Concerning the obvious misunderstanding which has entwined
itself about a revered parent’s faculties of passionless
discrimination. The all-water disportment and the two, of
different sexes, who after regarding me conflictingly from
the beginning, ended in a like but inverted manner.
Venerated Sire,--Your gem-adorned letter containing a thousand burnished
words of profuse reproach has entered my diminished soul in the form
of an equal number of rusty barbs. Can it be that the incapable
person whom, as you truly say, you sent, “to observe the philosophical
subtleties of the barbarians, to study their dynastical records and to
associate liberally with the venerable and dignified,” has, in your
own unapproachable felicity of ceremonial expression, “according to
a discreet whisper from many sources, chiefly affected the society of
tea-house maidens, the immature of both sexes, doubtful characters of
all classes, and criminals awaiting trial; has evinced an unswerving
affinity towards light amusement and entertainments of a no-class kind;
and in place of a wise aloofness, befitting a wearer of the third Gold
Button and the Horn Belt-clasp, in situations of critical perplexity,
seems by his own ingenuous showing to have maintained an unparalleled
aptitude for behaving either with the crystalline simplicity of a
Kan-su earth-tiller, or the misplaced buffoonery of a seventh-grade
body-writher taking the least significant part in an ill-equipped Swatow
one-cash Hall of Varied Melodies.” Assuredly, if your striking and
well-chosen metaphors were not more unbalanced than the ungainly
attitude of a one-legged hunchback crossing a raging torrent by means
of a slippery plank on a stormy night, they would cause the very acutest
bitterness to the throat of a dutiful and always high-stepping son.
There is an apt saying, however, “A quarrel between two soldiers in the
market-place becomes a rebellion in the outskirts,” and when this person
remembers that many thousand li of mixed elements flow between him and
his usually correct and dispassionate sire, he is impelled to take a
mild and tolerant attitude towards the momentary injustice brought about
by the weakness of approaching old age, the vile-intentioned mendacity
of outcasts envious of the House of Kong, and, perchance, the irritation
brought on by a too lavish indulgence in your favourite dish of stewed
mouse.
Having thus re-established himself in the clear-sighted affection of an
ever mild and perfect father, and cleansed the ground of all possible
misunderstandings in the future, this person will concede the fact that,
not to stand beneath the faintest shadow of an implied blemish in your
sympathetic eyes, he had no sooner understood the attitude in which he
had been presented than he at once plunged into the virtuous society of
a band of the sombre and benevolent.
These, so far as his intelligence enables him to grasp the position,
may be reasonably accepted as the barbarian equivalent of those very
high-minded persons who in our land devote their whole lives secretly
to killing others whom they consider the chief deities do not really
approve of; for although they are not permitted here, either by written
law or by accepted custom, to perform these meritorious actions, they
are so intimately initiated into the minds and councils of the Upper
Ones that they are able to pronounce very severe judgments of torture--a
much heavier penalty than merely being assassinated--upon all who remain
outside their league. As some of the most objurgatory of these alliances
do not number more than a score of persons, it is inevitable that the
ultimate condition of the whole barbarian people must be hazardous in
the extreme.
Having associated myself with this class sufficiently to escape their
vindictive pronouncements, and freely professed an unswerving adherence
to their rites, I next sought out the priests of other altars, intending
by a seemly avowal to each in turn to safeguard my future existence
effectually. This I soon discovered to be beyond the capacity of an
ordinary lifetime, for whereas we, with four hundred million subjects
find three religions to be sufficient to meet every emergency, these
irresolute island children, although numbering us only as one to ten,
vacillate among three hundred; and even amid this profusion it is
asserted that most of the barbarians are unable to find any temple
exactly conforming to their requirements, and after writing to the paper
to announce the fact, abandon the search in despair.
