"FOR NUTS."--The origin of this curious phrase to indicate incompetence
in any pursuit or pastime--_e.g._, "He can't play for nuts," etc.--is
obscure; but its antiquity is incontestable. Thus one of the fragments
of ENNIUS runs: "_Nucibus non ludere possum_." Perhaps the most
plausible theory is that which views the phrase as a heritage from our
simian ancestors, among whom nuts were the common medium of exchange. On
this assumption a monkey--whether gorilla, chimpanzee, baboon or
orangutan--who was described as unable to do anything "for nuts,"
_i.e._, for pecuniary remuneration, was obviously inefficient. Another
explanation, which we believe is supported by Mr. EUSTACE MILES, scouts
the notion of an ancient origin of the phrase and fixes the _terminus a
quo_ by the recent introduction of vegetarian diet. Nuts being a prime
staple of the votaries of this cult, a person who cannot do anything
"for nuts" means, by implication, a carnivorous savage who is incapable
of progress. Lastly, there remains the ingenious solution that the
phrase as commonly employed involves a misspelling. It ought to be "four
nuts," and playing four nuts was an ancient but simple game, which may
be connected with the cognate phrase about knowing or not knowing "how
many beans make five."
* * * * *
POLLY PERKINS: WAS SHE A REAL PERSON?--A careful search in the registers
of Paddington in the early and mid-Victorian period reveals so many Mary
Perkinses as to render the task of identification peculiarly difficult.
It will be remembered, however, that the heroine of the famous ballad is
described as not only "little," but "pretty;" indeed, she is spoken of
as being "as beautiful as a butterfly and as proud as a queen." So far,
however, these clues to her appearance have yielded no solid results.
The representatives of the famous family of brewers have been unable to
throw any light on the subject, and an application to the managing
director of the London and General Omnibus Company has also proved
unproductive. (Polly Perkins "married the conductor of a twopenny
'bus.") Her brilliant appearance suggests a possible relationship with
Dr. PERKINS, the famous pioneer of the aniline dye industry; but this,
as well as the theory that she was a descendant of PERKIN WARBECK, is
mere surmise.
* * * * *
THE FIRST MAN WHO ATE AN OYSTER.--The most widely circulated account of
this feat is that which ascribes it to the notorious Roman epicure
Publius Esurius Gulo, who was nicknamed Bellipotens from the rotundity
of his figure. According to the account given in the _Gastronomica_ of
Voracius Bulbo (ii. 18) Gulo was always making daring experiments, and,
when bathing at Baiae on a very hot day, and seeing a bivalve which had
rashly opened its jaws in the sun, he dexterously inserted a stone and
conveyed the contents to his mouth on the point of the pin of his
_fibula_. He was subsequently created a proconsul by NERO. The only
drawback connected with this account is the fact that oysters were
recognised as delicacies in Rome at least a hundred years before NERO.
It is right to add that the genuineness of Bulbo's _Gastronomica_ has
been seriously impugned, the best authorities (including FRANCATELLI)
being convinced that the treatise was the work of a sixteenth-century
_farceur_ who belonged to the royal house of Paphlagonia.
* * * * *
PARLOUR PATHOS, SPECIMENS OF.--The best specimens of this interesting
emotional product are to be found in the words of Royalty Ballads. A
good instance is to be found in the following choice quatrain:--
Nature cares not whence or how,
Nature asks not why;
'Tis enough that thou art thou,
And that I am I.
* * * * *
COMPARATIVE COUPLETS.--The correct form of this literary disease is as
follows:--
A chair without a leg
Is like a hen without an egg.
But it is emphatically not to be encouraged, as excessive indulgence in
the habit has been known to lead to the break-up of happy homes.
* * * * *
NAMES OF GOLF CLUBS.--The latest addition to the list is, so far as we
are aware, the "Sammy," but efforts are being made to induce the St.
Andrews authorities to sanction the "Biffy," a combination of the
jigger and the baffy, and the "Duncher," a powerful weapon for
extricating the ball out of rushes, tar and other viscous lies.
* * * * *
THE JUGGINS FAMILY.--This family claims descent from Joskin ap Gwyggan,
the last native prince who ruled in Dwffryn. The earlier lines in the
descent are doubtful. The various families claiming to spring from
Joskin adopted different patronymics in the fifteenth and succeeding
centuries, amongst which may be noted Joskins, Gherkin, Guggenheimer,
and Gaga.
* * * * *
Illustration: THE OLD REFRAIN.
_First Old Lady._ "MY DEAR, WHAT _DO_ YOU THINK OF THIS WAR? ISN'T IT
TERRIBLE?"
_Second Old Lady._ "AWFUL! BUT IT CAN'T LAST LONG; _THE POWERS WILL
SURELY INTERVENE_."
* * * * *