"Every day after dinner," answered his niece, sobbing, "my husband goes

out to walk, as he did in the country, and stays away two hours. When

he returns, he is always cheerful and gay, gives me a thousand little

marks of his attention, and swears that he adores me as he did the day

of our marriage. Oh! my good uncle, I can bear it no longer!--You must

see that this is all treachery and deceit. Armand is playing me false."

"He plays less with me at _tric-trac_," was the answer of the

imperturbable uncle; "but still----"

"My dear uncle, if you do not help me to discover this mystery, I shall

die of grief--I shall commit some rash act--I shall get separated from

my husband. Oh! my good uncle, you who are so kind, so ready to oblige,

do render me this service,--do find out where my husband goes every

evening."

"There can be no doubt about my readiness to oblige, seeing that it has

been the business of my life; but really I do not know how I can serve

you."

"Again I repeat, that, if this mystery is not cleared up, you will lose

your niece."

M. d'Ablaincourt had no wish to lose his niece, or, for the matter of

that, his nephew either. He felt that any rupture between the young

couple would disturb the quiet, easy life he was now enjoying, and he

therefore decided upon taking some steps to restore peace. He pretended

to follow the captain; but, finding this fatiguing, he returned slowly

home after a certain time, and said to his niece, "I have followed your

husband more than six times, and he walks very quietly alone."

"Where, where, my dear uncle?"

"Sometimes one way, and sometimes another; so that all your suspicions

are entirely without foundation."

Nathalie was not duped by this answer, though she pretended to place

implicit confidence in her uncle's words. Determined on discovering

the truth, she sent for a little errand-boy, who stood always at the

corner of their house, and whom she had heard more than once praised

for his quickness and intelligence. Having ascertained that he knew

her husband by sight, she said to him, "M. d'Apremont goes out every

evening. To-morrow you must follow him, watch where he goes, and bring

me back word immediately. And take care not to be seen."

The boy promised to execute her orders faithfully, and Nathalie awaited

the morrow with that impatience of which the jealous alone can form

any idea. At length the moment arrived, the captain went out, and

the little messenger was on his track. Trembling, and in a fever of

agitation, Nathalie sat counting the minutes and seconds as they passed

until the return of the boy. Three quarters of an hour had elapsed

when he made his appearance, covered with dust, and in a violent

perspiration.

"Well," said Nathalie in an altered tone of voice, "what have you seen?

Tell me everything."

"Why, ma'am, I followed the master, taking care he shouldn't see

me--and a long chase it was--to the Vieille Rue du Temple in the

Marais. There he went into a queer-looking sort of a house,--I forget

the number, but I should know it again,--in an alley, and there was no

porter."

"No porter!--in an alley!--Oh, the wretch!"

"As soon as the master had gone in," continued the boy, "I went in too.

He kept on going up stairs till he got to the third floor, and then he

took out a key and opened the door."

"The monster!--he opened the door himself,--he has a key,--and my uncle

to take his part! You are quite sure he opened the door himself,--that

he did not knock?"

"Quite sure, ma'am; and, when I heard him shut the door, I went up

softly and peeped in at the keyhole: as there were only two doors, I

soon found the right one; and there I saw the master dragging a great

wooden chest across the room, and then he began to undress himself."

"To undress himself!--O Heavens!--Go on."

"I couldn't see into the corner of the room where he was; but presently

he came out dressed in a grey smock, with a Greek cap on his head. And

so, ma'am, I thought you'd like to know all I'd seen, and I ran with

all my might to tell you."

"You are a very good boy. You must now go and fetch a coach directly,

get up with the coachman, and direct him to the house."

Nathalie, meanwhile, flew to her room, put on a bonnet and shawl,

rushed down to her uncle crying out, "My husband has betrayed me,--I am

going to catch him;" and before the old gentleman could extract another

word from her, she was out of the house, in the coach, and gone. In

the Vieille Rue du Temple the coach stopped; Nathalie got out, pale,

trembling, and scarcely able to support herself. The boy showed her

the entrance, and she declined his further attendance. With the help

of the hand-rail she ascended a dark narrow staircase till she reached

the third story, when she had just force enough left to throw herself

against the door, and cry out,

"Let me in, or I shall die!"

The door opened, the captain received her in his arms, and she saw

nothing but her husband alone, in a smock and a Greek cap, smoking a

superb Turkish pipe.

"My wife!" exclaimed Armand in utter amazement.

"Yes, sir," replied Nathalie, resuming her self-command,--"your injured

wife, who has discovered your perfidy, and has been made acquainted

with your disguise, and who has come in person to unravel the mystery

of your conduct."

"What, Nathalie!--could you, then, suppose that I loved another? You

wish to fathom the mystery,--here it is;" and he showed her the pipe.

"Before our marriage you forbade me to smoke, and I promised to obey.

For some months I kept my promise most faithfully. Oh! Nathalie, if

you did but know what I suffered in consequence,--the fretfulness, the

depression of spirits under which I laboured for hours together!--it

was my old friend that I missed, my darling pipe that I sighed for in

vain! At last I could hold out no longer; and, when we were in the

country, happening to go into a cottage where an old man was smoking,

I asked him if he could afford me a place of refuge, and at the same

time lend me a smock and a hat; for I was afraid that my clothes

might betray me. Our arrangements were soon made; and, thanks to this

precaution, you had not the slightest suspicion of the real cause of

my daily absence. Shortly afterwards you determined upon returning to

Paris; and, being obliged to find a new way of indulging myself with my

pipe, I took this little garret, and brought hither my old dress. You

are now, my love, in possession of the whole mystery, and I trust you

will pardon my disobedience. You see I have done everything in my power

to conceal it from you."

Nathalie threw herself into her husband's arms, and cried out in an

ecstasy of delight,

"So this is really all!--how happy I am! From henceforth, dearest,

you shall smoke as much as you like at home; you shall not have to

hide yourself for that!" and away she went to her uncle with a face

all beaming with joy, to tell him that Armand loved her, adored her

still,--it was only that he smoked. "But now," added she, "I am so

happy, that he shall smoke as much as he likes."

"The best plan will be," said M. d'Ablaincourt, "for your husband to

smoke as he plays at _tric-trac_; and so," thought the old gentleman,

"I shall be sure of my game every evening."

"My dear Nathalie," said the captain, "though I shall take advantage of

the permission you so kindly give me, still I shall be equally careful

not to annoy you, and shall take the same precautions as before."

"Oh! Armand, you are really too good; but I am so happy at being

undeceived in my suspicions, that I think now, I quite like the smell

of a pipe."

SHAKSPEARE PAPERS.--No. IV.

MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.

BOTTOM, THE WEAVER.

