Those who had taken places for the coach, understanding the sixth seat
was engaged by a foreigner, determined to profit by his ignorance; and,
with that politeness which is peculiar to this happy island, fixed
themselves in the vehicle, in such a manner, before he had the least
intimation of their design, that he found it barely practicable to
insinuate himself sidelong between a corpulent quaker and a fat Wapping
landlady, in which attitude he stuck fast, like a thin quarto between two
voluminous dictionaries on a bookseller's shelf. And, as if the pain and
inconvenience of such compression was not sufficient matter of chagrin,
the greatest part of the company entertained themselves with laughing at
his ludicrous station.
The jolly dame at his left hand observed, with a loud exclamation of
mirth, that monsieur would be soon better acquainted with a buttock of
English beef; and said, by that time they should arrive at their
dining-place, he might be spitted without larding. "Yes, verily,"
replied Obadiah, who was a wag in his way, "but the swine's fat will be
all on one side."--"So much the better for you," cried mine hostess, "for
that side is all your own." The quaker was not so much disconcerted by
the quickness of this repartee, but that he answered with great
deliberation, "I thank thee for thy love, but will not profit by thy
loss, especially as I like not the savour of these outlandish fowls; they
are profane birds of passage, relished only by the children of vanity,
like thee."
The plump gentlewoman took umbrage at this last expression, which she
considered as a double reproach, and repeated the words, "Children of
vanity!" with an emphasis of resentment. "I believe, if the truth were
known," said she, "there's more vanity than midriff in that great belly
of yours, for all your pretending to humility and religion. Sirrah! my
corporation is made up of good, wholesome, English fat; but you are
puffed up with the wind of vanity and delusion; and when it begins to
gripe your entrails, you pretend to have a motion, and then get up and
preach nonsense. Yet you'll take it upon you to call your betters
children. Marry come up, Mr. Goosecap, I have got children that are as
good men as you, or any hypocritical trembler in England."
A person who sat opposite to the quaker, hearing this remonstrance, which
seemed pregnant with contention, interposed in the conversation with a
conscious leer, and begged there might be no rupture between the spirit
and the flesh. By this remonstrance he relieved Obadiah from the satire
of this female orator, and brought the whole vengeance of her elocution
upon his own head. "Flesh!" cried she, with all the ferocity of an
enraged Thalestris; "none of your names, Mr. Yellowchaps. What! I
warrant you have an antipathy to flesh, because you yourself are nothing
but skin and bone. I suppose you are some poor starved journeyman tailor
come from France, where you have been learning to cabbage, and have not
seen a good meal of victuals these seven years. You have been living
upon rye-bread and soup-maigre, and now you come over like a walking
atomy with a rat's tail at your wig, and a tinsey jacket. And so,
forsooth, you set up for a gentleman, and pretend to find fault with a
sirloin of roast beef."
The gentleman heard this address with admirable patience, and when she
had rung out her alarm, very coolly replied, "Anything but your stinking
fish madam. Since when, I pray, have you travelled in stage-coaches, and
left off your old profession of crying oysters in winter, and rotten
mackerel in June? You was then known by the name of Kate Brawn, and in
good repute among the ale-houses in Thames Street, till that unlucky
amour with the master of a corn-vessel, in which he was unfortunately
detected by his own spouse; but you seem to have risen by that fall; and
I wish you joy of your present plight. Though, considering your
education on Bear Quay, you can give but a sorry account of yourself."
The Amazon, though neither exhausted nor dismayed, was really confounded
at the temper and assurance of this antagonist, who had gathered all
these anecdotes from the fertility of his own invention; after a short
pause, however, she poured forth a torrent of obloquy sufficient to
overwhelm any person who had not been used to take up arms against such
seas of trouble; and a dispute ensued, which would have not only
disgraced the best orators on the Thames, but even have made a figure in
the celebration of the Eleusinian mysteries, during which the Athenian
matrons rallied one another from different waggons, with that freedom of
altercation so happily preserved in this our age and country.
Such a redundancy of epithets, and variety of metaphors, tropes, and
figures were uttered between these well-matched opponents, that an epic
bard would have found his account in listening to the contest; which, in
all probability, would not have been confined to words, had it not been
interrupted for the sake of a young woman of an agreeable countenance and
modest carriage; who, being shocked at some of their flowers of speech,
and terrified by the menacing looks and gestures of the fiery-featured
dame, began to scream aloud, and beg leave to quit the coach. Her
perturbation put an end to the high debate. The sixth passenger, who had
not opened his mouth, endeavoured to comfort her with assurances of
protection; the quaker proposed a cessation of arms; the male disputant
acquiesced in the proposal, assuring the company he had entered the lists
for their entertainment only, without acquiring the least grudge or
ill-will to the fat gentlewoman, whom he protested he had never seen
before that day, and who, for aught he knew, was a person of credit and
reputation. He then held forth his hand in token of amity, and asked
pardon of the offended party, who was appeased by his submission; and, in
testimony of her benevolence, presented to the other female, whom she had
discomposed, an Hungary-water bottle filled with cherry-brandy,
recommending it as a much more powerful remedy than the sal-volatile
which the other held to her nose.
Peace being thus re-established, in a treaty comprehending Obadiah and
all present, it will not be improper to give the reader some further
information, touching the several characters assembled in this vehicle.
The quaker was a London merchant, who had been at Deal superintending the
repairs of a ship which had suffered by a storm in the Downs. The
Wapping landlady was on her return from the same place, where she had
attended the payment of a man-of-war, with sundry powers of attorney,
granted by the sailors, who had lived upon credit at her house. Her
competitor in fame was a dealer in wine, a smuggler of French lace, and a
petty gamester just arrived from Paris, in the company of an English
barber, who sat on his right hand, and the young woman was daughter of a
country curate, in her way to London, where she was bound apprentice to a
milliner.
Hitherto Fathom had sat in silent astonishment at the manners of his
fellow-travellers, which far exceeded the notions he had preconceived of
English plainness and rusticity. He found himself a monument of that
disregard and contempt which a stranger never fails to meet with from the
inhabitants of this island; and saw, with surprise, an agreeable young
creature sit as solitary and unheeded as himself.
He was, indeed, allured by the roses of her complexion, and the innocence
of her aspect, and began to repent of having pretended ignorance of the
language, by which he was restrained from exercising his eloquence upon
her heart; he resolved, however, to ingratiate himself, if possible, by
the courtesy and politeness of dumb show, and for that purpose put his
eyes in motion without farther delay.