SCENE I

Produced by Judy Boss

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

By Nicolay Gogol

A comedy in five acts

Translated by Thomas Seltzer from the Russian

INTRODUCTION

The Inspector-General is a national institution. To place a purely

literary valuation upon it and call it the greatest of Russian comedies

would not convey the significance of its position either in Russian

literature or in Russian life itself. There is no other single work in

the modern literature of any language that carries with it the wealth of

associations which the Inspector-General does to the educated Russian.

The Germans have their Faust; but Faust is a tragedy with a cosmic

philosophic theme. In England it takes nearly all that is implied in the

comprehensive name of Shakespeare to give the same sense of bigness that

a Russian gets from the mention of the Revizor.

That is not to say that the Russian is so defective in the critical

faculty as to balance the combined creative output of the greatest

English dramatist against Gogol's one comedy, or even to attribute to

it the literary value of any of Shakespeare's better plays. What the

Russian's appreciation indicates is the pregnant role that literature

plays in the life of intellectual Russia. Here literature is not a

luxury, not a diversion. It is bone of the bone, flesh of the flesh, not

only of the intelligentsia, but also of a growing number of the common

people, intimately woven into their everyday existence, part and parcel

of their thoughts, their aspirations, their social, political and

economic life. It expresses their collective wrongs and sorrows, their

collective hopes and strivings. Not only does it serve to lead the

movements of the masses, but it is an integral component element of

those movements. In a word, Russian literature is completely bound up

with the life of Russian society, and its vitality is but the measure of

the spiritual vitality of that society.

This unique character of Russian literature may be said to have had its

beginning with the Inspector-General. Before Gogol most Russian writers,

with few exceptions, were but weak imitators of foreign models.

The drama fashioned itself chiefly upon French patterns. The

Inspector-General and later Gogol's novel, Dead Souls, established that

tradition in Russian letters which was followed by all the great writers

from Dostoyevsky down to Gorky.

As with one blow, Gogol shattered the notions of the theatre-going

public of his day of what a comedy should be. The ordinary idea of a

play at that time in Russia seems to have been a little like our

own tired business man's. And the shock the Revizor gave those early

nineteenth-century Russian audiences is not unlike the shocks we

ourselves get when once in a while a theatrical manager is courageous

enough to produce a bold modern European play. Only the intensity of

the shock was much greater. For Gogol dared not only bid defiance to the

accepted method; he dared to introduce a subject-matter that under the

guise of humor audaciously attacked the very foundation of the state,

namely, the officialdom of the Russian bureaucracy. That is why the

Revizor marks such a revolution in the world of Russian letters. In form

it was realistic, in substance it was vital. It showed up the rottenness

and corruption of the instruments through which the Russian government

functioned. It held up to ridicule, directly, all the officials of

a typical Russian municipality, and, indirectly, pointed to the same

system of graft and corruption among the very highest servants of the

crown.

What wonder that the Inspector-General became a sort of comedy-epic in

the land of the Czars, the land where each petty town-governor is almost

an absolute despot, regulating his persecutions and extortions according

to the sage saying of the town-governor in the play, "That's the way God

made the world, and the Voltairean free-thinkers can talk against it

all they like, it won't do any good." Every subordinate in the town

administration, all the way down the line to the policemen, follow--not

always so scrupulously--the law laid down by the same authority, "Graft

no higher than your rank." As in city and town, so in village and

hamlet. It is the tragedy of Russian life, which has its roots in that

more comprehensive tragedy, Russian despotism, the despotism that gives

the sharp edge to official corruption. For there is no possible redress

from it except in violent revolutions.

That is the prime reason why the Inspector-General, a mere comedy, has

such a hold on the Russian people and occupies so important a place

in Russian literature. And that is why a Russian critic says, "Russia

possesses only one comedy, the Inspector-General."

The second reason is the brilliancy and originality with which this

national theme was executed. Gogol was above all else the artist. He was

not a radical, nor even a liberal. He was strictly conservative. While

hating the bureaucracy, yet he never found fault with the system

itself or with the autocracy. Like most born artists, he was strongly

individualistic in temperament, and his satire and ridicule were aimed

not at causes, but at effects. Let but the individuals act morally, and

the system, which Gogol never questioned, would work beautifully. This

conception caused Gogol to concentrate his best efforts upon delineation

of character. It was the characters that were to be revealed, their

actions to be held up to scorn and ridicule, not the conditions which

created the characters and made them act as they did. If any lesson at

all was to be drawn from the play it was not a sociological lesson, but

a moral one. The individual who sees himself mirrored in it may be moved

to self-purgation; society has nothing to learn from it.

Yet the play lives because of the social message it carries. The

creation proved greater than the creator. The author of the Revizor was

a poor critic of his own work. The Russian people rejected his

estimate and put their own upon it. They knew their officials and they

entertained no illusions concerning their regeneration so long as the

system that bred them continued to live. Nevertheless, as a keen satire

and a striking exposition of the workings of the hated system itself,

they hailed the Revizor with delight. And as such it has remained graven

in Russia's conscience to this day.

It must be said that "Gogol himself grew with the writing of the

Revizor." Always a careful craftsman, scarcely ever satisfied with the

first version of a story or a play, continually changing and rewriting,

he seems to have bestowed special attention on perfecting this comedy.

The subject, like that of Dead Souls, was suggested to him by the poet

Pushkin, and was based on a true incident. Pushkin at once recognized

Gogol's genius and looked upon the young author as the rising star

of Russian literature. Their acquaintance soon ripened into intimate

friendship, and Pushkin missed no opportunity to encourage and stimulate

him in his writings and help him with all the power of his great

influence. Gogol began to work on the play at the close of 1834, when he

was twenty-five years old. It was first produced in St. Petersburg,

in 1836. Despite the many elaborations it had undergone before Gogol

permitted it to be put on the stage, he still did not feel satisfied,

and he began to work on it again in 1838. It was not brought down to its

present final form until 1842.

Thus the Revizor occupied the mind of the author over a period of

eight years, and resulted in a product which from the point of view of

characterization and dramatic technique is almost flawless. Yet far

more important is the fact that the play marked an epoch in Gogol's own

literary development. When he began on it, his ambitions did not rise

above making it a comedy of pure fun, but, gradually, in the course of

his working on it, the possibilities of the subject unfolded themselves

and influenced his entire subsequent career. His art broadened and

deepened and grew more serious. If Pushkin's remark, that "behind his

laughter you feel the sad tears," is true of some of Gogol's former

productions, it is still truer of the Revizor and his later works.

A new life had begun for him, he tells us himself, when he was no longer

"moved by childish notions, but by lofty ideas full of truth." "It was

Pushkin," he writes, "who made me look at the thing seriously. I saw

that in my writings I laughed vainly, for nothing, myself not knowing

why. If I was to laugh, then I had better laugh over things that are

really to be laughed at. In the Inspector-General I resolved to gather

together all the bad in Russia I then knew into one heap, all the

injustice that was practised in those places and in those human

relations in which more than in anything justice is demanded of men, and

to have one big laugh over it all. But that, as is well known, produced

an outburst of excitement. Through my laughter, which never before came

to me with such force, the reader sensed profound sorrow. I myself

felt that my laughter was no longer the same as it had been, that in my

writings I could no longer be the same as in the past, and that the need

to divert myself with innocent, careless scenes had ended along with my

young years."

With the strict censorship that existed in the reign of Czar Nicholas I,

it required powerful influence to obtain permission for the production

of the comedy. This Gogol received through the instrumentality of

his friend, Zhukovsky, who succeeded in gaining the Czar's personal

intercession. Nicholas himself was present at the first production in

April, 1836, and laughed and applauded, and is said to have remarked,

"Everybody gets it, and I most of all."

Naturally official Russia did not relish this innovation in dramatic

art, and indignation ran high among them and their supporters. Bulgarin

led the attack. Everything that is usually said against a new departure

in literature or art was said against the Revizor. It was not original.

It was improbable, impossible, coarse, vulgar; lacked plot. It turned

on a stale anecdote that everybody knew. It was a rank farce. The

characters were mere caricatures. "What sort of a town was it that did

not hold a single honest soul?"

Gogol's sensitive nature shrank before the tempest that burst upon him,

and he fled from his enemies all the way out of Russia. "Do what you

please about presenting the play in Moscow," he writes to Shchepkin four

days after its first production in St. Petersburg. "I am not going to

bother about it. I am sick of the play and all the fussing over it. It

produced a great noisy effect. All are against me... they abuse me and

go to see it. No tickets can be obtained for the fourth performance."

But the best literary talent of Russia, with Pushkin and Bielinsky, the

greatest critic Russia has produced, at the head, ranged itself on his

side.

Nicolay Vasilyevich Gogol was born in Sorochintzy, government of

Poltava, in 1809. His father was a Little Russian, or Ukrainian,

landowner, who exhibited considerable talent as a playwright and actor.

Gogol was educated at home until the age of ten, then went to Niezhin,

where he entered the gymnasium in 1821. Here he edited a students'

manuscript magazine called the Star, and later founded a students'

theatre, for which he was both manager and actor. It achieved such

success that it was patronized by the general public.

In 1829 Gogol went to St. Petersburg, where he thought of becoming

an actor, but he finally gave up the idea and took a position as a

subordinate government clerk. His real literary career began in 1830

with the publication of a series of stories of Little Russian country

life called Nights on a Farm near Dikanka. In 1831 he became acquainted

with Pushkin and Zhukovsky, who introduced the "shy Khokhol" (nickname

for "Little Russian"), as he was called, to the house of Madame O.

A. Smirnov, the centre of "an intimate circle of literary men and the

flower of intellectual society." The same year he obtained a position as

instructor of history at the Patriotic Institute, and in 1834 was made

professor of history at the University of St. Petersburg. Though his

lectures were marked by originality and vivid presentation, he seems on

the whole not to have been successful as a professor, and he resigned in

1835.

During this period he kept up his literary activity uninterruptedly, and

in 1835 published his collection of stories, Mirgorod, containing

How Ivan Ivanovich Quarreled with Ivan Nikiforovich, Taras Bulba, and

others. This collection firmly established his position as a leading

author. At the same time he was at work on several plays. The Vladimir

Cross, which was to deal with the higher St. Petersburg functionaries

in the same way as the Revizor with the lesser town officials, was never

concluded, as Gogol realized the impossibility of placing them on the

Russian stage. A few strong scenes were published. The comedy Marriage,

finished in 1835, still finds a place in the Russian theatrical

repertoire. The Gamblers, his only other complete comedy, belongs to a

later period.