"Some men are born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and others

with a wooden ladle."--_Ancient Proverb._

"Then did the sun on dunghill shine."--_Ancient Pistol._

It has often been remarked that it is impossible to play the enchanted

scenes of Bottom with any effect. In reading the poem we idealize the

ass-head; we can conceive that it represents in some grotesque sort

the various passions and emotions of its wearer; that it assumes a

character of dull jocosity, or duller sapience, in his conversations

with Titania and the fairies; and when calling for the assistance

of Messrs. Peas-blossom and Mustard-seed to scratch his head, or of

the Queen to procure him a peck of provender or a bottle of hay, it

expresses some puzzled wonder of the new sensations its wearer must

experience in tinglings never felt before, and cravings for food until

then unsuited to his appetite. But on the stage this is impossible.

As the manager cannot procure for his fairies representatives of such

tiny dimensions as to be in danger of being overflown by the bursting

of the honey-bag of an humble-bee, so it is impossible that the art

of the property-man can furnish Bottom with an ass-head capable of

expressing the mixed feelings of humanity and asinity which actuate the

metamorphosed weaver. It is but a pasteboard head, and that is all.

The jest is over the first moment after his appearance; and, having

laughed at it once, we cannot laugh at it any more. As in the case of

a man who, at a masquerade, has chosen a character depending for its

attraction merely on costume,--we may admire a Don Quixote, if properly

bedecked in Mambrino's helmet and the other habiliments of the Knight

of La Mancha, at a first glance, but we think him scarcely worthy of a

second.

So it is with the Bottom of the stage; the Bottom of the poem is a

different person. Shakspeare in many parts of his plays drops hints,

"vocal to the intelligent," that he feels the difficulty of bringing

his ideas adequately before the minds of theatrical spectators. In the

opening address of the Chorus of Henry V. he asks pardon for having

dared

"On this unworthy scaffold to bring forth So great an object. Can

this cockpit hold The vasty fields of France? or, may we cram

Within this wooden O, the very casques That did affright the air

at Agincourt?"

and requests his audience to piece out the imperfections of the theatre

with their thoughts. This is an apology for the ordinary and physical

defects of any stage,--especially an ill-furnished one; and it requires

no great straining of our imaginary forces to submit to them. Even

Ducrow himself, with appliances and means to boot a hundred-fold

more magnificent and copious than any that were at the command of

Shakspeare, does not deceive us into the belief that his fifty horses,

trained and managed with surpassing skill, and mounted by agile

and practised riders, dressed in splendid and carefully-considered

costumes, are actually fighting the battle of Waterloo, but we

willingly lend ourselves to the delusion. In like manner, we may be

sure that in the days of Queen Elizabeth the audience of the Globe

complied with the advice of Chorus, and,

"Minding true things by what their mockeries be,"

were contented that

"Four or five most vile and ragged foils

Right ill-disposed, in brawl ridiculous,"

should serve to represent to their imagination the name of Agincourt.

We consent to this just as we do to Greeks and Romans speaking English

on the stage of London, or French on that of Paris; or to men of any

country speaking in verse at all; or to all the other demands made

upon our belief in playing. We can dispense with the assistance of

such downright matter-of-fact interpreters as those who volunteer

their services to assure us that the lion in Pyramus and Thisbe is

not a lion in good earnest, but merely Snug the joiner. But there are

difficulties of a more subtle and metaphysical kind to be got over,

and to these, too, Shakspeare not unfrequently alludes. In the play

before us,--Midsummer Night's Dream,--for example, when Hippolita

speaks scornfully of the tragedy in which Bottom holds so conspicuous a

part, Theseus answers, that the best of this kind (scenic performances)

are but shadows, and the worst no worse if imagination amend them.

She answers that it must be _your_ imagination then, not _theirs_. He

retorts with a joke on the vanity of actors, and the conversation is

immediately changed. The meaning of the Duke is, that, however we may

laugh at the silliness of Bottom and his companions in their ridiculous

play, the author labours under no more than the common calamity of

dramatists. They are all but dealers in shadowy representations of

life; and if the worst among them can set the mind of the spectator

at work, he is equal to the best. The answer to Theseus is, that none

but the best, or, at all events, those who approach to excellence,

can call with success upon imagination to invest their shadows with

substance. Such playwrights as Quince the carpenter,--and they abound

in every literature and every theatre,--draw our attention so much to

the absurdity of the performance actually going on before us, that

we have no inclination to trouble ourselves with considering what

substance in the background their shadows should have represented.

Shakspeare intended the remark as a compliment or a consolation to less

successful wooers of the comic or the tragic Muse, and touches briefly

on the matter; but it was also intended as an excuse for the want of

effect upon the stage of some of the finer touches of such dramatists

as himself, and an appeal to all true judges of poetry to bring it

before the tribunal of their own imagination; making but a matter of

secondary inquiry how it appears in a theatre, as delivered by those

who, whatever others may think of them, would, if taken at their own

estimation, "pass for excellent men." His own magnificent creation of

fairy land in the Athenian wood must have been in his mind, and he

asks an indulgent play of fancy not more for Oberon and Titania, the

glittering rulers of the elements, who meet

"---- on hill, in dale, forest, or mead,

By paved fountain, or by rushy brook,

Or on the beached margent of the sea,

To dance their ringlets to the whistling wind,"

than for the shrewd and knavish Robin Goodfellow, the lord of practical

jokes, or the dull and conceited Bottom, "the shallowest thickskin of

the barren sort," rapt so wondrously from his loom and shuttle, his

threads and thrums, to be the favoured lover of the Queen of Faëry,

fresh from the spiced Indian air, and lulled with dances and delight

amid the fragrance of the sweetest flowers, filling with their luscious

perfume a moonlighted forest.

One part of Bottom's character is easily understood, and is often well

acted. Amid his own companions he is the cock of the walk. His genius

is admitted without hesitation. When he is lost in the wood, Quince

gives up the play as marred. There is no man in Athens able to take

the first part in tragedy but himself. Flute declares that he has the

best wit of any handicraftman in the city. This does not satisfy the

still warmer admirer,[22] who insists on the goodliness of his person,

and the fineness of his voice. When it seems hopeless that he should

appear, the cause of the stage is given up as utterly lost. When he

returns, it is hailed as the "courageous day," and the "happy hour,"

which is to restore the legitimate drama. It is no wonder that this

perpetual flattery fills him with a most inordinate opinion of his

own powers. There is not a part in the play which he cannot perform.

As a lover, he promises to make the audience weep; but his talent is

still more shining in the Herculean vein of a tyrant. The manliness

of his countenance, he admits, incapacitates him from acting the part

of a heroine; but, give him a mask, and he is sure to captivate by

the soft melody of his voice. But, lest it should be thought this

melodious softness was alone his characteristic, he claims the part of

the lion, which he is to discharge with so terrific a roar as to call

forth the marked approbation of the warlike Duke; and yet, when the

danger is suggested of frightening the ladies, who all, Amazons as

they were, must be daunted by sounds so fear-inspiring, he professes

himself gifted with a power of compass capable of imitating, even in

the character of a roaring lion, the gentleness of the sucking dove,

or the sweetness of the nightingale. He is equally fit for all parts,

and in all parts calculated to outshine the rest. This is allowed; but,

as it is impossible that he can perform them all, he is restricted to

the principal. It is with the softest compliments that he is induced

to abandon the parts of Thisbe and the lion for that of Pyramus.

