so low as that of _thirty pounds a year_; for, besides her wages, board
and lodging, there must be a _fire_ solely for her; or she must sit with
the husband and wife, hear every word that passes between them, and
between them and their friends; which will, of course, greatly add to
the pleasures of their fire-side! To keep her tongue still would be
impossible, and, indeed, unreasonable; and if, as may frequently happen,
she be prettier than the wife, she will know how to give the suitable
interpretation to the looks which, to a next to a certainty, she will
occasionally get from him, whom, as it were in mockery, she calls by the
name of '_master_.' This is almost downright bigamy; but this can never
do; and, therefore, she must have a _fire to herself_. Besides the blaze
of coals, however, there is another sort of _flame_ that she will
inevitably covet. She will by no means be sparing of the coals; but,
well fed and well lodged, as _she_ will be, whatever you may be, she
will naturally sigh for the fire of love, for which she carries in her
bosom a match always ready prepared. In plain language, you have a man
to keep, a part, at least, of every week; and the leg of lamb, which
might have lasted you and your wife for three days, will, by this
gentleman's sighs, be borne away in one. Shut the door against this
intruder; out she goes herself; and, if she go empty-handed, she is no
true Christian, or, at least, will not be looked upon as such by the
charitable friend at whose house she meets the longing soul, dying
partly with love and partly with hunger.
157. The cost, altogether, is nearer fifty pounds a year than thirty.
How many thousands of tradesmen and clerks, and the like, who might have
passed through life without a single embarrassment, have lived in
continual trouble and fear, and found a premature grave, from this very
cause, and this cause alone! When I, on my return from America, in 1800,
lived a short time in Saint James's Street, following my habit of early
rising, I used to see the servant maids, at almost every house,
dispensing charity at the expense of their masters, long before they,
good men, opened their eyes, who thus did deeds of benevolence, not only
without boasting of them, but without knowing of them. Meat, bread,
cheese, butter, coals, candles; all came with equal freedom from these
liberal hands. I have observed the same, in my early walks and rides, in
every part of this great place and its environs. Where there is _one_
servant it is worse than where there are _two_ or more; for, happily for
their employers, they do not always agree. So that the oppression is
most heavy on those who are the least able to bear it: and particularly
on _clerk_, and such like people, whose wives seem to think, that,
because the husband's work is of a genteel description, they ought to
live the life of _ladies_. Poor fellows! their work is not hard and
rough, to be sure; but, it is _work_, and work for many hours too, and
painful enough; and as to their income, it scarcely exceeds, on an
average, the double, at any rate, of that of a journeyman carpenter,
bricklayer, or tailor.
158. Besides, the man and wife will live on cheaper diet and drink than
a servant will live. Thousands, who would never have had beer in their
house, have it for the servant, who will not live without it. However
frugal your wife, her frugality is of little use, if she have one of
these inmates to provide for. Many a hundred thousand times has it
happened that the butcher and the butter-man have been applied to solely
because there was a servant to satisfy. You cannot, with this clog
everlastingly attached to you, be frugal, if you would: you can save
nothing against the days of expense, which are, however, pretty sure to
come. And why should you bring into your house a trouble like this; an
absolute annoyance; a something for your wife to watch, to be a
constraint upon her, to thwart her in her best intentions, to make her
uneasy, and to sour her temper? Why should you do this foolish thing?
Merely to comply with corrupt fashion; merely from false shame, and
false and contemptible pride? If a young man were, on his marriage, to
find any difficulty in setting this ruinous fashion at defiance, a very
good way would be to count down to his wife, at the end of every week,
the amount of the expense of a servant for that week, and request her to
deposit it in her drawer. In a short time she would find the sum so
large, that she would be frightened at the thoughts of a servant; and
would never dream of one again, except in case of absolute necessity,
and then for as short a time as possible.
