern dramatist. For this probability is violated, life is
misrepresented, and language is depraved[117].' The weakest of Dr
Johnson's admirers will blush in reading this passage. He very fairly
denies every degree of merit, to every dramatic writer, of every age or
nation, Shakespeare alone excepted. What can be more ridiculous than
this?
'Every man finds his mind more strongly seized by the tragedies of
Shakespeare than of any other writer; others please us by particular
speeches, but he always makes us anxious for the event, by exciting
restless and _unquenchable_[118] curiosity, and compelling him that
reads his work to read it through[119].' But the Doctor overthrows all
this within a few pages, for Shakespeare has '_perhaps_ not _one_ play,
which, if it were now exhibited as the work of a cotemporary writer,
_would be heard to the conclusion_[120].' The Rambler cannot always
suppress his thorough contempt for the taste of the public. He no doubt
laughs internally at their folly in admiring him.
* * * * *
I proceed to the Doctor's English Dictionary, and shall begin with
quoting the remarks already made by a judicious friend, on this subject.
'Among the many foibles of the human race, we may justly reckon this to
be one, that when they have once got any thing really useful, they apply
it in all cases, proper or improper, till at last they make it quite
ridiculous. Nothing can possibly be more useful than a just and accurate
_definition_, because by this only we are able to distinguish one thing
from another. It is obvious, however, that _in definitions we ought
always to define a thing less known, by one which is more so, and those
things which are known to every body, neither can be defined, nor ought
we to attempt a definition of them at all; because we must either
explain them by themselves, or by something less known than themselves,
both of which give our definitions the most ridiculous air imaginable_.
'A certain right reverend gentleman, not many miles from Edinburgh, and
whom, out of my great regard for the cloth, I put in the first place,
gave the following definition of a thief. "A thief," says he, "my
friends, is a man of a _thievish disposition_." Now though this
definition is somewhat imperfect, for a thief also exerts that _thievish
disposition_ which lurks in his breast, I intend to take it for my
model, on account of its great conformity to many of the definitions
given by the most celebrated authors.--I remember to have seen in one of
the Reviews a definition of _Nature_, which began in the following
manner. "Nature is that _innate_ celestial fire."--The rest has in truth
escaped my memory, though I remember the Reviewers indecently compared
it to the following lines, which they say were a description of a
dog-fish.
'And his evacuations
Were made _a parte post_.
_A parte post!_ these words so hard
In Latin though I speak 'em,
Their meaning in plain English is,
He made pure _Album Graecum_.
'This definition rather goes a step beyond that of the clergyman, as it
explains the words _a parte post_ by _Album Graecum_, which are more
obscure than the former, and neither of which, out of my great regard to
decency, I choose to translate.--Whether Dr Johnson composed his
dictionary, after hearing the above-mentioned clergyman's sermon, or
not, I cannot tell, but he seems very much to have taken him for his
model, even though the said clergyman was a Presbyterian, and Dr Johnson
has an aversion at Presbyterians. Thus, when he tells us, that _short_
is _not long_, and that _long_ is _not short_, he certainly might as
well have told us that a thief is a man of a thievish disposition. I am
surprised indeed how the intellects of a human creature could be
obscured by pedantry, and the love of words, to such a degree, as to
insert this distinction in a book, pretended to be written for the
instruction and benefit of society. Much more am I surprised how the
authors of all dictionaries of the English language have followed the
same ridiculous plan, as if they had positively intended to make their
books as little valuable as possible. Nay, I am almost tempted to think,
that the readers have a natural inclination to peruse nonsense, and
cannot be satisfied without a considerable quantity of that ingredient
in every book which falls into their hands. _Long_ and _short_ are terms
merely relative, and which every body knows; to explain them therefore
by one another, is to explain them by themselves. But besides this
ridiculous way of explaining a thing by itself, pedants, of whom we may
justly reckon Dr Johnson the Prince, have fallen upon a most ingenious
method of explaining the English by the _Latin_, or some other language
still further beyond the reach of vulgar ken. Thus, when Dr Johnson
defines _fire_, he tells us it is the _igneous element_. _To water_ (the
verb) he tells us, is to _irrigate_, by which no doubt we are greatly
edified. _To do_ is to _practise_, and _to practise_ is _to do_, &c.