Quince assures him that he can play none other, because "Pyramus is

a sweet-faced man; a proper man as one shall see in a summer's day;

a most lovely, gentlemanlike man; _therefore_ YOU must undertake

it." What man of woman born could resist flattery so unsparingly

administered? the well-puffed performer consents, and though he knows

nothing of the play, and is unable to tell whether the part for which

he is cast is that of a lover or a tyrant, undertakes to discharge

it with a calm and heroic indifference as to the colour of the beard

he is to wear, being confident, under any circumstances, of success,

whether that most important part of the costume be straw-coloured or

orange-tawny, French crown or purple in grain. With equal confidence he

gets through his performance. The wit of the courtiers, or the presence

of the Duke, have no effect upon his nerves. He alone speaks to the

audience in his own character, not for a moment sinking the personal

consequence of Bottom in the assumed part of Pyramus. He sets Theseus

right on a point of the play with cool importance; and replies to the

jest of Demetrius (which he does not understand) with the self-command

of ignorant indifference. We may be sure that he was abundantly

contented with his appearance, and retired to drink in, with ear well

deserving of the promotion it had attained under the patronage of Robin

Goodfellow, the applause of his companions. It is true that Oberon

designates him as a "hateful fool;" that Puck stigmatizes him as the

greatest blockhead of the set; that the audience of wits and courtiers

before whom he has performed vote him to be an ass: but what matter is

that? He mixes not with them; he hears not their sarcasms; he could not

understand their criticisms; and, in the congenial company of the crew

of patches and base mechanicals who admire him, lives happy in the fame

of being _the_ Nicholas Bottom, who, by consent, to him universal and

world-encompassing, is voted to be _the_ Pyramus,--_the_ prop of the

stage,--_the_ sole support of the drama.

And, besides, Quince, the playwright, manager, and ballad-monger,

["I'll get Peter Quince to write a ballad of this dream," says Bottom,]

is of too much importance in the company to be rebuked by so inferior

a personage as Flute. In the original draft of their play Snout was to

perform Pyramus's father, and Quince, Thisbe's father, but those parts

are omitted; Snout is the representative of Wall, and Quince has no

part assigned him. Perhaps this was intentional, as another proof of

bungling.]

Self-conceit, as great and undisguised as that of poor Bottom, is to be

found in all classes and in all circles, and is especially pardonable

in what it is considered genteel or learned to call "the histrionic

profession." The triumphs of the player are evanescent. In no other

department of intellect, real or simulated, does the applause bestowed

upon the living artist bear so melancholy a disproportion to the repute

awaiting him after the generation passes which has witnessed his

exertions. According to the poet himself, the poor player

"Struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more."

Shakspeare's own rank as a performer was not high, and his reflections

on the business of an actor are in general splenetic and discontented.

He might have said,--though indeed it would not have fitted with the

mood of mind of the despairing tyrant into whose mouth the reflection

is put,--that the well-graced actor, who leaves the scene not merely

after strutting and fretting, but after exhibiting power and genius

to the utmost degree at which his art can aim, amid the thundering

applause,--or, what is a deeper tribute, the breathless silence of

excited and agitated thousands,--is destined ere long to an oblivion

as undisturbed as that of his humbler fellow-artist, whose prattle is

without contradiction voted to be tedious. Kemble is fading fast from

our view. The gossip connected with every thing about Johnson keeps

Garrick before us, but the interest concerning him daily becomes less

and less. Of Betterton, Booth, Quin, we remember little more than the

names. The Lowins and Burbages of the days of Shakspeare are known

only to the dramatic antiquary, or the poring commentator, anxious to

preserve every scrap of information that may bear upon the elucidation

of a text, or aid towards the history of the author. With the sense

of this transitory fame before them, it is only natural that players

should grasp at as much as comes within their reach while they have

power of doing so. It would be a curious speculation to inquire which

personally has the greater enjoyment,--the author, neglected in life,

and working for immortal renown, or the actor living among huzzas, and

consigned to forgetfulness the moment that his hour is past. I suppose,

on the usual principle of compensation, each finds in himself springs

of happiness and self-comfort. The dim distance, in its shadowy and

limitless grandeur, fills with solemn musings the soul of the one;

the gorgeous gilding of the sunny scenery in the foreground kindles

with rapturous joy the heart of the other. Shenstone lays it down as

a principle, that, if it were left to our choice whether all persons

should speak ill of us to our faces, and with applause behind our

backs, or, _vice versâ_, that the applause should be lavished upon

ourselves, and the ill-speaking kept for our absence, we should choose

the latter; because, if we never heard the evil report, we should

know nothing about our bad reputation, while, on the contrary, the

good opinion others entertained of us would be of no avail if nothing

reached our ears but words of anger or reproach. Since, after all, it

is from within, and not from without, the sources of joy or sorrow

bubble up, it does not matter so very much as the sensitive Lord

of Leasowes imagines what the opinions of others concerning us may

be,--at least as compared with those which, right or wrong, we form of

ourselves. The question is of no great practical importance; and yet

it would be somewhat curious to speculate in the manner of Hamlet, if

we could do so, on the feelings of Kean and Wordsworth in the zenith

of the popularity of the former, when he was worshipped as a demi-god

by the unquestionable, or, at least, the scarce-questioned dispensers

of daily renown; while the other by the recognised oracles of critical

sagacity was set down as a jackass more obtuse than that belaboured by

his own Peter Bell.

Pardon, therefore, the wearers of the sock and buskin for being

obnoxious to such criticism as that lavished by Quince upon Bottom. We

have no traces left us of what constituted the ordinary puffery of the

Elizabethan days; but, as human nature is the same in all ages, we must

suppose the trade to have been in its own way as vigorously carried

on then as now. And, without hinting at anything personal, do we not

week after week find attached to every performer making (whether with

justice or not is no part of the consideration) pretensions to the

omnifarious abilities of Bottom, some Peter Quince, who sticks to that

Bottom with the tenacity of a leech, and is ready to swear that _he_,

the Bottom, is the only man in Athens; that his appearance spreads

an universal joy; his occultation involves the world in dramatical

eclipse; that his performance of the lover can only be surpassed by

his performance of the tyrant; and that it must puzzle an impartial

public to decide whether nature and art, genius and study, designed him

for a heroine couchant, or a rampant lion. To this it is little wonder

that the object of applause lets down his ears too often donkey-like,

and permits himself to be scratched by a Master Cobweb, spun though he

be by a bottle-bellied spider, or a Master Peas-blossom, who can only

claim Mistress Squash for his mother and Master Peascod for his father.

