There was probably the most astonished temperance man up above Stevens
Point the other day that ever was. The name of the temperance man is
Sutherland.
He is a nice gentleman, but, like many another man, he can never see a
person with his keg full of bug juice without giving him a talking to.
The other day Sutherland was driving along the road when he overtook an
Indian who asked for a ride. He was allowed to get in the wagon, when
Sutherland discovered that the Indian had a breath that would stop a
temperance clock. He smelled like a sidewalk in front of a wholesale
liquor store. The Indian was comfortably full, so full that his back
teeth were floating.
Sutherland thought it was a good time to get in his work, so he began
talking to the Indian about the wickedness of looking upon the whisky
when it was bay, and when it giveth its color in the nose. He told the
Indian of the wrecked homes, the poverty, the disgrace and death that
followed the use of liquor, and wound up by pleading with him to give
up his cups and join the angel band and shout hosannas in a temperance
lodge. The Indian did not understand a word that Suthland was saying,
but supposing by the looks of his nose and pleading eyes that he wanted
a drink, the Indian drew a large black bottle from under his blanket and
handed it to Sutherland, remarking: “Ugh! Dam firewater.”
Sutherland thought that he had made a convert, and telling the Indian
that he was glad he had resolved to lead a different life, took the
bottle and dashed it upon the ground, smashing it into a thousand
pieces.
Well, the air seemed full of Indians. If Sutherland had torn out the
Indian's heart he could not have hurt the red man worse.
With a war whoop the Indian jumped on the seat, took Sutherland by the
hair and yanked him out on the ground. Sutherland yelled and the Indian
galloped over him. The team ran away, and the Indian mauled Sutherland.
He cut open his face, italicised his nose, put a roof over his eye and
felt for his knife to stab him.
Sutherland got away and run to Stevens Point, where his wounds were
bound up. He says if any gentleman wants to take the job of reforming
Indians he will give up his situation. He meant well, but lacked
judgment.
*****
An item in the La Crosse _Chronicle_ says: “Two cats and a dog were
killed at the high school yesterday for inspection by the class in
physiology.”
In preparing the youth of the land for a business career there is
nothing that tends more to ripen the mind and to prepare it for
overcoming the obstacles that will naturally be found in after life than
to learn to cut a dog in two.
The ignorance of some of the business men of the present day is largely
to be attributed to the fact that the instructors of the youth in the
olden time never taught them how to carve a dog. How many times have we
been in positions since arriving at man's estate, when poring over some
great problem of science, where we would have given ten years of the
front end of our life if we knew how to make both ends meat, even if it
was dog meat?
The knowledge that the students of the present day obtain in their study
of the dog will be valuable to them if ever they are caught in a melon
patch, and a dog fastens his teeth into their garments. They will know
how to go to work scientifically to unhinge the jaws of a dog, instead
of pulling one way, while the dog pulls the other, until the cloth or
the skin tears out.
It will be a great thing to know all about how a dog is put together.
And if these students are taught how to kill cats they will more than
get their money back when they grow up.
Ignorant people who have never had the advantages of studying the cat
when it is dead, attempt to kill them with boot-jacks and empty ale
bottles and tomato cans, but the next generation will know how to do it
scientifically, and not hurt the cat.
This is certainly an age of improvement, and the _Sun_ desires that
school children shall know all about the anatomy of the festive dog and
the nocturnal cat, if they don't even know how to spell their own names.