YOU CAN DO IT!
A guy once said, "Be sure you're right, then go ahead!" and like the
bird which invented the sayin', "What are you gonna have?" he became
famous on that one line. They's millions of people have repeated both
of them remarks since. As far as the last one is concerned, it's about
died out now and cracked ice has started gettin' acquainted with
lemonade and the like instead of its old haunts, Scotch, Rye and Gin,
which has pulled a Rip Van Winkle. I never told no man I was a fortune
teller, but if I was a bartender right now, believe me, I'd spend my
nights off studyin' the art of makin' chocolate nut sundaes and
pineapple ice cream sodas, because the time has come with alarmin'
suddenness when alcohol will be used only for rubbin' baby's head when
he falls off of the table and the like.
However, that ain't neither here or there, as the guy says which
mislaid his watch, so let's get back to the bird which said, "Be sure
you're right, then go ahead!" That may be a good line, but it's poor
dope for the young. I'll tell the world fair that no winner ever got
paid off by stickin' strictly to that. If Columbus had waited till
somebody sent him a souvenir postal from the Bronx, so's he'd be sure
they really was some choice real estate over here, he never would of
discovered America. Napoleon would never of got further than bein' a
buck private in the army if he'd of played safe instead of goin' ahead
on the "I Should Worry!" plan. I could name a million more guys which
got over along the same lines only I hate to walk to the library. But
pick up any newspaper and the front page will give you the answer. The
guys that go over the top in this well known universe are the boys
which goes ahead _first_ and figures what chances they got afterwards.
They let the results they get tell whether they're _right_ or not. I
don't mean a guy should bust the traffic laws of any of the prominent
virtues in order to be a success, they ain't a game on earth that can't
be played on the level and won clean, but instead of askin' yourself,
"Can I do it?" say, "This will be _soft_ for me!" and you're a odds on
favorite to win!
Me and the wife is sittin' down to breakfast one mornin', and I have
barely had time to find fault with the eggs when they's a ring at the
bell.
"See who that is, will you, dear?" says the wife, turnin' a page of the
_Mornin' Shrapnel_ and shootin' the smile that used to jam the Winter
Garden in my direction. "You know how tired I am in the mornings."
"Yeh," I says, very sarcastical. "Eatin' grape fruit is enough to wear
down the strongest. Since how long have I became the maid around here?"
"Before we were married," she says, sinkin' the last of the cream in
her coffee--a thing she knows full well practically always enrages me.
"Before we was wed, you claimed you'd do anything for me."
"A man can kid, can't he?" I says.
"Don't get catty, dear," says the wife, still featurin' that million
dollar smile. "Hurry, there goes the bell again. You really should
put on your collar and tie before answering the door, too."
"Who d'ye think is payin' us a call--Wilson?" I says. "I ain't
supposed to wear a dress suit in to breakfast, am I?"
They is no answer from the trenches across the table, outside of the
munchin' of food, and as our door bell is makin' the telephone green
with envy from the way it was ringin', I went out and opened the
portals to our flat.
In comes Alex the Great, undisputed champion pest of the world.
He throws his hat on the sofa, kisses the wife, pulls a chair up to the
table and reaches over for the paper. Every one of them things is sure
fire for gettin' my goat!
"No wonder you people never get nowheres!" he remarks. "Sleepin' away
half the day. Here it is eleven o'clock and you just havin' breakfast!
I was up at six, had a ice cold bath and walked ten miles."
"I wish you had of made it eleven!" I says.
"Why?" he asks me.
"Because," I says, "that would of brung you a even two blocks past our
house and I could of had my breakfast in peace."
"How often have I told you that I don't come here to see you?" he
snarls. "If it wasn't for Cousin Alice, I'd never come near your flat!"
"You stayed away a month once," I says, "and she managed to keep out of
the hospitals."
"Oh, hush!" says the wife. "You boys are always snappin' at each
other. A outsider would think you was in business together or
something. How is everything, Alex?"
"Fine!" he says, rubbin' his hands together and castin' a hungry eye
over the bacon and eggs. "I already had a breakfast fit for a king,
but the early mornin' air gimme a fresh appetite. I think I could
stand a little of that bacon and--"
"They's only one piece left," I says, spearin' it with my fork. "Try
and get it!"
