Concerning the wisdom of the sublime Wei Chung and its
application to the ordinary problems of existence. The
meeting of three, hitherto unknown to each other, about a
wayside inn, and their various manners of conducting the
enterprise.
Venerated Sire,--You will doubtless remember the behaviour of the aged
philosopher Wei Chung, when commanded by the broad-minded emperor of his
time to reveal the hidden sources of his illimitable knowledge, so
that all might freely acquire, and the race thereby become raised to a
position of unparalleled excellence. Taking the well-disposed sovereign
familiarly by the arm, Wei Chung led him to the mouth of his cave in the
forest, and, standing by his side, bade him reflect with open eyes for
a short space of time, and then express aloud what he had seen. “Nothing
of grave import,” declared the emperor when the period was accomplished;
“only the trees shaken by the breeze.” “It is enough,” replied Wei
Chung. “What, to the adroitly-balanced mind, does such a sight
reveal?” “That it is certainly a windy day,” exclaimed the omnipotent
triumphantly, for although admittedly divine, he yet lacked the
philosopher’s discrimination. “On the contrary,” replied the sage
coldly, “that is the natural pronouncement of the rankly superficial. To
the highly-trained intellect it conveys the more subtle truth that the
wind affects the trees, and not the trees affect the wind. For upwards
of seventy years this one has daily stood at the door of his cave for
a brief period, and regularly garnering a single detail of like
brilliance, has made it the well-spring for a day’s reflection. As the
result he now has by heart upwards of twenty-five thousand useful facts,
all serviceable for original proverbs, and an encyclopaedic mind
which would enable him to take a high place in a popular competition
unassisted by a single work of reference.” Much impressed by the
adventure the charitably-inclined emperor presented Wei Chung with an
onyx crown (which the philosopher at once threw into an adjacent well),
and returning to his capital published a decree that each day at
sunrise every person should stand at the door of his dwelling, and after
observing for a period, compare among themselves the details of their
thoughts. By this means he hoped to achieve his imperial purpose, but
although the literal part of the enactment is scrupulously maintained,
especially by the slothful and defamatory, who may be seen standing
at their doors and conversing together even to this day, from some
unforeseen imperfection the intellectual capacity of the race has
remained exactly as it was before.
Nevertheless it is not to be questioned that the system of the versatile
Wei Chung was, in itself, grounded upon a far-seeing accuracy, and
as the need of such a rational observation is deepened among the
inconsistencies and fantastic customs of a barbarian race, I have made
it a useful habit to accept as a guide for the day’s behaviour the
reflections engendered by the first noteworthy incident of the morning.
Upon the day with which this letter concerns itself I had set forth, in
accordance with an ever-present desire, to explore some of the hidden
places of the city. At the time a tempest of great ferocity was raging,
and bending my head before it I had the distinction of coming into
contact with a person of ill-endowed exterior at an angle where two
roads met. This amiable wayfarer exchanged civilities with me after the
politeness characteristic of the labouring classes towards those who
differ from them in speech, dress, or colour: that is to say, he filled
his pipe from my proffered store, and after lighting it threw the match
into my face, and passed on with an appropriate remark.
Doubtless this insignificant occurrence would have faded without
internal comment if the penetrating Wei Chung had never existed, but
now, guided by his sublime precedent, I arranged the incident for the
day’s conduct under three reflective heads.
It was while I was meditating on the second of these that an exclamation
caused me to turn, when I observed a prosperously-outlined person in
the act of picking up a scrip which had the appearance of being lavishly
distended with pieces of gold.
“If I had not seen you pass it, I should have opined that this hyer
wallet belonged to you,” remarked the justice-loving stranger (for
the incident had irresistibly retarded my own footsteps), speaking
the language of this land, but with an accent of penetrating harmony
hitherto unknown to my ears. With these auspicious words he turned over
the object upon his hand doubtfully.
