_Maid-of-all-work._ "No, sir; please, sir, I clean all the boots, sir!"
[Illustration: BEFORE THE RECEPTION.--_Lady of the House (instructing
new page)._ "Have you ever been at a party before, Riggles?"
_Riggles._ "Honly as a _guest_, mum."]
[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC.--_Young Wife (rather nervously)._ "Oh,
cook, I must really speak to you. Your master is always complaining.
One day it is the soup, the second day it is the fish, the third day it
is the joint--in fact, it is always something or other."
_Cook (with feeling)._ "Well, mum, I'm truly sorry for you. It must be
quite _hawful_ to live with a gentleman of that sort."]
[Illustration: _Mary (the new housemaid who visits the study for the
first time, and is unaware that poor Snooks is suffering from a violent
headache and has been ordered to keep a damp cloth round his head and
wear goggles)._ "Lawk-a-mussy!"
_Mrs. Snooks (appearing at door)._ "What's the matter, Mary? _It's only
master!_"]
* * * * *
EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO WAITS.--_Country Rector's Wife
(engaging manservant)._ And can you wait at dinner?
_Man._ Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've
done.
* * * * *
UNCONSCIOUSLY APPROPRIATE.--_Jane._ 'Allo, Hemma, what are yer a-crying
about?
_Hemma._ Missus 'as given me the sack because I knocked over some of
them hornaments she calls "break-a-break."
* * * * *
_Gentleman (to Thomas, who has given notice)._ "Oh, certainly! You can
go, of course; but, as you have been with me for nine years, I should
like to know the reason?"
_Thomas._ "Why, sir, it's my _feelins_. You used always to read
prayers, sir, yourself--and since Miss Wilkins has bin here, she bin
a-reading of 'em. Now I can't _bemean_ myself by sayin 'Amen' to a
guv'ness."
* * * * *
THE FORCE OF HABIT.--Our coachman, when he waits at table, always
commits the same fault: he whips away the plates too soon.
[Illustration: A GOOD START.--_New Maid Servant (just arrived)._ "May I
harsk if my young man 'as called yet?"]
[Illustration: FEMININE AMENITIES
_Mabel (not in her first youth)._ "First of all he held my hand and
told my fortune; and then, Evie, he gazed into my face ever so long,
and said he could read my thoughts! Wasn't that _clever_ of him, dear?"
_Evie._ "Oh, I suppose he read between the lines, darling."]
* * * * *
NEW VERSION.--It was the reflection of a thoughtful hall-porter that
the self-denying man must be the man who says he is not at home when he
is.
* * * * *
A DISCHARGE WITHOUT A REPORT.--A servant dismissed without a character.
* * * * *
DIAGNOSIS.--"Is the rector better to-day, Jarvis?"--"No, sir; not any
better, sir!"
"Has he got a _locum tenens_?"--"No, sir. Same old pain in the back!"
[Illustration: _Hostess._ "And do you really believe in christian
science?"
_Visitor._ "Well, you see, I've been getting rather stouter lately, and
it's such a comfort to know that I _really_ have _no body_!"]