'But the most curious kind of definitions are these oenigmatical ones
of our author, by which he industriously prevents the reader from
knowing the meaning of the words he explains. Thus, the _hair_ he tells
us is one of the common _teguments_ of the body; but this will not
distinguish it from the skin, and shews the extreme poverty of judgment
under which the Doctor laboured, when he could not point out the
distinguishing mark between the hair and skin. A dog is "a domestic
animal remarkably various in his species," but this does not
distinguish him, except to natural historians, from a cow, a sheep, or
a hog; for of these there are also different _breeds_ or species. A cat
is "a domestic animal that catches mice;" but this may be said of an
owl, or a dog; for a dog will catch mice if he sees them, though he does
not watch for them as a cat does. Nay, if we happen to overlook the word
_animal_, or not to understand it, we may mistake the cat for a
mouse-trap. The earth, according to our learned author, is "the element
distinct from fire, air, or water;" but this may be light or electricity
as well as earth.--Air is "the element encompassing the terraqueous
globe;" but an unlearned reader would be very apt to mistake this for
the ocean, &c.
'When the Doctor comes to his _learned_ definitions, he outdoes, if
possible, his oenigmatical ones. Network is "any thing _reticulated_
or _decussated_ at equal distances." A nose is "the prominence on the
face which is the organ of scent, and the emunctory of the brain."--The
heart is "the muscle which by its contraction and dilatation propells
the blood through the course of circulation, and is therefore considered
as the source of vital motion."--Now let any person consider for whom
such strange definitions can possibly be intended. To give instruction
to the ignorant they certainly are not designed; neither can they give
satisfaction to the learned, because they are not accurate. The nose,
for instance, he says is the emunctory of the brain; but every anatomist
knows that it performs no such office, neither hath the nose any
communication with the brain, but by means of its nerves.--Yet this
dictionary is reckoned the best English one extant. What then must the
rest be; or what shall we think of those who mistake a book, stuffed
with such stupid assemblages of words, for a _learned_ composition?
Definitions undoubtedly are necessary, but not such as give us no
information, or lead us astray. Neither can any thing shew the
sagacity, or strength of judgment, which a man possesses, more clearly
than his being able to define exactly what he speaks about; while such
blundering descriptions as these, above quoted, shew nothing but the
Doctor's insignificance[121].'
That the courteous reader may be qualified to judge for himself, I shall
now insert a variety of quotations from this wonderful, amazing,
admirable, astonishing, incomparable, immortal, and inimitable book. Too
much cannot be said in its praise. I shall however let it speak for
itself. Every page, indeed, is so pregnant with superexcellent beauties,
that in selecting them, the critic's situation resembles that of the
schoolman's ass between two bundles of hay; his only difficulty is where
to begin. The pious husband of Bathsheba had asked 'What is MAN?' But
let it be told in Rome, and published in the streets of Paris, to the
honour of the English nation, that her greatest philosopher has received
300l. a-year for informing us that--
MAN is a 'Human being. 2. Not a woman. 3. Not a boy. 4. _Not a beast._'
Woman. 'The female of the human race.' Boy. '1. A male child; not a
girl. 2. One in the state of _adolescence_.' Girl. 'A young woman or
child.' (_Female_ child he should have said.) Damsel. 'A young
gentlewoman; a wench; a country lass.' Lass. 'A girl; a maid; A young
woman.' Wench. '1. A young woman. 2. A young woman in contempt. 3. A
strumpet.' Strumpet. 'A whore, a prostitute.' Whore. '1. A woman who
converses unlawfully with men; a fornicatress; an adultress; a strumpet.
2. a prostitute; a woman who receives men for money.' To whore, _v. n._
(from the noun) 'To converse unlawfully with the other sex.' To whore,
_v. a._ 'To corrupt with regard to chastity.' Whoredom, _s._ (from
whore) 'Fornication.' (Here follow several other definitions on the
same pure subject, which every body understands as well as Dr Johnson.)
Young. 'Being in the first part of life. _Not old._' Youngster, younker.
'A young person.' (I pass by _ten_ other articles, about _youthful_
compounded of _youth_ and _full_, &c. &c. because young people are in no
danger of thinking themselves old.) Yuck, _s._ (_jocken_, Dutch.)
'Itch,' Old. 'Past the middle part of life; _not young_; not new;
ancient; not modern. OF OLD. Long ago; from ancient times.' Hum, interj.
'A sound implying doubt and deliberation, _Shakespeare_.' Fiddlefaddle,
_s._ (a cant word) 'Trifles.' Fiddlefaddle, _a._ 'Trifling; giving
trouble.'
(----His own example strengthens all his laws,
Sam is himself the true sublime he draws.)
Fiddler, _s._ (from _fiddle_) 'A musician, one that plays upon a
fiddle.' Here follow fiddlestick, compounded of fiddle and stick, and
warranted an English word by Hudibras; and Fiddle-string, _s._ (Fiddle
and string) 'the string of a fiddle. _Arbuthnot._' Sheep's eye. '_A
modest and diffident look, such as lovers cast at their mistresses._'
Love. 'Lewdness.' And _thirteen_ other explanations. _Lovemonger._ 'One
who deals in affairs love.' (Besides about twenty other articles
concerning this subject of equal obscurity and importance.) Sweetheart.
