MR. AITKEN: Your Old Bachelor having pathetically represented the
miseries of his solitary situation, severely reproaching himself for
having neglected to marry in his younger days, I would fain alleviate
his distress, by showing that it is possible he might have been as
unhappy--even in the honorable state of matrimony.
I am a shoemaker in this city, and by my industry and attention have
been enabled to maintain my wife and a daughter, now six years old, in
comfort and respect; and to lay by a little at the year's end, against a
rainy day.
My good wife had long teased me to take her to New York, in order to
visit Mrs. Snip, the lady of an eminent taylor in that city, and her
cousin; from whom she had received many pressing invitations.
This jaunt had been the daily subject of discussion at breakfast,
dinner, and supper for a month before the time fixed upon for putting it
in execution. As our daughter Jenny could by no means be left at home,
many and great were the preparations to equip Miss and her Mamma for
this important journey; and yet, as my wife assured me, there was
nothing provided but what was _absolutely necessary_, and which we could
not possibly do without. My purse sweat at every pore.
At last, the long-expected day arrived, preceded by a very restless
night. For, as my wife could not sleep for thinking on the approaching
jaunt, neither would she suffer me to repose in quiet. If I happened
through wearisomeness to fall into a slumber, she immediately roused me
by some unseasonable question or remark: frequently asking if I was sure
the apprentice had greased the chair-wheels, and seen that the harness
was clean and in good order; often observing how surprised her cousin
_Snip_ would be to see us; and as often wondering how poor dear Miss
_Jenny_ would bear the fatigue of the journey. Thus past the night in
delightful discourse, if that can with propriety be called a discourse,
wherein my wife was the only speaker--my replies never exceeding the
monosyllables _yes_ or _no_, murmured between sleeping and waking.
No sooner was it fair daylight, but up started my notable wife, and soon
roused the whole family. The little trunk was stuffed with baggage, even
to bursting, and tied behind the chair, and the chair-box was crammed
with trumpery which _we could not possibly do without_. Miss _Jenny_ was
drest, and breakfast devoured in haste: the old negro wench was called
in, and the charge of the house committed to her care; and the two
apprentices and the hired maid received many wholesome cautions and
instructions for their conduct during our absence, all which they most
liberally promised to observe; whilst I attended, with infinite
patience, the adjustment of these preliminaries.
At length, however, we set off, and, turning the first corner, lost
sight of our habitation, with great regret on my part, and no less joy
on the part of Miss _Jenny_ and her Mamma.
When we got to Poole's Bridge, there happened to be a great concourse of
wagons, carts, &c., so that we could not pass for some time--Miss
_Jenny_ frightened--my wife very impatient and uneasy--wondered I did
not call out to those impudent fellows to make way for us; observing
that I had not the spirit of a louse. Having got through this
difficulty, we proceeded without obstruction--my wife in good-humor
again--Miss _Jenny_ in high spirits. At _Kensington_ fresh troubles
arise. "Bless me, Miss _Jenny_," says my wife, "where is the bandbox?"
"I don't know, Mamma; the last time I saw it, it was on the table in
your room." What's to be done? The bandbox is left behind--it contains
Miss _Jenny_'s new wire-cap--there is no possibility of doing without
it--as well no New York as no wire-cap--there is no alternative, we must
e'en go back for it. Teased and mortified as I was, my good wife
administered consolation by observing, "That it was my business to see
that everything was put into the chair that ought to be, but there was
no depending upon me for anything; and that she plainly saw I undertook
this journey with an ill-will, merely because she had set her heart upon
it." Silent patience was my only remedy. An hour and a half restored to
us this essential requisite--the wire-cap--and brought us back to the
place where we first missed it.
After innumerable difficulties and unparalleled dangers, occasioned by
ruts, stumps, and tremendous bridges, we arrived at Neshamony ferry: but
how to cross it was the question. My wife protested that neither she nor
_Jenny_ would go over in the boat with the horse. I assured her that
there was not the least danger; that the horse was as quiet as a dog,
and that I would hold him by the bridle all the way. These assurances
had little weight: the most forcible argument was that she must go that
way or not at all, for there was no other boat to be had. Thus
persuaded, she ventured in--the flies were troublesome--the horse
kicked--my wife in panics--Miss _Jenny_ in tears. _Ditto_ at
_Trenton-ferry_.
