I joined the Bandasaris, who have no fixed residence, but rove

continuously between the Ganges and the Indus. They are a race like

our gypsies. I believed I might organize them into an army and win

back my kingdom, and liberate my beautiful Zeib Alnissa, but the

blessing of God did not rest on my undertaking.

When I had got my army ready to march to Sardhana, the chief of the

tribe changed his mind about letting me use his people to win back my

throne, and, instead, sold me to the English company, which

corporation had also offered a price for my head. Thus my unfortunate

cranium became the property of the powerful East India Company, and

there, if nowhere else, a man learns how to pray.

PART IX.

ON THE HIGH SEAS.

CHAPTER I.

THE PIRATES.

The English did not think me of sufficient consequence to suspend me

in an iron cage over the crocodile pool. This honor was reserved for

the native shahs and rajahs.

I was transported, with scant ceremony, to Bombay, from which city I

was shipped to sea, together with fifty other prisoners, who, like

myself, had come to India to seek their fortunes, and whose chief

crime was their nationality. They were natives of France, Holland,

Germany and Spain, and the East India Company believed it had a right

to arrest them and ship them in a body to New Caledonia.

Now, honorable gentlemen of the court, I beg you to tell me which was

the pirate?--I, in the unseaworthy cutter, bound with chains to a

Spaniard, perspiring over my oars, sailing to New Zealand instead of

to New Caledonia, where the captain had been ordered to take us;

having nothing to eat and drink but dried fish and stale water, the

captain having again disobeyed orders, for the East India Company had

shipped honest biscuit, smoked meat and brandy for the prisoner's

food--which of us, I ask, was the pirate? the captain, who plundered

the helpless prisoners in his power and broke the maritime

laws--which, I ask, was the pirate; Captain Morder or I?

"I say Captain Morder was the pirate--" and the prince emphasized his

reply by thumping the floor with his cane.

Many thanks, your highness; I wanted the question decided, for,

against unauthorized force, self-defence is always justifiable. When

we poor exiles became aware that our vessel was going farther and

farther south, which we were able to judge from the stars; when, in

consequence of the wretched food, the scurvy broke out among us; and

when at last we also got a taste of the scourge, if we made any

complaint, we conspired together to release ourselves from our chains;

and to take possession of the cutter.

My hidalgo comrade was an expert in such matters. He showed us how to

get rid of our manacles as easily as if they had been gloves or boots.

It is a very pretty trick, but I don't think I could show you how it

is done unless I received something in return--

"We don't want to learn the trick," interrupted the chair. "We have no

use for it."

Well, after we had removed our fetters, we bound the sleeping crew,

and, without shedding one drop of blood, made ourselves masters of the

"Alcyona."

Now, honorable gentlemen of the court, I ask you: Can what we did be

called mutiny? We were not the slaves of the East India Company; we

were not prisoners of war; nor were we criminals. The captain had no

right to chain us to the oars; we had done nothing to deserve

deportation to a savage country.

On Captain Morder, however, rested most of the blame. He treated us

free men like negro slaves; he gave us nothing to eat for a whole week

but dried fish, though not all of us were papists; and to be more

disagreeably contrary, he gave us smoked meat on Fridays because the

majority of our crowd were Catholics.

"That rascally captain deserved to be hanged to the tallest mast on

his ship!" exclaimed the justly indignant prince.

Yes, your highness, he did, but we didn't hang him, because we

couldn't get hold of him. While we were securing the crew, he fled

discreetly to the powder-room, and threatened to blow up the ship when

we went to take him. We had to treat with him for terms. We assured

him we did not want to injure him; we only wanted to leave his ship.

To this he replied that we might go to the devil for all he cared.

Then followed a twenty-four hour truce, and our first business was--

"To eat your fill," interposed the chair.

Yes, your honor, to eat and drink all we wanted. Then we lowered the

large boat, supplied it with mast and sails; loaded it with all the

chests of biscuit, and casks of brandy it would hold, also a small

cannon. Then we cut into bits the rigging of the cutter; threw

overboard all the weapons we could find, in order that the captain

could do us no injury in case he took it into his head to pursue us;

took possession of his charts, compass, and telescope, and sailed away

one beautiful moonlight night without saying goodbye to any one. How

did Captain Morder reach home with the "Alcyona?" I really forget

whether I ever heard.

There were fifty of us in the boat--five different nationalities. As I

was the only one who could speak the five different languages, I was

elected ship's patron, an office which differs from that of captain in

that the latter commands every one on board a vessel, while the former

carries out what his companions decide.

"I see plainly to what this subtle distinction will lead," dryly

observed the chair. "Some one else will have to bear the blame for

whatever misdeeds the 'ship's-patron' committed."

I am compelled to admire the honorable gentleman's keen perceptions,

returned the prisoner in his most deferential manner. In this case,

however, they are at fault; neither the ship's company nor its patron

did anything which deserved yard-arm punishment.

Our intention, when we left the ship was to land in Florida, or the

Philippines, and there found a new republic. But more than one

unlooked-for hindrance prevented us from carrying out the plan. Hardly

had the "Alcyona" disappeared from view, when a dead calm settled down

on us; it was so still the sails hung in heavy folds from the yards;

we could make progress, and that only very slowly, when we employed

the oars.

The calm continued for two days, during which not a breath of air

wrinkled the surface of the ocean.

"Didn't you say you had taken all the provisions on the ship?"

inquired the chair.

"Yes, your honor, but 'all' was only the one-half of 'many,' and

exactly the one-tenth of 'enough.' Even had there been 'many,' we had

'more' hungry mouths, and to take plus from minus is not permissable

in Algorithm."

"And it can't be done," authoritatively interposed the prince. "You

can't take eight from seven unless you borrow. From whom did you

borrow, prisoner?"

"From a crab-fisher we met, your highness. During a calm, the large

sea-crabs are more easily taken than at other times."

The honorable gentlemen of the court will have learned from natural

history the peculiar characteristics of the sea-crab, which is of all

living creatures--the human being not excepted--the most timorous.

When a crab hears thunder or cannonading, he immediately flings off

one of his huge claws, in order that he may escape more quickly.

Crab-fishers know this, and have made a compact with all warships, by

which the latter have agreed to refrain from firing off cannon when in

sight of a crabbing vessel. This is the reason all such vessels have a

large red crab painted on their sails. The compact also obliges the

fishers to deliver half of their catch to any warship they may meet on

the high seas.

Consequently when we came in sight of the crabber we signalled for our

share of his catch. We had eaten all our dried fish, and were on

half-rations of biscuit.

"Oho!" called the fisher when he came near enough to distinguish the

character of our craft. "How can you demand crabs of me? You aren't a

warship."

"But we are hungry, and have a cannon on board. You know the result of

a cannon-shot during a calm!"

This threat brought the argument to a conclusion; the crabber,

according to seaman's custom, shared his catch with us.

"If," interposed the prince in a thoughtful manner; "If it was

according to seaman's custom it cannot be termed 'piracy.'"

"No, certainly not!" ironically appended the chair. "It cannot be

termed piracy--only an act of playfulness--a bit of frolic! But, let

us hear what other pranks the band of fifty played with their cannon?

I will spread the map here on the table, so that I may follow the

course of your boat. I fancy I shall be able to tell from that whether

you and your fellows comported yourselves as honest seamen or thievish

pirates."

There was an almost imperceptible twitch of the prisoner's left eyelid

when the mayor concluded his remark, and spread the map on the table

in front of him.

In the neighborhood of the Marquesas Islands, honorable gentlemen, we

fell in with a Spanish ship loaded with coffee. The captain, in

response to our petition, supplied us with coffee, chocolate, and

honey. This enabled us to continue our journey; we sailed toward the

Aleutians, and met on our way a Russian merchantman, the owner of

which took pity on us, and gave us several barrels of good brandy and

salted fish.

When we were near the island of Yucatan our provisions again gave out,

and we were compelled to borrow from an Italian trader some sago-palm,

flour and several boxes of sultanas.

"What need had you of sultanas?" inquired the chair.

Sultanas are not women, your honor, but dried grapes, which are packed

in boxes. When a man is starving he will eat anything! In the

neighborhood of Barbados a Turkish vessel very kindly gave us a supply

of pickled pork; and the captain of a Chinese junk we fell in with

near the Canary Islands, was friendly enough to share his wine with

us.

When off Madagascar, a Greek captain loaded our boat so generously

with _rahut rakum_, it almost foundered under the weight; and when

near Terre del Fuego we--

"Hold! stop!" screamed the chair thumping with both fists on the map.

"If I wanted to make an accurate diagram of your course, I should have

to tie a thread to the leg of a grasshopper and let him loose on a

blank sheet of paper! A courier on horseback could not have made such

twists and turns!"

"We did travel in a sort of zig-zag fashion," admitted the prisoner

deprecatingly; "but, you see, none of us understood navigation.

Besides, our charts were not accurate, and our compass full of whims."

"Must have been a feminine compass!" jocosely remarked his highness.

"To tell the truth, honorable gentlemen, I am not quite certain if

the names I have given you are the ones properly belonging to the

portions of the globe we visited. The excellent custom which obtains

in all civilized regions, of posting the names of places at the

street-corners, had not yet reached those remote corners. I can assure

you, however, that we really met all the ships I have mentioned, as we

were forced to beg our way over the limitless ocean."

"Beg your way!" sarcastically interrupted the chair. "It seems to me

that fifty determined men, with small arms and a cannon, and a boat as

swift as yours might have overtaken almost any other craft afloat."

"We did overtake a good many, your honor, and all of them very

willingly shared their provisions with us when they saw we were in

distress."

"Do you remember meeting a merchantman from Bremen?"

"Don't I? Don't I remember the generous gentleman! We met him near the

Cape of Good Hope. That point of land hasn't got its name for nothing!

It brought 'good hope' back to us! We were in tatters; the stormy

weather; long voyage; and many hardships had reduced our frames to

skeletons, our clothing to rags. When the brave man--blessed be his

memory!--came up with us, and saw our nakedness, he took off his own

coat and gave it to me--may heaven's blessings rest on him wherever he

may be!"

"He tells quite a different story," responded the chair. "On his

return home, he complained to the Hansa League that a boat load of

pirates was sailing the high-seas, plundering, and levying

contributions, from all vessels it met. He also related how the

pirates had taken all his, as well as his crew's clothing. This must

be true; for no Bremen trader has ever been known willingly to give

coat of his to anyone. Bremen is not far away. We can summon the

complainant--whose name, I believe, is Schulze--and let him tell his

story here--"

"May I beg that your honor"--quickly interposed the prisoner--"will at

the same time summon the witnesses who will testify for me? They are,

the Spanish merchant Don Rodriguez di Saldayeni, from Badajos; the

Russian captain, Bello Bratanow Zwonimir Tschinowink, from

Kamtschatka; the Italian, Signor Sparafucile Odoards, from Palermo;

the Turk, Ali Baba Ben Didimi Effendi, from Brusa; the Chinese

mandarin, Chien-Tsen-Triping-Van, from Shanghai; the Greek, Heros

Leonidas Karaiskakis, from Tricala; the--"

"Enough! enough!" roared the mayor clapping his hands to his ears. "I

don't want to hear another name. Rather will I believe every word you

say! You were sea-beggars, impoverished voyagers--anything but

pirates! Will your highness permit us to erase also this indictment

from the register?" The prince assenting, his honor added: "Now we

will hear how the crime of cannibalism will be disposed of."

"I will first take the liberty to remind the honorable gentlemen of

the court, that anthropophagy is not at all times considered a capital

crime. The inhabitants of the Fiji Islands look upon it as the only

proper method to dispose of a captured foe. The eating of human flesh

is a part of the religious cult of the Mexicans; and during the

Tartar invasion of Hungary, the people--as Rogerius proves--who had

been robbed of the necessaries of life, were forced to eat each other.

