271. Having treated of the causes of cold and separation, it follows
from order that the causes of apparent love, friendship, and favor in
marriages, should also be treated of; for it is well known, that
although cold separates the minds (_animos_) of married partners at the
present day, still they live together, and have children; which would
not be the case, unless there were also apparent loves, alternately
similar to or emulous of the warmth of genuine love. That these
appearances are necessary and useful, and that without them there would
be no houses, and consequently no societies, will be seen in what
follows. Moreover, some conscientious persons may be distressed with the
idea, that the disagreement of mind subsisting between them and their
married partners, and the internal alienation thence arising, may be
their own fault, and may be imputed to them as such, and on this account
they are grieved at the heart; but as it is out of their power to
prevent internal disagreements, it is enough for them, by apparent love
and favor, from conscientious motives to subdue the inconveniences which
might arise: hence also friendship may possibly return, in which
conjugial love lies concealed on the part of such, although not on the
part of the other. But this subject, like the foregoing, from the great
variety of its matter, shall be treated of in the following distinct
articles: I. _In the natural world almost all are capable of being
joined together as to external, but not as to internal affections, if
these disagree and are apparent._ II. _In the spiritual world all are
joined together according to internal, but not according to external
affections, unless these act in unity with the internal._ III. _It is
the external affections, according to which matrimony is generally
contracted in the world._ IV. _But in case they are not influenced by
internal affections, which conjoin minds, the bonds of matrimony are
loosed in the house._ V. _Nevertheless those bonds must continue in the
world till the decease of one of the parties._ VI. _In cases of
matrimony, in which the internal affections do not conjoin, there are
external affections, which assume a semblance of the internal and tend
to consociate._ VII. _Hence come apparent love, friendship, and favor
between married partners._ VIII. _These appearances are assumed
conjugial semblances, and they are commendable, because useful and
necessary._ IX. _These assumed conjugial semblances, in the case of a
spiritual man (homo) conjoined to a natural, are founded in justice and
judgement._ X. _For various reasons these assumed conjugial semblances
with natural men are founded in prudence._ XI. _They are for the sake of
amendment and accommodation._ XII. _They are for the sake of preserving
order in domestic affairs, and for the sake of mutual aid._ XIII. _They
are for the sake of unanimity in the care of infants and the education
of children._ XIV. _They are for the sake of peace in the house._ XV.
_They are for the sake of reputation out of the house._ XVI. _They are
for the sake of various favors expected from the married partner, or
from his or her relations; and thus from the fear of losing such
favors._ XVII. _They are for the sake of having blemishes excused, and
thereby of avoiding disgrace._ XVIII. _They are for the sake of
reconciliation._ XIX. _In case favor does not cease with the wife, when
faculty ceases with the man, there may exist a friendship resembling
conjugial friendship, when the parties grow old._ XX. _There are various
kinds of apparent love and friendship between married partners, one of
whom is brought under the yoke, and therefore is subject to the other._
XXI. _In the world there are infernal marriages between persons who
interiorly are the most inveterate enemies, and exteriorly are as the
closest friends._ We proceed to an explanation of each article.
272. I. IN THE NATURAL WORLD ALMOST ALL ARE CAPABLE OF BEING JOINED
TOGETHER AS TO EXTERNAL, BUT NOT AS TO INTERNAL AFFECTIONS, IF THESE
DISAGREE AND ARE APPARENT. The reason of this is, because in the world
every one is clothed with a material body, and this is overcharged with
lusts, which are in it as dregs that fall to the bottom, when the must
of the wine is clarified. Such are the constituent substances of which
the bodies of men in the world are composed. Hence it is that the
internal affections, which are of the mind, do not appear; and in many
cases, scarce a grain of them transpires; for the body either absorbs
them, and involves them in its dregs, or by simulation which has been
learned from infancy conceals them deeply from the sight of others; and
by these means the man puts himself into the state of every affection
which he observes in another, and allures his affection to himself, and
thus they unite. The reason why they unite is, because every affection
has its delight, and delights tie minds together. But it would be
otherwise if the internal affections, like the external, appeared
visibly in the face and gesture, and were made manifest to the hearing
by the tone of the speech; or if their delights were sensible to the
nostrils or smell, as they are in the spiritual world: in such case, if
they disagreed so as to be discordant, they would separate minds from
each other, and according to the perception of antipathy, the minds
would remove to a distance. From these considerations it is evident,
that in the natural world almost all are capable of being joined
together as to external, but not as to internal affections, if these
disagree and are apparent.