“So entrancing a possibility is, as you gracefully suggest, of
unavoidable denial,” I replied. “Nevertheless, this person will not
hesitate to join his acclamation with yours; for, as the Book of Verses
wisely says, ‘Even the blind, if truly polite, will extol the prospect
from your house-top.’”
“That’s so,” admitted the one by my side. “But I don’t know that there
is any call for a special thanksgiving. As I happen to have more
money of my own than I can reasonably spend I shall drop this in at a
convenient police station. I dare say some poor critter is pining away
for it now.”
Pleasantly impressed by the resolute benevolence of the one who had
a greater store of wealth than he could, by his own unaided efforts,
dispose of, I arranged myself unobtrusively at his side, and maintaining
an exhibition of my most polished and genial conversation, I sought to
penetrate deeply into his esteem.
“Gaze in this direction, Kong,” he said at length, calling me by name
with auspicious familiarity; “I am a benighted stranger in this hyer
city, and so are you, I rek’n. Suppose we liquor up, and then take a few
of the side shows together.”
“The suggestion is one against which I will erect no ill-disposed
barrier,” I at once replied, so inflexibly determined not to lose sight
of a person possessing such engaging attributes as to be cheerfully
prepared even to consume my rice spirit in the inverted position which
his words implied if the display was persisted in. “Nevertheless,”
I added, with a resourceful prudence, “although by no means
undistinguished among the highest literary and competitive circles of
his native Yuen-ping, the one before you is incapable of walking in the
footsteps of a person whose accumulations are greater than he himself
can appreciably diminish.”
“That’s all right, Kong,” exclaimed the one whom my last words fittingly
described, striking the recess of his lower garment with a gesture of
graceful significance. “When I take a fancy to any one it isn’t a matter
of dollars. I usually carry a trifle of five hundred or a thousand
pounds in my pocket-book, and if we can get through that--why, there’s
plenty more waiting at the bank. Say, though, I hope you don’t keep much
about you; it isn’t really safe.”
“The temptation to do so is one which this person has hitherto
successfully evaded,” I replied. “The contents of this reptile-skin
case”--and not to be outshone in mutual confidence I here displayed it
openly--“do not exceed nine or ten pieces of gold and a like number of
printed obligations promising to pay five pieces each.”
“Put it away, Kong,” he said resolutely. “You won’t need that so long as
you’re with me. Well, now, what sort of a saloon have we here?”
As far as the opinion might be superficially expressed it had every
indication of being one of noteworthy antiquity, and to the innately
modest mind its unassuming diffidence might have lent an added charm.
Nevertheless, on most occasions this person would have maintained
an unshaken dexterity in avoiding its open door, but as the choice
admittedly lay in the hands of one who carried five hundred or a
thousand pieces of gold we went in together and passed through to a
compartment of retiring seclusion.
In our own land, O my orthodox-minded father, where the unfailing
resources of innumerable bands of dragons, spirits, vampires, ghouls,
shadows, omens, and thunderstorms are daily enlisted to carry into
effect the pronouncements of an appointed destiny, we have many
historical examples of the inexorably converging legs of coincidence,
but none, I think, more impressively arranged than the one now
descending this person’s brush.
We had scarcely reposed ourselves, and taken from the hands of an
awaiting slave the vessels of thrice-potent liquid which in this Island
is regarded as the indispensable accompaniment to every movement of
existence, when a third person entered the room, and seating himself
at a table some slightly removed distance away, lowered his head and
abandoned himself to a display of most lavish dejection.
“That poor cuss doesn’t appear to be holiday-making,” remarked the
sincerely-compassionate person at my side, after closely observing the
other for a period; and then, moved by the overpowering munificence of
his inward nature, he called aloud, “Say, stranger, you seem to have
got it thickly in the neck. Is it family affliction or the whisky of the
establishment?”
At these affably-intentioned words the stranger raised his eyes quickly,
with an indication of not having up to that time been aware of our
presence.
