After this agitated night the morning came, as morning has a knack of
coming, with that calm freshness and _insouciance_ which exasperates a
mind in distress. What does Nature care about what happened last night
or may happen to-morrow? If she had disturbed herself for such trifles,
she must have died of it in her first thousand years. The new day, on
the contrary, was as gay and as easy in her mind as if in all the world
there were no painful puzzles awaiting her, and no inheritance of
yesterday to be disposed of. Somehow the sight of that fresh and joyous
light recalled to Colin the looks of the fair spring mornings in Italy,
which used to burst in upon Arthur’s deathbed with what always seemed to
him a look of careless surprise and inquiry. But Alice for her part
found a tender sweetness in the new day. All that was bright in nature
came and paid court to her by reason of her happiness--for there is no
fairweather friend so frank in her intruded intentions as Nature, though
it is happiness and not grandeur to which she attaches herself. Alice
went down to breakfast that morning, which she had not been able to do
for a long time. She had laid aside her black dress by instinct, and
put on a white one, which had nothing but its black ribbons to mark it
as mourning; and there was a little delicate colour on her cheek, and
her eyes, though a little too large and clear, had a glimmer of sunshine
in them, like the light in a dewdrop. Colin would have been hardhearted
indeed, had he refused to be moved by that tender revival of health and
hope, which was owing to him solely; and his friends are aware that
Colin was not hardhearted. He was, perhaps, even more thoughtful of her,
more devoted to her, than he would have been had the timidity of real
love been upon him. When the breakfast was over--and naturally there was
still a certain embarrassment upon the party so abruptly united, and
made up of elements so unlike each other--Colin and Alice were left
together. He proposed to her to go out, and they went out, for Alice had
forgotten all about the precautions which the day before were so
necessary for her. They went into the avenue, where the daylight and the
sunshine had tamed down the wind into a cheerful breeze. Nothing of the
landscape outside was to be seen from that sheltered enclosure--no more
than could have been seen through the close shade of the ilexes at
Frascati, which they were both thinking of as they strayed along under
the shadow of the trees; but the stately elms and green transparent lime
leaves which shadowed the avenue of Holmby were as unlike as could be
supposed to the closely woven sombre green which shut out the
overwhelming sunshine in the grounds of the Villa Conti. Here the sun
was very supportable, to say the truth; there was no occasion to shut it
out, and even when a great tree came in the way, and interfered with it,
a little shiver came over Alice. And yet it was June, the same month in
which they had wandered through the ilex cloister, and watched the span
of blue sky blazing at the end, the only indication visible that the
great shining glowing world lay outside. Colin was so full of
recollections, so full of thoughts, that at first he could find but
little to say; and, as for Alice, her content did not stand in need of
any words to express it. Nor could any words have expressed, on the
other hand, the profound remorseful tenderness, almost more tender than
love itself, with which Colin bent over her, and held her supported on
his arm.
“Do you remember the ilexes in the Villa Conti?” he said. “It was about
this time, was it not?”
“It was on the second of June,” said Alice, hastily. She was half vexed
that the day had not been marked by him as by her. “Oh, yes, I remember
every twig, I think,” she said, with a smile. “The second of June was on
a Sunday this year. I think I cried nearly all day, for it seemed as if
you never would come. And not to know where you were, or how you were,
all these four dreary, dreary years!----”
What could Colin do? He pressed the hand that clung to his arm, and
answered as he best could, touched ever more and more with that
tenderness of remorse towards the woman who loved him. “You know it was
not any fault of mine. It was your father who sent me away.”
“Yes, I know,” said Alice; “it was that always that kept me up, for I
knew _you_ would not change. Poor papa! he has had such dreadful
lessons. Mrs. Meredith, you know, and the poor little children! I used
to think, if God would only have taken me, and left them who were so
happy----”
And here there was a little pause, for Alice had some tears to brush
away, and Colin, ever more and more touched, could not but offer such
consolations as were natural under the circumstances. And it was Alice
who resumed at length, with the simple certainty natural to her mind.
“I see now that it was all for the best,” she said; “God has been so
good to us. Oh, Colin, is it not true about His mysterious ways?--and
that everything works together for good, though it may seem hard at the
time.”