After a stay abroad, chiefly in Italy, lasting with some interruptions

for seven years (1836-1841), he returned to his native country, bringing

with him the first part of his greatest work, Dead Souls. The novel,

published the following year, produced a profound impression and made

Gogol's literary reputation supreme. Pushkin, who did not live to see

its publication, on hearing the first chapters read, exclaimed, "God,

how sad our Russia is!" And Alexander Hertzen characterized it as

"a wonderful book, a bitter, but not hopeless rebuke of contemporary

Russia." Aksakov went so far as to call it the Russian national epic,

and Gogol the Russian Homer.

Unfortunately the novel remained incomplete. Gogol began to suffer

from a nervous illness which induced extreme hypochondria. He became

excessively religious, fell under the influence of pietists and a

fanatical priest, sank more and more into mysticism, and went on a

pilgrimage to Jerusalem to worship at the Holy Sepulchre. In this

state of mind he came to consider all literature, including his own, as

pernicious and sinful.

After burning the manuscript of the second part of Dead Souls, he began

to rewrite it, had it completed and ready for the press by 1851, but

kept the copy and burned it again a few days before his death (1852), so

that it is extant only in parts.

THOMAS SELTZER.

CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY

ANTON ANTONOVICH SKVOZNIK-DMUKHANOVSKY, the

Governor.

ANNA ANDREYEVNA, his wife.

MARYA ANTONOVNA, his daughter.

LUKA LUKICH KHLOPOV, the Inspector of Schools.

His Wife.

AMMOS FIODOROVICH LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN, the Judge.

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH ZEMLIANIKA, the Superintendent of

Charities.

IVAN KUZMICH SHPEKIN, the Postmaster.

PIOTR IVANOVICH DOBCHINSKY. }

PIOTR IVANOVICH BOBCHINSKY. } Country Squires.

IVAN ALEKSANDROVICH KHLESTAKOV, an official from St.

Petersburg.

OSIP, his servant.

CHRISTIAN IVANOVICH HUeBNER, the district Doctor.

FIODR ANDREYEVICH LULIUKOV. } ex-officials,

}esteemed

IVAN LAZAREVICH RASTAKOVSKY. }personages

STEPAN IVANOVICH KOROBKIN. }of the town.

STEPAN ILYICH UKHOVERTOV, the Police Captain.

SVISTUNOV. }

PUGOVITZYN. }Police Sergeants.

DERZHIMORDA. }

ABDULIN, a Merchant.

FEVRONYA PETROVA POSHLIOPKINA, the Locksmith's wife.

The Widow of a non-commissioned Officer.

MISHKA, the Governor's Servant.

Servant at the Inn.

Guests, Merchants, Citizens, and Petitioners.

CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES

DIRECTIONS FOR ACTORS

THE GOVERNOR.--A man grown old in the service, by no means a fool in his

own way. Though he takes bribes, he carries himself with dignity. He is

of a rather serious turn and even given somewhat to ratiocination. He

speaks in a voice neither too loud nor too low and says neither too much

nor too little. Every word of his counts. He has the typical hard stern

features of the official who has worked his way up from the lowest rank

in the arduous government service. Coarse in his inclinations, he passes

rapidly from fear to joy, from servility to arrogance. He is dressed in

uniform with frogs and wears Hessian boots with spurs. His hair with a

sprinkling of gray is close-cropped.

ANNA ANDREYEVNA.--A provincial coquette, still this side of middle age,

educated on novels and albums and on fussing with household affairs and

servants. She is highly inquisitive and has streaks of vanity. Sometimes

she gets the upper hand over her husband, and he gives in simply because

at the moment he cannot find the right thing to say. Her ascendency,

however, is confined to mere trifles and takes the form of lecturing and

twitting. She changes her dress four times in the course of the play.

KHLESTAKOV.--A skinny young man of about twenty-three, rather stupid,

being, as they say, "without a czar in his head," one of those persons

called an "empty vessel" in the government offices. He speaks and acts

without stopping to think and utterly lacks the power of concentration.

The words burst from his mouth unexpectedly. The more naivete

and ingenousness the actor puts into the character the better will he

sustain the role. Khlestakov is dressed in the latest fashion.

OSIP.--A typical middle-aged servant, grave in his address, with eyes

always a bit lowered. He is argumentative and loves to read sermons

directed at his master. His voice is usually monotonous. To his master

his tone is blunt and sharp, with even a touch of rudeness. He is the

cleverer of the two and grasps a situation more quickly. But he does not

like to talk. He is a silent, uncommunicative rascal. He wears a shabby

gray or blue coat.

BOBCHINSKY AND DOBCHINSKY.--Short little fellows, strikingly like

each other. Both have small paunches, and talk rapidly, with emphatic

gestures of their hands, features and bodies. Dobchinsky is slightly

the taller and more subdued in manner. Bobchinsky is freer, easier and

livelier. They are both exceedingly inquisitive.

LIAPKIN-TIAPKIN.--He has read four or five books and so is a bit of

a freethinker. He is always seeing a hidden meaning in things and

therefore puts weight into every word he utters. The actor should

preserve an expression of importance throughout. He speaks in a bass

voice, with a prolonged rattle and wheeze in his throat, like an

old-fashioned clock, which buzzes before it strikes.

ZEMLIANIKA.--Very fat, slow and awkward; but for all that a sly, cunning

scoundrel. He is very obliging and officious.

SHPEKIN.--Guileless to the point of simplemindedness. The other

characters require no special explanation, as their originals can be met

almost anywhere.

The actors should pay especial attention to the last scene. The last

word uttered must strike all at once, suddenly, like an electric shock.

The whole group should change its position at the same instant. The

ladies must all burst into a simultaneous cry of astonishment, as if

with one throat. The neglect of these directions may ruin the whole

effect.

THE INSPECTOR-GENERAL

ACT I

A Room in the Governor's House.

SCENE I

Anton Antonovich, the Governor, Artemy Filippovich, the Superintendent

of Charities, Luka Lukich, the Inspector of Schools, Ammos Fiodorovich,

the Judge, Stepan Ilyich, Christian Ivanovich, the Doctor, and two

Police Sergeants.

GOVERNOR. I have called you together, gentlemen, to tell you an

unpleasant piece of news. An Inspector-General is coming.

AMMOS FIOD. What, an Inspector-General?

ARTEMY FIL. What, an Inspector-General?

GOVERNOR. Yes, an Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with

secret instructions, too.

AMMOS. A pretty how-do-you-do!

ARTEMY. As if we hadn't enough trouble without an Inspector!

LUKA LUKICH. Good Lord! With secret instructions!

GOVERNOR. I had a sort of presentiment of it. Last night I kept dreaming

of two rats--regular monsters! Upon my word, I never saw the likes of

them--black and supernaturally big. They came in, sniffed, and then went

away.--Here's a letter I'll read to you--from Andrey Ivanovich. You

know him, Artemy Filippovich. Listen to what he writes: "My dear

friend, godfather and benefactor--[He mumbles, glancing rapidly down the

page.]--and to let you know"--Ah, that's it--"I hasten to let you know,

among other things, that an official has arrived here with instructions

to inspect the whole government, and your district especially. [Raises

his finger significantly.] I have learned of his being here from highly

trustworthy sources, though he pretends to be a private person. So, as

you have your little peccadilloes, you know, like everybody else--you

are a sensible man, and you don't let the good things that come your

way slip by--" [Stopping] H'm, that's his junk--"I advise you to take

precautions, as he may arrive any hour, if he hasn't already, and is not

staying somewhere incognito.--Yesterday--" The rest are family matters.

"Sister Anna Krillovna is here visiting us with her husband. Ivan

Krillovich has grown very fat and is always playing the fiddle"--et

cetera, et cetera. So there you have the situation we are confronted

with, gentlemen.

AMMOS. An extraordinary situation, most extraordinary! Something behind

it, I am sure.

LUKA. But why, Anton Antonovich? What for? Why should we have an

Inspector?

GOVERNOR. It's fate, I suppose. [Sighs.] Till now, thank goodness, they

have been nosing about in other towns. Now our turn has come.

AMMOS. My opinion is, Anton Antonovich, that the cause is a deep one

and rather political in character. It means this, that Russia--yes--that

Russia intends to go to war, and the Government has secretly

commissioned an official to find out if there is any treasonable

activity anywhere.

GOVERNOR. The wise man has hit on the very thing. Treason in this little

country town! As if it were on the frontier! Why, you might gallop three

years away from here and reach nowhere.

AMMOS. No, you don't catch on--you don't--The Government is shrewd. It

makes no difference that our town is so remote. The Government is on the

look-out all the same--

GOVERNOR [cutting him short]. On the look-out, or not on the look-out,

anyhow, gentlemen, I have given you warning. I have made some

arrangements for myself, and I advise you to do the same. You

especially, Artemy Filippovich. This official, no doubt, will want first

of all to inspect your department. So you had better see to it that

everything is in order, that the night-caps are clean, and the patients

don't go about as they usually do, looking as grimy as blacksmiths.

ARTEMY. Oh, that's a small matter. We can get night-caps easily enough.

GOVERNOR. And over each bed you might hang up a placard stating in Latin

or some other language--that's your end of it, Christian Ivanovich--the

name of the disease, when the patient fell ill, the day of the week

and the month. And I don't like your invalids to be smoking such strong

tobacco. It makes you sneeze when you come in. It would be better, too,

if there weren't so many of them. If there are a large number, it

will instantly be ascribed to bad supervision or incompetent medical

treatment.

ARTEMY. Oh, as to treatment, Christian Ivanovich and I have worked out

our own system. Our rule is: the nearer to nature the better. We use

no expensive medicines. A man is a simple affair. If he dies, he'd die

anyway. If he gets well, he'd get well anyway. Besides, the doctor would

have a hard time making the patients understand him. He doesn't know a

word of Russian.

The Doctor gives forth a sound intermediate between M and A.

GOVERNOR. And you, Ammos Fiodorovich, had better look to the courthouse.

The attendants have turned the entrance hall where the petitioners

usually wait into a poultry yard, and the geese and goslings go poking

their beaks between people's legs. Of course, setting up housekeeping is

commendable, and there is no reason why a porter shouldn't do it. Only,

you see, the courthouse is not exactly the place for it. I had meant to

tell you so before, but somehow it escaped my memory.

AMMOS. Well, I'll have them all taken into the kitchen to-day. Will you

come and dine with me?