"Will you be still?" says the wife. "We have plenty in the ice box,
Alex, if you want some."
"Don't be blowin' about how much food we got in the ice box," I says.
"They may be some spies from Hoover's office around."
"That reminds me," says Alex, makin' the best of it by devourin' all
the crackers and jam. "I expect to go to Washington this week and
offer my services to Mister Hoover."
"What was you thinkin' of doing for Mister Hoover, Alex?" says the wife.
"I got a scheme for--," he begins, when I ceased firin' on the bacon
and eggs and arose.
"Listen!" I butts in. "I don't like to walk out in the middle of your
act, Alex, but I gotta date. I have just bought a infielder from
Jersey City which they tell me is a second Ty Cobb. The last guy which
come recommended to me like that acted like hittin' the ball was a
felony and he must of figured that droppin' grounders put Cobb over. I
have give everything but the franchise for this new bird, and I wanna
see right now if he's one of them things or a ball player."
"Don't make no engagements for to-night," says the wife, "because we're
goin' to the movies with them lovely Wilkinsons."
"Who's them lovely Wilkinsons?" I says.
"You could spend a year at the bottom of the ocean and never get
acquainted with a fish!" says the wife. "The Wilkinsons is the people
which just moved in across the hall. Her husband is a salesman for a
big wholesale clothing house downtown and if you're nice to him he can
prob'ly get you a raincoat or something, for a great deal different
price than you'd pay yourself."
"Yeh," I says. "It would no doubt cost me about ten bucks _more_, if I
bought it from him! I know them birds. That guy will gimme his card
and send me down to the foundry where he works, and they'll sell me
somethin' which has graced their shelves for the last ten years, at ten
per cent over the retail price. The public will laugh me outa wearin'
it and, on top of that, this guy will want the first five rows at the
world's series for doin' me the favor! Anyways, I don't need no
raincoat, I got two already."
"I never seen nobody like you," says the wife. "I'll bet you think the
war was a frame-up! Accordin' to you, nobody or nothin' is on the
level, and the whole world and Yonkers is out to give you the work. I
have already talked with Mister Wilkinson, which is a nice little
innocent fellow and not a brute like you which battles night and day
with his wife, and he will have a raincoat up here for you to-morrow."
I throwed up my hands!
"How much is it?" I says.
"Practically nothin'," says the wife. "Forty-five dollars."
Oh, boy!
"Listen!" I says, openin' the door. "Unless that bird has give you his
age in mistake for the price of the raincoat, you can tell him that if
I had forty-five bucks to hurl away like that I wouldn't wear no
raincoat. I wouldn't care if it rained or not!"
"It's one of the latest trench models," says the wife. "I got two of
them. One for myself."
"You and that lovely little Wilkinson will have to shoot craps for them
then!" I hollers. "I wouldn't let him take me for ninety bucks if--"
"They are both paid for long ago," smiles the wife, pinchin' my cheek,
and pullin' the smile that used to get her photo in the magazines. "I
give him a check last week!"
As unfortunately I am nothin' but human, I beat it before they was
violence and bloodshed. I was afraid to trust myself with speech, but
I managed to let off a little steam before I left by throwin' three
pillows and a Rumanian beer stein at Alex, havin' caught him grinnin'
at me like a idiot.
It was about six hours before I got back and my temper had failed to
improve with age, havin' had a rough day at the ball park. We played a
double-header with the Phillies and lost a even two games. Both the
scores sounded more like Rockefeller's income tax than anything else.
Iron Man Swain pitched the first game for us and before five innin's
had come and went, I found out that the only thing iron about him was
his nerve in drawin' wages as a pitcher. Everybody connected with the
Philly team but the batboy got a hit and from the way them guys run
around the bases it looked more like a six-day race than a ball game!
I sent in Red Mitchel to pitch the second half of the massacre, and all
he had was a boil on his arm. As far as his offerin's was concerned,
everybody on the Philly club could of been christened Home Run Baker.
When he throwed the ball on the clubhouse roof tryin' to get a guy
nappin' off first, lettin' in two extry runs instead, I went out to the
box and removed him by hand. Ed Raymond finished the game for us, and
he's so scared we might win it that he walks the first three men and
knocks the fourth guy cold with a inshoot. I didn't even stay to see
the finish--I had enough!
