London, in the first days of spring, has buds that open and flowers
that suddenly shake their petals—white, purple, or crimson—in
competition with the display in the garden beds, although these city
flowers are merely so many doors flung wide in Bond Street and the
neighborhood, inviting you to look at a picture, or hear a symphony, or
merely crowd and crush yourself among all sorts of vocal, excitable,
brightly colored human beings. But, all the same, it is no mean rival
to the quieter process of vegetable florescence. Whether or not there
is a generous motive at the root, a desire to share and impart, or
whether the animation is purely that of insensate fervor and friction,
the effect, while it lasts, certainly encourages those who are young,
and those who are ignorant, to think the world one great bazaar, with
banners fluttering and divans heaped with spoils from every quarter of
the globe for their delight.
As Cassandra Otway went about London provided with shillings that
opened turnstiles, or more often with large white cards that
disregarded turnstiles, the city seemed to her the most lavish and
hospitable of hosts. After visiting the National Gallery, or Hertford
House, or hearing Brahms or Beethoven at the Bechstein Hall, she would
come back to find a new person awaiting her, in whose soul were
imbedded some grains of the invaluable substance which she still called
reality, and still believed that she could find. The Hilberys, as the
saying is, “knew every one,” and that arrogant claim was certainly
upheld by the number of houses which, within a certain area, lit their
lamps at night, opened their doors after 3 p. m., and admitted the
Hilberys to their dining-rooms, say, once a month. An indefinable
freedom and authority of manner, shared by most of the people who lived
in these houses, seemed to indicate that whether it was a question of
art, music, or government, they were well within the gates, and could
smile indulgently at the vast mass of humanity which is forced to wait
and struggle, and pay for entrance with common coin at the door. The
gates opened instantly to admit Cassandra. She was naturally critical
of what went on inside, and inclined to quote what Henry would have
said; but she often succeeded in contradicting Henry, in his absence,
and invariably paid her partner at dinner, or the kind old lady who
remembered her grandmother, the compliment of believing that there was
meaning in what they said. For the sake of the light in her eager eyes,
much crudity of expression and some untidiness of person were forgiven
her. It was generally felt that, given a year or two of experience,
introduced to good dressmakers, and preserved from bad influences, she
would be an acquisition. Those elderly ladies, who sit on the edge of
ballrooms sampling the stuff of humanity between finger and thumb and
breathing so evenly that the necklaces, which rise and fall upon their
breasts, seem to represent some elemental force, such as the waves upon
the ocean of humanity, concluded, a little smilingly, that she would
do. They meant that she would in all probability marry some young man
whose mother they respected.
William Rodney was fertile in suggestions. He knew of little galleries,
and select concerts, and private performances, and somehow made time to
meet Katharine and Cassandra, and to give them tea or dinner or supper
in his rooms afterwards. Each one of her fourteen days thus promised to
bear some bright illumination in its sober text. But Sunday approached.
The day is usually dedicated to Nature. The weather was almost kindly
enough for an expedition. But Cassandra rejected Hampton Court,
Greenwich, Richmond, and Kew in favor of the Zoological Gardens. She
had once trifled with the psychology of animals, and still knew
something about inherited characteristics. On Sunday afternoon,
therefore, Katharine, Cassandra, and William Rodney drove off to the
Zoo. As their cab approached the entrance, Katharine bent forward and
waved her hand to a young man who was walking rapidly in the same
direction.
“There’s Ralph Denham!” she exclaimed. “I told him to meet us here,”
she added. She had even come provided with a ticket for him. William’s
objection that he would not be admitted was, therefore, silenced
directly. But the way in which the two men greeted each other was
significant of what was going to happen. As soon as they had admired
the little birds in the large cage William and Cassandra lagged behind,
and Ralph and Katharine pressed on rather in advance. It was an
arrangement in which William took his part, and one that suited his
convenience, but he was annoyed all the same. He thought that Katharine
should have told him that she had invited Denham to meet them.