In Peter Quince, Shakspeare shadowed forth, by anticipation, Sheridan's

Puff. Quince is a fool, and Puff a rogue; and yet I think the criticism

of the elder reviewer just as valuable. It is in the end as useful

to the object of applause to be told, in plain terms, that he alone

can act Pyramus because he is a sweet-faced man, a proper man, a most

lovely, gentlemanlike man, as to have the same flummery administered

under the guise of mock philosophy, with gabbling intonations about

breadth, profoundness, depth, length, thickness, and so forth; which,

being interpreted, signify, in many cases, "I know nothing about acting

or writing, but I do know that you can give me a box or a dinner, and

therefore let me play to your Bottom, Quince the carpenter, in an ass's

head, intended as a representation of Aristotle the Stagirite."

Alas! I am wandering far away from the forest. I can only plead that

my guide has led me into my own congenial land of newspaper from his

native soil of poetry. But he never long remains out of his own domain,

and the jokes and jests upon the unlucky company who undertook to

perform

"A tedious brief scene of young Pyramus

And his love Thisbe, very tragical mirth,"

are but intrusive matter amid the romantic loves, all chivalrous and

a little classical, of Theseus and Hippolita, and the jealousies

unearthly, and yet so earthly, of Fairy Land. The romance of early

Greece was sometimes strangely confused by the romance of the middle

ages. It would take a long essay on the mixture of legends derived

from all ages and countries to account for the production of such a

personage as the "Duke ycleped Theseus" and his following; and the

fairy mythology of the most authentic superstitions would be ransacked

in vain to discover exact authorities for the Shakspearian Oberon and

Titania. But, no matter whence derived, the author knew well that in

his hands the chivalrous and classical, the airy and the imaginative,

were safe. It was necessary for his drama to introduce among his fairy

party a creature of earth's mould, and he has so done it as in the

midst of his mirth to convey a picturesque satire on the fortune which

governs the world, and upon those passions which elsewhere he had with

agitating pathos to depict. As Romeo, the gentleman, is _the_ unlucky

man of Shakspeare, so here does he exhibit Bottom, the blockhead, as

_the_ lucky man, as him on whom Fortune showers her favours beyond

measure.

This is the part of the character which cannot be performed. It is

here that the greatest talent of the actor must fail in answering the

demand made by the author upon our imagination. The utmost lavish of

poetry, not only of high conception, but of the most elaborate working

in the musical construction of the verse, and a somewhat recondite

searching after all the topics favourable to the display of poetic

eloquence in the ornamental style, is employed in the description of

the fairy scenes and those who dwell therein. Language more brilliantly

bejewelled with whatever tropes and figures rhetoricians catalogue

in their books is not to be found than what is scattered forth with

copious hand in Midsummer Night's Dream. The compliment to Queen

Elizabeth,

"In maiden meditation fancy-free,"

was of necessity sugared with all the sweets that the _bon-bon_ box of

the poet could supply; but it is not more ornamented than the passages

all around. The pastoral images of Corin

"Playing on pipes of corn, and versing love

To amorous Phillida;"

the homely consequences resulting from the fairy quarrel,

"The ox hath therefore stretch'd his yoke in vain,

The ploughman lost his sweat, and the green corn

Hath rotted ere his youth attain'd a beard;

The fold stands empty in the drowned field,

And crows are fatted with the murrain flock;"

and so on, are ostentatiously contrasted with misfortunes more

metaphorically related:

"We see

The seasons alter; hoary-headed frosts

Fall on the fresh lap of the crimson rose;

And on old Hyems' chin and icy crown

An odorous chaplet of sweet summer buds

Is, as in mockery, set."

The mermaid chaunting on the back of her dolphin; the fair vestal

throned in the west; the bank blowing with wild thyme, and decked

with oxlip and nodding violet; the roundelay of the fairies singing

their queen to sleep; and a hundred images beside of aërial grace

and mythic beauty, are showered upon us; and in the midst of these

splendours is tumbled in Bottom the weaver, blockhead by original

formation, and rendered doubly ridiculous by his partial change into a

literal jackass. He, the most unfitted for the scene of all conceivable

personages, makes his appearance, not as one to be expelled with

loathing and derision, but to be instantly accepted as the chosen lover

of the Queen of the Fairies. The gallant train of Theseus traverse

the forest, but they are not the objects of such fortune. The lady,

under the oppression of the glamour cast upon her eyes by the juice of

love-in-idleness, reserves her raptures for an absurd clown. Such are

the tricks of Fortune.

Oberon himself, angry as he is with the caprices of his queen, does not

anticipate any such object for her charmed affections. He is determined

that she is to be captivated by "some vile thing," but he thinks only of

"Ounce, or cat, or bear,

Pard, or boar with bristled hair,"

animals suggesting ideas of spite or terror; but he does not dream

that, under the superintendence of Puck, spirit of mischief, she is to

be enamoured of the head of an ass surmounting the body of a weaver.

It is so nevertheless; and the love of the lady is as desperate as

the deformity of her choice. He is an angel that wakes her from her

flowery bed; a gentle mortal, whose enchanting note wins her ear,

while his beauteous shape enthralls her eye; one who is as wise as

he is beautiful; one for whom all the magic treasures of the fairy

kingdom are to be with surpassing profusion dispensed. For him she

gathers whatever wealth and delicacies the Land of Faëry can boast.

Her most airy spirits are ordered to be kind and courteous to this

_gentleman_,--for into that impossible character has the blindness

of her love transmuted the clumsy and conceited clown. Apricocks and

dewberries, purple grapes, green figs, and mulberries, are to feed

his coarse palate; the thighs of bees, kindled at the eyes of fiery

glowworms, are to light him to his flower-decked bed; wings plucked

from painted butterflies are to fan the moonbeams from him as he

sleeps; and in the very desperation of her intoxicating passion she

feels that there is nothing which should not be yielded to the strange

idol of her soul. She mourns over the restraints which separate her

from the object of her burning affection, and thinks that the moon and

the flowers participate in her sorrow.

"The moon, methinks, looks with a watery eye,

And when she weeps, weeps every little flower,

_Lamenting some enforced chastity_."

Abstracting the poetry, we see the same thing every day in the plain

prose of the world. Many is the Titania driven by some unintelligible

magic so to waste her love. Some juice, potent as that of Puck,--the

true Cupid of such errant passions,--often converts in the eyes of

woman the grossest defects into resistless charms. The lady of youth

and beauty will pass by the attractions best calculated to captivate

the opposite sex, to fling herself at the feet of age or ugliness.

Another, decked with graces, accomplishments, and the gifts of genius,

and full of all the sensibilities of refinement, will squander her

affections on some good-for-nothing _roué_, whose degraded habits and

pursuits banish him far away from the polished scenes which she adorns.

The lady of sixteen quarters will languish for him who has no arms but

those which nature has bestowed; from the midst of the gilded _salon_ a

soft sigh may be directed towards the thin-clad tenant of a garret; and

the heiress of millions may wish them sunken in the sea if they form a

barrier between her and the penniless lad toiling for his livelihood,

"Lord of his presence, and no land beside."

Fielding has told us all this in his own way, in a distich, (put,

I believe, into the mouth of Lord Grizzle; but, as I have not the

illustrious tragedy in which it appears, before me, I am not certain,

and must therefore leave it to my readers to verify this important

point.) Love

"Lords into cellars bears,

And bids the brawny porter walk up stairs."