To such a condition of starvation we were also reduced, a fearful

hurricane having compelled us, while on the Pacific ocean, to throw

overboard all our stores in order to prevent the boat from sinking--"

"Now you are telling another story," thundered the chair. "You say you

were on the Pacific ocean. If it is a _pacific_ ocean how is it

possible that such a storm as you describe raged there? You shall be

bound to the wheel, if you don't confess at once that hurricanes never

rage on the Pacific Ocean."

Your honor is right--my memory served me ill--there are no such storms

on the Pacific Ocean. But there are sharks. The voracious beasts

surrounded our boat in such numbers that, in order to prevent them

from eating us, we gave them all our provisions, hoping to fall in

with a kind-hearted captain who would replenish our larder. But we

didn't meet a single ship. For two whole weeks we managed to keep

alive by eating our boots, and not until the last pair had been

devoured, did we decide to resort to the "sailor's lunch," and cast

lots which of us should be served up as such.

My name was drawn, and I made up my mind to die calmly--_pro bono

publico_. But, when I began to remove my clothes, the Spaniard to whom

I had been chained on the "Alcyona," and for whom I entertained the

affection of a brother, stepped forward and said:

"You shall not die, brave rajah. You have a wife--nay, two of them,

to whom your life is valuable. Here am I--your brother, who will

consider it a privilege, an honor--as did the brave Curtius when he

galloped into the abyss to save the republic--to fling myself into

these hungry throats!"

With these words the noble fellow drew his sword, severed his head

from his body and laid it before us.

"Did you eat any of him?"

"I was starving, your honor."

"That establishes your crime. The punishment for eating a body endowed

with a human soul is death at the stake, you--"

"Hold," interposed the prince. "What portion of the Spaniard's body

did you consume, prisoner?"

"His foot, your highness."

"Has the human foot a soul?"

"Why, certainly," answered the chair. "How frequently do we hear: 'His

sense or his courage are in his knees'--sense and courage cannot exist

without a soul. And, don't we say: 'Honest from his crown to his

toes'--whereby we establish that even the toes possess a soul.'"

"These are merely phrases--maxims," returned the prince. "If the soul

extends to the extremities, then the man who has a foot amputated

loses a portion of his soul also; and it might happen, that

one-quarter of a human soul would go to paradise, and the other

three-quarters to hades--which it is absurd to suppose could be the

case. To my thinking this is so important a question, that only the

faculty of theology is capable of deciding it. Until those learned

gentlemen have delivered an opinion on the subject, we cannot go on

with this case. Therefore, the prisoner is remanded to his cell until

such decision shall arrive."

A week was the time required by the learned faculty to discuss the

questions: "Does the soul extend to the extremities of the human

body?"

If not, just where does it terminate?

The decision was as follows:

"The soul extends to the knees--for this reason man is required to

kneel when he prays. Consequently, that portion of the human frame

below the knees is a soulless appendage."

"Then," decided the prince, when this decision was read to him, "the

indictment for cannibalism may also be stricken from the register."

PART X.

UXORICIDE.

CHAPTER I.

THE SECUNDOGENITUR.

Although my crime has been most generously condoned by your highness,

I have not escaped punishment for it. I have suffered severely. After

partaking of the unnatural food, all in the boat were seized with

frightful convulsions, similar to those exhibited by a dog afflicted

with rabies.

The smallest particle of the accursed food is sufficient to make a man

experience all the tortures of purgatory. I dare say the reason my

sufferings were not so severe as those of my comrades, I ate only the

foot. They foamed at the lips; their eyeballs burst from the sockets;

they bit each other, and rent and tore their own flesh. They bellowed,

roared, and whined, as dogs do at the moon. Many of them sprang at

once into the water and were devoured by sharks.

When my worst torture passed, my limbs became cold and rigid as stone;

it was the marasmus. I could see, and hear, but I could neither feel

nor move. The fierce sun beating on my face threatened to burn out my

eyes, but I could not lift my hands to cover them. To seize the

horizon and draw it up to the zenith would have been an easier task

than to close my eyelids over the burning eyeballs.

Yet, amid all this horrible pain, I had the feeling as if a faint

zephyr from fluttering wings were sweeping across my cheek. It was the

white dove perched on my shoulder, my beautiful white dove, who was

come to me again in my hour of direst need! She tried with her

outstretched wings to shield my face from the scorching sun, and the

blessed shadow brought such relief that I was at last able to close my

eyes in sleep.

How long and whither the dismasted and rudderless boat drifted;

whether it touched any shore--I cannot remember. I don't know what

happened during my madness.

My comrades in misfortune were lost; some drowned themselves to end

their agony; some died a horrible death in the boat. I alone was saved

by a heavenly providence for further trials. The drifting boat was

found by an Indian merchantman bound for Antwerp, and the noble

Christians aboard of her, believing life not yet extinct in my

miserable body, worked over me until they brought back the soul to its

earthly tenement.

I forgive every enemy I have in the world; but my benefactor on that

Indian merchantman, who brought me back to life, I never can forgive.

Had he cast me into the waves instead of resuscitating me, I should

now be ambergris, for, as the honorable gentlemen know, that valuable

substance develops in the stomach of a shark, and I should have been

devoured by one of those voracious beasts. Instead of a wretched

criminal on trial for his many misdeeds, I should now, had I been

allowed to become ambergris, be swinging in a censer perfuming the

altar of a church. The care I received on board the Indiaman fully

restored my strength, and when we arrived in the harbor in Holland

there was no trace about me of the many hardships I had endured.

I could hardly wait until I got back to Nimeguen to see my dear wife

and child. The child would be running about now--perhaps the mother

had taught it to call me by name!

How happy I should be to be home again!--no captain, no rajah, but a

father.

Not the consort of a Begum, but the husband of my wife. I blessed the

fate which had delivered me from the land of lions, tigers and

serpents. Had not I a tulip garden worth all the wealth of India?

I turned night to day in order to reach home as quickly as possible,

and sent mounted estafets in advance to announce my coming. My wife,

who had increased in weight fully twenty-five pounds, had a splendid

repast prepared for me; and flung her arms around my neck when I

alighted from the carriage.

After our first transports of joy were over, my first words were:

"Now, where is my child?"

"There they come," replied my wife, pointing, with a beaming

countenance, toward two nurse-maids who were descending the

staircase. One of the maids led by the hand a little toddling lad; the

other carried an infant in long clothes on her arm.

"What--what does that mean?" I stammered, pointing toward the smaller

child.

"That is your second born, you silly fellow!" replied my wife, smiling

affectionately.

"My second born?" I exclaimed in amazement. "Why, I have been absent

for nearly three years."

"Have you forgotten Maimuna and Danesh?" she whispered, hiding her

blushing face on my breast. "Have you forgotten our meeting in the

palace on Ararat?"

"Maimuna and Danesh?--_Himmelkreuzelement!_" I exclaimed, unable to

suppress the forcible expletive.

My wife, however, was roused to anger by it. Did I presume to doubt

her fidelity? she demanded in no gentle accents. Had she not in her

possession ample proof that she was true to me? Had she not my own

letter, in which I related at length the circumstances of our meeting

on Ararat, whither we had been taken by the two genii? Was a better

proof required than the lingam I had given her at that meeting--also

the fragment of stuff with gold dragons woven in it? And, if it was

true that I was a king at the time of our meeting on the mountain,

then the infant on the maid's arm must be a prince!

"Woman," I returned in a severe tone, "this is not a matter for jest.

Visions are not real. That I dreamed a delightful dream I admit; but

this squalling brat is no dream! On the contrary, he is a very

disagreeable reality! I'll go at once to the burgomaster! I'll

denounce you to the arch-bishop! I'll summon the consistory! I will

not allow myself to be made a fool of!"

"Very well," retorted my wife, "go to the burgomaster--go to the

arch-bishop--summon the consistory, make a tremendous ado, and you

will prove yourself a greater fool than I believed you!"

I carried out my threat and rushed to the burgomaster's residence. He

was still asleep, but I dragged him out of bed, and told him the

French were coming to attack the town. That drove slumber from his

eyes; and I proceeded to lay my complaint before him. He kept yawning

the while so dreadfully that I feared he might swallow me before I got

through with my story.

When I concluded, he deliberated several minutes, then said I should

come again the next day--he would have to think over the matter.

I was forced to go back to my wife. I couldn't help myself, for I

hadn't a groschen to my name, and the Nimeguen inns will not receive a

guest unless he pays in advance for his entertainment.

To my shame therefore I was compelled to go home, and now it was my

wife who raged and scolded. She said I might complain as much, and to

whomsoever I wanted, it would benefit me nothing. If I did not accept

the situation with a good humor, mine would be the loss--and so on.

I bore her taunts, and revilings, in silence, for I felt great need of

supper and rest; but I said to myself: "There is a tomorrow--I'll have

my revenge then!"

The next day I went again to the burgomaster; he was able to keep

awake this time.

He asked me if he should speak to me as to a Nimeguen gunner, or an

East Indian sovereign?

"As to an Indian rajah," I replied.

"Very good!--also: Sublime Maharajah, nabob, or Shah--whichever is the

proper title--be seated." My title permitted me to put on my hat,

while respect for it obliged the burgomaster to remove his office cap.

He continued: "Be kind enough to answer the following questions: How

many wives does the law permit an Indian sovereign to marry? How many

elephants, camels, rhinoceroses, male and female genii, and other

draught cattle, is he allowed to employ in his service?"

I saw what would be the result if I answered these questions, so I

said instead:

"I beg pardon, your honor, but, on second thought, I believe I would

rather have you speak to me as to a gunner of Nimeguen--according to

European custom."

"Very good again--also. You gunner-fellow, take off your hat this

instant!" he commanded, at the same time placing the cap on his head.

"As it is contrary to our Christian laws to take a second wife while

the first is still alive, I shall pronounce you guilty of bigamy, the

punishment for which is the pillory first, and the galleys afterward."

This did not suit me either, so I interrupted:

"May I beg that you will speak to me as to an Indian sovereign?"

I put on my hat, but the burgomaster did not again remove his cap. He

said:

"You had command of a province, and a pair of flying genii; therefore,

it is quite within the bounds of possibility that you and your first

wife were borne through the air to the meeting-place on the mountain

you mention. That being settled, what else do you complain of? Have

you lost anything?"

"No, your honor, quite the contrary; I have found something; a son I

did not expect."

"Is the child living?"

"He is."

"Well--if he is living he is alive. That which is, cannot be

denied--it is a fact, and that which is a fact cannot be termed

fiction--"

This ridiculous un-reasoning angered me, and I interrupted him,

whereupon there ensued a war of words that raged furiously until it

culminated in an exchange of blows.

The case was not one for a mere burgomaster to decide; I would submit

it to the consistory. I did not know then what I had undertaken!

All Nimeguen is related; its citizens are cousins or brothers-in-law,

and withal exceedingly moral. If it so happens that any one of them

commits an indiscretion, all the rest take great pains to conceal the

misdeed. I don't mean that it is never mentioned in private; but there

is not a court of law in the land that could summon a witness who

would admit that he, or she, knew anything about the matter. In my

case, servants, neighbors, citizens, all averred that my wife was the

pattern of fidelity; that she had not been known to leave her house,

only when she went to confession and to church; that she had not even

bought a new cap during my entire absence.

Consequently, my accusations were ridiculous, and wholly without

foundation.

Her defense had a powerful base to rest on. There was the letter

written by my own hand on Chinese palm-paper, describing our meeting

in the palace on Mount Ararat, and attested by the bonzes, who, as

everybody knows, are learned men, and as worthy of trust as any member

of our chapter-house.

Consequently, there must be such fairies as Maimuna and Danesh, else

the bonzes would not have testified to their existence. If there were

no such creatures in Europe, it was because the climate was too

severe. There are no elephants in Holland, yet no one would deny their

existence elsewhere--not even the man who had never seen one, would

deny that they roamed the jungles of India! Moreover, is there not

mention made in the Holy Scriptures of a chariot of fire journeying

with a passenger through the air? And did not Jonah make a voyage on

the ocean, in the stomach of a whale?