“One of Katharine’s friends,” he said rather sharply. It was clear that
he was irritated, and Cassandra felt for his annoyance. They were
standing by the pen of some Oriental hog, and she was prodding the
brute gently with the point of her umbrella, when a thousand little
observations seemed, in some way, to collect in one center. The center
was one of intense and curious emotion. Were they happy? She dismissed
the question as she asked it, scorning herself for applying such simple
measures to the rare and splendid emotions of so unique a couple.
Nevertheless, her manner became immediately different, as if, for the
first time, she felt consciously womanly, and as if William might
conceivably wish later on to confide in her. She forgot all about the
psychology of animals, and the recurrence of blue eyes and brown, and
became instantly engrossed in her feelings as a woman who could
administer consolation, and she hoped that Katharine would keep ahead
with Mr. Denham, as a child who plays at being grown-up hopes that her
mother won’t come in just yet, and spoil the game. Or was it not rather
that she had ceased to play at being grown-up, and was conscious,
suddenly, that she was alarmingly mature and in earnest?
There was still unbroken silence between Katharine and Ralph Denham,
but the occupants of the different cages served instead of speech.
“What have you been doing since we met?” Ralph asked at length.
“Doing?” she pondered. “Walking in and out of other people’s houses. I
wonder if these animals are happy?” she speculated, stopping before a
gray bear, who was philosophically playing with a tassel which once,
perhaps, formed part of a lady’s parasol.
“I’m afraid Rodney didn’t like my coming,” Ralph remarked.
“No. But he’ll soon get over that,” she replied. The detachment
expressed by her voice puzzled Ralph, and he would have been glad if
she had explained her meaning further. But he was not going to press
her for explanations. Each moment was to be, as far as he could make
it, complete in itself, owing nothing of its happiness to explanations,
borrowing neither bright nor dark tints from the future.
“The bears seem happy,” he remarked. “But we must buy them a bag of
something. There’s the place to buy buns. Let’s go and get them.” They
walked to the counter piled with little paper bags, and each
simultaneously produced a shilling and pressed it upon the young lady,
who did not know whether to oblige the lady or the gentleman, but
decided, from conventional reasons, that it was the part of the
gentleman to pay.
“I wish to pay,” said Ralph peremptorily, refusing the coin which
Katharine tendered. “I have a reason for what I do,” he added, seeing
her smile at his tone of decision.
“I believe you have a reason for everything,” she agreed, breaking the
bun into parts and tossing them down the bears’ throats, “but I can’t
believe it’s a good one this time. What is your reason?”
He refused to tell her. He could not explain to her that he was
offering up consciously all his happiness to her, and wished, absurdly
enough, to pour every possession he had upon the blazing pyre, even his
silver and gold. He wished to keep this distance between them—the
distance which separates the devotee from the image in the shrine.
Circumstances conspired to make this easier than it would have been,
had they been seated in a drawing-room, for example, with a tea-tray
between them. He saw her against a background of pale grottos and sleek
hides; camels slanted their heavy-lidded eyes at her, giraffes
fastidiously observed her from their melancholy eminence, and the
pink-lined trunks of elephants cautiously abstracted buns from her
outstretched hands. Then there were the hothouses. He saw her bending
over pythons coiled upon the sand, or considering the brown rock
breaking the stagnant water of the alligators’ pool, or searching some
minute section of tropical forest for the golden eye of a lizard or the
indrawn movement of the green frogs’ flanks. In particular, he saw her
outlined against the deep green waters, in which squadrons of silvery
fish wheeled incessantly, or ogled her for a moment, pressing their
distorted mouths against the glass, quivering their tails straight out
behind them. Again, there was the insect house, where she lifted the
blinds of the little cages, and marveled at the purple circles marked
upon the rich tussore wings of some lately emerged and semi-conscious
butterfly, or at caterpillars immobile like the knobbed twigs of a
pale-skinned tree, or at slim green snakes stabbing the glass wall
again and again with their flickering cleft tongues. The heat of the
air, and the bloom of heavy flowers, which swam in water or rose
stiffly from great red jars, together with the display of curious
patterns and fantastic shapes, produced an atmosphere in which human
beings tended to look pale and to fall silent.
