more or less mortal combat, and one William Dodge, repeating the shorter
of his texts as he fought, was again the victor.
"Gimme Christian Science!" he said to himself, as he put on his coat
after the fray was over.
* * * * *
Billy Dodge was fast drifting, although unconsciously, toward a crisis
in his religious and worldly experiences. At school, during the last
term, and so far in the summer vacation, his scheme of fortifying his
physical powers with mental stimulants in the form of warlike "thoughts"
had worked well. His chief rival for the honors of war, an energetic
youngster, whose name, Jim McMasters, proclaimed his Irish ancestry, he
had soundly thrashed more than once since adopting his new tactics. So
far Billy had found that to hold the thought, "Ketch hold prompt and
hang on," while he acted vigorously upon that stirring sentiment, meant
victory, and he had more than once tried the efficacy of, "Strike from
the shoulder," under adverse conditions and with success.
It was during this summer of anxiety to the more important personages of
this story that Billy Dodge was called upon to prove the practical value
of his belief in the supremacy of mind over matter, and although Billy
emerged from the trial none the worse for his experience, it effected a
radical change in his views.
Jim McMasters returned one summer's day from a short camping excursion
in the Michigan woods. He had been the only boy in a party of young men,
and during their spare hours, as the members of the fishing party were
lying around camp, they had instructed Jim in a few of the first
principles of the noble science of self-defense. This unselfish action
on the part of his elders was brought about by Jim's bitter complaints
of Billy's treatment of himself in a fair fight, and by his dire thirst
for vengeance.
And so Jim McMasters came back to the city a dangerous opponent, and he
looked it. Even Billy, secure in the prestige of former victories, and
armed with hidden weapons--namely, the "thoughts" he so tenaciously
held--felt some misgivings when he saw Jim and noted his easy,
swaggering mien.
"I've got to lick him again," thought Billy, "and I've got to be good
and ready for him this time. I must get a set of thoughts well learned
and hold 'em, or I'll be lammed out of my life."
The youngsters met one day, each with his following of admirers, in a
vacant lot not far from the Lakeside House. There was a queer look in
Jim's eye when he hailed Billy, and there was instant response in
language of a violent character from the young disciple of Christian
Science. As the two stood in a ring of boys, each watching the other and
alert to catch some advantage of beginning, Billy was certainly the most
unconcerned, and he appeared to advantage. He was occupied throughout
every nerve and vein of his being, first in "holding the thought" he had
fixed upon for this special occasion, and second, by his plan of attack,
for Billy made it a point always to take the initiative in a fight.
As for Jim, that active descendant of the Celts failed to exhibit that
alarm and apprehension which should appertain to a young gentleman of
his age when facing an antagonist who had "whaled" him repeatedly. His
face was neither sallow with long dread, nor white with present fear
before his former conqueror. In fact, it must be said of him that he
capered about in a fashion not particularly graceful. He rose upon the
ends of his toes and made wild feints which Billy did not understand. It
was hard, under such disquieting circumstances, to hold a thought, and
Billy found himself struggling in mind for equilibrium while he stood
forward to the attack. He aimed a wild blow at his capering opponent,
and drove into soundless air only, and before he could recover himself
the capering opponent had "landed" on Billy's cheek in a most surprising
but altogether unrefreshing manner.
The concussion made the cheek the color of an old-fashioned peony, and
the jar caused the nose to bleed a little as the astonished Billy
staggered back under the impact of a clenched fist.
Then the real fight began, but Billy, though he made a strong effort to
rally, was beaten, and he knew, or thought he knew, why he was beaten.
"It was holding the thought that done it," he faltered, as he fell after
a quick stroke from Jim. He lay quiet on the grass, and his one wish was
to die. He fixed his mind resolutely upon this wish, but failed to die
at once; indeed he felt every moment the reviving forces of life
throbbing through his tough young body. How could he look up and face
his victorious foe? He decided rather to continue his efforts to die,
and forthwith stiffened out into such rigidity as can be observed only
in the bodies of those who have been dead forty-eight hours.
This manoeuver frightened the lads around him. "See here!" said Johnny
Flynn, "Billy's hurt bad, an' we ought to do something."
"He looks dead!" whimpered little Davy Runnion, the smallest boy
present, and he ran off to tell Jim McMasters, who stood at ease, at a
short distance, arranging his disordered dress.