GOVERNOR. Then, too, it isn't right to have the courtroom littered up

with all sorts of rubbish--to have a hunting-crop lying right among the

papers on your desk. You're fond of sport, I know, still it's better to

have the crop removed for the present. When the Inspector is gone, you

may put it back again. As for your assessor, he's an educated man, to

be sure, but he reeks of spirits, as if he had just emerged from a

distillery. That's not right either. I had meant to tell you so long

ago, but something or other drove the thing out of my mind. If his

odor is really a congenital defect, as he says, then there are ways of

remedying it. You might advise him to eat onion or garlic, or something

of the sort. Christian Ivanovich can help him out with some of his

nostrums.

The Doctor makes the same sound as before.

AMMOS. No, there's no cure for it. He says his nurse struck him when he

was a child, and ever since he has smelt of vodka.

GOVERNOR. Well, I just wanted to call your attention to it. As regards

the internal administration and what Andrey Ivanovich in his letter

calls "little peccadilloes," I have nothing to say. Why, of course,

there isn't a man living who hasn't some sins to answer for. That's the

way God made the world, and the Voltairean freethinkers can talk against

it all they like, it won't do any good.

AMMOS. What do you mean by sins? Anton Antonovich? There are sins and

sins. I tell everyone plainly that I take bribes. I make no bones about

it. But what kind of bribes? White greyhound puppies. That's quite a

different matter.

GOVERNOR. H'm. Bribes are bribes, whether puppies or anything else.

AMMOS. Oh, no, Anton Antonovich. But if one has a fur overcoat worth

five hundred rubles, and one's wife a shawl--

GOVERNOR. [testily]. And supposing greyhound puppies are the only bribes

you take? You're an atheist, you never go to church, while I at least am

a firm believer and go to church every Sunday. You--oh, I know you. When

you begin to talk about the Creation it makes my flesh creep.

AMMOS. Well, it's a conclusion I've reasoned out with my own brain.

GOVERNOR. Too much brain is sometimes worse than none at all.--However,

I merely mentioned the courthouse. I dare say nobody will ever look at

it. It's an enviable place. God Almighty Himself seems to watch over it.

But you, Luka Lukich, as inspector of schools, ought to have an eye on

the teachers. They are very learned gentlemen, no doubt, with a college

education, but they have funny habits--inseparable from the profession,

I know. One of them, for instance, the man with the fat face--I forget

his name--is sure, the moment he takes his chair, to screw up his face

like this. [Imitates him.] And then he has a trick of sticking his hand

under his necktie and smoothing down his beard. It doesn't matter, of

course, if he makes a face at the pupils; perhaps it's even necessary.

I'm no judge of that. But you yourself will admit that if he does it to

a visitor, it may turn out very badly. The Inspector, or anyone else,

might take it as meant for himself, and then the deuce knows what might

come of it.

LUKA. But what can I do? I have told him about it time and again. Only

the other day when the marshal of the nobility came into the class-room,

he made such a face at him as I had never in my life seen before. I

dare say it was with the best intentions; But I get reprimanded for

permitting radical ideas to be instilled in the minds of the young.

GOVERNOR. And then I must call your attention to the history teacher. He

has a lot of learning in his head and a store of facts. That's evident.

But he lectures with such ardor that he quite forgets himself. Once

I listened to him. As long as he was talking about the Assyrians

and Babylonians, it was not so bad. But when he reached Alexander of

Macedon, I can't describe what came over him. Upon my word, I thought a

fire had broken out. He jumped down from the platform, picked up a chair

and dashed it to the floor. Alexander of Macedon was a hero, it is true.

But that's no reason for breaking chairs. The state must bear the cost.

LUKA. Yes, he is a hot one. I have spoken to him about it several times.

He only says: "As you please, but in the cause of learning I will even

sacrifice my life."

GOVERNOR. Yes, it's a mysterious law of fate. Your clever man is either

a drunkard, or he makes such grimaces that you feel like running away.

LUKA. Ah, Heaven save us from being in the educational department! One's

afraid of everything. Everybody meddles and wants to show that he is as

clever as you.

GOVERNOR. Oh, that's nothing. But this cursed incognito! All of a sudden

he'll look in: "Ah, so you're here, my dear fellows! And who's the judge

here?" says he. "Liapkin-Tiapkin." "Bring Liapkin-Tiapkin here.--And who

is the Superintendent of Charities?" "Zemlianika."--"Bring Zemlianika

here!"--That's what's bad.

SCENE II

Enter Ivan Kuzmich, the Postmaster.

POSTMASTER. Tell me, gentlemen, who's coming? What chinovnik?

GOVERNOR. What, haven't you heard?

POSTMASTER. Bobchinsky told me. He was at the postoffice just now.

GOVERNOR. Well, what do you think of it?

POSTMASTER. What do I think of it? Why, there'll be a war with the

Turks.

AMMOS. Exactly. Just what I thought.

GOVERNOR [sarcastically]. Yes, you've both hit in the air precisely.

POSTMASTER. It's war with the Turks for sure, all fomented by the

French.

GOVERNOR. Nonsense! War with the Turks indeed. It's we who are going to

get it, not the Turks. You may count on that. Here's a letter to prove

it.

POSTMASTER. In that case, then, we won't go to war with the Turks.

GOVERNOR. Well, how do you feel about it, Ivan Kuzmich?

POSTMASTER. How do I feel? How do YOU feel about it, Anton Antonovich?

GOVERNOR. I? Well, I'm not afraid, but I just feel a little--you

know--The merchants and townspeople bother me. I seem to be unpopular

with them. But the Lord knows if I've taken from some I've done it

without a trace of ill-feeling. I even suspect--[Takes him by the

arm and walks aside with him.]--I even suspect that I may have been

denounced. Or why would they send an Inspector to us? Look here, Ivan

Kuzmich, don't you think you could--ahem!--just open a little every

letter that passes through your office and read it--for the common

benefit of us all, you know--to see if it contains any kind of

information against me, or is only ordinary correspondence. If it is all

right, you can seal it up again, or simply deliver the letter opened.

POSTMASTER. Oh, I know. You needn't teach me that. I do it not so much

as a precaution as out of curiosity. I just itch to know what's doing in

the world. And it's very interesting reading, I tell you. Some letters

are fascinating--parts of them written grand--more edifying than the

Moscow Gazette.

GOVERNOR. Tell me, then, have you read anything about any official from

St. Petersburg?

POSTMASTER. No, nothing about a St. Petersburg official, but plenty

about Kostroma and Saratov ones. A pity you don't read the letters.

There are some very fine passages in them. For instance, not long ago a

lieutenant writes to a friend describing a ball very wittily.--Splendid!

"Dear friend," he says, "I live in the regions of the Empyrean, lots of

girls, bands playing, flags flying." He's put a lot of feeling into his

description, a whole lot. I've kept the letter on purpose. Would you

like to read it?

GOVERNOR. No, this is no time for such things. But please, Ivan Kuzmich,

do me the favor, if ever you chance upon a complaint or denunciation,

don't hesitate a moment, hold it back.

POSTMASTER. I will, with the greatest pleasure.

AMMOS. You had better be careful. You may get yourself into trouble.

POSTMASTER. Goodness me!

GOVERNOR. Never mind, never mind. Of course, it would be different if

you published it broadcast. But it's a private affair, just between us.

AMMOS. Yes, it's a bad business--I really came here to make you a

present of a puppy, sister to the dog you know about. I suppose you have

heard that Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky have started a suit. So now I

live in clover. I hunt hares first on the one's estate, then on the

other's.

GOVERNOR. I don't care about your hares now, my good friend. That cursed

incognito is on my brain. Any moment the door may open and in walk--

SCENE III

Enter Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, out of breath.

BOBCHINSKY. What an extraordinary occurrence!

DOBCHINSKY. An unexpected piece of news!

ALL. What is it? What is it?

DOBCHINSKY. Something quite unforeseen. We were about to enter the inn--

BOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Yes, Piotr Ivanovich and I were entering the

inn--

DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. Please, Piotr Ivanovich, let me tell.

BOBCHINSKY. No, please, let me--let me. You can't. You haven't got the

style for it.

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, but you'll get mixed up and won't remember everything.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, I will, upon my word, I will. PLEASE don't interrupt!

Do let me tell the news--don't interrupt! Pray, oblige me, gentlemen,

and tell Dobchinsky not to interrupt.

GOVERNOR. Speak, for Heaven's sake! What is it? My heart is in my mouth!

Sit down, gentlemen, take seats. Piotr Ivanovich, here's a chair for

you. [All seat themselves around Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky.] Well, now,

what is it? What is it?

BOBCHINSKY. Permit me, permit me. I'll tell it all just as it happened.

As soon as I had the pleasure of taking leave of you after you were good

enough to be bothered with the letter which you had received, sir, I ran

out--now, please don't keep interrupting, Dobchinsky. I know all about

it, all, I tell you.--So I ran out to see Korobkin. But not finding

Korobkin at home, I went off to Rastakovsky, and not seeing him, I went

to Ivan Kuzmich to tell him of the news you'd got. Going on from there I

met Dobchinsky--

DOBCHINSKY [interjecting]. At the stall where they sell pies--

BOBCHINSKY. At the stall where they sell pies. Well, I met Dobchinsky

and I said to him: "Have you heard the news that came to Anton

Antonovich in a letter which is absolutely reliable?" But Piotr

Ivanovich had already heard of it from your housekeeper, Avdotya, who, I

don't know why, had been sent to Filipp Antonovich Pachechuyev--

DOBCHINSKY [interrupting]. To get a little keg for French brandy.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, to get a little keg for French brandy. So then I went

with Dobchinsky to Pachechuyev's.--Will you stop, Piotr Ivanovich?

Please don't interrupt.--So off we went to Pachechuyev's, and on the

way Dobchinsky said: "Let's go to the inn," he said. "I haven't eaten a

thing since morning. My stomach is growling." Yes, sir, his stomach was

growling. "They've just got in a supply of fresh salmon at the inn," he

said. "Let's take a bite." We had hardly entered the inn when we saw a

young man--

DOBCHINSKY [Interrupting]. Of rather good appearance and dressed in

ordinary citizen's clothes.

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, of rather good appearance and dressed in citizen's

clothes--walking up and down the room. There was something out of the

usual about his face, you know, something deep--and a manner about

him--and here [raises his hand to his forehead and turns it around

several times] full, full of everything. I had a sort of feeling, and I

said to Dobchinsky, "Something's up. This is no ordinary matter."