Opening the door of a house which rang with the mocking and profoundly
unhappy laughter of monkeys, they discovered William and Cassandra.
William appeared to be tempting some small reluctant animal to descend
from an upper perch to partake of half an apple. Cassandra was reading
out, in her high-pitched tones, an account of this creature’s secluded
disposition and nocturnal habits. She saw Katharine and exclaimed:
“Here you are! Do prevent William from torturing this unfortunate
aye-aye.”
“We thought we’d lost you,” said William. He looked from one to the
other, and seemed to take stock of Denham’s unfashionable appearance.
He seemed to wish to find some outlet for malevolence, but, failing
one, he remained silent. The glance, the slight quiver of the upper
lip, were not lost upon Katharine.
“William isn’t kind to animals,” she remarked. “He doesn’t know what
they like and what they don’t like.”
“I take it you’re well versed in these matters, Denham,” said Rodney,
withdrawing his hand with the apple.
“It’s mainly a question of knowing how to stroke them,” Denham replied.
“Which is the way to the Reptile House?” Cassandra asked him, not from
a genuine desire to visit the reptiles, but in obedience to her
new-born feminine susceptibility, which urged her to charm and
conciliate the other sex. Denham began to give her directions, and
Katharine and William moved on together.
“I hope you’ve had a pleasant afternoon,” William remarked.
“I like Ralph Denham,” she replied.
“Ça se voit,” William returned, with superficial urbanity.
Many retorts were obvious, but wishing, on the whole, for peace,
Katharine merely inquired:
“Are you coming back to tea?”
“Cassandra and I thought of having tea at a little shop in Portland
Place,” he replied. “I don’t know whether you and Denham would care to
join us.”
“I’ll ask him,” she replied, turning her head to look for him. But he
and Cassandra were absorbed in the aye-aye once more.
William and Katharine watched them for a moment, and each looked
curiously at the object of the other’s preference. But resting his eye
upon Cassandra, to whose elegance the dressmakers had now done justice,
William said sharply:
“If you come, I hope you won’t do your best to make me ridiculous.”
“If that’s what you’re afraid of I certainly shan’t come,” Katharine
replied.
They were professedly looking into the enormous central cage of
monkeys, and being thoroughly annoyed by William, she compared him to a
wretched misanthropical ape, huddled in a scrap of old shawl at the end
of a pole, darting peevish glances of suspicion and distrust at his
companions. Her tolerance was deserting her. The events of the past
week had worn it thin. She was in one of those moods, perhaps not
uncommon with either sex, when the other becomes very clearly
distinguished, and of contemptible baseness, so that the necessity of
association is degrading, and the tie, which at such moments is always
extremely close, drags like a halter round the neck. William’s exacting
demands and his jealousy had pulled her down into some horrible swamp
of her nature where the primeval struggle between man and woman still
rages.
“You seem to delight in hurting me,” William persisted. “Why did you
say that just now about my behavior to animals?” As he spoke he rattled
his stick against the bars of the cage, which gave his words an
accompaniment peculiarly exasperating to Katharine’s nerves.
“Because it’s true. You never see what any one feels,” she said. “You
think of no one but yourself.”
“That is not true,” said William. By his determined rattling he had now
collected the animated attention of some half-dozen apes. Either to
propitiate them, or to show his consideration for their feelings, he
proceeded to offer them the apple which he held.
The sight, unfortunately, was so comically apt in its illustration of
the picture in her mind, the ruse was so transparent, that Katharine
was seized with laughter. She laughed uncontrollably. William flushed
red. No display of anger could have hurt his feelings more profoundly.
It was not only that she was laughing at him; the detachment of the
sound was horrible.