One of the features of the day was the work of this so-called "Second
Ty Cobb" at short. He come to bat eleven times in the two games and
got one hit. That was a left jab from the Philly first baseman which
got peeved at bein' called a liar and bounced one off the Second Ty
Cobb's ear. At fieldin' he made more errors than the Kaiser and was
just as popular with the crowd. I give up five thousand berries and a
outfielder for him, and after them two games I couldn't of sold him as
a watch charm to the manager of a high school club!
From all of this you may get an idea of the sweet humor I was in when I
blowed into the flat that night. My idea was to put on the feed bag,
and then go around to the corner and play a little pinochle with the
gang. Like the guy which fell off Washington's Monument I was doomed
to disappointment, because they was quite a little reception committee
awaitin' me. Among them present besides the wife was Alex and them
lovely Wilkinsons.
The lovely Wilkinsons consisted of the regular set--husband and wife.
They had only been wed about three weeks, new time, and from the way
they behaved towards each other, a innocent bystander would think they
had only staggered away from the altar a hour before. They sit
together on the sofa, three inches closer to each other than the paper
is to the wall and both of them must of been palmists judgin' from the
way they hung on to each other's hands. The male of the layout is a
husky kid which either come direct from one of the college football
teams or had just knocked off posin' for the lingerie ads in the
subway. The female would of been a knockout, if my wife had been in
Denver, but bein' in the same room with her the best Mrs. Wilkinson
could do was to finish a good second. They is one thing about the
wife, they may be dames which can knit sweaters faster than her, but
when it comes to bein' excitin' to gaze upon she leads the league! I
don't have to tell the world that, the world keeps tellin' it to me.
This here is far from our first season as matrimoniacs, and when I say
that it still makes me dizzy to look at her, you may get a idea of how
she checks up.
But to get back to them lovely Wilkinsons, they are sittin' there on
the sofa keepin' a close eye on each other, and Alex is givin' 'em
everything he's got in the line of chatter. They're both payin' the
same undivided attention to him that the Board of Aldermen in
Afghanistan pays to the primaries in Bird's Nest, Va. Them babies is
too busy gazin' on each other and bein' happy, and while that stuff
gets silly at times--they is worse things than that.
After we have got the introductions all took care of, the wife rushes
me down to Delicatessen Row to grab off some extry food on account of
these added starters at our modest evenin' meal. I got a armful of
these here liberty links, _nee_ frankfurters, and some liberty cabbage
which before the Kaiser went nutty was knowed as sauerkraut. They
ain't no use callin' off all the other little trinkets I got to help
make the table look tasty, especially as Mister Hoover is liable to
scan this and I don't wanna get myself in wrong, but when I got through
shoppin' I didn't have enough change left out of a five-case note to
stake myself to a joyride in the subway.
Just as we're goin' to the post in this supper handicap, the bell
rings, and in come Eve, which same is no less than the blushin' bride
of Alex. They is now so many people in the flat that for all the
neighbors know I have opened up a gamblin' dive or one of them cabaret
things. Everybody is talkin', with the exception of me, which havin'
sit down to eat proceeded to do so with the greatest abandon, as the
guy says. Them three girls--the wife, the lovely Mrs. Wilkinson and
Eve, was sure some layout to have across the table, I'll tell the world
fair! They had the front row of the Follies lookin' like washwomen
durin' the rush hour, and all I did was sit there and eat and wonder
how in Heaven's name they ever come to fall for a set of guys like me,
Alex and the lovely Wilkinson.
Well, the meal come to an end without no violence, and they was only
one time when it seemed like boxin' gloves would be needed. Even that
wasn't exactly _my_ fault. From the general chatter of the lovely
Wilkinson, I figured him as a big, fatheaded, good-lookin' bonehead
whose greatest trick so far had been marryin' his wife. He got my goat
a coupla times hand runnin' by dealin' himself, first, the last piece
of bread and, second, the last potato on the table. Either one of them
things would of enraged me by themselves, but pullin' 'em together was
a open dare to me to commit homicide. I laid for him for a half hour
and fin'ly I get a openin'.
"Mister Wilkinson is packed to the ears with ambition," says the wife
to me across the table. "He expects to fall into a lot of money very
shortly."
"I don't see how they can be no room for him to be packed with nothin'
else," I says, "after all the meat and potatoes he put away to-night.