Yes, and Dobchinsky beckoned to the landlord, Vlas, the innkeeper,

you know,--three weeks ago his wife presented him with a baby--a

bouncer--he'll grow up just like his father and keep a tavern.--Well,

we beckoned to Vlas, and Dobchinsky asked him on the quiet, "Who," he

asked, "is that young man?" "That young man," Vlas replied, "that young

man"--Oh, don't interrupt, Piotr Ivanovich, please don't interrupt. You

can't tell the story. Upon my word, you can't. You lisp and one tooth in

your mouth makes you whistle. I know what I'm saying. "That young man,"

he said, "is an official."--Yes, sir.--"On his way from St. Petersburg.

And his name," he said, "is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, and he's

going," he said "to the government of Saratov," he said. "And he acts

so queerly. It's the second week he's been here and he's never left the

house; and he won't pay a penny, takes everything on account." When

Vlas told me that, a light dawned on me from above, and I said to Piotr

Ivanovich, "Hey!"--

DOBCHINSKY. No, Piotr Ivanovich, I said "HEY!"

BOBCHINSKY. Well first YOU said it, then I did. "Hey!" said both of us,

"And why does he stick here if he's going to Saratov?"--Yes, sir, that's

he, the official.

GOVERNOR. Who? What official?

BOBCHINSKY. Why, the official who you were notified was coming, the

Inspector.

GOVERNOR [terrified]. Great God! What's that you're saying. It can't be

he.

DOBCHINSKY. It is, though. Why, he doesn't pay his bills and he doesn't

leave. Who else can it be? And his postchaise is ordered for Saratov.

BOBCHINSKY. It's he, it's he, it's he--why, he's so alert, he

scrutinized everything. He saw that Dobchinsky and I were eating

salmon--chiefly on account of Dobchinsky's stomach--and he looked at our

plates so hard that I was frightened to death.

GOVERNOR. The Lord have mercy on us sinners! In what room is he staying?

DOBCHINSKY. Room number 5 near the stairway.

BOBCHINSKY. In the same room that the officers quarreled in when they

passed through here last year.

GOVERNOR. How long has he been here?

DOBCHINSKY. Two weeks. He came on St. Vasili's day.

GOVERNOR. Two weeks! [Aside.] Holy Fathers and saints preserve me! In

those two weeks I have flogged the wife of a non-commissioned officer,

the prisoners were not given their rations, the streets are dirty as a

pothouse--a scandal, a disgrace! [Clutches his head with both hands.]

ARTEMY. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, hadn't we better go in

state to the inn?

AMMOS. No, no. First send the chief magistrate, then the clergy, then

the merchants. That's what it says in the book. The Acts of John the

Freemason.

GOVERNOR. No, no, leave it to me. I have been in difficult situations

before now. They have passed off all right, and I was even rewarded

with thanks. Maybe the Lord will help us out this time, too. [Turns to

Bobchinsky.] You say he's a young man?

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, about twenty-three or four at the most.

GOVERNOR. So much the better. It's easier to pump things out of a young

man. It's tough if you've got a hardened old devil to deal with. But a

young man is all on the surface. You, gentlemen, had better see to your

end of things while I go unofficially, by myself, or with Dobchinsky

here, as though for a walk, to see that the visitors that come to town

are properly accommodated. Here, Svistunov. [To one of the Sergeants.]

SVISTUNOV. Sir.

GOVERNOR. Go instantly to the Police Captain--or, no, I'll want you.

Tell somebody to send him here as quickly as possibly and then come

back.

Svistunov hurries off.

ARTEMY. Let's go, let's go, Ammos Fiodorovich. We may really get into

trouble.

AMMOS. What have you got to be afraid of? Put clean nightcaps on the

patients and the thing's done.

ARTEMY. Nightcaps! Nonsense! The patients were ordered to have oatmeal

soup. Instead of that there's such a smell of cabbage in all the

corridors that you've got to hold your nose.

AMMOS. Well, my mind's at ease. Who's going to visit the court?

Supposing he does look at the papers, he'll wish he had left them alone.

I have been on the bench fifteen years, and when I take a look into a

report, I despair. King Solomon in all his wisdom could not tell what is

true and what is not true in it.

The Judge, the Superintendent of Charities, the School Inspector, and

Postmaster go out and bump up against the Sergeant in the doorway as the

latter returns.

SCENE IV

The Governor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky, and Sergeant Svistunov.

GOVERNOR. Well, is the cab ready?

SVISTUNOV. Yes, sir.

GOVERNOR. Go out on the street--or, no, stop--go and bring--why, where

are the others? Why are you alone? Didn't I give orders for Prokhorov to

be here? Where is Prokhorov?

SVISTUNOV. Prokhorov is in somebody's house and can't go on duty just

now.

GOVERNOR. Why so?

SVISTUNOV. Well, they brought him back this morning dead drunk. They

poured two buckets of water over him, but he hasn't sobered up yet.

GOVERNOR [clutching his head with both hands]. For Heaven's sake! Go

out on duty quick--or, no, run up to my room, do you hear? And fetch my

sword and my new hat. Now, Piotr Ivanovich, [to Dobchinsky] come.

BOBCHINSKY. And me--me, too. Let me come, too, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. No, no, Bobchinsky, it won't do. Besides there is not enough

room in the cab.

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, that doesn't matter. I'll follow the cab on foot--on

foot. I just want to peep through a crack--so--to see that manner of

his--how he acts.

GOVERNOR [turning to the Sergeant and taking his sword]. Be off and get

the policemen together. Let them each take a--there, see how scratched

my sword is. It's that dog of a merchant, Abdulin. He sees the

Governor's sword is old and doesn't provide a new one. Oh, the sharpers!

I'll bet they've got their petitions against me ready in their coat-tail

pockets.--Let each take a street in his hand--I don't mean a street--a

broom--and sweep the street leading to the inn, and sweep it clean,

and--do you hear? And see here, I know you, I know your tricks. You

insinuate yourselves into the inn and walk off with silver spoons in

your boots. Just you look out. I keep my ears pricked. What have you

been up to with the merchant, Chorniayev, eh? He gave you two yards of

cloth for your uniform and you stole the whole piece. Take care. You're

only a Sergeant. Don't graft higher than your rank. Off with you.

SCENE V

Enter the Police Captain.

GOVERNOR. Hello, Stepan Ilyich, where the dickens have you been keeping

yourself? What do you mean by acting that way?

CAPTAIN. Why, I was just outside the gate.

GOVERNOR. Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official has come from St.

Petersburg. What have you done about it?

CAPTAIN. What you told me to. I sent Sergeant Pugovichyn with policemen

to clean the street.

GOVERNOR. Where is Derzhimorda?

CAPTAIN. He has gone off on the fire engine.

GOVERNOR. And Prokhorov is drunk?

CAPTAIN. Yes.

GOVERNOR. How could you allow him to get drunk?

CAPTAIN. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the town. He

went to restore order and was brought back drunk.

GOVERNOR. Well, then, this is what you are to do.--Sergeant

Pugovichyn--he is tall. So he is to stand on duty on the bridge for

appearance' sake. Then the old fence near the bootmaker's must be pulled

down at once and a post stuck up with a whisp of straw so as to look

like grading. The more debris there is the more it will show the

governor's activity.--Good God, though, I forgot that about forty

cart-loads of rubbish have been dumped against that fence. What a vile,

filthy town this is! A monument, or even only a fence, is erected, and

instantly they bring a lot of dirt together, from the devil knows where,

and dump it there. [Heaves a sigh.] And if the functionary that has come

here asks any of the officials whether they are satisfied, they are to

say, "Perfectly satisfied, your Honor"; and if anybody is not satisfied,

I'll give him something to be dissatisfied about afterwards.--Ah, I'm

a sinner, a terrible sinner. [Takes the hat-box, instead of his hat.]

Heaven only grant that I may soon get this matter over and done with;

then I'll donate a candle such as has never been offered before. I'll

levy a hundred pounds of wax from every damned merchant. Oh my, oh my!

Come, let's go, Piotr Ivanovich. [Tries to put the hat-box on his head

instead of his hat.]

CAPTAIN. Anton Antonovich, that's the hat-box, not your hat.

GOVERNOR [throwing the box down]. If it's the hat-box, it's the hat-box,

the deuce take it!--And if he asks why the church at the hospital for

which the money was appropriated five years ago has not been built,

don't let them forget to say that the building was begun but was

destroyed by fire. I sent in a report about it, you know. Some blamed

fool might forget and let out that the building was never even begun.

And tell Derzhimorda not to be so free with his fists. Guilty

or innocent, he makes them all see stars in the cause of public

order.--Come on, come on, Dobchinsky. [Goes out and returns.] And don't

let the soldiers appear on the streets with nothing on. That rotten

garrison wear their coats directly over their undershirts.

All go out.

SCENE VI

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna rush in on the stage.

ANNA. Where are they? Where are they? Oh, my God! [opening the door.]

Husband! Antosha! Anton! [hurriedly, to Marya.] It's all your fault.

Dawdling! Dawdling!--"I want a pin--I want a scarf." [Runs to the window

and calls.] Anton, where are you going? Where are you going? What! He

has come? The Inspector? He has a moustache? What kind of a moustache?

GOVERNOR [from without]. Wait, dear. Later.

ANNA. Wait? I don't want to wait. The idea, wait! I only want one word.

Is he a colonel or what? Eh? [Disgusted.] There, he's gone! You'll pay

for it! It's all your fault--you, with your "Mamma, dear, wait a moment,

I'll just pin my scarf. I'll come directly." Yes, directly! Now we have

missed the news. It's all your confounded coquettishness. You heard the

Postmaster was here and so you must prink and prim yourself in front of

the mirror--look on this side and that side and all around. You imagine

he's smitten with you. But I can tell you he makes a face at you the

moment you turn your back.

MARYA. It can't be helped, mamma. We'll know everything in a couple of

hours anyway.

ANNA. In a couple of hours! Thank you! A nice answer. Why don't you

say, in a month. We'll know still more in a month. [She leans out of the

window.] Here, Avdotya! I say! Have you heard whether anybody has come,

Avdotya?--No, you goose, you didn't--He waved his hands? Well, what of

it? Let him wave his hands. But you should have asked him anyhow.

You couldn't find out, of course, with your head full of nonsense and

lovers. Eh, what? They left in a hurry? Well, you should have run after

the carriage. Off with you, off with you at once, do you hear? Run and

ask everybody where they are. Be sure and find out who the newcomer

is and what he is like, do you hear? Peep through a crack and find

everything out--what sort of eyes he has, whether they are black or

blue, and be back here instantly, this minute, do you hear? Quick,

quick, quick!

She keeps on calling and they both stand at the window until the curtain

drops.

ACT II

A small room in the inn, bed, table, travelling bag, empty bottle,

boots, clothes brush, etc.

SCENE I

OSIP [lying on his master's bed]. The devil take it! I'm so hungry.

