young women must be accompanied with seriousness approaching to _gloom_,
he is, according to my experience and observation, very much deceived.
The _contrary_ is the fact; for I have found that as, amongst men, your
jovial companions are, except over the bottle, the dullest and most
insipid of souls; so amongst women, the gay, rattling, and laughing,
are, unless some party of pleasure, or something out of domestic life,
is going on, generally in the dumps and blue-devils. Some _stimulus_ is
always craved after by this description of women; some sight to be seen,
something to see or hear other than what is to be found _at home_,
which, as it affords no incitement, nothing '_to raise and keep up the
spirits_', is looked upon merely as a place _to be at_ for want of a
better; merely a place for eating and drinking, and the like; merely a
biding place, whence to sally in search of enjoyments. A greater curse
than a wife of this description, it would be somewhat difficult to find;
and, in your character of Lover, you are to provide against it. I hate a
dull, melancholy, moping thing: I could not have existed in the same
house with such a thing for a single month. The mopers are, too, all
giggle at other times: the gaiety is for others, and the moping for the
husband, to comfort him, happy man, when he is alone: plenty of smiles
and of badinage for others, and for him to participate with others; but
the moping is reserved exclusively for him. One hour she is capering
about, as if rehearsing a jig; and, the next, sighing to the motion of a
lazy needle, or weeping over a novel and this is called _sentiment_!
Music, indeed! Give me a mother singing to her clean and fat and rosy
baby, and making the house ring with her extravagant and hyperbolical
encomiums on it. That is the music which is '_the food of love_;' and
not the formal, pedantic noises, an affectation of skill in which is
now-a-days the ruin of half the young couples in the middle rank of
life. Let any man observe, as I so frequently have, with delight, the
excessive fondness of the labouring people for their children. Let him
observe with what pride they dress them out on a Sunday, with means
deducted from their own scanty meals. Let him observe the husband, who
has toiled all the week like a horse, nursing the baby, while the wife
is preparing the bit of dinner. Let him observe them both abstaining
from a sufficiency, lest the children should feel the pinchings of
hunger. Let him observe, in short, the whole of their demeanour, the
real mutual affection, evinced, not in words, but in unequivocal deeds.
Let him observe these things, and, having then cast a look at the lives
of the great and wealthy, he will say, with me, that, when a man is
choosing his partner for life, the dread of poverty ought to be cast to
the winds. A labourer's cottage, on a Sunday; the husband or wife having
a baby in arms, looking at two or three older ones playing between the
flower-borders going from the wicket to the door, is, according to my
taste, the most interesting object that eyes ever beheld; and, it is an
object to be beheld in no country upon earth but England. In France, a
labourer's cottage means _a shed_ with a _dung-heap_ before the door;
and it means much about the same in America, where it is wholly
inexcusable. In riding once, about five years ago, from Petworth to
Horsham, on a Sunday in the afternoon, I came to a solitary cottage
which stood at about twenty yards distance from the road. There was the
wife with the baby in her arms, the husband teaching another child to
walk, while _four_ more were at play before them. I stopped and looked
at them for some time, and then, turning my horse, rode up to the
wicket, getting into talk by asking the distance to Horsham. I found
that the man worked chiefly in the woods, and that he was doing pretty
well. The wife was then only _twenty-two_, and the man only
_twenty-five_. She was a pretty woman, even for _Sussex_, which, not
excepting Lancashire, contains the prettiest women in England. He was a
very fine and stout young man. 'Why,' said I, 'how many children do you
reckon to have at last?' 'I do not care how many,' said the man: 'God
never sends mouths without sending meat.' 'Did you ever hear,' said I,
'of one PARSON MALTHUS?' 'No, sir.' 'Why, if he were to hear of your
works, he would be outrageous; for he wants an act of parliament to
prevent poor people from marrying young, and from having such lots of
children.' 'Oh! the brute!' exclaimed the wife; while the husband
laughed, thinking that I was joking. I asked the man whether he had ever
had _relief from the parish_; and upon his answering in the negative, I
took out my purse, took from it enough to bait my horse at Horsham, and
to clear my turnpikes to WORTH, whither I was going in order to stay
awhile, and gave him all the rest. Now, is it not a shame, is it not a
sin of all sins, that people like these should, by acts of the
government, be reduced to such misery as to be induced to abandon their
homes and their country, to seek, in a foreign land, the means of
preventing themselves and their children from starving? And this has
been, and now is, actually the case with many such families in this same
county of Sussex!
