"Who do you think I seen it in Hammersmith's just now, Mawruss?" Abe
Potash shouted as he burst into the show-room one Saturday afternoon
in April.
"I ain't deaf, Abe," Morris replied. "Who did you seen it?"
"J. Edward Kleebaum from Minneapolis," Abe answered.
Morris shrugged.
"What d'ye want _me_ to do, Abe?" he asked.
Abe ignored the question.
"He promised he would come in at two o'clock and look over the line," he
announced triumphantly.
"Plenty crooks looked over our line already, Abe," Morris commented,
"and so far as I'm concerned, they could look over it all they want to,
Abe, so long as they shouldn't buy nothing from us."
"What d'ye mean? Crooks?" Abe cried. "The way Kleebaum talks he would
give us an order for a thousand dollars goods, maybe, Mawruss. He ain't
no crook."
"Ain't he?" Morris replied. "What's the reason he ain't, Abe? The way I
look at it, Abe, when a feller makes it a dirty failure like that feller
made it in Milwaukee, Abe, and then goes to Cleveland, Abe, and opens up
as the bon march, Abe, and does another bust up, Abe, and then he goes
to----"
"S'enough, Mawruss," Abe interrupted. "Them things is from old times
already. To-day is something else again. That feller done a tremendous
business last spring, Mawruss, and this season everybody is falling over
themselves to sell him goods."
"Looky here, Abe," Morris broke in, "you think the feller ain't a crook,
and you're entitled to think all you want to, Abe, but I seen it Sol
Klinger yesterday, and what d'ye think he told me?"
"I don't know what he told you, Mawruss," Abe replied, "but it wouldn't
be the first time, Mawruss, that a feller tells lies about a concern
that he couldn't sell goods to, Mawruss. It's the old story of the dawg
and the grapes."
Morris looked hurt.
"I'm surprised you should call a decent, respectable feller like Sol
Klinger a dawg, Abe," he said. "That feller has always been a good
friend of ours, Abe, and even if he wouldn't be, Abe, that ain't no way
to talk about a concern what does a business like Klinger & Klein."
"Don't make no speeches, Mawruss," Abe retorted. "Go ahead and tell me
what Sol Klinger told it you about J. Edward Kleebaum."
"Why, Sol Klinger says that he hears it on good authority, Abe, that
that lowlife got it two oitermobiles, Abe. What d'ye think for a crook
like that?"
"So far what I hear it, Mawruss, it ain't such a terrible crime that a
feller should got it two oitermobiles. In that case, Mawruss, Andrew
Carnegie would be a murderer yet. I bet yer he got already _fifty_
oitermobiles."
"S'all right, Abe," Morris cried. "Andrew Carnegie ain't looking to buy
off us goods, Abe, and even so, Abe, he never made it a couple of
failures like Kleebaum, Abe."
"Well, Mawruss, is that all you got against him that he owns an
oitermobile? Maybe he plays golluf, too, Mawruss."
"Golluf I don't know nothing about, Abe," Morris replied, "but auction
pinochle he does play it, Abe. Sol Klinger says that out in Minneapolis
Kleebaum hangs out with a bunch of loafers what considers a dollar a
hundred chicken feed already."
Abe rose to his feet.
"Let me tell you something, Mawruss," he said. "I got over them old
fashioned idees that a feller shouldn't spend the money he makes in the
way what he wants to. If Kleebaum wants to buy oitermobiles, that's his
business, not mine, Mawruss, and for my part, Mawruss, if that feller
was to come in here and buy from us a thousand dollars goods, Mawruss, I
am in favor we should sell him."
"You could do what you please, Abe," Morris declared as he put on his
hat. "Only one thing I beg of you, Abe, don't never put it up to me,
Abe, that I was in favor of the feller from the start."
"Sure not, Mawruss," Abe replied, "because you wouldn't never let me
forget it. Where are you going now, Mawruss?"
"I told you yesterday where I was going, Abe," Morris said impatiently.
"Me and Minnie is going out to Johnsonhurst to see her cousin Moe
Fixman."
"Moe Fixman," Abe repeated. "Ain't that the same Fixman what was
partners together with Max Gudekunst?"
Morris nodded.
"Well, you want to keep your hand on your pocketbook, Mawruss," Abe
went on, "because I hear it on good authority that feller ain't above
selling the milk from his baby's bottle."
Morris paused with his hand on the door knob.
"That's the first I hear about it, Abe," he said. "Certainly, when a
feller gets together a little money, y'understand, always there is
somebody what knocks him, Abe. Who told you all this about Fixman, Abe?"
"A feller by the name Sol Klinger, Mawruss," Abe replied, "and if you
don't believe me you could----"
But Morris cut off further comment by banging the door behind him and
Abe turned to his task of preparing the sample line for his prospective
customer's inspection. A half an hour later J. Edward Kleebaum entered
the show-room and extended his hand to Abe.
"Hallo, Potash," he said. "You got to excuse me I'm a little late on
account I had to look at a machine up on Fiftieth Street."
"That's a sample I suppose, ain't it?" Abe said.
"No," Kleebaum replied, "it's one of their stock machines, a Pfingst,
nineteen-nine model."
"Pfingst!" Abe exclaimed, "that's a new one on me. Certainly, I believe
a feller should buy the machines what suits his purpose, but with
Mawruss and me, when we was running our own shop we bought nothing but
standard makes like Keeler and Silcox and them other machines."
