THE EXAMINATION OF THE PARSON.
The "examining board" had the good luck to come upon the Parson in a
secluded spot near the Observatory. The Parson had left the library for
a walk, his beloved Dana under his arm and the cyathophylloid coral in
one of his pockets. The "committee" made a rush at him.
"Mr. Stanard?" inquired the lord high, etc.
Mr. Stanard bowed in his grave, serious way, his knees stiff, and his
head bobbing in unison with his flying coat tails.
"Mr. Stanard, I have been sent by the Army Board to read the inclosed
notice to you. Ahem!"
Mr. Stanard peered at the speaker. His mustache fooled the Parson, and
the Parson bowed meekly.
Once more the cadet took out the official envelope and with a
preliminary flourish and several "ahems!" began to read:
"United States Military Academy, West Point, June 20th. Cadet Peter
Stanard, of Boston, Massachusetts, it has just been ascertained, was
admitted to the duties of conditional cadet through an error of the
examining board. A re-examination of Cadet Stanard is hereby ordered to
be conducted immediately under the charge of the--ahem!--superintendent
of ordnance, in the Observatory Building. By order of the Academy Board.
Ahem!"
Now, if Cadet Peter Stanard had been a cadet just a little longer he
would never have been taken in by that device, for Cadet Peter Stanard
was no fool. But as it was, he did not see that the order was absurd.
He went.
Again the procession started with the same comments as before; this
time, however, the door was not locked, and the party entered, sought
out another room where stood several solemn cadets at attention,
respectfully saluting the superintendent of ordnance, ex-lord high.
"Cadet Stanard," said the latter, "take a chair. Here is pencil and
paper. What is that book there. Geology? Well, give it to me until
afterward. Now, Mr. Stanard, here are ten questions which the board
expects you to answer. These are general questions--that is, they are
upon no particular subject. The board desires to test your general
stock of information, the--ahem!--breadth, so to speak, of your
intellectual horizon. Now you will be allowed an hour to answer them.
And since I have other duties in the meantime, I shall leave you,
trusting to your own honor to use no unfair means. Mr. Stanard,
good-day."
Mr. Stanard rose, bobbed his head and coat tails and sat down. The
superintendent marched out, the cadets after him. The victim heard a key
turn in the door; the Parson glanced at the first question on the
paper--
"I. When are cyathophylloid corals to be found in fossiliferous
sandstone of Tertiary origin?"
"By the bones of a Megatherium!" cried the Parson, "The very thing I was
looking for myself and couldn't find."
And forthwith he seized his pencil, and, without reading further, wrote
a ten minutes' discourse upon his own researches in that same line.
"That's the best I can do," said he, wiping his brow. "Now for the
next."
"II. Name any undiscovered island in the Pacific Ocean."
The Parson knitted his brows in perplexity and reread the question.
"Undiscovered," he muttered. "Undiscovered! Surely that word is
undiscovered. U-m-yes! But if an island is undiscovered how can it have
any name? That must be a mistake."
In perplexity, the Parson went on to the next one.
"III. If a dog jumps three feet at a jump, how many jumps will it take
him to get across a wall twelve feet wide?"
"IV. In what year did George Washington stop beating his mother?"
A faint light had begun to dawn upon Stanard's mind; his face began to
redden with indignation.
"V. What is strategy in warfare? Give an example. If you were out of
ammunition and didn't want the enemy to know it, would it be strategy to
go right on firing?"
"VI. If three cannibals eat one missionary, how many missionaries will
it take to eat the three cannibals?"
"VII. If a plebe's swelled head shrinks at the rate of three inches a
day, how many months will it be before it fits his brains?"
And Stanard seized the paper, tore it across the middle and flung it to
the floor in disgust. Then he made for the door.
"There's going to be a fight!" he muttered. "I swear it by the Seven
Hills of Rome!"
The Parson's blood was boiling with righteous indignation; he had
"licked" those same cadets before, or some of them, and he meant to do
it again right now. But when he reached the door he halted for a moment
to listen to a voice he heard outside.
"I tell you I cannot do it! Bless my soul!"--the Parson recognized the
sound. "I tell you I have lost enough weight already. I can't run again.
Now, I'll go home first. Bless my soul!"
"Oho!" said the Parson. "So they got poor Indian in this thing, too.
Um--this is something to think over."
With his usual meditative manner he turned and took his seat again,
carefully pulling up his trousers and moving his coat tails as he did
so. Clearing his throat, he began to discuss the case with himself.
"It is obvious, very obvious, that my condition will in no way be
ameliorated by creating a suspicion in trying to make a forceful exit
through that locked door.
"It would be a more efficacious method, I think, in some way to manage
to summon aid. Perhaps it would be well to endeavor to leave in secret."
And with this thought in mind he went to the window.
"It would appear," he said, gravely, as he took in the situation, "that
the 'high-thundering, Olympian Zeus' smiles propitiously upon my plan."
And with this classic remark he stuck one long shank out of the window,
followed it with another just as long, and stood upon the cornice over
the door of the building, which chanced to be in reach. From there he
half slid, half tumbled to the ground, arose, arranged his necktie
carefully, gazed about him solemnly to hear if any one had seen him, and
finally set out at a brisk pace for barracks, taking great, long
strides, swinging his great, long arms, and talking sagely to himself in
the meanwhile.
"When the other two members of our--ahem!--alliance are made aware of
the extraordinary condition of affairs," he muttered, "I think that I am
justified in my hypothesis when I say there will be some excitement."
There was.