100. An _ardent-minded_ young man (who, by-the-by, will, as I am afraid,
have been wearied by this rambling digression) may fear, that this great
_sobriety of conduct_ in a young woman, for which I have been so
strenuously contending, argues a want of that _warmth_, which he
naturally so much desires; and, if my observation and experience
warranted the entertaining of this fear, I should say, had I to live my
life over again, give me the _warmth_, and I will stand my chance as to
the rest. But, this observation and this experience tell me the
contrary; they tell me that _levity_ is, ninety-nine times out of a
hundred, the companion of _a want of ardent feeling_. Prostitutes never
_love_, and, for the far greater part, never did. Their passion, which
is more _mere animal_ than any thing else, is easily gratified; they,
like rakes, change not only without pain, but with pleasure; that is to
say, pleasure as great as they can enjoy. Women of _light minds_ have
seldom any _ardent_ passion; love is a mere name, unless confined to one
object; and young women, in whom levity of conduct is observable, will
not be thus restricted. I do not, however, recommend a young man to be
_too severe_ in judging, where the conduct does not go beyond _mere
levity_, and is not bordering on _loose_ conduct; for something depends
here upon constitution and animal spirits, and something also upon the
manners of the country. That levity, which, in a French girl, I should
not have thought a great deal of, would have frightened me away from an
English or an American girl. When I was in France, just after I was
married, there happened to be amongst our acquaintance a gay, sprightly
girl, of about seventeen. I was remonstrating with her, one day, on the
facility with which she seemed to shift her smiles from object to
object; and she, stretching one arm out in an upward direction, the
other in a downward direction, raising herself upon one foot, leaning
her body on one side, and thus throwing herself into _flying_ attitude,
answered my grave lecture by singing, in a very sweet voice
(significantly bowing her head and smiling at the same time), the
following lines from the _vaudeville_, in the play of Figaro:
Si l'amour a des _ailles_;
N'est ce pas pour _voltiger_?
That is, if love has _wings_, is it not _to flutter about_ with? The
wit, argument, and manner, all together, silenced me. She, after I left
France, married a very worthy man, has had a large family, and has been,
and is, a most excellent wife and mother. But that which does sometimes
well in France, does not do here at all. Our manners are more grave:
steadiness is the rule, and levity the exception. Love may _voltige_ in
France; but, in England, it cannot, with safety to the lover: and it is
a truth which, I believe, no man of attentive observation will deny,
that, as, in general, English wives are _more warm_ in their conjugal
attachments than those of France, so, with regard to individuals, that
those English women who are the _most light_ in their manners, and who
are the _least constant_ in their attachments, have the smallest portion
of that _warmth_, that indescribable passion which God has given to
human beings as the great counterbalance to all the sorrows and
sufferings of life.
101. INDUSTRY. By _industry_, I do not mean merely _laboriousness_,
merely labour or activity of body, for purposes of gain or of saving;
for there may be industry amongst those who have more money than they
know well what to do with: and there may be _lazy ladies_, as well as
lazy farmers' and tradesmen's wives. There is no state of life in which
_industry_ in the wife is not necessary to the happiness and prosperity
of the family, at the head of the household affairs of which she is
placed. If she be lazy, there will be lazy servants, and, which is a
great deal worse, children habitually lazy: every thing, however
necessary to be done, will be put off to the last moment: then it will
be done badly, and, in many cases, not at all: the dinner will be _too
late_; the journey or the visit will be tardy; inconveniencies of all
sorts will be continually arising: there will always be a heavy _arrear_
of things unperformed; and this, even amongst the most wealthy of all,
is a great curse; for, if they have no _business_ imposed upon them by
necessity, they _make business_ for themselves; life would be unbearable
without it: and therefore a lazy woman must always be a curse, be her
rank or station what it may.