At this juncture Kleebaum broke into a hearty laugh.
"This machine is all right for what I would want it," he said. "In fact,
I got it right down in front of the door now. It's a nineteen-nine
Pfingst, six cylinder roadster up to date and runs like a chronometer
already."
"Oh, an oitermobile!" Abe cried. "Excuse me, Mr. Kleebaum. Oitermobiles
ain't in my line, Mr. Kleebaum. I'm satisfied I should know something
about the cloak and suit business, Mr. Kleebaum. Now, here is a garment
which me and Mawruss don't consider one of our leaders at all, Mr.
Kleebaum. But I bet yer that if another concern as us would put out a
garment like that, Mr. Kleebaum, they would make such a holler about it
that you would think nobody else knows how to make garments but them."
"When a feller's got the goods, Potash," Kleebaum replied, as he lit one
of Abe's "gilt-edged" cigars, "he's got a right to holler. Now you take
this here Pfingst car. It is made by the Pfingst Manufacturing Company,
a millionaire concern, and them people advertise it to beat the band.
And why shouldn't they advertise it? Them people got a car there which
it is a wonder, Potash. How they could sell a car like that for
twenty-five hundred dollars I don't know. The body alone must cost them
people a couple of thousand dollars."
"That's always the way, Mr. Kleebaum," Abe broke in hurriedly. "Now,
you take this here garment, Mr. Kleebaum, people would say, 'How is it
possible that Potash & Perlmutter could turn out a garment like this for
eighteen dollars?' And certainly, Mr. Kleebaum, I don't say we lose
money on it, y'understand, only we got----"
"But this here car, Potash, has selective transmission, shaft drive
and----"
"Say, lookyhere, Kleebaum," Abe cried, "am I trying to sell you some
cloaks or are you trying to sell me an oitermobile? Because if you are,
I'm sorry I got to tell you I ain't in the market for an oitermobile
just at present. On the other hand, Mr. Kleebaum, I got a line of
garments here which it is a pleasure for me to show you, even if you
wouldn't buy so much as a button."
"Go ahead, Potash," Kleebaum said, "and we'll talk about the car after
you get through."
For over two hours Abe displayed the firm's sample line and his efforts
were at last rewarded by a generous order from Kleebaum.
"That makes in all twenty-one hundred dollars' worth of goods," Kleebaum
announced, "and if you think you could stand the pressure, Potash, I
could smoke another cigar on you already."
"Excuse me, Mr. Kleebaum!" Abe cried, producing another of his best
cigars.
"Much obliged," Kleebaum mumbled as he lit up. "And now, Abe, after
business comes with me pleasure. What d'ye say to a little spin uptown
in this here Pfingst car which I got it waiting for me downstairs."
Abe waved his hand with the palm out.
"You could go as far as you like, Mr. Kleebaum," he replied, "but when
it comes to oitermobiles, Mr. Kleebaum, you got to excuse me. I ain't
never rode in one of them things yet, and I guess you couldn't learn it
an old dawg he should study new tricks. Ain't it?"
"D'ye mean to tell me you ain't never rode in an oitermobile yet?"
Kleebaum exclaimed.
"You got it right," Abe said, "and what's more I ain't never going to
neither."
"What you trying to give me?" Kleebaum asked. "You mean to say if I
would ask you you should come riding with me now, you would turn me
down?"
"I bet yer I would," Abe declared. "An up-to-date feller like you,
Kleebaum, is different already from an old-timer like me. I got a wife,
Kleebaum, and also I don't carry a whole lot of insurance neither,
y'understand."
"Come off, Potash!" Kleebaum cried. "I rode myself in oitermobiles
already millions of times and I ain't never been hurted yet."
"Some people's got all the luck, Kleebaum," Abe replied. "With me I bet
yer if I would ride in an oitermobile once, y'understand, the least that
would happen to me is I should break my neck."
"How could you break your neck in a brand new car like that Pfingst car
downstairs?" Kleebaum insisted.
"Never mind," Abe answered, "if things is going to turn out that way,
Mr. Kleebaum, you could break your neck in a baby carriage yet."
"Well, don't get mad about it, Potash," Kleebaum said.
"Me, I don't get mad so easy," Abe declared. "Wouldn't you come
downstairs to Hammersmith's and take a cup coffee or something?"
Together they descended to the sidewalk where they were saluted by a
tremendous chugging from the Pfingst roadster.
"Say, my friend," the demonstrating chauffeur cried as he caught sight
of Kleebaum, "what d'ye think I'm running anyway? A taxicab?"
"You shouldn't get fresh, young feller," Kleebaum retorted, "unless you
would want to lose your job."
"Aw, quit your stalling," the chauffeur protested. "Is this the guy you
was telling me about?"
Kleebaum frowned and contorted one side of his face with electrical
rapidity.
"Say, my friend," the chauffeur replied entirely unmoved, "them gestures
don't go down with me. Is this the guy you was telling the boss you
would jolly into buying a car, because----"
Kleebaum turned to Abe and elaborately assumed an expression of amiable
deprecation.
"That's a salesman for you," he exclaimed.
Abe surveyed Kleebaum with a puzzled stare.
"Say, lookyhere, Kleebaum," he said, "if you thought you would get me to
buy an oitermobile by giving me this here order, Kleebaum, I'm satisfied
you should cancel it. Because again I got to tell it you, Kleebaum, I
ain't in the market for oitermobiles just yet awhile."