“Sir,” he exclaimed, approaching to a spot where he could converse
with a more enhanced facility, “when I loosened the restraint of an
overpowering if unmanly grief, I imagined that I was alone, for I
would have shunned even the most flattering sympathy, but your
charitably-modulated voice invites confidence. The one before you is the
most contemptible, left-handed, and disqualified outcast in creation,
and he is now making his way towards the river, while his widow will be
left to take in washing, his infant son to vend evening printed leaves,
and his graceful and hitherto highly secluded daughters to go upon the
stage.”
“Say, stranger,” interposed this person, by no means unwilling to
engrave upon his memory this newly-acquired form of greeting, “the
emotion is doubtless all-pressing, but in my ornate and flower-laden
tongue we have a salutation, ‘Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,’ which seems
to be of far-seeing application.”
“That’s so,” remarked the one by my side. “Separate it with the teeth,
inch by inch.”
“I will be calm, then,” continued the other (who, to avoid the
complication of the intermingling circumstances, may be described as
the more stranger of the two), and he took of his neckcloth. “I am a
merchant in tea, yellow fat, and mixed spices, in a small but hitherto
satisfactory way.” Thus revealing himself, he continued to set forth
how at an earlier hour he had started on a journey to deposit his wealth
(doubtless as a propitiation of outraged deities) upon a certain bank,
and how, upon reaching the specified point, he discovered that what
he carried had eluded his vigilance. “All gone: notes, gold, and
pocket-book--the savings of a lifetime,” concluded the ill-omened one,
and at the recollection a sudden and even more highly-sustained frenzy
of self-unpopularity involving him, without a pause he addressed himself
by seven and twenty insulting expressions, many of which were quite new
to my understanding.
At the earliest mention of the details affecting the loss, the elbow of
the person who had made himself responsible for the financial obligation
of the day propelled itself against my middle part, and unseen by the
other he indicated to me by means of his features that the entertainment
was becoming one of agreeable prepossession.
“Now, touching this hyer wallet,” he said presently. “How might you
describe it?”
“In colour it was red, and within were two compartments, the one
containing three score notes each of ten pounds, the other fifty pounds
of gold. But what’s the use of describing it? Some lucky demon will pick
it up and pocket the lot, and I shall never see a cent of it again.”
“Then you’d better consult one who reburnishes the eyes,” declared the
magnanimous one with a laugh, and drawing forth the article referred to
he cast it towards the merchant in a small way.
At this point of the narrative my thoroughly incompetent brush confesses
the proportions of the requirement to be beyond its most extended
limit, and many very honourable details are necessarily left without
expression.
“I’ve known men of all sorts, good, bad, and bothwise,” exclaimed the
one who had recovered his possessions; “but I never thought to meet
a gent as would hand over six hundred and fifty pounds as if it was a
toothpick. Sir, it overbalances me; it does, indeed.”
“Say no more about it,” urged the first person, and to suggest
gracefully that the incident had reached its furthest extremity, he
began to set out the melody of an unspoken verse.
“I will say no more, then,” he replied; “but you cannot reasonably
prevent my doing something to express my gratitude. If you are not too
proud you will come and partake of food and wine with me beneath the
sign of the Funereal Male Cow, and to show my confidence in you I shall
insist upon you carrying my pocket-book.”
The person whom I had first encountered suffered his face to become
excessively amused. “Say, stranger, do you take me for a pack-mule?”
he replied good-naturedly. “I already have about as much as I want to
handle. Never mind; we’ll come along with you, and Mr. Kong shall carry
your bullion.”
At this delicate and high-minded proposal a rapid change, in no way
complimentary to my explicit habit of adequately conducting any venture
upon which I may be engaged, came over the face of the second person.
“Sir,” he exclaimed, “I have nothing to say against this gentleman, but
I am under no obligation to him, and I don’t see why I should trust him
with everything I possess.”
