Transcriber’s Note: Italic text is enclosed in _underscores_. Small
capital text has been changed to all capital. Additional notes will be
found near the end of this ebook.
THE SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLE’S THANKSGIVING
An Old Ladies’ Sociable
BY
MAUDE L. HALL
COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY DICK & FITZGERALD
[Illustration: Decorative Image.]
NEW YORK
DICK & FITZGERALD
18 ANN STREET
THE SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLE’S THANKSGIVING.
[Illustration: Decorative Image.]
CHARACTERS.
MRS. TATTLE _A widow. President of the Society_
MARY ANN GREEN _An old maid. Secretary_
GRANNY NODDLE _A deaf old Lady_
BETSEY NODDLE _Granny’s Granddaughter_
MRS. GOSSIP _The hostess_
PERCILLA PRIMP _A new member_
LOCALITY.--The Village of Scrubtown, N. H.
TIME OF REPRESENTATION--About thirty-five minutes.
NOTE:--Additional time may be filled out by the introduction of songs
and recitations suitable for the performers.
──────────────
COSTUMES.
GRANNY. Old, deaf and feeble. Dark calico dress, white handkerchief
pinned around her shoulders. Close-fitting lace cap with ends. Hair
gray. Spectacles. Black mittens. Cane. Knitting.
BETSEY. Old-fashioned dark calico gown. White mittens.
MRS. TATTLE. Black gown and mittens.
MARY ANN. Any old style. Hair in a knot at top of head, corkscrew on
each side.
MRS. GOSSIP. Any old-fashioned house dress.
PERCILLA. Gaudy-colored calico gown. Large common finger rings, chain,
locket, etc.
THE SCRUBTOWN SEWING CIRCLE’S THANKSGIVING.
──────────────
SCENE.--_A quiet country parlor._ MRS. TATTLE, _the president, seated
at left of stage_. MARY ANN, _the secretary, seated at small table
in front of the president. The four others on chairs diagonally at
right of stage_, BETSEY _in front_, GRANNY _next. All have sewing
or knitting in their hands except the president, and are talking
energetically._
MRS. TATTLE (_rising_). This here society will now please come to order.
(_The hubbub slackens, but two or three persist in disputing._)
MRS. T. (_stamping with foot_). ORDER! ORDER! (ALL _silent_) The first
thing on the program will be the readin’ of the minutes of last meetin’.
The sec’etary will please read the minutes.
MARY ANN GREEN (_rises, blows her nose loudly, clears her throat, then
reads_). Minutes of Scrubtown Sewin’ Circle, Nov. 22nd, 1909. Meetin’
held at Mrs. Tattle’s home; called to order by the president. Minutes of
last meetin’ read and improved.
GRANNY. Moved! Who’s moved?
BETSEY (_in a loud whisper_). Hush! Granny, she said _improved_.
GRANNY. Oh! she did, eh?
MISS GREEN (_glares at_ GRANNY, _then goes on_). It was moved by Miss
Percilla Primp, that seein’ as how the new Minister had just lost his
wife, that we make him a donation party, to help him in the care of his
poor, little, orphant children, and that the secretary be appointed to
take note of the proceedings and report at next meetin’. The motion was
seconded by Mrs. Gossip, and was adopted by the society.
GRANNY. Yes, we should have more piety in our meetin’s. Now, when I was
young and belonged to the Pumpkin Ridge Sewin’ Circle, we was awful
pious. We----
BETSEY. Hush! Granny!
GRANNY (_holding hand to ear_). Hey! Ye’ll have ter talk a leetle
louder. My hearin’ ain’t nigh so good as it was fifty years ago.
BETSEY. She said society. Not piety.
GRANNY. Oh! she did, eh?