Kleebaum clapped Abe on the shoulder.
"The feller don't know what he's talking about, Potash," he declared.
"He's thinking of somebody quite different as you. That order stands,
Potash, and now if you will excuse me joining you in that cup coffee,
Potash, I got to say good-by."
He wrung Abe's hand in farewell and jumped into the seat beside the
chauffeur while Abe stood on the sidewalk and watched them disappear
down the street.
"I bet yer that order stands," he mused. "It stands in my store until I
get a couple of good reports on that feller."
"What a house that feller Fixman got it, Abe," Morris Perlmutter
exclaimed on Monday morning. "A regular palace, and mind you, Abe, he
don't pay ten dollars more a month as I do up in a Hundred and
Eighteenth Street. And what a difference there is in the yard, Abe. Me,
I look out on a bunch of fire escapes, while Fixman got a fine garden
with trees and flowers pretty near as good as a cemetery."
"Well, why don't you move to Johnsonhurst, too, Mawruss," Abe Potash
said. "It's an elegant neighborhood, Mawruss. Me and Rosie was over to
Johnsonhurst one day last summer and it took us three hours to get out
there and three hours to get back. Six cigars I busted in my vest
pockets at the bridge yet and Rosie pretty near fainted in the crowd.
Yes, Mawruss, it's an elegant neighborhood, I bet yer."
"That was on Sunday and the summer time, Abe, but Fixman says if he
leaves his house at seven o'clock, he is in his office at a quarter
to eight."
"I believe it, Mawruss," Abe commented ironically. "That feller Fixman
never got downtown in his life before nine o'clock. He shouldn't tell me
nothing like that, Mawruss, because I know Fixman since way before the
Spanish war already, and that feller was always a big bluff,
y'understand. Sol Klinger tells me he's got also an oitermobile."
"Sol Klinger could talk all he wants, Abe," Morris replied. "Fixman told
it me that if he had the money what Klinger sinks in one stock already,
Abe, he could run a dozen oitermobiles. Sure, Fixman's got an
oitermobile. With the money that feller makes, Abe, he's got a right to
got on oitermobile. Klinger should be careful what he tells about
people, Abe. The feller will get himself into serious trouble some day.
He's all the time knocking somebody. Ain't it?"
"Is that so?" Abe said. "I thought Klinger was such a good friend to us,
Mawruss. Also, Mawruss, you say yourself on Saturday that a feller
what's got an oitermobile is a crook yet."
"Me!" Morris cried indignantly. "I never said no such thing, Abe. Always
you got to twist around what I say, Abe. What I told you was----"
"S'all right, Mawruss," Abe said. "I'll take your word for it. What I
want to talk to you about now is this here J. Edward Kleebaum. He gives
us an order for twenty-one hundred dollars, Mawruss."
"Good!" Morris exclaimed.
"Good?" Abe repeated with a rising inflection. "Say, Mawruss, what's the
matter with you to-day, anyway?"
"Nothing's the matter with _me_, Abe. What d'ye mean?"
"I mean that on Saturday you wouldn't sell Kleebaum not a dollar's worth
of goods, Mawruss, and even myself I was only willing we should go a
thousand dollars on the feller, and now to-day when I tell it you he
gives us an order for twenty-one hundred dollars, Mawruss, you say,
'good'."
"Sure, I say, 'good'," Morris replied. "Why not? Just because a sucker
like Sol Klinger knocks a feller, Abe, that ain't saying the feller's N.
G. Furthermore, Abe, suppose a feller does run a couple of oitermobiles,
y'understand, Abe, does that say he's going to bust up right away?
That's an idee what a back number like Klinger got it, Abe, but with me
I think differently. There's worser things as oitermobiles to ride in,
Abe, believe me. Fixman takes out his wife and Minnie and me on
Saturday afternoon, and we had a fine time. We went pretty near to
Boston, I bet yer."
"To Boston!" Abe exclaimed.
"Well, we seen the Boston boats going out, and a fine view of the City
College also, and a gas factory and North Beach, too. Everything went
off beautiful, Abe, and I assure you Minnie and me we come home feeling
fine. I tell you, Abe, a feller has got to ride in one of them things to
appreciate 'em."
"S'all right, Mawruss," Abe cried. "I take your word for it. What I am
worrying about now, Mawruss, is this here Kleebaum."
"Kleebaum is A Number One, Abe," Morris said. "I was talking to Fixman
about him and Fixman says that there ain't a better judge of an
oitermobile between Chicago and the Pacific Coast."
"Say, lookyhere, Mawruss," Abe asked, "are we in the cloak and suit
business or are we in the oitermobile business? Kleebaum buys from us
cloaks, not oitermobiles. And while I ain't got such good judgment when
it comes to oitermobiles, I think I know something about the cloak and
suit business, and I got an idea that feller is out to do us."
"Why, Abe, you don't know the feller at all," Morris protested. "Why
don't you make some investigations about the feller, Abe?"
"Investigations is nix, Mawruss," Abe replied impatiently. "When a
feller is a crook, Mawruss, he could fool everybody, Mawruss. He could
fix things so the merchantile agencies would only find out good things
about him, and he buffaloes credit men so that to hear 'em talk you
would think he was a millionaire already. No, Mawruss, when you are
dealing with a crook, investigations is nix. You got to depend on your
own judgment."