273. II. IN THE SPIRITUAL WORLD ALL ARE CONJOINED ACCORDING TO INTERNAL,
BUT NOT ACCORDING TO EXTERNAL AFFECTIONS, UNLESS THESE ACT IN UNITY WITH
THE INTERNAL. This is, because in the spiritual world the material body
is rejected, which could receive and bring forth the forms of all
affections, as we have said just above; and a man (_homo_) when stripped
of that body is in his internal affections, which his body had before
concealed: hence it is, that in the spiritual world similarities and
dissimilarities, or sympathies and antipathies, are not only felt, but
also appear in the face, the speech, and the gesture; wherefore in that
world similitudes are conjoined, and dissimilitudes separated. This is
the reason why the universal heaven is arranged by the Lord according to
all the varieties of the affections of the love of good and truth, and,
on the contrary, hell according to all the varieties of the love of what
is evil and false. As angels and spirits, like men in the world, have
internal and external affections, and as, in the spiritual world, the
internal affections cannot be concealed by the external, they therefore
transpire and manifest themselves: hence with angels and spirits both
the internal and external affections are reduced to similitude and
correspondence; after which their internal affections are, by the
external, imaged in their faces, and perceived in the tone of their
speech; they also appear in their behaviour and manners. Angels and
spirits have internal and external affections, because they have minds
and bodies; and affections with the thoughts thence derived belong to
the mind, and sensations with the pleasures thence derived to the body.
It frequently happens in the world of spirits, that friends meet after
death, and recollect their friendships in the former world, and on such
occasions believe that they shall live on terms of friendship as
formerly; but when their consociation, which is only of the external
affections, is perceived in heaven, a separation ensues according to
their internal; and in this case some are removed from the place of
their meeting into the north, some into the west, and each to such a
distance from the other, that they can no longer see or know each other;
for in the places appointed for them to remain at, their faces are
changed so as to become the image of their internal affections. From
these considerations it is manifest, that in the spiritual world all are
conjoined according to internal affections, and not according to
external, unless these act in unity with the internal.
274. III. IT IS THE EXTERNAL AFFECTIONS ACCORDING TO WHICH MATRIMONY IS
GENERALLY CONTRACTED IN THE WORLD. The reason of this is, because the
internal affections are seldom consulted; and even if they are, still
their similitude is not seen in the woman; for she, by a peculiar
property with which she is gifted from her birth, withdraws the internal
affections into the inner recesses of her mind. There are various
external affections which induce men to engage in matrimony. The first
affection of this age is an increase of property by wealth, as well with
a view to becoming rich as for a plentiful supply of the comforts of
life; the second is a thirst after honors, with a view either of being
held in high estimation or of an increase of fortune: besides these,
there are various allurements and concupiscences which do not afford an
opportunity of ascertaining the agreement of the internal affections.
From these few considerations it is manifest, that matrimony is
generally contracted in the world according to external affections.
275. IV. BUT IN CASE THEY ARE NOT INFLUENCED BY INTERNAL AFFECTIONS,
WHICH CONJOIN MINDS, THE BONDS OF MATRIMONY ARE LOOSED IN THE HOUSE. It
is said _in the house_, because it is done privately between the
parties; as is the case when the first warmth, excited during courtship
and breaking out into a flame as the nuptials approach, successively
abates from the discordance of the internal affections, and at length
passes off into cold. It is well known that in this case the external
affections, which had induced and allured the parties to matrimony,
disappear, so that they no longer effect conjunction. That cold arises
from various causes, internal, external, and accidental, all which
originate in a dissimilitude of internal inclinations, was proved in the
foregoing chapter. From these considerations the truth of what was
asserted is manifest, that unless the external affections are influenced
by internal, which conjoin minds, the bonds of matrimony are loosed in
the house.
276. V. NEVERTHELESS THOSE BONDS MUST CONTINUE IN THE WORLD TILL THE
DECEASE OF ONE OF THE PARTIES. This proposition is adduced to the intent
that to the eye of reason it may more evidently appear how necessary,
useful, and true it is, that where there is not genuine conjugial love,
it ought still to be assumed, that it may appear as if there were. The
case would be otherwise if the marriage contract was not to continue to
the end of life, but might be dissolved at pleasure as was the case with
the Israelitish nation, who claimed to themselves the liberty of putting
away their wives for every cause. This is evident from the following
passage in Matthew: "_The pharisees came, and said unto Jesus, Is it
lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And when Jesus
answered, that it is not lawful to put away a wife and to marry another,
except on account of whoredom, they replied that nevertheless Moses
commanded to give a bill of divorce and to put her away; and the
disciples said, If the case of a man with his wife be so it is not
expedient to marry_," xix. 3-10. Since therefore the covenant of
marriage is for life, it follows that the appearances of love and
friendship between married partners are necessary. That matrimony, when
contracted, must continue till the decease of one of the parties, is
grounded in the divine law, consequently also in rational law, and
thence in civil law: in the divine law, because, as said above, it is
not lawful to put away a wife and marry another, except for whoredom; in
rational law, because it is founded upon spiritual, for divine law and
rational are one law; from both these together, or by the latter from
the former, it may be abundantly seen what enormities and destructions
of societies would result from the dissolving of marriage, or the
putting away of wives, at the good pleasure of the husbands, before
death. Those enormities and destructions of societies may in some
measure be seen in the MEMORABLE RELATION respecting the origin of
conjugial love, discussed by the spirits assembled from the nine
kingdoms, n. 103-115; to which there is no need of adding further
reasons. But these causes do not operate to prevent the permission of
separations grounded in their proper causes, respecting which see above,
n. 252-254; and also of concubinage, respecting which see the second
part of this work.