“I don’t know what you’re laughing at,” he muttered, and, turning,
found that the other couple had rejoined them. As if the matter had
been privately agreed upon, the couples separated once more, Katharine
and Denham passing out of the house without more than a perfunctory
glance round them. Denham obeyed what seemed to be Katharine’s wish in
thus making haste. Some change had come over her. He connected it with
her laughter, and her few words in private with Rodney; he felt that
she had become unfriendly to him. She talked, but her remarks were
indifferent, and when he spoke her attention seemed to wander. This
change of mood was at first extremely disagreeable to him; but soon he
found it salutary. The pale drizzling atmosphere of the day affected
him, also. The charm, the insidious magic in which he had luxuriated,
were suddenly gone; his feeling had become one of friendly respect, and
to his great pleasure he found himself thinking spontaneously of the
relief of finding himself alone in his room that night. In his surprise
at the suddenness of the change, and at the extent of his freedom, he
bethought him of a daring plan, by which the ghost of Katharine could
be more effectually exorcised than by mere abstinence. He would ask her
to come home with him to tea. He would force her through the mill of
family life; he would place her in a light unsparing and revealing. His
family would find nothing to admire in her, and she, he felt certain,
would despise them all, and this, too, would help him. He felt himself
becoming more and more merciless towards her. By such courageous
measures any one, he thought, could end the absurd passions which were
the cause of so much pain and waste. He could foresee a time when his
experiences, his discovery, and his triumph were made available for
younger brothers who found themselves in the same predicament. He
looked at his watch, and remarked that the gardens would soon be
closed.
“Anyhow,” he added, “I think we’ve seen enough for one afternoon. Where
have the others got to?” He looked over his shoulder, and, seeing no
trace of them, remarked at once:
“We’d better be independent of them. The best plan will be for you to
come back to tea with me.”
“Why shouldn’t you come with me?” she asked.
“Because we’re next door to Highgate here,” he replied promptly.
She assented, having very little notion whether Highgate was next door
to Regent’s Park or not. She was only glad to put off her return to the
family tea-table in Chelsea for an hour or two. They proceeded with
dogged determination through the winding roads of Regent’s Park, and
the Sunday-stricken streets of the neighborhood, in the direction of
the Tube station. Ignorant of the way, she resigned herself entirely to
him, and found his silence a convenient cover beneath which to continue
her anger with Rodney.
When they stepped out of the train into the still grayer gloom of
Highgate, she wondered, for the first time, where he was taking her.
Had he a family, or did he live alone in rooms? On the whole she was
inclined to believe that he was the only son of an aged, and possibly
invalid, mother. She sketched lightly, upon the blank vista down which
they walked, the little white house and the tremulous old lady rising
from behind her tea-table to greet her with faltering words about “my
son’s friends,” and was on the point of asking Ralph to tell her what
she might expect, when he jerked open one of the infinite number of
identical wooden doors, and led her up a tiled path to a porch in the
Alpine style of architecture. As they listened to the shaking of the
bell in the basement, she could summon no vision to replace the one so
rudely destroyed.
“I must warn you to expect a family party,” said Ralph. “They’re mostly
in on Sundays. We can go to my room afterwards.”
“Have you many brothers and sisters?” she asked, without concealing her
dismay.
“Six or seven,” he replied grimly, as the door opened.
While Ralph took off his coat, she had time to notice the ferns and
photographs and draperies, and to hear a hum, or rather a babble, of
voices talking each other down, from the sound of them. The rigidity of
extreme shyness came over her. She kept as far behind Denham as she
could, and walked stiffly after him into a room blazing with unshaded
lights, which fell upon a number of people, of different ages, sitting
round a large dining-room table untidily strewn with food, and
unflinchingly lit up by incandescent gas. Ralph walked straight to the
far end of the table.
“Mother, this is Miss Hilbery,” he said.
A large elderly lady, bent over an unsatisfactory spirit-lamp, looked
up with a little frown, and observed:
“I beg your pardon. I thought you were one of my own girls. Dorothy,”
she continued on the same breath, to catch the servant before she left
the room, “we shall want some more methylated spirits—unless the lamp
itself is out of order. If one of you could invent a good spirit-lamp—”
she sighed, looking generally down the table, and then began seeking
among the china before her for two clean cups for the new-comers.
