THE HEART OF WOMAN.
"My wife has fallen in love with another man. She keeps house for me and
I am trying to show her all the love I can but it seems to have no
effect upon her. I love her dearly and desire to win her back. What
should be my attitude toward her and toward the man?" A.J. (who is one
of many who have thus written me.)
Goodness knows! _Be_ good and you will know. In other words, be just to
all three before you are generous to anybody. Of course that is not easy
to do, but it is possible; and it is the only thing you can never be
sorry for afterward.
First, get down to first principles. There are three INDIVIDUALS
concerned--three separate and complete beings, each with his inherent
right of choice. Nobody _owns_ anybody else; nobody "owes" anybody else
anything in the way of "duty." Each individual stands on his or her own
two feet and makes an effort at least to go where he or she will find
the most happiness.
Every one of these three Individuals has made mistakes--he or she has
thought happiness was to be found in this place, or that. He or she has
made the choice and trotted on his or her two feet to this place or
that, only to find happiness was not there as he or she supposed. _We
don't always know what is for our happiness_. But goodness knows!--and
_all_ our mistakes work together for ultimate happiness.
In the truest sense there are _no_ mistakes; a mistake being simply a
case where things failed to come out as we calculated. _They came out
right nevertheless_. That is, they came out right for our enlightenment.
By them we grew in wisdom and knowledge. Next time our judgment will
be better.
The wife in this case no doubt thinks just now that her marriage to
A.J., was "all a terrible mistake." If so she is making another
"mistake." That is, she is thinking what "ain't so." Whatever
experiences she has had with A.J. were drawn to her by herself, for her
own enlightenment and development. They were all _good_.
It _may_ be that she and A.J. have gained from their association all
there is in it. Doubtless the wife thinks a separation and a new
marriage would make her supremely happy. May be it would. May be her
judgment is right this time.
On the other hand it may be wrong, as it has been oft before. Many a
woman has jumped out of the frying pan of one marriage into the fire
of another.
_Only time will tell_. If this new love is the "soul mate" she thinks,
the attraction will be all the stronger and steadier in a year or two
from now. If he is not the soul mate she thinks him, the attraction
will wane.
I know women who, under similar conditions, have elected to wait; women
whose consciences would not allow them to leave a kind husband or young
children for the sake of gratifying their passion for another man. _I
have known these same women to despise a year or two later, the men they
had thought themselves passionately and everlastingly in love with_.
They have never got over thanking whatever gods there be that they were
saved from that rash step. I have known _many_ cases of this kind, and
have received many letters of fervent thanks from both men and women who
followed my private counsel to _let time prove the new attraction_
before severing old ties and making new ones.
And I must say that _not one_ who waited but has said to me, "I am
_glad_ I waited"; _whilst many who did not wait have bitterly
regretted_.
A love affair is emotional insanity. Lovers are insane; not in fit
condition to decide their own actions. The state of "falling in love" is
moon-madness. For the time being the lover's sense of justice, his
reason, his judgment, is distorted by _reflections from another
personality_. This is especially so in the woman's case, for the reason
that she is generally a creature of untrained impulse, instead of
reasoning will.
There is that recent case of the beautiful and beloved Princess Louise
who ran away from her royal husband. She thought she loved Monsieur
Giron so devotedly that she could bear anything for the sake of being
with him. And surely she was miserable enough in her old environment.
But when it came to the reality she could not bear the consequences. She
wanted her children; her proud spirit winced at the snubs she got; she
longed a little for the old life; and familiarity with her soul mate
revealed the knowledge that he was not _all_ soul. She flunked miserably
and went home to her sick child. You see, she was literally love-_sick_.
Her mind was disordered; a life spent with her soul mate loomed to her
so large and dazzling that all other things were as nothing. She
couldn't for the time being see straight. She was literally insane.
If she had only _waited_ until the new wore off her passion! Waited
until she saw things in their proper proportions and relations to each
other; until she was _sure_ she could _live the life_ made inevitable by
her change.
That is the trouble;--love-sick-ness _blinds her to the truth_. When she
wakes up by _experience_ of the truth, _she wishes she hadn't._
The only safe thing for a woman to do who finds herself married to one
man and in love with another is to _wait_, a year, or two or three
years, until time proves her love and _she knows in her heart_ that she
can make the change and never regret it, no matter what happens. _You
see, she can NEVER be happy with the new love as long as_ CONSCIENCE OR
HEART _reproaches her for her treatment of the old love._ It behooves
her to consider well.
Time will prove the new love. In many such cases times reveals the
idol's feet of clay. He shows that his love is for _himself_, not for
her. He pouts and kicks and teases like a petulant child. He wants her
NOW, no matter how she may suffer in consequence of his haste.
In spite of herself, in spite of her love for the new love, she finds he
is not panning out as she supposed. She begins to see his other, his
everyday side--_the side she will have to live with_ if she goes to him.
