The day was sullen, stormy, and dark. Gray, leaden clouds were
scourged through the sky by a howling southeastern gale, and the
lashed waters of the bay broke along the shore with a solemn,
continued boom. The rain fell drearily, and sheet lightning, pale
and constant, gave a ghastly hue to the scudding clouds. It was one
of those lengthened storms which, during the month of August, are so
prevalent along the Gulf coast. Clara Sanders sat near a window,
bending over a piece of needlework, while, with her hands clasped
behind her, Beulah walked up and down the floor. Their countenances
contrasted vividly; Clara's sweet, placid face, with drooped eyelids
and Madonna-like serenity; the soft, auburn hair curled about her
cheeks, and the delicate lips in peaceful rest. And Beulah!--how
shall I adequately paint the gloom and restlessness written in her
stormy countenance? To tell you that her brow was bent and lowering,
that her lips were now unsteady and now tightly compressed, and that
her eyes were full of troubled shadows, would convey but a faint
impression of the anxious discontent which seemed to have taken
entire possession of her. Clara glanced at her, sighed, and went on
with her work; she knew perfectly well she was in no humor for
conversation. The rain increased until it fell in torrents, and the
hoarse thunder muttered a dismal accompaniment. It grew too dark to
see the stitches; Clara put by her work, and, folding her hands on
her lap, sat looking out into the storm, listening to the roar of
the rushing wind, as it bowed the treetops and uplifted the white-
capped billows of the bay. Beulah paused beside the window, and said
abruptly:
"It is typical of the individual, social, moral, and intellectual
life. Look which way you will, you find antagonistic elements
fiercely warring. There is a broken cog somewhere in the machinery
of this plunging globe of ours. Everything organic, and inorganic,
bears testimony to a miserable derangement. There is not a
department of earth where harmony reigns. True, the stars are
serene, and move in their everlasting orbits, with fixed precision,
but they are not of earth; here there is nothing definite, nothing
certain. The seasons are regular, but they are determined by other
worlds. Verily, the contest is still fiercely waged between Ormuzd
and Ahriman, and the last has the best of it, so far. The three
thousand years of Ahriman seem dawning."
She resumed her walk, and, looking after her anxiously, Clara
answered:
"But remember, the 'Zend-Avesta' promises that Ormuzd shall finally
conquer and reign supreme. In this happy kingdom I love to trace the
resemblance to the millennium which was shown St. John on lonely
Patmos."
"It is small comfort to anticipate a time of blessedness for future
generations. What benefit is steam or telegraph to the moldering
mummies of the catacombs? I want to know what good the millennium
will do you and me when our dust is mingled with mother earth, in
some silent necropolis?"
"Oh, Beulah, what ails you to-day? You look so gloomy and wretched.
It seems to me you have changed sadly of late. I knew that a life of
labor such as you voluntarily assumed would chasten your spirit, but
I did not expect this utter revolution of your natura so soon. Oh,
have done with skepticism!"
"Faith in creeds is not to be put on and laid aside at will, like a
garment. Granted that these same doctrines of Zoroaster are faint
adumbrations of the Hebrew creed, the Gordian knot is by no means
loosed. That prologue in 'Faust' horrified you yesterday; yet, upon
my word, I don't see why; for very evidently it is taken from Job,
and Faust is but an ideal Job, tempted in more subtle manner than by
the loss of flocks, houses, and children. You believe that Satan was
allowed to do his utmost to ruin Job, and Mephistopheles certainly
set out on the same fiendish mission. Mephistopheles is not the
defiant demon of Milton, but a powerful prince in the service of
God. You need not shudder; I am giving no partial account; I merely
repeat the opinion of many on this subject. It is all the same to
me. Evil exists: that is the grim fact. As to its origin--I would
about as soon set off to search for the city Asgard."
"Still, I would not give my faith for all your learning and
philosophy. See what it has brought you to," answered Clara
sorrowfully.