Perhaps Colin found it difficult to answer this question; perhaps, not
being absorbed by his own happiness, he could not but wonder over again
if poor Mrs. Meredith and her children who were dead, would have seen
that working of Providence in the same light as Alice did. But then this
was not a subject to be discussed between two lovers; and, if it was not
Providence who had seized upon him in the midst of his thoughtless
holiday, and brought him back to the bonds of his youth, and changed all
his prospects in the twinkling of an eye, what was it? Not the heathen
Fate, taking a blind vengeance upon Folly, which was a harder thing to
think of than the ways, however mysterious, of God. These were not
thoughts to be passing through a man’s mind at such a moment; and Colin
avoided the answer which was expected of him, and plunged into more
urgent affairs.
“I must go away,” he said; “do not look reproachful, Alice. I do not
mean to continue my holiday after this. It seems to me we have waited a
great deal too long already,” Colin went on with a smile, which he felt
to be forced, but which had no such effect upon Alice. “Now that the
obstacles are removed I cannot consent to any longer delay; and you
know I have a house to take you to now, which I had not in the old
times.”
“You had always Ramore,” said Alice; and the way in which she said it
proved to him still once more that, though he had put her out of his
mind, Alice had forgotten nothing he had ever said to her. She spoke of
the farmer’s homely house not as of a place which she heard some vague
talk of so many years ago, but as a home for which she had been longing.
“And your mother!” said Alice; “if you had the most beautiful house in
the world, I want you to take me there first of all; I want you to take
me to her.”
It will be seen from this that Alice did not think there was anything to
be deprecated in Colin’s haste. She accepted it as most reasonable, and
the thing that was to be looked for. She thought it natural that he
should be reluctant to lose sight of her again, as she, for her part,
was very reluctant to lose sight of him; and thus they went on to make
all their necessary arrangements. In this close and tender interview, as
he saw ever more and more how Alice depended upon him, how real the link
between them had been to her even during those long years of separation,
and how, in her perfect good faith and simplicity, she considered him,
and all belonging to him, as hers, Colin himself came to consider it the
most natural and unquestionable conclusion. The pain in his heart
softened, his reluctance seemed to melt away. Alice had more beauty at
this time of her life than ever she had had before. Her weakness, and
the charm of that hidden love which had been so long working in her, and
which had now brightened into the fullest blossom, had given an
expression hitherto wanting to her eyes. She was more individual and
distinct by right of having kept and hoarded that individual attachment
in her heart, in defiance of everything that could be done against it;
and now in Colin’s presence, believing as she did with that confidence
which can be born only of love, in his entire interest in everything
connected with her, her timidity disappeared, and she hourly gained
interest and character. All this had its effect upon Colin so long as
the two were together straying through the avenue, crossing the bars of
shade and the rays of sunshine, listening to the birds singing overhead
and to the rustle of the summer leaves. But it was harder work when they
went indoors again, when Mr. Meredith’s anxious face appeared, and the
grave countenance of Lauderdale, carefully cleared of all anxiety, and
become, so far as that was possible, altogether inexpressive. Colin was
of so uncertain a mood that the very absence of all question in
Lauderdale’s eyes jarred upon him, though he could not have borne to be
interrogated. He was high-fantastical beyond all previous precedent at
that moment; and the readers of this history are aware that already, at
various periods of his life, it had happened to him to be fantastical
enough. The conversation and confidences of the avenue broke clean off
when the party were all assembled within. Alice could not say anything
before her father of her weariness and waiting, or it would have sounded
like a reproach; and Colin, for his part, could not utter a word about
his intentions or prospects to any ears but hers. He could speak to her,
and she, who accepted everything said without any question, found
nothing wanting in his words; and that was already a new link between
them; but before her father and his own friend he was dumb. He could not
even talk to Lauderdale as he had talked to him four years ago at
Frascati; and yet he resented that Lauderdale did not ask him any
questions. From which it will be seen that nothing could well be less
manageable and reasonable than the state of Colin’s mind at this moment,
when the most important decision of his life was being made.