It was while I was becoming proficient in the inner subtleties of one
of these orders--they who drink water on all occasions and wear a
badge--that a maiden of some authority among them besought my aid for
the purpose of amusing a band which she was desirous of propitiating
into the adoption of this badge. It is possible that in the immature
confidence of former letters this person may already have alluded to
certain maidens with words of courteous esteem, but it is now necessary
to admit finally that in the presence of this same Helena they would
all appear as an uninviting growth of stunted and deformed poppies
surrounding a luxuriant chrysanthemum. At the presumptuous thought of
describing her illimitable excellences my fingers become claw-like in
their confessed inadequacy to hold a sufficiently upright brush; yet
without undue confidence it may be set down that her hands resembled the
two wings of a mandarin drake in their symmetrical and changing motion,
her hair as light and radiant-pointed as the translucent incense cloud
floating before the golden Buddha of Shan-Si, thin white satin stretched
tightly upon polished agate only faintly comparable to her jade cheeks,
while her eyes were more unfathomable than the crystal waters of the
Keng-kiang, and within their depths her pure and magnanimous thoughts
could be dimly seen to glide like the gold and silver carp beneath the
sacred river.
When this insurpassable being approached me with the flattering
petition already alluded to, my gratified emotions clashed together
uncontrollably with the internal feeling of many volcanoes in movement,
and my organs of expression became so entangled at the condescension of
her melodious voice being directly addressed to one so degraded, that
for several minutes I was incapable of further acquiescence than that
conveyed by an adoring silence and an unchanging smile. No formality
appeared worthy to greet her by, no expression of self-contempt
sufficiently offensive to convey to her enlightenment my own sense of
a manifold inferiority, and doubtless I should have remained in a
transfixed attitude until she had at length turned aside, had not your
seasonable reference to a Swatow limb-contorter struck me heavily and
abruptly turned off the source of my agreement. Might not this all-water
entertainment, it occurred to this one, consist in enticing him to drink
a potion made unsuspectedly hot, in projecting him backwards into a vat
of the same liquid, or some similar device for the pleasurable amusement
of those around, which would come within the boundaries of your refined
disapproval? As one by himself there was no indignity that this person
would not cheerfully have submitted to, but the inexorable cords of an
ingrained filial regard suddenly pulled him sideways and into another
direction.
“But, Mr. Kong,” exclaimed the bee-lipped maiden, when I had explained
(as being less involved to her imagination,) that I was under a vow,
“we have been relying upon you. Could you not”--and here she dropped her
eyes and picked them up again with a fluttering motion which our lesser
ones are, to an all-wise end, quite unacquainted with--“could you not
unvow yourself for one night, just to please ME?”
At these words, the illuminated proficiency of her glance, and her
honourable resolution to implicate me in the display by head or feet,
the ever-revered image of a just and obedience-loving father ceased to
have any further tangible influence. Let it be remembered that there
is a deep saying, “A virtuous woman will cause more evil than ten river
pirates.” As for the person who is recording his incompetence, the room
and all those about began to engulf him in an ever-increasing circular
motion, his knees vibrated together with unrestrained pliancy, and
concentrating his voice to indicate by the allegory some faint measure
of his emotion, he replied passionately, “Let the amusement referred to
take the form of sitting in a boiling cauldron exposed to the derision
of all beholders, this one will now enter it wearing yellow silk
trousers.”
It is characteristic of these illogical out-countries that the all-water
diversion did not, as a matter to record, concern itself with that
liquid in any detail, beyond the contents of a glass vessel from which a
venerable person, who occupied a raised chair, continually partook. This
discriminating individual spoke so confidently of the beneficial action
of the fluid, and so unswervingly described my own feelings at the
moment--as of head giddiness, an inexactitude of speech, and no clear
definition of where the next step would be arrived at--as the common
lot of all who did not consume regularly, that when that same Helena
had passed on to speak to another, I left the hall unobserved and drank
successive portions, in each case, as the night was cold, prudently
adding a measure of the native rice spirit. His advice had been
well-directed, for with the fourth portion I suddenly found all
doubtful and oppressive visions withdrawn, and a new and exhilarating
self-confidence raised in their place. In this agreeable temper I
returned to the place of meeting to find a priest of one of the lesser
orders relating a circumstance whereby he had encountered a wild maiden
in the woods, who had steadfastly persisted that she was one of a
band of seven (this being the luckiest protective number among the
superstitious). Though unable to cause their appearance, she had gone
through a most precise examination at his hands without deviating in the
slightest particular, whereupon distrusting the outcome of the strife,
the person who was relating the adventure had withdrawn breathless.
