MY FIRST APPEARANCE IN SOCIETY
I was to be taken out in St. Petersburg for my first season, and
presented at Court. How my heart palpitated at the idea of my first
dance! I made my appearance in public in Kharkoff, at a ball given by
the Count Sievers, the governor of the town. I am not afflicted with
shyness, nevertheless I was seized with a sudden access of bashfulness
on entering the ball-room, and feeling horribly uncomfortable with the
big bouquet that my brother had given to me, I flung it on the floor in
the ante-room. It was not long, however, before I was quite at my ease
again, enjoying the ball enormously, and dancing to my heart’s content
all through the evening.
I came to St. Petersburg full of happy hopes and expectations, and
an eager desire to spread my wings in the wide world. It would be a
delightful existence—every hour filled with enjoyment.
I plunged at once into all the gaieties of St. Petersburg society.
Everything was so new and delightful to me! My first social appearance
was at a great Court ball. I was brought out by my aunt, the Princess
Kourakine, a lady of honour to the Empress. I had such a ravishing
ball dress with a very long train. One of mamma’s friends had lent
me a carved ivory fan of great value, which I dropped in the snow
stepping out of the carriage. The fan lost some of its lustre, but
what a dazzling lustre presented itself to my eyes when I entered the
palace and mounted the splendid staircase lined with powdered footmen
in gorgeous liveries. Everything was magnificent and I enjoyed the ball
madly. I was not acquainted with a single soul in the place, nevertheless
I became instantly surrounded by a circle of partners. I never amused
myself so much before. The first dance over, my cavalier, a brilliant
officer of the guards, piloted me through the ranks of dancers to the
refreshment-room to get an ice. As we passed by the Emperor, who was
engaged in a conversation with my Aunt Kourakine, His Majesty gazed at me
fixedly and asked who I was. My aunt came over and led me to the Emperor
and formally introduced me. His Majesty began by questioning me about
myself, my home and my parents. I forgot to be frightened and answered
without the slightest flutter of embarrassment, and we soon fell into
a comfortable talk. The Emperor asked me if it was my first grown-up
dance. “Oh, no, Sir, it’s my second one,” I announced proudly. The
Emperor smiled and expressed his desire to see me henceforth at the Court
balls. Perceiving my partner, who was trying to conceal himself behind a
column, the Emperor asked me if it was my cavalier. “Oh, yes, Sir, and
I am keeping him waiting such a long, long time,” I blurted out in one
breath. It was indeed a dreadful breach of court etiquette, but I was so
inexperienced in the ways of society that a transgression against Court
laws appeared of little importance to me. The Emperor seemed much amused
by my outspoken manner and said: “Well, go on dancing, I will not deprive
you any longer of that pleasure.”
I returned home enchanted, and went to bed in a delirium, but I had had
too exciting a night to find it easy to fall asleep.
Some days later, at a musical party, given by my uncle, the Prince
Prosorowski-Galitzine, the master of the house said to me significantly,
“Well, Vava, I congratulate you!” But he did not conclude his phrase,
for mamma, who tried to preserve me from the intoxication of overpraise,
made haste to change the subject of conversation. I was tortured with
curiosity and got the whole story out of my cousins, the Prosorowskis,
who told me that the Emperor at the fox-hunt had asked their father all
about me and said a lot of flattering things, congratulating him on
having such a niece.
The gaiety and the bustle of St. Petersburg life bewildered me. I went
out a great deal, fluttering from amusement to amusement: balls, dinners,
theatres, concerts, etc., etc. Unfortunately I couldn’t be in two places
at the same time.
Papa took me to another Court ball, where I distinguished myself, making
such a stupid blunder. Overheated by dancing, I was dying of thirst, and
rushing up to a smart-looking individual, clad in bright red, I told
him to bring me some iced lemonade, taking him for a Court official. He
returned in about five minutes, closely followed by another personage
arrayed likewise in red, who carried a tray, and making me a most refined
bow, he named himself “Senator K⸺.” In an instant I had guessed the
whole odious situation. I had made an awful mistake, having confounded
a red-livered lackey with a senator. How could I have been so clumsy?
It was a horribly awkward moment, and I thought I should die of shame.
It was really very difficult to find something to say. Covered with
confusion I blushed all over my face and muttered hastily some excuses,
wanting the floor to open and swallow me up.
