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THE AWFUL AUSTRALIAN
New Volume of Smart Bulletin Verse
[Illustration]
The Kiss of Dolly Day
& other
CYNICAL RHYMES FOR RECITATION.
including THE BILLIARD MARKER'S YARN
by Edmund Fisher.
illustrations by
PHIL MAY.
GEORGE LAMBERT.
B.E. MINNS.
D.H. SOUTER.
ALEK SASS.
C. ROSSI ASHTON.
The
AWFUL AUSTRALIAN
VALERIE DESMOND
Commonwealth of Australia:
E.W. COLE. Book Arcade, Melbourne
46 George Street, Sydney 67 Rundle Street, Adelaide
The Only Edition Printed in Australia
E.W. COLE has been appointed Sole Distributor of A.H. Massina & Co.'s
Complete Copyright Edition of Gordon's Poems
THEY ARE NOW ISSUED IN TWO STYLES--
1. Crown 8vo. (size 7-1/2 in. x 5-1/2 in.), large type, with "Roll of the
Kettledrum," illustrated, and Preface by Marcus Clarke
CLOTH Binding, 3/6; also extra gilt cover, gilt edges, 5/-
2. Pocket Edition (size 5-1/2 in. x 4-1/2 in.)
CLOTH Cover, 2/6.
FOREWORD.
There has been so much adulation lately of Australia, Australian
institutions, and the Australian people by writers with axes to grind
and English politicians with party ends to serve that the people of the
Commonwealth have come to believe that they are the salt of the earth,
and that their country is the earth. Personally, I am impatient of such
credulity, and I think it is time somebody called upon the
self-satisfied Australians to show cause why a little more humility and
a little less arrogance were not more seemly. With a view to restoring
an apparently lost sense of proportion to the press and public of the
country, I have written the following pages. If in telling the truth I
shame the Australian this book will achieve its object. Should a howl of
indignation be provoked, then will the condition of affairs be proved
worse than my pen has power to depict, and nothing will be left but to
declare Australia past redemption. This is the case for the prosecution.
VALERIE DESMOND.
Sydney, July 15, 1911.
FIGURES AND FACTS.
By John Scott.
1. =How to Become Quick at Figures=, comprising the Shortest,
Quickest, and Best Methods of Business Calculations. By John Scott.
2/6, postage 2d.
2. =How to Kill Time=, Catches, Tricks, Comicalities, Puzzles,
etc., etc. 1/-, postage 1d.
3. =How to Play Games=, Cards, Dice, Racing, Lotteries, Dictionary
of Gambling, Curious Wagers, How to Make a Book, etc., etc. 1/-,
postage, 1d.
4. =The Puzzle King=, Amusing Arithmetic, Bookkeeping Blunders,
Commercial Comicalities, Catches, Problems, Tricks, etc.; 2/6,
postage 2d.
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I.--AUSTRALIAN POLITICS 11
II.--THE AUSTRALIAN ACCENT 15
III.--AUSTRALIAN MANNERS 22
IV.--MISS AUSTRALIA 27
V.--AUSTRALIA FOR THE AUSTRALIANS 38
VI.--THE AUSTRALIAN IN SOCIETY 44
VII.--THE AUSTRALIAN AT SHIRK 51
VIII.--THE LISTLESS POLICEMAN 56
IX.--THE AUSTRALIAN'S PARASITICAL TENDENCIES 58
X.--THE AUSTRALIAN'S LACK OF PATRIOTISM 62
XI.--CLUB LIFE IN AUSTRALIA 66
XII.--THE AUSTRALIAN ON THE LAND 70
XIII.--THE AUSTRALIAN TITLED PERSON 76
XIV.--THE AUSTRALIAN AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE 80
XV.--THE AUSTRALIAN POETS 83
XVI.--THE C.Y.A. 90
CHAPTER I.
AUSTRALIAN POLITICS.
