He had resolutely put the thought of Julia as much out of his mind as
possible. He had conquered his disappointment at not being able to see her
for a month, and had resolved to devote that month exclusively to hard
work. And now came another one of those small, square, brief letters with
its disturbing scent of lavender, and its stamp stuck upside down near the
middle of the envelope.
“I will be in town tomorrow when you get this,” she wrote, “But only for a
day or two. We are going to move up to the capital for the rest of the
year. Gordon is going to stay here now. Just mother and I are coming down
to pack up our things. You can come and see me tomorrow evening.”
It was astonishing, it was disturbing, it was incomprehensible. And it did
not fit in with his plans. He had intended to go North and return before
she did; then, with all his affairs in order, ask her to go away with him.
Cortez had already sent word to Alfego that Ramon was coming to Arriba
County. He could not afford a change of plans now. But the prospect of
seeing her again filled him with pleasure, sent a sort of weakening
excitement tingling through his body.
And what did it mean that he was to be allowed to call on her? Had she, by
any chance, won over her mother and brother? No; he couldn’t believe it.
But he went to her house that evening shaken by great hopes and
anticipations.
She wore a black dress that left her shoulders bare, and set off the slim
perfection of her little figure. Her face was flushed and her eyes were
deep. How much more beautiful she was than the image he carried in his
mind! He had been thinking of her all this while, and yet he had forgotten
how beautiful she was. He could think of nothing to say at first, but held
her by both hands and looked at her with eyes of wonder and desire. He
felt a fool because his knees were weak and he was tremulous. But a happy
fool! The touch and the sight of her seemed to dissolve his strength, and
also the hardness and the bitterness that life had bred in him, the streak
of animal ferocity that struggle brought out in him. He was all desire,
but desire bathed in tenderness and hope. She made him feel as once long
ago he had felt in church when the music and the pageantry and sweet
odours of the place had filled his childish spirit with a strange sense of
harmony. He had felt small and unworthy, yet happy and forgiven. So now he
felt in her presence that he was black and bestial beside her, but that
possession of her would somehow wash him clean and bring him peace.
When he tried to draw her to him she shook her head, not meeting his eyes
and freed herself gently.
“No, no. I must tell you.…” She led him to a seat, and went on, looking
down at a toe that played with a design in the carpet. “I must explain. I
promised mother that if she would let me see you this once to tell you, I
would never try to see you again.”
There was a long silence, during which he could feel his heart pounding
and could see that she breathed quickly. Then suddenly he took her face in
both hot hands and turned it toward him, made her meet his eyes.
“But of course you didn’t mean that,” he said.
She struggled weakly against his strength.
“I don’t know. I thought I did.… It’s terrible. You know… I wrote you …
some one saw us together. Gordon and mother found out about it. I won’t
tell you all that they said, but it was awful. It made me angry, and they
found out that I love you. It had a terrible effect on Gordon. It made him
worse. I can’t tell you how awful it is for me. I love you. But I love him
too. And to think I’m hurting him when he’s sick, when I’ve lived in the
hope he would get well.…”
She was breathing hard now. Her eyes were bright with tears. All her
defences were down, her fine dignity vanished. When he took her in his
arms she struggled a little at first; then yielded with closed eyes to his
hot kisses.
Afterward they talked a little, but not to much purpose. He had important
things to tell her, they had plans to make. But their great disturbing
hunger for each other would not let them think of anything else. Their
conversation was always interrupted by hot confusing embraces.
The clock struck eleven, and she jumped up.
“I promised to make you go home at eleven,” she told him.
“But I must tell you … I have to leave town for a while.” He found his
tongue suddenly. Briefly he outlined the situation he faced with regard to
his estate. Of course, he said nothing about the _penitentes_, but he made
her understand that he was going forth to fight for both their fortunes.
“I can’t do it, I won’t go, unless I know I am to have you,” he finished.
“Everything I have done, everything I am going to do is for you. If I lose
you I lose everything. You promise to go with me?”
His eyes were burning with earnestness, and hers were wide with
admiration. He did not really understand her, nor she him. Unalterable
differences of race and tradition and temperament stood between them. They
had little in common save a great primitive hunger. But that,
none-the-less, for the moment genuinely transfigured and united them.
She drew a deep breath.
“Yes. You must promise not to try to see me until then. When you are
ready, let me know.”
She threw back her head, opening her arms to him. For a moment she hung
limp in his embrace; then pushed him away and ran upstairs, leaving him to
find his way out alone.
He walked home slowly, trying to straighten out his thoughts. Her presence
seemed still to be all about him. One of her hairs was tangled about a
button of his coat; her powder and the scent of her were all over his
shoulder; the recollection of her kisses smarted sweetly on his mouth. He
was weak, confused, ridiculously happy. But he knew that he would carry
North with him greater courage and purpose than ever before he had known.