There's a racket in my belly, as if a whole regiment were blowing

trumpets. We'll never reach home. I'd like to know what we are going to

do. Two months already since we left St. Pete. He's gone through all his

cash, the precious buck, so now he sticks here with his tail between his

legs and takes it easy. We'd have had enough and more than enough to pay

for the fare, but no he must exhibit himself in every town. [Imitates

him.] "Osip, get me the best room to be had and order the best dinner

they serve. I can't stand bad food. I must have the best." It would be

all right for a somebody, but for a common copying clerk! Goes and gets

acquainted with the other travellers, plays cards, and plays himself

out of his last penny. Oh, I'm sick of this life. It's better in our

village, really. There isn't so much going on, but then there is less to

bother about. You get yourself a wife and lie on the stove all the time

and eat pie. Of course, if you wanted to tell the truth, there's no

denying it that there's nothing like living in St. Pete. All you want is

money. And then you can live smart and classy--theeadres, dogs to dance

for you, everything, and everybody talks so genteel, pretty near like

in high society. If you go to the Schukin bazaar, the shopkeepers cry,

"Gentlemen," at you. You sit with the officials in the ferry boat. If

you want company, you go into a shop. A sport there will tell you about

life in the barracks and explain the meaning of every star in the sky,

so that you see them all as if you held them in your hand. Then an old

officer's wife will gossip, or a pretty chambermaid will dart a look

at you--ta, ta, ta! [Smirks and wags his head.] And what deucedly civil

manners they have, too. You never hear no impolite language. They always

say "Mister" to you. If you are tired of walking, why you take a cab

and sit in it like a lord. And if you don't feel like paying, then you

don't. Every house has an open-work gate and you can slip through

and the devil himself won't catch you. There's one bad thing, though;

sometimes you get first class eats and sometimes you're so starved you

nearly drop--like now. It's all his fault. What can you do with him? His

dad sends him money to keep him going, but the devil a lot it does. He

goes off on a spree, rides in cabs, gets me to buy a theeadre ticket for

him every day, and in a week look at him--sends me to the old clo'es man

to sell his new dress coat. Sometimes he gets rid of everything down to

his last shirt and is left with nothing except his coat and overcoat.

Upon my word, it's the truth. And such fine cloth, too. English, you

know. One dress coat costs him a hundred and fifty rubles and he sells

it to the old clo'es man for twenty. No use saying nothing about his

pants. They go for a song. And why? Because he doesn't tend to his

business. Instead of sticking to his job, he gads about on the Prospect

and plays cards. Ah, if the old gentleman only knew it! He wouldn't care

that you are an official. He'd lift up your little shirtie and would lay

it on so that you'd go about rubbing yourself for a week. If you have

a job, stick to it. Here's the innkeeper says he won't let you have

anything to eat unless you pay your back bills. Well, and suppose we

don't pay. [Sighing.] Oh, good God! If only I could get cabbage soup. I

think I could eat up the whole world now. There's a knock at the door. I

suppose it's him. [Rises from the bed hastily.]

SCENE II

Osip and Khlestakov.

KHLESTAKOV. Here! [Hands him his cap and cane.] What, been warming the

bed again!

OSIP. Why should I have been warming the bed? Have I never seen a bed

before?

KHLESTAKOV. You're lying. The bed's all tumbled up.

OSIP. What do I want a bed for? Don't I know what a bed is like? I have

legs and can use them to stand on. I don't need your bed.

KHLESTAKOV [walking up and down the room]. Go see if there isn't some

tobacco in the pouch.

OSIP. What tobacco? You emptied it out four days ago.

KHLESTAKOV [pacing the room and twisting his lips. Finally he says in a

loud resolute voice]. Listen--a--Osip.

OSIP. Yes, sir?

KHLESTAKOV [In a voice just as loud, but not quite so resolute]. Go down

there.

OSIP. Where?

KHLESTAKOV [in a voice not at all resolute, nor loud, but almost in

entreaty]. Down to the restaurant--tell them--to send up dinner.

OSIP. No, I won't.

KHLESTAKOV. How dare you, you fool!

OSIP. It won't do any good, anyhow. The landlord said he won't let you

have anything more to eat.

KHLESTAKOV. How dare he! What nonsense is this?

OSIP. He'll go to the Governor, too, he says. It's two weeks now since

you've paid him, he says. You and your master are cheats, he says, and

your master is a blackleg besides, he says. We know the breed. We've

seen swindlers like him before.

KHLESTAKOV. And you're delighted, I suppose, to repeat all this to me,

you donkey.

OSIP. "Every Tom, Dick and Harry comes and lives here," he says, "and

runs up debts so that you can't even put him out. I'm not going to fool

about it," he says, "I'm going straight to the Governor and have him

arrested and put in jail."

KHLESTAKOV. That'll do now, you fool. Go down at once and tell him to

have dinner sent up. The coarse brute! The idea!

OSIP. Hadn't I better call the landlord here?

KHLESTAKOV. What do I want the landlord for? Go and tell him yourself.

OSIP. But really, master--

KHLESTAKOV. Well, go, the deuce take you. Call the landlord.

Osip goes out.

SCENE III

KHLESTAKOV [alone]. I am so ravenously hungry. I took a little stroll

thinking I could walk off my appetite. But, hang it, it clings. If I

hadn't dissipated so in Penza I'd have had enough money to get home

with. The infantry captain did me up all right. Wonderful the way the

scoundrel cut the cards! It didn't take more than a quarter of an hour

for him to clean me out of my last penny. And yet I would give

anything to have another set-to with him. Only I never will have the

chance.--What a rotten town this is! You can't get anything on credit in

the grocery shops here. It's deucedly mean, it is. [He whistles, first

an air from Robert le Diable, then a popular song, then a blend of the

two.] No one's coming.

SCENE IV

Khlestakov, Osip, and a Servant.

SERVANT. The landlord sent me up to ask what you want.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, how do you do, brother! How are you? How are you?

SERVANT. All right, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. And how are you getting on in the inn? Is business good?

SERVANT. Yes, business is all right, thank you.

KHLESTAKOV. Many guests?

SERVANT. Plenty.

KHLESTAKOV. See here, good friend. They haven't sent me dinner yet.

Please hurry them up! See that I get it as soon as possible. I have some

business to attend to immediately after dinner.

SERVANT. The landlord said he won't let you have anything any more. He

was all for going to the Governor to-day and making a complaint against

you.

KHLESTAKOV. What's there to complain about? Judge for yourself, friend.

Why, I've got to eat. If I go on like this I'll turn into a skeleton.

I'm hungry, I'm not joking.

SERVANT. Yes, sir, that's what he said. "I won't let him have no

dinner," he said, "till he pays for what he has already had." That was

his answer.

KHLESTAKOV. Try to persuade him.

SERVANT. But what shall I tell him?

KHLESTAKOV. Explain that it's a serious matter, I've got to eat. As for

the money, of course--He thinks that because a muzhik like him can go

without food a whole day others can too. The idea!

SERVANT. Well, all right. I'll tell him.

The Servant and Osip go out.

SCENE V

Khlestakov alone.

KHLESTAKOV. A bad business if he refuses to let me have anything. I'm

so hungry. I've never been so hungry in my life. Shall I try to raise

something on my clothes? Shall I sell my trousers? No, I'd rather starve

than come home without a St. Petersburg suit. It's a shame Joachim

wouldn't let me have a carriage on hire. It would have been great to

ride home in a carriage, drive up under the porte-cochere of one of the

neighbors with lamps lighted and Osip behind in livery. Imagine the stir

it would have created. "Who is it? What's that?" Then my footman walks

in [draws himself up and imitates] and an-nounces: "Ivan Aleksandrovich

Khlestakov of St. Petersburg. Will you receive him?" Those country

lubbers don't even know what it means to "receive." If any lout of

a country squire pays them a visit, he stalks straight into the

drawing-room like a bear. Then you step up to one of their pretty girls

and say: "Dee-lighted, madam." [Rubs his hands and bows.] Phew! [Spits.]

I feel positively sick, I'm so hungry.

SCENE VI

Khlestakov, Osip, and later the Servant.

KHLESTAKOV. Well?

OSIP. They're bringing dinner.

KHLESTAKOV [claps his hands and wriggles in his chair]. Dinner, dinner,

dinner!

SERVANT [with plates and napkin]. This is the last time the landlord

will let you have dinner.

KHLESTAKOV. The landlord, the landlord! I spit on your landlord. What

have you got there?

SERVANT. Soup and roast beef.

KHLESTAKOV. What! Only two courses?

SERVANT. That's all.

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense! I won't take it. What does he mean by that? Ask

him. It's not enough.

SERVANT. The landlord says it's too much.

KHLESTAKOV. Why is there no sauce?

SERVANT. There is none.

KHLESTAKOV. Why not? I saw them preparing a whole lot when I passed

through the kitchen. And in the dining-room this morning two short

little men were eating salmon and lots of other things.

SERVANT. Well, you see, there is some and there isn't.

KHLESTAKOV. Why "isn't"?

SERVANT. Because there isn't any.

KHLESTAKOV. What, no salmon, no fish, no cutlets?

SERVANT. Only for the better kind of folk.

KHLESTAKOV. You're a fool.

SERVANT. Yes, sir.

KHLESTAKOV. You measly suckling pig. Why can they eat and I not? Why the

devil can't I eat, too? Am I not a guest the same as they?

SERVANT. No, not the same. That's plain.

KHLESTAKOV. How so?

SERVANT. That's easy. THEY pay, that's it.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm not going to argue with you, simpleton! [Ladles out

the soup and begins to eat.] What, you call that soup? Simply hot water

poured into a cup. No taste to it at all. It only stinks. I don't want

it. Bring me some other soup.

SERVANT. All right. I'll take it away. The boss said if you didn't want

it, you needn't take it.

KHLESTAKOV [putting his hand over the dishes]. Well, well, leave it

alone, you fool. You may be used to treat other people this way, but

I'm not that sort. I advise you not to try it on me. My God! What soup!

[Goes on eating.] I don't think anybody in the world tasted such soup.

Feathers floating on the top instead of butter. [Cuts the piece of

chicken in the soup.] Oh, oh, oh! What a bird!--Give me the roast beef.

There's a little soup left, Osip. Take it. [Cuts the meat.] What sort of

roast beef is this? This isn't roast beef.

SERVANT. What else is it?

