The Converted Collector.
(_An Order in Council prohibits the importation of all musical
instruments._)
In ancient, peaceful _ante-bellum_ days--
Now far remote as HANNIBAL'S or HANNO'S--
I had a weakness, possibly a craze,
For buying Hun pianos.
I let no patriotic sentiment
My honest inclination curb or fetter;
On foreign articles my cash I spent,
Because I liked them better.
Nor would I now proscribe Germanic Art,
Their one surviving claim to lasting glory,
Or bar BEETHOVEN, WAGNER, BACH, MOZART--
STRAUSS is another story.
But while our enemy unshattered stands
In any single theatre or sector,
I take no interest in German "grands,"
As player or collector.
I will not have them broken up or burned,
Although they cease to give me delectation,
That mean to keep them suitably interned
Throughout the War's duration.
But now the Board of Trade, those lynx-eyed gents,
Our economic needs severely scanning,
The importation of all instruments
Have just resolved on banning.
No matter; I possess a set of pipes
Made in the land whose emblem is the Thistle;
Three Indian tom-toms of peculiar types
And a Bolivian whistle.
I've a Peruvian nose-flute, made of bone,
A war-conch brought me from the South Pacific,
Which, by a leather-lunged performer blown,
Is really quite horrific.
I have some balalaikas, few though fit,
Whose strings I have acquired some skill in tweaking;
And several pifferi, whose tubes emit
A most unearthly squeaking.
I am, alas! too old and weak to fight,
But on these non-Teutonic pipes and tabors
I hope a martial spirit to incite
In "conscientious" neighbours.
And when my time, as soon it must, shall come,
My epitaph perhaps might thus begin well:
"He 'did his bit' upon the Indian drum;
He played the mandolin well.
Others who stayed at home to criticize
More vocal proved; he, on a falling rental,
In furthering the cause of the Allies
Was always instrumental."
* * * * *
In an account of a BURNS' celebration given by the _North Battleford
News_ (Saskatchewan), it is remarked that "the absence of any kind of
spirituous liquors around the festive board and the fact that the ladies
were present" were unique features of the entertainment. But, according
to the same report, there was yet another: "'The Immoral Memory' was
given by Rev. D. Munro."
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