“Stranger,” exclaimed the other rising to his feet (and from this point
it must be understood that the various details succeeded one another
with a really agile dexterity), “let me tell you that Mr. Kong is my
friend, and that ought to be enough.”
“It is. If you say this gentleman is your friend, and that you have
known him long and intimately enough to be able to answer for him,
that’s good enough for me.”
“Well,” admitted the first person, and I could not conceal from myself
that his tone was inauspiciously reluctant, “I can’t exactly say that
I’ve known him long; in fact I only met him half an hour ago. But I have
the fullest confidence in his integrity.”
“It’s just as I expected. Well, sir, you’re good-natured enough for
anything, but if you’ll excuse me, I must say that you’re a small piece
of an earthenware vessel after all”--the veiled allusion doubtlessly
being that the vessel of necessity being broken, the contents inevitably
escape--“and I hope you’re not being had.”
“I’m not, and I’ll prove it before we go out together,” retorted the
engaging one, who had in the meantime become so actively impetuous on my
account, that he did not remain content with the spoken words, but threw
the various belongings about as he mentioned them in a really profuse
display of inimitable vehemence. “Here, Kong, take this hyer pocket-book
whatever he says. Now on the top of that take everything I’ve got, and
you know what THAT figures up to. Now give this gentleman your little
lot to keep him quiet; I don’t ask for anything. Now, stranger, I’m
ready. You and I will take a stroll round the block and back again, and
if Mr. Kong isn’t waiting here for us when we return with everything
intact and O.K., I’ll double your deposit and never trust a durned soul
again.”
Nodding genially over his shoulder with a harmonious understanding,
expressive of the fact that we were embarking upon an undeniably
diverting episode, the benevolent-souled person who had accumulated more
riches than he was competent to melt away himself, passed out, urging
the doubtful and still protesting one before him.
Thus abandoned to my own reflections, I pondered for a short time
profitably on the third head of the day’s meditation (Touching the match
and this person’s unattractively-lined face. The revealed truth: the
inexperienced sheep cannot pass through the hedge without leaving
portions of his wool), and then finding the philosophy of Wei Chung very
good, I determined to remove the superfluous apprehensions of the vender
of food-stuffs with less delay by setting out and meeting them on their
return.
A few paces distant from the door, one of the ever-present watchers of
the street was standing, watching the street with unremitting vigilance,
while from the well-guarded expression of his face it might nevertheless
be gathered that he stood as though in expectation.
“Prosperity,” I said, with seasonable greeting. (For no excess of
consideration is too great to be lavished upon these, who unite
within themselves the courage of a high warrior, the expertness of a
three-handed magician, and the courtesy of a genial mandarin.) “I
seek two, apparelled thus and thus. Did you, by any chance, mark the
direction of their footsteps?”
“Oh,” he said, regarding this person with a most flattering application,
“YOU seek them, do you? Well, they’ve just gone off in a hansom, and
they’ll want a lot of seeking for the next week or two. You let them
carry your purse, perhaps?”
“Assuredly,” I replied. “As a mark of confidence; this person, for his
part, receiving a like token at their hands.”
“That’s it,” said the official watcher, conveying into his voice a
subtle indication that he had become excessively fatigued. “It’s like
a nursery tale--never too old to take with the kids. Well, come along,
poor lamb, the station isn’t far.”
So great had become the reliance which by this time I habitually reposed
in these men, that I never sought to oppose their pronouncements (such
a course being not only useless but undignified), and we therefore
together reached the place which the one by my side had described as a
station.
From the outside the building was in no way imposing, but upon reaching
an inner dungeon it at once became plain that no matter with what crime
a person might be charged, even the most stubborn resistance would be
unavailing. Before a fiercely-burning fire were arranged metal pincers,
massive skewers, ornamental branding irons, and the usual accessories of
the grill, one tool being already thrust into the heart of the flame
to indicate the nature of its use, and its immediate readiness for the
purpose. Pegs from which the accused could be hung by the thumbs
with weights attached to the feet, covered an entire wall; chains,
shackling-irons, fetters, steel rings for compressing the throat, and
belts for tightening the chest, all had their appointed places, while
the Chair, the Boot, the Heavy Hat, and many other appliances quite
unknown to our system of administering justice were scattered about.