159. But the wife may not be _able_ to do all the work to be done in the
house. Not _able_! A young woman not able to cook and wash, and mend and
make, and clean the house and make the bed for one young man and
herself, and that young man her husband too, who is quite willing (if he
be worth a straw) to put up with cold dinner, or with a crust; to get up
and light her fire; to do any thing that the mind can suggest to spare
her labour, and to conduce to her convenience! Not _able_ to do this?
Then, if she brought no fortune, and he had none, she ought not to have
been _able to marry_: and, let me tell you, young man, a _small fortune_
would not put a servant-keeping wife upon an equality with one who
required no such inmate.
160. If, indeed, the work of a house were _harder_ than a young woman
could perform without pain, or great fatigue; if it had a tendency to
impair her health or deface her beauty; then you might hesitate: but, it
is not too hard, and it tends to preserve health, to keep the spirits
buoyant, and, of course, to preserve beauty. You often hear girls, while
scrubbing or washing, singing till they are out of breath; but never
while they are at what they call _working_ at the needle. The American
wives are most exemplary in this respect. They have none of that false
pride, which prevents thousands in England from doing that which
interest, reason, and even their own inclination would prompt them to
do. They work, not from necessity; not from compulsion of any sort; for
their husbands are the most indulgent in the whole world. In the towns
they go to the market, and cheerfully carry home the result: in the
country, they not only do the work in the house, but extend their
labours to the garden, plant and weed and hoe, and gather and preserve
the fruits and the herbs; and this, too, in a climate far from being so
favourable to labour as that of England; and they are amply repaid for
these by those gratifications which their excellent economy enables
their husbands to bestow upon them, and which it is their universal
habit to do with a liberal hand.
161. But did I _practise_ what I am here preaching? Aye, and to the full
extent. Till I had a second child, no servant ever entered my house,
though well able to keep one; and never, in my whole life, did I live in
a house so clean, in such trim order, and never have I eaten or drunk,
or slept or dressed, in a manner so perfectly to my fancy, as I did
then. I had a great deal of business to attend to, that took me a great
part of the day from home; but, whenever I could spare a minute from
business, the child was in my arms; I rendered the mother's labour as
light as I could; any bit of food satisfied me; when watching was
necessary, we shared it between us; and that famous GRAMMAR for teaching
French people English, which has been for thirty years, and still is,
the great work of this kind, throughout all America, and in every nation
in Europe, was written by me, in hours not employed in business, and, in
great part, during my share of the night-watchings over a sick, and then
only child, who, after lingering many months, died in my arms.
162. This was the way that we went on: this was the way that we _began_
the married life; and surely, that which we did with pleasure no young
couple, unendowed with fortune, ought to be ashamed to do. But she may
be _ill_; the time may be near at hand, or may have actually arrived,
when she must encounter that particular pain and danger of which _you
have been the happy cause_! Oh! that is quite another matter! And if you
now exceed in care, in watchings over her, in tender attention to all
her wishes, in anxious efforts to quiet her fears; if you exceed in
pains and expense to procure her relief and secure her life; if you, in
any of these, exceed that which I would recommend, you must be romantic
indeed! She deserves them all, and more than all, ten thousand times
told. And now it is that you feel the blessing conferred by her economy.
That heap of money, which might have been squandered on, or by, or in
consequence of, an useless servant, you now have in hand wherewith to
procure an abundance of that skill and that attendance of which she
stands in absolute need; and she, when restored to you in smiling
health, has the just pride to reflect, that she may have owed her life
and your happiness to the effects of her industry.
163. It is the _beginning_ that is every thing in this important case;
and you will have, perhaps, much to do to convince her, not that what
you recommend is advantageous; not that it is right; but to convince her
that she can do it without sinking below the station that she ought to
maintain. She would cheerfully do it; but there are her _next-door
neighbours_, who do not do it, though, in all other respects, on a par
with her. It is not laziness, but pernicious fashion, that you will have
to combat. But the truth is, that there ought to be _no combat_ at all;
this important matter ought to be settled and fully agreed on
_beforehand_. If she really love you, and have common sense, she will
not hesitate a moment; and if she be deficient in either of these
respects; and if you be so mad in love as to be unable to exist without
her, it is better to cease to exist at once, than to become the toiling
and embarrassed slave of a wasting and pillaging servant.