'A lover or mistress.' Mistress. 'A woman beloved and courted; a whore,
a concubine.' Wife. 'A woman that has a husband.' A Runner. 'One who
runs.' Husband. 'The _correlative_ to wife.' Shrew. '_A peevish,
malignant, clamorous, spiteful, vexatious, turbulent woman._' Scold. '_A
clamorous, rude, mean, low, foul mouthed woman._' Henpecked, _a._ (_hen_
and _pecked_) 'Governed by the wife.' Strap. 'A narrow long slip of
cloth or _leather_.' Whip. 'An instrument of correction _tough_ and
_pliant_.' Cuckingstool, _s._ 'An engine invented for the punishment of
scolds and _unquiet_ women.' Cuckoldom. 'The state of a cuckold.'
(Cuckold, _s._ Cuckold, _v. a._ Cuckoldy, _a._ and Cuckoldmaker, _s._
(compounded of _cuckold_, and _maker_) I leave out, as the reader is,
perhaps, already initiated in the mysteries of that subject.) Arse, _s._
'The buttocks' To hang an arse. 'To be tardy, sluggish' Buttock. 'The
rump, the part near the _tail_' Rump. '1. The end of the backbone. 2.
The buttocks.' Thimble. 'A metal cover by which women (yea and _taylors_
too Doctor) secure their fingers from the needle.' Needle. 'A small
instrument pointed at one end to pierce cloth, and _perforated_ at the
other to receive the thread.' Gunpowder. '_The powder put into guns to
be fired._' Maidenhead. Maidenhode. Maidenhood. 'Virginity, virgin
purity, freedom from contamination.' Oh, _interj_ 'An exclamation
denoting pain, sorrow, or surprise.' Hope '_That which gives_ HOPE. _The
object of_ HOPE.' Fear. '1. Dread; horror; apprehension of danger. 2.
Awe; dejection of mind. 3. Anxiety, solicitude,' &c. Impatience. 'Heat
of passion; _inability_ to suffer delay, eagerness.' Virgin. '_A woman
not a mother._' Virginity. 'Maidenhead; unacquaintance with man.' Fart.
'Wind from behind. _Suckling_' To fart. 'To break wind behind. _Swift._'
Marriage. 'The act of uniting a man and woman for life.' Repentance.
'Sorrow for any thing past.' Kiss. 'Salute given by joining lips.'
Kisser. 'One that Kisses.' To piss, _v. n._ 'To make water.
_L'Estrange._' Piss _s._ (from the verb) 'Urine; animal water. _Pope._'
Pissburnt, _a._ 'Stained with urine.' Pedant. 'A man vain of _low_
knowledge.'
Of these extracts, I suppose opinion is uniform. Every man who reads
them, reads them with contempt. To tell us that a _man_ is not a
_beast_, seems to be an insult, rather than a definition. To say, that
_young_ is _not old_, and, that _old_ is _not young, of old_, &c. is to
say nothing at all. There is a medium; there is a state between these
periods of life. And his definitions convey no meaning; for a man may be
_not old_ tho' he is _not young_. Many articles, such as whoring,
whoremaster, whoremonger, whorishly, &c. are as indecent, as they are
impertinent, and seem only designed to divert school boys. Hum, Yuck,
Fiddle, Fiddler, Fiddlefaddle, _s._ Fiddlefaddle, _a._ Fiddlestick,
Fiddlestring, Thimble, Needle, Gunpowder, Hope, O, and O--and Oh, and
twenty-eight or thirty explanations of the particle _on_, are left
without remark to the reader's penetration. Some are well enough
acquainted with a _maidenhead_, and such as are not, will be no wiser by
reading Dr Johnson: For he says, That it is _virginity_, and that again
is explained (like more than half the words in his book) by the word it
explains. Neither can a _maidenhead_ ensure freedom from _pollution_;
for a girl may be polluted, without losing her _maidenhead_; and on the
other hand, the Doctor dare not say that a _married_ woman is, for that
reason, _polluted_. Love, he calls _lewdness_, and he may as well say,
that _light_ is _darkness_. His admirers will answer, that he also gives
the right meaning; but let them tell, why he gave any besides the right
meaning, and why he collected such a load of blunders into his book. Or
since he did collect them, why he did not mark them down as wrong. For
in the preface to his octavo, he tells us, that it is written for
'explaining terms of science.' But to select twenty barbarous
misapplications of a word, is not explaining the word, but only
_confusion worse confounded_. Indeed that whole preface is a piece of
the most profound nonsense, which ever insulted the common sense of the
world. A virgin, is _a woman not a mother_. But many wives, and many
concubines too, have never propagated the species, though they had (as
Othello says) a thousand times committed the act of shame. From this
literary chaos, a foreigner would be apt to imagine that _they_ were
_virgins_.