If holy men could make such journeys, why should anyone deny that the

genii Maimuna and Danesh had carried a man and his wife to the palace

on Mount Ararat?--especially as both man and wife had desired the

meeting, whereas Jonah had never expressed the least desire to enter

the whale's belly.

Added to this evidence, my wife possessed in the lingam absolute proof

of my having been with her on Ararat--also the fragment of

dragon-cloth, the like of which was not to be found in all Europe--all

irrefragable proofs!

You may guess that the consistory did not hesitate long to deliver an

opinion.

Although it was almost impossible to believe that so remarkable a

journey could have been accomplished a respectable and pious lady had

really travelled from Nimeguen on the wings of an East Indian Jinnee,

at night, to Mount Ararat, and back in the morning.

Also: It was not at all likely that the said respectable and pious

lady, the former widow of a captain, wife of a gunner, and consort of

an Indian rajah, would demean her respectable station, and inflict a

stain on her wedded fidelity. Therefore, the woman accused of adultery

was guiltless; and the father of the _surculi masculi_ found at home

by the returned gunner, was no other than he, the _nuptiae

demonstrant_. And with this decision I was forced to be satisfied,

also with my wife and the infant.

Here, the prince laughed so heartily that he burst a button from his

collar.

"An amusing story, by my word!" he exclaimed. "I would not have missed

it for a riding-horse! Ha, ha--to decide that a vision really happened

because the dreamer wrote an account of it--ha, ha, ha!"

"And did everything really happen as you related it?" inquired the

chair.

Everything--I give my word of honor--what am I saying? Not by my

honor, but by the rope around my neck, I swear that everything

happened just as I told you. You may apply to the authorities of

Nimeguen, who will substantiate my account. Because of its remarkable

character, the case is recorded in the chronicles of the city. This

will explain the deed I was forced to commit afterward.

"We will hear you confess it tomorrow," said the prince.

CHAPTER II.

THE QUICKSANDS.

My case had been decided by the consistory. I was not the first man

who had had such an experience; and I was philosophical enough to

conclude that if other men had survived their disgrace, I might also.

So, I made up my mind to forgive my wife, and live amicably with her.

I acted as if nothing had happened to mar the relations between us,

and all would have been well, had not my neighbors tormented me beyond

endurance.

I became furious every time I went into the street. Everybody saluted

me as "your majesty." They would inquire how I was getting on with my

crowns--as if I had a dozen! One man would ask me if I had seen a

Maimuna lately; another would tell me he had seen a stork with a baby

in its bill fly through the air. I received scurrilous letters through

the post, and bands of singers would stop under my window and chant my

shameful history from beginning to end. In short, everything those

Nimeguen citizens could invent to annoy me was done. I boiled with

rage, for I was unable to defend myself.

In any other community I could have defended myself from such

persecution. I should have challenged the first one who insulted me,

and run him through with my sword. That is an effective way to

silence scurrilous tongues. In Nimeguen, however, it would have been

impossible to find a second to deliver a challenge; and if I had sent

it by a messenger the challenged person would have hastened at once to

the burgomaster to complain that I had threatened to murder him.

If I had tweaked the nose of a fellow for refusing to give me

satisfaction, he would have sued me; and I would have been sentenced

to pay three marks for a nose-tweak, and six for a slap on the mouth.

This would have resulted in my spending nearly all my time in the

burgomaster's office, because of the numerous summons to answer the

charge of assault and battery, and my wife would have been kept busy

paying the fines.

At last, I could endure it no longer. I told my wife I should have to

go away, and she decided that we would go together to Vliessingen,

where she would drink the medicinal waters.

I was glad enough to accompany her. I would have gone anywhere to be

rid of my tormenters. But I was mistaken in believing I should be rid

of them at Vliessingen. I received anonymous letters by every post;

but I paid no heed to them until one day I received the following:

"What a stupid fellow you are! Your wife does not need a jinnee to

carry her where she wants to go. You are her Maimuna; and Vliessingen

is the Ararat whither Danesh has transported her lover. He has sent

her a red velvet cap trimmed with gold braid and white lace, and

every time she wears it, she signals to him that you will be away from

home that day. Oh, stupid dolt that you are!"

This was more than enough.

My wife had received just such a cap as was described in the letter;

and when she put it on, it always seemed to me that she looked

happier.

I began to find fault with the cap. I begged her not to wear it, or at

least not to go out doors when she had it on. But she persisted in

wearing it, and ridiculed my anger, until I got to hate the sight of

the red cap.

One day I was obliged to go to Antwerp on business. My wife insisted

on accompanying me part of the way, as I should have to walk a

considerable distance from the baths to take a conveyance.

Something--my white dove mayhap--whispered in my ear not to let her go

with me; that it would be better for both of us if she remained at

home.

But she had set her head on going, and nothing could prevent it. And

she put on the red cap!

I remonstrated with her about wearing it, but she laughed at me and

said:

"You silly fellow! Of whom are you jealous, here in this sandy desert?

Of the gulls, perhaps?--or the moles?"

Are the honorable gentlemen of the court familiar with that region?

No?

Then it will be necessary to describe it, in order that what I relate

may appear clear to you.

The entire country thereabout is an arid waste, a seemingly

illimitable stretch of sand dunes, and brackish pools, partly grown

with brown reeds, broom and heath, but so stunted that the horns of

the cattle grazing there are plainly seen. The herders are obliged to

wear long stilts. This uninhabited territory is separated by a dike

several feet in height from the downs, which is a fearful region.

There, earth and water are combined against man and beast; the two

life-dispensing elements have become agents of death. The sand blown

from the shore of the sea settles on the deep pools and dries. No

plants grow there, and woe to the man or beast that strays on to the

downs from the dike, or the heath beyond. The sand will sink beneath

the feet of the incautious wanderer; if he draws up one foot, the

other will sink yet deeper. At first, the instability of the earth

amuses him; he fancies that, when he shall tire of the amusement, it

will be easy enough to leave the place.

But the sand into which he is slowly but surely sinking is bottomless.

Inch by inch the unfortunate victim is swallowed--as is the dove in

the jaws of the serpent. Not until he has sunk to his waist, does

despair seize him, and he realizes that escape is impossible. Every

effort to extricate himself is futile--he only sinks the deeper into

the treacherous sand.

In vain he shouts for help. No help will come to him, for, he that

hears despairing cries from the downs, will flee in the opposite

direction to get beyond reach of the sound, knowing well that were he

to attempt to rescue the sinking wretch he too would be engulfed in

the quicksand.

When the victim's head has vanished beneath the surface, only a

funnel-shaped depression marks the spot where a living creature has

met death, and this sign will be obliterated by the first wind that

blows across the sands.

As I have mentioned before, a dike, with a road along its summit,

divides the treacherous quicksands and the grazing cattle.

It was along this dike-road that my wife and I walked arm in arm the

morning I started for Antwerp.

"You see, my love," I said to her, "how happy we are together when

there is no one to disturb us. I should want for nothing else on earth

if you would but promise not to wear that red cap again."

"And I," she returned, "need only to wear this red cap in order to

make me perfectly contented and happy."

"Very well, then wear it--wear three red caps, one over the other,

only don't wear this one while I am away from you."

"Well--I won't wear it while you are away."

"Swear that you won't?"

"No, I will not swear not to wear it, for if I should forget my oath,

and put the cap on, then I should perjure myself--and no cap is worth

that!"

"Then the cap is dearer to you than I am?" I asked.

"Do you hate the cap so much that you hate me because I wear it?" she

inquired in turn.

"I have just cause to hate this cap, and I don't want to hate you for

the same reason. Promise not to wear it while I am away."

"No, I will not promise--you must not be so quarrelsome."

"I will show you why you ought not wear it. Here, read this letter I

received from Nimeguen."

I took the letter from my pocket, and gave it to her. Her face took on

the hue of her cap as she read, and when she had finished, she stamped

her foot, tore the letter into bits and flung them over the downs,

exclaiming:

"Now, I shall wear the cap for spite."

"No, you shall not wear it," I cried, beside myself with rage.

I tore the cap from her head and flung it after the letter. What

followed, the honorable gentlemen of the court will be able to

conjecture after I have described my wife's figure and disposition.

In Holland, as well as in some other portions of the globe, married

people occasionally disagree; but I believe that only in Holland is it

the husband who goes to a justice of the peace with a blackened eye to

substantiate a complaint against his wife.

My spouse was no exception to her fellow-countrywomen. Taller by half

a head than I, broad-shouldered and with a powerful chest, she could

hold at arm's length a small child seated on her hand--and it was a

hand, too, that would render superfluous a _visam repertum_, if it

came in contact with a human face!

And from this amazon I had dared to snatch a favorite cap, and toss it

on the quicksands. As I flung the cap away, the woman threw herself

against me like an enraged elephant, and sent me staggering backward

to the edge of the embankment, where I turned a somersault down into

one of the bitter, natron-impregnated pools on the heath, in which not

even a leech can exist.

I had fallen with my head in the water; it sank to the chin in the

slimy mud at the bottom, and had it not been for my presence of mind,

I should have drowned; for the most expert swimmer will forget his

skill if he finds his eyes, nose, mouth and ears filled with mire--and

mire, too, that burns and stings like nettles.

I managed with great difficulty to wriggle out of the pool, but I

could see neither sky nor earth for several minutes. It took

considerable time to cleanse the mire from my mouth, nose, eyes and

ears; and it was hours before I could hear again.

I felt like one resuscitated from drowning; my entire body burned as

if I were covered from crown to sole with a vesicatory. Then I began

to think of what might have happened while I was sitting on the heath

ridding myself of the mire.

I could not see my wife anywhere on the embankment. What had become of

her?

I was compelled to wade through the pools a considerable distance, in

order to get back to the dike-road, for the embankment where I had

fallen over was too steep to be climbed.

Therefore, a half hour or more passed before I stood again on the

dike-road looking about for my wife. She was nowhere in sight on the

road. Then I turned toward the sands, and what I saw there caused the

blood to curdle in my veins--the foolish woman had gone after her cap!

She had it on her head, which, with her two arms, was all that was

visible of her body above the sands. It was a horrible sight. Her

staring eyes were fixed on me in accusation, her hands battled vainly

with the empty air, her lips were open, but no sound issued forth. She

was still alive, but entombed.

I thought of nothing but saving her. I sprang down the embankment, but

when the sinking woman saw me coming toward her, she began to beat the

sand furiously with her hands, as if she were trying to prevent my

approach. I could not have saved her. I had made but fifty steps

toward her when I too began to sink. Recognizing the futility of

further effort on my part, I flung myself face down on the sand, that

my entire weight might not rest on my feet, and thus I managed to

propel my body slowly, painfully, toward the stable earth.

[Illustration: "Thus I managed to propel my body slowly, painfully

toward the stable earth"]

A seemingly endless time elapsed before I reached the foot of the

embankment, and all the while there was a sound in my ears as of waves

dashing against rocks, each wave crying hoarsely: "Curse you!" "Curse

you!"

When at last, dripping with ice-cold perspiration and quivering with

horror, I reached the top of the dike, I could see only the red

velvet cap on the sands; and as I looked, a sudden gust of wind

sweeping up from the sea, seized it and bore it toward me.

Overcome by terror I turned and fled like a madman down the road. All

day long I continued my flight over pathless wastes; through withered

copses, which had been destroyed by frequent inundations; across

marshes filled with croaking frogs, and nesting storm-petrels; the

lurking place of weasels and others, and from every corner I heard

voices calling after me: "Murder!" "Murder!" The frogs croaked it from

the water, the birds piped it from the air. The withered trees moaned

it, and stretched their branches threateningly toward me; and the

briars trailing along the ground caught at my feet and cried: "Stop,

stop! let me bind you, murderer!"

All things animate and inanimate joined in accusing me; and at last a

wall rose before me to hinder further flight.

It was only a broken dike; but to me it seemed a prison. Foot-sore and

weary, I lay down amid the stones fallen from the wall. They were

covered with thick moss, and it was a relief to stretch my tired limbs

among them.