And as far as that fallin' into a lot of money is concerned, he must be
figurin' on stumblin' at the door of the mint, hey?"
They is a dead silence and the lovely Wilkinson give a nervous snicker
and piled up his plate with liberty links and cabbage to hide his
confusion. Alex laughs like a hyena and Mrs. Wilkinson looks even
prettier when mad than she did when tryin' to be a charmin' guest. The
wife gimme a glance that would of killed a guy with a weaker heart and
tries to laugh it off.
"You mustn't mind him," she says. "He's always kiddin' that way about
everything. Really--I'm--I'm so angry I don't know what to do!"
"I'll tell you what to do," I says. "See if you can get the embargo
lifted on that food down at your end of the table and ease a little
nourishment up here!"
"He oughta leave the table!" remarks Alex.
"You ain't talkin' to me!" I says. "I'm wonderin' if you guys will
leave the table or not. You already have eat everything else!"
"That's right!" says the wife. "Go ahead and advertise the fact that I
have married a roughneck!"
"My neck must of got that way from wearin' that sweater you knit me," I
says. "Hey, dearie?"
Eve gimme a laugh, but I seen the wife was gettin' ready to bring up
the heavy artillery so I laid off.
While the girls is seein' what soap and water will do to a pail of
dishes, I released some cigars and us strong men had a even stronger
smoke. The lovely Wilkinson seems to have somethin' on his mind and
says practically nothin', both when he talked and when he didn't. Alex
kids me about my ball team and, finely, the household cares bein'
attended to in the kitchen, we all set sail for the movies.
The wife calls me aside, gimme a kiss and says for me to buy the
tickets. Of course after she done that I don't have to tell you who
pushed the quarters in under the cashier's window. The picture we seen
was one of them forty-eight reel thrillers and was called "Lunatic
Lily's Lover" or somethin' like that. They was a guy killed in every
reel but the first one. They was three killed in that. The picture
must of been made by the local branch of the suicide club, assisted by
a lot of candidates for the insane asylum. I'll tell the world that
the guy which wrote the scenario had at least delirium tremens. The
girls thought it was great, but I knew better and put in my time
figurin' out on the back of a envelope how many games we had to lose to
be in last place by August.
The lovely Wilkinson gets very talkative once inside the theatre. He
starts right in on the picture and claims it's a awful thing. Every
time a guy goes over a cliff or dives off of a bridge and all the
salesladies and bankers sittin' around us gasps out loud, he speaks up
and says it's all faked with a trick camera and they ain't none of them
really doin' nothin' at all. He claims he's got a friend which used to
sell tickets for a movie theatre and he told him all about it. The
more stunts the hero of this picture does, the worse the lovely
Wilkinson gets, and it ain't long before he has captured the goat of
friend Alex, which is champion moving picture fan of the United States
and Coney Island. When the lovely Wilkinson claims that nobody in real
life could do the tricks this movie hero was pullin' off, Alex butts in.
"How do _you_ know them things can't be done?" he says.
"Anybody but an idiot could see that!" says Wilkinson. "The idea of
trying to make intelligent people believe that this fellow with his
hair brushed back like a rabbit's could sell one of those wealthy
millionaires gold mines and the like. Why, he'd be thrown out of the
office and--"
"No wonder you ain't a success!" butts in Alex.
The lovely Wilkinson shows a little spirit.
"How do you know I ain't a success?" he says. "I'm making my good
twenty-five dollars each and every week."
"Yeh?" sneers Alex. "I once heard tell of a feller which was makin'
thirty, but I ain't sure of it because none of the newspapers said a
word about it." He turns around and lowers his voice on account of
some hisses comin' from fans in the back. "Look here!" he says. "All
jokes to one side, they ain't nothin' that this feller done in the
picture that can't be done by anybody. A man can do anything he wants
to, _anything_, they ain't no limit--if he's got enough sand to fight
his way through whatever stands in his way! I don't care what the
thing is he wants, a man can get anything if he keeps tryin' and--"
"You hate yourself, don't you?" butts in the lovely Wilkinson,
peevishly. "I suppose you think _you_ could do anything--"
"I do not," says Alex. "I _know_ it! I ain't talkin' about myself
though, I'm talkin' about you. You're a young married feller with a
sweet, beautiful, and, for all I know, sensible little wife. You
people are just startin' out, and I want to see you make good. I think
you got the stuff in you somewheres, but not to be rough or nothin' of
the sort, I must say you have been a success at concealin' it so far.