That evening it was he who sought an interview with Mr. Meredith. It was
very clear, in every point of view, that everything should be arranged
with the least delay possible. “I have served half as long as Jacob
did,” Colin said, with a smile, which, however, was far from being the
radiant smile of a happy lover; and Alice’s father, who was not by any
means so confident of Colin’s love as Alice was, was so much concerned
that his daughter should not lose the happiness which meant not only
happiness but life and strength as well, that he did not venture to make
any objections. Neither did the poor man resent the insult, when Colin
repeated with mildness, yet with steadiness, his determination to
receive nothing from him. Alice had something of her own, which came to
her from her mother, the little revenue which Arthur had once had his
share of, and on which the two had lived at Frascati: but beyond that,
Colin, always superlative, would have none of the rich man’s fortune,
which was soiled, as he thought, with fraud and cruelty. Whether this
accusation was just or unjust, poor Mr. Meredith, who was a kind father,
swallowed it without saying anything, and consented to all his future
son-in-law’s requirements. Colin had made up his mind to leave Holmby at
once, to hasten back to Afton, and make all the preparations necessary
to receive his bride; and the marriage was fixed to take place very
shortly--in August, when Colin could take up again his broken thread of
holiday. All this was arranged between the two as an absolute matter of
business, requiring no expression of sentiment. If Mr. Meredith thought
the young man a little cold and stern, and swallowed that sentiment as
he had swallowed the other, after all, perhaps, it was best that in
discussing what was a business matter even a bridegroom should talk in a
business way. And, then, Alice was unquestionably satisfied, and had
regained some colour on her cheek, and some elasticity in her step. She
had never been consumptive, like Arthur. Her illness was a kind of
hopelessness, a lingering languor, which was quite as capable of killing
her as if it had been a legitimate disease; and this was a malady from
which, to all appearance, only Colin and a happy life could deliver her.
Under these circumstances, therefore, it was natural that Mr. Meredith,
though a little wounded, and even a little alarmed, by the new
son-in-law, who meant to have everything his own way, consented to his
wishes, being anxious, above all things, to preserve his daughter. He
caressed and petted Alice all the more when his consent had been made
known to her, with a kind of faint idea, in his ignorance, that all the
indulgences which had surrounded her would be at an end when she put
herself under the power of this abrupt and imperious young man. As for
Alice, she looked from her father to her betrothed with a serenity and
confidence so profound that it went to Colin’s heart. “She has been used
to be taken care of all her life,” her father said, as fathers generally
say, but with an odd forgetfulness, for the moment, that Colin knew
something about that. “I hope you will be very good to her.”
Alice opened her soft lips at this, to give vent to a little ring of
laughter so soft that it did not wound even the fantastical delicacy of
her Bayard. To doubt Colin seemed to her not so much wrong as absurd,
out of all reason. She said, half under her breath, “He has taken care
of me before now”--and, to relieve herself of that which she could not
express to her father without blaming him, it was to Lauderdale she
turned. “You made me feel as if I were a princess,” she said to him, and
held out her hand to the friend who was looking on with an anxiety so
intense that it precluded speech. As for Colin, in the high state of
irritation in which he was, the very silence with which Lauderdale
pressed the little hand of Alice between his own aggravated and
exasperated him. Why did not he say something? Why did he not look him,
the bridegroom, straight in the eyes, and ask, “Are not you happy?” Had
he done so, Colin would have taken it as the direst and most
unpardonable offence; but, in the disturbed state of his heart and mind,
he resented the very absence of the question. A man must have some one
to bear the brunt of his discontent when things go wrong with him, and
in the meantime there was nobody but Lauderdale to take this necessary
part.
Accordingly, when all was settled, and when it was finally arranged that
Colin should leave Holmby next morning and make haste home, to commence
his preparations, it was of his own accord that he invited Lauderdale to
join him in the avenue for half an hour’s talk. The wind had fallen, and
the night was very still, but it was almost as dark as on the previous
evening, and the gloom had this advantage, that they could not see each
other’s faces, which was all the better under the circumstances. They
had walked almost all the length of the avenue before Colin spoke, and
then it was to this effect.
“Lauderdale, look here. I am going home, and leaving you in the lurch.
We are not going to Windermere together, as we meant to do. You see, I
have things more important in hand. What I want to say is, that you are
not to think yourself bound by me. I see no reason why you should return
because a--a good fortune so unexpected has come to me.”
“Do you mean that you want me to go my ways?” said Lauderdale. “With me
there is little need to speak in parables. Say plain out if you would
rather be your lane. I am no a man to take offence--not from you.”
“Good heavens!” said Colin, in his impatience, “why should you or any
one take offence? What I tell you is the plainest statement of the case.