277. VI. IN CASE OF MATRIMONY IN WHICH THE INTERNAL AFFECTIONS DO NOT
CONJOIN, THERE ARE EXTERNAL AFFECTIONS WHICH ASSUME A SEMBLANCE OF THE
INTERNAL AND TEND TO CONSOLIDATE. By internal affections we mean the
mutual inclinations which influence the mind of each of the parties from
heaven; whereas by external affections we mean the inclinations which
influence the mind of each of the parties from the world. The latter
affections or inclinations indeed equally belong to the mind, but they
occupy its inferior regions, whereas the former occupy the superior: but
since both have their allotted seat in the mind, it may possibly be
believed that they are alike and agree; yet although they are not alike,
still they can appear so: in some cases they exist as agreements, and in
some as insinuating semblances. There is a certain communion implanted
in each of the parties from the earliest time of the marriage-covenant,
which, notwithstanding their disagreement in minds (_animis_) still
remains implanted; as a communion of possessions, and in many cases a
communion of uses, and of the various necessities of the house, and
thence also a communion of thoughts and of certain secrets; there is
also a communion of bed, and of the love of children: not to mention
several others, which, as they are inscribed on the conjugial covenant,
are also inscribed on their minds. Hence originate especially those
external affections which resemble the internal; whereas those which
only counterfeit them are partly from the same origin and partly from
another; but on the subject of each more will be said in what follows.
278. VII. HENCE COME APPARENT LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, AND FAVOR BETWEEN
MARRIED PARTNERS. Apparent loves, friendships, and favors between
married partners, are a consequence of the conjugial covenant being
ratified for the term of life, and of the conjugial communion thence
inscribed on those who ratify it; whence spring external affections
resembling the internal, as was just now indicated: they are moreover a
consequence of their causes, which are usefulness and necessity: from
which in part exist conjunctive external affections, or their
counterfeit, whereby external love and friendship appear as internal.
279. VIII. THESE APPEARANCES ARE ASSUMED CONJUGIAL SEMBLANCES; AND THEY
ARE COMMENDABLE, BECAUSE USEFUL AND NECESSARY. They are called assumed
semblances, because they exist with those who disagree in mind, and who
from such disagreement are interiorly in cold: in this case, when they
still appear to live united, as duty and decency require, their kind
offices to each other may be called assumed conjugial semblances; which,
as being commendable for the sake of uses, are altogether to be
distinguished from hypocritical semblances; for hereby all those good
things are provided for, which are commemorated in order below, from
article XI-XX. They are commendable for the sake of necessity, because
otherwise those good things would be unattained; and yet the parties are
enjoined by a covenant and compact to live together, and hence it
behoves each of them to consider it a duty to do so.
280. IX. THESE ASSUMED CONJUGIAL SEMBLANCES, IN THE CASE OF A SPIRITUAL
MAN (_homo_) CONJOINED TO A NATURAL, ARE FOUNDED IN JUSTICE AND
JUDGEMENT. The reason of this is, because the spiritual man, in all he
does, acts from justice and judgement; wherefore he does not regard
these assumed semblances as alienated from their internal affections,
but as connected with them; for he is in earnest, and respects amendment
as an end; and if he does not obtain this, he respects accommodation for
the sake of domestic order, mutual aid, the care of children, and peace
and tranquillity. To these things he is led from a principle of justice;
and from a principle of judgement he gives them effect. The reason why a
spiritual man so lives with a natural one is, because a spiritual man
acts spiritually, even with a natural man.
281. X. FOR VARIOUS REASONS, THESE ASSUMED CONJUGIAL SEMBLANCES WITH
NATURAL MEN ARE FOUNDED IN PRUDENCE. In the case of two married partners
of whom one is spiritual and the other natural, (by the spiritual we
mean the one that loves spiritual things, and thereby is wise from the
Lord, and by the natural, the one that loves only natural things, and
thereby is wise from himself,) when they are united in marriage,
conjugial love with the spiritual partner is heat, and with the natural
is cold. It is evident that heat and cold cannot remain together, also
that heat cannot inflame him that is in cold, unless the cold be first
dispersed, and that cold cannot flow into him that is in heat, unless
the heat be first removed: hence it is that inward love cannot exist
between married partners, one of whom is spiritual and the other
natural; but that a love resembling inward love may exist on the part of
the spiritual partner, as was said in the foregoing article; whereas
between two natural married partners no inward love can exist, since
each is cold; and if they have any heat, it is from something unchaste;
nevertheless such persons may live together in the same house, with
separate minds (_animis_), and also assume looks of love and friendship
towards each other, notwithstanding the disagreement of their minds
(_mentes_): in such case, the external affections, which for the most
part relate to wealth and possessions, or to honor and dignities, may as
it were be kindled into a flame; and as such enkindling induces fear for
their loss, therefore assumed conjugial semblances are in such cases
necessities, which are principally those adduced below in articles
XV.-XVII. The rest of the causes adduced with these may have somewhat in
common with those relating to the spiritual man; concerning which see
above, n. 280; but only in case the prudence with the natural man is
founded in intelligence.