"But, Abe," Morris cried, "you got a wrong idee about that feller.
Fixman tells me Kleebaum does a fine business in Minneapolis. He has an
elegant trade there and he's got a system of oitermobile delivery which
Fixman says is great. He's got three light runabouts fixed up with
removable tonneaus, thirty horse-power, two cylinder engines and----"
At this juncture Abe rose to his feet and hurried indignantly toward the
cutting-room, where Morris joined him five minutes later.
"Say, Abe," he said, "while me and Minnie was out with Fixman on
Saturday I got a fine idee for an oitermobile wrap."
Abe turned and fixed his partner with a terrible glare.
"Tell it to Kleebaum," he roared.
"I did," Morris said genially, "and he thought it would make a big hit
in the trade."
"Why, when did you seen it, Kleebaum?" Abe asked.
"This morning on my way over to Lenox Avenue. I met Sol Klinger and as
him and me was buying papers near the subway station, comes a big
oitermobile by the curb and Kleebaum is sitting with another feller in
the front seat, what they call a chauffeur, and Kleebaum says, 'Get in
and I'll take you down town,' so we get in and I bet yer we come
downtown in fifteen minutes."
"Ain't Klinger scared to ride in one of them things, Mawruss?" Abe
asked.
"Scared, Abe? Why should the feller be scared? Not only he wasn't scared
yet, Abe, but he took up Kleebaum's offer for a ride down to Coney
Island yet. Kleebaum said they'd be back by ten o'clock and so Klinger
asks me to telephone over to Klein that he would be a little late this
morning."
"That's a fine way for a feller to neglect his business, Mawruss," Abe
commented.
Morris nodded without enthusiasm.
"By the way, Abe," he said, "me and Minnie about decided we would rent
the house next door to Fixman's down in Johnsonhurst, so I guess we will
go down there again this afternoon at three o'clock."
"At three o'clock!" Abe cried. "Say, lookyhere, Mawruss, what do you
think this here is anyway? A bank?"
"Must I ask _you_, Abe, if I want to leave early oncet in awhile?"
"Oncet in awhile is all right, Mawruss, but when a feller does it every
day that's something else again."
"When did I done it every day, Abe?" Morris demanded. "Saturday is the
first time I leave here early in a year already, while pretty near every
afternoon, Abe, you got an excuse you should see a customer up in
Broadway and Twenty-ninth Street."
"Shall I tell you something, Mawruss," Abe cried suddenly. "You are
going for an oitermobile ride with J. Edward Kleebaum."
Morris flushed vividly.
"Supposing I am, Abe," he replied. "Ain't Kleebaum a customer from ours?
And how could I turn down a customer, Abe?"
"_Maybe_ he's a customer, Mawruss, but I wouldn't be certain of it
because you could go oitermobile riding with him if you want to,
Mawruss, but me, I am going to do something different. I am going to
look that feller up, Mawruss, and I bet yer when I get through, Mawruss,
we would sooner be selling goods to some of them cut-throats up in Sing
Sing already."
At three o'clock Minnie entered swathed in veils and a huge fur coat.
"Well, Abe," she said, "did you hear the latest? We are going to move to
Johnsonhurst."
"I wish you joy," Abe grunted.
"We got a swell place down there," she went on. "Five bedrooms, a parlor
and a library with a great big kitchen and a garage."
"A what?" Abe cried.
"A place what you put oitermobiles into it," Morris explained.
"Is that so?" Abe said as he jammed his hat on with both hands. "Well,
that don't do no harm, Mawruss, because you could also use it for a
dawg house."
He slammed the door behind him and five minutes later he entered the
business premises of Klinger & Klein. There he found the senior member
of the firm busy over the sample line.
"Hallo, Sol!" he cried. "I just seen it Mr. Brady, credit man for the
Manhattan Mills, and he says he come across you riding in an oitermobile
near Coney Island at nine o'clock this morning already. He says he
always thought you and Klein was pretty steady people, but I says
nowadays you couldn't never tell nothing about nobody. 'Because a feller
is a talmudist already, Mr. Brady,' I says, 'that don't say he ain't
blowing in his money on the horse races yet.'"
Klinger turned pale.
"Ain't that a fine thing," he exclaimed, "that a feller with a
responsible position like Brady should be fooling away his time at Coney
Island in business hours."
Abe laughed and clapped Sol Klinger on the back.
"As a matter of fact, Sol," he said, "I ain't seen Brady in a month,
y'understand, but supposing Brady _should_ come across you in an
oitermobile down at Coney Island at nine o'clock in the morning,
y'understand. I bet yer he would call for a new statement from you and
Klein the very next day, Sol, and make you swear to it on a truck load
of Bibles already. A feller shouldn't take no chances, Sol."
"I was in good company anyhow, Abe," Sol declared. "I was with J. Edward
Kleebaum, but I suppose Mawruss Perlmutter told it you. Ain't it?"
"Sure, he did," Abe said, "and he also told it me last week that you
says J. Edward Kleebaum was a crook because he runs a couple of
oitermobiles out in Minneapolis."
"I made a mistake about Kleebaum, Abe," Klinger interrupted. "I changed
my mind about him."
"That's all right, Sol," Abe said, "but if Kleebaum was a crook last
week, Sol, and a gentleman this week, what I would like to know is, what
he will be next week, because I got for twenty-one hundred dollars an
order from that feller and I got to ship it next week. So if you got any
information about Kleebaum, Sol, you would be doing me a favor if you
would let me know all about it."