MISS GREEN (_frowning_). It was further decided by this honorable
society, that as the next meetin’ would fall on Thanksgivin’ Day, that
we each tell what we have ter be thankful for; as it would help us ter
have a better spirit of gratitude toward our Maker and each other. After
our usual sewin’ was finished, and we had eat, we decided, that as there
was no further business to come before the society, we would adjourn
until Thanksgivin’, to meet at Mrs. Gossip’s house. (_Sits_)
MRS. TATTLE. If no one has no fault to find with these here minutes they
will stand as read. (_Waits a moment_) Well as we all seem to think they
are correct, they will stand improved. The first business this evening
will be to hear our secretary’s report of the Donation party.
MISS GREEN (_rises and reads from paper_). Havin’ been appointed to
report the proceedings at the Donation party, I beg to submit that we
all met at the time appointed at the Minister’s house, an’ seein’ his
recent bereavement, we offered him our condolements, and assured him
that anyone of us would be rejoiced to be a mother to his little ones.
The donations were various. Granny Noddle had got the idea that it was
to be a weddin’, an’ she brought an old slipper and a bag of rice.
Betsey brought a quart tin of lard. Mrs. Gossip, a pillowsham. Persilla
had persuaded Mr. Fitzpatrick to hand the Minister two dollars, for her
weddin’ fee in advance. Mrs. Tattle brought three pairs of her dead and
gone husband’s stockings, of her own knitting, and a hank of yarn to
darn the holes in ’em.
MRS. TATTLE. I’m sure the Minister must have been thankful. But Mary
Ann, you have forgotten to name _your_ gift.
PERCILLA. Not much! Nary forget! She laid on the table a paper of
hair-pins, ha! ha!
MARY ANN. It’s not to laugh. They will come in handy for his next.
PERCILLA. Wouldn’t you like the chance to claim ’em?
MARY ANN. You old cat!
MRS. TATTLE. Girls! GIRLS! For shame!
GRANNY (_explosively_). What’s that? What did you say, Mary Ann?
MARY ANN. Oh! Nothing particular.
GRANNY. Tickle her? Tickle who?
BETSEY. She said, _nothing particular_.
GRANNY. Oh! She did, eh?
MRS. TATTLE. The next thing in order will be to hear the testimonies of
thanks. Mrs. Gossip, as ye are the hostess, we will hear from you first.
MRS. GOSSIP (_talking through her nose and in a drawling tone_). Wal,
Miss President, I ain’t got much to be thankful fur; but I’m awful
thankful fur what I have got. Wal, first, I’m thankful that I’m alive,
and that John Henry is alive, and all of our children, includin’ Martha
Ellen, and Andrew Jackson, and Daniel Webster, and Samantha Ann, and
Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington, and the baby, we ain’t named
her yit, is all alive, (_dropping her voice_) for funerals do cost a
lot.
GRANNY. Half past five! (_Rising feebly_) Come, Betsey, we must be arter
gittin’ fur hum. I tell ye when it begins ter git cool in the evenin’s,
I want ter be at hum by the fire; fur it jist ’pears like every bit of
cold there is, jist gits inter my old jints. I tell ye rheumatiz is an
awful bad thing. (_Turns to_ MISS PRIMP) Do yer ever have rheumatiz,
Miss? (_Sits_)
MISS PRIMP (_snappishly_). No! you don’t need to think I’m that old.
BETSEY. Granny, what’s the matter with you. She didn’t say _five_, she
said _alive_.
GRANNY. Oh! She did, eh?
MRS. TATTLE. Miss Betsey, we’ll hear from you next.
BETSEY. Well, as Mrs. Gossip says, “I’m thankful that I’m alive.” I’m
thankful, too, that turkeys air so cheap; so Granny and me can have one
fur our Thanksgivin’ dinner. I tell you I’ve done lots of contrivin’ fur
to earn enough ter buy that air gobbler. I jist made up my mind last
year, when nobody invited us out to dinner, that Granny and me would
have the biggest turkey I could find fur this year; and that we would
eat it all ourselves. But then I have concluded, that I would invite the
new Minister over; fur he hain’t got no lovin’ companion ter look after
him now, an’ cook his dinner fur him. Well, I was goin’ ter tell you how
I got that air turkey. I made a lot of yeast and sold that at five cents
a quart. Then I saved all the eggs our old speckled hen laid fur two
months and sold them fur cash, and then I knitted five pairs of mittens
fur Deacon Jones’ children, and that jist made enough. And I jist put it
in our old chiny sugar bowl on the top shelf in the cupboard, an’ waited
until yisterday, when I went down to the market and bought that air
fowel; and I’ve got it on cookin’ now, so it would be sure an’ be done
fur five o’clock; fur that is when I told the Minister to be there. So
I’m thankful fur the last, that the good Lord gave me plenty of brains
to scheme with.