Without pausing to select any of these, the one who led me approached
a raised desk at which was seated a less warlike official, whose
sympathetic appearance inspired confidence. “Kong Ho,” exclaimed to
himself the person who is inscribing these words, “here is an individual
into whose discriminating ear it would be well to pour the exact
happening without evasion. Then even if the accusation against you be
that of resembling another or trafficking with unlawful Forces, he will
doubtless arrange the matter so that the expiation shall be as light and
inexpensive as possible.”
By this time certain other officials had drawn near. “What is it?” I
heard one demand, and another replied, “Brooklyn Ben and Jimmie the
Butterman again. Ah, they aren’t artful, are they!” but at this moment
the two into whose power I had chiefly fallen having conversed together,
I was commanded to advance towards them and reveal my name.
“Kong,” I replied freely; and I had formed a design to explain somewhat
of the many illustrious ancestors of the House, when the one at the
desk, pausing to inscribe my answer in a book, spoke out.
“Kong?” he said. “Is that the christian or surname?”
“Sir-name?” replied this person between two thoughts. “Undoubtedly
the one before you is entitled by public examination to the degree
‘Recognised Talent,’ which may, as a meritorious distinction, be held
equal to your title of a warrior clad in armour. Yet, if it is so held,
that would rightly be this person’s official name of Paik.”
“Oh, it would, would it?” said the one seated upon the high chair.
“That’s quite clear. Are there any other names as well?”
“Assuredly,” I explained, pained inwardly that one of official rank
should so slightly esteem my appearance as to judge that I was so
meagrely endowed. “The milk name of Ho; Tsin upon entering the Classes;
as a Great Name Cheng; another style in Quank; the official title
already expressed, and T’chun, Li, Yuen and Nung as the various
emergencies of life arise.”
“Thank you,” said the high-chair official courteously. “Now, just the
name in full, please, without any velvet trimmings.”
“Kong,” began this person, desirous above all things of putting
the matter competently, yet secretly perturbed as to what might be
considered superfluous and what deemed a perfidious suppression, “Ho
Tsin Cheng Quank--”
“Hold hard,” cried this same one, restraining me with an uplifted pen.
“Did you say ‘Quack’?”
“Quack?” repeated this person, beginning to become involved within
himself, and not grasping the detail in the right position. “In a manner
of setting the expression forth--”
“Put him down, ‘Quack Duck,’ sir,” exclaimed one of dog-like dejection
who stood by. “Most of these Lascars haven’t got any real names--they
just go by what any one happens to call them at the time, like ‘Burmese
Ike’ down at the Mint,” and this person unfortunately chancing to smile
and bow acquiescently at that moment (not with any set intention, but
as a general principle of courteous urbanity), in place of his really
distinguished titles he will henceforth appear among the historical
records of this dynasty under what he cannot disguise from his inner
misgivings to be the low-caste appellation of Quack Duck.
“Now the address, please,” continued the high one, again preparing to
inscribe the word, and being determined that by no mischance should this
particular be offensively reported, I unhesitatingly replied, “Beneath
the Sign of the Lead Tortoise, on the northern course from the Lotus
Pools outside the walls of Yuen-ping.”
This answer the one with the book did not immediately record. “I
don’t say it isn’t all right when you know the parts,” he remarked
broad-mindedly, “but it does sound a trifle irregular. Can’t you give it
a number and a street?”
“I fancy it must be a pub, sir,” observed another. “He said that it had
a sign--the Red Tortoise.”
“Well, haven’t you got a London address?” said the high one, and this
person being able to supply a street and a number as desired, this part
of the undertaking was disposed of, to his cordial satisfaction.
