(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._)
_TO A BISHOP._
It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as
they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient
strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other
pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I
believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may
have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the
future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy
your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon.
_TO A GENERAL._
I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing
could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted
me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National
Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was
excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must
help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country
without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it,
you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see
the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They
will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to
anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved
well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion.
_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._
[Illustration]
I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening,
and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the
representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down
my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the
costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she
wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part.
He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the
opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a
very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made me laugh.
Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future. If he sits down
accidentally the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny.
By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to
officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again
to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that
you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you
incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace!
_TO A DOCTOR._
I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite
sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper
way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off
another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as
I can--probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and
give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear
from me, as I may want to see you at any time.
_TO A COACH-BUILDER._
You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of
a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I
fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had
better not make any more carriages until I call. I will come as soon
as I can--probably before Spring twelvemonths.
_TO A RELATIVE._
Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree
with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not
attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, _I
will arrange to visit you in State!_ So you had better mind what you
are about!
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