I began to collect my scattered senses, to think calmly over what had

happened, and after awhile I began to excuse myself to the frogs and

the petrels, the moles and the sparse-branched withered trees that

stood around me staring at me as if they would say:

"Come, murderer, decide which of us will best suit you."

I defended myself: "I am not a murderer; I am not going to hang

myself. I did not lay a finger on the woman--it was she who thrust me

over the dike into a pool where I nearly drowned. She was foolish

enough to go where certain death awaited her--she alone is to blame!"

"But, why did you throw her cap on the sands?" questioned the frogs,

the storm-birds, and the moles. "Had not I a right to do it? Hadn't I

a right to prevent her from wearing the cap which disgraced her and

me? Had not she brought dishonor on me once before? Was I to permit it

a second time? By throwing the cap away I was only defending my honor

and her virtue. I did not kill her--she alone is to blame for her

death!"

"Ha, ha, ha!" sneered every animate creature. "Ha, ha, ha!" scoffed

the breeze sweeping over the moor. No one--nothing in the wide world

took sides with me. The elements were against me; every human being on

the globe--large, small, white, black, olive-hued--all were against

me. Cities, towns, villages; houses palaces, huts--all were my

enemies; I must flee from every human habitation.

And yet, I am not guilty. All the world will say that I am. My wife

will be missed; she was seen going away in my company; her cap will be

found beside the dike. It will be said that I murdered her, and thrust

her body into the quicksands.

I am not my wife's murderer. Did no one see her thrust me over the

dike? Will no one testify for me?

A fluttering wing brushed my cheek:

"Ah, my white dove! Are you there? You will speak for me. You will

tell all the world that I am innocent--that I did not murder my wife?"

Filled with hope and joy, I turned my eyes toward my shoulder. The

white dove was not perched there, but a coal black raven, and he

croaked:

"Thou didst it!"

"At last," exclaimed the mayor as he shook the ink from the pen with

which he had authenticated the protocol. "At last we have a confession

that cannot be rendered invalid by a pharasaical _referrata mentalis_!

At last the executioner will get something to do! _Uxoricidium

aequale_: quartering, _praecedente_: the right hand to be severed from

the wrist."

"I don't agree with your honor," interposed the prince. "There is a

law that was promulgated by _Sanctus Ladislaus rex_--he was a

Hungarian king, to be sure, but he is a saint for all that; and

because he was canonized his law is held sacred by all christendom; it

reads something like this: 'If a man finds his wife guilty of

infidelity, and takes her life, he is answerable to God alone for the

deed--'"

"Of course!" angrily exclaimed the chair, "I'll warrant the knave

never dreamed that _Sanctus Ladislaus rex_ would drag him by the hair

of his head out of limbo!--Let it be added to the rest of the miracles

performed by Saint Ladislas!"

PART XI.

IN SATAN'S REALM.

CHAPTER I.

THE SATYRS.

Not until the shadows of night had settled around me did I learn into

what an accursed region I had strayed. It was the notorious

"_kempenei_"--the rendezvous of witches and all evil spirits.

When it became quite dark, the jack-o'-lanterns began to flit over the

moor--as if the witches were dancing a minuet; and suddenly I heard a

tumult of shrieks and yells, and looking upward I beheld the most

repulsive lot of females it has ever been the lot of man to see.

They had hairy chins; and huge warts on their noses. They came rushing

through the air, seated on the shoulders of pallid-faced male forms.

Each hag hung her mount by the bridle around his neck to a limb of one

of the dead trees, and clapped her heels three times together before

she descended to the ground. Then the witches held a council, and each

one detailed the evil she had perpetrated the past twenty-four hours.

I heard one say boastfully:

"I sent an angry woman running after her cap, which her husband had

thrown on the quicksands, and I let her sink to her death. The man

escaped--"

Here her sister-witches fell on her and beat her with switches,

because she had allowed a man to escape from her.

"Let me alone! Let me alone!" she shrieked. "I'll find him yet--he

won't get away from me a second time!"

Terror seized me anew. I shuddered, and pressed as closely as possible

into my mossy bed.

Then the hags began to arrange their plans for the next day. They

would send the "Bocksritter" to attack a caravan that was coming to

Antwerp.

I had heard a good deal about the Bocksritter, a mounted band of

ferocious robbers, who looked like satyrs, and were in league with

Satan. They were even more to be dreaded than the Haidemaken. When the

satyrs committed an extensive robbery, they took good care not to let

a single one of their victims escape alive--not even the infant in its

cradle. They left no one to witness against them; and, as they fled at

once to another country, it was impossible to learn anything about

them. Where they committed their depredations and the officers of the

law failed to find trace of them, it was concluded, and naturally,

that the Bocksritter were a myth, and the story of their depredations

an idle fable.

When the witches had decided their plans for the next day, the most

hideous of the hideous crew began to peer about her, and sniff the

air.

"I smell something!" she exclaimed; "something that doesn't belong

here."

"It smells like a human being," said a second, also sniffing around

her.

"Ha, if only it were the fellow who escaped me this morning!" with a

snort exclaimed a third. "It wouldn't take me long to prepare him for

a bridle"--she glanced as she concluded toward the pallid creatures

hanging on the trees.

I pressed still further into the moss and ferns; but the raven on my

shoulder began to flutter his wings, as if to attract the witches'

attention.

"Some one is hiding over yonder!" they cried as with one voice. "Come

on, sisters, let's tickle him!"

I heard them approach my hiding place, and in my despair I cried out:

"If God be with me, who can be against me!"

Hardly had the words left my lips when I received a blow on the ear

from the raven's wing that made it tingle, but the witches had

scattered in all directions, uttering frightful yells. When I lifted

my head to look after them, the wind sweeping over the moor was

driving before it the glimmering jack-o'-lanterns, which looked like a

fleeing troop of torch-bearing soldiers.

Just then the moon rose above the horizon. It was in the last quarter,

by which I knew it must be an hour after midnight.

I rose quickly, and prepared to set about performing the good deed I

had determined on; I would hasten to meet the caravan travelling to

Antwerp, and tell the leaders of the danger which threatened them from

the Bocksritter.

I cast from me every fear that prompted me to avoid my

fellow-creatures, and rejoiced that it was in my power to serve them a

good turn.

Only after I had proceeded a considerable distance on my errand of

mercy did it occur to me that I was unarmed, that I had nothing to

defend myself from the wolves which infest that region, but a knife

which I carried in a sheath at my side.

On my way, I came upon a slender yew tree--a straight beautiful stem,

and hard as iron. I cut it down with my knife, and soon had a cudgel

that would serve me well in an emergency. I could brain any wolf that

might take a fancy to satisfy his appetite with my carcass.

I found my own hunger growing wolfish toward dawn, and when I came to

the highway I looked about for an inn. I saw smoke rising from a

chimney not far distant, and made my way toward the house, which

proved to be one of entertainment for man and beast.

The inn-keeper, from whom I ordered some bread and cheese, was busy

preparing in a large kettle a savory stew of meat and cabbage. I asked

him to give me a dish of it, but he said he could not let me have any,

as it was for a crowd of people who were coming with a large caravan

that morning.

It was true then! I had really seen and heard the witches on the moor.

It was not a dream.

I had not long to wait. A tinkling of bells announced the approach of

the caravan while I was eating my breakfast.

There were vans and vehicles of all sorts, and all manner of traders;

lace merchants, carpet dealers, weavers, goldsmiths, on their way to

the fair at Antwerp. They had an escort of soldiers, with red and

yellow jackets, and armed with muskets and halberds; also several

dragoons with buff waistcoats.

Even the traders were armed with pistols and carbines. All were in

high good humor when they entered the inn. The leader of the caravan,

a pot-bellied thread dealer, ordered everything that was to be had

from kitchen and cellar, and produced from his knapsack a large ham

which he shared with some of his companions. Toward the close of the

meal, he noticed me, and kindly offered me the gnawed ham-bone.

"Thank you," said I. "In return for this bare bone I will do you a

kindness: Take my advice, and don't go any further today; or, if you

cannot delay until tomorrow, send a strongly armed troop in advance of

your caravan, and let one guard it in the rear, for you are in danger

of an attack from the Bocksritter, who will leave your bones as bare

as you have left this one you offer me!"

Then I repeated to the entire company what I had heard the witches

say. But, a curse rested on me! No one believed me; they laughed at

me, ridiculed my "witch-story," said I had dreamed it; and the

inn-keeper threatened to cast me out of his house for trying to bring

disrepute on it.

He averred that robbers were unknown in that neighborhood--there were

no such disreputable characters anywhere but in Brabant and Spain,

where they lurked in subterranean caverns like the marmots. Moreover,

who was afraid of robbers? Not he!

The caravan's valiant escort were delighted with the prospect of a

skirmish with the notorious Bocksritter--let them begin their attack!

Everyone of the rascals would soon find himself spitted on an honest

bayonet! There was so much boasting about the escort's prowess that at

last I concluded the safest way for me to get to Antwerp would be to

join the caravan; which I did.

All went well with us until late in the afternoon, when, as we were

passing through a pine forest, the robbers suddenly fell upon us.

They appeared so suddenly that one might almost believe they sprang

from the earth. They were masked; their clothing was of black buffalo

skin, laced with crimson cord. A black cock's feather adorned every

hat.

The first salvo from their muskets laid low at least half of our

company; then the villains fell on us with their swords and began a

frightful butchery. The leader of the caravan tumbled from his steed

before he received an injury, and had I not been in such haste to save

my skin, I should have stopped to say to him:

"Why don't you laugh at me now, Mynheer Potbelly?"

But it was no time for jesting. I ran swiftly toward the road, on the

further side of which was a dense growth of young firs, and beyond

them a stretch of undulating moorland, where, I imagined, I might

effect my escape. The long yew staff I carried served me well; by its

aid I could jump from hillock to hillock, and thus make swifter

progress than had I been on horseback.

"Let him run!" cried the robber captain, who was distinguished from

the rest by the crimson ostrich plume on his hat. "Let him go; we will

after him when we have finished here. He won't go very far."

I soon found he was right. I had not gone more than a hundred paces,

when I came to a mound from which there was neither retreat, nor

advance. It was made up of pebbles, sand and the gravelly soil of the

highway, from which a narrow path led to the mound. On all sides were

deep ditches filled with stagnant water, rank vines and noxious weeds;

so that no one could cross them without risk to life or limb.

I was caught!

Out on the highway, my companions of the caravan were being

exterminated to a man. None were allowed to escape.

When the work of carnage was completed there, the butchers turned

their attention to me.

I was alone, and defenseless on my islet. The demons came toward me,

laughing brutally, and in my despair I laughed too.

I said to myself: "I too will have some fun before I die!"

I loosed the leather belt from my waist, and made a sling of it.

Pebbles lay at my feet in plenty for my David's battle with Goliath.

The robbers soon found they had to do with a skilled bombardier; my

shots struck them and their horses with a force and regularity that

began to tell on their ranks. Many were thrown from their saddles with

skulls and ribs crushed.

The fun was not all on their side. Finding at last that I was not to

be taken alive, they concluded to use me as a target for their

muskets. One of them dismounted, lifted the musket from his shoulder,

thrust the bayonet into the ground, and rested the gun on it. After he

had arranged the priming in the pan, he called to me:

"Surrender, fellow, or I'll shoot you!"

"Try it," I called back, whirling the sling around my head. "Afterward

I'll have a shot at you."

"Do you throw first," he called again.

"No, thank you--you are the challenger; do you shoot first."

He fired, and missed me.

Then I hurled my stone; it struck him on the jaw, and broke off his

teeth.

Then a second, and a third, had a try at me without effect, but

everyone of my shots inflicted serious injury.

I was not an expert gunner for nothing; I knew that when one is the

target for a gunshot, one has but to watch closely when the match is

applied to the priming; if two flashes are seen, then the aim will be

faulty, the ball will fly wide of the mark, and it will not be

necessary to dodge. If but one flash is seen, then it will be well to

step to one side.