The unsparing light revealed more ugliness than Katharine had seen in
one room for a very long time. It was the ugliness of enormous folds of
brown material, looped and festooned, of plush curtains, from which
depended balls and fringes, partially concealing bookshelves swollen
with black school-texts. Her eye was arrested by crossed scabbards of
fretted wood upon the dull green wall, and wherever there was a high
flat eminence, some fern waved from a pot of crinkled china, or a
bronze horse reared so high that the stump of a tree had to sustain his
forequarters. The waters of family life seemed to rise and close over
her head, and she munched in silence.
At length Mrs. Denham looked up from her teacups and remarked:
“You see, Miss Hilbery, my children all come in at different hours and
want different things. (The tray should go up if you’ve done, Johnnie.)
My boy Charles is in bed with a cold. What else can you
expect?—standing in the wet playing football. We did try drawing-room
tea, but it didn’t do.”
A boy of sixteen, who appeared to be Johnnie, grumbled derisively both
at the notion of drawing-room tea and at the necessity of carrying a
tray up to his brother. But he took himself off, being enjoined by his
mother to mind what he was doing, and shut the door after him.
“It’s much nicer like this,” said Katharine, applying herself with
determination to the dissection of her cake; they had given her too
large a slice. She knew that Mrs. Denham suspected her of critical
comparisons. She knew that she was making poor progress with her cake.
Mrs. Denham had looked at her sufficiently often to make it clear to
Katharine that she was asking who this young woman was, and why Ralph
had brought her to tea with them. There was an obvious reason, which
Mrs. Denham had probably reached by this time. Outwardly, she was
behaving with rather rusty and laborious civility. She was making
conversation about the amenities of Highgate, its development and
situation.
“When I first married,” she said, “Highgate was quite separate from
London, Miss Hilbery, and this house, though you wouldn’t believe it,
had a view of apple orchards. That was before the Middletons built
their house in front of us.”
“It must be a great advantage to live at the top of a hill,” said
Katharine. Mrs. Denham agreed effusively, as if her opinion of
Katharine’s sense had risen.
“Yes, indeed, we find it very healthy,” she said, and she went on, as
people who live in the suburbs so often do, to prove that it was
healthier, more convenient, and less spoilt than any suburb round
London. She spoke with such emphasis that it was quite obvious that she
expressed unpopular views, and that her children disagreed with her.
“The ceiling’s fallen down in the pantry again,” said Hester, a girl of
eighteen, abruptly.
“The whole house will be down one of these days,” James muttered.
“Nonsense,” said Mrs. Denham. “It’s only a little bit of plaster—I
don’t see how any house could be expected to stand the wear and tear
you give it.” Here some family joke exploded, which Katharine could not
follow. Even Mrs. Denham laughed against her will.
“Miss Hilbery’s thinking us all so rude,” she added reprovingly. Miss
Hilbery smiled and shook her head, and was conscious that a great many
eyes rested upon her, for a moment, as if they would find pleasure in
discussing her when she was gone. Owing, perhaps, to this critical
glance, Katharine decided that Ralph Denham’s family was commonplace,
unshapely, lacking in charm, and fitly expressed by the hideous nature
of their furniture and decorations. She glanced along a mantelpiece
ranged with bronze chariots, silver vases, and china ornaments that
were either facetious or eccentric.
She did not apply her judgment consciously to Ralph, but when she
looked at him, a moment later, she rated him lower than at any other
time of their acquaintanceship.
He had made no effort to tide over the discomforts of her introduction,
and now, engaged in argument with his brother, apparently forgot her
presence. She must have counted upon his support more than she
realized, for this indifference, emphasized, as it was, by the
insignificant commonplace of his surroundings, awoke her, not only to
that ugliness, but to her own folly. She thought of one scene after
another in a few seconds, with that shudder which is almost a blush.