The victor faltered as he looked upon Billy's stiffened limbs.
"We must take him home," he said, ruefully.
Four boys lifted Billy, two at his shoulders, two at his feet. In the
center he sagged slightly, despite his silent efforts to be rigidity
itself. The small procession was preceded by a rabble of white-faced
small boys, while the rear was guarded by Jim McMasters, meditating on
the reflection that victory might be too dearly bought. Just as they
reached the front steps of Mrs. Dodge's house, and were beginning the
tug up toward the door, Jim burst into a loud bawl, and this so much
disconcerted the youngsters who were carrying Billy that they almost
dropped him on the white door-stone.
Johnny Flynn gave a mighty ring at the door-bell, and then fled down the
steps and ran to the street corner, where he stood, one foot in the air,
ready to run when the door opened. The neat maid who answered the bell
gave a little shriek when she saw Billy's inanimate form. The boys
pushed by her, dumped their burden upon the big hall sofa, and rushed
out before any questions could be asked. It was plain enough, however,
that Billy had got the worst of the fight. "And sure enough he deserves
it," mentally pronounced the servant maid as she ran to call her
mistress.
Mrs. Dodge gave a dismal shriek when she saw Billy. She sent the maid
for Dr. Gordon, and sat down on the sofa with Billy's head in her lap.
This was ignominious, and Billy decided to live. He opened his eyes, and
in a faint voice asked for water.
When the man of medicine arrived he ordered the vanquished to bed. In
the goodness of his heart, pitying the household of women, he even
carried Billy upstairs and assisted in undressing him. The doctor
noticed during this process various small folded papers flying out of
Billy's pockets, but he did not know their meaning. It was left for Cora
and Pearl, later in the day, to pick them up and examine them. Alas for
Billy's faith!
In his own boyish handwriting were his inspiring "thoughts," "Never say
die," "Ketch hold prompt," etc. Billy turned his face to the wall with a
groan as the twins laid the slips of paper on his pillow.
That evening, after Billy had held a long session of sweet, silent
thought, for he could not sleep, and had eaten a remarkably good supper,
he opened his mind to his mother.
"No more of these for me," he began, brushing the texts from his bed
onto the floor.
"Of what, Willy?" questioned Mrs. Dodge.
"No more holdin' the thought, and all that," said Billy. "I'm through.
Had too much. That's what did me up. If I hadn't been trying to think
that blamed thought, I'd 'a' seen Jim a-comin'."
"But, Willy," expostulated Mrs. Dodge, "you must hold fast."
"Hold nothin'!" said Billy. He arose and sat up very straight in the
bed. "I tell you I am goin' to have no more nonsense. Gimme quinine,
hell, a gold basis, and capital punishment! That's my platform from this
on. I'm goin' to look up a good Sunday-school to-morrow, in a church
with a steeple on it, and a strict, regular minister, and all the
fixin's. Remember, mother, after this I travel on my muscle weekdays,
and keep Sunday like a clock!"
The twins picked up the scattered thoughts from the floor--Billy was
lying in his mother's room--and their eyes were big with wonder.
"Burn 'em!" commanded Billy. Then, on second thought, he relented
slightly. "Keep 'em yourself if you want to," he said to the twins.
"Holdin' the thought may be all right for girls, but with boys it don't
work!"
SO WAGS THE WORLD
BY ANNE WARNER
(With apologies to Samuel Pepys, Esquire)
_February first_
My birthday and I exceedingly merry thereat having in divers friends and
much good wine beside two pasties and more of all than we could eat and
drink had we been doubled. Afterwards to the play-house and a very good
play and hence to a supper the which most hot and comforting with a butt
of brandy and divers cocktails and they being very full did make great
sport and joke me that I had never taken a wife to which replied neatly
saying that for my part in my twenties did feel myself too young and in
my thirties did never chance upon one comely and to my taste at which
great applause and pretty to see me bow to right and left although in
mortal fear lest something give way, I being grown heavier of late and
the quality of cloth suffering from the New York Custom House. The
applause being over did continue my speech and say that in my forties
had had little time to think of aught but my own personal affairs, but
that now being come to my fifties was well disposed to share them and
they did all drink to that and smash their glasses with right good cheer
prophesying my marriage and drinking long life to Her and me and Lord
but it did like me to hear speak of Her the which brought tears to mine
eyes, considering that they did speak of my wife, and so did weep freely
and they with me. My mind then a blank but home in some shape and the
maid did get me to my room and what a head this morning! Misliketh me
much to bethink me how I did comport myself, but a man is fifty but
once.