GRANNY. Yes that’s so, Betsey has got jist lots of brains.
MRS. TATTLE. Miss Percilla Primp, as ye have jist lately joined our
society, we’ll hear your Thanksgivin’ experience next.
MISS PRIMP. I say like Mrs. Gossip, “I’m thankful that I’m alive.” I am
also thankful the good Lord does not intend me to be an old maid.
MISS GREEN (_aside_). Imperdent wretch!
MISS PRIMP. For last night Mr. Leander Fitzpatrick asked me to share his
joys and his sorrows, his poverty and his wealth; and I told him “yes.”
I think any girl ought to be proud and thankful when she is rescued by
an adorable man from the terrors which await the life of an old maid,
and makes her the queen of his heart and home.
(NOTE.--_Just here the song_ “No one to Love, None to Caress,” _would
be appropriate_.)
And when I think of all this, I say, many, many thanks for savin’ me
from bein’ an old maid, oh, Lord!
GRANNY. Lard! did ye say? That makes me think, Betsey, we’ve got another
gallon of lard to sell. It is good, clean, pure lard, too; fur we
rendered it ourselves from that little Jersey pig we had killed t’other
day. (_To_ MISS PRIMP) Did yer want to buy some lard, Miss? Maybe
Leander would like some.
MISS PRIMP. No, I don’t!
MISS GREEN. You’re in luck, Percilla, better late than never.
MISS PRIMP (_aside_). Old cat!
MRS. TATTLE. Well, Granny, ye ain’t told _your_ story yit. We will now
be glad to hear from you.
GRANNY (_in a cracked trembling voice_). It seems ter be the fashion ter
say, “I’m glad that I’m alive,” so I’ll say it, tew. Wal, like Mrs.
Gossip, “I’m glad, that I’m alive.” Although I’m approachin’ my
eighty-second year, I yit am almost as spry as a cricket, and I’m
thankful fur it, tew. (_Rises, hands her cane to_ BETSEY, _spreads her
skirt with both hands, makes a tottering courtesy and a few funny
attempts at dance steps_. ALL _applaud_)
BETSEY (_rises, takes hold of_ GRANNY). Granny! (_Seats her_)
GRANNY. But whenever the good Lord calls me ter go, I’m ready and
willin’; fur I’ve tried ter live a good life, so that, when I hear his
gentle voice a callin’ me, an’ I leave this yarth to come back no more,
and he takes me by the hand an’ leads me, oh, so gently, through the
dark valley of death, an’ when I reach the pearly gates of that
beautiful city, an’ can hear the angels singin’ oh, so sweetly, an’ all
my dear, departed, loved ones a callin’ tew me from the shinin’ palace
of the Lord; then I know my tremblin’ old voice will grow clear an’
sweet ag’in, an’ I can sweetly sing the praises of Him, who has carried
my cross fur me these many years, an’ at last I will be at rest.
MRS. TATTLE. Wal, Granny, you seem ter have a faith, that is nigh about
wonderful to behold, an’ we all love you, dear old soul. Miss Mary Ann
Green, we will now hear from you.
MISS GREEN. Like Mrs. Gossip, I’m thankful that I’m alive. I wish, that
I could have the faith that Granny has got; but it jist seems like I
never will have, fur livin’ all alone by myself as I do, an’ bein’
pestered as I am by the horrid boys, I jist can’t cultivate an angelic
spirit. But last night I got the best of my temper. When school was out
an’ I was out a pilin’ up my pumpkins, them boys come by an’ begun to
yell, “pickles,” “old maid fur sale,” an’ the like. An’ one actually
made fun of my curls. He said, “boys, look at the old gal’s curls.