282. XI. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF AMENDMENT AND ACCOMMODATION. The
reason why assumed conjugial semblances, which are appearances of love
and friendship subsisting between married partners who disagree in mind,
are for the sake of amendment, is because a spiritual man (_homo_)
connected with a natural one by the matrimonial covenant, intends
nothing else but amendment of life; which he effects by judicious and
elegant conversation, and by favors which soothe and flatter the temper
of the other; but in case these things prove ineffectual, he intends
accommodation, for the preservation of order in domestic affairs, for
mutual aid, and for the sake of the infants and children, and other
similar things; for, as was shown above, n. 280, whatever is said and
done by a spiritual man (_homo_) is founded in justice and judgement.
But with married partners, neither of whom is spiritual, but both
natural, similar conduct may exist, but for other ends; if for the sake
of amendment and accommodation, the end is, either that the other party
may be reduced to a similitude of manners, and be made subordinate to
his desires, or that some service may be made subservient to his own, or
for the sake of peace within the house, of reputation out of it, or of
favors hoped for by the married partner or his relations; not to mention
other ends: but with some these ends are grounded in the prudence of
their reason, with some in natural civility, with some in the delights
of certain cupidities which have been familiar from the cradle, the loss
of which is dreaded; besides several ends, which render the assumed
kindnesses as of conjugial love more or less counterfeit. There may also
be kindnesses as of conjugial love out of the house, and none within;
those however respect as an end the reputation of both parties; and if
they do not respect this, they are merely deceptive.
283. XII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF PRESERVING ORDER IN DOMESTIC AFFAIRS,
AND FOR THE SAKE OF MUTUAL AID. Every house in which there are children,
their instructors, and other domestics, is a small society resembling a
large one. The latter also consists of the former, as a whole consists
of its parts, and thereby it exists; and further, as the security of a
large society depends on order, so does the security of this small
society; wherefore as it behoves public magistrates to see and provide
that order may exist and be preserved in a compound society, so it
concerns married partners in their single society. But there cannot be
this order if the husband and wife disagree in their minds (_animis_);
for thereby mutual counsels and aids are drawn different ways, and are
divided like their minds, and thus the form of the small society is rent
asunder; wherefore to preserve order, and thereby to take care of
themselves and at the same time of the house, or of the house and at the
same time of themselves, lest they should come to hurt and fall to ruin,
necessity requires that the master and mistress agree, and act in unity;
and if, from the difference of their minds (_mentium_) this cannot be
done so well as it might, both duty and propriety require that it be
done by representative conjugial friendship. That hereby concord is
established in houses for the sake of necessity and consequent utility,
is well known.
284. XIII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF UNANIMITY IN THE CARE OF INFANTS AND
THE EDUCATION OF CHILDREN. It is very well known that assumed conjugial
semblances, which are appearances of love and friendship resembling such
as are truly conjugial, exist with married partners for the sake of
infants and children. The common love of the latter causes each married
partner to regard the other with kindness and favor. The love of infants
and children with the mother and the father unite as the heart and lungs
in the breast. The love of them with the mother is as the heart, and the
love towards them with the father is as the lungs. The reason of this
comparison is, because the heart corresponds to love, and the lungs to
the understanding; and love grounded in the will belongs to the mother,
and love grounded in the understanding to the father. With spiritual men
(_homines_) there is conjugial conjunction by means of that love
grounded in justice and judgement; in justice, because the mother had
carried them in her womb, had brought them forth with pain, and
afterwards with unwearied care suckles, nourishes, washes, dresses, and
educates them, (and in judgement, because the father provides for their
instruction in knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom).
285. XIV. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE IN THE HOUSE. Assumed conjugial
semblances, or external friendships for the sake of domestic peace and
tranquillity, relate principally to the men, who, from their natural
characteristic, act from the understanding in whatever they do; and the
understanding, being exercised in thought, is engaged in a variety of
objects which disquiet, disturb, and distract the mind; wherefore if
there were not tranquillity at home, it would come to pass that the
vital spirits of the parties would grow faint, and their interior life
would as it were expire, and thereby the health of both mind and body
would be destroyed. The dreadful apprehension of these and several other
dangers would possess the minds of the men, unless they had an asylum
with their wives at home for appeasing the disturbances arising in their
understandings. Moreover peace and tranquillity give serenity to their
minds, and dispose them to receive agreeably the kind attentions of
their wives, who spare no pains to disperse the mental clouds which they
are very quick-sighted to observe in their husbands: moreover, the same
peace and tranquillity make the presence of their wives agreeable. Hence
it is evident, that an assumed semblance of love, as if it was truly
conjugial, for the sake of peace and tranquillity at home, is both
necessary and useful. It is further to be observed, that with the wives
such semblances are not assumed as with the men; but if they appear to
resemble them, they are the effect of real love, because wives are born
loves of the understanding of the men; wherefore they accept kindly the
favors of their husbands, and if they do not confess it with their lips,
still they acknowledge it in heart.
286. XV. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF REPUTATION OUT OF THE HOUSE. The
fortunes of men in general depend on their reputation for justice,
sincerity, and uprightness; and this reputation also depends on the
wife, who is acquainted with the most familiar circumstances of her
husband's life; therefore if the disagreements of their minds should
break out into open enmity, quarrels, and threats of hatred, and these
should be noised abroad by the wife and her friends, and by the
domestics, they would easily be turned into tales of scandal, which
would bring disgrace and infamy upon the husband's name. To avoid such
mischiefs, he has no other alternative than either to counterfeit
affection for his wife, or that they be separated as to house.