There was to be a grand fancy-dress ball at Court, in which I was invited
to participate. It was to be one of the best things of the season, one
of the eight marvels of the world. The Grand Duke Waldemar, representing
the sun, was to open the cortège sitting in a triumphal car drawn by
pages and surrounded by twelve sunbeams. I was designed to represent one
of them. We were to follow the car in a semi-circle, the tall ones (I
being one of the number) in the middle. I had the most bewitching costume
that heart of girl could desire. It consisted of a Greek tunic in rose
satin, draped on the shoulders with golden gauze; a small sun-dial on
the top of my coiffure, powdered with golden powder, was to indicate the
hour (mine pointed out six o’clock.) My costume was quite ready, and I
gazed at myself in the looking-glass with rapture, arrayed in it. I was
a good deal excited about this ball, and could think of nothing else,
when suddenly came the tidings of the death of a prince belonging to
the Prussian Imperial family, and the ball was put off. I was awfully
disappointed and nearly cried my eyes out. I had looked forward to it so!
A love affair sprang up between me and the Prince of Montenegro, brother
of the reigning prince of that country. We met for the first time at
a ball at the French Embassy. The prince was astonishingly handsome,
quite a show creature, looking very picturesque in his native costume,
consisting of a white woollen skirt and a jacket with golden embroidery.
There was an air of _Veni, vidi, vici_, about him. The prince was made
much of in society; never was a man so run after. I was surrounded by a
flood of partners when the prince came up, claiming a dance, but I had
to refuse him, being already engaged. He was by no means discouraged,
and established himself on the other side of my chair, and thus I found
myself sitting between two devoted cavaliers. The prince danced divinely,
and I waltzed with him pretty nearly all the evening. As the ball went on
mamma, who found that my partners were becoming alarmingly enterprising,
wanted to carry me off home at once, but a chorus of protestations
arose from them, and I, too, began to implore mamma not to be obliged
to leave the ball just when the fun was at its height. The prince added
his entreaties to mine and gained the victory, taking me to supper. I
never had a more entertaining neighbour. The prince had lived a great
many years in Paris and spoke French perfectly. He was so clever, full
of spirits and daring; in short he was a number of charming things, and
I lost my heart a bit. The temptation to play with fire had seized me
and I desired to prove my power to charm him. The prince lost no time in
letting me see the impression I had made on him, and though he had the
reputation of preferring the society of married women to that of young
girls, I saw that he was inclined to enter into a flirtation with me.
The champagne had warmed him up and he became very audacious. He slipped
his hand under the table-cloth and our fingers touched and communicated
fire. Meanwhile, a not very attractive damsel, deeply impressed by the
prince’s good looks, was gazing at him with eyes of passionate adoration
across the table. I noticed it to the prince, but he replied that as
for himself, he had no eyes for anyone but me. And he had indeed very
expressive eyes, the prince, and knew how to use them! I tried to keep
a cool head during the siege of my admirer, but though I had been an
iceberg, it was impossible for me not to thaw in his presence. My pulses
quickened and I felt an odd little thrill of emotion, while my tell-tale
eyes betrayed the truth and looked pleased. After the cotillon mamma
took me reluctantly away. Whilst we were putting on our cloaks in the
ante-room the prince appeared and came out in the cold to help us into
our carriage, and pressing my hand to his lips, he begged permission to
call on us the next day.
I was playing the piano frantically, absorbed in my performance of one of
Chopin’s nocturnes, when the prince was announced, but mamma being out, I
gave orders to tell him that there was nobody at home. The prince was a
good deal nettled, and when I met him at a ball a few days afterwards, he
greeted me somewhat chillingly, but I soon smoothed him down and we were
good friends again.
The prince’s marked attention to me soon became the topic of much gossip.
He was hit, I knew he was, and I, too, was not very far from being in
love with him. At the end of the season the prince’s white skirt began to
be slightly grizzly, and as I had remarkably sharp eyes and a tongue to
match, I looked him over critically and declared that I would not dance
with him until he had changed his skirt for a new one. Brazen girl that I
was to say such shameless things!