I had the advantage of the robbers; for, while they were preparing

their muskets to fire, I could hurl five or six stones, and not one of

them missed its mark. I hoped that one of the bullets whistling past

my ears might hit the raven on my shoulders; but he was too shrewd a

bird; he rose in the air, and I could hear the fluttering of his wings

above my head.

At last the robbers were obliged to acknowledge that I had the better

of them. Only one of them at a time could approach my islet over the

narrow path; or wade up to his horse's neck through the weed-entangled

morass, and that one would fall an easy prey to my sling.

"Stop!" now cried the wearer of the crimson plume. "This valiant

fellow's life must be spared. He will be a valuable addition to our

band. Let no one molest him--I will talk with him myself," saying

which, he got off his horse, and came toward me unarmed. "Have no

fear," he called to me. "You are a brave lad, and just the sort we

need. We kill only cowards. If you will join us you shall not rue it."

What could I do? I was a fugitive, excluded from all honest and

respectable society. I knew not where to turn. If I refused to join

the robbers, I should have to flee from country to country; I might as

well fly in company with others. The desire for revenge also prompted

me to accept the leader's offer. I would punish the people who had

ridiculed me, and condemned me because of a dream.

"Who are you?" I asked. "Are you Satan? I will not enter into a league

with him."

"No, I am not Satan; I am the leader of the Bocksritter. If you will

join us, you shall be corporal, and in time you may become the

leader."

"Thank you," said I, "but I think I should prefer to remain simply a

private. I have heard that the man who leagues himself with the

'satyrs,' binds his body to pain and death; and that he who becomes

their leader must bond his soul to the devil--and that I will never

do."

"Very well," he growled in response; "I regret to hear so brave a lad

decide thus. Then bind yourself only to pain and death."

Our compact was sealed, and I was given the horse and outfit of one of

the robbers I had killed in defending myself, and when the black mask

had been adjusted over my face, I felt that I had ceased to belong to

this world. I had no name--was nobody. I was a satyr, a foe to

society. Whatever I might do thenceforth, whatever crime I might

commit, no one would hear of it. The mask did not speak! The

Bocksritter committed their horrible deeds of pillage and murder in

the Netherlands; in Wurtemberg; along the Rhine; in Alsace and

Lorraine. In which of them, or in how many, I took part--who can say?

The mask does not speak!

Where we roved, what we did, who can say? Not I. Whether the satyrs

robbed churches, whether they destroyed caravans, burned cities,

desecrated convents and routed their inmates, plundered mines,

devastated estates--who can say?

Whether I assisted at all the crimes they committed, or at only

one--or whether I took part in none--who can say?

Was I the satyr that flung back into his burning house the usurious

Jew who had escaped from it? or was I the one that rescued a babe from

the flames and bore it on his saddle to the mother's arms?

Was I the satyr who placed the mine under the convent and exploded it?

or was I the one who warned the nuns in time for them to escape--who

can say? The mask does not speak.

"Well," observed the prince, "if you don't know; and the mask won't

tell, then this entire chapter of your confession must be eliminated

from the index."

Then he added further, in order to propitiate the chair: "Why, don't

you see, that the prisoner did not become a satyr of his own free

will? That he was forced to join the band under pain of death? If,

while he was with the robbers, he committed good deeds, or evil,

who--as he says himself--can say?"

"Aye, who indeed?" satirically responded the chair. "The mystery of

the whole affair is so clear that no one will be able to say whether

this valiant and pious Christian ought to be hanged, or this

conscienceless reprobate ought to be canonized!"

CHAPTER II.

WITCH-SABBATH.

The satyrs did not ask my name when I joined their band; but bestowed

one on me with the mask. They did not select their names from the

calendar, but chose the appellations of distinguished satanic

personages--as, for instance, there was a Belial; a Semiazaz; a

Lucifer; Mephistopholes; Belzebub; Azazel; Samiel; Dromo; Asmodens,

Dopziher, Flibbertigibbet, and so on.

The leader was Astaroth; me they called Belphegor, and my

"blood-comrade" Behoric.

The way a blood-comradeship was formed was this: The two men slashed

their right arms, and each drank of the blood gushing from the arm of

the other. This was an alliance of the first degree. A second

comradeship was formed by two men pricking their names into each

other's arms. Both ceremonies were performed only on witch-sabbath.

Great privileges were associated with blood-comradeship. The comrades

shared everything; they belonged to each other. Mine is thine, and

thine mine.

If one of them said: I want this, or that; the other had to give it to

him.

Whatever one commanded the other had to obey; and if one comrade

wanted to exchange bodies with the other, the latter was obliged to

consent and--

"But that is impossible," here interrupted the prince.

"No it isn't," spoke up the chair with like decision, "Johann Magus

proves conclusively that such exchanges have been known to take

place."

"Well, if it is possible," returned his highness, "I should like, if

your honor and I were 'blood-comrades,' to see how we would manage

such an exchange! There's room enough in my hide for three like you;

but how I could get into yours puzzles me!"

The prisoner proceeded to explain how it might be accomplished:

The entire body undergoes a change; the larger becomes smaller, and

_vice versa_; so that an exchange is easily effected. It needs only

the consent of both parties. All sorts of complications may arise from

such an exchange, though. Suppose I were a bridegroom, and my

blood-comrade should suggest an exchange of bodies; or, if I were on

my way to the gallows, and I should ask to exchange?

One day the leader of the band said to me:

"Belphegor, you must marry. You will not be a genuine satyr until you

are mated with a female member of our band."

"But where are the ladies? I have not yet seen any of them," I asked.

"I have a bride ready for you, my youngest sister Lilith. You shall

see her very soon."

I knew that a Lilith had tempted Father Adam to be untrue to Mother

Eve; if she and the captain's sister were one and the same, then she

must be considerably older than I. So I said:

"Does she wear a mask?"

"Certainly."

"Then I'll marry her!"

And so it was settled that I should become the leader's

brother-in-law.

In a subterranean cavern in the Black Forest our wedding was

celebrated. The entire company of satyrs were assembled to witness the

ceremony, and when the numerous torches were lighted, the cavern

looked like an immensely large church with this difference: everything

was inverted. The images of the saints stood on their heads; even the

crucifix in the chancel was upside down. The organ's base was against

the ceiling; the winged cherubs hovered overhead feet upward; the

bells swung with the clappers standing upright, and the choir chanted

the psalm backward. The priest who performed the ceremony had the most

peculiar legs; one was at least a foot shorter than the other; and

when an acolyte removed the mitre, the father's head came off with it.

Asafoetida instead of incense was burned in the censer.

My bride, whom I saw now for the first time, was robed in garments far

more costly and magnificent than any I had ever seen on my regal wife,

Sumro Begum. The fine clothes and gew-gaws concealed the contours of

her form, and a heavy gold-embroidered veil completely hid her face.

The priest made us repeat the marriage service backward; and when he

bade us inscribe our names in the register I took good care to look

closely at my wife's hands. They were encased in gloves, but I could

see that the finger nails were long and sharp--which did not augur

favorably for me should there arise any domestic differences between

us.

Her voice was youthful enough; she did not pronounce P like M, from

which I concluded that she still had teeth.

We left the church to the music of the organ. I led my bride on my arm

to the wagon waiting for us at the entrance to the cavern. It was a

large, heavy vehicle, roomy enough for a dozen persons, and harnessed

to it were six stag-beetles.

"How in the devil's name are these beetles going to drag such a heavy

vehicle?" I cried angrily. "Six horses couldn't move it."

"No, of course they couldn't!" assented my wife. "The axles need

greasing. Here, rub some of this ointment on them."

I obeyed, and greased the axles with the contents of an agate box

Lilith held in her hand. The entire wedding company now sprang on the

wagon, leaving only the driver's seat for me and my bride. Lilith took

the reins; the six beetles spread their wings, and off we went--the

heavy wagon with its heavier load flying as swiftly and lightly

through the air as thistle-down before a gale.

I thought it an excellent chance to get a sight of my bride's face

while both her hands were occupied with the reins, and quickly flung

back her veil.

Horror! the blood froze in my veins. They were the repulsive features

of the witch I had heard boast on the _kempenei_, that she would catch

me yet, and prepare me for the bridle.

Beyond a doubt she was Father Adam's temptress, for there were

wrinkles enough on her hideous face to represent the many centuries

which had passed since her little affair with the first man; while,

for the development of such a moustache from the delicate peach-down,

which makes a woman's lips so kissable, would require many a cycle of

time!

"I will jump from the wagon!" I cried in terror.

"Better put your arms around me to keep from falling out!" laughed my

terrible bride, and then I noticed for the first time that we were at

least five hundred feet above the earth.

To force me to adopt her suggestion, Lilith guided the beetles toward

the spire of the Cologne Cathedral, against which we struck with such

violence that to save myself from tumbling from my seat I had to fling

my arm around Lilith's waist, at which the entire company laughed

uproariously.

At last, to my great relief, we descended to the earth, and alighted

in a lonely forest, at another of the witches' meeting places, where

we were greeted by a weird company that assembled from all quarters of

the globe. They came through the air, riding on brooms, on chairs, on

benches--

"I don't believe a single word of the ridiculous story!" here

emphatically exclaimed the prince.

"I do," with equal emphasis affirmed the chair. "Johannes de Kembach

has described witches' journeys in almost the same language; and the

learned Majolus testifies to the flying wagon, which a servant in

mistake greased with witch ointment instead of axle grease. Moreover,

a similar tale is related by Torquemada, in his Hexameron--a

recognized authority on such matters."

The prisoner continued his confession:

The witches, as I said, came through the air accompanied by their

gallants; the demons rose, with their attendants, from the ground.

Among the latter were several of the celebrities from whom the satyrs

had borrowed the name they bore.

Semiazaz is the jester of the demon-crew, also the musician; and when

he plays, all the rest have to dance. His nose is a clarionet; he

plays it with his ears instead of his fingers with which he thrums on

the skeleton ribs of a cow, as on a harp; and he beats the drum with

his tail.

Behoric, my blood-comrade's god-father, is a huge fellow with an

elephant's trunk, with which he signs his name. That is why N. P.

(_nasu propria_) instead of M. P. (_manu propria_) is always appended

to this demon's signature. Behoric is also an elegant cavalier. He

wears his tail jauntily over one shoulder, and fans himself, when he

gets too warm, with the brush at the tip.

All of the demons, with a single exception, had wings like a bat. My

namesake alone differed in this respect from his fellows. His wings

were formed from the quills which have been used on earth to sign and

write documents worthy of the infernal regions.

There was the quill used by Pilate to sign the accusation against

Jesus Christ, and the release of Barabbas; the quill with which

Aretino indited his sonnets; the quill used by Queen Elizabeth to sign

Mary Stuart's death sentence; the quill with which Catharine de Medici

ordered the horrors of St. Bartholomew's night; the quill with which

Pope Leo X. wrote indulgences for money; the quill with which Pope

Innocent wrote the words: "_Sint ut sunt aut non sint_;" the quill

with which a distinguished Archbishop wrote his ambiguous answer:

"_Reginam occidere nolite timere bonum est_;" the quill that wrote at

Shylock's order the contract for a pound of human flesh; the quill

used by the mortal foe of the Foscari to write in his book "_La

Pagata_;" the quill with which King Philip signed the death warrant of

his son; the quill with which Tetzel scrawled his pamphlet attacking

Luther--and all the rest of the quills which have been used for such

like infamous deeds, were to be found in Belphegor's wings.

They were gigantic wings, too, much longer than those of roc; and

whenever Behoric needed a pen he would pluck from them the quill which

best suited the document he wanted to sign. After all the demons and

witches were assembled they began to plan evil deeds; and my bride

being the heroine of the hour, she had the right to offer the first

suggestion:

"There is an inn near the '_kempenei_,'" she began, "whose owner is in

league with the commandant of Bilsen to counterfeit money, and waylay

travellers. The counterfeit money is started into circulation by the

inn-keeper, who gives it to the caravans which stop at his house for

refreshment, in exchange for the genuine money they leave with him.

