Columbus was walking down the main street of Spain one day when he saw
Queen Elizabeth riding along in her new Henry super four.
He called to her, saying, “Howd’y Bella.” She said, “Hello, Colum, hop
in.” They were on pretty intimate terms, at the time, and there was quite
a bit of scandal going around concerning them.
After a little Columbus said, “Say, Bella, I believe if I had a couple
of schooners I could sail over and discover America.” She answered, “All
right, Colum.”
Soon after, Columbus sailed away and sailed for years and years. One day
one of his men hurried below and in an excited voice said, “Columbus, I
see land.”
On landing, they found the Indians all lined up and down the shore
waiting for them. Columbus stepped ahead and said, “Hello, is this the
United States?” “Yes,” said the chief, “we got your cablegram and have
been waiting here to be discovered.” Whereupon Columbus erected a post
and put up a brass tablet giving date of discovery, etc.
After that, he moved to Ohio, and anyone passing can see Columbus in Ohio.
* * * * *
Recruit, Boys!
She—Did you get a commission in the army?
Private—No, I just got a straight salary.
_Movie Hot Stuff_
Clara Smith Hamon, now Mrs. John Gorman, is no longer in possession
of her $2,500 automobile. The car was recently attached for payments
overdue. Her picture “Fate” was given its final death blow as a money
producer when the Arbuckle affair roused the censorship broil anew.
* * * * *
Because his old friend Claire Windsor met Charlie Chaplin at the depot
in Los Angeles on his recent return from Europe, the newspapers hinted
a new romance. However, Whiz Bang’s astute investigators did not go to
the depot, but upon taking a chance peek into Charlie’s drawing room,
discovered among a very few close friends, little May Collins and her
mama.
Evidently the little Collins-Chaplin romance is still on. Pretty foxie,
Charlie!
* * * * *
Married men out west are having an awful time. You know the cleverest
hold-up men and crooks in the U. S. A. beat it for California every fall
to keep abreast to the tourist wealth which goes west as well. These
desperadoes often take an auto of an evening, drive into the suburban
towns or near the lonely stretches of Pacific beach, and hold up loving
couples who are spooning in autos along the roadside. Now, you see if you
happen to be married and are out with the pretty steno or an extra girl,
and you are held up, relieved of diamonds, watches and money, you can’t
very well report it to the police, can you? Reporters have an annoying
way of getting news from police chiefs and, regardless of your rage
against thugs and hold-up men, you surmise it would be better to swallow
your loss.
* * * * *
Domestic note—Alice Brady, who in private life is Mrs. Thomas Crane,
has retired from stage and screen, it is said, in anticipation of an
interesting family event.
* * * * *
From “location” to a “one night stand” in the county jail was the recent
plight of Texas Guinan, film beauty and former musical comedy favorite.
Approximately fifteen hours the movie star basked in the bastile, and all
on account of an unpaid old grocery bill.
The turnkeys are glad she is out. They are willing she reign on Broadways
if she will keep herself out of prison row. The tank heroes shaved
themselves as never before, donned Sunday neckties and bartered keepsakes
for standing room back of the great steel doorway where they might
perchance catch a glimpse of Texas. However, they were disappointed, for
Texas was temperamental and made no appearance in the downstairs “prison
drawing room.” Nosegays and noes arrived, but Texas announced from her
“dressing room” that she never “received” before noon. According to
rumors, Mrs. Peete and Madalynne Obenchain displayed real professional
jealousy.
* * * * *