"Your faith! what does it teach you of this evil principle?"
retorted Beulah impatiently.
"At least more than all speculation has taught you. You admit that
of its origin you know nothing; the Bible tells me that time was
when earth was sinless, and man holy, and that death and sin entered
the world by man's transgression--"
"Which I don't believe," interrupted Beulah.
"So you might sit there and stop your ears and close your eyes and
assert that this was a sunny, serene day. Your reception or
rejection of the Biblical record by no means affects its
authenticity. My faith teaches that the evil you so bitterly
deprecate is not eternal; shall finally be crushed, and the harmony
you crave pervade all realms. Why an All-wise and All-powerful God
suffers evil to exist is not for his finite creatures to determine.
It is one of many mysteries which it is as utterly useless to bother
over as to weave ropes of sand."
She gathered up her sewing materials, put them in her basket, and
retired to her own room. Beulah felt relieved when the door closed
behind her, and, taking up Theodore Parker's "Discourses," began to
read. Poor, famishing soul! what chaff she eagerly devoured! In her
anxious haste she paused not to perceive that the attempted
refutations of Christianity contained objections more gross and
incomprehensible than the doctrine assailed. Long before she had
arrived at the conclusion that ethical and theological truth must be
firmly established on psychological foundations, hence she plunged
into metaphysics, studying treatise after treatise and system after
system. To her grievous disappointment, however, the psychology of
each seemed different, nay opposed. She set out believing her
"consciousness" the infallible criterion of truth; this she fancied
philosophy taught, at least professed to teach; but instead of
unanimity among metaphysicians, she found fierce denunciation of
predecessors, ingenious refutations of principles which they had
evolved from rigid analysis of the facts of consciousness, and an
intolerant dogmatism which astonished and confused her. One extolled
Locke as an oracle of wisdom; another ridiculed the shallowness of
his investigations and the absurdity of his doctrines; while a third
showed conclusively that Locke's assailant knew nothing at all of
what he wrote, and maintained that he alone could set matters right.
She studied Locke for herself. Either he was right and all the
others were wrong, or else there was no truth in any. Another
philosopher professed to ground some points of his faith on certain
principles of Descartes; the very next work she read proclaimed that
Descartes never held any such principles, that the writer had
altogether mistaken his views; whereupon up started another, who
informed her that nobody knew what Descartes really did believe on
the subject under discussion; that it was a mooted question among
his disciples. This was rather discouraging, but, nothing daunted,
she bought, borrowed, and read on.
Brown's descent upon Reid greatly interested her. True, there were
very many things she could not assent to; yet the arguments seemed
plausible enough, when lo! a metaphysical giant rescues Reid; tells
her that Brown was an ignoramus; utterly misunderstood the theory he
set himself to criticise, and was a wretched bungler; after which he
proceeds to show that although Brown had not acumen enough to
perceive it, Reid had himself fallen into grave errors and culpable
obscurity. Who was right, or who was wrong, she could not for her
life decide. It would have been farcical, indeed, had she not been
so anxiously in earnest. Beginning to distrust herself, and with a
dawning dread lest after all psychology would prove an incompetent
guide, she put by the philosophies themselves and betook herself to
histories of philosophy, fancying that here all bitter invective
would be laid aside, and stern impartiality prevail. Here the evil
she fled from increased fourfold. One historian of philosophy (who
was a great favorite of her guardian), having lost all confidence in
the subjects he treated, set himself to work to show the fallacy of
all systems, from Anaximander to Cousin. She found the historians of
philosophy as much at variance as the philosophers themselves, and
looked with dismay into the dim land of vagaries into which
metaphysics had drawn the brightest minds of the past. Then her
guardian's favorite quotation recurred to her with painful
significance: "There is no criterion of truth; all is merely
