HAPPINESS AND MARRIAGE
BY
ELIZABETH TOWNE
"The inner side of every cloud
Is bright and shining;
I therefore turn my clouds about,
And always wear them inside out--
To show the lining."
--_James Whitcomb Riley_.
"And I will show that there is no imperfection in the
present, and can be none in the future,
And I will show that whatever happens to anybody
it may be turned to beautiful results."
--_Walt Whitman_.
1904
CHAPTER I.
TO BE HAPPY THOUGH MARRIED.
"Some dear relatives of mine proposed Ada as my future bride. I like Ada
and I gladly accepted the offer, and I mean to wed her about the middle
of this year. Is this a working of the Law of Attraction? I want to make
our married life happy and peaceful. I long for a wedded life of pure
blessedness and love and joy without even a pinhead of bitterness ever
finding lodgment in our household. How can I attain this state of peace?
This is what I now do: I enter into the Silence daily at a particular
hour and enjoy the mental picture of how I desire to be when married. Am
I right? Please tell me how to make my ideal real." Tudor, Island of
Ceylon.
The above letter comes from a member of the Success Circle who is a
highly cultured and interesting looking native East Indian. We have a
full length photo of him in native costume.
He asks if "this is the working of the Law of Attraction." Certainly it
is. Just as the sun acts through a sheet of glass so the Law of
Attraction acts through the conventionalities of a race. Whatever comes
together is drawn together by the Law. Whatever is held together is held
by that same Law of Attraction.
This is just as true in unhappy marriages as in happy ones. If two
people are distinctly enough individualized; that is, if they understand
and command themselves sufficiently; their attraction and marriage will
bring to them only pleasure. If they are not distinctly enough
individualized there will be a monkey-and-parrot experience whilst they
are working out the wisdom _for which they were attracted_.
When soda and sour milk are drawn together there is a great stew and
fizz, but the end thereof is sweetness and usefulness. So with two
adverse and uncontrolled natures; but out of the stew comes added
wisdom, self-command and rounded character for each.
When each has finished the work of helping the other to develop they
will either find themselves _really_ in love with each other, or they
will fall apart. _Some stronger attraction will separate them at the
right time_--perhaps through divorce, perhaps through death.
_All_ our goings and comings are due to the Law of Attraction. The Law
of Attraction giveth, and it taketh away. _Blessed_ is the Law. _Let_ it
work. And forget not that _all_ things are due to its working.
This does not mean that the Law has no way of working _except_ through
the conventionalities of a people. Many times the attraction is to break
away from the conventional. _The stronger attraction always wins_--
whatever is, is _best_ for _that time and place_.
"Tudor" says he "enters into the silence daily at a particular hour and
enjoys the mental picture of how he desires to be when married."
His success all depends upon the _equity_ in that picture; upon its
truth to the law of being.
An impractical idealist lives in the silence with beautiful pictures of
"how he desires to be when married." When he gets married there isn't a
single detail of his daily experience which is like his mental picture.
He is sadly disappointed and perhaps embittered or discouraged.
It all depends upon the picture. If Tudor's picture contains a benignant
lord and master and a sweet little Alice Ben Bolt sort of wife who shall
laugh with delight when he gives her a smile and wouldn't hurt his
feelings for a farm; who does his bidding before he bids and is always
content with what he is pleased, or able, to do for her; if this is the
style of Tudor's mental picture he is certainly doomed to
disappointment.
I have a suspicion that Tudor is a natural born teacher. His mental
pictures may represent himself as a dispenser of moral and mental
blessings. He may see Ada sitting adoringly at his feet, ever eager to
learn. If so there will certainly be disappointment. East Indian girls
may be more docile than American girls; East Indian men may be better
and wiser lords and masters; but "Ada" is a Human Being before she is an
East Indian; and a Human Being instinctively revolts from a life passed
in leading strings. If Tudor continues to remind her that he is her
schoolmaster she will certainly revolt; inwardly if not outwardly.
Whether the revolt comes inwardly or outwardly harmony is doomed.
The first principle of happy marriage is _equality_. The second
principle is _mutual confidence_, which can NEVER exist without the
first.
I do not mean by "equality" what is usually meant. One member of the
married twain may be rich, the other poor in worldly goods; one an
aristocrat, the other plebeian; one educated, the other unschooled; and
yet they may be to each other what they are in _truth_, equals.
Equality is a _mental state_, not a matter of birth or breeding, wisdom
or ignorance. The TRUTH is that _all_ men and women are equal; all are
sparks of the One Life; all children of the one highly aristocratic
"Father"; all heirs to the wisdom and wealth of the ages which go to
make up eternity.
But all men and women are more or less unconscious, in spots at least,
of this truth. They spend their lives "looking down" upon each other.
Men "look down" upon their wives as "weak" or "inferior," and women look
down upon their husbands as "animals" or "great brutes." Men are
contemptuous of their wives visionariness, and women despise their
husbands for "cold and calculating" tendencies.
Every man and woman values certain qualities highly, and in proportion
as another fails to manifest these particular qualities he is classed as
"low," and his society is not valued.
This is the great source of trouble between husbands and wives. Each
values his or her own qualities and despises the other's. So _in their
own minds_ they are not equal, and the first principle of harmony is
missing.