To mine office where did buy and sell as usual.
_February third_
Comes H. Nevil in a glass coach to take me to drive and did talk much of
his niece, she being fresh from France and of a good skin and fair
voice. Was of a great joy to ride in a glass coach and pleasant to look
constantly out backward, but great rattling and do think my modest
brougham sufficeth me well, but H. Nevil very disdainful of the brougham
and saith a man is known by the company he keepeth, the which strange in
mine eyes we being alone together in the coach but did go with him to a
horse dealer's.
To mine office as usual and there did buy and sell.
_February eighth_
To dine with H. Nevil and his wife and she a monstrous pleasant lady and
the dinner good only the wine poor and my vest too tight which vastly
misliked me, I being loth to grow stout and yet all at odds with my
belts, the which trying me sadly for I do pay my tailor as many do not.
And the niece a striking fine girl modest and not raising her eyes the
which much to my taste and drinking only lambs-wool and at cards knowing
not tierce from deuce. H. Nevil making great ado over my new coach did
have it out with pride and we to the Country Club for a late supper,
the which well-cooked but my vest much tighter and so home and to bed.
Railway stocks risen two points.
_February twentieth_
Did take a box at the Play and ask H. Nevil, his wife and niece and a
supper afterwards and pretty to see how miss did refuse mine eyes and
hardly speak two words, the which greatly to my admiration and after
supper did lead her to the coach and press her hand with curious effect
to mine own hair, the which strange and prickly and home and much
thinking on the merry talk at my birthday before sleep.
Stocks falling somewhat.
_March nineteenth_
Much agitated and all trembling and of a cold sweat. The Lord have mercy
and me all unwitting until in some strange way do find myself today
betrothed the which I do heartily pray to be for the good of all
concerned, although expensive and worse to come.
No heart for stocks, but the same arising.
_April sixteenth_
Do find the being betrothed more to my taste than anticipated and tell
H. Nevil he shall be remembered with pointers when the market turns
again. We to the park to drive each afternoon and many admiring of her
beauty, she desiring often to drive but I firm in refusing for I will be
master in my own house.
Comes one Lasselle and makes a great tale of a mine and I with no time
for him, but do set the office boy to look him up in Bradstreet.
These be busy days with a corner on parsnips.
_May tenth_
The business of being director in Lasselle's mine ended this day and to
a great dinner that he giveth in my honor and my portrait on all the
cards the which pleaseth me mightily and I all complimented and
congratulationed and sly hints on my approaching marriage to the which I
all smiles for Lord the thing being done one must be of good courage.
Quotations low, beshrew them.
_June seventh (the Mountains)_
Married this day and to do in a turmoil wheat being all a-rage and me
forced to go home to dress before noon. Did scarce know where I was with
Extras being cried outside the church window and H. Nevil giving the
bride away and on the wrong side of the market by my advice. The bride
hystericky in the carriage and at the station wept so that I was fair
beside myself. Did bethink me to kiss her in the train, but small
comfort to either. What will become of my affairs I know not, this place
being all without stock reports and I half mad and with naught to pass
the time.
Comes my wife as I write and will have the key to her largest trunk the
same it doth appear is lost, the which on discovery she layeth at my
door and weepeth afresh. Did strive to cheer her but with a heavy
heart.
_August tenth_
This do be the hottest summer in many years and lest I forget to set it
down more mad dogs than can well be handled. My wife very hystericky and
forever in a smock and declareth she would be dead and married life a
delusion, the which opinion I take small issue with having my hands full
of business and Lasselle forever at my heels with our affair of the mine
not to speak of H. Nevil which waileth continually over how he was
caught short in the month of June. Beshrew me if I repent not of June on
mine own behalf but am determined to live properly and so have
despatched a messenger to my cousin Sarah Badminton asking that she come
to keep mine house.
