"Of course I cannot be in France and America at the same time," said
Colonel ROOSEVELT to a New York interviewer. The EX-PRESIDENT is a
very capable man and we can only conclude that he has not been really
trying.
***
"The Church of to-morrow is not to be built up of prodigal sons,"
said a speaker at the Congregational Conference. Fatted calves will,
however, continue to be a feature in Episcopal circles.
***
A Berlin coal merchant has been suspended from business for being rude
to customers. It is obvious that the Prussian aristocracy will not
abandon its prerogatives without a struggle.
***
The lack of food control in Ireland daily grows more scandalous. A
Belfast constable has arrested a woman who was chewing four five-pound
notes, and had already swallowed one.
***
An alien who was fined at Feltham police court embraced his solicitor
and kissed him on the cheek. Some curiosity exists as to whether the
act was intended as a reprisal.
***
_The English Hymnal_, says a morning paper, "contains forty English
Traditional Melodies and three Welsh tunes." This attempt to sow
dissension among the Allies can surely be traced to some enemy source.
***
Mr. GEORGE MOORE, the novelist, declares that ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON
"was without merit for tale-telling." But how does Mr. GEORGE MOORE
know?
***
"Is Pheasant Shooting Dangerous?" asks a weekly paper headline. We
understand that many pheasants are of the opinion that it has its
risks.
***
Only a little care is needed in the cooking of the marrow, says Mrs.
MUDIE COOKE. But in eating it great caution should be taken not to
swallow the marrow whole.
***
An applicant at the House of Commons' Appeal Tribunal stated that he
had been wrongly described as a Member of Parliament. It is not known
who first started the scandal.
***
HERR BATOCKI, Germany's first Food Dictator, is now on active service
on the Western Front, where his remarks about the comparative dulness
of the proceedings are a source of constant irritation to the Higher
Command.
***
It is rumoured that the Carnegie Medal for Gallantry is to be awarded
to the New York gentleman who has purchased Mr. EPSTEIN'S "Venus."
***
We understand that an enterprising firm of publishers is now
negotiating for the production of a book written by "The German
Prisoner Who Did Not Escape."
***
Four conscientious objectors at Newhaven have complained that their
food often contains sandy substances. It seems a pity that the
authorities cannot find some better way of getting a little grit
into these poor fellows.
***
General SUKHOMLINOFF has appealed from his sentence of imprisonment
for life. Some people don't know what gratitude is.
***
It is good to find that people exercise care in time of crisis.
Told that enemy aircraft were on their way to London a dear old
lady immediately rushed into her house and bolted the door.
***
Owing to a shortage of red paint, several London 'buses are being
painted brown. Pedestrians who have only been knocked down by
red-painted 'buses will of course now be able to start all over again.
***
We think it was in bad taste for Mr. BOTTOMLEY, just after saying
that he had seen Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL at the Front, to add, "I have
Taken Risks."
***
Six little boa-constrictors have been born in the Zoological
Gardens. A message has been despatched to Sir ARTHUR YAPP, urging
the advisability of his addressing them at an early date.
***
To record the effect of meals on the physical condition of children,
Leyton Council is erecting weighing machines in the feeding centres.
Several altruistic youngsters, we are informed, have gallantly
volunteered to demonstrate the effects of over-eating without regard
to the consequences.
***
An allotment holder in Cambridgeshire has found a sovereign on a
potato root. To its credit, however, it must be said that the potato
was proceeding in the direction of the Local War Savings Association
at the rate of several inches a day.
***
We are pleased to say that the Wimbledon gentleman who last week was
inadvertently given a pound of sugar in mistake for tea is going on as
well as can be expected, though he is still only allowed to see near
relations.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Grouser_. "JUST OUR ROTTEN LUCK TO ARRIVE 'ERE ON
EARLY-CLOSING DAY."]
* * * * *