KHLESTAKOV. The devil knows, but it isn't roast beef. It's roast iron,

not roast beef. [Eats.] Scoundrels! Crooks! The stuff they give you to

eat! It makes your jaws ache to chew one piece of it. [Picks his teeth

with his fingers.] Villains! It's as tough as the bark of a tree. I

can't pull it out no matter how hard I try. Such meat is enough to ruin

one's teeth. Crooks! [Wipes his mouth with the napkin.] Is there nothing

else?

SERVANT. No.

KHLESTAKOV. Scoundrels! Blackguards! They might have given some decent

pastry, or something, the lazy good-for-nothings! Fleecing their guests!

That's all they're good for.

[The Servant takes the dishes and carries them out accompanied by Osip.]

SCENE VII

Khlestakov alone.

KHLESTAKOV. It's just as if I had eaten nothing at all, upon my word. It

has only whetted my appetite. If I only had some change to send to the

market and buy some bread.

OSIP [entering]. The Governor has come, I don't know what for. He's

inquiring about you.

KHLESTAKOV [in alarm]. There now! That inn-keeper has gone and made a

complaint against me. Suppose he really claps me into jail? Well! If he

does it in a gentlemanly way, I may--No, no, I won't. The officers and

the people are all out on the street and I set the fashion for them and

the merchant's daughter and I flirted. No, I won't. And pray, who is he?

How dare he, actually? What does he take me for? A tradesman? I'll tell

him straight out, "How dare you? How--"

[The door knob turns and Khlestakov goes pale and shrinks back.]

SCENE VIII

Khlestakov, the Governor, and Dobchinsky.

The Governor advances a few steps and stops. They stare at each other a

few moments wide-eyed and frightened.

GOVERNOR [recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion]. I

have come to present my compliments, sir.

KHLESTAKOV [bows]. How do you do, sir?

GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.

KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.

GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that

visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

KHLESTAKOV [a little halting at first, but toward the end in a

loud, firm voice]. Well--what was--to be--done? It's not--my fault.

I'm--really going to pay. They will send me money from home. [Bobchinsky

peeps in at the door.] He's most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a

board and the soup--the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have

pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so

peculiar--it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I--The idea!

GOVERNOR [scared]. Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always

have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it,

and they are sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know where he

gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you

allow me to take you to another place?

KHLESTAKOV. No, I thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what

the other place is--the jail. What right have you, I should like

to know--how dare you?--Why, I'm in the government service at St.

Petersburg. [Puts on a bold front.] I--I--I--

GOVERNOR [aside]. My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything.

Those damned merchants have told him everything.

KHLESTAKOV [with bravado]. I won't go even if you come here with your

whole force. I'll go straight to the minister. [Bangs his fist on the

table.] What do you mean? What do you mean?

GOVERNOR [drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over]. Have pity

on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don't bring

misfortune on a man.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I won't go. What's that got to do with me? Must I go

to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great! [Bobchinsky

looks in at the door and disappears in terror.] No, much obliged to you.

I will not go.

GOVERNOR [trembling]. It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was

nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself.

The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken

bribes, they were mere trifles--something for the table, or a coat or

two. As for the officer's widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she's

in business now, and it's a slander, it's a slander that I beat her.

Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me.

That's the kind of people they are.

KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them. [Reflecting.] I

don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or

officer's widow. An officer's widow is quite a different matter.--But

don't you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me--no, sir, you can't.

The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay the money. Just now I'm out of

cash. That's why I stay here--because I haven't a single kopek.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming

at? He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's

going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But

I will try. Come what may, I'll try--hit or miss. [Aloud.] H'm, if you

really are in want of money, I'm ready to serve you. It is my duty to

assist strangers in town.

KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then I'll settle up immediately

with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.

GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles. [Giving him the money.] Don't

bother to count it.

KHLESTAKOV [taking it]. Very much obliged to you. I'll send it back to

you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without--H'm--I

see you are a gentleman. Now it's all different.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Well, thank the Lord, he's taken the money. Now I

suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead

of two into his hand.

KHLESTAKOV. Ho, Osip! [Osip enters.] Tell the servant to come. [To the

Governor and Dobchinsky.] Please be seated. [To Dobchinsky.] Please take

a seat, I beg of you.

GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand.

KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how

open-hearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to

put me in--[To Dobchinsky.] Do take a chair.

The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door

and listens.

GOVERNOR [aside]. I must be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is

incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We'll pretend we

haven't the least idea who he is. [Aloud.] I was going about in the

performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here--he's a

landed proprietor here--and we came to the inn to see whether the guests

are properly accommodated--because I'm not like other governors, who

don't care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian

philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if

to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant

acquaintance.

KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, I confess, I should

have had to stay here a long time. I didn't know how in the world to pay

my bill.

GOVERNOR [aside]. Oh, yes, fib on.--Didn't know how to pay his bill! May

I ask where your Honor is going?

KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the Government of Saratov.

GOVERNOR [aside, with an ironical expression on his face]. The

Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And doesn't even blush! One must be

on the qui vive with this fellow. [Aloud.] You have undertaken a great

task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in

getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are

travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?

KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry because so far I haven't

made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the

Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him to

knock about in the government offices for a while.

GOVERNOR [aside]. How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too.

[Aloud.] And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?

KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my father is stubborn and

stupid--an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I'll tell him straight

out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really,

why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different

demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.

GOVERNOR [aside]. He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never

trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it

seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll make

you talk. I'll make you tell me things. [Aloud.] You were quite right

in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way

place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard

for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't

know when it's coming. [He looks round the room.] This room seems rather

damp.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! I've never experienced

anything like them. They bite like dogs.

GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected

to such annoyance at the hands of--whom? Of vile bugs which should never

have been born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of

not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something--read a bit, or,

if the fancy strikes me, write something.--I can't. It's a dark room,

yes, very dark.

GOVERNOR. I wonder if I might be bold enough to ask you--but, no, I'm

unworthy.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

GOVERNOR. No, no, I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy.

KHLESTAKOV. But what is it?

GOVERNOR. If I might be bold enough--I have a fine room for you at

home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don't

be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my

heart.

KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I accept your invitation with pleasure.

I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this

disreputable tavern.

GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It's my

character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood,

especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I say

this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the

fullness of my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced

people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness exceedingly. And I am

free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem--esteem and

devotion.

SCENE IX

The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at

the door.

SERVANT. Did your Honor wish anything?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill.

SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while ago.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I can't remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the

whole comes to.

SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day

you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.

KHLESTAKOV. Fool! [Starts to count it all up now.] How much is it

altogether?

GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can wait. [To the Servant.]

Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course. [He puts the money in his

pocket.]

The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

SCENE X

The Governor, Khlestakov and Dobchinsky.

GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town

now--the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?

KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see?

GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run--the order in which we keep

them.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm ready.

Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.

GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the

district school and see our method of education.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please.

GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and

prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the

philanthropic institutions.

GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or

with me in the cab?

KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you.

GOVERNOR [to Dobchinsky]. Now there'll be no room for you, Piotr

Ivanovich.

DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk.

GOVERNOR [aside, to Dobchinsky]. Listen. Run as fast as you can and take

two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife. [To

Khlestakov.] May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write

a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored

guest?

KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I

don't know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?

GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. [Writes, talking to himself at the

same time.] We'll see how things will go after lunch and several

stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look

at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he

is and how much I have to be [on] my guard.

He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter

walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky

tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky

rises.

KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing--nothing at all--only a little bruise on my

nose. I'll run in to Dr. Huebner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll

soon pass away.

GOVERNOR [making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov]. Oh,

it's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant

to carry your luggage over. [Calls Osip.] Here, my good fellow, take all

your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will tell you

where it is. By your leave, sir. [Makes way for Khlestakov and follows

him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.] Couldn't you find

some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!

Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.

ACT III

SCENE: The same as in Act I.

SCENE I

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna standing at the window in the same

positions as at the end of Act I.

ANNA. There now! We've been waiting a whole hour. All on account of your

silly prinking. You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep

on dawdling.--Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though on purpose, as

though the whole world were dead.

MARYA. Now really, mamma, we shall know all about it in a minute or two.

Avdotya must come back soon. [Looks out of the window and exclaims.] Oh,

mamma, someone is coming--there down the street!

ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!--Why, yes, someone is coming.

I wonder who it is. A short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The

suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder.

MARYA. Dobchinsky, mamma.

ANNA. Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It's not Dobchinsky at all.

[Waves her handkerchief.] Ho, you! Come here! Quick!

MARYA. It is Dobchinsky, mamma.

ANNA. Of course, you've got to contradict. I tell you, it's not

Dobchinsky.

MARYA. Well, well, mamma? Isn't it Dobchinsky?

ANNA. Yes, it is, I see now. Why do you argue about it? [Calls through

the window.] Hurry up, quick! You're so slow. Well, where are they?

What? Speak from where you are. It's all the same. What? He is very

strict? Eh? And how about my husband? [Moves away a little from the

window, exasperated.] He is so stupid. He won't say a word until he is

in the room.

SCENE II

Enter Dobchinsky.

ANNA. Now tell me, aren't you ashamed? You were the only one I relied

on to act decently. They all ran away and you after them, and till now

I haven't been able to find out a thing. Aren't you ashamed? I stood

godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is the way you treat

me.

DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, upon my word, I ran so fast to pay my respects to

you that I'm all out of breath. How do you do, Marya Antonovna?

MARYA. Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich.

ANNA. Well, tell me all about it. What is happening at the inn?

DOBCHINSKY. I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich.

ANNA. But who is he? A general?

DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general, I

tell you. Such culture! Such dignified manners!

ANNA. Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband got a letter about.

DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and I who first discovered

him.

ANNA. Tell me, tell me all about it.

DOBCHINSKY. It's all right now, thank the Lord. At first he received

Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He was angry and said the inn was not

run properly, and he wouldn't come to the Governor's house and he didn't

want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he found out

that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and they got to talking more

intimately, he changed right away, and, thank Heaven, everything went

well. They've gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. I

confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun to suspect that a secret

denunciation had been lodged against him. I myself was trembling a

little, too.

ANNA. What have you to be afraid of? You're not an official.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul speaks, you feel afraid.

ANNA. That's all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like personally? Is he

young or old?

DOBCHINSKY. Young--a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as

if he were older. "If you will allow me," he says, "I will go there

and there." [Waves his hands.] He does it all with such distinction. "I

like," he says, "to read and write, but I am prevented because my room

is rather dark."

ANNA. And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair?

DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart

about like little animals. They make you nervous.

ANNA. Let me see what my husband writes. [Reads.] "I hasten to let you

know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying

on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one

ruble and twenty-five kopeks." [Stops.] I don't understand. What have

pickles and caviar got to do with it?