She had believed him when he spoke of friendship. She had believed in a
spiritual light burning steadily and steadfastly behind the erratic
disorder and incoherence of life. The light was now gone out, suddenly,
as if a sponge had blotted it. The litter of the table and the tedious
but exacting conversation of Mrs. Denham remained: they struck, indeed,
upon a mind bereft of all defences, and, keenly conscious of the
degradation which is the result of strife whether victorious or not,
she thought gloomily of her loneliness, of life’s futility, of the
barren prose of reality, of William Rodney, of her mother, and the
unfinished book.
Her answers to Mrs. Denham were perfunctory to the verge of rudeness,
and to Ralph, who watched her narrowly, she seemed further away than
was compatible with her physical closeness. He glanced at her, and
ground out further steps in his argument, determined that no folly
should remain when this experience was over. Next moment, a silence,
sudden and complete, descended upon them all. The silence of all these
people round the untidy table was enormous and hideous; something
horrible seemed about to burst from it, but they endured it
obstinately. A second later the door opened and there was a stir of
relief; cries of “Hullo, Joan! There’s nothing left for you to eat,”
broke up the oppressive concentration of so many eyes upon the
table-cloth, and set the waters of family life dashing in brisk little
waves again. It was obvious that Joan had some mysterious and
beneficent power upon her family. She went up to Katharine as if she
had heard of her, and was very glad to see her at last. She explained
that she had been visiting an uncle who was ill, and that had kept her.
No, she hadn’t had any tea, but a slice of bread would do. Some one
handed up a hot cake, which had been keeping warm in the fender; she
sat down by her mother’s side, Mrs. Denham’s anxieties seemed to relax,
and every one began eating and drinking, as if tea had begun over
again. Hester voluntarily explained to Katharine that she was reading
to pass some examination, because she wanted more than anything in the
whole world to go to Newnham.
“Now, just let me hear you decline ‘amo’—I love,” Johnnie demanded.
“No, Johnnie, no Greek at meal-times,” said Joan, overhearing him
instantly. “She’s up at all hours of the night over her books, Miss
Hilbery, and I’m sure that’s not the way to pass examinations,” she
went on, smiling at Katharine, with the worried humorous smile of the
elder sister whose younger brothers and sisters have become almost like
children of her own.
“Joan, you don’t really think that ‘amo’ is Greek?” Ralph
asked.
“Did I say Greek? Well, never mind. No dead languages at tea-time. My
dear boy, don’t trouble to make me any toast—”
“Or if you do, surely there’s the toasting-fork somewhere?” said Mrs.
Denham, still cherishing the belief that the bread-knife could be
spoilt. “Do one of you ring and ask for one,” she said, without any
conviction that she would be obeyed. “But is Ann coming to be with
Uncle Joseph?” she continued. “If so, surely they had better send Amy
to us—” and in the mysterious delight of learning further details of
these arrangements, and suggesting more sensible plans of her own,
which, from the aggrieved way in which she spoke, she did not seem to
expect any one to adopt, Mrs. Denham completely forgot the presence of
a well-dressed visitor, who had to be informed about the amenities of
Highgate. As soon as Joan had taken her seat, an argument had sprung up
on either side of Katharine, as to whether the Salvation Army has any
right to play hymns at street corners on Sunday mornings, thereby
making it impossible for James to have his sleep out, and tampering
with the rights of individual liberty.
“You see, James likes to lie in bed and sleep like a hog,” said
Johnnie, explaining himself to Katharine, whereupon James fired up and,
making her his goal, also exclaimed:
“Because Sundays are my one chance in the week of having my sleep out.
Johnnie messes with stinking chemicals in the pantry—”
They appealed to her, and she forgot her cake and began to laugh and
talk and argue with sudden animation. The large family seemed to her so
warm and various that she forgot to censure them for their taste in
pottery. But the personal question between James and Johnnie merged
into some argument already, apparently, debated, so that the parts had
been distributed among the family, in which Ralph took the lead; and
Katharine found herself opposed to him and the champion of Johnnie’s
cause, who, it appeared, always lost his head and got excited in
argument with Ralph.