This strange, topsy-turvey country, not content with having fruit with
stones on the outside, has made the unique experiment of handing over
its government to its peasantry! Other lands have at times fallen under
the sway of the hoi-polloi, but this has always been temporary, and the
result of some hysterical upheaval. But in Australia this has not been
the case. The electors calmly and deliberately voted the Labour Party
into power in April, 1910, and, since then, two of the six ridiculous
States that this country of four and a-half millions has divided itself
into have also calmly and deliberately decided, by majorities, to
entrust their national guidance to butchers and bakers and
candlestick-makers.
That any body of people should do this--even in a country where every
man and woman, irrespective of education, wealth, or social position has
a vote--seems unintelligible to the English visitor. It certainly was
unintelligible to me at first. It grew more of a mystery when I saw and
heard several of the Labour leaders. Then I saw and heard the Liberal
leaders, and I no longer wondered.
Of all the products of Australia, the politician is the least worthy and
the least competent. Oratory in this land is in the same embryo
condition as gem-cutting or the manufacture of scientific instruments.
Generally speaking, there is not in the public life of Australia a
speaker who reaches to the standard of mediocrity in England or America.
And in speaking, so is it much in the other qualifications that make a
politician. The present Prime Minister, Mr. Fisher, I heard in Melbourne
just before he left for England. Knowing him to have been a miner, I was
prepared. It would be unfair to compare Mr. Fisher with one of our
cultured statesmen at home. But put him beside another miner--Mr. Keir
Hardie--the comparison is ludicrous. I was told to wait until I heard
Mr. Deakin, and, as luck would have it, I did get an opportunity of
hearing Mr. Deakin at a social function at Toorak. Mr. Deakin was
fluent, I'll say that for him, but to regard him as an orator or even an
average public speaker is ridiculous to one accustomed to the polished
delivery and deep thought of our English politicians.
Among the minor members of the London County Council are many speakers
who stand head and shoulders over Mr. Deakin. I also heard Mr. Hughes,
Mr. Tudor, and that amusing gentleman Mr. King O'Malley while I was in
Melbourne, but I must admit that I was not deeply impressed. The great
ones of the Victorian State Parliament I missed, which is possibly as
well, if it bears any resemblance to the State Parliament of New South
Wales. In this deliberative Assembly I found the standard even lower
than in the Federal Parliament. I was unfortunate--or was I
fortunate?--in not being able to hear Mr. McGowen. That gentleman was
already in England, upholding the honour of New South Wales by hammering
a rivet in a girder and walking three miles along a sewer.
But I heard Mr. Holman and I heard Mr. Wade, and I heard Mr. Edden and
Mr. Wood and Mr. Fitzpatrick, and several other funny little men whose
names I cannot remember. Mr. Holman reminded me of the Polytechnic young
man who apes the style of the Oxford Union. Mr. Wade was a lame and
halting speaker, whose thoughts moved slowly, and whose diction was
execrable. Mr. Edden reminded me of an old gardener we had at home. Mr.
Wood was the colonial excelsis. He has the Australian accent strongly
developed, he uses slang indiscriminately, and he is bumptious and
aggressive. Mr. Fitzpatrick struck me as a mild man naturally trying
hard to be like Mr. Wood. The others were colourless. In point of
ability, it was ludicrous to think of these men controlling the
destinies of a colony--even one of a paltry million and a-half people.
I doubt very much if Mr. Holman or Mr. Wade would ever be elected to the
London County Council or even one of the surrounding vestries. If they
contrived to do so, they would certainly never go back at the ensuing
election. Messrs. Holman and Wade in the London County Council would be
simply overwhelmed. The inherent bluster of the Australian might prevent
them being shamed to silence by the preponderating ability that
surrounded them, but it would not be many days before they were
forgotten, overlooked, and not even accorded the dignity of an "also
spoke" by the press. To think of such politicians being in the Mother of
Parliaments is enough to make the legislative angels weep.