164. The next thing to be attended to is, your _demeanor_ towards a
young wife. As to oldish ones, or widows, time and other things have, in
most cases, blunted their feelings, and rendered harsh or stern demeanor
in the husband a matter not of heart-breaking consequence. But with a
young and inexperienced one, the case is very different; and you should
bear in mind, that the first frown that she receives from _you_ is a
dagger to her heart. Nature has so ordered it, that men shall become
less ardent in their passion after the wedding day; and that women shall
not. Their ardour increases rather than the contrary; and they are
surprisingly quick-sighted and inquisitive on this score. When the
_child_ comes, it divides this ardour with the father; but until then
you have it all; and if you have a mind to be happy, repay it with all
your soul. Let what may happen to put you out of humour with others, let
nothing put you out of humour with her. Let your words and looks and
manners be just what they were before you called her wife.
165. But now, and throughout your life, show your affection for her, and
your admiration of her, not in nonsensical compliment; not in picking up
her handkerchief, or her glove, or in carrying her fan or parasol; not,
if you have the means, in hanging trinkets and baubles upon her; not in
making yourself a fool by winking at, and seeming pleased at, her
foibles, or follies, or faults; but show them by acts of real goodness
towards her; prove by unequivocal deeds the high value that you set on
her health and life and peace of mind; let your praise of her go to the
full extent of her deserts, but let it be consistent with truth and with
sense, and such as to convince her of your sincerity. He who is the
flatterer of his wife only prepares her ears for the hyperbolical stuff
of others. The kindest appellation that her Christian name affords is
the best you can use, especially before faces. An everlasting '_my
dear_' is but a sorry compensation for a want of that sort of love that
makes the husband cheerfully toil by day, break his rest by night,
endure all sorts of hardships, if the life or health of his wife demand
it. Let your deeds, and not your words, carry to her heart a daily and
hourly confirmation of the fact, that you value her health and life and
happiness beyond all other things in the world; and let this be manifest
to her, particularly at those times when life is always more or less in
danger.
166. I began my young marriage days in and near Philadelphia. At one of
those times to which I have just alluded, in the middle of the burning
hot month of July, I was greatly afraid of fatal consequences to my wife
for want of sleep, she not having, after the great danger was over, had
any sleep for more than forty-eight hours. All great cities, in hot
countries, are, I believe, full of dogs; and they, in the very hot
weather, keep up, during the night, a horrible barking and fighting and
howling. Upon the particular occasion to which I am adverting, they made
a noise so terrible and so unremitted, that it was next to impossible
that even a person in full health and free from pain should obtain a
minute's sleep. I was, about nine in the evening, sitting by the bed: 'I
do think,' said she, 'that I could go to sleep _now_, if it were not
_for the dogs_.' Down stairs I went, and out I sallied, in my shirt and
trowsers, and without shoes and stockings; and, going to a heap of
stones lying beside the road, set to work upon the dogs, going backward
and forward, and keeping them at two or three hundred yards' distance
from the house. I walked thus the whole night, barefooted, lest the
noise of my shoes might possibly reach her ears; and I remember that the
bricks of the causeway were, even in the night, so hot as to be
disagreeable to my feet. My exertions produced the desired effect: a
sleep of several hours was the consequence; and, at eight o'clock in the
morning, off went I to a day's business, which was to end at six in the
evening.
