AN INOPPORTUNE SNEEZE
“Well, well, well! Whom have we with us?” exclaimed the cook at the
dog hospital as he stood in the kitchen door in apron and cap ready to
throw some more food in the dogs’ trough. “Bless my soul, I believe it
is Billy Whiskers!”
Billy hearing his name spoken looked up, only to find himself gazing
into the eyes of the cook who had once served the old General who had
issued the strict orders for Billy not to be allowed to leave camp.
“Billy, you old rascal, come here and let me pull your beard for luck
and old times’ sake! I will bet my whole month’s wages that you have
run away from camp.”
All the time the cook was talking, he was walking toward Billy, wishing
to get near enough to discover if the goat really wore around his neck
a collar from which hung a medal engraved with his name.
“Here, Billy, is a nice big carrot for you. Don’t jerk back. I am
not going to hurt you. I am only going to pat your head. Don’t you
remember the good old times in camp when I used to give you nice juicy
apples and crisp lettuce heads?”
By this time the cook was standing close by Billy, pretending to pat
his head, but every time he put his fingers through his hair, he tried
to feel for the collar and Billy would jerk his head away. He was
afraid the cook was going to try to take off his collar and Billy had
made up his mind many moons before this that if ever any one tried to
take it off he would fight them to the death. Just then a little breeze
blew Billy’s hair up so that it showed the medal with some engraving on
it, and the cook saw it read:
“This collar was presented to Billy Whiskers by the --th New York
Regiment for his bravery in battle.”
“Well, Billy, I certainly am glad to see you! But I bet you have left
many sad hearts behind you. I am homesick to be back with my old
regiment, but I can’t go. Perhaps you haven’t noticed that I have a
wooden leg and that part of my right arm is gone. If it was only my leg
that was gone, I would be back, leg or no leg. But without my arm, I
can’t shoot or carry a bayonet. It breaks my heart to be near enough
to hear the roar of battle as I am here, and know I can’t be in it,
killing off those pigs of Germans!”
Just then from down the road came the sound of a high powered motor
car, and the cook, stepping on a big stone to see the better,
exclaimed, “It is the General, by hookey! And I bet he is coming in
here for a cup of coffee and a bite to eat, as he knows I can get it
for him quicker than if he went on to the village restaurant, and
better, too. He always said no one could make coffee like I can.”
Billy waited to hear no more, but started to find a place to hide, well
knowing the General would carry him back to camp if he saw him, even if
he had to take him in the auto with him.
[Illustration]
The cook had forgotten all about Billy in his excitement at seeing the
General. Billy took advantage of this to whisper to the dogs, telling
them what was up and they all followed him as he ran toward the stable
to try to find a place to hide. Just as Billy was about to turn the
corner of the stable, he saw the General’s big touring car turn in the
lane.
“Gee, fellows, I’m lost if that cook even mentions my being here! For
the General is equal to sending a whole squad of soldiers to find me
and bring me back to camp. It would not be the first time he has done
it, either!”
By this time Billy and the dogs had run into the little grove of trees
spoken of before, but they stayed near enough the edge to be able to
see if any one started to hunt for Billy.
“I tell you what I think would be a good plan,” said the Red Cross
dog. “Have one of the dogs go back and hang around where he could hear
everything the cook says to the General. In that way we will know
whether or not he tells the General that you are here.”
“Excellent idea, that!” agreed Billy.
“Pinky, you would be the best one to go. You are so small that you can
squeeze in anywhere out of sight under a chair or sofa, and listen to
all that is said.”
“Oh, I don’t want to go! I am afraid they will kick me out if they
should catch me listening. Besides, I want to stay here and hear Mr.
Billy Whiskers relate his experiences. It is so dull here after Paris
that I just long for some excitement, and I am sure Mr. Whiskers’ tales
will be all that.”
“You run along, Miss Pinky, and I’ll tell you just what I tell them
some other time all by yourself. Besides, you won’t miss much as our
friend here, the Red Cross dog, can tell you adventures a hundred times
more exciting than I can.”
“Oh, no, he can’t. But I will go if you promise to repeat word for word
to me all you tell them when we are alone some time.”
[Illustration]
“Thank you very much, Miss Pinky.”
“Don’t call me Pinky! That is not my name! It is only a nasty, mean
nickname the dogs have given me because I am afflicted with pink lids
to my eyes, the same as many poodle dogs. I just _hate_ that name! But
I can’t stop them from using it.”
“And pray what is your real name?” asked Billy.
“Rosie de la France. And it is such a pretty one I like to be called by
it.”
“Well, hereafter I will call you Mademoiselle Rosie de la France. But
I cannot see much difference between Rosie and Pinky, as they are both
pretty much the same color.”
“Yes, if you look at it in that way. But it is the meaning hidden under
it that I hate.”
“Never mind now what you are called, but run along or you will be too
late to hear all the cook says to the General,” said the Red Cross dog.
The dogs then all lay down under the trees in a semi-circle around
Billy and the Red Cross dog, so they could hear every word that was
said by either of them, but every one of them kept an eye open for
any one who might round the corner of the stable. Billy and the Red
Cross dog had told them their most exciting experiences in the war,
interposed by stories from the other dogs, when they heard the hum and
buzz of the big motor as it drove out of the lane, and at the same time
they saw Pinky running toward them so fast one could scarcely see her
for dust.