102. But, _who is to tell_ whether a girl will make an industrious
woman? How is the purblind lover especially, to be able to ascertain
whether she, whose smiles and dimples and bewitching lips have half
bereft him of his senses; how is he to be able to judge, from any thing
that he can see, whether the beloved object will be industrious or lazy?
Why, it is very difficult: it is a matter that reason has very little to
do with; but there are, nevertheless, certain outward and visible signs,
from which a man, not wholly deprived of the use of his reason, may form
a pretty accurate judgment as to this matter. It was a story in
Philadelphia, some years ago, that a young man, who was courting one of
three sisters, happened to be on a visit to her, when all the three were
present, and when one said to the others, 'I _wonder_ where _our_ needle
is.' Upon which he withdrew, as soon as was consistent with the rules of
politeness, resolved never to think more of a girl who possessed a
needle only in partnership, and who, it appeared, was not too well
informed as to the place where even that share was deposited.
103. This was, to be sure, a very flagrant instance of a want of
industry; for, if the third part of the use of a needle satisfied her
when single, it was reasonable to anticipate that marriage would banish
that useful implement altogether. But such instances are seldom suffered
to come in contact with the eyes and ears of the lover, to disguise all
defects from whom is the great business, not only of the girl herself,
but of her whole family. There are, however, certain _outward signs_,
which, if attended to with care, will serve as pretty sure guides. And,
first, if you find the _tongue_ lazy, you may be nearly certain that the
hands and feet are the same. By laziness of the tongue I do not mean
_silence_; I do not mean an _absence of talk_, for that is, in most
cases, very good; but, I mean, a _slow_ and _soft utterance_; a sort of
_sighing out_ of the words instead of _speaking_ them; a sort of letting
the sounds fall out, as if the party were _sick at stomach_. The
pronunciation of an industrious person is generally _quick_, _distinct_,
and the voice, if not strong, _firm_ at the least. Not masculine; as
feminine as possible; not a _croak_ nor a _bawl_, but a quick, distinct,
and sound voice. Nothing is much more disgusting than what the sensible
country people call a _maw-mouthed_ woman. A maw-mouthed man is bad
enough: he is sure to be a lazy fellow: but, a woman of this
description, in addition to her laziness, soon becomes the most
disgusting of mates. In this whole world nothing is much more hateful
than a female's under jaw, lazily moving up and down, and letting out a
long string of half-articulate sounds. It is impossible for any man, who
has any spirit in him, to love such a woman for any length of time.
104. Look a little, also, at the labours of the _teeth_, for these
correspond with those of the other members of the body, and with the
operations of the mind. 'Quick at _meals_, quick at _work_,' is a saying
as old as the hills, in this, the most industrious nation upon earth;
and never was there a truer saying. But fashion comes in here, and
decides that you shall not be quick at meals; that you shall sit and be
carrying on the affair of eating for an hour, or more. Good God! what
have I not suffered on this account! However, though she must _sit_ as
long as the rest, and though she must join in the _performance_ (for it
is a real performance) unto the end of the last scene, she cannot make
her _teeth_ abandon their character. She may, and must, suffer the slice
to linger on the plate, and must make the supply slow, in order to fill
up the time; but when she _does_ bite, she cannot well disguise what
nature has taught her to do; and you may be assured, that if her jaws
move in slow time, and if she rather _squeeze_ than bite the food; if
she so deal with it as to leave you in doubt as to whether she mean
finally to admit or reject it; if she deal with it thus, set her down as
being, in her very nature, incorrigibly lazy. Never mind the pieces of
needle-work, the tambouring, the maps of the world made by her needle.
Get to see her at work upon a mutton chop, or a bit of bread and cheese;
and, if she deal quickly with these, you have a pretty good security for
that activity, that _stirring_ industry, without which a wife is a
burden instead of being a help. And, as to _love_, it cannot live for
more than a month or two (in the breast of a man of spirit) towards a
lazy woman.