This publican has become repentant, and wants to atone for his

misdeeds. He confessed his criminal practices in a letter to the

governor, and told where the commandant fabricated the false coin.

This letter I managed to have conveyed to the commandant instead of to

the governor, and tonight, the former with his troops is going to pay

a visit to the inn. What say you, friends: how many souls shall we

send to hell?"

"All of them! All of them!" yelled the witches. "We will have some fun

this night! Ho, Lucifer! We await you!"

A terrific noise and rumbling was heard, and the ground opened, as

when an earthquake cleaves the crust of the globe. From the abyss rose

his infernal majesty, the king of evil, before whom the entire company

knelt--or rather squatted on their heels--

"What was he like?" queried the prince.

I cannot answer that question, your highness--and for a very good

reason, as will be learned further on. When Lucifer appeared all the

witches disrobed--

"Not to the buff?" again interrupted the prince.

Yes, your highness, and further. They took off their skins, too; and

when their hideous, wrinkled, warty hides were stripped off, they

were the most beautiful and fascinating fairies.

My Lilith was more transcendently lovely than any image of a goddess I

ever saw--she was perfect beauty idealized! Your highness will

understand now why I had no eyes for the prince of darkness. I had

lost command of my head--for one kiss from Lilith's ravishing lips I

would have bonded my soul to the devil.

Behoric, the real demon, for whom my blood-comrade was called, now

took a black book from his knapsack, and bade his namesake step

forward to be stigmatized. This was accomplished as follows: Behoric

plucked a quill from Belphegor's wings, and with the nib made tiny

punctures in my comrade's arm, thus forming letters. After making a

puncture in the flesh he would make a dot with the bloody quill-point

on a page in the black book. When his task was finished, the name

"Behoric" gleamed in red letters on my comrade's arm; and in letters

of flame on the page in the black book.

The demon then presented to his namesake a thaler, as christening

gift; after which, he turned to me, and said I should also receive a

thaler if I would allow him to register my name among those of the

chosen ones of hell.

Not for a dozen thalers would I have consented; but, for one kiss from

my fascinating Lilith, I would have done anything asked of me.

I extended my arm for the stigma; but my blood-comrade stepped up to

me and said:

"Comrade, do you see this thaler which I got in exchange for my soul?

I want you to give me your bride for it."

As I have told you, a blood-comrade dare not refuse the request made

by his fellow. I pocketed the thaler, placed Lilith's beautiful hand

in Behoric's palm, and saw them move away to join the dancers.

Behoric and Belphegor now seized my collar, and importuned me to have

my name recorded in the black book; but, with the loss of my bride,

all desire to join the demon ranks vanished.

In vain I made all sorts of excuses; they would not release me. At

last, I cried with simulated anger: "To the devil with you! Not a

single member of my family ever was known to sign a contract when

sober! I will eat and drink, then I'll talk business with you!"

Hardly had the last word crossed my lips, when before me stood a table

loaded with delicious viands, and rare wines. The wedding guests

seated themselves around the table, and proceeded to enjoy the repast,

but to my extreme disappointment both wines and food were without

taste. There was no substance to the former, no savor to the latter.

I began to quarrel with the demons:

"I can't eat this food," I exclaimed irritably. "I can't eat meat

without salt."

"Salt?" repeated one of them. "Where should we get salt? There is no

ocean in hell."

"But,"--I persisted--"I must have some salt--and if you have to fetch

me Lot's wife--"

"Don't scold so, little man," jestingly interrupted Lilith, pulling my

mustache. "Here--taste what is on my lips."

"I don't want honey--I want salt," I yelled, pushing her away.

"_Donner und Blitz!_ Give me salt, or I'll skin Lucifer!"

Now, a curse has the same effect on a demon that a prayer has on an

angel.

The younger devils rushed with all speed possible to Lucifer's palace

to fetch the only salt-cellar in the infernal regions; it is for the

sole use of the king of evil. This salt-cellar is a large mussel-shell

and looks like a christening bowl; it is filled with salt collected

from the tears shed by penitent sinners who delayed their repentance

until it was too late.

Two active little imps dragged the salt-cellar to my side.

"Here's salt at last--God be praised!" I exclaimed in a loud voice.

The next instant the table with its viands disappeared amid an

unearthly din, and rumbling as of thunder. The demons sank cursing

into the earth; the witches flew yelling into the air, and I fell

backward to the ground unconscious.

When I came to my senses, I was lying in a peat bog one hundred and

twenty miles from the Black Forest, in which I had celebrated my

marriage the night before with the beautiful Lilith.

"Either you are a madman, or you dreamed all this nonsense," in a

stern tone observed the prince, at the conclusion of Hugo's recital.

"I don't believe a single word of it."

"Well," commented the chair with less emphasis; "one thing is clear:

Among the many lies the rascal has entertained us with for weeks, this

last tale is the only one to bear a semblance to the truth. Similar

occurrences are related by Majolus, and Ghirlandinus; also by the

world-renowned Boccaccio, whose statements no one would think of

doubting. I say that, for once, the accused has adhered strictly to

the truth."

"Very good," decisively responded the prince. "Then, as he did not

sign the compact with Satan, he cannot be charged with _pactum

diabolicum implicitum_. Consequently, this indictment may also be

expunged from the record."

PART XII.

THE BREAD OF SHAME.

CHAPTER I.

THE MAGIC THALER.

The most convincing proof that everything occurred as I related it,

said the prisoner, continuing his confession the next day, was the

thaler I found in my pocket, when I came to my senses in the peat bog

near the "_kempenei_"--the thaler my blood-comrade gave me in exchange

for Lilith. I remembered what I had heard the witches say about the

commandant's visit to the inn-keeper and though I had suffered

terribly because I had tried once to perform a good deed at his house,

I decided to warn him of the danger which threatened him that night.

It was very late in the evening when I drew near the inn; but light

still gleamed from the windows, and sounds of merriment came from the

open door.

The inn-keeper, who was celebrating his marriage with his fifth wife,

recognized me at once. He was not in the least rejoiced to see me

again; quite the contrary:

"See!" he called to his friends inside the house, "this is the fellow

I told you about--the one who predicted what would happen to the

Antwerp caravan. Every word he said came true! He shall not come into

my house again. I dare say," he added, speaking to me from the

door-way, "I dare say you have another witch-story to tell? Don't you

dare to utter one word of your evil prophecies, you bird of evil

omen!"

The entire company seized cudgels and chairs and threatened to brain

me if I opened my lips.

"Just keep your temper, good people," I returned coolly, "I don't

intend to tell you what would be of great benefit to you--your

treatment of me is so unfriendly, I shall not say one word--I want

nothing from you but some bread and cheese, and a mug of beer: and a

bundle of straw in a corner where I may pass the night."

"Have you money to pay for all this?" demanded the inn-keeper.

"Certainly I have;" and I handed him my thaler.

"Ho-ho, fellow, this is a counterfeit," he sneered, tossing the coin

to the ceiling and letting it fall on the stone table.

The clear ringing sound was unmistakable--the thaler was genuine.

Angered by the insolence of the inn-keeper, I said in a tone, the

meaning of which he could not mistake:

"Look here, beer-seller; I want you to understand that _I_ am not a

circulator of counterfeit money!"

"What!" he roared in a fury; "do you dare to insinuate that _I_

circulate counterfeit money? For your impudence I shall keep this

thaler, and have it tested in the city tomorrow; and that you may not

run away in the meantime, I shall pen you in my hen-coop."

The entire company helped him to thrust me into the coop, which was so

small I could neither stand upright nor lie down in it.

And there I crouched, hungry and thirsty as I had come from the

witch-wedding.

Suddenly the early morning quiet was broken by a fanfare in front of

the inn. I heard horses' hoofs stamping the earth; loud shouts and

curses; and the clank of weapons--the commandant of Bilsen had arrived

with his troops.

In a trice the doors were broken open; the startled wedding guests

could neither escape nor defend themselves. The soldiers cut down all

that came in their way: men, women, old and young. From my hen-coop I

witnessed the slaughter, which I cannot describe, for I grow faint

with horror if I but think of it.

Not even a dog was left alive about the inn. When the work of butchery

was completed one of the soldiers took it into his head to peep into

the hen-coop. He saw me, broke the lock with his hatchet, and dragged

me out by the hair.

"Don't kill me, comrade," I begged, "I am only a poor soldier like

yourself. The inn people took all my money, and penned me in the

coop--you can see for yourself that I am not one of them, but a

foot-sore wanderer."

"Did they take all your money?" asked the trooper.

"I had only a thaler; the inn-keeper said it was counterfeit, and kept

it."

"Let's see if you're telling the truth," said the fellow, beginning to

search about my clothes.

"Ha! What's this?" he exclaimed suddenly, holding up the thaler he had

found in one of my pockets. "I thought you were lying, you rascal," he

added, giving me a blow with his fist, and thrusting my thaler into

his pocket.

At that moment another trooper approached, and said something to the

first, about not making 'way with me--that the French recruiting

officers would give ten thalers for such a sturdy chap. Then he too

inquired if I had any money.

I swore I had none; but he was as incredulous as his comrade, and also

searched my pockets. In one of them he found the thaler which had

returned to my possession; and he too gave me a blow for telling him a

lie.

Then came a third trooper with the same inquiry: "Have you money?"

I had not yet got used to having the thaler return to me, so I said:

"No, my friend, I haven't another penny"--and he didn't find anything

in my pockets; but when, at his command, I drew off my boots, the

thaler fell out of one of them.

From this trooper also I received a vigorous blow for lying. When the

fourth, fifth, and sixth troopers followed with the same demand for

money, I replied:

"Yes, friend, I think I have a thaler somewhere about my clothes--just

search me and maybe you'll find it."

And every one of them found the thaler--once it was found tucked under

the collar of my coat; another time in the lining; a third time in my

neck-ruff.

My fun came afterward, when the troopers discovered they were minus

the thaler they had taken from me. They accused one another of

stealing, which led to a scuffle and blows.

I was sold for ten thalers to the Frenchmen, who, when they stripped

me to put me into uniform, also searched my clothes. They found

nothing; but when they were shearing my hair the thaler suddenly

dropped to the floor.

The sergeant pounced on it, exclaiming:

"A thaler profit, comrades!--we'll have a drink at once!"

Beer was ordered from the inn, in which they were quartered; and while

they were drinking, the sergeant turned to me and said:

"Are you thirsty lad? You are? Very well, then, go into the yard, lift

your face to the clouds, and open your mouth wide--it's raining

heavily! When you have quenched your thirst from the clouds, stand

guard at the gate."

I had to obey, and stand guard; but I did not quench my thirst with

rain water.

After a while I heard loud voices in the bar-room. The inn-keeper's

wife was accusing the soldiers of stealing the thaler given to her by

the sergeant for the beer. She said it had been taken from the drawer,

while she was attending to her work in the kitchen.

"Which of you fellows stole the thaler?" angrily demanded the

sergeant.

No one answered; whereupon the sergeant proceeded to flog the men, one

after the other, with a bunch of hazel-switches. But the thaler was

not found.

Then the five soldiers seized the sergeant, and paid back what he had

loaned them; as each had received six blows, the number delivered to

him in payment amounted to thirty.

"Fine discipline!" I said to myself. "Fine discipline, where the

sergeant flogs his men, and the men flog the sergeant in turn! It's a

fine service I've got into, I must say."

I thrust my hands into the pockets of my wide trunk-hose, and what do

you suppose I found in one of them? The dangerous thaler! It had not

occurred to the Frenchmen to search me!

"I don't see how such a thing could happen," in a puzzled tone,

observed the prince.

"There is no mystery about it," returned the chair. "The coin was a

'breeding-thaler'--as it is called. A breeding-thaler will return to

the pocket of its owner, no matter how often he may spend it. If,

however, he bestows it as a gift on any one, it will not return to

him; but to the person to whom he has given it."