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap

paper. There's a kind of bill on it.

ANNA. Oh, yes, I see. [Goes on reading.] "But relying on the mercy

of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready

quickly for the distinguished guest--the one with the gold wall paper.

Don't bother to get any extras for dinner because we'll have something

at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and

tell Abdulin to send the best, or I'll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss

your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky."

Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who's there? Mishka?

DOBCHINSKY [Runs to the door and calls.] Mishka! Mishka! Mishka! [Mishka

enters.]

ANNA. Listen! Run over to Abdulin--wait, I'll give you a note. [She

sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while.] Give this to

Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back

the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for

a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and

everything else.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, I'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the

inspecting.

ANNA. Go on, I'm not keeping you.

SCENE III

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

ANNA. Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He's a metropolitan

swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue

dress with the little flounces. It's the most becoming.

MARYA. The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't bear it.

Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika's daughter. I'd

rather wear my flowered dress.

ANNA. Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You'll look

lots better in blue because I'm going to wear my dun-colored dress. I

love dun-color.

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it isn't a bit becoming to you.

ANNA. What, dun-color isn't becoming to me?

MARYA. No, not a bit. I'm positive it isn't. One's eyes must be quite

dark to go with dun-color.

ANNA. That's nice! And aren't my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be.

What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always

draw the queen of clubs.

MARYA. Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.

ANNA. Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts. [She

goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes.] The ideas

she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of

that?

As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the

stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.

SCENE IV

Mishka and Osip.

OSIP. Where is this to go?

MISHKA. In here, in here.

OSIP. Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an

empty stomach any load seems heavy.

MISHKA. Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?

OSIP. What general?

MISHKA. Your master.

OSIP. My master? What sort of a general is he?

MISHKA. Isn't he a general?

OSIP. Yes, he's a general, only the other way round.

MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than a real general?

OSIP. Higher.

MISHKA. Gee whiz! That's why they are raising such a racket about him

here.

OSIP. Look here, young man, I see you're a smart fellow. Get me

something to eat, won't you?

MISHKA. There isn't anything ready yet for the likes of you. You won't

eat plain food. When your master takes his meal, they'll let you have

the same as he gets.

OSIP. But have you got any plain stuff?

MISHKA. We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie.

OSIP. That's all right. We'll eat cabbage soup, porridge and pie, we'll

eat everything. Come, help me with the valise. Is there another way to

go out there?

MISHKA. Yes.

They both carry the valise into the next room.

SCENE V

The Sergeants open both folding doors. Khlestakov enters followed by

the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of

Schools, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The

Governor points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the

Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their haste.

KHLESTAKOV. Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers

everything in your town. In other towns they didn't show me a thing.

GOVERNOR. In other towns, I venture to observe, the authorities and

officials look out for themselves more. Here, I may say, we have no

other thought than to win the Government's esteem through good order,

vigilance, and efficiency.

KHLESTAKOV. The lunch was excellent. I've positively overeaten. Do you

set such a fine table every day?

GOVERNOR. In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.

KHLESTAKOV. I like to eat well. That's what a man lives for--to pluck

the flowers of pleasure. What was that fish called?

ARTEMY [running up to him]. Labardan.

KHLESTAKOV. It was delicious. Where was it we had our lunch? In the

hospital, wasn't it?

ARTEMY. Precisely, in the hospital.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, I remember. There were beds there. The patients

must have gotten well. There don't seem to have been many of them.

ARTEMY. About ten are left. The rest recovered. The place is so well

run, there is such perfect order. It may seem incredible to you, but

ever since I've taken over the management, they all recover like flies.

No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels better. And

we obtain this result not so much by medicaments as by honesty and

orderliness.

GOVERNOR. In this connection may I venture to call your attention to

what a brain-racking job the office of Governor is. There are so many

matters he has to give his mind to just in connection with keeping the

town clean and repairs and alterations. In a word, it is enough to

upset the most competent person. But, thank God, all goes well. Another

governor, of course, would look out for his own advantage. But believe

me, even nights in bed I keep thinking: "Oh, God, how could I manage

things in such a way that the government would observe my devotion to

duty and be satisfied?" Whether the government will reward me or not,

that of course, lies with them. At least I'll have a clear conscience.

When the whole town is in order, the streets swept clean, the prisoners

well kept, and few drunkards--what more do I want? Upon my word, I don't

even crave honors. Honors, of course, are alluring; but as against the

happiness which comes from doing one's duty, they are nothing but dross

and vanity.

ARTEMY [aside]. Oh, the do-nothing, the scoundrel! How he holds forth! I

wish the Lord had blessed me with such a gift!

KHLESTAKOV. That's so. I admit I sometimes like to philosophize, too.

Sometimes it's prose, and sometimes it comes out poetry.

BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. How true, how true it all is, Piotr

Ivanovich. His remarks are great. It's evident that he is an educated

man.

KHLESTAKOV. Would you tell me, please, if you have any amusements here,

any circles where one could have a game of cards?

GOVERNOR [aside]. Ahem! I know what you are aiming at, my boy.

[Aloud.] God forbid! Why, no one here has even heard of such a thing as

card-playing circles. I myself have never touched a card. I don't know

how to play. I can never look at cards with indifference, and if I

happen to see a king of diamonds or some such thing, I am so disgusted

I have to spit out. Once I made a house of cards for the children, and

then I dreamt of those confounded things the whole night. Heavens! How

can people waste their precious time over cards!

LUKA LUKICH [aside]. But he faroed me out of a hundred rubles yesterday,

the rascal.

GOVERNOR. I'd rather employ my time for the benefit of the state.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, well, that's rather going too far. It all depends upon

the point of view. If, for instance, you pass when you have to treble

stakes, then of course--No, don't say that a game of cards isn't very

tempting sometimes.

SCENE VI

The above, Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. Permit me to introduce my family, my wife and daughter.

KHLESTAKOV [bowing]. I am happy, madam, to have the pleasure of meeting

you.

ANNA. Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a person is still

greater.

KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Excuse me, madam, on the contrary, my pleasure

is the greater.

ANNA. Impossible. You condescend to say it to compliment me. Won't you

please sit down?

KHLESTAKOV. Just to stand near you is bliss. But if you insist, I will

sit down. I am so, so happy to be at your side at last.

ANNA. I beg your pardon, but I dare not take all the nice things you

say to myself. I suppose you must have found travelling very unpleasant

after living in the capital.

KHLESTAKOV. Extremely unpleasant. I am accustomed, comprenez-vous, to

life in the fashionable world, and suddenly to find myself on the road,

in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people--I confess that if it

were not for this chance which--[giving Anna a look and showing off]

compensated me for everything--

ANNA. It must really have been extremely unpleasant for you.

KHLESTAKOV. At this moment, however, I find it exceedingly pleasant,

madam.

ANNA. Oh, I cannot believe it. You do me much honor. I don't deserve it.

KHLESTAKOV. Why don't you deserve it? You do deserve it, madam.

ANNA. I live in a village.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, after all, a village too has something. It has its

hills and brooks. Of course it's not to be compared with St. Petersburg.

Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only

a copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the chief of our

department. He slaps me on the back. "Come, brother," he says, "and have

dinner with me." I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to

say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There's a

rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing but scribble

all the time--tr, tr--They even wanted to make me a college assessor,

but I think to myself, "What do I want it for?" And the doorkeeper flies

after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. "Allow me to shine your

boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich," he says. [To the Governor.] Why are

you standing, gentleman? Please sit down.

{GOVERNOR. Our rank is such that we can very

Together { well stand. {ARTEMY. We don't mind standing.

{LUKA. Please don't trouble.

KHLESTAKOV. Please sit down without the rank. [The Governor and the rest

sit down.] I don't like ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip

by unobserved. But it's impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. I

no sooner show myself in a place than they say, "There goes Ivan

Aleksandrovich!" Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief.

The soldiers rushed out of the guard-house and saluted. Afterwards an

officer, an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me: "Why, old chap,

we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief."

ANNA. Well, I declare!

KHLESTAKOV. I know pretty actresses. I've written a number of

vaudevilles, you know. I frequently meet literary men. I am on an

intimate footing with Pushkin. I often say to him: "Well, Pushkin, old

boy, how goes it?" "So, so, partner," he'd reply, "as usual." He's a

great original.

ANNA. So you write too? How thrilling it must be to be an author! You

write for the papers also, I suppose?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, for the papers, too. I am the author of a lot of

works--The Marriage of Figaro, Robert le Diable, Norma. I don't even

remember all the names. I did it just by chance. I hadn't meant to

write, but a theatrical manager said, "Won't you please write something

for me?" I thought to myself: "All right, why not?" So I did it all in

one evening, surprised everybody. I am extraordinarily light of thought.

All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus was written by

me, and the The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.

ANNA. What! So you are Brambeus?

KHLESTAKOV. Why, yes. And I revise and whip all their articles into

shape. Smirdin gives me forty thousand for it.

ANNA. I suppose, then, that Yury Miroslavsky is yours too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's mine.

ANNA. I guessed at once.

MARYA. But, mamma, it says that it's by Zagoskin.

ANNA. There! I knew you'd be contradicting even here.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, it's so. That was by Zagoskin. But there is another

Yury Miroslavsky which was written by me.

ANNA. That's right. I read yours. It's charming.

KHLESTAKOV. I admit I live by literature. I have the first house in

St. Petersburg. It is well known as the house of Ivan Aleksandrovich.

[Addressing the company in general.] If any of you should come to St.

Petersburg, do please call to see me. I give balls, too, you know.

ANNA. I can guess the taste and magnificence of those balls.

KHLESTAKOV. Immense! For instance, watermelon will be served costing

seven hundred rubles. The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris

by steamer. When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like

nothing else in the world. And we have formed a circle for playing

whist--the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French, the English and the

German Ambassadors and myself. We play so hard we kill ourselves over

the cards. There's nothing like it. After it's over I'm so tired I

run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook, "Here,

Marushka, take my coat"--What am I talking about?--I forgot that I live

on the first floor. One flight up costs me--My foyer before I rise

in the morning is an interesting spectacle indeed--counts and princes

jostling each other and humming like bees. All you hear is buzz, buzz,

buzz. Sometimes the Minister--[The Governor and the rest rise in awe

from their chairs.] Even my mail comes addressed "Your Excellency." And

once I even had charge of a department. A strange thing happened. The

head of the department went off, disappeared, no one knew where. Of

course there was a lot of talk about how the place would be filled,

who would fill it, and all that sort of thing. There were ever so many

generals hungry for the position, and they tried, but they couldn't cope

with it. It's too hard. Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but

when you come to examine it closely, it's the devil of a job. When they

saw they couldn't manage, they came to me. In an instant the

streets were packed full with couriers, nothing but couriers and

couriers--thirty-five thousand of them, imagine! Pray, picture the

situation to yourself! "Ivan Aleksandrovich, do come and take the

directorship of the department." I admit I was a little embarrassed.