287. XVI. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF VARIOUS FAVORS EXPECTED FROM THE
MARRIED PARTNER, OR FROM HIS OR HER RELATIONS, AND THUS FROM THE FEAR OF
LOSING SUCH FAVORS. This is the case more especially in marriages where
the rank and condition of the parties are dissimilar, concerning which,
see above, n. 250; as when a man marries a wealthy wife who stores up
her money in purses, or her treasures in coffers; and the more so if she
boldly insists that the husband is bound to support the house out of his
own estate and income: that hence come forced likenesses of conjugial
love, is generally known. The case is similar where a man marries a
wife, whose parents, relations, and friends, are in offices of dignity,
in lucrative business, and in employments with large salaries, who have
it in their power to better her condition: that this also is a ground of
counterfeit love, as if it were conjugial, is generally known. It is
evident that in both cases it is the fear of the loss of the above
favors that is operative.
288. XVII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING BLEMISHES EXCUSED, AND
THEREBY OF AVOIDING DISGRACE. There are several blemishes for which
conjugial partners fear disgrace, some criminal, some not. There are
blemishes of the mind and of the body slighter than those mentioned in
the foregoing chapter n. 252 and 253, which are causes of separation;
wherefore those blemishes are here meant, which, to avoid disgrace, are
buried in silence by the other married partner. Besides these, in some
cases there are contingent crimes, which, if made public, are subject to
heavy penalties; not to mention a deficiency of that ability which the
men usually boast of. That excuses of such blemishes, in order to avoid
disgrace, are the causes of counterfeit love and friendship with a
married partner, is too evident to need farther confirmation.
289. XVIII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF RECONCILIATION. That between
married partners who have mental disagreements from various causes,
there subsist alternate distrust and confidence, alienation and
conjunction, yea, dispute and compromise, thus reconciliation; and also
that apparent friendships promote reconciliation, is well known in the
world. There are also reconciliations which take place after partings,
which are not so alternate and transitory.
290. XIX. IN CASE FAVOR DOES NOT CEASE WITH THE WIFE, WHEN FACULTY
CEASES WITH THE MAN, THERE MAY EXIST A FRIENDSHIP RESEMBLING CONJUGIAL
FRIENDSHIP WHEN THE PARTIES GROW OLD. The primary cause of the
separation of minds (_animorum_) between married partners is a falling
off of favor on the wife's part in consequence of the cessation of
ability on the husband's part, and thence a falling off of love; for
just as heats communicate with each other, so also do colds. That from a
falling off of love on the part of each, there ensues a cessation of
friendship, and also of favor, if not prevented by the fear of domestic
ruin, is evident both from reason and experience. In case therefore the
man tacitly imputes the causes to himself, and still the wife perseveres
in chaste favor towards him, there may thence result a friendship,
which, since it subsists between married partners, appears to resemble
conjugial love. That a friendship resembling the friendship of that
love, may subsist between married partners, when old, experience
testifies from the tranquillity, security, loveliness, and abundant
courtesy with which they live, communicate, and associate together.
291. XX. THERE ARE VARIOUS KINDS OF APPARENT LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN
MARRIED PARTNERS, ONE OF WHOM IS BROUGHT UNDER THE YOKE, AND THEREFORE
IS SUBJECT TO THE OTHER. It is no secret in the world at this day, that
as the first fervor of marriage begins to abate, there arises a
rivalship between the parties respecting right and power; respecting
right, in that according to the statutes of the covenant entered into,
there is an equality, and each has dignity in the offices of his or her
function; and respecting power, in that it is insisted on by the men,
that in all things relating to the house, superiority belongs to them,
because they are men, and inferiority to the women because they are
women. Such rivalships, at this day familiar, arise from no other source
than a want of conscience respecting love truly conjugial, and of
sensible perception respecting the blessedness of that love; in
consequence of which want, lust takes the place of that love, and
counterfeits it; and, on the removal of genuine love, there flows from
this lust a grasping for power, in which some are influenced by the
delight of the love of domineering, which in some is implanted by artful
women before marriage, and which to some is unknown. Where such grasping
prevails with the men, and the various turns of rivalship terminate in
the establishment of their sway, they reduce their wives either to
become their rightful property, or to comply with their arbitrary will,
or into a state of slavery, every one according to the degree and
qualified state of that grasping implanted and concealed in himself; but
where such grasping prevails with the wives, and the various turns of
rivalship terminate in establishing their sway, they reduce their
husbands either into a state of equality of right with themselves, or of
compliance with their arbitrary will, or into a state of slavery: but as
when the wives have obtained the sceptre of sway, there remains with
them a desire which is a counterfeit of conjugial love, and is
restrained both by law and by the fear of legitimate separation, in case
they extend their power beyond the rule of right into what is contrary
thereto, therefore they lead a life in consociation with their husbands.