Regular cork-screws, ain’t they?” Then they all giggled. Anybody with
eyes can see, that my curls are real attractive an’ becomin’. (_Tenderly
pats her curls_)
MARY ANN (_aside to_ MRS. TATTLE). I hope she’s pinned ’em on tight.
(_Giggles_)
MISS GREEN. One of them varmints of boys, then throwed a stone at my cat
an’ missed it an’ hit the cage that my parrot was in, an’ upset it an’
nearly scared the poor bird into a spasam. I was jist gittin’ ready ter
throw a pumpkin at ’em, when somethin’ seemed ter whisper right in my
ear, “Hold yer temper, Mary Ann, hold yer temper.” An’ I jist said ter
myself, “I will.” So I did, an’ I’m thankful fur it, tew.
MRS. TATTLE. That was quite a glorious victory under the circumstances,
Mary Ann. I have often wondered why you didn’t get married, you must
have had chances.
MISS GREEN. When I was young an’ started teachin’ school, I didn’t care
to take any chances. I wanted a sure thing, and young men ain’t to be
depended upon. There was James Binny, for instance; “I love you,” sez
he, “an’ I would go to the world’s end fur you.” “You would _not_ go to
the end of the world for me, James,” sez I. “The world,” sez I, “is
round like a ball. One of the first lessons in geography is devoted to
the shape of the globe. You must have studied it when you were a boy.”
“Of course I did,” sez he, “but--” “It is no longer a theory,” sez I,
“it is an established fact.” “I knew it,” sez he, “but what I meant was
that I would do anything to please you. Oh! Mary Ann,” sez he, “if you
knew the achin’ void--” “Void, James,” sez I, “there is no such thing as
a void. Nature abhors a vacuum,” sez I, “but even admitting that there
could be such a thing, how could the void you speak of _be_ a void if
there was an ache in it?” “Well,” sez he, “I’ve money in the savings
bank,” sez he, “and I want you to be my wife,--there!” “That might make
a difference,” sez I, “to _some_ gals, but not to _me_. You can take
your savings bank off, and yourself too, I’m not a bargain counter.” An’
he went.
MRS. TATTLE. Good for you! Mary Ann, that was plucky. I guess ye are all
through now, but me. I will now proceed ter give my experience. I say
with Mrs. Gossip, I’m thankful that I’m alive; an’ bein’ a lone widder
as I am, I’m thankful that the good Lord gave me good looks--
GRANNY. Books! Do ye want tew borrow some books, Mrs. Tattle? We’ve got
some extra fine ones at hum in our book-cupboard. One is a most mighty
interestin’ one, tew. It tells all about a man, that got jealous of
another man, jist because t’other man--
BETSEY. Hush, granny; she said _looks_.
GRANNY. Oh! she did, eh?
MRS. TATTLE. --and as long as I have ter wear black ter mourn Joshua,
I’m glad that it is so becomin’. I am thankful, tew, that as long as
Joshua had ter die, that he left me a little pile of money. It makes
one’s chances so much better with the sterner sex. Fur I believe as
young as I am, it would be goin’ agin the Lord’s will fur me ter stay
single, when I can see it’s my bounden duty ter make home nice an’
comfortable fur some man. So whenever the Lord sees fit ter send me
another husband, I will try and do my duty by him; no matter who it may
be, an’ thank the Lord fur it. I guess that is all I can think on now;
so if none of ye can think of any other business ter come before this
here society, we will stand adjourned to meet in one week at the home of
Granny Noddle. Ye may now stand adjourned. Let us sing our evening hymn.
(_All rise._)
AIR--“LONG, LONG AGO.”
Don’t we remember the days we were young,
Long, long ago--
Long, long ago.
The fun that we had and the songs that were sung,
Long, long ago,
Long, long ago.