Tom Thumb and Midsummer Night's Dream preach the one doctrine. It would

be amusing to trace the courses of thought by which the heterogeneous

minds of Fielding and Shakspeare came to the same conclusion.

Ill-mated loves are generally but of short duration on the side of the

nobler party, and she awakes to lament her folly. The fate of those who

suffer like Titania is the hardest. The man who is deprived of external

graces of appearance may have the power of captivating by those of

the mind: wit, polish, fame, may compensate for the want of youth or

personal attractions. In poverty or lowly birth may be found all that

may worthily inspire devoted affection--

"The rank is but the guinea's stamp,

The man's the gowd for a' that."

In the very dunghill of dissipation and disgrace will be raked up

occasionally a lurking pearl or two of honourable feeling, or kind

emotion, or irregular talent, which may be dwelt upon by the fond eye,

wilfully averting its gaze from the miserable mass in which they are

buried. But woe unto the unhappy lady who, like Titania, is obliged to

confess, when the enchantment has passed by, that she was "enamoured

of an _ass_!" She must indeed "loathe his visage," and the memory of

all connected with him is destined ever to be attended by a strong

sensation of disgust.

But the ass himself of whom she was enamoured has not been the less a

favourite of Fortune, less happy and self-complacent, because of her

late repentance. He proceeds onward as luckily as ever. Bottom, during

the time that he attracts the attentions of Titania, never for a moment

thinks there is anything extraordinary in the matter. He takes the love

of the Queen of the Fairies as a thing of course, orders about her

tiny attendants as if they were so many apprentices at his loom, and

dwells in Fairy Land unobservant of its wonders, as quietly as if he

were still in his workshop. Great is the courage and self-possession of

an ass-head. Theseus would have bent in reverent awe before Titania.

Bottom treats her as carelessly as if she were the wench of the

next-door tapster. Even Christopher Sly,[23] when he finds himself

transmuted into a lord, shows some signs of astonishment. He does not

accommodate himself to surrounding circumstances. The first order he

gives is for a pot of small ale; and after all the elegant luxuries of

his new situation have been placed ostentatiously before him,--after

he has smelt sweet savours, and felt soft things,--after he begins to

think he is

"A lord indeed,

And not a tinker nor Christopher[o] Sly;"

even then nature--or habit, which stands in the place of

nature,--recurs invincible, and once more he calls for a pot of the

smallest ale. (I may again cite Fielding in illustration of Shakspeare;

for do we not read, in the Covent Garden tragedy, of the consolation

that

"Cold small beer is to the waking drunkard;"

and do we not hear the voice of Christopher Sly praying, for God's

sake, in the midst of his lordly honours, for a draught of that

unlordly but long-accustomed beverage?) In the Arabian Nights'

Entertainments a similar trick is played by the Caliph Haroun

Al-raschid upon Abou Hassan, and he submits, with much reluctance,

to believe himself the Commander of the Faithful. But having in

vain sought how to explain the enigma, he yields to the belief, and

then performs all the parts assigned to him, whether of business or

pleasure, of counsel or gallantry, with the easy self-possession of

a practised gentleman. Bottom has none of the scruples of the tinker

of Burton-heath, or the _bon vivant_ of Bagdad. He sits down amid the

fairies as one of themselves without any astonishment; but so far from

assuming, like Abou Hassan, the manners of the court where he has been

so strangely intruded, he brings the language and bearing of the booth

into the glittering circle of Queen Titania. He would have behaved

in the same manner on the throne of the caliph, or in the bedizened

chamber of the lord; and the ass-head would have victoriously carried

him through.

Shakspeare has not taken the trouble of working out the conclusion of

the adventure of Sly; and the manner in which it is finished in the

old play where he found him, is trifling and common-place. The Arabian

novelist repeats the jest upon his hero, and concludes by placing him

as a favourite in the court of the amused caliph. This is the natural

ending of such an adventure; but, as Bottom's was supernatural, it was

to conclude differently. He is therefore dismissed to his ordinary

course of life, unaffected by what has passed. He admits at first that

it is wonderful, but soon thinks it is nothing more than a fit subject

for a ballad in honour of his own name. He falls at once to his old

habit of dictating, boasting, and swaggering, and makes no reference to

what has happened to him in the forest. It was no more than an ordinary

passage in his daily life. Fortune knew where to bestow her favours.

Adieu then, Bottom the weaver! and long may you go onward prospering

in your course! But the prayer is needless, for you carry about you

the infallible talisman of the ass-head. You will be always be sure

of finding a Queen of the Fairies to heap her favours upon you, while

to brighter eyes and nobler natures she remains invisible or averse.

Be you ever the chosen representative of the romantic and the tender

before dukes and princesses; and if the judicious laugh at your

efforts, despise them in return, setting down their criticism to envy.

This you have a right to do. Have they, with all their wisdom and wit,

captivated the heart of a Titania as you have done? Not they--nor will

they ever. Prosper therefore, with undoubting heart despising the

rabble of the wise. Go on your path rejoicing; assert loudly your claim

to fill every character in life; and you may be quite sure that as long

as the noble race of the Bottoms continues to exist, the chances of

extraordinary good luck will fall to their lot, while in the ordinary

course of life they will never be unattended by the plausive criticism

of a Peter Quince.

FOOTNOTES:

[Footnote 22: Act iv. sc. 2. Athens.--Quince's House.--Enter Quince,

Flute, Snout, and Starveling.

"_Qui._ Have you sent to Bottom's house yet, &c.?

_Flu._ He hath simply the best wit of any man in Athens.

_Qui._ Yea, and the best person too; and he is a very paramour for a

sweet voice.

_Flu._ You must say paragon; a paramour is, God bless us! a thing of

naught."

I propose that the second admirer's speech be given to Snout, who else

has not anything to say, and is introduced on the stage to no purpose.

The few words he says elsewhere in the play are all ridiculous; and the

mistake of "paramour" for "paragon" is more appropriate to him than to

Quince, who corrects the _cacology_ of Bottom himself. [Act iii. sc. 1.

"_Pyr._ Thisby, the flower of odious savours sweet.

_Qui._ Odours--odours."]

[Footnote 23: In comparing the characters of Sly and Bottom, we must

be struck with the remarkable profusion of picturesque and classical

allusions with which both these buffoons are surrounded. I have quoted

some of the passages from Midsummer Night's Dream above. The Induction

to the Taming of the Shrew is equally rich. There, too, we have the

sylvan scenery and the cheerful sport of the huntsman, and there we

also have references to Apollo and Semiramis; to Cytherea all in sedges

hid; to Io as she was a maid; to Daphne roaming through a thorny wood.

The coincidence is not casual. Shakspeare desired to elevate the scenes

in which such grovelling characters played the principal part by all

the artificial graces of poetry, and to prevent them from degenerating

into mere farce. As I am on the subject, I cannot refrain from

observing that the remarks of Bishop Hurd on the character of the Lord

in the Induction to the Taming of the Shrew are marked by a ridiculous

impertinence, and an ignorance of criticism truly astonishing. They are

made to swell, however, the strange farrago of notes gathered by the

variorum editors. The next editor may safely spare them.