But what is the nature and quality of the love and friendship between a
ruling wife and a serving husband, and also between a ruling husband and
a serving wife, cannot be briefly described; indeed, if their
differences were to be specifically pointed out and enumerated, it would
occupy several pages; for they are various and diverse--various
according to the nature of the grasping for power prevalent with the
men, and in like manner with the wives; and diverse in regard to the
differences subsisting in the men and the women; for such men have no
friendship of love but what is infatuated, and such wives are in the
friendship of spurious love grounded in lust. But by what arts wives
procure to themselves power over the men, will be shewn in the following
article.
292. XXI. IN THE WORLD THERE ARE INFERNAL MARRIAGES BETWEEN PERSONS WHO
INTERIORLY ARE THE MOST INVETERATE ENEMIES, AND EXTERIORLY ARE AS THE
CLOSEST FRIENDS. I am indeed forbidden by the wives of this sort, in the
spiritual world, to present such marriages to public view; for they are
afraid lest their art of obtaining power over the men should at the same
time be divulged, which yet they are exceedingly desirous to have
concealed: but as I am urged by the men in that world to expose the
causes of the intestine hatred and as it were fury excited in their
hearts against their wives, in consequence of their clandestine arts, I
shall be content with adducing the following particulars. The men said,
that unwittingly they contracted a terrible dread of their wives, in
consequence of which they were constrained to obey their decisions in
the most abject manner, and be at their beck more than the vilest
servants, so that they lost all life and spirit; and that this was the
case not only with those who were in inferior stations of life, but also
with those who were advanced in high dignities, yea with brave and
famous generals: they also said, that after they had contracted this
dread, they could not help on every occasion expressing themselves to
their wives in a friendly manner, and doing what was agreeable to their
humors, although they cherished in their hearts a deadly hatred against
them; and further, that their wives still behaved courteously to them
both in word and deed, and complaisantly attended to some of their
requests. Now as the men themselves greatly wondered, whence such an
antipathy could arise in their internals, and such an apparent sympathy
in their externals, they examined into the causes thereof from some
women who were acquainted with the above secret art. From this source of
information they learned, that women (_mulieres_) are skilled in a
knowledge which they conceal deeply in their own minds, whereby, if they
be so disposed, they can subject the men to the yoke of their authority;
and that this is effected in the case of ignorant wives, sometimes by
alternate quarrel and kindness, sometimes by harsh and unpleasant looks,
and sometimes by other means; but in the case of polite wives, by urgent
and persevering petitions, and by obstinate resistance to their husbands
in case they suffer hardships from them, insisting on their right of
equality by law, in consequence of which they are firm and resolute in
their purpose; yea, insisting that if they should be turned out of the
house, they would return at their pleasure, and would be urgent as
before; for they know that the men by their nature cannot resist the
positive tempers of their wives but that after compliance they submit
themselves to their disposal; and that in this case the wives make a
show of all kinds of civility and tenderness to their husbands subjected
to their sway. The genuine cause of the dominion which the wives obtain
by this cunning is, that the man acts from the understanding and the
woman from the will, and that the will can persist, but not so the
understanding. I have been told, that the worst of this sort of women,
who are altogether a prey to the desire of dominion, can remain firm in
their positive humors even to the last struggle for life. I have also
heard the excuses pleaded by such women (_mulieres_) for entering upon
the exercise of this art; in which they urged that they would not have
done so unless they had foreseen supreme contempt and future rejection,
and consequent ruin on their part, if they should be subdued by their
husbands: and that thus they had taken up these their arms from
necessity. To this excuse they add this admonition for the men; to leave
their wives their own rights, and while they are in alternations of
cold, not to consider them as beneath their maid-servants: they said
also that several of their sex, from their natural timidity, are not in
a state of exercising the above art; but I added, from their natural
modesty. From the above considerations it may now be known what is meant
by infernal marriages in the world between persons who interiorly are
the most inveterate enemies, and exteriorly are like the most attached
friends.
* * * * *
293. To the above I will add TWO MEMORABLE RELATIONS. FIRST. Some time
ago as I was looking through a window to the east, I saw seven women
sitting in a garden of roses at a certain fountain, and drinking the
water. I strained my eye-sight greatly to see what they were doing, and
this effort of mine affected them; wherefore one of them beckoned me,
and I immediately quitted the house and came to them. When I joined
them, I courteously inquired whence they were. They said, "We are wives,
and are here conversing respecting the delights of conjugial love, and
from much consideration we conclude, that they are also the delights of
wisdom." This answer so delighted my mind (_animum_), that I seemed to
be in the spirit, and thence in perception more interior and more
enlightened than on any former occasion; wherefore I said to them, "Give
me leave to propose a few questions respecting those satisfactions." On
their consenting, I asked, "How do you wives know that the delights of
conjugial love are the same as the delights of wisdom?" They replied,
"We know it from the correspondence of our husbands' wisdom with our own
delights of conjugial love; for the delights of this love with ourselves
are exalted and diminished and altogether qualified, according to the
wisdom of our husbands." On hearing this, I said, "I know that you are
affected by the agreeable conversation of your husbands and their
cheerfulness of mind, and that you derive thence a bosom delight; but I
am surprised to hear you say, that their wisdom produces this effect;
but tell me what is wisdom, and what wisdom (produces this effect)?" To
this the wives indignantly replied, "Do you suppose that we do not know
what wisdom is, and what wisdom (produces that effect), when yet we are
continually reflecting upon it as in our husbands, and learn it daily
from their mouths? For we wives think of the state of our husbands from
morning to evening; there is scarcely an hour in the day, in which our
intuitive thought is altogether withdrawn from them, or is absent; on
the other hand, our husbands think very little in the day respecting our
state; hence we know what wisdom of theirs it is that gives us delight.