"All I know about him is this, Abe," Klinger replied. "We drew on him
two reports and both of 'em gives him fifty to seventy-five thousand
credit good. He's engaged to be married to Miss Julia Pfingst, who is
Joseph Pfingst's a daughter."
"Joseph Pfingst," Abe repeated. "I don't know as I ever hear that name
before."
"It used to be Pfingst & Gusthaler," Klinger went on, "in the rubber
goods business on Wooster Street. First they made it raincoats, and then
they went into rubber boots, and just naturally they got into bicycle
tires, and then comes the oitermobile craze, and Gusthaler dies, and so
Pfingst sells oitermobile tires, and now he's in the oitermobile
business."
"Certainly, he got there gradually," Abe commented.
"Maybe he did, Abe," Klinger said, "but he also got pretty near a
million dollars, and you know as well as I do, Abe, a feller what's a
millionaire already don't got to marry off his daughter to a crook,
y'understand. No, Abe, I changed my mind about that feller. I think
Kleebaum's a pretty decent feller, and ourselves we sold him goods for
twenty-five hundred dollars."
Abe puffed hard on his cigar for a moment.
"Couldn't you get from the old man a guarantee of the account maybe?"
he asked.
"I sent Klein around there this morning, Abe," Klinger answered, "and
Pfingst says if Kleebaum is good enough to marry his daughter, he's good
enough for us to sell goods to, and certainly, Abe, you couldn't blame
the old man neither."
Abe nodded, and a moment later he rose to leave.
"You shouldn't look so worried about it, Abe," Sol Klinger said.
"Everybody is selling that feller this year."
"Well, Mawruss," Abe cried on Tuesday morning, "I got to confess that I
ain't learned nothing new about that feller Kleebaum. Everybody what I
seen it speaks very highly of him, Mawruss, and the way I figure it, he
bought goods for fifty thousand dollars in the last four days. Klinger &
Klein sold him, Sammet Brothers sold him, and even Lapidus & Elenbogen
ain't left out. I couldn't understand it at all."
"Couldn't you?" Morris retorted. "Well, I could, Abe. That feller is
increasing his business, Abe, because he's got good backing,
y'understand. He's engaged to be married to Julie Pfingst and her father
Joseph Pfingst is a millionaire."
"Sure, I know, Mawruss, I seen lots of them millionaires in my time
already. Millionaires which everyone thinks is millionaires until the
first meeting of creditors, and then, Mawruss, they make a composition
for twenty cents cash and thirty cents notes at three, six and nine
months. Multi-millionaires sometimes pay twenty-five cents cash, but
otherwise the notes is the same like millionaires, three, six and nine
months, and you could wrap up dill pickles in 'em for all the good
they'll do you."
"What are you talking nonsense, Abe? This feller, Pfingst, is a
millionaire. He's got a big oitermobile business and sells ten cars a
week at twenty-five hundred dollars apiece. Here it is only Tuesday,
Abe, and that feller sold two oitermobiles already."
"Did you count 'em, Mawruss?" Abe asked.
"Sure, I counted 'em," Morris replied. He looked boldly into Abe's
eyes as he spoke. "One of 'em he sold to Sol Klinger and the other
he sold to me."
If Morris anticipated making a sensation he was not disappointed. For
ten minutes Abe struggled to sort out a few enunciable oaths from the
mass of profanity that surged through his brain and at length he
succeeded.
"I always thought you was crazy, Mawruss," he said after the first
paroxysm had exhausted itself, "and now I know it."
"Why am I crazy?" Morris asked. "When a feller lives out in Johnsonhurst
you must practically got to have an oitermobile, otherwise you are a
dead one. And anyhow, Abe, couldn't I spend my money the way I want to?"
"Sure, you could," Abe said. "But you didn't spend it the way _you_
wanted to, Mawruss. Kleebaum got you to buy the oitermobile. Ain't it?"
"Suppose he did, Abe? Kleebaum is a customer of ours. Ain't it? And he
got me also a special price on the car. Twenty-one hundred dollars he
will get me the car for, Abe, and Fixman looked over the car and he says
it's a great piece of work, Abe. He ain't got the slightest idee what I
am paying for the car and he says it is well worth twenty-five hundred
dollars."
Abe shrugged his shoulders.
"All right, Mawruss," he said. "It's your funeral. Go ahead and buy the
oitermobile; only I tell you right now, Mawruss, you are sinking
twenty-one hundred dollars cash."
"Not cash, Abe," Morris corrected. "Pfingst is willing to take a six
months' note provided it is indorsed by Potash & Perlmutter."
It seemed hardly possible to Morris that more poignant emotion could be
displayed than in Abe's first reception of his news, but this last
suggestion almost finished Abe. For fifteen minutes he fought off
apoplexy and then the storm burst.
"Say, lookyhere, Abe," Morris protested at the first lull, "you'll make
yourself sick."
But Abe paused only to regain his breath, and it was at least five
minutes more before his vocabulary became exhausted. Then he sat down
in a chair and mopped his brow, while Morris hastened off to the
cutting-room from whence he was recalled a minute later by a shout
from Abe.
