Gold, platinum, diamonds and other precious stuff are as plentiful on
Mars as hayfever is on Earth in August.
When the gangsters lamped the loot, their greedy eyes and greasy
fingers twitched, and when a hood's eyes and fingers twitch, watch
out; something is twitching.
The locals were completely honest. They were too dumb to be thieves.
The natives were not acquisitive. Why should they be when gold was so
common it had no value, and a neighbor's wife so ugly no one would
covet her?
This was a desperate situation, indeed, until one of the boys from
East St. Louis uttered the eternal truth: "There ain't no honest man
who ain't a crook, and why should Mars be any different?"
The difficulty was finding the means and method of corruption. All the
cash in Jake Guzik's strong box meant nothing to a race of characters
whose brats made mudpies of gold dust.
The discovery came as an accident.
The first Earthman to be eliminated on Mars was a two-bit hood from
North Clark Street who sold a five-cent Hershey bar with almonds to a
Martian for a gold piece worth 94 bucks.
The man from Mars bit the candy bar. The hood bit the gold piece.
Then the Martian picked up a rock and beaned the lad from the Windy
City. After which the Martian's eyes dilated and he let out a scream.
Then he attacked the first Martian female who passed by. Never before
had such a thing happened on Mars, and to say she was surprised is
putting it lightly. Thereupon, half the female population ran after
the berserk Martian.
When the organization heard about this, an investigation was ordered.
That is how the crime trust found out that there is no sugar on Mars;
that this was the first time it had ever been tasted by a Martian;
that it acts on them like junk does on an Earthman.
They further discovered that the chief source of Martian diet
is--believe it or not--poppy seed, hemp and coca leaf, and that the
alkaloids thereof: opium, hasheesh and cocaine have not the slightest
visible effect on them.
Poppies grow everywhere, huge russet poppies, ten times as large as
those on Earth and 100 times as deadly. It is these poppies which have
colored the planet red. Martians are strictly vegetarian: they bake,
fry and stew these flowers and weeds and eat them raw with a goo made
from fungus and called _szchmortz_ which passes for a salad dressing.
Though the Martians were absolutely impervious to the narcotic
qualities of the aforementioned flora, they got higher than Mars on
small doses of sugar.
So the Mafia was in business. The Martians sniffed granulated sugar,
which they called snow. They ate cube sugar, which they called "hard
stuff", and they injected molasses syrup into their veins with hypos
and called this "mainliners."
There was nothing they would not do for a pinch of sugar. Gold,
platinum and diamonds, narcotics by the acre--these were to be had in
generous exchange for sugar--which was selling on Earth at a nickel or
so a pound wholesale.
The space ship went into shuttle service. A load of diamonds and dope
coming back, a load of sugar and blondes going up. Blondes made
Martians higher even than sugar, and brought larger and quicker
returns.
This is a confidential tip to the South African diamond trust: ten
space ship loads of precious stones are now being cut in a cellar on
Bleecker Street in New York. The mob plans to retail them for $25 a
carat!
Though the gangsters are buying sugar at a few cents a pound here and
selling it for its weight in rubies on Mars, a hood is always a hood.
They've been cutting dope with sugar for years on Earth, so they
didn't know how to do it any different on Mars. What to cut the sugar
with on Mars? Simple. With heroin, of course, which is worthless
there.
This is a brief rundown on the racket situation as it currently exists
on our sister planet.
_FAKED PASSPORTS_: When the boys first landed they found only vague
boundaries between the nations, and Martians could roam as they
pleased. Maybe this is why they stayed close to home. Though anyway
why should they travel? There was nothing to see.
The boys quickly took care of this. First, in order to make travel
alluring, they brought 20 strippers from Calumet City and set them
peeling just beyond the border lines.
Then they went to the chieftains and sold them a bill of goods (with a
generous bribe of sugar) to close the borders. The next step was to
corrupt the border guards, which was easy with Annie Oakleys to do
the burlesque shows.
The selling price for faked passports fluctuates between a ton and
three tons of platinum.
_VICE_: Until the arrival of the Earthmen, there were no illicit
sexual relations on the planet. In fact, no Martian in his right mind
would have relations with the native crop of females, and they in turn
felt the same way about the males. Laws had to be passed requiring all
able-bodied citizens to marry and propagate.
Thus, the first load of bims from South Akard Street in Dallas found
eager customers. But these babes, who romanced anything in pants on
earth, went on a stand-up strike when they saw and smelled the
Martians. Especially smelled. They smelled worse than Texas yahoos
just off a cow farm.
This proved embarrassing, to say the least, to the procurers.
Considerable sums of money were invested in this human cargo, and the
boys feared dire consequences from their shylocks, should they return
empty-handed.
In our other Confidential essays we told you how the Mafia employs
some of the best brains on Earth to direct and manage its far-flung
properties, including high-priced attorneys, accountants, real-estate
experts, engineers and scientists.
A hurried meeting of the Grand Council was called and held in a
bungalow on the shores of one of Minneapolis' beautiful lakes. The
decision reached there was to corner chlorophyll (which accounts in
part for the delay in putting it on the market down here) and ship it
to Mars to deodorize the populace there. After which the ladies of the
evening got off their feet and went back to work.
_GAMBLING_: Until the arrival of the Mafia, gambling on Mars was
confined to a simple game played with children's jacks. The loser had
to relieve the winner of his wife.
The Mafia brought up some fine gambling equipment, including the
layouts from the Colonial Inn in Florida, and the Beverly in New
Orleans, both of which were closed, and taught the residents how to
shoot craps and play the wheel, with the house putting up sugar
against precious stones and metals. With such odds, it was not
necessary to fake the games more than is customary on Earth.