Twenty-five dollars a week ain't enough wages for nobody--as long as
they's somebody makin' twenty-six--understand? And if you get where
they pay you twenty-five dollars a _minute_ instead of a week, you
wanna try and make 'em think you're worth thirty! The mistake you and
a lot of young fellers make is quittin' at a given point. They ain't
no point to quit! I bet when you was makin' eighteen dollars a week
you hustled like blazes to make twenty, but when you got up to
twenty-five you prob'ly told yourself that you was makin' as much as
most of the boys you knew and more than some, so why wear yourself out
and slave for a fatheaded boss, eh? Right in sight of the grandstand
you blew up and quit in the stretch. I bet you think right now that
you're makin' good because you're holdin' down the job, hey? That
ain't makin' good, that's stealin' the boss's money--petty larceny, and
deprivin' your future kids of a even chance--a felony! Give the boss
everything you got, and he'll pay for it. If he don't, get out and
dive in somewheres else! They ain't no place on earth where they ain't
a openin' for a live one at any hour of the day or night!"
The lovely Wilkinson says nothin'.
Pretty soon and much to my delight, this here picture comes to a end,
and while we're goin' out in the lobby, the lovely Wilkinson calls his
wife aside and whispers somethin' in her ear. It ain't over a second
later that we're all invited up to the Wilkinson flat for a little bite
and the like before retirin'.
The girls starts a hot and no doubt interestin' argument about how many
purls make a knit and so forth, and the lovely Wilkinson, after
fidgetin' around a bit, calls us into another room. He closes the door
very careful.
"I got something very personal and very important I'd like to speak to
you about," he says to Alex.
"I'll go out on the fire escape," I says.
"No!" he says. "I want you to stay and hear this too." He turns to
Alex again. "I been thinking over what you said in the theatre
to-night," he begins, "and I guess you're pretty near right about me.
However, I have a big chance now to make good and get out of the
twenty-five dollar class, only, as usual, luck is against me."
"They is no such thing as luck," says Alex. "Forget about that luck
thing, put the letter 'P' before the word and you got it! That's the
first rule in my booklet, 'Success While You Wait.' I must send you
one."
"Thanks," says the lovely Wilkinson. "You see, I'm a salesman for a
big wholesale clothing house downtown and right at the beginning of the
war I went up to Plattsburg to try for a commission in the army. I was
rejected on account of a bad eye. While I was up there, I met Colonel
Williams, who is now practically in charge of the buying of equipment
for the army. I've been trying for months to land the overcoat
contract for my house and last week I finally got things lined up. I
have got to have one thousand of our storm-proof army coats in
Washington by five o'clock to-morrow afternoon. At that time, Colonel
Williams will see me at the War Department and I can give him prices on
various lots and so forth."
"Why do you have to bring that many coats down?" asks Alex. "Wouldn't
a couple be enough for a sample?"
"No," says Wilkinson. "These coats are to be given to men in a
cantonment near Washington, where they will get actual wear under
varying conditions. If I'm not in Washington with them at five
to-morrow, I'll lose my chance because, the following day, men from
four rival houses have appointments with the Colonel."
"Well," I butts in, "what's stoppin' you from goin' to Washington?"
"Nothing is stopping _me_," he says, "but I can't get the coats down
there with me in time! The two shipments that we have sent by freight
have gone astray somewhere and, as government supplies have the right
of way over all other shipments, the express companies will not
guarantee a delivery at any set time."
"But them coats are government supplies, ain't they?" says Alex.
"Not yet!" says the lovely Wilkinson. "Not until they are accepted.
Right now they are nothing but samples of clothing. I've gone into
that part thoroughly."
Alex gets up and walks around the room a coupla times, throwin' up a
smoke screen from his cigar. Then he stops and looks at his watch.
"It's now almost eleven o'clock," he says. "Where are them coats?"
The lovely Wilkinson looks puzzled.
"Why," he says. "Why--they're in our stock room at 245 Broadway."
"Can we get in there to-night?" asks Alex, reachin' for his hat.