"By jimminy, Mawruss!" he cried slapping his knee. "I got an idee. Go
ahead and buy your oitermobile from Pfingst and I will agree that Potash
& Perlmutter should endorse the note, y'understand, only one thing
besides. Pfingst has got to guarantee to us Kleebaum's account of
twenty-one hundred dollars."
"I'm afraid he wouldn't do it, Abe," Morris said.
"All right, then I wouldn't do it neither," Abe declared. "But anyhow,
Mawruss, it wouldn't do no harm to ask him. Ain't it? Where is this here
feller Pfingst?"
"At Fiftieth Street and Broadway," Morris said.
"Well, lookyhere, Mawruss," Abe announced jumping to his feet, "I'm
going right away and fill out one of them guarantees what Henry D.
Feldman fixes up for us, and also I will write out a note at six months
for twenty-one hundred dollars and indorse it with the firm's name. Then
if he wants to you could exchange the note for the guarantee, Mawruss,
and we could ship the goods right away."
Morris shook his head doubtfully, while Abe went into the firm's private
office. He returned five minutes afterward flourishing the guarantee.
It read as follows:
In consideration of one dollar and other good and valuable
considerations I do hereby agree to pay to Potash & Perlmutter
Twenty-one hundred dollars ($2100) being the amount of a purchase
made by J. Edward Kleebaum from them, if he fails to pay said
twenty-one hundred dollars ($2100) on May 21st, 1909. I hereby
waive notice of Kleebaum's default and Potash & Perlmutter shall
not be required to exhaust their remedy against the said Kleebaum
before recourse is had to me. If a petition in bankruptcy be
filed by or against said Kleebaum in consideration aforesaid I
promise to pay to Potash & Perlmutter on demand the said sum of
twenty-one hundred dollars.
"If he signs that, Mawruss," Abe said, "you are safe in giving him the
note."
Morris put on his hat and lit a cigar.
"I will do this thing to satisfy you, Abe," he said, "but I tell you
right now, Abe, it ain't necessary, because Kleebaum is as good as
gold, y'understand, and if you don't want to ship him the goods you
don't have to."
Abe grinned ironically.
"How could you talk like that, Mawruss, when the feller is doing you a
favor by selling you that oitermobile for twenty-one hundred dollars!"
he said. "And besides, Mawruss, if we ship him the goods and he does
bust up on us, Pfingst is got to pay the twenty-one hundred dollars, and
he couldn't make no claims for shortages or extra discounts neither."
"The idee is all right, Abe," Morris replied as he opened the show-room
door, "if the feller would sign it, which I don't think he would."
With this ultimatum he hastened uptown to Pfingst's warerooms, where he
assured the automobile dealer that unless the guarantee was signed,
there would be no sale of the car, for he flatly declined to pay cash
and Pfingst refused to accept the purchaser's note without Potash &
Perlmutter's indorsement. After a lengthy discussion Pfingst receded
from his position and signed the guarantee, whereupon Morris surrendered
the note and returned to his place of business.
On April 21st Potash & Perlmutter shipped Kleebaum's order, and one week
later Morris moved out to Johnsonhurst. Five days after his migration to
that garden spot of Greater New York he entered the firm's show-room at
a quarter past ten.
"We got blocked at Flatbush Avenue this morning," he said to Abe,
"and----"
But Abe was paying no attention to his partner's excuses. Instead he
thrust a morning paper at Morris and with a trembling forefinger
indicated the following scarehead:
RICH GIRL WEDS
OWN CHAUFFEUR
PFINGST FAMILY SHOCKED BY
JULIA'S ELOPEMENT
PAIR REPORTED IN SOUTH
HEIRESS WAS ABOUT TO
WED WEALTHY MERCHANT
BEFORE FLIGHT OCCURRED
"What d'ye think of that, Mawruss," Abe cried.
Morris read the story carefully before replying.
"That's a hard blow to Kleebaum and old man Pfingst, Abe," he said.
"I bet yer," Abe replied, "but it ain't near the hard blow it's going to
be to a couple of concerns what you and me know, Mawruss. Klinger told
me only yesterday that Kleebaum would get twenty thousand with that
girl, Mawruss, and I guess he needed it, Mawruss. Moe Rabiner says that
they got weather like January already out in Minnesota, and every retail
dry-goods concern is kicking that they ain't seen a dollar's worth of
business this spring."
"But Kleebaum's got a tremendous following in Minneapolis, Abe," Morris
said. "He's got an oitermobile delivery system."
"Don't pull that on me again, Mawruss," Abe broke in. "Women ain't
buying summer garments in cold weather just for the pleasure of seeing
the goods delivered in an oitermobile, which reminds me, Mawruss: Did
Pfingst deliver you his oitermobile yet?"
Morris blushed.
"It was delivered yesterday, Abe," he replied. "But the fact is, Abe, I
kinder changed my mind about that oitermobile. With oitermobiles I am a
new beginner already, so I figure it out this way. Why should I go to
work and try experiments with a high price car like that Pfingst car?
Ain't it? Now, you take a feller like Fixman who is already an expert,
y'understand, and that's something else again. Fixman tried out the car
last night, Abe, and he thinks it's an elegant car. So I made an
arrangement with him that he should pay me fifteen hundred dollars cash
and I would swap the Pfingst car for a 1907 model, Appalachian runabout.
That's a fine oitermobile, Abe, that Appalachian runabout. In the first
place, it's got a detachable tonneau and holds just as many people as
the Pfingst car already, only it ain't so complicated. Instead of a six
cylinder engine, Abe, it's only got a two cylinder engine."