“Now let me see the articles which these men left with you,” commanded
the chieftain of the band, and without any misleading discrepancies I at
once drew forth from an inner sleeve the two scrips, of which adequate
mention has already been made, another hitherto undescribed, two
instruments for measuring the passing hours of the day, together with a
chain of fine gold ingeniously wrought into the semblance of a cable,
an ornament for the breast, set about with a jewel, two neck-cloths of
a kind usually carried in the pocket, a book for recording happenings of
any moment, pieces of money to the value of about eleven taels, a silver
flagon, a sheathed weapon and a few lesser objects of insignificant
value. These various details I laid obsequiously before the one who had
commanded it, while the others stood around either in explicit silence
or speaking softly beneath their breath.
“Do I understand that the two persons left all these things with you,
while they took your purse in exchange?” said the high official, after
examining certain obscure signs upon the metals, the contents of the
third scrip, and the like.
“It cannot reasonably be denied,” I replied; “inasmuch as they departed
without them.”
“Spontaneously?” he demanded, and in spite of the unevadible severity of
his voice the expression of his nearer eye deviated somewhat.
“The spoken and conclusive word of the first was that it was his
intention to commit to this one’s keeping everything which he had; the
assertion of the second being that with this scrip I received all that
he possessed.”
“While of yours, what did they get, Mr. Quack?” and the tone of the one
who spoke had a much more gratifying modulation than before, while the
attitudes of those who stood around had favourably changed, until they
now conveyed a message of deliberate esteem.
“A serpent-skin case of two enclosures,” I replied. “On the one side
was a handcount of the small copper-pieces of this Island, which I had
caused to be burnished and gilt for the purpose of taking back to amuse
those of Yuen-ping. On the other side were two or three pages from a
gravity-removing printed leaf entitled ‘Bits of Tits,’ with which
this person weekly instructs himself in the simpler rudiments of the
language. For the rest the case was controlled by a hidden spring, and
inscribed about with a charm against loss, consumption by fire, or being
secretly acquired by the unworthy.”
“I don’t think you stand in much need of that charm, Mr. Quack,”
remarked another of more than ordinary rank, who was also present. “Then
they really got practically no money from you?”
“By no means,” I admitted. “It was never literally stipulated, and
whatever of wealth he possesses this person carries in a concealed spot
beneath his waistbelt.” (For even to these, virtuous sire, I did not
deem it expedient to reveal the fact that in reality it is hidden within
the sole of my left sandal.)
“I congratulate you,” he said with lavish refinement. “Ben and the
Butterman can be very bland and persuasive. Could you tell me, as a
matter of professional curiosity, what first put you on your guard?”
“In this person’s country,” I replied, “there is an apt saying, ‘The
sagacious bird does not build his nest twice in the empty soup-toureen,’
and by observing closely what has gone before one may accurately
conjecture much that will follow after.” It may be, that out of my
insufferable shortcomings of style and expression, this answer did not
convey to his mind the logical sequence of the warning; yet it would
have been more difficult to show him how everything arose from the
faultlessly-balanced system of the heroic Wei Chung, or the exact
parallel lying between the ill-clad outcast who demanded a portion of
tobacco and the cheerfully unassuming stranger who had in his possession
a larger accumulation of money than he could conveniently disperse.
In such a manner I took leave of the station and those connected with
it, after directing that the share of the spoil which fell by the law
of this Island to my lot should be sold and the money of exchange
faithfully divided among the virtuous and necessitous of both sexes. The
higher officials each waved me pleasantly by the hand, according to the
striking and picturesque custom of the land, while the lesser ones stood
around and spoke flattering words as I departed, as “honourable,” “a
small piece of all-right,” “astute ancient male fowl,” “ah!” and the
like.
With repeated assurances that however ineptly the adventure may at the
time appear to be tending, as regards the essentials of true dignity
and an undeviating grasp upon articles of negotiable value, nothing of a
regrettable incident need be feared.