[Illustration: _COLONEL CHURCHILL (arriving post-haste at the House
of Commons from the Front, on April 18_), "COME I TOO LATE FOR THE
PREMIER'S STATEMENT?"
_Constable._ "ON THE CONTRARY, SIR, YOU'RE A DAY TOO EARLY."
[The Constable was in error. He should have said a week.]]
_Monday, April 17th._--The hon. Member who described the present
Parliamentary situation as "a cabal every afternoon and a crisis every
second day" is justified of his epigram. The lobbies this afternoon
were full of agitated whisperers, with much talk of a divided Cabinet
and this and that Minister on the brink of resignation, because they
cannot agree upon the number of men they want for the Army or the best
method of obtaining them. All of which must be very comforting to our
enemies.
Some anxiety is felt on the Treasury Bench owing to the marked
shortage of Members from Ireland. Hitherto, whenever the Government
has seemed to be in danger, Mr. REDMOND'S followers have trooped over
from Dublin to the rescue. But to-day most of them are absent. Some
attribute their defection to chagrin at their shortsightedness in
resisting the appointment of Mr. CAMPBELL as Lord Chancellor of
Ireland. As Attorney-General they fear he will exert a much more
potent influence in Irish affairs.
Faithful among the faithless, Mr. GINNELL was in his place. He is not
interested in the troubles of the British Government. His present
obsession is the alleged over-taxation of his own beloved country. In
order that he might have due verge and scope to expatiate upon that
grievance be pressed the PRIME MINISTER to arrange an early sitting on
Wednesday and also to suspend the eleven o'clock rule. At this naive
suggestion the House relieved its tension with a hearty laugh.
How much truth there may be in the stories of Ministerial dissension
I do not know; but there is undoubtedly a CAVE on the Treasury Bench.
In the absence of the CHANCELLOR he took charge of the Report Stage of
the Finance Bill, and very well he acquitted himself. Incidentally the
SOLICITOR-GENERAL had the honour of bringing about a notable
reconciliation. Among the few occupants of the Nationalist benches
were Mr. DILLON and Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, who for some years past have
rarely met without a collision. Accordingly when Mr. DILLON had
resisted a proposal to fine any visitor to an entertainment who did
not pay the Amusements-tax, it was confidently expected that Mr. HEALY
would find excellent reasons for asserting that this was the best
clause in the whole Bill, and that only a melancholy humbug would
oppose it. Instead he vigorously supported his former foe with an
argument that I am sure Mr. DILLON would never have thought of. "Was
it not a weird proposal," he asked, "that a child who had unwittingly
walked; through a turnstile should forthwith become a convict and lose
its Old-Age Pension?"
_Tuesday, April 18th._--When one has at last screwed up one's courage
to have a tooth out, there is nothing more unnerving than to be told
by the dentist that he cannot operate to-day and that one must come
again to-morrow. The House of Commons felt like that this afternoon.
Members had flocked from all parts of the kingdom--Nationalist Ireland
excepted--to hear the PRIME MINISTER'S promised statement. Col.
CHURCHILL, Lord HUGH CECIL (with a patch on his lofty brow denoting a
recent casualty), and other warrior-statesmen had reluctantly torn
themselves from the attractions of the trenches to do their duty at
Westminster. The Ladies' Gallery was filled to overflowing.
Then the ominous word went round, "No statement to-day." Sure enough,
when the PRIME MINISTER rose and hushed the buzz of conversation that
had rendered Questions inaudible, it was merely to observe that there
were still some points outstanding, that no statement would be
adequate without their adjustment, and that he would therefore
postpone his motion for the Easter adjournment until to-morrow. Sir
EDWARD CARSON'S motion demanding compulsory service for all men of
military age would, if necessary, be discussed on Thursday.
Members hastened out into the Lobby to chatter about the new phase of
the crisis and to speculate as to what were the points outstanding,
and whether the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS was or was not the prickliest of
them. To the noise and flurry created by their exit Mr. MCKENNA owes
it that his Finance Bill will appear in the Journals of the House as
having been passed without a dissenting voice. Mr. WHITLEY, who was in
the Chair, has not the commanding tones of Mr. LOWTHER, and when he
put the question, "That this Bill be now read a Third time," nobody
rose to speak. Accordingly he declared that the "Ays" had it; and
though several Members then protested that they had not heard the
question put, and urged that it should be put again, he politely but
firmly declined to oblige them.
In an incautious moment yesterday Mr. TENNANT advised Mr. SNOWDEN to
use his imagination. I should have thought the advice was superfluous,
for, to judge by some of the stories that the Member for Blackburn is
in the habit of retailing to the House regarding the persecution of
conscientious objectors by callous N.C.O.'s, his imagination is
working overtime. On the motion for the adjournment Mr. TENNANT had to
listen to several more of them. He was rewarded for his patience by
obtaining an unexpected testimonial from Mr. KING, who in his most
patronising tones declared that he was sorry for the UNDER SECRETARY,
who was really "a great deal better than the average man in the
street."
In readiness for the PRIME MINISTER'S anticipated statement, Lord
MILNER had put down a motion in the House of Lords in favour of
compulsory service for all men of military age; and, despite the
changed circumstances, he persisted in moving it, and made an
admirable speech in its support. Lord CREWE, indeed, found it
unanswerable for the time being, as Downing Street was "still
thinking." He could not say when its thoughts would be resolved into
decision, but hoped it might be to-morrow--or, if not to-morrow,
Thursday--or, if not Thursday, then perhaps Monday. Lord CREWE has not
sat at Mr. ASQUITH'S feet all these years without catching something
of his methods.
_Wednesday, April 19th._--The House was even more crowded and anxious
than yesterday. In the Peers' Gallery a dim figure, carrying a bunch
of primroses and looking astonishingly like Mr. DENNIS EADIE, was
heard to murmur, "I wonder whether England loves Coalitions any more
than she did in my time." The present PRIME MINISTER appears to think
that she does, for, after remarking that continued disagreement on
material points threatened a breakup of the Government, he ventured to
describe that contingency as a national disaster. The Liberals thought
so too, and cheered loudly; the Unionists were not quite so sure, and
Sir EDWARD CARSON, beside whom sat Col. CHURCHILL, looking as if he
had never heard of Ulster, indicated that, while he would be the last
man to refuse the Government time for repentance and reformation, he
would in the meantime keep his Resolution on the Paper for use if
necessary when the House met again.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Stoker (weary)._ "I'D LIKE TO FIND THE MERCHANT
'OO INVENTED BOILERS!"
_Second Stoker (also weary)._ "BOILERS BE BLOWED! I'M LOOKIN' FOR THE
BLIGHTER 'OO FOUND OUT THAT COAL WOULD BURN."]
* * * * *
"WANTED. Reliable Woman to Wash Mondays, 2s. 6d.
daily."--_Llanelly Star._
Some Mondays are so black.
* * * * *
"War Work for capable open-air Woman of leisure. Wanted to
help sister of man called up to run sole grocery shop in
lovely country."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
Why wasn't he called up to fight?
* * * * *
_The Observer_ rebuked _The Daily News_ for unkindness in remarking
that at a certain point in the recent "Poets' Reading," Mr. BIRRELL,
"who had been sitting with his head in his hands, looked up
delighted." But was it quite nice of _The Observer_ itself to say in
its account of the same function that "the Prime Minister looked in
when the readings were in progress, and remained for some time talking
with many friends"?
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Peppery Senior (through din of Bosches' "morning
hate")._ "LATE FOR BREAKFAST AGAIN."
_Very Junior Officer (apologetically)._ "SORRY, SIR. DIDN'T HEAR
THE GONG."]
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