I have not troubled my readers with verbal criticism in this paper, but

I shall here venture on one conjectural emendation. Hermia, chiding

Demetrius, says, Act iii. sc. 2,

"If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,

Being o'er shoes in blood, wade in _the_ deep,

And kill me too,"

Should we not read "_knee_ deep?" As you are already over your shoes,

wade on until the bloody tide reaches your knees. In Shakspeare's time

_knee_ was generally spelt _kne_; and between _the_ and _kne_ there is

not much difference in writing.]

LADY BLUE'S BALL.

BY MRS. C.B. WILSON.

"So warmly we met," and so closely were jumbled,

Like pigeons in pies, for the rooms were too small;

I was fearful my new satin dress would be tumbled,

As I gasp'd in a corner at Lady Blue's ball.

Some attempted to dance, but ran 'gainst each other;

Some flirted, some fainted; but _this_ agreed all,

They had ne'er before witness'd a crowd or a smother,

Till jamm'd on the staircase at Lady Blue's ball!

A dance! 'tis a heaven, if a girl's not neglected,

And has plenty of partners to come at her call;

And many a mirror's bright surface reflected

Soft smiles and warm blushes at Lady Blue's ball!

Mammas sat aside, (for eldest sons looking,)

Whose daughters had beauty, but no cash at all;

Younger brothers (in thought) were the bright thousands booking

Of those girls who _had_ fortunes at Lady Blue's ball.

And some they were waltzing, and others quadrilling,

"All pair'd, but not match'd," young and old, short and tall:

While some in sly corners were cooing and billing

Notes at sight, and of hand, at my Lady Blue's ball.

Thus Fashion's gay crowd goes on flirting and whirling,

As they mingle together, the great with the small;

And what's life but a dance, too, where, twisting and twirling,

We jostle each other, to get through the ball!

THE MAN WITH THE CLUB FOOT.

TALE (THE SECOND) OF ST. LUKE'S.

"You must know, sir, that our family is of very distinguished origin.

My father was descended from the ancient L----s, of L---- Hall, in

Leicestershire; my mother is from the sole remaining branch of the

renowned family of _Maxwell_;--of course you must remember, sir, what

great actions have been achieved by the _Maxwells_ in olden time?"

"My memory is not very good in such particulars," said I, to the

elegant young man with whom I was speaking; "pray proceed with your

narration, and never mind your ancestors."

"Not mind my ancestors!" returned L----, a little angrily; "but

perhaps you are right, sir, after all; the _living_ ought to claim

our attention more than the dead. Well! we were left in the deepest

distress,--my excellent mother, and myself, her only child. I will not

trouble you in detailing how my poor father, by a hundred improvident

and extravagant ways contrived to dwindle down his property; too proud

to embark in any profession except the army, and afterwards too poor to

enter it. He died of--of--a broken heart when I was about twelve years

old. I did nothing but devise schemes after this event to retrieve our

wretched circumstances when I became old enough. A thousand plans, wild

and visionary, passed through my brain; I could not sleep at night

for projects and inventions. I became fevered, restless, taciturn,

irritable, and absent. One day, when I had arrived at the age of

fifteen, on returning from a solitary walk, weary and exhausted, with

a lump of clayey substance, wrapped up carefully, in my hands, which

I had extracted from the side of a canal at a great distance from

my home, believing it to contain some most precious qualities which

might lead to my making a rapid fortune, I was forcibly struck with

the extreme dejection of my mother, and the want of all preparation in

our little parlour. I could not understand it at first; but the truth

came home slowly, heavily upon my heart. She had no longer the means

of procuring her son and herself another meal!" Here L---- paused, and

looked for sympathy.

"Did not the distress of your mother rouse you, L----, into immediate

action?" said I.

"No, sir," replied my companion, with an emphasis that made me start;

"would you have had a son of the ancient house of L---- go and work

upon the highway? to degrade himself with trade? or----"

"Surely this had been better than seeing a mother starve, young

gentleman," said I mildly; "but I interrupt you. Tell me what effect

was produced upon your mind by the knowledge of your situation. What

did you do?"

"You shall hear, sir, in due time," continued he gloomily; "but I

suppose the relation will cause you some displeasure. We cannot always

be masters of ourselves, or of our own actions."

"But we _ought_ to be so, Mr. L----; there is no slavery so bad as the

slavery of the passions. Then are we slaves indeed," and I looked full

upon him.

L---- resumed: "You shall know the exact truth, sir; I will at any

rate be strictly impartial. When I was convinced that we had not a meal

left in the world,--convinced by remembering the bareness of the walls,

and now missing several articles of furniture that had disappeared

without my before perceiving it,--I seized my hat, and, totally

disregarding the pathetic appeal of my mother's voice,--the beseeching

accents of her who had never yet spoken to me a reproachful word from

my earliest recollections,--'to be calm, and hope that better times

would come,' I darted out of the house like an arrow from the bow, and,

coward as I was, after wandering about for hours to summon resolution

for the act, rushed to the river about a mile from the village, and

threw myself into its rapid current. There I soon lost all recollection

of myself and my misery. The last sound I heard was the gurgling of

waters in my ears and throat; the last sensation I experienced was

that I should not now die the languishing death of famine. My mother's

image was before me; then it grew indistinct, and all was darkness,

vagueness, insensibility." L---- again paused.

"Then you have actually committed the crime of suicide, young man!" I

exclaimed reproachfully; "I trust you have been repentant for it. Your

intention was to destroy yourself; the motive makes the crime."

"My narrative, sir, is of events, not of my own feelings," replied Mr.

L---- proudly; "if you are already disgusted with my conduct as a boy,

perhaps it might be better that you knew not of it as a man. Perhaps I

had better stop here?"

"That is according to your own pleasure, my dear sir," said I,

affecting an indifference that I did not feel; but wishing to curb the

irritability of my young companion.

"Most strange were my emotions," continued he, after a pause and a

smile, "on life returning to my bosom,--that is active life; for I

suppose the principle itself was not absolutely extinct. What is your

opinion, sir, as a medical man? Can life be rekindled in the human

breast when once fairly extinguished? for my part I think it can,

and that mine is a renewed life. You smile, sir, but I should wish

an answer to my question;" and again that proud, yet beautiful, lip

of his, curled with impatience, whilst he took a stride across the

apartment.

"Can life ever be extinguished?" I demanded.

"Certainly," replied Mr. L----, looking at me as if he thought I was

insane, or jesting with him. "Are we not living in one great hospital,

amidst the dying and the dead? Are we sure of our existence a single

hour? Must we not all die at last?"

"Let each one speak for himself, Falkner L----," said I impressively;

"I am sure of the perpetuity of mine own existence; it can never

perish."