Now is the husband's chance. She _knows his_ every-day side, from
experience; she has tried it in weal and woe. If he rises to this
occasion the Ideal Man, he stands a fair chance of winning from his wife
a _deeper_ love than she has yet given any man. He may catch her _whole_
heart in its rebound from the idol with feet of clay.
To a husband in such a position I would say, _Be kind._ "There is
nothing so kingly as kindness!"--and true kindness under this most
trying condition will in time win even a recalcitrant wife's admiration
and love--IF _the two are really mates_. If they are not real mates; if
they have outgrown their usefulness to each other; the sooner they part
the better. To hold them together would only be another "mistake."
Because a man and wife were mates five or ten years ago is no proof that
they are mates today. We are all _growing_, and it is often literally
true that we "grow away" from people.
_Every loved one who goes out of our lives makes room for a better,
fuller love--unless we shut ourselves in with our "grief."_
It is said that Robert Louis Stevenson fell in love with the wife of his
best friend. He told his friend frankly, intending to leave the city.
His friend questioned the wife and found she reciprocated Stevenson's
love. Stevenson stayed with his friend in Paris and the wife went to
her father's home in California. A year later, the attachment between
his wife and Stevenson still remaining, the friend applied for a
divorce. Then he and Stevenson journeyed all the way to California
together, where Stevenson was married to the ex-wife. The ex-husband
attended the wedding, and that same evening announced his engagement to
a girl friend of Mrs. Stevenson.
I glory in the friendship of those two men who refused to allow the
unreasoning caprices of love to sever their love for each other. A
separation and remarriage like that is a _credit_ to all parties
concerned. _It is the quarrels and estrangements which are the real
disgrace_ in cases of separation and remarriage.
John Ruskin was another man too great and too good to resent love's
going where it is sent. He had married, knowing that her respect and
admiration but not her _love_, were his, a beautiful and brilliant girl
much younger than himself. They lived happily a number of years. Then
Ruskin brought home the painter, Millais, to make a picture of his wife.
Artist and model fell in love. Ruskin found it out, and refused to allow
his wife to sacrifice herself for him. He divorced her and gave her to
Millais, and the three were life-long friends.
If I were a man in such a case as A. J.'s I should treat my wife as I
would a daughter. I would treat her as an Individual with the right
of choice.
Many a daughter has rushed headlong into a marriage which her relatives
opposed and she regretted at leisure.
If someone grabs you by the arm and pulls hard in one direction you are
forced to pull hard in the opposite direction, or lose your balance and
fall. If a daughter is pulled away from the man to whom she is
attracted, her Individuality rebels and she pulls toward him harder than
she would if let alone. She _chooses_ to follow the attraction which at
the time is pleasanter than that between herself and her frowning
relatives.
Remembering this I would _free_ daughter or wife and trust to the God in
her to work out her highest good. I would _believe_ that whatever she
chose to do was really for her highest good. If I _really_ loved _her_ I
would _prefer_ her happiness to my own.
And in it all I should be _deeply_ conscious that whatever is, is best,
and that _all things worked together for_ MY _best good as well as
for hers_.
Whatever appearances may show to the shortsighted, the real TRUTH is
this:--_Justice reigns; the happiness of one person is not bought at the
expense of another; the law of attraction brings us our own and holds to
us our own in spite of all its efforts to get away; it never leaves us
until_, THROUGH SOME CHANGE OR LACK OF CHANGE IN OURSELVES, _it has
ceased to be our own_.
A man's "mental attitude" toward the other man in such cases as A.J.'s
should be the same as toward other men--the attitude of real kindness
toward an Individual who, like the rest of us, is being "as good as he
knows how to be and as bad as he dare be."
This does not mean that the husband shall allow himself to be used for a
door mat, nor held up for the ridicule of the neighbors. A sensible
father expects his daughter to observe the proprieties. The daughter of
a sensible father is more than willing to meet these expectations. In
the same way a sensible husband will expect his wife to see no more of
the lover than "society" permits her to see of any man not related to
her. No sensible American woman will jeopardize her good name under such
circumstances. She will control her feelings until she has proved her
new attraction and been duly released from the old. If a woman will not
conduct herself in a self-respecting manner the sooner she leaves the
better for the husband. As for herself, she will learn by experience--as
Princess Louise did.
Love is the mightiest force in creation. It will not be gainsaid. But it
can be controlled. To pen it up too completely brings explosion,
devastation. To give it too free rein means madness with no less
devastation. To _direct_ it within reasonable limits is the only
safe way.
It takes a cool head and steadfast heart to meet such emergencies as
A.J.'s. And eye hath not seen nor ear heard the "Well done" and its
attendant glory, which enters into the heart and character of the man
who meets such condition and conquers--_himself_. Not once in a thousand
lives has a man such opportunity to prove his godship and bless himself
and the world.