“Yes, yes, that’s what I mean. She’s got it right,” he exclaimed, after
Katharine had restated his case, and made it more precise. The debate
was left almost solely to Katharine and Ralph. They looked into each
other’s eyes fixedly, like wrestlers trying to see what movement is
coming next, and while Ralph spoke, Katharine bit her lower lip, and
was always ready with her next point as soon as he had done. They were
very well matched, and held the opposite views.
But at the most exciting stage of the argument, for no reason that
Katharine could see, all chairs were pushed back, and one after another
the Denham family got up and went out of the door, as if a bell had
summoned them. She was not used to the clockwork regulations of a large
family. She hesitated in what she was saying, and rose. Mrs. Denham and
Joan had drawn together and stood by the fireplace, slightly raising
their skirts above their ankles, and discussing something which had an
air of being very serious and very private. They appeared to have
forgotten her presence among them. Ralph stood holding the door open
for her.
“Won’t you come up to my room?” he said. And Katharine, glancing back
at Joan, who smiled at her in a preoccupied way, followed Ralph
upstairs. She was thinking of their argument, and when, after the long
climb, he opened his door, she began at once.
“The question is, then, at what point is it right for the individual to
assert his will against the will of the State.”
For some time they continued the argument, and then the intervals
between one statement and the next became longer and longer, and they
spoke more speculatively and less pugnaciously, and at last fell
silent. Katharine went over the argument in her mind, remembering how,
now and then, it had been set conspicuously on the right course by some
remark offered either by James or by Johnnie.
“Your brothers are very clever,” she said. “I suppose you’re in the
habit of arguing?”
“James and Johnnie will go on like that for hours,” Ralph replied. “So
will Hester, if you start her upon Elizabethan dramatists.”
“And the little girl with the pigtail?”
“Molly? She’s only ten. But they’re always arguing among themselves.”
He was immensely pleased by Katharine’s praise of his brothers and
sisters. He would have liked to go on telling her about them, but he
checked himself.
“I see that it must be difficult to leave them,” Katharine continued.
His deep pride in his family was more evident to him, at that moment,
than ever before, and the idea of living alone in a cottage was
ridiculous. All that brotherhood and sisterhood, and a common childhood
in a common past mean, all the stability, the unambitious comradeship,
and tacit understanding of family life at its best, came to his mind,
and he thought of them as a company, of which he was the leader, bound
on a difficult, dreary, but glorious voyage. And it was Katharine who
had opened his eyes to this, he thought.
A little dry chirp from the corner of the room now roused her
attention.
“My tame rook,” he explained briefly. “A cat had bitten one of its
legs.” She looked at the rook, and her eyes went from one object to
another.
“You sit here and read?” she said, her eyes resting upon his books. He
said that he was in the habit of working there at night.
“The great advantage of Highgate is the view over London. At night the
view from my window is splendid.” He was extremely anxious that she
should appreciate his view, and she rose to see what was to be seen. It
was already dark enough for the turbulent haze to be yellow with the
light of street lamps, and she tried to determine the quarters of the
city beneath her. The sight of her gazing from his window gave him a
peculiar satisfaction. When she turned, at length, he was still sitting
motionless in his chair.
“It must be late,” she said. “I must be going.” She settled upon the
arm of the chair irresolutely, thinking that she had no wish to go
home. William would be there, and he would find some way of making
things unpleasant for her, and the memory of their quarrel came back to
her. She had noticed Ralph’s coldness, too. She looked at him, and from
his fixed stare she thought that he must be working out some theory,
some argument. He had thought, perhaps, of some fresh point in his
position, as to the bounds of personal liberty. She waited, silently,
thinking about liberty.
“You’ve won again,” he said at last, without moving.
“I’ve won?” she repeated, thinking of the argument.
“I wish to God I hadn’t asked you here,” he burst out.
“What do you mean?”
“When you’re here, it’s different—I’m happy. You’ve only to walk to the
window—you’ve only to talk about liberty. When I saw you down there
among them all—” He stopped short.
“You thought how ordinary I was.”