"Oh! _that_ is your meaning, is it?" sarcastically exclaimed my

opponent. "I am no divine, and my question related to that existence I

know of. I wished to learn whether I have been absolutely dead? since,

if so, I can account better for many of those thoughts and sensations

that now puzzle and perplex me exceedingly. But I will not press my

inquiry further on you; perhaps you know as little about these things

as myself;" and he pressed his hand upon his forehead, whilst a sigh he

sought to restrain would be heard.

"Go on with your story, L----," said I; "we will discuss this subject

about existence and a future state another time; what were your

sensations on recovering the use of your senses? for you must have been

brought to life, I conclude, somehow or other."

"I found myself lying on the grass," continued Mr. L----, "quite

wet, but with an agreeable warmth within, from some cordial that had

been administered to me. I gazed at first, unconsciously, upon the

clouds sailing by upon the blue ocean of immensity above my head.

I felt myself calm and composed as that depth of sky, fathomless,

unsearchable,--for memory was not yet awakened in me,--and _the

present_ was to me peaceful, holy. Oh, that such moments should be

lost! I thought the moon some new and beautiful appearance just rising

from creation. I was roused into recollection thus:

"'Are you able, young man, now to walk?' said a hoarse unpleasing voice

near me; 'your mother, perchance, is uneasy at your absence; and she

should be spared from the bitter knowledge that her only, her beloved

son, intended to have deserted her in her moment of deep affliction.

Hide this from her; it will be a pious secret. Conceal your intention

of self-destruction from her.'

"During the whole of this speech my entire being seemed to be

undergoing a change, rapid and powerful. I awakened as from a trance.

I felt the enormity of my past conduct. My mother's tenderness! her

uncomplaining sufferings! the sacrifices she had made to procure me

the necessaries of life! her total absence of all selfishness! her

privations! her patience! all rose before me. And how had I requited

her?--by base desertion, by cruel ingratitude! My heart was softened,

and, boy-like, I burst into tears.

"'Showers should produce blossoms,--blossoms fruit!' said the same

croaking discordant voice close to my ear. '_Tears_ are showers for

good resolutions; they should not be unproductive. Your mother, young

man! think of your mother!'

"I started upon my feet, and was going hastily home, when it struck me

that this man must have plucked me out of the water; so I turned to

thank him. I had not yet set my eyes upon him. A short, squabby figure

met my gaze, with a head of extraordinary size, round which hung dark

elfish locks; his eyes were immensely large, and had a most melancholy

expression, yet they were strongly tinctured with benevolence, and had

a most searching quality,--something that seemed not of this earth. My

reason still tottered on its throne: the delusion again darted across

my mind that I was not in the same state of existence as formerly,

and that this strange-looking being was one of the inhabitants of the

new one, in which I found myself. I looked at him again curiously,

inquiringly; and found that, in addition to his uncouth globular form,

enormous head, and eyes with bushy brows, he had an excrescence on his

shoulder known commonly by the name of '_a hump_,' and had one short,

distorted _club-foot_!"

As Mr. L---- told me this, he turned unusually pale, and a cold shudder

passed like a blighting wind over him. I knew he had been subject to

all sorts of fancies and wild conjectures, the offspring of a heated

imagination; so I only coolly observed,

"Oh! your preserver, then, it seems, was a poor hunchback! I wonder how

he fished you out of the river?--how he had the strength to do it?"

Mr. L---- answered me only with a most mysterious look, and another

shudder. I took out my watch, and struck the hour; it had the desired

effect, for he was sensitive in the highest degree.

"I will not detain you long," said he, in a deprecating tone, "your

time is precious;" and thus he continued:--"I stammered out my thanks

for the service he had done me; but my knees knocked against each

other, and my teeth chattered in my head. I was on the point of

falling."

"'You have caught a severe cold, I suppose,' exclaimed the man with the

club-foot; 'but it might have been worse. Here, take another draught

of this cordial, which has been the means already of doing you some

service. Hesitate not; you will find instant relief; I composed it

myself in the island of Ceylon, from the rarest spices, and have often

proved its efficacy.' He approached me; he only reached my waist; and,

what was most strange, I heard not the slightest sound as he moved

his feet! Feet!--shall I call them _feet_?--he had but one; the other

resembled the gnarled, disproportioned fragment of the root of an old

oak-tree; it had a sort of cradle, on which it rested; it was tipped

with brass, and of expensive workmanship. I could draw you the exact

pattern of this shoe."

"What matters the shape of a deformed man's shoe?" said I; "a little

larger, or a little smaller, makes all the difference, I suppose,

between them. They are very expert in manufacturing these _helps_ in

Germany; we cannot approach them in such things. There is a man now at

Hambro', who----"

"This shoe was never made in Germany!" interrupted Mr. L----, with a

deep sepulchral tone of voice; and again he shuddered, whilst a spasm

shook his frame.

"Very likely not," said I, with a tone of perfect nonchalance; "perhaps

it was one of Sheldrake's shoes; but it is of little consequence:--you

and I will never want one of such construction; that is one comfort,

however."

"No," he replied musingly, "not for ourselves: but in my family

perchance it may be wanted. Tell me, sir, are these deformities

hereditary?" and his eyes seemed to penetrate my inmost thoughts.

"Did you mean the _shoe_ or the _foot_, L----?" I asked jestingly; "one

is as likely as the other; but shall we never get beyond or above this

piece of leather, or prunella? I declare we have been standing in this

man's shoes half an hour at least; they pinch me to death."

"I would not stand in that man's shoes for a single moment, to gain an

entire world!" impressively pronounced poor L----, casting up his eyes

to heaven.

"Yet," said I, "one of them might fit you better than the other;

for I suppose that brass-bitted piece of machinery must be rather

uncomfortable to walk with. It would make, too, such a devil of a

noise!" and I again had recourse to my watch.

"It made no noise at all, I tell you!" vehemently cried out poor

Falkner L----; "no satin slipper of a lady ever trod so silently. A

rose-leaf dropping on the ground might have made a louder sound; but

you do not credit me."

"Pooh, pooh!" cried I; "the water was still in your ears; that was the

reason you could not hear the clatter of the mailed shoe."

"Has the water been in my ears these ten--nay, more,--eleven summers

and winters since, nights and days?" inquired my companion petulantly.

"No one can, no one will, understand me,--nay, I scarce can comprehend

myself. That accursed cordial that he gave me!"

"I should like to have a glass of it this moment, for I feel much

exhausted," said I.

"I beg your pardon, I ought to have thought of it myself;" and he rang

the bell for a tray and wine. We partook of some potted meats. I drank

a couple of glasses of Madeira, my friend one of water; the tray was

removed, and I took up my hat.

"Will you not hear me to the end?" inquired L----, fixing his dejected

eyes upon me with an expression so appealing, so touching, that I could

not resist them.

"When will that _end_ arrive?" said I, playfully. "Did you drink the

cordial that this little rotundity offered to you?"

"Yes, I drained it to the bottom. So very delicious was its taste, so

grateful to my exhausted frame and spirits, that I left not a drop in

the globular vessel that contained it. I returned to him the flask."