"Two is enough for a start, Mawruss," Abe commented.
"Sure," Morris agreed, "and then again instead of a double chain drive
its only got a single chain drive, y'understand."
Abe nodded. To him planetary and selective transmission were even as
conic sections.
"Also it's got dry battery ignition, Abe," Morris concluded
triumphantly, "instead of one of them--now--magneto arrangements,
which I ain't got no confidence in at all."
Abe nodded again.
"I never had no confidence in dagoes neither," he said. "Fellers which
couldn't speak the English language properly, y'understand, is bound to
do you sooner or later."
"So Fixman and me goes around last night to see a feller what lives out
in Johnsonhurst by the name Eleazer Levy which Fixman got it for a
lawyer, and we drew a bill of sale then and there, Abe, and Fixman give
me a check for fifteen hundred dollars on the Kosciusko Bank."
"Was it certified?" Abe asked.
"Well, it _wasn't_," Morris replied, "but I stopped off at the Kosciusko
Bank this morning and----"
"You done right, Mawruss," Abe interrupted. "The first thing you know
Fixman would claim that the oitermobile ain't the same shade of red like
the sample, Mawruss, and stops the check."
"Fixman ain't that kind, Abe," Morris retorted. "The only reason I
certified the check was that I happened to be in the neighborhood of the
bank, because when you are at the Bridge, Abe, all you got to do is to
take a Third Avenue car up Park Row to the Bowery and transfer to Grand
Street. Then you ride over ten blocks and get out at Clinton Street,
y'understand, and walk four blocks over. So long as it's so convenient,
Abe, I just stopped in and got it certified."
"A little journey like that I would think convenient, too, if I would
got to travel to Johnsonhurst every day, Mawruss," Abe commented, "and
anyhow, Mawruss, in a swap one of the fellers is always got an idee
he's stuck."
"Well, it ain't me, Abe," Morris protested, "and just to show you, Abe,
me and Minnie wants you and Rosie you should come out and take dinner
with us on Sunday, and afterwards we could go out for a ride in the
runabout."
"_Gott soll hueten_," Abe replied piously.
"What d'ye mean!" Morris cried. "You wouldn't come out and have dinner
with us?"
"Sure, we will come to dinner, Mawruss," Abe said, "but if we want to go
for a ride, Mawruss, a trolley car is good enough for Rosie and me."
Nevertheless the following Sunday found Abe and Rosie snugly enclosed in
the detachable tonneau of the Appalachian runabout, while Morris sat at
the tiller with Minnie by his side and negotiated the easy grades of
rural Long Island at the decent speed of ten miles an hour.
"Ain't it wonderful," Abe exclaimed, "what changes comes about in a
couple of years already! Former times when a lodge brother died, I used
to think the ride out to Cypress Hills was a pleasure already, Mawruss,
but when I think how rotten the roads was and what poor accommodations
them carriages was compared to this, Mawruss, I'm surprised that I could
have enjoyed myself at all. This here oitermobile riding is something
what you would call really comfortable, Mawruss."
But Abe's observations were ill-timed, for hardly had he finished
speaking when the runabout slowed down to the accompaniment of loud
explosions in the muffler. Rosie's shrieks mingled with Abe's
exclamations, and when at length the car came to a stand-still
and the explosions ceased Abe scrambled down and helped out the
half-fainting Rosie.
"Any car is liable to do that," Morris explained as Minnie searched for
a bottle of liquid restorative. "I could fix it in five minutes."
At length Minnie found the bottle in the tire box, which contained,
instead of a tire, two dozen sandwiches, eight cold frankfurters, some
dill pickles and a _ringkuchen_, for they did not contemplate returning
to Johnsonhurst until long past supper time.
Morris' estimate of the repair job's duration proved slightly
inaccurate. He messed around with his tool bag and explored the
carburetter again and again until two hours had elapsed without result.
During this period only a few motor cars had passed, for the road was
not a popular automobile thoroughfare. At length a large red car bore
down on them, and as it came within a hundred yards it slowed down and
came to a stop beside the Appalachian runabout.
"Well, well," cried a familiar voice, "if this ain't the whole firm of
Potash & Perlmutter."
Abe looked up.
"Hallo, Kleebaum," he exclaimed, "I thought you was home in
Minneapolis. What are you doing in New York?"
"This ain't New York by about forty miles," Kleebaum replied. He was
seated at the side of a square-jawed professional chauffeur who eyed
with ill-concealed mirth Morris' very unprofessional handling of
automobile tools.
"Lemme look at it," the chauffeur said, as he climbed from his seat. He
gave a hasty glance at the dry battery ignition and laughed
uproariously.
"You'se guys will stay here till Christmas if you expect to get that car
into running condition," he said. "The only thing for you'se to do is to
let me give you a tow into Jamaica. They'll fix you up at the garage
there."
"I'm much obliged to you," Morris replied.
"Don't mention it," the chauffeur went on. "I won't charge you
unreasonable. Ten dollars is my figure."
"What!" Abe and Morris cried with one voice.
"Why, you wouldn't charge these gentlemen nothing," Kleebaum said with a
violent wink. "They're friends of mine."
"I know they was friends of yours," the chauffeur replied, "and that's
why I made it ten dollars. Anyone else I'd say twenty."