105. Another mark of industry is, a _quick step_, and a somewhat _heavy
tread_, showing that the foot comes down with a _hearty good will_; and
if the body lean a little forward, and the eyes keep steadily in the
same direction, while the feet are going, so much the better, for these
discover _earnestness_ to arrive at the intended point. I do not like,
and I never liked, your _sauntering_, soft-stepping girls, who move as
if they were perfectly indifferent as to the result; and, as to the
_love_ part of the story, whoever expects ardent and lasting affection
from one of these sauntering girls, will, when too late, find his
mistake: the character runs the same all the way through; and no man
ever yet saw a sauntering girl, who did not, when married, make a
_mawkish_ wife, and a cold-hearted mother; cared very little for either
by husband or children; and, of course, having no store of those
blessings which are the natural resources to apply to in sickness and in
old age.
106. _Early-rising_ is another mark of industry; and though, in the
higher situations of life, it may be of no importance in a mere
pecuniary point of view, it is, even there, of importance in other
respects; for it is, I should imagine, pretty difficult to keep love
alive towards a woman who _never sees the dew_, never beholds the
_rising sun_, and who constantly comes directly from a reeking bed to
the breakfast table, and there chews about, without appetite, the
choicest morsels of human food. A man might, perhaps, endure this for a
month or two, without being disgusted; but that is ample allowance of
time. And, as to people in the middle rank of life, where a living and a
provision for children is to be sought by labour of some sort or other,
late rising in the wife is _certain ruin_; and, never was there yet an
early-rising wife, who had been a late-rising girl. If brought up to
late rising, she will like it; it will be her _habit_; she will, when
married, never want excuses for indulging in the habit; at first she
will be indulged without bounds; to make a _change_ afterwards will be
difficult; it will be deemed a _wrong_ done to her; she will ascribe it
to diminished affection; a quarrel must ensue, or, the husband must
submit to be ruined, or, at the very least, to see half the fruit of his
labour snored and lounged away. And, is this being _rigid_? Is it being
_harsh_; is it being _hard_ upon women? Is it the offspring of the
frigid severity of age? It is none of these: it arises from an ardent
desire to promote the happiness, and to add to the natural, legitimate,
and salutary influence, of the female sex. The tendency of this advice
is to promote the preservation of their health; to prolong the duration
of their beauty; to cause them to be beloved to the last day of their
lives; and to give them, during the whole of those lives, weight and
consequence, of which laziness would render them wholly unworthy.
107. FRUGALITY. This means the contrary of _extravagance_. It does not
mean _stinginess_; it does not mean a pinching of the belly, nor a
stripping of the back; but it means an abstaining from all _unnecessary_
expenditure, and all _unnecessary_ use, of goods of any and of every
sort; and a quality of great importance it is, whether the rank in life
be high or low. Some people are, indeed, so rich, they have such an
overabundance of money and goods, that how to get rid of them would, to
a looker-on, seem to be their only difficulty. But while the
inconvenience of even these immense masses is not too great to be
overcome by a really extravagant woman, who jumps with joy at a basket
of strawberries at a guinea an ounce, and who would not give a straw for
green peas later in the year than January; while such a dame would
lighten the bags of a loan-monger, or shorten the rent-roll of
half-a-dozen peerages amalgamated into one possession, she would, with
very little study and application of her talent, send a nobleman of
ordinary estate to the poor-house or the pension list, which last may be
justly regarded as the poor-book of the aristocracy. How many noblemen
and gentlemen, of fine estates, have been ruined and degraded by the
extravagance of their wives! More frequently by their _own_
extravagance, perhaps; but, in numerous instances, by that of those
whose duty it is to assist in upholding their stations by husbanding
their fortunes.