When this versatile lesser priest had finished the narration, and
the applause, which clearly showed that those present approved of the
solitary maiden’s discreet stratagem, had ceased, the one who occupied
the central platform, rising, exclaimed loudly, “Mr. Kong will next
favour us with a contribution, which will consist, I am informed, of a
Chinese tale.”
Now there chanced to be present a certain one who had already become
offensive to me by the systematic dexterity with which he had planted
his inopportune shadow between the sublime-souled Helena and any other
who made a movement to approach her heaven-dowered outline. When this
presumptuous and ill-nurtured outcast, who was, indeed, then seated
by the side of the enchanting maiden last referred to, heard the
announcement he said in a voice feigned to reach her peach-skin ear
alone, yet intentionally so modulated as to penetrate the furthest limit
of the room, “A Chinese tale! Why, assuredly, that must be a pig-tail.”
At this unseemly shaft many of those present allowed themselves to
become immoderately amused, and even the goat-like sage who had
called upon my name concealed his face behind an open hand, but the
amiably-disposed Helena, after looking at the undiscriminating youth
coldly for a moment, deliberately rose and moved to a vacant spot at a
distance. Encouraged by this fragrant act of sympathy I replied with a
polite bow to indicate the position, “On the contrary, the story which
it is now my presumptuous intention to relate will contain no reference
whatever to the carefully-got-up one occupying two empty seats in the
front row,” and without further introduction began the history of Kao
and his three brothers, to which I had added the title, “The Three
Gifts.”
At the conclusion of this classical example of the snares ever lying
around the footsteps of the impious, I perceived that the jocular
stripling, whom I had so delicately reproved, was no longer present.
Doubtless he had been unable to remain in the same room with the
commanding Helena’s high-spirited indignation, and anticipating that in
consequence there would now be no obstacle to her full-faced benignity,
I drew near with an appropriate smile.
It is somewhere officially recorded, “There is only one man who knew
with accurate certainty what a maiden’s next attitude would be, and he
died young of surprise.” As I approached I had the sensation of passing
into so severe an atmosphere of rigid disfavour, that the ingratiating
lines upon my face became frozen in its intensity, despite the ineptness
of their expression. Unable to penetrate the cause of my offence, I
made a variety of agreeable remarks, until finding that nothing tended
towards a becoming reconciliation, I gradually withdrew in despair, and
again turned my face in the direction of that same accommodation which I
had already found beneath the sign of an Encompassed Goat. Here, by the
sarcasm of destiny, I encountered the person who had drawn the slighting
analogy between this one’s pig-tail and his ability as a story-teller.
For a brief space of time the ultimate development of the venture
was doubtfully poised, but recognising in each other’s features the
overhanging cloud of an allied pang, the one before me expressed a
becoming contrition for the jest, together with a proffered cup. Not to
appear out-classed I replied in a suitable vein, involving the supply
of more vessels; whereupon there succeeded many more vessels, called for
both singly and in harmonious unison, and the reappearance of numerous
bright images, accompanied by a universal scintillation of meteor-like
iridescence. In this genial and greatly-enlarged spirit we returned
affably together to the hall, and entered unperceived at the moment when
the one who made the announcements was crying aloud, “According to the
programme the next item should have been a Chinese poem, but as Mr. Kong
Ho appears to have left the building, we shall pass him over--”
“What Ho?” exclaimed the somewhat impetuous one by my side, stepping
forward indignantly and mounting the platform in his affectionate zeal.