Corking pin. 'A pin of the largest size.' Bum. '_The part upon which we
sit._' Butter. 'An _unctuous_ substance.' Buttertooth. '_The_ great
broad foretooth.' Off. prep. '_Not on._' Potato. 'An _esculent_ root.'
Turnip. 'A white _esculent_ root.' Parsley, 'A plant.' Parsnep. 'A
plant.' Colliflower. '_Cauliflower._' Cauliflower. 'A species of
_cabbage_.' Cabbage. 'A plant.' Pit. 'A hole in the ground.' Pin. 'A
short wire, with a sharp point, and round head, used by women to fasten
their cloaths.' Plate. 'A small shallow vessel of metal (or of stone or
wood Doctor) on which meat is eaten.' Play. '_Not work._' Poker. 'The
iron bar with which _men_ stir the fire.' Pork. 'Swine's flesh
_unsalted_.' (Here you may find _Porker_, _Porkeater_, _Porket_,
_Porkling_, with all their derivations, definitions, and authorities.)
Porridge. 'Food made by boiling meat in water.' Porridge-pot,
(_porridge_ and _pot_) 'The pot in which meat is boiled for a family.'
Porringer, (from _porridge_) 'a vessel in which broth is eaten.' Part.
'_Some thing less than the whole._' And _thirteen_ other
_ramifications_. Pulse. '_Oscillation_; _vibration_.' Puff. 'A quick
blast with the mouth.' Vid. in same page, Pudding, _s._ from the
_Swedish_, (which is a mistake, for it is from the French _boudin_)
_Pudding Pie_, from _Pudding_ and _Pie_, and _Pudding-time_, from
_Pudding_ and _time_. Puddle, _s._ Puddle, _v. a._ & Puddly, &c. Shadow.
'_Opacity_, darkness, _Shade._' Shade. 'The cloud or _opacity_ made by
interception of the light.' Darkness. 'Obscurity. _Umbrage._' Shadiness,
'The state of being _shady_; _umbrageousness_.' Shady. 'Full of _shade_;
MILDLY _gloomy_.'
(No light, but rather darkness visible.)
Sevenscore. 'Seven times twenty.' Shadowy. 'Dark, _opake_.' To yawn. 'To
gape, to _oscitate_,' Yawn, _s._ '_Oscitation_, HIATUS.' Yea. 'Yes.'
Yes, 'A term of affirmation, the affirmative particle opposed to _no_.'
See also in the same place, Yest. Year. (12 months) Yesterday, _s._ The
day last past, the next day before to-day. Yesterday, _ad._ Yesternight,
_s._ Yesternight, _ad._ Yet, _con._ Yet, _ad._ Nine times explained.
Vent. 'A small _aperture_; a hole; a _spiracle_.' Wind. 'A _flowing_
wave of air; _flatulence_; windiness.' Winker. 'One who winks.' To
wink. 'To shut the eyes.'
(No, Sir, unless you open them again directly.)
Window. 'An _aperture_ in a building by which air and light are
_intromitted_.' _N. B._ Almost the whole of the same page is daubed over
with such jargon. Said. 'Aforesaid.' Scoundrel. 'A mean rascal; a low
petty villain.' Rascal. 'A mean fellow; a scoundrel.' Villain. 'A wicked
wretch.' Wretch. 'A miserable mortal.' No, _ad._ 'The word of refusal.
2. The word of denial.' No, _a._ '1. Not any; NONE. 2. _No one_; NONE:
_not any one_.' (Had this word _none_ altered its meaning, before the
Doctor got to the end of the line?) Nobody. (_No_ and _body_) 'No one;
not any one.' (See also Nod, _v. a._ Nod, _s._ Nodder. Noddle. Noddy,
&c.) None. '1. Not one. 2. Not any. 3. Not other.' Nothing. '_Negation_
of being; not any thing,' and _seventeen_ other definitions. Afore. (_a_
and _fore_) '_before_, nearer in place to any thing.'
'There is a certain line, beyond which, if ridicule attempts to go, it
becomes itself ridiculous, and there is a sphere of criticism in that
particular region, in which, if the critic plays his batteries on too
_contemptible_ objects, he must unavoidably depart from his proper
dignity, and must himself be an object of the raillery he would
convey[122].'
HEAR THE DOCTOR ON MUSIC.
Music. '1. The science of _harmonical_ sounds. 2. Instrumental, or vocal
_harmony_.' Harmony. 'Just proportion of sound.' Melody. 'Music;
_harmony_ of sound.' Tune. '_Tune_ is a diversity of notes put
together.' _Locke_, _Milton_, _Dryden_. Tenour, _s._ 'A _sound_ in
music.'