108. If this be the case amongst the opulent, who have estates to draw
upon, what must be the consequences of a want of frugality in the middle
and lower ranks of life? Here it must be fatal, and especially amongst
that description of persons whose wives have, in many cases, the
_receiving_ as well as the expending of money. In such a case, there
wants nothing but extravagance in the wife to make ruin as sure as the
arrival of old age. To obtain _security_ against this is very difficult;
yet, if the lover be not _quite blind_, he may easily discover a
propensity towards extravagance. The object of his addresses will, nine
times out of ten, not be the manager of a house; but she must have her
_dress_, and other little matters under her control. If she be _costly_
in these; if, in these, she step above her rank, or even to the top of
it; if she purchase all she is _able_ to purchase, and prefer the showy
to the useful, the gay and the fragile to the less sightly and more
durable, he may be sure that the disposition will cling to her through
life. If he perceive in her a taste for costly food, costly furniture,
costly amusements; if he find her love of gratification to be bounded
only by her want of means; if he find her full of admiration of the
trappings of the rich, and of desire to be able to imitate them, he may
be pretty sure that she will not spare his purse, when once she gets her
hand into it; and, therefore, if he can bid adieu to her charms, the
sooner he does it the better.
109. The outward and visible and vulgar signs of extravagance are
_rings_, _broaches_, _bracelets_, _buckles_, _necklaces_, _diamonds_
(real or mock), and, in short, all the _hard-ware_ which women put upon
their persons. These things may be proper enough in _palaces_, or in
scenes resembling palaces; but, when they make their appearance amongst
people in the middle rank of life, where, after all, they only serve to
show that poverty in the parties which they wish to disguise; when the
nasty, mean, tawdry things make their appearance in this rank of life,
they are the sure indications of a disposition that will _always be
straining at what it can never attain_. To marry a girl of this
disposition is really self-destruction. You never can have either
property or peace. Earn her a horse to ride, she will want a gig: earn
the gig, she will want a chariot: get her that, she will long for a
coach and four: and, from stage to stage, she will torment you to the
end of her or your days; for, still there will be somebody with a finer
equipage than you can give her; and, as long as this is the case, you
will never have rest. Reason would tell her, that she could never be at
the _top_; that she must stop at some point short of that; and that,
therefore, all expenses in the rivalship are so much thrown away. But,
_reason_ and broaches and bracelets do not go in company: the girl who
has not the sense to perceive that her person is disfigured, and not
beautified, by parcels of brass and tin (for they are generally little
better) and other hard-ware, stuck about her body; the girl that is so
foolish as not to perceive, that, when silks and cottons and cambrics,
in their neatest form, have done their best, nothing more is to be done;
the girl that cannot perceive this is too great a fool to be trusted
with the purse of any man.
110. CLEANLINESS. This is a capital ingredient; for there never yet was,
and there never will be, love of long duration, sincere and ardent love,
in any man, towards a '_filthy mate_.' I mean any man _in England_, or
in those parts of _America_ where the people have descended from the
English. I do not say, that there are not men enough, even in England,
to live _peaceably_ and even contentedly, with dirty, sluttish women;
for, there are some who seem to like the filth well enough. But what I
contend for is this: that there never can exist, for any length of time,
_ardent affection_ in any man towards a woman who is filthy either in
her person, or in her house affairs. Men may be careless as to their own
persons; they may, from the nature of their business, or from their want
of time to adhere to neatness in dress, be slovenly in their own dress
and habits; but, they do not relish this in their wives, who must still
have _charms_; and charms and filth do not go together.
111. It is not _dress_ that the husband wants to be perpetual: it is not
_finery_; but _cleanliness_ in every thing. The French women dress
enough, especially when they _sally forth_. My excellent neighbour, Mr.
JOHN TREDWELL, of Long Island, used to say, that the French were 'pigs
in the parlour, and peacocks on the promenade;' an alliteration which
'CANNING'S SELF' might have envied! This _occasional_ cleanliness is not
the thing that an English or an American husband wants: he wants it
always; indoors as well as out; by night as well as by day; on the floor
as well as on the table; and, however he may grumble about the '_fuss_'
and the '_expense_' of it, he would grumble more if he had it not. I
once saw a picture representing the _amusements_ of Portuguese Lovers;
that is to say, three or four young men, dressed in gold or silver laced
clothes, each having a young girl, dressed like a princess, and
affectionately engaged in hunting down and _killing the vermin in his
head_! This was, perhaps, an _exaggeration_; but that it should have had
the shadow of foundation, was enough to fill me with contempt for the
whole nation.