I have to go home, but you are not obliged to go home. And why should
you break off your excursion for me?”
“If I was minding about the excursion,” said Lauderdale, “I would go on.
You aye make so much account of yourselves, you callants. As for
Windermere, I’m no bigoted, but if it’s mair worth seeing than our ain
lochs it would be a wonder to me. I’m no for parting company. It’s aye
been my way of thinking, that even a railroad, seen with four een, was
better than the bonniest country in the world, seen with two only. We’ll
go hame, Colin, if you have no objections, you and me.”
And then there was a silence, and the two friends went on together side
by side in the darkness, without a word to each other. Between them the
ordinary words of congratulation would have sounded like mockery, and
the one divined too clearly the condition of the other to know what to
say. Lauderdale, however, knew Colin so well that he knew silence to be
as dangerous as speech.
“I have an awfu’ desire in my mind,” he said at length; “no doubt it’s
daftlike, but that is no extraordinary. I would like to do something
with my hands to please her, now we’ve found her. I’m no rich, and,
what’s an awful deal worse, I’m no much for anything but talk--and maybe
she has an inkling of that. What was that yon lad Browning says about
Raphael’s sonnets and Dante’s picture? I’m of that opinion mysel’. I
would like to do something with my hands that was nae fit work for the
like of me, just to please her; if it was naething better than the
things they whittle with their knives away yonder among the Alps,” said
Lauderdale; and even in the darkness Colin could see the little flourish
of his arm with which he had the habit of indicating the
never-to-be-forgotten region “away yonder.” “Have patience a moment till
I’ve done speaking,” he went on; “I’ve been thinking I would like to
take a good day’s work at the Manse garden. It’s as innocent a thing in
its way to plant flowers as to write verses. So I’m saying I’ll go home
with you, if you’ve nae objections,” said Lauderdale. He came to a
conclusion so suddenly, that Colin, who had gradually yielded to the
influence of the familiar tranquillising voice, came to a sudden pause
when he stopped short. Lauderdale paused too in his walk when his friend
did so, though without knowing why. It was indifferent to him whether he
kept walking or stood still; his mind went on pursuing its leisurely
meditations all the same.
But Colin’s heart was full. He grasped Lauderdale’s arm without knowing
it, with that sudden impulse of saying something which sometimes comes
upon people who must not say what is in their hearts. “Come!” he said,
with a little choking in his voice, “we will do that day’s work
together; for I suppose there never was gain, however great, but had
loss in it,” said Colin. Perhaps he did not know very well himself what
he meant, but even these vague words were a little ease to him in their
way. And then they went indoors, and the long day came to an end.
This was how the holiday excursion terminated. They left Holmby next
morning, and went home again; neither one nor the other thinking any
more of the Church Reformation, or of the “Tracts for the Times.” When
Colin found his MS. in his writing-case when he opened it on the night
of his arrival at Ramore to write to Alice, he looked at it with a
little wonder, as if it had been a fossil of an early formation
unexpectedly disinterred among the fragments of daily use and wont. And
then he returned it to his pocket, with something that looked like a
very clumsy attempt at a smile. There are points of view from which a
good-sized tree or a shepherd’s cottage may blot out a mountain; and
everybody knows how easily that is accomplished on the moral horizon,
where a tiny personal event can put the greatest revolution in the
background. It would be too long to tell the wonder and admiration and
perplexed joy of the Mistress when she heard of the accident which had
put an end to her son’s journey. Her joy was perplexed, because there
was always a shadow which she could not decipher upon Colin’s
countenance; and, even if her mother’s pride would have permitted her to
consult Lauderdale on such a subject, or to suffer either him or herself
to suppose for a moment that he could know more about her boy than she
did, Lauderdale’s lips were sealed. Colin stayed only a night at Ramore
to let his family know what was going to happen, and then he hurried to
Afton, still accompanied by his friend. They talked of almost everything
in the world during that journey, except of the preparations they were
going to make, and the change that was to follow; but Colin’s great
ambition, and the important changes he meant to work in his native
Church and country, had little part in their discussions. At such a
moment, when it is next to impossible to a man to talk of what he is
thinking of, it is such a wonderful relief for him to escape into
metaphysics; and, fortunately, in that department of human
investigation, there are still so many questions to discuss.