“I tried to think so. But I thought you more wonderful than ever.”
An immense relief, and a reluctance to enjoy that relief, conflicted in
her heart.
She slid down into the chair.
“I thought you disliked me,” she said.
“God knows I tried,” he replied. “I’ve done my best to see you as you
are, without any of this damned romantic nonsense. That was why I asked
you here, and it’s increased my folly. When you’re gone I shall look
out of that window and think of you. I shall waste the whole evening
thinking of you. I shall waste my whole life, I believe.”
He spoke with such vehemence that her relief disappeared; she frowned;
and her tone changed to one almost of severity.
“This is what I foretold. We shall gain nothing but unhappiness. Look
at me, Ralph.” He looked at her. “I assure you that I’m far more
ordinary than I appear. Beauty means nothing whatever. In fact, the
most beautiful women are generally the most stupid. I’m not that, but
I’m a matter-of-fact, prosaic, rather ordinary character; I order the
dinner, I pay the bills, I do the accounts, I wind up the clock, and I
never look at a book.”
“You forget—” he began, but she would not let him speak.
“You come and see me among flowers and pictures, and think me
mysterious, romantic, and all the rest of it. Being yourself very
inexperienced and very emotional, you go home and invent a story about
me, and now you can’t separate me from the person you’ve imagined me to
be. You call that, I suppose, being in love; as a matter of fact it’s
being in delusion. All romantic people are the same,” she added. “My
mother spends her life in making stories about the people she’s fond
of. But I won’t have you do it about me, if I can help it.”
“You can’t help it,” he said.
“I warn you it’s the source of all evil.”
“And of all good,” he added.
“You’ll find out that I’m not what you think me.”
“Perhaps. But I shall gain more than I lose.”
“If such gain’s worth having.”
They were silent for a space.
“That may be what we have to face,” he said. “There may be nothing
else. Nothing but what we imagine.”
“The reason of our loneliness,” she mused, and they were silent for a
time.
“When are you to be married?” he asked abruptly, with a change of tone.
“Not till September, I think. It’s been put off.”
“You won’t be lonely then,” he said. “According to what people say,
marriage is a very queer business. They say it’s different from
anything else. It may be true. I’ve known one or two cases where it
seems to be true.” He hoped that she would go on with the subject. But
she made no reply. He had done his best to master himself, and his
voice was sufficiently indifferent, but her silence tormented him. She
would never speak to him of Rodney of her own accord, and her reserve
left a whole continent of her soul in darkness.
“It may be put off even longer than that,” she said, as if by an
afterthought. “Some one in the office is ill, and William has to take
his place. We may put it off for some time in fact.”
“That’s rather hard on him, isn’t it?” Ralph asked.
“He has his work,” she replied. “He has lots of things that interest
him.... I know I’ve been to that place,” she broke off, pointing to a
photograph. “But I can’t remember where it is—oh, of course it’s
Oxford. Now, what about your cottage?”
“I’m not going to take it.”
“How you change your mind!” she smiled.
“It’s not that,” he said impatiently. “It’s that I want to be where I
can see you.”
“Our compact is going to hold in spite of all I’ve said?” she asked.
“For ever, so far as I’m concerned,” he replied.
“You’re going to go on dreaming and imagining and making up stories
about me as you walk along the street, and pretending that we’re riding
in a forest, or landing on an island—”
“No. I shall think of you ordering dinner, paying bills, doing the
accounts, showing old ladies the relics—”
“That’s better,” she said. “You can think of me to-morrow morning
looking up dates in the ‘Dictionary of National Biography.’”
“And forgetting your purse,” Ralph added.
At this she smiled, but in another moment her smile faded, either
because of his words or of the way in which he spoke them. She was
capable of forgetting things. He saw that. But what more did he see?
Was he not looking at something she had never shown to anybody? Was it
not something so profound that the notion of his seeing it almost
shocked her? Her smile faded, and for a moment she seemed upon the
point of speaking, but looking at him in silence, with a look that
seemed to ask what she could not put into words, she turned and bade
him good night.