HOW I DOUBTED MYSELF
Now as I stood thus, staring out to sea, the moon sank and with it my
heart also, for as the dark came about me so came darkness within me
and sudden sorrow with great fear of the future; wherefore, beholding
the loom of the ship where lights twinkled, I would gladly have seen
her a shattered wreck, and hearing the hoarse laughter and voices of
these lawless fellows waking the echoes of Deliverance Beach, I hated
them one and all, and to my fear and sorrow anger was added. But now
cometh my dear lady to stand beside me, to steal her hand into mine,
and never a word betwixt us for a while. At last:
"So endeth our solitude, Martin!"
"Aye!"
"Our deliverance is come!" says she and then, very softly, "Doth not
this rejoice you?" Here answer found I none, since now at last I knew
this the very thing I had come most to dread. So was silence again
save for these hoarse unlovely voices where they launched and boarded
the longboat. "Master Adam would have me go on board, Martin, but 'tis
near dawn so will I bide with you to welcome this new day."
"I'm glad you stayed, Damaris." At this I felt her clasp tighten on my
fingers, and so she brings me to a rock hard by and, sinking on the
warm sand, would have me sit by her; thus, side by side, we watched the
boat pull away to the ship, and presently all about us was hushed and
still save for the never-ceasing murmur of the surge.
"Martin," says she in a while, "with this new day beginneth for us a
new life! In a few short hours we sail for England."
"England! Aye, to be sure!" says I, mighty doleful, but, conscious of
her regard, strove to look happy yet made such a botch of it that,
getting to her knees, she takes my hang-dog face betwixt her two hands.
"O but you are glad?" she questions, a little breathlessly, "Glad to
come with me to England--to leave this wilderness?"
"Aye!" I nodded, well-nigh choking on the word.
"Dear Martin, look at me!" she commanded, "Now speak me plain. Whence
is your grief?"
"O, my lady," quoth I, "'tis the knowledge of my unworthiness, my
unloveliness, my rude and graceless ways; England is no place for like
of me. I am well enough here in the wild--to work for you, fight for
you an' need be, but how may I compare with your fine gallants and
courtly gentlemen?"
Now at this she clasps me all sudden in her arms and setting soft cheek
to mine falls a-chiding me, yet kissing me full oft, calling me
"silly," "dear," "foolish," and "beloved."
"How shall you compare?" cries she, "Thus and thus, dear Martin--so
infinitely above and beyond all other men that unless you wed me needs
must I die a maid!"
Thus did she comfort me, soothing my fears, and thus the dawn found us.
"O 'tis day!" she sighed, "'Tis day already!" And now 'twas her voice
was doleful whiles her eyes gazed regretful round about the white sands
of Deliverance and the tree-clad highlands beyond. "O indeed I do love
this dear island of ours, Martin!"
Sudden upon the stilly air was the beat of oars, and we beheld a boat
rowed by a couple of mariners and in the stern-sheets Sir Rupert Dering
and the three gentlemen, his companions. Hereupon my lady would have
me go with her to meet them then and there, but I shook my head.
"Do you go, Damaris, I'll not speak them before I must. And should you
have cause to mention me I pray you will not tell my name."
"As you will, dear Martin," says she and, pressing my hand, goes her
way. From the shadow of the rock I watched these gentlemen leap gaily
ashore to bow before her with many and divers elegant posturings,
flourishes and flauntings of hats, kissing of her hands and the like
gallantries until I must needs scowl otherwhere; yet even so, was
conscious of their merry laughter where they paced to and fro and the
new risen sun making a glory about her. At last she curtseys, and
staying them with a gesture, comes hasting back to me.
"Martin," says she, "it seems there be men wounded and dying on board
ship, so must I go to them. Will you not come with me?"
"Nay," I answered, "I'll to the caves for such things as you would
bring away."
"Why then, my spoon, Martin, and three-legged stool, bring these--nay
wait, 'tis there I would bid farewell to this our dear island. Wait me
there, Martin."
So away she goes on her errand of mercy, leaving me to my thoughts and
these all of England and my future life there. I was fain to picture
myself married and happy in my lady's love, my life thenceforth a
succession of peaceful days amid the ordered quiet of that Kentish
countryside I knew and loved so well. With the eye of my mind I seemed
to see a road winding 'twixt bloomy hedgerows, past chattering brooks
and pleasant meadows, past sleepy hamlet bowered 'mid trees and so,
'neath a leafy shade, to where rose tall gates, their pillars crowned
by couchant leopards wrought in the stone, and beyond these a broad
avenue, its green shadow splashed with sunlight, leading away to the
house of Conisby Shene with its wide terrace where stood my lady
waiting and expectant; yet nowhere could I vision myself. And now I
must needs bethink me of Godby's "long, dark road with the beckoning
light and the waiting arms of love," and in my heart the old doubt
waked and a fear that such peace, such tender meetings and welcomes
sweet, were not for such as I, nor ever could be.
From these gloomy reflections I was roused by a giggling laugh, and
glancing about, espied Sir Rupert and his three fellows, their finery
somewhat the worse for their late hardship yet themselves very gay and
debonair none the less as they stood viewing me and mighty interested.
Presently Sir Rupert steps up to me with his haughtiest
fine-gentlemanly air and no civility of bowing.
"Let me perish but here's notable change!" says he, surveying my rich
attire, so that I yearned for my rags again. "Here is strange
metamorphosis! The sullen and rustic Cymon bloometh at Beauty's
mandate, Caliban is tamed!" At the which sally his companions giggled
again.
"Sir," quoth I, and awkwardly enough, "I am in no mood for your
pleasantries. If therefore you have aught else to say of me, pray
remove out o' my hearing." This protest Sir Rupert fanned airily aside
with be-ringed hand.
"I gather," says he, "that you have been at some pains of service to my
Lady Brandon in her late dolorous situation here--receive my thanks!"
"I wish none o' your thanks, sir--"
"None the less I bestow 'em--on my Lady Brandon's behalf. Furthermore--"
"Enough, sir, I would be alone."
"Furthermore," he continued and with another airy motion of his white
fingers, "I would have you particularly remark that if my Lady Brandon,
lacking better company, hath stooped to any small familiarities with
you, these must be forgot and--"
"Ha!" I cried, springing to my feet, "Begone, paltry fool, lest I kick
you harder than I did last time at Conisby Shene."
"Insolent gallows'-rogue!" he panted, reaching for his sword-hilt, but
as he freed it from scabbard I closed with him and, wrenching it from
his hold, belaboured him soundly with the flat of it, and such of his
companions as chanced within my reach, until hearing shouts, I espied
Adam approaching with divers of his grinning fellows; whereupon I
snapped the blade across my knee and hasted from the place.
I strode on haphazard in a blind fury, but reaching the woods at last
and safe from all observation, I cast myself down therein, and
gradually my anger grew to a great bitterness. For (thinks I)
"gallows'-rogue" am I in very truth an outcast from my kind, a creature
shamed by pillory and lash, a poor wretch for spiteful Fortune's
buffets. Hereupon (being a blind fool ever) I cursed the world and all
men in it saving only my unworthy self. And next, bethinking me of my
dear lady who of her infinite mercy had stooped to love such as I, it
seemed that my shame must smirch her also, that rather than lifting me
to her level I must needs drag her down to mine. She, wedding me, gave
all, whiles I, taking all, had nought to offer in return save my
unworthiness. Verily it seemed that my hopes of life with her in
England were but empty dreams, that I had been living in the very
Paradise of Fools unless--
Here I raised bowed head, and clenching my fists stared blindly before
me.
How if the ship should sail without us?