167. Women are all patriots of the soil; and when her neighbours used to
ask my wife whether _all_ English husbands were like hers, she boldly
answered in the affirmative. I had business to occupy the whole of my
time, Sundays and weekdays, except sleeping hours; but I used to make
time to assist her in the taking care of her baby, and in all sorts of
things: get up, light her fire, boil her tea-kettle, carry her up warm
water in cold weather, take the child while she dressed herself and got
the breakfast ready, then breakfast, get her in water and wood for the
day, then dress myself neatly, and sally forth to my business. The
moment that was over I used to hasten back to her again; and I no more
thought of spending a moment _away from her_, unless business compelled
me, than I thought of quitting the country and going to sea. The
_thunder_ and _lightning_ are tremendous in America, compared with what
they are in England. My wife was, at one time, very much afraid of
thunder and lightning; and as is the feeling of all such women, and,
indeed, all men too, she wanted company, and particularly her husband,
in those times of danger. I knew well, of course, that my presence would
not diminish the danger; but, be I at what I might, if within reach of
home, I used to quit my business and hasten to her, the moment I
perceived a thunder storm approaching. Scores of miles have I, first and
last, _run_ on this errand, in the streets of Philadelphia! The
Frenchmen, who were my scholars, used to laugh at me exceedingly on this
account; and sometimes, when I was making an appointment with them, they
would say, with a smile and a bow, '_Sauve la tonnerre toujours,
Monsieur Cobbett_.'
168. I never _dangled_ about at the heels of my wife; seldom, very
seldom, ever _walked out_, as it is called, with her; I never 'went _a
walking_' in the whole course of my life; never went to walk without
having some _object_ in view other than the walk; and, as I never could
walk at a slow pace, it would have been _hard work_ for her to keep up
with me; so that, in the nearly forty years of our married life, we have
not walked out together, perhaps, twenty times. I hate a _dangler_, who
is more like a footman than a husband. It is very cheap to be kind in
_trifles_; but that which rivets the affections is not to be purchased
with money. The great thing of all, however, is to prove your anxiety at
those times of peril to her, and for which times you, nevertheless,
wish. Upon those occasions I was never from home, be the necessity for
it ever so great: it was my rule, that every thing must give way to
that. In the year 1809, some English local militiamen were _flogged_, in
the Isle of Ely, in England, under a guard of _Hanoverians_, then
stationed in England. I, reading an account of this in a London
newspaper, called the COURIER, expressed my indignation at it in such
terms as it became an Englishman to do. The Attorney General, Gibbs, was
set on upon me; he harassed me for nearly a year, then brought me to
trial, and I was, by Ellenborough, Grose, Le Blanc, and Bailey,
sentenced to _two years' imprisonment_ in Newgate, to pay a fine to _the
king_ of _a thousand pounds_, and to be held in heavy bail for _seven
years_ after the expiration of the imprisonment! Every one regarded it
as a sentence of _death_. I lived in the country at the time, seventy
miles from London; I had a farm on my hands; I had a family of small
children, amongst whom I had constantly lived; I had a most anxious and
devoted wife, who was, too, in that state, which rendered the separation
more painful ten-fold. I was put into a place amongst _felons_, from
which I had to rescue myself at the price of _twelve guineas a week_ for
the whole of the two years. The _King_, poor man! was, at the close of
my imprisonment, not _in a condition_ to receive the _thousand pounds_;
but his son, the present king, punctually received it _'in his name and
behalf_;' and he keeps it still.