Our husbands call that wisdom spiritual rational, and spiritual moral.
Spiritual rational wisdom, they say, is of the understanding and
knowledges, and spiritual moral wisdom of the will and life; but these
they join together and make a one, and insist that the satisfactions of
this wisdom are transferred from their minds into the delights in our
bosoms, and from our bosoms into theirs, and thus return to wisdom their
origin." I then asked, "Do you know anything more respecting the wisdom
of your husbands which gives you delight?" They said, "We do. There is
spiritual wisdom, and thence rational and moral wisdom. Spiritual wisdom
is to acknowledge the Lord the Saviour as the God of heaven and earth,
and from Him to procure the truths of the church, which is effected by
means of the Word and of preachings derived therefrom, whence comes
spiritual rationality; and from Him to live according to those truths,
whence comes spiritual morality. These two our husbands call the wisdom
which in general operates to produce love truly conjugial. We have heard
from them also that the reason of this is, because, by means of that
wisdom, the interiors of their minds and thence of their bodies are
opened, whence there exists a free passage from first principles even to
last for the stream of love; on the flow, sufficiency, and virtue of
which conjugial love depends and lives. The spiritual rational and moral
wisdom of our husbands, specifically in regard to marriage, has for its
end and object to love the wife alone, and to put away all concupiscence
for other women; and so far as this is effected, so far that love is
exalted as to degree, and perfected as to quality; and also so far we
feel more distinctly and exquisitely the delights in ourselves
corresponding to the delights of the affections and the satisfactions of
the thoughts of our husbands." I inquired afterwards, whether they knew
how communication is effected. They said, "In all conjunction by love
there must be action, reception, and reaction. The delicious state of
our love is acting or action, the state of the wisdom of our husbands is
recipient or reception, and also is reacting or reaction according to
perception; and this reaction we perceive with delights in the breast
according to the state continually expanded and prepared to receive
those things which in any manner agree with the virtue belonging to our
husbands, thus also with the extreme state of love belonging to
ourselves, and which thence proceed." They said further, "Take heed lest
by the delights which we have mentioned, you understand the ultimated
delights of that love: of these we never speak, but of our bosom
delights, which always correspond with the state of the wisdom of our
husbands." After this there appeared at a distance as it were a dove
flying with the leaf of a tree in its mouth: but as it approached,
instead of a dove I saw it was a little boy with a paper in his hand: on
coming to us he held it out to me, and said, "Read it before these
Maidens of the fountain." I then read as follows, "Tell the inhabitants
of your earth, that there is a love truly conjugial having myriads of
delights, scarce any of which are as yet known to the world; but they
will be known, when the church betroths herself to her Lord, and is
married." I then asked, "Why did the little boy call you Maidens of the
fountain?" They replied, "We are called maidens when we sit at this
fountain; because we are affections of the truths of the wisdom of our
husbands, and the affection of truth is called a maiden; a fountain also
signifies the true of wisdom, and the bed of roses, on which we sir, the
delights thereof." Then one of the seven wove a garland of roses, and
sprinkled it with water of the fountain, and placed it on the boy's cap
round his little head, and said, "Receive the delights of intelligence;
know that a cap signifies intelligence; and a garland from this rose-bed
delights." The boy thus decorated then departed, and again appeared a
distance like a flying dove, but now with a coronet on his head.