The real truth is that in marriage a man is schoolmaster to his wife
_and she is equally schoolmistress to him._ This is true in a less
degree, of _all_ the relationships of life.
The Law of Attraction draws people together _that they may learn_.
There is but one Life, which is growth in wisdom and knowledge.
There is but one Death, _which is refusal to learn_.
If husbands and wives were equals _in their own minds_ they would not
despise each other and _refuse to learn_ of each other.
The Law of Attraction, or Love, almost invariably attracts opposites,
and for their own good. A visionary, idealistic woman is drawn to a
practical man, where, kick and fuss and despise each other as they will,
she is bound to become more practical and he more idealistic. They
exchange qualities in spite of themselves; each is an unconscious agent
in rounding out the character and making more abundant the life of the
other.
Much of this blending of natures is accomplished through passion, the
least understood of forces. And the children of a union of opposites,
even where there is _great_ contempt and unhappiness between the
parents, are almost invariably _better balanced_ than _either_ of the
parents.
I cannot believe that unhappy marriages are "mistakes" or that they
serve no good purpose. The Law of Attraction draws together those who
need each other at that particular stage of their growth. The
unhappiness is due to their own foolish _refusal_ to learn; and this
refusal is due to their contempt for each other. They are like naughty
children at school, who cry or sulk and refuse to work out their
problems. Like those same naughty children they _make themselves_
unhappy, and fail to "pass" as soon as they might.
Remember, that contempt for each other is at the very bottom of all
marital unhappiness. The practical man despises his wife's impulsive
idealism and tries to make her over. The wife despises his "cold and
calculating" tendencies and tries to make him over. That means war, for
it is impossible to make over _anybody but yourself_.
_Because_ the man despises his wife's tendencies and she despises his,
it never occurs to either to try making over _themselves_, thus helping
along the very thing they were drawn together for.
If Tudor's picture holds two people who are _always_ equal though
utterly different; whose future actions are an unknown quantity to be
taken as they come and each action to be met in a spirit of _respect_
and inquiry, with a view to understanding and learning from it; if over
and through all his picture Tudor spreads a glow of _purpose_ to
preserve _his own_ respect and love _for her_, at all costs;--if this is
the sort of picture Tudor makes in the silence he will surely realize it
later.
It requires but one to strike the keynote of respect and personal
freedom in marriage; the other will soon come into harmony.
You can readily see that all marital jars come from this lack of
equality in the individual mind. If a man thinks he is perfectly able to
take care of and to judge for himself he resents interference from
another. On the other hand if he believes his wife is equally able to
judge for _herself_, he _never_ thinks of interfering with her actions.
Of course the same is true of the wife. It is lack of respect and
confidence which begets the making-over spirit in a family, and from
this one cause arises all in harmony.
Individual freedom is the _only_ basis for harmonious action; not only
in marriage but in all other relationships of life.
And individual freedom _cannot_ be granted by the man or woman who
considers his or her judgments superior to the judgments of another. A
man _must_ accord his wife _equal_ wisdom and power with himself, else
he _cannot_ free her to act for herself. A woman must accord her husband
that same equality, or she _cannot_ leave him free.
It is human (and divine) nature to correct what we believe to be wrong.
Only in believing that the other "king (or queen) can do no wrong," lies
the possibility of individual freedom, in marriage or out.
The man or woman who knows he or she is believed in and trusted is very
careful to _deserve_ that trust. Did you know that? The sure way to have
your wishes consulted is to exalt and appreciate the other party. Did
you know that a man or woman will cheerfully sacrifice his or her own
opinions in order to retain the respect and love of the other? But if he
thinks the respect and love of the other party is growing less he will
give free reign to his own desires.
Married people "grow apart" for the one reason that they find fault with
each other. Of course it begins by their being disrespectful to each
other's faults, but it soon develops into disrespect of each other. From
"looking down" upon a husband's faults it is only a few short steps to
looking down upon _him_. His faults keep growing by recognition, and his
good points keep shrivelling for lack of notice, until _in your_ _mind_
there is nothing left but faults. From trying to make him over you come
to despair, and give him up as an altogether bad job.
And there isn't a grain of sense in all this madness. Stick to the TRUTH
and you will get rid of the madness and the friction, too. The truth is
that your husband, or your wife, would be an egregious _fool_ to follow
your judgments. You don't know beans from barley corn when it comes to
the actions of anybody but yourself. The One Spirit which enlightens
_you_ as to _your_ actions is also enlightening your other half as to
_her_ actions; and do you suppose this Spirit is going to favor _you_
with better judgment about your other half's duties, than it has given
_her?_ I guess _not_. Don't be presumptuous, my boy. Do you own little
best, and _trust_ your other half to do hers. Trust that she _is_ doing
the best.
And above all trust the One Spirit to run you both.
If you do this your wife will _rise fast_ in your esteem. And the higher
she finds herself in your esteem the harder she will try to please you--
and rise higher.
And, girls, don't forget that the shoe fits equally well the other foot.
Either man or wife can bring harmony out of chaos simply by _respecting_
the other half _and all his or her acts_.
A marriage without "even a pinhead of bitterness" is a marriage without
a pin-point of fault-finding, mental or oral.