subjective truth." It was the old skeptical palladium, ancient as
metaphysics. She began to despair of the truth in this direction;
but it certainly existed somewhere. She commenced the study of
Cousin with trembling eagerness; if at all, she would surely find in
a harmonious "Eclecticism" the absolute truth she has chased through
so many metaphysical doublings. "Eclecticism" would cull for her the
results of all search and reasoning. For a time she believed she had
indeed found a resting-place; his "true" satisfied her; his
"beautiful" fascinated her; but when she came to examine his
"Theodieea," and trace its results, she shrank back appalled. She
was not yet prepared to embrace his subtle pantheism. Thus far had
her sincere inquiries and efforts brought her. It was no wonder her
hopeful nature grew bitter and cynical; no wonder her brow was bent
with puzzled thought and her pale face haggard and joyless. Sick of
systems, she began to search her own soul; did the very thing of all
others best calculated to harass her mind and fill it with
inexplicable mysteries. She constituted her own reason the sole
judge; and then, dubious of the verdict, arraigned reason itself
before itself. Now began the desperate struggle. Alone and unaided,
she wrestled with some of the grimmest doubts that can assail a
human soul. The very prevalence of her own doubts augmented the
difficulty. On every side she saw the footprints of skepticism; in
history, essays, novels, poems, and reviews. Still her indomitable
will maintained the conflict. Her hopes, aims, energies, all
centered in this momentous struggle. She studied over these world-
problems until her eyes grew dim and the veins on her brow swelled
like cords. Often gray dawn looked in upon her, still sitting before
her desk, with a sickly, waning lamplight gleaming over her pallid
face. And to-day, as she looked out on the flying clouds, and
listened to the mournful wail of the rushing gale, she seemed to
stand upon the verge of a yawning chaos. What did she believe? She
knew not. Old faiths had crumbled away; she stood in a dreary waste,
strewn with the wreck of creeds and systems; a silent desolation!
And with Richter's Christ she exclaimed: "Oh! how is each so
solitary in this wide grave of the All? I am alone with myself. Oh,
Father! oh, Father, where is thy infinite bosom, that I might rest
on it?" A belief in something she must have; it was an absolute
necessity of the soul. There was no scoffing tendency in her
skepticism; she could not jest over the solemn issues involved, and
stood wondering which way she should next journey after this "pearl
of great price." It was well for her that garlands of rhetoric and
glittering logic lay over the pitfalls before her; for there were
unsounded abysses, darker than any she had yet endeavored to fathom.
Clara came back, and softly laid her hand on her friend's arm.
"Please put up your book and sing something for me, won't you?"
Beulah looked at the serene countenance, so full of resignation, and
answered gloomily:
"What! are you, too, tired of listening to this storm-anthem nature
has treated us to for the last two days? It seems to me the very
universe, animate and inanimate, is indulging in an uncontrollable
fit of the 'blues.' One would almost think the dead-march was being
played up and down the aisles of creation."
She pressed her hands to her hot brow, as if to wipe away the
cobwebs that dimmed her vision, and, raising the lid of the piano,
ran her fingers over the keys.
"Sing me something hopeful and heart-cheering," said Clara.
"I have no songs of that description."
"Yes, you have: 'Look Aloft' and the 'Psalm of Life.'"
"No, no. Impossible. I could not sing either now," replied Beulah,
averting her face.
"Why not now? They are the excelsior strains of struggling pilgrims.
They were written for the dark hours of life."
"They are a mockery to me. Ask me for anything else," said she,
compressing her lips.
Clara leaned her arm on the piano, and, looking sadly at her
companion, said, as if with a painful effort:
"Beulah, in a little while we shall be separated, and only the All-
Father knows whether we shall meet on earth again. My application
for that situation as governess up the country brought me an answer
to-day. I am to go very soon."
Beulah made no reply, and Clara continued sorrowfully:
"It is very painful to leave my few remaining friends and go among
perfect strangers, but it is best that I should." She leaned her
head on her hand, and wept.
"Why is it best?"