We left St. Petersburg in February and came to Moscow for a few days to
my grandmother Galitzine. I caught a bad cold on the way, and a doctor
was hastily summoned: a fat little old man with a face like a wrinkled
apple. He was so funny that I had an attack of laughter at the sight of
him which he took for delirium. I had been allowed on that day to have
my friend Mary Grekoff with me for an hour or two. She sat on the edge
of my bed and we were both soon engaged in eating pounds of chocolate,
which did not improve the state of my health, to be sure. Small wonder
then that I got worse with every minute; my temperature rose alarmingly
and I began to be delirious. My illness declared itself plainly, typhoid
fever was the verdict pronounced by the doctor. The case was going to
be an anxious one, and the chances were two to one against my recovery.
The doctor said it would be well that mamma, who was almost distracted
with anxiety and grief, should be prepared for the worst. I passed many
sleepless nights tossing in my bed in a restless manner; at daybreak,
when the windows were beginning to whiten, I listened with envy to the
joyous “coquerico” of neighbouring cocks, who woke up gay and brisk after
a good sleep, whilst I, poor thing, had not closed my eyes for many
nights.
I sat up in bed, propped with pillows, and sobbed bitterly, moved to pity
for myself. I was so unused to illness. Mamma, who slept in my room, came
and sat by me and we had our cry together.
Feeling my end drawing nigh, I sent for a priest and received the Holy
Sacrament. Soon after came the crisis. I suffered tortures that day,
one could hear my shrieks two streets off. Gasping for breath I tried
to bounce out of bed and had to be kept there by main force. Happily
complications did not arise, my constitution triumphed, and by the mercy
of heaven, life conquered death, and I was pronounced out of danger.
My convalescence was slow; I was laid up for six long weeks, coming round
from my illness day by day, and nursed with much tenderness. As soon as
all danger was over, the doctor permitted me to be transferred to Dolgik,
though I was still weaker than a new-born babe—a mere shadow of my former
self.
The wholesome country air put me quite on my legs again, my health was
entirely restored, and I recovered my good looks and my spirits, but I
had such a shock when I found all my hair had to come off; I was obliged
to have it shaved after my illness. It did not hinder me, however from
having three or four admirers here, waiting on my very words. One of my
chief victims was Aksenoff, a chum of my brother’s, who was completing
his studies at the University of Kharkoff that year. Aksenoff was not
a bit the hero of my girlish dreams and had no chance whatever of
attracting me; he was a clumsy, athletic-looking lad, with feet like
fiddle-cases. Rough on the outside, but the best fellow in the world, he
improved on close acquaintance. One could easily see that he was falling
seriously in love with me in spite of my shaven head, covered, it is
true, with a coquettish cap which suited me wonderfully. I seemed to him
a pearl beyond price, and he spent all his time in gazing up at me as a
unattainable star. He was my devoted slave in everything, following me
about with a sort of dog-like fidelity. I could twist that giant round my
little finger; he was as wax in my hands and would go through fire and
water for my sake, but I was a very cruel girl, I delighted to torment
my admirers and I only made a laughing-stock of Aksenoff, and began to
order him about mercilessly. Enjoying to impress my sweet will upon the
poor boy, I teased and tormented him atrociously. Had I not had plenty of
victims already? Why should I want that poor boy to be tortured? But my
desire for conquest was insatiable, I couldn’t leave a man alone.
We had a continual succession of guests in our house. In the middle
of May there was a large party staying at Dolgik-castle, and Aksenoff
was kept by me as usual in the background; he accompanied us in our
excursions, carrying cloaks and umbrellas. I used him barbarously and
abused my power over him. I was pitiless, making the most use possible
of my willing slave, and invented many nasty tricks to annoy him. When
we arranged dances in the evenings I sent him to gather roses in the
garden, promising him, with my most winning smile, a waltz in recompense,
whilst another partner carried me off in his arms from under his nose,
leaving him standing there in great dismay. My simple-hearted lover had
no suspicion that I was only fooling him, he went and picked the roses,
and when he returned with an armful of flowers, I started him out again
on the same errand, and the much-enduring Aksenoff went off crestfallen,
with a face a yard long. One must allow, poor boy, that just then he
happened to be supremely unattractive. When he came back this time, I
flung off his roses and said with my most princess-like air, dropping
into an armchair, that I was too tired to dance with him now. Seeing the
look of suffering in his face, I thought that I had teased him enough for
that evening, and coaxed him with some sweet words. Poor Aksenoff only
heaved a sigh like a March-gale and looked at me with kind, forgiving
eyes. He told me one day that the lines of his hand predicted him a short
life, and his prediction was realised; soon after we heard of his death
in Kharkoff, of smallpox.