"I have a key," says Wilkinson, "but I'm afraid I don't quite get the
idea. I--"
"Look here!" says Alex, very brisk. "I'm goin' to deliver you and one
thousand of them overcoats outside the War Department in Washington at
five o'clock to-morrow afternoon! What will you get if you land this
order?"
The lovely Wilkinson leaps out of his chair.
"Why--I--," he splutters, "I--get fifteen per cent if--but you can't
get the coats there, it's impossible! Why--"
"Never let me hear you use that word impossible' again!" snorts Alex.
"Speak United States! I spent a half hour to-night tellin' you that a
man can do _anything_ if he wants to. Now look here, they ain't no
time to lose. I'll land you and your coats in Washington to-morrow on
time. That will cost your firm around a thousand dollars--the same
bein' the price of the means of locomotion. I will take your word of
honor that you will pay me twenty per cent of any profits you make on
any order you take as a result of my efforts. Is it a bargain? Speak
quick!"
"If you are thinking of getting a special train," says Wilkinson, "it
can't be--"
"Yes or no!" hollers Alex. "I'll take care of the rest!"
"Yes!" yells the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' around like some of Alex's
pep has entered his system. "If you put this over for me, I'll give
you _half_ of anything I get!"
"You're gonna put it over yourself!" says Alex. "Now listen to me.
You grab a taxi and beat it down to your stock room. Get them
overcoats ready and in about a hour I'll call there for you. We're
goin' to Washington to-night and don't be over five minutes sayin'
good-by to your wife!"
"But--" says Wilkinson, lookin' like Alex had him hypnotized.
"Git!" bawls Alex, and slams a hat on the lovely Wilkinson's head.
Well, within four minutes the lovely Wilkinson has beat it, leavin'
behind a astounded and weepin' wife and Alex is on the phone callin' up
the Gaflooey Auto Company's service station and in ten minutes more he
has arranged to have a truck and a mechanic chug-chuggin' outside the
house. Then he turns to me.
"Here is another chance for you to lose some dough," he says. "I'm
gonna take Wilkinson and his trick overcoats down to Washington by way
of a auto truck. If we leave here at midnight, we got about seventeen
hours to make 225 miles, that's an average of around thirteen miles a
hour. The Gaflooey one-ton truck can make twenty, if chased. Of
course we may hit some bum roads or lose the carburetor and so forth,
which might delay us some. What'll you bet I don't put this over?"
I walked over to the window and looked out at New York. They is one of
them rains fallin' that generally plays a week stand before passin' on
to the next village. I figured that trip in the middle of the night,
the rain and the tough goin'.
"Gimme a proposition," I says.
"All right," says Alex. "Me and Eve needs some furniture for the
library. I'll bet you fifteen hundred against a thousand that I get
Wilkinson in Washington in time to put over his deal."
"I got you," I says. "If he gets there too late to put over anything
with the War Department, I win--right?"
"Correct!" says Alex. "And now have Cousin Alice put up some
sandwiches and the like for us. I got a lot to do!"
Well, at five minutes to twelve that night they was a Gaflooey truck
gasolined its merry way aboard a Forty-second Street ferry. On board
it was Alex, the lovely Wilkinson, one thousand storm-proof army
overcoats and yours in the faith.
I ain't liable to forget that trip for a long while to come, because I
got soaked to the skin--with water--and just missed gettin' pneumonia
by one cough. The rain kept gettin' worse and worse and it hadn't a
thing on the roads. We went through Trenton, N. J., along around 4
a.m. in a storm that would of made the Flood look like fallin' dew.
The mud is up over the hubs of the truck, but it keeps plowin' along at
a steady gait with Alex and the mechanic takin' turns at the wheel. I
crawled in under some of them one thousand overcoats at Philly and went
to sleep, the last I heard bein' the lovely and half-drowned Wilkinson
callin' out the time every fifteen minutes and moanin', "We'll never
make it!"
Mornin' brung no let up in the rain, but the old Gaflooey truck keeps
thunderin' on. Sometimes we done five miles a hour, sometimes twenty
and when this big baby was goin' twenty, believe me, it was rough
sleddin'! We run into a bridge at Wilmington, Del., and at Baltimore
we bumped a Flivver off of the road, but outside of that they was
nothin' but rain and mud and the lovely Wilkinson complainin' about the
dampness, like he was the only one that was gettin' a endless cold
shower.