"Because here I am constantly reminded of other days and other
hopes, now lying dead on my heart. But we will not speak of this. Of
all my ties here, my love for you is now the strongest. Oh, Beulah,
our friendship has been sacred, and I dread the loneliness which
will be my portion when hundreds of miles lie between us! The links
that bind orphan hearts like ours are more lasting than all others."
"I shall be left entirely alone, if you accept this situation. You
have long been my only companion. Don't leave me, Clara," murmured
Beulah, while her lips writhed and quivered.
"You will have the Asburys still, and they are sincere friends."
"Yes, friends, but not companions. What congeniality is there
between those girls and myself? None. My isolation will be complete
when you leave me."
"Beulah, will you let me say what is in my heart?"
"Say it freely, my brown-eyed darling."
"Well, then, Beulah; give it up; give it up. It will only bow down
your heart with untold cares and sorrows."
"Give up what?"
"This combat with loneliness and poverty."
"I am not lonely," answered Beulah, with a wintry smile.
"Oh, Beulah! yes, you are; wretchedly lonely. I have been but a poor
companion for you; intellectually, you are far beyond me, and there
has been little congeniality in our tastes and pursuits. I have
always known this; and I know, too, that you never will be a happy
woman until you have a companion equal in intellect, who understands
and sympathizes with you. Ah, Beulah! with all your stubborn pride,
and will, and mental endowments, you have a woman's heart; and crush
its impulses as you may, it will yet assert its sway. As I told you
long ago, grammars, and geographies, and duty could not fill the
void in my heart; and, believe me, neither will metaphysics and
philosophy and literature satisfy you. Suppose you do attain
celebrity as a writer. Can the plaudits of strangers bring back to
your solitary hearth the loved dead, or cheer you in your hours of
gloom? I too am an orphan; I speak of what I can appreciate. You are
mistaken, Beulah, in thinking you can dispense with sympathy. You
are not sufficient for yourself, as you have so proudly maintained.
God has created us for companionship; it is a necessity of human
nature."
"Then why are you and I orphaned for all time?" asked Beulah coldly.
"The sablest clouds of sorrow have silver linings. Perhaps that you
and I might turn more continually to the God of orphans. Beulah, God
has not flooded earth with eternal sunlight. He knew that shadows
were needed to chasten the spirits of his children, and teach them
to look to him for the renewal of all blessings. But shadows are
fleeting, and every season of gloom has its morning star. Oh, I
thank God that his own hand arranged the chiaroscuro of earth!" She
spoke earnestly; the expression of her eyes told that her thoughts
had traveled into the dim, weird land of futurity. Beulah offered no
comment; but the gloom deepened on her brow and her white fingers
crept restlessly over the piano keys. After a moment's silence,
Clara continued:
"I would not regret our separation so much if I left you in the
possession of Christian faith; armed with a perfect trust in the
religion of Jesus Christ. Oh, Beulah, it makes my heart ache when I
think of you, struggling so fiercely in the grasp of infidelity!
Many times have I seen the light shining beneath your door, long
after midnight, and wept over the conflict in which I knew you were
engaged; and only God knows how often I have mingled your name in my
prayers, entreating him to direct you in your search, to guide you
safely through the paths of skepticism, and place your weary feet
upon the 'rock of ages.' Oh, Beulah, do not make my prayers vain by
your continued questioning! Come back to Christ and the Bible."
Tears glided down her cheeks as she passed her arm round her friend,
and dropped her head on her shoulder. Beulah's eyelids trembled an
instant, but there was no moisture in the gray depths, as she
answered:
"Thank you, Clara, for your interest. I am glad you have this faith
you would fain lead me to. Not for worlds would I unsettle it, even
if I could. You are comforted in your religion, and it is a
priceless blessing to you. But I am sincere, even in my skepticism.