169. The sentence, though it proved not to be one of _death_, was, in
effect, one of _ruin_, as far as then-possessed property went. But this
really appeared as nothing, compared with the circumstance, that I must
now have _a child born in a felons' jail_, or be absent from the scene
at the time of the birth. My wife, who had come to see me for the last
time previous to her lying-in, perceiving my deep dejection at the
approach of her departure for Botley, resolved not to go; and actually
went and took a lodging as near to Newgate as she could find one, in
order that the communication between us might be as speedy as possible;
and in order that I might see the doctor, and receive assurances from
him relative to her state. The nearest lodging that she could find was
in Skinner-street, at the corner of a street leading to Smithfield. So
that there she was, amidst the incessant rattle of coaches and butchers'
carts, and the noise of cattle, dogs, and bawling men; instead of being
in a quiet and commodious country-house, with neighbours and servants
and every thing necessary about her. Yet, so great is the power of the
mind in such cases, she, though the circumstances proved uncommonly
perilous, and were attended with the loss of the child, bore her
sufferings with the greatest composure, because, at any minute she could
send a message to, and hear from, me. If she had gone to Botley, leaving
me in that state of anxiety in which she saw me, I am satisfied that she
would have died; and that event taking place at such a distance from me,
how was I to contemplate her corpse, surrounded by her distracted
children, and to have escaped death, or madness, myself? If such was not
the effect of this merciless act of the government towards me, that
amiable body may be well assured that I have _taken and recorded the
will for the deed_, and that as such it will live in my memory as long
as that memory shall last.
170. I make no apology for this account of my own conduct, because
example is better than precept, and because I believe that my example
may have weight with many thousands, as it has had in respect to early
rising, abstinence, sobriety, industry, and mercy towards the poor. It
is not, then, dangling about after a wife; it is not the loading her
with baubles and trinkets; it is not the jaunting of her about from show
to show, and from what is called pleasure to pleasure. It is none of
these that endears you to her: it is the adherence to that part of the
promise you have made her: 'With my _body_ I thee _worship_;' that is to
say, _respect_ and _honour_ by personal attention and acts of affection.
And remember, that the greatest possible proof that you can give of real
and solid affection is to give her your _time_, when not wanted in
matters of business; when not wanted for the discharge of some _duty_,
either towards the public or towards private persons. Amongst duties of
this sort, we must, of course, in some ranks and circumstances of life,
include the intercourse amongst friends and neighbours, which may
frequently and reasonably call the husband from his home: but what are
we to think of the husband who is in the habit of leaving his own
fire-side, after the business of the day is over, and seeking
promiscuous companions in the ale or the coffee house? I am told that,
in France, it is rare to meet with a husband who does not spend every
evening of his life in what is called a _caffé_; that is to say, a place
for no other purpose than that of gossipping, drinking and gaming. And
it is with great sorrow that I acknowledge that many English husbands
indulge too much in a similar habit. Drinking clubs, smoking clubs,
singing clubs, clubs of odd-fellows, whist clubs, sotting clubs: these
are inexcusable, they are censurable, they are at once foolish and
wicked, even in single men; what must they be, then, in _husbands_; and
how are they to answer, not only to their wives, but to their children,
for this profligate abandonment of their homes; this breach of their
solemn vow made to the former, this evil example to the latter?
171. Innumerable are the miseries that spring from this cause. The
_expense_ is, in the first place, very considerable. I much question
whether, amongst tradesmen, a _shilling_ a night pays the average score;
and that, too, for that which is really _worth_ nothing at all, and
cannot, even by possibility, be attended with any one single advantage,
however small. Fifteen pounds a year thus thrown away, would amount, in
the course of a tradesman's life, to a decent fortune for a child. Then
there is the injury to _health_ from these night adventures; there are
the _quarrels_, there is the vicious habit of loose and filthy talk;
there are the slanders and the back-bitings; there is the admiration of
contemptible wit, and there are the scoffings at all that is sober and
serious.
172. And does the husband who thus abandons his wife and children
imagine that she will not, in some degree at least, follow his example?
If he do, he is very much deceived. If she imitate him even in drinking,
he has no great reason to complain; and then the cost may be _two
shillings_ the night instead of one, equal in amount to the cost of all
the bread wanted in the family, while the baker's bill is, perhaps,
unpaid. Here are the slanderings, too, going on at home; for, while the
husbands are assembled, it would be hard if the wives were not to do the
same; and the very least that is to be expected is, that the _tea-pot_
should keep pace with the porter-pot or grog-glass. Hence crowds of
female acquaintances and intruders, and all the consequent and
inevitable squabbles which form no small part of the torment of the life
of man.