It was twenty minutes of five when we rolled into the city limits of
Washington and I'll tell the world we was a rough lookin' bunch. Alex
is grinnin' from ear to ear and slappin' Wilkinson on the back and this
guy has perked up a bit, though wishin' out loud that he was home with
coffee, bacon and eggs and Mrs. Wilkinson. I am cursin' the day that
ever brung Alex into our family circle and wonderin' if death by double
pneumonia is painful. The mechanic is fallin' asleep at the wheel,
wakin' himself up from time to time with shots out of a flask and of
lemon ice-cream sodas or something he had on his hip.
We stopped in front of the War Department and Alex says we better
straighten up ourselves and the overcoats before callin' on Colonel
Williams. At that, the mechanic falls off the seat and dives into a
restaurant and we go back to look at the coats.
"If any of us had any brains," says Alex, jerkin' a coat off the pile,
"we would all of worn one of these here things and kept nice and
dry--_Sufferin mackerel_!" he winds up all of a sudden.
Me and the lovely Wilkinson swings around and there's Alex holdin' up
the coat.
Oh, boy!!!!!
This here storm-proof army coat, which Wilkinson hoped to unload on the
U. S. army, just simply fell apart in his hands! He grabbed another
and another--and they're all alike. The rain has took all the color
outa them, they have shrunk till they is hardly enough cloth to
accommodate the buttons and the linin's, which was supposed to be
leather, has fell right to shreds from the water. All in all, they was
nothin' but a mess of soggy, muddy rags which no self-respectin' junk
dealer would of took for a gift!
The lovely Wilkinson's face is a picture. He's as pale as the mornin'
cream and I thought for a minute he was gonna bust out cryin'. I
couldn't help feelin' sorry for the kid, but when I thought of that
wild night ride through the rain and mud to bring this bunch of garbage
to Washington, I wanted to laugh out loud! And then I remember Alex
bettin' me Wilkinson would take the order, and I haw-hawed myself
silly, right there in the street.
"Shut up!" barks Alex, swingin' around on me. "This here is far from a
laughin' matter. It's pretty serious business!" He turns to Wilkinson
and shakes him by the shoulder. "Young man," he snaps, "is that the
kind of stuff you were goin' to put on our boys which fought for you in
France?"
Wilkinson is lookin' at the coats like they fascinated him.
"Why--why this is terrible!" he stammers, fin'ly. "They told
me--why--Good Heavens, you don't think _I_ knew these things were made
up like this, do you?"
Alex studies him for a minute.
"No," he says, "I don't! You don't look like you'd do that, anyways.
What's the name of your firm?"
"Gerhardt and Schmidt," says Wilkinson. "I know it sounds German, but
both members of the firm have been naturalized and--"
"Never mind that," says Alex. "Even if it wasn't no worse than a
scheme to clean up on a government contract, I think the Secret Service
will be interested in seein' them coats!"
The lovely Wilkinson sits right down on the curb and buries his face in
his hands.
"Good night!" he moans. "I'm done for now. I thought this was going
to be a big thing for me and--"
Alex slaps him on the back.
"No whinin'," he says. "We're still in Washington--you can't tell what
might happen yet."
"You can gimme that fifteen hundred berries right now if you want,
Alex," I says, "because I'm gonna grab the next train for Manhattan.
This is _one_ that beat you and--"
"Ssh!" says the lovely Wilkinson, jumpin' up suddenly. "Here comes
Colonel Williams himself!"
We looked around and sure enough there's two army officers walkin' over
to the War Department. When they got opposite us, Wilkinson braces
himself and steps forward.
"Pardon me, Colonel," he says. "I'm Mister Wilkinson of Gerhardt and
Schmidt. I had an appointment with you to-day at five to show you
those army coats."
The Colonel looks at him.
"Oh, yes," he says, very pleasant. "Just step inside, Mister
Wilkinson. I'll see you in my office. You are very prompt. You must
have been caught in the downpour--you're soaking wet."
"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson. "I--ah--Colonel, I don't think there's any
use of me stepping into your office."
"Eh--why not?" says the Colonel.
Wilkinson turns several of the popular colors.