I came out in my dressing-gown. I wanted to decline, but I thought it

might reach the Czar's ears, and, besides, my official record--"Very

well, gentlemen," I said, "I'll accept the position, I'll accept. So be

it. But mind," I said, "na-na-na, LOOK SHARP is the word with me, LOOK

SHARP!" And so it was. When I went through the offices of my department,

it was a regular earthquake, Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf.

[The Governor and the rest tremble with fright. Khlestakov works himself

up more and more as he speaks.] Oh, I don't like to joke. I got all of

them thoroughly scared, I tell you. Even the Imperial Council is afraid

of me. And really, that's the sort I am. I don't spare anybody. I tell

them all, "I know myself, I know myself." I am everywhere, everywhere. I

go to Court daily. Tomorrow they are going to make me a field-marsh--

He slips and almost falls, but is respectfully held up by the officials.

GOVERNOR [walks up to him trembling from top to toe and speaking with a

great effort]. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [curtly]. What is it?

GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex-ex- KHLESTAKOV [as before]. I can't make out a

thing, it's all nonsense.

GOVERNOR. Your Ex-ex--Your 'lency--Your Excellency, wouldn't you like to

rest a bit? Here's a room and everything you may need.

KHLESTAKOV. Nonsense--rest! However, I'm ready for a rest. Your lunch

was fine, gentlemen. I am satisfied, I am satisfied. [Declaiming.]

Labardan! Labardan!

He goes into the next room followed by the Governor.

SCENE VII

The same without Khlestakov and the Governor.

BOBCHINSKY [to Dobchinsky]. There's a man for you, Piotr Ivanovich.

That's what I call a man. I've never in my life been in the presence of

so important a personage. I almost died of fright. What do you think is

his rank, Piotr Ivanovich?

DOBCHINSKY. I think he's almost a general.

BOBCHINSKY. And I think a general isn't worth the sole of his boots. But

if he is a general, then he must be the generalissimo himself. Did you

hear how he bullies the Imperial Council? Come, let's hurry off to

Ammos Fiodorovich and Korobkin and tell them about it. Good-by, Anna

Andreyevna.

DOBCHINSKY. Good afternoon, godmother.

Both go out.

ARTEMY. It makes your heart sink and you don't know why. We haven't

even our uniforms on. Suppose after he wakes up from his nap he goes and

sends a report about us to St. Petersburg. [He goes out sunk in thought,

with the School Inspector, both saying.] Good-by, madam.

SCENE VIII

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

ANNA. Oh, how charming he is!

MARYA. A perfect dear!

ANNA. Such refined manners. You can recognize the big city article at

once. How he carries himself, and all that sort of thing! Exquisite! I'm

just crazy for young men like him. I am in ecstasies--beside myself. He

liked me very much though. I noticed he kept looking at me all the time.

MARYA. Oh, mamma, he looked at me.

ANNA. No more nonsense please. It's out of place now.

MARYA. But really, mamma, he did look at me.

ANNA. There you go! For God's sake, don't argue. You mustn't. That's

enough. What would he be looking at you for? Please tell me, why would

he be looking at you?

MARYA. It's true, mamma. He kept looking at me. He looked at me when he

began to speak about literature and he looked at me afterwards, when he

told about how he played whist with the ambassadors.

ANNA. Well, maybe he looked at you once or twice and might have said to

himself, "Oh, well, I'll give her a look."

SCENE IX

The same and the Governor.

GOVERNOR. Sh-sh!

ANNA. What is it?

GOVERNOR. I wish I hadn't given him so much to drink. Suppose even half

of what he said is true? [Sunk in thought.] How can it not be true? A

man in his cups is always on the surface. What's in his heart is on his

tongue. Of course he fibbed a little. No talking is possible without

some lying. He plays cards with the ministers and he visits the Court.

Upon my word the more you think the less you know what's going on in

your head. I'm as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or if I were

going to be hanged, the devil take it!

ANNA. And I didn't feel the least bit afraid. I simply saw a high-toned,

cultured man of the world, and his rank and titles didn't make me feel a

bit queer.

GOVERNOR. Oh, well, you women. To say women and enough's said.

Everything is froth and bubble to you. All of a sudden you blab out

words that don't make the least sense. The worst you'd get would be a

flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.--Say, my dear, you are

as familiar with him as if he were another Bobchinsky.

ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't bother about that. [Glancing at Marya.] We

know a thing or two in that line.

GOVERNOR [to himself]. Oh, what's the good of talking to you! Confound

it all! I can't get over my fright yet. [Opens the door and calls.]

Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here.

They are near the gate. [After a pause of silence.] The world has turned

into a queer place. If at least the people were visible so you could see

them; but they are such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could

you tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; but when he

wears a frock-coat, it's like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it up

a long time in the inn, got off a lot of allegories and ambiguities so

that you couldn't make out head or tail. Now he's shown himself up at

last.--Spouted even more than necessary. It's evident that he's a young

man.

SCENE X

The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning to him.

ANNA. Come here, my good man.

GOVERNOR. Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep?

OSIP. No, not yet. He's stretching himself a little.

ANNA. What's your name?

OSIP. Osip, madam.

GOVERNOR [to his wife and daughter]. That'll do, that'll do. [To Osip.]

Well, friend, did they give you a good meal?

OSIP. Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly.

ANNA. Your master has lots of counts and princes visiting him, hasn't

he?

OSIP [aside]. What shall I say? Seeing as they've given me such good

feed now, I s'pose they'll do even better later. [Aloud.] Yes, counts do

visit him.

MARYA. Osip, darling, isn't your master just grand?

ANNA. Osip, please tell me, how is he--

GOVERNOR. Do stop now. You just interfere with your silly talk. Well,

friend, how--

ANNA. What is your master's rank?

OSIP. The usual rank.

GOVERNOR. For God's sake, your stupid questions keep a person from

getting down to business. Tell me, friend, what sort of a man is your

master? Is he strict? Does he rag and bully a fellow--you know what I

mean--does he or doesn't he?

OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists on things being

just so.

GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a fine man, friend. What--?

ANNA. Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform in St. Petersburg?

GOVERNOR. Enough of your tattle now, really. This is a serious matter, a

matter of life and death. (To Osip.) Yes, friend, I like you very much.

It's rather chilly now and when a man's travelling an extra glass of tea

or so is rather welcome. So here's a couple of rubles for some tea.

OSIP [taking the money.] Thank you, much obliged to you, sir. God grant

you health and long life. You've helped a poor man.

GOVERNOR. That's all right. I'm glad to do it. Now, friend--

ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?

MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!

GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. [To Osip.] Tell me, what does your

master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?

OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what

he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.

GOVERNOR. Entertained well?

OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it

that I should be treated well, too. S'help me God! Say we'd stop at

some place and he'd ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No,

badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's not a good host.

Remind me when we get home." "Oh, well," thinks I to myself [with a wave

of his hand]. "I am a simple person. God be with them."

GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given you something for tea.

Here's something for buns, too.

OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. [Puts the money in his pocket.]

I'll sure drink your health, sir.

ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.

MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.

Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.

GOVERNOR. Hush! [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the

scene is carried on in an undertone.] Don't make a noise, for heaven's

sake! Go, it's enough.

ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I noticed about our guest

that I can't tell you unless we are alone together. [They go out.]

GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you'd

want to stop up your ears. [To Osip.] Well, friend--

SCENE XI

The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.

GOVERNOR. Sh--sh! Bandy-legged bears--thumping their boots on the floor!

Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon.

Where in the devil have you been knocking about?

DERZHIMORDA. I had your order--

GOVERNOR. Hush! [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.] Like a bull

bellowing. [Mocking him.] "I had your order--" Makes a noise like an

empty barrel. [To Osip.] Go, friend, and get everything ready for your

master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don't you dare budge

from the spot. And don't let any strangers enter the house, especially

the merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll--The instant you see

anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if

he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of

the neck, give him a good kick, [shows with his foot] and throw him out.

Do you hear? Hush--hush!

He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.

CURTAIN

ACT IV

SCENE: Same as in Act III.

SCENE I

Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy

Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in

full dress-uniform.

AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have

more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial

Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr

Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here.

[Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.]

ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.

AMMOS. Try what?

ARTEMY. It's clear what.

AMMOS. Grease?

ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.

AMMOS. It's risky, the deuce take it. He'll fly into a rage at us. He's

a government official, you know. Perhaps it should be given to him in

the form of a gift from the nobility for some sort of memorial?

POSTMASTER. Or, perhaps, tell him some money has been sent here by post

and we don't know for whom?

ARTEMY. You had better look out that he doesn't send you by post a good

long ways off. Look here, things of such a nature are not done this way

in a well-ordered state. What's the use of a whole regiment here? We

must present ourselves to him one at a time, and do--what ought to be

done, you know--so that eyes do not see and ears do not hear. That's

the way things are done in a well-ordered society. You begin it, Ammos

Fiodorovich, you be the first.

AMMOS. You had better go first. The distinguished guest has eaten in

your institution.

ARTEMY. Then Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth, should go first.

LUKA. I can't, I can't, gentlemen. I confess I am so educated that the

moment an official a single degree higher than myself speaks to me, my

heart stands still and I get as tongue-tied as though my tongue were

caught in the mud. No, gentlemen, excuse me. Please let me off.

ARTEMY. It's you who have got to do it, Ammos Fiodorovich. There's no

one else. Why, every word you utter seems to be issuing from Cicero's

mouth.

AMMOS. What are you talking about! Cicero! The idea! Just because a man

sometimes waxes enthusiastic over house dogs or hunting hounds.

ALL [pressing him]. No, not over dogs, but the Tower of Babel, too.

Don't forsake us, Ammos Fiodorovich, help us. Be our Saviour!

AMMOS. Let go of me, gentlemen.

Footsteps and coughing are heard in Khlestakov's room. All hurry to

the door, crowding and jostling in their struggle to get out. Some are

uncomfortably squeezed, and half-suppressed cries are heard.

BOBCHINSKY'S VOICE. Oh, Piotr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot.

ARTEMY. Look out, gentlemen, look out. Give me a chance to atone for my

sins. You are squeezing me to death.

Exclamations of "Oh! Oh!" Finally they all push through the door, and

the stage is left empty.