Now we are older, but should not complain.
Wouldn’t we just love to live over again
All of the youthful pleasure and pain
Of Long, Long ago, Long ago.
(_All together_) WE WOULD!!
(_All face audience_)
Now to amuse you we’ve all done our best
(_Refrain sung hummed with mouths closed._)
So we are soon going home to our rest.
(_Refrain as before._)
We know we are guilty of shamming, we fear,
We are not so old as we’ve tried to appear.
But just to amuse you ’tis surely all right.
And so we all wish you “Goodnight.”
CURTAIN.
NEW PLAYS
WIDOW’S WILES, A. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by EMILIE H. CALLAWAY. 7
male, 8 female characters. 3 interior scenes. Time of performance, 2
hours. An apparently simple plot, but involving unexpected complications
which arouse the keenest interest in the fate of the leading characters.
_Ted_ and _Doris_ are engaged. _Ted_ is persuaded to save his chum,
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regains his freedom, explanations follow, and _Doris_ at last
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friendship. The characters of _Ted_, and the _Widow_ afford fine
opportunity for portrayal of widely contrasted individuality.
TWO BURGLARS, The. 25 cents. A farce in 2 acts, by WILLIAM BRIAN HOOKER.
3 male, 3 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, an hour and a half.
Two young society men, each with an independent object, personate
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ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 25 cents. A brilliant melodrama in 4 acts, by
CHARLES TOWNSEND. 9 male, 3 female characters; or, by doubling, 6 males.
1 exterior, 3 interior scenes. Time, 2 hours. A realistic succession of
startling adventures of a “Herald” reporter during the Cuban
insurrection in 1898, during a series of events supposed to have
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DELEGATES FROM DENVER, The. 25 cents. A farcical comedy in 2 acts, by
SAMUEL N. CLARK. 3 male, 10 female characters. 2 interior scenes. Time,
45 minutes. _Margaret_ is a candidate for president of the Eta Pi
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defers her answer, as she purposes if elected to devote her whole time
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including some other pleasant _dénouements_. The action is absurdly
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RAINBOW KIMONA, The. 25 cents. A comedy for girls in 2 acts, by ELEANOR
MAUD CRANE. 9 female characters. 1 interior scene. Time, an hour and a
half. The Rainbow Kimona is a club composed of seven of the Senior Class
of Miss Penelope Wright’s Collegiate School, each member wearing a
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kind in its absurdities and originality of conception.
LITTLE RED MARE, The. 15 cents. A farce in 1 act, by O. E. YOUNG. 3 male
characters, 1 interior scene. Time, about 35 minutes. The little red
mare and a very deaf farmer’s red-headed daughter are both named
_Nellie_. A dude is after the daughter, and a horse-dealer wants the
mare. The farmer mistakes the one for the other, and the way he gets the
two claimants muddled in his criss-cross description of the two
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what he hears aids in clearing up the muddle.
FUN IN A SCHOOL ROOM. 15 cents. A farcical sketch in 1 act and 1
interior scene, by HARRY E. SHELLAND. 4 male characters, a Dutch-dialect
teacher, and 3 pupils consisting of a young Bowery tough, a Hebrew boy,
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JOSIAH’S COURTSHIP
_A FARCICAL COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS, BY HORACE C. DALE._
PRICE 25 CENTS
Six male, five female characters, eccentric old man, leading gentleman,
genteel heavy, walking gentleman, juvenile comedy, Irish and Ethiopian
comedy, eccentric old maid, leading lady, walking lady, and soubrette.
Striking “situations,” climax at act-endings, merriment and pathos. Can
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SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS.
ACT I.--Parlor at Priscilla Brown’s. A kettle of fish. A mistaken
embrace and a total eclipse. A dusky prophet. The girl’s compact. “I’s
wid yo’, pard, ebery time.” Sharp, the detective. The “angel” gives some
good advice. A wronged and childless widow. The rival suitors. Jeff’s
plans begin to work. “Curse you, I’ll----” Consternation. Picture.