"Ah, had I only known that sooner!" in a tone of deep regret, murmured

the delinquent.

CHAPTER II.

THE HUSBAND OF THE WIFE OF ANOTHER MAN.

The breeding-thaler was not of much use to me, for I was in a region

where there was nothing I cared to purchase.

I was with the French camp in front of the city of Lille, where I had

been assigned to the artillery, because I had admitted that I knew

something about the management of cannon.

It was a miserable existence: crouched day and night in the trenches;

or, on the lookout for the grenades, which were hurled into our camp

from the city we were besieging.

But I could have endured all the hardships if I had had enough to eat.

The French general would not allow any vivandieres with spiritous

liquors to enter the battery; the gunners, he said, must remain sober;

and that they might not want to drink, they were given very little to

eat, as eating promotes thirst. If I sent a sapper with a jug to the

canteen for beer, he would invariably return with the empty jug, and

swear he had lost the thaler I had given him on the way--which was

true; for, no matter how often I tried it, the coin would be back in

my pocket before the messenger had been gone five minutes. The

consequence was I was in a continual state of hunger and thirst.

The officers, on the contrary, had plenty to eat and drink. They were

always feasting and making merry in their tents.

My captain had in camp with him a companion of the gentler sex, who

was not his wife, nor was she his sister, daughter, or mother--nor yet

his grand-mother. This lady would sometimes accompany him on his tours

of inspection, riding by his side, in a long silk habit, with a plumed

cap on her head. She was a beautiful creature.

One day the general, who had got tired seeing so many women about,

gave orders that every one not having a legal husband among his troops

should leave the camp within twenty-four hours. That day my captain

came to me, and after making believe he was come on business about the

guns, said: "By the way, gunner, you look to me like a chap who was

used to something better than loading cannon and sleeping on the

ground--"

"And gnawing dry bread," I ventured to append.

He laughed, and said again:

"I've half a mind to appoint you my adjutant--how would that suit

you?"

"I shouldn't object."

"Will you do me a small favor in return?"

"Whatever I can, sir."

"I should want you to keep a well-supplied table, and invite me to

dine and sup. I, of course, will pay all expenses."

"That doesn't sound like a very hard task, sir," I replied.

"It isn't--only there's a condition goes with it. In order to

entertain properly an officer of my rank, there will have to be a lady

to do the honors of the table."

"But, where can I get the lady, sir?"

"I'll find one for you--the lady you have seen riding with me. She has

long possessed my deepest respect."

I scratched my head back of the right ear:

"If you respect the lady so much, sir, why don't you marry her?"

"Stupid fellow!--because I already have a wife."

"Look here, sir," I said after a moment's deliberation, "I have eaten

all sorts of ammunition bread during my experience as a soldier; I

have cheated and stolen; but I have never occupied a position so low

as the one you want me to accept."

"But, my lad, consider the advantages: Plenty to eat, and drink, and

nothing to do--that is one alternative; the other: in the trenches

night and day, bread and water! I will give you half an hour to think

it over; if you refuse I shall offer the position to some one

else--some one who is not so squeamish as you."

That was a long half hour!

I thought over what I had to lose if I accepted the position: Honor? I

had very little left; but, if I had squandered it I had done so with

my sword and musket, idled it away in a hundred ways--though never in

the despicable manner suggested to me by my captain.

But I had been persecuted and cursed for trying to do good--what use

to try again? Besides, I hadn't anything to lose: I might as well eat

and drink away the little self-respect and honor I still possessed.

At the end of the half hour, the captain came for my decision. I said:

"I accept your offer, sir--here's my hand on it!"

I held out my hand, and so did he; but, before they came together,

each of us drew back--each prompted by the same thought: "This

fellow's hand is more soiled than mine--I cannot take it!"

But, I married the donna that afternoon, bestowing on her one of my

numerous names; and after the chaplain of the regiment had performed

the ceremony, this thought involuntarily suggested itself to me:

"Hugo, my lad, you are not the only one cheated in this business."

From that hour it went well with my body--and luckily one's stomach

does not possess a conscience! In addition to a well-filled larder and

cellar, I had a title--I was called "adjutant."

I saw my bride only at table; how frequently the captain visited my

quarters I cannot say. When he was obliged to absent himself on duty

connected with the campaign, he would always try to surprise her by an

unexpected return.

One day she was more than surprised when her lover was brought back to

camp minus his head; he had had the misfortune to get within range of

a cannon shot from the enemy's lines.

My situation now became anything but agreeable. I ceased to be an

adjutant, but I was still the husband of my wife--a role I found it

exceedingly difficult to continue. The woman had been accustomed to

every luxury; but, as money does not fall from the sky, I found great

difficulty in providing her with the bare necessities of life. One

after another of the costly ornaments she had received from the

captain were disposed of to supply her numerous demands, until all

were gone. Then she began to quarrel with me and accused me with

trying to starve her.

I bethought me of the magic coin I had carried in my pocket all this

time, merely as a souvenir of the demon-assembly in the Black Forest.

I said to it: "Now, thaler, show what you can do!" and gave it to the

woman to buy what was necessary.

I did not know then that if a breeding-thaler were given away it would

not return; and when I placed it in the woman's hand I believed, of

course, I should find it again in a few minutes in my pocket.

But I never saw the thaler again!

When, at the expiration of several hours, it did not return to me, I

consoled myself with thinking it must be in the woman's pocket. But it

had not returned to her--she had given it to an ensign who had been an

admirer of hers for a long time. So, the magic thaler was gone for

good, and I had nothing but the woman I had married to please my

captain--and he was dead!

What was to be done? Should I run away from my wife, and my

flag?--become a two-fold deserter? I pondered over this question for

three days; for three long days I endured the taunts of my wife, and

the ridicule of my comrades, and on the third I fled--

"I should have run away the first day!" emphatically exclaimed the

prince, giving the table a thump with his fist.

The mayor's eye twinkled as he added:

"Consequently, desertion may also be stricken from the register!"

(_Quod dixi dixi._)

PART XIII.

THE EXCHANGE OF BODIES.

CHAPTER I.

THE QUACK DOCTOR.

"Well, you godless reprobate," began the mayor, addressing the

prisoner, when the court was assembled the next day for a further

hearing of the remarkable case, "you have come to the last of your

crimes; you have illustrated how the seven mortal sins may be trebled,

and how the perpetrator may clear himself of the entire twenty-one, if

he possesses a fluent tongue. With your entertaining fables you have

understood how to extend the time of your trial five months and two

weeks, believing, no doubt, that the Frenchmen would in the meantime

seize the fortress and save you from the gallows. But that has not

come to pass. Only one more indictment remains on your list--Treason.

I don't believe you will be able to talk yourself out of that! But we

will now hear you make the attempt."

The prisoner bowed and summoned to his aid the muse, by whose help he

had wrested from death one day after another, to assist him win yet

another twenty-four hours in God's beautiful world.

As the honorable gentlemen of the court are aware, I entered into

service here, after I deserted from the French camp at Lille--and I

have tried to do my duty faithfully, as becomes a good soldier--

"I must say"--interrupted the prince with considerable stress--"you

were the best gunner in my artillery."

After he had thanked his highness for the compliment, the prisoner

resumed:

One day, while I was deeply absorbed in my technical studies, a quack

doctor was brought to my quarters. He had announced that he was my

messenger to the camp of the enemy, and that he had returned with some

important information for me.

He was an imposter; I had not employed any one to perform such errands

for me. I ordered the fellow to be brought before me. He was of low,

but vigorous stature, with a crafty countenance, and cunning leer. He

had with him an entire apothecary's outfit: a chest filled with all

sorts of oils, extracts, unguents, and pills.

The fellow laughed in my face and said in an impudent tone:

"Well, comrade, don't you know me?".

"No; I have never before seen your ugly phiz," I replied, a trifle

angrily.

"Nor have I _seen_ yours; but I know you for all that--Belphegor."

I was startled. "You are Behoric?" I exclaimed. I sent the orderly

from the room, then asked:

"How did you manage to find me? You never saw me without a mask."

"I will tell you: I have two magic rings; one I wear on the little

finger of my right hand; the other on the little finger of my left

hand, both with the setting turned inward. If I say to the rings: 'I

want to find my blood-comrade, Belphegor,' one of them turns around on

my finger and the setting shows me the way I must go. If I arrive at a

point where two roads meet, the other ring shows me which to take.

That is how I came here."

The explanation did not altogether satisfy me--the fellow's face made

me doubt the truth of it; but I could not deny that I was his

blood-comrade. Besides, I entertained a sort of affection for him; we

had been good comrades, and had not drank each other's blood for

nothing.

"Well," said I, after deliberating a moment, "what brings you

here?--here, where nothing is to be got but fiery bullets."

"I came to ask you to exchange bodies."

"Why do you wish to exchange?"

"The leader has ordered it."

"Do you still belong to the satyrs?"

"Yes--and so do you. It is not a disease from which one can recover;

nor an office one may resign. It is not a garment one may cast aside;

nor a wife one may divorce. In a word, once a satyr, always a satyr."

"I pledged only my body, not my soul," I interrupted.

"And it isn't your soul I want, comrade; only your body. You may carry

your soul in my body, and go whithersoever it may please you to

wander."

"But, what shall I do while in your body?"

"You will do what I should do: sell theriac and arsenic; _lapis

nephriticus_, _nostra paracelsi_, apoponax, and salamander

ointment--for all of which you will receive good, hard coin from the

credulous fools who will be your customers. It is the easiest life in

the world!"

"But I don't know the least thing about your medicaments, and couldn't

tell what any of them would heal or cure."

"Oh, you need not trouble your head about that! Just take a look into

this chest. See--here in the different compartments are arranged

various bottles, vials and boxes, with the names of their contents

above them. These tiny letters under each one, which cannot be read

without the aid of a magnifying glass, are the names of the diseases

for which the contents of the bottles, vials, and boxes are infallible

remedies. When a patient applies to you, listen what he has to say;

then, diagnose the disease, consult your microscopic directions, and

dose him according to his ability to pay."

"And how long will I have to wear your hideous form and let you occupy

my stately proportions?" I asked.

"Until we both desire to exchange again. I will give you one of my

magic rings and I'll keep the other. If you turn the ring on your

finger at the same moment I turn mine, then the exchange will be

effected, no matter how far apart our bodies may be. Now, take this

ring, and summon your orderly. Bid him escort me to the gate, and give

me a glass of brandy before he lets me depart."

I obeyed these directions and, after a few minutes, the burning in my

throat convinced me that I was in Behoric's squat body; that he

occupied my taller shell I found very shortly.

Hardly had the exchange taken place, when a bombardier came to

announce that the second cannon in the third battery had burst,

whereupon Behoric in my body answered:

"Boil some glue, and stick the pieces together; then wind some stout

twine around the cannon to prevent it from bursting again."

At these directions the bombardier and the orderly exchanged glances

and snickered.

"This won't do at all," I said to myself, so I whispered to my figure:

"Behoric, just change back again for a second, will you?"

Each turned the ring on his finger, and I was again I.

"Take the broken cannon to the arsenal," I said to the grinning

bombardier, "and put in its place one of the bronze pieces from

chamber number IV. Why do you laugh, idiot?"

Then Behoric and I exchanged again, and I found myself trudging in his

body down the hill from the fortress, with the medicine chest on my

back. I was obliged to pass through the beleaguerer's camp, and,

naturally, was commanded to halt. When they spoke to me I could not

understand them--I, who am perfectly familiar with French, Latin,

English, Polish, Russian, Turkish, Indian, Dutch--I, with Behoric's

untutored ears, and with his inability to converse in any language but

the German, could not understand a word the Frenchmen said to me. The

colonel was obliged to send for an interpreter.

"Have you been inside the fortress?" I was asked.

"I have."

"Did you deliver to the chief gunner what I sent with you?"

"I did."

"Will he do what I ask?"

"He will."

Here, to my great surprise--for I had done nothing to earn it--the

colonel pressed fifty thalers into my palm, and motioned me to pass on

my way.