For almost half an hour Abe and Morris haggled with the chauffeur. They
were vigorously supported by Kleebaum, who punctuated his scathing
condemnation of the chauffeur's greed with a series of surreptitious
winks which encouraged the latter to remain firm in his demand. Finally
Morris peeled off two five-dollar bills and an hour later the
Appalachian runabout was ignominiously hauled into a Jamaica garage.
The chauffeur alighted from his car and drew the proprietor of the
garage aside into his private office.
"Billy," he said in a hoarse whisper, "this here baby carriage is got
the oldest brand of dry battery ignition and one of the wires has come
loose from the binding screw. It'll take about a minute and a half
to fix."
The proprietor nodded and passed over a dollar bill. Then he sprang out
onto the floor of the garage.
"Ryan," he bellowed to his foreman, "get the big jack, and tell Schwartz
to start up the motor lathe."
Then he turned to Abe and Mawruss.
"This here'll be a two hours' job, gents," he said, "and I advise you to
get your supper at the hotel acrosst the street."
"But how much is it going to cost us?" Morris asked.
For five minutes the proprietor figured on the back of an envelope.
"Fifteen dollars and twenty-two cents," he said, and Abe and Morris
staggered to the street, followed by their wives.
Twenty minutes later Kleebaum and the chauffeur drew up in front of a
road house.
"Your blow," the chauffeur cried.
Kleebaum nodded.
"Come across with that five first," he said, and after the transfer had
been made they disappeared into the sabbatical entrance.
"Well, Mawruss," Abe exclaimed when Morris entered the show-room at
ten o'clock the next morning. "What did I told you last week! Wasn't
I right?"
"I know you told me that one party to a swap was practically bound to
get stuck, Abe," Morris admitted, "but with an oitermobile----"
"Again oitermobile!" Abe cried. "You got oitermobile on the brain,
Mawruss. Whenever I open my mouth, Mawruss, you got an idee I'm going to
talk about oitermobiles. This is something else again. Didn't you get a
morning paper, Mawruss?"
Morris shrugged.
"When a feller lives out in a place called Johnsonhurst, Abe," he
replied sadly, "he is lucky if he could get a cup of coffee before he
leaves the house. Our range is busted."
"Something else is busted, too, Mawruss," Abe said as he handed the
morning paper to Morris. The page which contained the "Business
Troubles" column was folded at the following news item:
J. EDWARD KLEEBAUM, Minneapolis, Minn. The Wonder Cloak
and Suit Store, J. Edward Kleebaum, Proprietor, was closed up by
the sheriff under an execution in favor of Joseph Pfingst, who
recovered a judgment yesterday in the Supreme Court for $5800,
money loaned. Kleebaum is supposed to be in New York trying to
make some arrangements with his creditors. Later in the day a
petition in bankruptcy was filed against him by Kugler, Jacobi
and Henck representing the following New York creditors:--Klinger
& Klein, $2500; Sammet Brothers, $1800; Lapidus & Elenbogen,
$750.
Morris handed the paper back to his partner.
"Well, Abe," he said, "what are we going to do about it?"
"We already done it, Mawruss," Abe replied. "I sent down Pfingst's
guarantee to Henry D. Feldman at nine o'clock already, and I told him he
shouldn't wait, but if Pfingst wouldn't pay up to-day yet to sue him in
the courts."
Morris shrugged his shoulders.
"We shouldn't be in such a hurry, Abe," he said. "Pfingst treated us
right, and why shouldn't we give him a chance to make good?"
"Because he don't deserve it, Mawruss," Abe rejoined as he started off
for the show-room. "If he would of took better care of his daughter she
wouldn't of run off with this here chauffeur, and Kleebaum wouldn't got
to fail. Also, Mawruss, you shouldn't talk that way neither, because if
it wouldn't be for Pfingst you wouldn't got stuck with that oitermobile
which we rode in it yesterday."
"Well, I ain't out much on it, Abe."
"What d'ye mean you ain't out much on it?" Abe exclaimed. "It stands you
in six hundred dollars, ain't it?"
"Sure, I know," Morris replied, "but this morning I come downtown with
the feller what rents us the house out in Johnsonhurst and you never
seen a feller so crazy about oitermobiles in all your life, Abe."
"Except you, Mawruss," Abe broke in.
"Me, I ain't so crazy about 'em no longer," Morris declared. "So I fixed
it up with this feller that he should take the Appalachian runabout off
my hands for four hundred dollars and he should also give me a
cancelation of the lease which we got of his house. Furthermore, Abe,
he pays our moving expenses back to a Hundred and Eighteenth Street."
Abe sat down in the nearest chair.
"So you're going to move back to a Hundred and Eighteenth Street,
Mawruss," he exclaimed. "Why, what's the matter with Johnsonhurst,
Mawruss? I thought you told it me Johnsonhurst was such a fine place."
"So it is, Abe," Morris admitted. "The air is great out there, Abe, but
at the same time, Abe, the air ain't so rotten on a Hundred and
Eighteenth Street neither, y'understand, and the train service is a
whole lot better."
"You're right, Mawruss," Abe said, "and with all these oitermobile rides
and things you waste too much time already. A feller should always
consider business ahead of pleasure."
Morris looked at his bruised and oil stained hands.
"Oitermobile riding!" he cried. "That's a pleasure, Abe. Believe me I'd
as lief work in a rolling mill."