“No one shall pass over my old and valued friend--this Ho--while I have
a paw to raise. Step forward, Mandarin, and let them behold the inventor
and sole user of the justly far-famed G. R. Ko-Ho hair restorer--sent in
five guinea bottles to any address on receipt of four penny stamps--as
he appeared in his celebrated impersonation of the human-faced Swan at
Doll and Edgar’s. Come on, oh, Ho!”
“Assuredly,” I replied, striving to follow him, “yet with the wary
greeting, ‘Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,’ engraved upon my mind, for the
barrier of these convoluted stairs--” but at this word a band of maidens
passed out hastily, and in the tumult I reached the dais and began
Weng Chi’s immortal verses, entitled “The Meandering Flight,” which had
occupied me three complete days and nights in the detail of rendering
the allusions into well-balanced similitudes and at the same time
preserving the skilful evasion of all conventional rules which raises
the original to so sublime a height.
The voice of one singing at the dawn;
The seven harmonious colours in the sky;
The meeting by the fountain;
The exchange of gifts, and the sound of the processional drum;
The emotion of satisfaction in each created being;
This is the all-prominent indication of the Spring.
The general disinclination to engage in laborious tasks;
The general readiness to consume voluminous potions on any pretext.
The deserted appearance of the city and the absence of the come-in motion at every door;
The sportiveness of maidens, and even those of maturer age, ethereally clad, upon the shore.
The avowed willingness of merchants to dispose of their wares for half the original sum.
This undoubtedly is the Summer.
The yellow tea leaf circling as it falls;
The futile wheeling of the storm-tossed swan;
The note of the marble lute at evening by the pool;
The immobile cypress seen against the sun.
The unnecessarily difficult examination paper.
All these things are suggestive of the Autumn.
The growing attraction of a well-lined couch.
The obsequious demeanour of message-bearers, charioteers, and the club-armed keepers of peace.
The explosion of innumerable fire-crackers round the convivial shrines,
The gathering together of relations who at all other times shun each other markedly.
The obtrusive recollection of a great many things contrary to a spoken vow, and the inflexible purpose to be more resolute in future.
These in turn invariably attend each Winter.
It certainly had not presented itself to me before that the words
“invariably attend” are ill-chosen, but as I would have uttered them
their inelegance became plain, and this person made eight conscientious
attempts to soften down their harsh modulation by various interchanges.
He was still persevering hopefully when he of chief authority approached
and requested that the one who was thus employed and that same other
would leave the hall tranquilly, as the all-water entertainment was
at an end, and an attending slave was in readiness to extinguish the
lanterns.
“Yet,” I protested unassumingly, “that which has so far been expressed
is only in the semblance of an introductory ode. There follow--”
“You must not argue with the Chair,” exclaimed another interposing his
voice. “Whatever the Chair rules must be accepted.”
“The innuendo is flat-witted,” I replied with imperturbable dignity, but
still retaining my hold upon the rail. “When this person so far loses
his sense of proportion as to contend with an irrational object, devoid
of faculties, let the barb be cast. After that introduction dealing with
the four seasons, the twelve gong-strokes of the day are reviewed in a
like fashion. These in turn give place to the days of the month, then
the moons of the year, and finally the years of the cycle.”
“That’s fair,” exclaimed the perverse though well-meaning youth, whom I
was beginning to recognise as the cause of some misunderstanding among
us. “If you don’t want any more of his poem--and I don’t blame you--my
pal Ho, who is one of the popular Flip-Flap Troupe, offers to do some
trick cycle-riding on his ears. What more can you expect?”
“We expect a policeman very soon,” replied another severely. “He has
already been sent for.”
“In that case,” said the one who had so persistently claimed me as
an ally, “perhaps I can do you a service by directing him here”; and
leaving this person to extricate himself by means of a reassuring
silence and some of the larger silver pieces of the Island, he vanished
hastily.
With some doubt whether or not this deviation into the society of the
professedly virtuous, ending as it admittedly does in an involvement,
may not be deemed ill-starred; yet hopeful.