294. THE SECOND MEMORABLE RELATION. After some days I again saw the
seven wives in a garden of roses, but not in the same as before. Its
magnificence was such as I had never before seen: it was round, and the
roses in it formed as it were a rainbow. The roses or flowers of a
purple color formed its outermost circle, others of a yellow golden
color formed the next interior circle, within this were others of a
bright blue, and the inmost of a shining green; and within this rainbow
rose-bed was a small lake of limpid water. These seven wives, who were
called the Maidens of the fountain, as they were sitting there seeing me
again at the window, called me to them; and when I was come they said,
"Did you ever see anything more beautiful upon the earth?" I replied,
"Never." They then said, "Such scenery is created instantaneously by the
Lord, and represents something new on the earth; for every thing created
by the Lord is representative: but what is this? tell, if you can: we
say it is the delights of conjugial love." On hearing this, I said,
"What! the delights of conjugial love, respecting which you before
conversed with so much wisdom and eloquence! After I had left you, I
related your conversation to some wives in our country, and said, 'I now
know from instruction that you have bosom delights arising from your
conjugial love, which you can communicate to your husbands according to
their wisdom, and that on this account you look at your husbands with
the eyes of your spirit from morning to evening, and study to bend and
draw their minds (_animos_) to become wise, to the end that you may
secure those delights.' I mentioned also that by wisdom you understand
spiritual rational and moral wisdom, and in regard to marriage, the
wisdom to love the wife alone, and to put away all concupiscence for
other women: but to these things the wives of our country answered with
laughter, saying, 'What is all this but mere idle talk? We do not know
what conjugial love is. If our husbands possess any portion of it, still
we do not; whence then come its delights to us? yea, in regard to what
you call ultimate delights, we at times refuse them with violence, for
they are unpleasant to us, almost like violations: and you will see, if
you attend to it, no sign of such love in our faces: wherefore you are
trifling or jesting, if you also assert, with those seven wives, that we
think of our husbands from morning to evening, and continually attend to
their will and pleasure in order to catch from them such delights.' I
have retained thus much of what they said, that I might relate it to
you; since it is repugnant, and also in manifest contradiction, to what
I heard from you near the fountain, and which I so greedily imbibed and
believed." To this the wives sitting in the rose garden replied,
"Friend, you know not the wisdom and prudence of wives; for they totally
hide it from the men, and for no other end than that they may be loved:
for every man who is not spiritually but only naturally rational and
moral, is cold towards his wife; and the cold lies concealed in his
inmost principles. This is exquisitely and acutely observed by a wise
and prudent wife; who so far conceals her conjugial love, and withdraws
it into her bosom, and there hides it so deeply that it does not at all
appear in her face, in the tone of her voice, or in her behaviour. The
reason of this is, because so far as it appears, so far the conjugial
cold of the man diffuses itself from the inmost principles of his mind,
where it resides, into its ultimates, and occasions in the body a total
coldness, and a consequent endeavour to separate from bed and chamber."
I then asked, "Whence arises that which you call conjugial cold?" They
replied, "From the insanity of the men in regard to spiritual things;
and every one who is insane in regard to spiritual things; in his inmost
principles is cold towards his wife, and warm towards harlots; and since
conjugial love and adulterous love are opposite to each other, it
follows that conjugial love becomes cold when illicit love is warm; and
when cold prevails with the man, he cannot endure any sense of love, and
thus not any allusion thereto, from his wife; therefore the wife so
wisely and prudently conceals that love; and so far as she conceals it
by denying and refusing it, so far the man is cherished and recruited by
the influent meretricious sphere. Hence it is, that the wife of such a
man has no bosom delights such as we have, but only pleasures, which, on
the part of the man, ought to be called the pleasures of insanity,
because they are the pleasures of illicit love. Every chaste wife loves
her husband, even if he be unchaste; but since wisdom is alone recipient
of that love, therefore she exerts all her endeavours to turn his
insanity into wisdom, that is, to prevent his lusting after other women
besides herself. This she does by a thousand methods, being particularly
cautious lest any of them should be discovered by the man; for she is
well aware that love cannot be forced, but that it is insinuated in
freedom; wherefore it is given to women to know from the sight, the
hearing, and the touch, every state of the mind of their husbands; but
on the other hand it is not given to the men to know any state of the
mind of their wives. A chaste wife can look at her husband with an
austere countenance, accost him with a harsh voice, and also be angry
and quarrel, and yet in her heart cherish a soft and tender love towards
him; but such anger and dissimulation have for their end wisdom, and
thereby the reception of love with the husband: as is manifest from the
consideration, that she can be reconciled in an instant. Besides, wives
use such means of concealing the love implanted in their inmost heart,
with a view to prevent conjugial cold bursting forth with the man, and
extinguishing the fire of his adulterous heat, and thus converting him
from green wood into a dry stick." When the seven wives had expressed
these and many more similar sentiments, their husbands came with
clusters of grapes in their hands, some of which were of a delicate, and
some of a disagreeable flavor; upon which the wives said, "Why have you
also brought bad or wild grapes?" The husbands replied, "Because we
perceived in our souls, with which yours are united, that you were
conversing with that man respecting love truly conjugial, that its
delights are the delights of wisdom, and also respecting adulterous
love, that its delights are the pleasures of insanity. The latter are
the disagreeable or wild grapes; the former are those of delicate
flavor." They confirmed what their wives had said, and added that, "in
externals, the pleasures of insanity appear like the delights of wisdom,
but not so in internals; just like the good and bad grapes which we have
brought; for both the chaste and the unchaste have similar wisdom in
externals, but altogether dissimilar in internals." After this the
little boy came again with a piece of paper in his hand, and held it out
to me, saying, "Read this;" and I read as follows: "Know that the
delights of conjugial love ascend to the highest heaven, and both in the
way thither and also there, unite with the delights of all heavenly
loves, and thereby enter into their happiness, which endures for ever;
because the delights of that love are also the delights of wisdom: and
know also, that the pleasures of illicit love descend even to the lowest
hell, and, both in the way thither and also there, unite with the
pleasures of all infernal loves, and thereby enter into their
unhappiness, which consists in the wretchedness of all heart-delights;
because the pleasures of that love are the pleasures of insanity." After
this the husbands departed with their wives, and accompanied the little
boy as far as to the way of his ascent into heaven; and they knew that
the society from which he was sent was a society of the new heaven, with
which the new church in the world will be conjoined.
* * * * *