(_For the Mirror._)
She must be, _à plaisir_, tall and slender in person, or of humbler
stature, but never inclining to stoutness, since the _en bon point_
savours (at least in romance) of vulgarity. Her complexion may be light
or dark, according to fancy; but her interesting pallidness may
occasionally be relieved by a hectic flush, yet more interesting. She
must possess small _alabaster_ hands, _coral_ or _ruby_ lips, enchasing
a double row of _pearls_; a neck rivalling _ivory_ or driven _snow_,
(yes, even if our heroine be a brunette, for incongruity is the very
essence of romance); _velvet_ cheeks, _golden_ or _jet_ black hair,
_diamond_ eyes, marvellous delicate feet, shrouded at all times in
_bas-de-soie_, and defended by the most enchanting slippers imaginable;
her figure must be a model for the statuary, and at all seasons, and in
every situation, arrayed in muslins or silks, which, wondrous to relate,
resist the injuries of time, weather, and wear in a manner perfectly
astounding. What heroine had ever an hiatus in her stocking, or a
fracture in her gown of finest woof? Ye gods! what an insult to suppose
her _repairing such_! The lady's mental accomplishments and
qualifications are as follow:--She sings divinely, plays on the harp
(and piano too in modern days) _à merveille_; occasionally condescends
to fascinate on the guitar, and the lute also, should that instrument,
now rather antiquated, fall in her way. She takes portraits, and
sketches from nature; she understands _all_ languages, or rather that
desideratum, an _universal tongue_, since in the most foreign lands she
is never at a loss to render herself understood, nor to comprehend that
which is addressed to her; she is of a melancholy cast of mind, and
carries sal-volatile in her reticule, and fountains of tears in her
eyes, for use on the most _public_ occasions; she likes gloomy
apartments, looking upon the sea, mountains, or black forests, and
leading into endless corridors; she has an Æolian lyre ever at her
casement, writes verses and weeps by moonlight, for--effect, or--
_nothing_; and is enamoured with a being, who, in the common course
of nature, could not exist; he possessing, amongst other fine qualities,
that of omnipresence in an impious degree. Should the heroine reside in
a town, and especially London, she must have dwelt previously in some
isolated mansion, seldom visited by beings superior in intellect to the
foxes they hunt; an idiot mother, vulgar aunt, a father, an uncle, or a
guardian in his dotage, must have superintended her education; and when,
at the age of sixteen, some fortunate chance throws her into society,
her accomplishments and manners are found more fitting for it and
finished, than those of persons who have from their cradles associated
with families of the highest distinction, and possessed all the
advantages of a polished and liberal education. The heroine has, in all
situations, an abundant store of money, jewels, and clothes, supplied no
one knows when, how, or by whom; and these, with her musical
instruments, drawing materials, &c. accompany her into every reverse of
situation, in a manner perfectly incomprehensible, but highly amusing
and edifying. A miniature portrait of some mysterious relative or
friend, seldom or ever seen, nay, indeed, a sacred memento of the dead,
is highly scenic and effective in a romance. The heroine ought, by all
means, to possess such; it _may_ do good, and it _can_ do no harm.
Finally, the lady must frequently faint, be twice or thrice on the brink
of the grave, undergo exquisite varieties of suffering, run all hazards,
but retain her beauty and reputation unblemished to the _last_, i.e. to
her _marriage_; after which, this wondrous and superlative creature, and
her partner in perfection, are never heard of more. _Why_?