_August twentieth_
Comes Sarah Badminton this day and Lord but a plain woman, being flat
like unto a board from her heels up unto her head, but curiously shaped
in and out in front. Still she do seem a worthy jade and good at heart
and ever attentive when I will to converse and sitteth with me of a
breakfast my wife being ever asleep till ten.
Last night to the Play where comes Lasselle and makes very merry and
telleth jokes the which of great amusement to my wife while I find no
mirth therein. Later to supper at the coffee house and my wife
exceedingly witty and me all of a wonder at the change in her in public
and on reflection do find it passing strange that one ugly like Mistress
Badminton will effort her to be gracious at home while one so handsome
as my wife sleeps ever.
To my office where did buy and sell as usual.
_September sixteenth_
My wife not well and strangely indisposed towards me yawning unduly and
complaining that life is dull, yet gay enough for others and of a great
joy over riding horseback with Lasselle. Last night did chide her in bed
for upwards of an hour and misliked me greatly when I had done to find
that she slept for some while before. Will have the doctor to her for
there be surely something amiss in a woman who is not happy with me.
To my office and H. Nevil all excitement over his margins.
_October twenty-ninth_
Returned this day from a trip to the Coast and find my wife no better
although the doctor hath been with her each day. She saith the doctor
adviseth quiet until spring. Comes Mrs. Badminton her face all awry and
will that I go with her to Carlsbad and my affairs so many as never was
and never any lover of the sea. That which causeth me great vexation
that I have a wife and say flatly to Mrs. Badminton to ask the doctor if
he can not take her to Carlsbad any money being wiser than to travel
with oats where they be now and chicken feed going up to beat the band,
at which the good woman raiseth her hands aloft and maketh such
demonstration that I clean out of patience and basted her with the fire
shovel the same being not courteous but sadly necessary to all
appearance.
_November sixth_
My wife most nervous and there being no peace with Her did discuss the
same with Lasselle to-day and although unmarried yet did sympathize
much and advise for me with a right good will telling me of a place in
southern France where he hath been and the same beyond all else for the
nerves only lonely but that not so bad since he proposeth going there
this winter himself and can see after my wife somewhat the which greatly
to my relief and so home and did discourse thereon with Mistress
Badminton the which drew a long face and plain to see was dead against
the plan the which putting me in a fine temper with what a woman hath
for brains.
Wheat rising and A. B. & C. going down comes H. Nevil short to borrow
the which crowneth my fury his niece being so far from making me happy
and he being the cause of all. But did indorse two notes for him and so
home and to bed with a bad grace and glad that my wife has betaken
herself to another room.
_December ninth_
From the dock and my wife do be gone and now we may look for some peace
the which sad enough needed.
_December tenth_
Comes H. Nevil all distraught to say that it is about at the clubs that
my wife will have a divorce and marry the doctor, on the which hearing I
much annoyed and summon Mrs. Badminton who denyeth the doctor but
asserteth Lasselle whereupon we in a great taking and much brandy and
soda but at last reflection and do decide not to sue but to pity
Lasselle for of a verity she be forever out of temper and flounceth when
questioned.
To mine office and D. & E. going up comes H. Nevil to borrow again the
gall of which doth take me greatly.
_January seventeenth_
Am all of a taking for that the papers in my wife's divorce do be filed
into me this day and great to do when I learn that the cause she
declareth is Sarah Badminton a woman as little comely as never was and
mine own cousin. Verily the ways of a wife be past understanding.
_April eleventh_
Free this day and being free comes Mrs. Badminton weeping and declareth
she be ruined if I marry her not next the which doth so overcome me that
ere I have time to rally she hath kissed me and called me hers.
To my office with a heavy heart having no assurance of how this second
marriage will turn out and little hope but seeing H. Nevil with a long
face did refuse to give him any inside information the which led to his
going under about noon to my great joy for it was he who did get me in
this marrying habit.
_February first_
My birthday and Lord what eating and drinking the which being good
beyond compare my wife staying in the pantry to keep the whole in trim
and all my friends discoursing on my joy the which is truly great she
being so plain that a man will never look at her and so loving that she
adoreth me come smiles come frowns.
But that which doth astonish me much is that H. Nevil telleth me that
she that was once my wife is of exceeding content with Lasselle a piece
of news which I can scarce credit comparing him with myself.
But so wags the world.
THE PAINTERMINE[3]
BY KENYON COX
Its innocence deserves no jibe--
Pity the creature, do not mock it.