I wandered out into the world, trudged from city to city, selling the

contents of my chest, until I came to Madgeburg, where, having

accumulated a considerable sum of money, I bought a horse and wagon. I

could now travel about with greater convenience and speed than when

forced to carry the heavy medicine-chest on my back. I also hired an

assistant to blow a trumpet when I wanted to collect a crowd around my

wagon.

I became so well satisfied with the pleasant life I now led, no

thought of changing back to my own body ever occurred to me. My

blood-comrade might keep it, and continue to fire cannon from

Ehrenbreitstein--I was quite content with my quack-doctoring, and with

his anatomy.

And a wonderfully shrewd and sensible little anatomy it was! My own

did not contain a tenth part the sense that was in his. Therefore, I

considered it my duty to bestow the best of care on it. I fattened it

with the same attention to details I would have observed had it been

my own and I was amply able to supply it with everything that was

necessary to increase its bulk.

I had all the money I wanted. The regular doctors became impoverished;

for, to me alone would the people apply for help--and I must say the

remedies I sold accomplished wonders.

One day, however, a misfortune occurred to me. I was selling my

miracle-cures in the market place in Madgeburg as fast as I and my

assistant could hand them out, when some one--a wretch hired by the

envious doctors, no doubt--thrust a piece of burning sponge into the

ear of my horse. You may guess the result.

The horse ran away, the wagon was upset, and my medicaments scattered

in all directions.

My neck was not broken, but what happened was almost as bad. When I

came to replace the medicaments in the chest, I found that I could not

remember just where each bottle, vial, and box properly belonged.

However, I made a guess of it, and put them back where I thought they

ought to be. I made a good many mistakes, though, judging by some of

the very peculiar effects the remedies produced after the accident.

The syndic, whose right leg was shorter than the left, sent for me to

remedy the defect. I was a little fuddled from having emptied a bottle

of good French wine just before I quitted my lodgings; and, instead of

rubbing the elongating ointment on the shorter limb, I applied it to

the longer one; the consequence of which was: the longer leg increased

to such a length that the worthy syndic, when he wanted to sit down,

had to perch himself on the buffet, and would bump his head against

the ceiling every step he took. He threatened to shoot me.

A second mischance occurred when I was called to attend the president

of the Board of Trade. He had the gout in both feet and could not move

without crutches. I had a certain remedy for that fell disease, a

remedy so powerful that only a very small portion, about the size of a

pea, was required to embrocate an afflicted member. Thinking to hasten

the cure, I applied half the contents of a box to each foot, which

made the old gentleman so active and nimble, he was forced, for a

time, to take the position of runner for the Elector of Brandenburg,

because he could not keep his feet still; nor could he sit anywhere

but at a loom, where he might stamp his feet continually; and at

night, when he wanted to go to sleep he had to be bound to a

tread-mill.

Two other wonderfully efficacious remedies were: a wash to force a

luxuriant crop of curling hair to grow on a bald head; the other, if

applied to toothless jaws, would cause new teeth to appear.

The result of getting these two remedies misplaced was: the tooth-wash

was used on the bald head of a man; and the hair-restorative on the

toothless jaws of a woman. Instead of hair, two beautiful horns

appeared on the man's head; while the woman grew a mustache that would

have roused the envy of a drum-major.

But these cases were nothing compared to what happened to the wife of

the chief justice. She was afflicted with severe paroxysms of

hiccoughing, and I was summoned to relieve her. There was in my chest

a remedy for such an attack; but, having been misplaced, I got hold of

the wrong box, and administered to the sufferer a dose of pills

intended to force obstinate hens to produce eggs. In less than six

weeks that unfortunate lady gave birth to seven living children--

"I don't believe it! I don't believe a single word of it!" interrupted

the prince, who had almost burst his belt with laughing. "You are

asking too much if you expect us to credit such outrageous fables."

Here the chair remarked with great seriousness: "Beg pardon, your

highness: but there are authentic records of similar cases. In

Hungary, the wife of a Count Miczbanus gave birth at one time to

seven living sons, all of whom lived to grow up."

"She certainly took some of the prisoner's hen pills," laughingly

responded his highness.

The prisoner continued:

Naturally mistakes of this sort roused the animosity of the patients;

but, none were so enraged as was the burgomaster. His case, indeed,

capped the climax! I had two miraculous cures: one would cause to

disappear from the human nose pimples, warts and all other disfiguring

excrescences; the other would transform silver into gold.

The burgomaster possessed a large silver snuff-box and an exceedingly

prominent and highly-colored nose which was covered with unsightly

pimples. He sent for me in secret and bade me test the efficacy of the

two miracle-cures on his snuff-box and on his nose.

Like some of the other remedies, these two had also changed places, in

consequence of which, the burgomaster's nose turned to gold, while the

snuff-box vanished as if from the face of the earth.

This cure so amused the prince he could hardly gasp:

"Enough--enough!--no more today! We will hear the rest tomorrow--I am

faint with laughing."

The court adjourned until the following day, when the prisoner resumed

his confession:

As might be expected, this last mistake of mine caused a dispute to

arise. The burgomaster, however, was not so angry because his nose had

changed to gold; but nothing would console him for the loss of his

snuff-box. He actually accused me of stealing it!

Had the worthy man been versed in the science of chemistry, he would

have known that there are substances which absorb, and consume, each

other. For instance: _argentum vivum_ will dissipate _aurum_; and

_aqua fortis_ will consume silver as will a starving cow barley. This

is called _occulta qualitas_.

The citizens of Madgeburg, however, are not clever enough to

comprehend matters so transcendental in character. I was summoned to

appear before the mayor, who, being father-in-law to a doctor,

sentenced me, out of spite, to be flogged in public.

This did not suit me at all, so I said to myself: "Now, friend

Behoric, I have been content to occupy your carcass without murmuring,

so long as nothing more was required of me than to stuff it with

liver-pasties and oysters; but, when it comes to having the hide

tickled with a cat-o'-nine tails, then you had better come back into

it!"

I was already bound to the pillory and the executioner had bared my

back, revealing the marks of former scourging--of which I could

remember nothing as they were on Behoric's body.

When the executioner saw that the whip would not be new to my

blood-comrade's hide, he sent for a heavier scourge, the ends of which

terminated with barbed nails.

"Now, Behoric," I said, "you must take this flogging yourself."

My hands being bound together, I had no difficulty turning the ring on

my little finger. I had given it but one turn, when, to my great joy,

I found myself in my own body, in my casemate in Ehrenbreitstein

fortress; and before me stood his honor, here, with an empty fire-ball

in one hand; in the other, what he called the "proofs of my treason."

I guessed at once what my blood-comrade had been doing, what crime he

had committed while occupying my body.

The Frenchmen, who are leagued with the Bocksritter, had sent Behoric

to the fortress, to take my place, and inform them what was going on

in here. When he found that his crime had been discovered by his

honor, the mayor, he said to himself: "It is time for Belphegor to

return to his body;" and, as it happened, he turned his ring at the

same moment I turned the one on my finger.

I can imagine his consternation when he found himself in the pillory

in Madgeburg, with his back bared for the scourge; and I have to laugh

every time I think of the grimaces he must have made when the barbed

nails cut into his scarred hide!

This, your highness, and honorable gentlemen of the court, is the

strictly veracious history of my last capital crime.

PART XIV.

THE WHITE DOVE.

The decision of the court at the conclusion of the long trial was as

follows:

"Whereas: After hearing all the evidence, it has been found impossible

to establish fully the exact nature of twenty-one of the twenty-two

crimes, for which the prisoner has been indicted, the court has

decided to pronounce him guilty of only the twenty-second and last on

the register--'Treason.'

"But, as the prisoner avers that this transgression was committed by

his blood-comrade, who occupied his, the prisoner's, body at the time

the crime was committed; and that his, the prisoner's, _mind_ was not

cognizant of the blood-comrade's intentions when the exchange of

bodies was effected, the court has decided to acquit the prisoner's

mind and commend it to the mercy of God; and, that it may serve as a

lesson to all miscreants who contemplate a similar crime, to sentence

the body to death by a merciful shot in the back of the head."

The prisoner thanked the court for its clemency and assured the

honorable gentlemen that he had no desire to postpone the execution of

the just sentence.

When he was brought to the place of execution he removed his coat and

hat, then requested, as a last favor, that his hands might be left

free, and not bound behind his back, as he wished to clasp them on his

breast in prayer.

The request was granted. He knelt, and in an audible tone repeated the

Lord's Prayer. Then he turned toward the musketeers, who were waiting

matches in readiness above the priming-pans, and said earnestly:

"Comrades, I beg you, when you shoot me, try also to kill the raven

which is fluttering on my shoulder"--he glanced furtively toward his

shoulder and added joyfully: "No! No! it is not the raven--it is my

white dove--my precious white dove! She has come to bear my soul to

the land wherein she now dwells! My good angel!--My Madus--my only

love!"

Twelve musket shots rang out on the silent air, and the white dove

soared away with the released soul.

FINIS.)

Transcriber's Note: The original edition did not contain a table of

contents. A table of contents has been created for this electronic

edition.

The use of quotation marks in the original text was irregular and not

always consistent. Some words, especially proper names, were also

spelled inconsistently. Except as noted below, spelling and

punctuation have been left as they originally appeared.

On the title page, "MAURUS JOKAI" was changed to "MAURUS JOKAI".

In Part I, Chapter I, a single-quote (') was changed to a double-quote

(") after "It would make the carrying on a war an easy matter."

In Part I, Chapter II, "Prisoners: I was a member of a band of

robbers" was changed to "Prisoner: I was a member of a band of

robbers", and a missing quotation mark was added after "diabolicum

implicitum".

In Part II, Chapter I, quotation marks were added after "Kto tam?

Stoj!" and "not a man of your word", "you shall have this koltuk-denigenegi"

was changed to "you shall have this koltuk-dengenegi", and "Incendarii

ambitiosi comburantur" was changed to "Incendiarii ambitiosi

comburantur".

In Part II, Chapter II, "cities, castles, and monastaries" was changed

to "cities, castles, and monasteries", and a quotation mark was added

after "not the other one!"

In Part III, Chapter I, a quotation mark was added after "what your

crutch contains!", "I don't wan't brandy" was changed to "I don't want

brandy", and a quotation mark after "the tongue in which demons

spake--" was removed.

In Part IV, Chapter I, a quotation mark was added before "This wine,

Malchus", a quotation mark was added after "homicidium", "Qui bene

distinquet" was changed to "Qui bene distinguit", and "deeply incensed

by the impiety of the donnenritter" was changed to "deeply incensed by

the impiety of the dornenritter".

In Part V, Chapter II, "Que bene distinguit" was changed to "Qui bene

distinguit", a period and quotation mark were added after "the

two-thousand you owe me", quotation marks were removed after "seal the

bargain with a kiss" and "bought with the money her son had given

her", and "the same geneological tree" was changed to "the same

genealogical tree".

In Part VI, Chapter I, "worth-nothing, insignificent cipher" was

changed to "worth-nothing, insignificant cipher", and a missing period

was added after "in every city in the land".

In Part VII, Chapter I, a quotation mark was removed after

"respectable God-fearing man".

In Part VIII, Chapter III, "mantained direct communication" was

changed to "maintained direct communication".

In Part IX, Chapter I, a quotation mark before "During a calm" was

removed, and "how is it posible that such a storm" was changed to "how

is it possible that such a storm".

In Part X, Chapter II, "all were against, me" was changed to "all were

against me".

In Part XI, Chapter I, "cast from me every fear" was changed to "I

cast from me every fear", and "David's battle with Goliah" was changed

to "David's battle with Goliath".

In Part XI, Chapter II, "Sint ut sunt aut nou sint" was changed to

"Sint ut sunt aut non sint".

In Part XIII, Chapter I, a single quote (') was changed to a double

quote (") before "Why do you wish to exchange?" and "Do you still

belong to the satyrs?", and a quotation mark was added before "The

leader has ordered it" and after "such outrageous fables".