She ran into their midst panting and all out of breath, and between
gasps tried to tell them that she had slipped into the sitting-room and
sneaked under a big davenport with a cover thrown over it that hid her
completely, but where she could hear every word that was spoken in the
room. The General was sitting at a little table only a few feet from
her, eating the good things the cook had brought to him on a tray.
“He seemed in a very good humor,” she said, “and was laughing and
joking with two officers who were with him when I had the misfortune to
sneeze. You would have thought I had thrown a bomb the way those three
men jumped to their feet and reached for their swords!
“‘Who sneezed?’ thundered the General.
“‘There is some one hiding in this room!’ exclaimed one of his staff.
“‘Come out of the closet or from behind those curtains or wherever you
are before I shoot!’ commanded the General.
“Of course no one came out, and I crouched down nearer the floor than
ever and prayed that they would not lift the cover of that davenport
and see me. I could see through the thin ruffle of the davenport cover
and there they all stood stock still, with eyes searching every nook
and corner of the room. Then what do you think happened? I sneezed
again, and expected to be killed on the spot, but I could not help it
as there was a lot of moth balls right under my nose, put there to keep
the moths from eating the carpet. Well, if you will believe it, every
man of them jumped again as if shot. I could see their feet leave the
floor. And one of the staff said in a stage whisper, ‘Spies behind that
curtain!’ Then he marched toward it with sword in hand, and brushed the
curtain aside. Of course there was no one there. Then the other staff
officer flung open the closet door. No one there! Still they had heard
two distinct sneezes. The General stalked to the window and looked
out as it opened on the ground. I expect he thought some one might be
hiding under the window, listening. No one there! Only a flower bed
with bees droning and buzzing over it. And horror of horrors! As he
leaned out of the window and the staff officers were looking behind
chairs and under tables and even up to the ceiling I gave another big
sneeze. I sneezed so hard it nearly blew my head off. I expect it was
because of holding it in so long.
“This of course was my undoing. One of the staff dropped on one knee to
look under the davenport. The General jerked his head back through the
window, and heard the staff officer exclaim in a loud voice, ‘Only a
measley, sneaking little poodle dog!’ and with that he stuck his sword
under the davenport to prod me out. It would have cut my leg off, or
run right through me, I am sure, but just then the cook opened the
door to come in to remove the dishes and I jumped over the sword and
ran between the legs of the staff officer who was standing between the
davenport and the door, and simply flew back here.
[Illustration: Every man of them jumped as if shot.]
“When I got outside I did sneak around under the window, and heard
them all laughing over the fact that a little dog’s sneeze had given
them such a fright. The General said ‘Better be on the right side than
on the wrong, and many a warning as small as a sneeze gone unheeded
has cost many lives. I would rather be too careful than not careful
enough,’ You see they all thought I was a spy hidden in the room
somewhere. Then I heard the cook say, ‘General, has the Regiment still
got the big white goat they used to have as a mascot?’
“‘No, I am sorry to say he has been missing since a week ago to-day,
and we cannot get any trace of him. One of our ambulance drivers saw
him on the road to Paris, and tried to catch him, but he could not. He
nearly had him when a friend fell off a bridge into a creek, and would
have drowned had he not left the goat and gone to his assistance. I
would not have lost that goat for a thousand dollars. He knows more
than most men.’
“‘Well, General, you have lost your thousand dollars. I know where your
goat is at this minute.’
“‘You do? Well, produce him and the money is yours. You know Billy
is like the proverbial flea. Now you have him and now you don’t. If
you will show me that goat now, we’ll have him in my office at camp
headquarters to-morrow. I’ll give you a check for one thousand dollars,
too.’
“‘I’ll do it for you gladly, General, as you have done me many a good
turn, but I cannot accept your money. And now if you will step to the
door, I will show you Billy, the Mascot of the Regiment, quietly eating
out of a trough at the back kitchen door.’
“The General and his staff picked up their caps and swords and followed
the cook around the house to the dogs’ trough, but as you know, no goat
was there.
“The General had to laugh at the blank look on the cook’s face when
he turned the corner of the hospital and saw that the goat and all
his dogs too had disappeared as completely as if swallowed up by an
earthquake.
“‘Well, that beats everything I ever saw! He was here a few minutes
ago. In fact, just when you drove in eight or ten of our dogs with
Billy in their midst were all standing here eating and now not an
animal is in sight anywhere. It beats all! I can’t explain it!’
“‘I can,’ said the General. ‘That goat recognized my car, thought I was
after him and lit out. He has done it before, and I doubt if any of us
will ever see him again. I tell you he is sharper than the devil, whose
cloven hoof he has!’
“‘General, will you kindly do me the favor to wait till I blow my dog
whistle? That is the signal for all the dogs to gather here. We will
see if Billy does not come running with them.’
“The General waited. The cook blew his whistle repeatedly but no dogs
showed up. Then the cook ran to the barn and around it, looking in
every known hiding place the dogs had, but no goat or dog did he see.
And he came back to the General and said, ‘Well, General, I shall have
to give up beaten. He has gone and, what is more, he has taken every
dog with him that is not confined to a hospital bed. I can’t find hide
or hair of any of them, but I am so mad that I am ready to devote
months, if need be, to finding that tricky goat. And when I do I will
return him to you even if I bring only his hide, horns and tail!’
“‘Well, here is luck to you, but I hope you will bring him alive, and
not in pieces for I could make use of a live goat, but I would be hard
pressed to know what to do with a dead one!’
“Then with a hearty laugh all around, the General and his staff got
into their auto and whizzed out of the lane, and I scurried back here
to tell you all this.”