'Tis type of all the artist tribe;
Its trousers haven't any pocket!
[Footnote 3: From "Mixed Beasts," by Kenyon Cox. Copyright 1904, by Fox,
Duffield & Co.]
THE ADVERTISER
BY EUGENE FIELD
I am an advertiser great!
In letters bold
The praises of my wares I sound,
Prosperity is my estate;
The people come,
The people go
In one continuous,
Surging flow.
They buy my goods and come again
And I'm the happiest of men;
And this the reason I relate,
I'm an advertiser great!
There is a shop across the way
Where ne'er is heard a human tread,
Where trade is paralyzed and dead,
With ne'er a customer a day.
The people come,
The people go,
But never there.
They do not know
There's such a shop beneath the skies,
Because _he_ does not advertise!
While I with pleasure contemplate
That I'm an advertiser great.
The secret of my fortune lies
In one small fact, which I may state,
Too many tradesmen learn too late,
If I have goods, I advertise.
Then people come
And people go
In constant streams,
For people know
That he who has good wares to sell
Will surely advertise them well;
And proudly I reiterate,
I am an advertiser great!
THE FAMOUS MULLIGAN BALL
BY FRANK L. STANTON
Did ever you hear of the Mulligan ball--the Mulligan ball so fine,
Where we formed in ranks, and danced on planks, and swung 'em along
the line?
Where the first Four Hundred of the town moved at the music's call?
There was never a ball in the world at all--like the famous Mulligan
ball!
Town was a bit of a village then, and never a house or shed
From street to street and beat to beat was higher than Mulligan's
head!
And never a theater troup came round to 'liven us, spring or fall,
And so Mulligan's wife she says, says she: "Plaze God, I'll give a
ball!"
And she did--God rest her, and save her, too! (I'm liftin' to her
my hat!)
And never a ball at all, at all, was half as fine as that!
Never no invitations sent--nothin' like that at all;
But the whole Four Hundred combed their hair and went to the Mulligan
ball.
And "Take yer places!" says Mulligan, "an' dance till you shake the
wall!"
And I led Mrs. Mulligan off as the lady that gave the ball;
And we whirled around till we shook the ground, with never a stop at
all;
And I kicked the heels from my boots--please God--at the famous
Mulligan ball.
Mulligan jumped till he hit the roof, and the head of him went clean
through it!
The shingles fell on the floor pell-mell! Says Mulligan: "Faith, I
knew it!"
But we kept right on when the roof was gone, with never a break at
all;
We danced away till the break o' day at the famous Mulligan ball.
But the best of things must pass away like the flowers that fade and
fall,
And it's fifty years, as the records say, since we danced at
Mulligan's ball;
And the new Four Hundred never dance like the Mulligans danced--at
all,
And I'm longing still, though my hair is gray, for a ball like
Mulligan's ball!
And I drift in dreams to the old-time town, and I hear the fiddle
sing;
And Mulligan sashays up and down till the rafters rock and ring!
Suppose, if I had a woman's eye, maybe a tear would fall
For the old-time fellows who took the prize at the famous Mulligan
ball!
THE GENIAL IDIOT DISCUSSES THE MUSIC CURE
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
"Good morning, Doctor," said the Idiot as Capsule, M.D., entered the
dining-room. "I am mighty glad you've come. I've wanted for a long time
to ask you about this music cure that everybody is talking about and get
you if possible to write me out a list of musical nostrums for every day
use. I noticed last night before going to bed that my medicine chest was
about run out. There's nothing but one quinine pill and a soda-mint drop
in it, and if there's anything in the music cure I don't think I'll have
it filled again. I prefer Wagner to squills, and compared to the
delights of Mozart, Hayden and Offenbach those of paregoric are nit."
"Still rambling, eh?" vouchsafed the Doctor. "You ought to submit your
tongue to some scientific student of dynamics. I am inclined to think,
from my own observation of its ways, that it contains the germ of
perpetual motion."
"I will consider your suggestion," replied the Idiot. "Meanwhile, let us
consult harmoniously together on the original point. Is there anything
in this music cure, and is it true that our Medical Schools are
hereafter to have conservatories attached to them in which aspiring
young M.D.'s are to be taught the _materia musica_ in addition to the
_materia medica_?"