"I--ah--the fact is," he says, "our coat is not what the United States
government wants, Colonel. I didn't know it at the time I solicited
the contract--I--I've just found it out. We brought the required
number of coats down here by auto truck, not being able to get them
here on time by freight or express. The trip was made in yesterday's
storm and"--he points to the mess on the truck--"there's the coats!"
The Colonel examines a couple of them soggy rags and he gets very
severe. I heard him say somethin' that sounded like "Damn!" a couple
of times, and then he turns to Wilkinson.
"This is a matter for the Department of Justice," he says. "You will
leave the truck and its load right here, Mister Wilkinson, and I'll
personally see that it's taken care of. Your action in coming direct
to me with this evidence is commendable. You may telegraph your firm
that the United States government is holding this shipment for
investigation. I'm sorry for your sake that this happened, as I had
all but made up my mind to give you the contract. If you desire to see
me further, I'll be in my office until six."
With that he stamps away. The other officer who was with him has been
walkin' around the Gaflooey truck all the time and examin' it like it's
the first auto he ever seen in his life.
"Pardon me," he says to Wilkinson, "did I understand you to say that
you made the trip from New York yesterday in the storm on this truck?"
"Yes, sir," says Wilkinson.
The officer pulls out a notebook.
"What time did you leave New York?" he asks, very businesslike.
Wilkinson tells him. Then the officer asks if we had any trouble, how
much gas and oil we used, what was our average speed and a million
other things. Alex's eyes begin to dance around, and he winks at me
like there's somethin' in the air. Fin'ly the officer walks away,
after thankin' the lovely Wilkinson for the information.
"Now!" hollers Alex, grabbin' Wilkinson's arm. "You win!"
"Win?" moans Wilkinson. "I'll be lucky if I don't go to jail!"
"You're crazy!" bellers Alex, gettin' more and more excited. "You had
nothin' to do with this thing--you didn't know the coats was no good.
Forget about that, the thing is you got a chance right now to put over
a bigger thing than them overcoats. You come here to make a sale,
didn't you? All right, go to it! That officer is connected with the
purchasin' department of the government, and he wasted a lot of time
talkin' to you about that truck. Do you realize what a wonderful thing
that was to get down here O.K. in that terrible storm yesterday?
No--_you_ don't, but _he_ did! Right now he's got that there truck on
his mind. Go after him before he gets inside the buildin' and make
your sale!"
"But," says Wilkinson, kinda dazed, "what have I got to sell? The
overcoats are--"
"Damn the overcoats!" hollers Alex. "Sell him the truck that brought
'em down--they ain't nothin' wrong with that! If it's good enough for
a trip like that, it's good enough for the army, ain't it? Hurry up
and make an appointment with him for to-day, and I'll get you the
figures on the Gaflooey truck for a hundred or a million--I know 'em by
heart!"
"By Heavens, I'll chance it!" says Wilkinson, and runs after the
officer.
Comin' up on the train that night I sit in the smoker and write Alex my
check for a thousand berries. They was no two ways about it as he
showed me, because he had bet he would make Wilkinson put over a sale
in Washington. He didn't say _what_ he had to sell. The lovely
Wilkinson, which has sent about five dollars' worth of night letters to
his wife, is sittin' on the other side, delirious with joy and with a
order in his pocket for one thousand Gaflooey trucks as per the one we
come down in. Alex had wired the Gaflooey people and had Wilkinson
appointed a salesman for the Washington territory on his
recommendation. Them guys would do anything for Alex, because he put
'em on the map. With telegraphed credentials from New York, the rest
was a cinch for even the lovely Wilkinson, because the truck sold
itself!
"They is only one thing that beats me," I says to Alex before we turn
in on the sleeper. "Why didn't _you_ sell the truck and make all the
dough yourself?"
"Its a good thing you don't need brains in your game," says Alex, "or
you and Alice would starve! I wanted Wilkinson to make the sale all by
himself, because it will give him confidence, and then, again, he'll
advertise me. I get half of his commission, I grab a bonus from the
Gaflooey people for helpin' the sale along and then there's that
thousand bucks of yours, which I would of lost if I sold the trucks
myself. Also, I have put Mister Wilkinson over, and that's what I
started out to do!"
"You win!" I says. "I don't see how you get away with it. It's past
me!"
"Huh!" says Alex. "They ain't no trick to it at all--why say, even
_you_ could of done it!"