I am honest; and God, if he sees my heart, sees that I am. I may be
an infidel, as you call me, but, if so, I am an honest one; and if
the Bible is all true, as you believe, God will judge my heart. But
I shall not always be skeptical; I shall find the truth yet. I know
it is a tedious journey I have set out on, and it may be my life
will be spent in the search; but what of that, if at last I attain
the goal? What if I only live to reach it? What will my life be to
me without it?"
"And can you contentedly contemplate your future, passed as this
last year has been?" cried Clara.
"Perhaps 'contentedly' is scarcely the right term. I shall not
murmur, no matter how dreary the circumstances of my life may be,
provided I succeed at last," replied Beulah resolutely.
"Oh, Beulah, you make my heart ache!"
"Then try not to think of or care for me."
"There is another heart, dear Beulah, a heart sad but noble, that
you are causing bitter anguish. Are you utterly indifferent to this
also?"
"All of the last exists merely in your imagination. We will say no
more about it, if you please."
She immediately began a brilliant overture, and Clara retreated to
the window. With night the roar of the tempest increased; the rain
fell with a dull, uninterrupted patter, the gale swept furiously on,
and the heaving, foaming waters of the bay gleamed luridly beneath
the sheet-lightning. Clara stood looking out, and before long Beulah
joined her; then the former said suddenly:
"Do you remember that, about six years ago, a storm like this tossed
the 'Morning Star' far from its destined track, and for many days it
was unheard of? Do you remember, too, that it held one you loved;
and that, in an agony of dread lest he should find a grave among
coral beds, you bowed your knee in prayer to Almighty God, imploring
him to calm the tempest, hush the gale, and save him who was so dear
to you? Ah, Beulah, you distrusted human pilots then!"
As Beulah made no reply, she fancied she was pondering her words.
But memory had flown back to the hour when she knelt in prayer for
Eugene, and she thought she could far better have borne his death
then, in the glorious springtime of his youth, than know that he had
fallen from his noble height. Then she could have mourned his loss
and cherished his memory ever after; now she could only pity and
despise his folly. What was that early shipwreck she so much
dreaded, in comparison with the sea of vice, whose every wave tossed
him helplessly on to ruin. He had left her an earnest believer in
religion; he came back scoffing at everything sacred. This much she
had learned from Cornelia. Was there an intimate connection between
the revolutions in his nature? Misled by her silence, Clara said
eagerly:
"You were happy in that early faith. Oh, Beulah, you will never find
another so holy, so comforting!"
Beulah frowned and looked up impatiently.
"Clara, I am not to be persuaded into anything. Leave me to myself.
You are kind, but mistaken."
"If I have said too much, forgive me; I was actuated by sincere
affection and pity for your state of mind."
"I am not an object of pity by any means," replied Beulah very
coldly.
Clara was unfortunate in her expressions; she seemed to think so,
and turned away. But, conscious of having spoken hastily, Beulah
caught her hand, and exclaimed frankly:
"Do not be hurt with me; I did not intend to wound you. Forgive me,
Clara. Don't go. When are you to leave for your new home?"
"Day after to-morrow. Mr. Arlington seems anxious that I should come
immediately. He has three children--a son and two daughters. I hope
they are amiable; I dread lest they prove unruly and spoiled. If so,
woe to their governess."
"Does Mr. Arlington reside in the village to which you directed your
letter?"
"No. He resides on his plantation, several miles from the village.
The prospect of being in the country is the only redeeming feature
in the arrangement. I hope my health will be permanently restored by
the change; but of the success of my plan only time can decide."
"And when shall we meet again?" said Beulah slowly.
"Perhaps henceforth our paths diverge widely. We may meet no more on
earth; but, dear Beulah, there is a 'peaceful shore, where billows
never beat nor tempests roar,' where assuredly we shall spend an
eternity together if we keep the faith here. Oh, if I thought our
parting now was for all time I should mourn bitterly, very bitterly;
but I will not believe it. The arms of our God support you. I shall
always pray that he will guide and save you." She leaned forward,
kissed Beulah's forehead, and left the room.