As we started pretty early, and as the days were long, we reached
Trenton by two o'clock. Here we dined. My wife found fault with
everything; and whilst she disposed of what I thought a tolerable
hearty meal, declared there was nothing fit to eat. Matters, however,
would have gone on pretty well, but Miss _Jenny_ began to cry with the
toothache--sad lamentations over Miss _Jenny_--all my fault because I
had not made the glazier replace a broken pane in her chamber window. N.
B. I had been twice for him, and he promised to come, but was not so
good as his word.
After dinner we again entered upon our journey--my wife in
good-humor--Miss _Jenny's_ toothache much easier--various chat--I
acknowledge everything my wife says for fear of discomposing her. We
arrive in good time at Princetown. My wife and daughter admire the
College. We refresh ourselves with tea, and go to bed early, in order to
be up by times for the next day's expedition.
In the morning we set off again in tolerable good-humor, and proceeded
happily as far as _Rocky-hill_. Here my wife's fears and terrors
returned with great force. I drove as carefully as possible; but coming
to a place where one of the wheels must unavoidably go over the point of
a small rock, my wife, in a great fright, seized hold of one of the
reins, which happening to be the wrong one, she pulled the horse so as
to force the wheel higher up the rock than it would otherwise have gone,
and overset the chair. We were all tumbled hickledy-pickledy, into the
road--Miss _Jenny's_ face all bloody--the woods echo to her cries--my
wife in a fainting-fit--and I in great misery; secretly and most
devoutly wishing cousin _Snip_ at the devil. Matters begin to mend--my
wife recovers--Miss _Jenny_ has only received a slight scratch on one of
her cheeks--the horse stands quite still, and none of the harness broke.
Matters grew worse again; the twine with which the bandbox was tied had
broke in the fall, and the aforesaid wire-cap lay soaking in a nasty
mudpuddle--grievous lamentations over the wire-cap--all my fault because
I did not tie it better--no remedy--no wire-caps to be bought at
_Rocky-hill_. At night my wife discovered a small bruise on her hip--was
apprehensive it might mortify--did not know but the bone might be broken
or splintered--many instances of mortifications occasioned by small
injuries.
After passing unhurt over the imminent dangers of _Passayack_ and
_Hackensack_ rivers, and the yet more tremendous horrors of
_Pawlas-hook_ ferry, we arrived, at the close of the third day, at
cousin _Snip's_ in the city of New York.
Here we sojourned a tedious week; my wife spent as much money as would
have maintained my family for a month at home, in purchasing a hundred
useless articles _which we could not possibly do without_; and every
night when we went to bed fatigued me with encomiums on her cousin
_Snip_; leading to a history of the former grandeur of her family, and
concluding with insinuations that I did not treat her with the attention
and respect I ought.
On the seventh day my wife and cousin _Snip_ had a pretty warm
altercation respecting the comparative elegancies and advantages of New
York and Philadelphia. The dispute ran high, and many aggravating words
past between the two advocates. The next morning my wife declared that
my business would not admit of a longer absence from home--and so after
much ceremonious complaisance--in which my wife was by no means exceeded
by her very polite cousin--we left the famous city of New York; and I
with heart-felt satisfaction looked forward to the happy period of our
safe arrival in Water-street, Philadelphia.
But this blessing was not to be obtained without much vexation and
trouble. But lest I should seem tedious I shall not recount the
adventures of our return--how we were caught in a thunderstorm--how our
horse failed, by which we were benighted three miles from our
stage--how my wife's panics returned--how Miss _Jenny_ howled, and how
very miserable I was made. Suffice it to say, that, after many
distressing disasters, we arrived at the door of our own habitation in
Water-street.
No sooner had we entered the house than we were informed that one of my
apprentices had run away with the hired-maid, nobody knew where; the old
negro had got drunk, fallen into the fire, and burnt out one of her
eyes; and our best china-bowl was broken.
My good wife contrived, with her usual ingenuity, to throw the blame of
all these misfortunes upon me. As this was a consolation to which I had
been long accustomed in all untoward cases, I had recourse to my usual
remedy, viz., silent patience. After sincerely praying that I might
never more see cousin _Snip_, I sat industriously down to my trade, in
order to retrieve my manifold losses.
This is only a miniature picture of the married state, which I present
to your _Old Bachelor_, in hopes it may abate his choler, and reconcile
him to a single life. But, if this opiate should not be sufficient to
give him some ease, I may, perhaps, send him a stronger dose hereafter.