"'Thou art not yet cured of _thy selfishness_, young man,' said the

man with the club-foot, in a severe tone which made his voice appear

more harsh and grating even than before. 'Couldst thou not have spared

a single drop out of that vessel for the next intended suicide I may

chance to meet with? Fortunately I have been more provident than

thou hast been considerate; I have not exhausted my whole mine of

wealth upon thee. Thy mother, boy, has spoiled thy nature, I see, by

indulgence. Go, and think of others as well as of thyself.' With this,

the strange being I had been speaking with, shaking his coarse and wiry

locks at me, trundled himself away,--for walking it did not seem; and I

again perceived _that not the slightest sound came from his steps_!"

"On entering my mother's small but neat abode, she threw her arms

around my neck, and wept for joy at seeing me.

"'My beloved Falkner! I am so glad you are returned! I have such

delightful news to tell you;--but you are wet, pale, hungry too I doubt

not; but that shall not be for long. I have plenty of every thing good

in the house; food of every description, and ready for eating, too,--so

we will begin: but change your clothes first, Falkner. Why, my dear,

dear boy, you must have tumbled into the river,--perhaps in trying to

catch fish for your mother's supper;--but we do not want fish now.'

"After changing my wet apparel for the only other suit I had, and

that none of the best, we sat down opposite to each other at the

clean-scowered deal table,--the others had been parted with previously.

We had no cloth,--they too had disappeared one by one long before; but

hunger is not over fastidious. A cold fowl was placed upon the table:

a tongue, and a bottle of wine, with plenty of fine wheaten bread,

cheese, and butter. The word '_selfishness_' rung in my ears during

dinner; I was resolved to pluck this abominable vice from my bosom even

to the very roots. When we had ate and were filled, I began to question

my mother how she had been able to procure these dainties.

"'They were sent from the tavern, Falkner, by a _very old friend_ of

mine,--one I have not seen for many, many years. He has taken our spare

apartments at a price twenty times beyond their value, and has given

me a month's rent in advance. He is gone now to order in furniture

from C---- both for himself and us. We shall never know want again! My

darling son will now be provided for, according to his birth;' and my

mother shed tears of joy.

"All this appeared to me exceedingly strange; but, then, it was

delightful also. I complained, however, very soon of fatigue, when

my tender mother insisted on having my bed warmed, on account of my

'_tumble into the water_;' and, bringing me a glass of mulled spiced

wine, she kissed my forehead, and departed.

"I did not wake till noon. What a change had been effected ere that

time, in our white-washed cottage! New handsome carpets were spread

over the floors; chairs and tables placed in perfect order against the

walls, and of the best quality. Room was left on one side our parlour

for a grand piano, which my mother's friend would procure for her use

from London. He had already ransacked a considerable market-town near

us, and had contrived to get together tolerable things, but not of

the quality he wished: he had gone now to London for the purpose of

purchasing the piano, and many other luxuries he thought she needed;

but would return in the course of a week, and take up his abode as----

"'And who is this friend of yours, my dear mother?' I inquired. 'You

say you have known him long. Why has he not sooner attended to your

wants?'

"'For a simple reason, Falkner,' she replied; 'he knew not of them; he

is but just arrived in England.'

"'Is he a _relation_, mother? I trust he is, and a very near one too,

or----' and I hesitated. 'I am but a young adviser, yet I feel that

a female,--a handsome one, too,--a descendant from the proud family

of the Maxwells, ought not to be obliged to any one who is an alien

in blood and name. I cannot suffer _my_ mother to be degraded. We may

perish, but we will not be disgraced.'

"My mother heard me patiently to the end; then, smiling sweetly on me,

told me she admired me for my delicacy of feeling and regard for her

honour, but that I need be under no apprehension on her account, as her

dear and valued old friend was her very nearest relative; also, 'We

are sisters' children, Falkner, and in childhood were most intimate.

You should hear him on the organ, Falkner; he would rival St. Cecilia

herself on that celestial instrument. He wishes now to know in what way

he can benefit my son? Have you ever thought of a profession?'

"'Thought of one! Oh, mother! Have I thought of anything else? Who

can look at those bright orbs moving above us without longing to be

acquainted with their relative positions, their bearings on each other.

Let me be an astronomer, I conjure you, but let me not learn of any

common master; let me understand the wonders of magnetic and electrical

influence, the causes of universal gravitation; whether the infinite

expanse above and around me be an entire void--a vacuum, or full of

invisible ether, from which matter is formed the subtle essence which,

when called together by its Maker's voice, thickens and hardens into

worlds like this I tread on.'

"I was now mounted on the hobby that had for the last three

years--nay, more, from my very infancy,--carried me on its back,

enjoying my day-dreams, and bearing me oft into dark labyrinths of

abstruse speculations. This was the first time I had ever ventured to

mount it, except in privacy; for there is a secret delight in keeping

these same ambling nags, you know, from the sight of others. They

are ready at all hours during the day, as well as night, saddled and

bridled for our use."

"And so is my Bucephalus, Mr. L----," said I, interrupting him. "I dare

say the poor beast is wondering what his master is about this length of

time."

"I beg your pardon; I am a long time telling my story," said my

companion; "but I wished to show you how very soon the favourite

occupation of my mind, indulging in vain abstractions, put to flight

all my prudence, my high sense of honour, and delicacy to my mother's

fame. To have my ardent wishes gratified with regard to my studies made

me forget that perhaps it might be improper to purchase them at such

expense; but my _selfishness_ was not wholly departed from me.

"My mother seemed perfectly astonished at hearing what was my desire

for the future; but she wrote off that night to consult 'her friend,'

whose answer was most propitious. 'He knew a very learned man in

Germany, who could instruct me in all these matters, a Dr. Hettmann,

a great philosopher and astronomer,--something, too, of an astrologer

to boot,--who was certain to receive as a pupil any relative of Mr.

Maxwell's; and, as for the means, he begged my mother not to consider

about those, but to prepare my equipment, and he would himself take

me over to the doctor, by way of Rotterdam, to Vienna, and settle

every arrangement on my account.' And so the preparations were begun

immediately.

"With that inconsistency with which very young men generally act and

think, it struck me forcibly that I could not, ought not, to leave my

mother thus domesticated in the same house even with her near relation,

and I absent; so, with a very high air of importance, conceit, as well

as temper, I told her, 'I should _not_ go to Germany after all, for I

should have enough to do to protect her against the evil designs of

this accursed relative of hers, who I wished heartily was at the bottom

of the Black Sea--the Red one was too good for him.'

"'Do not alarm yourself, my dear Falkner,' said she meekly, and

confusedly casting down her eyes; 'there shall be no impropriety on my

part. You shall never have cause to blush for your mother. The morning

previous to your setting off under the escort of my friend, I intend

giving him my hand at C---- church, and trust you will be present at

our nuptials.'

"I have no doubt, sir, I jumped from my chair a foot and a half at

hearing this proposition," said L----. "I asked her if I had heard

aright? and felt that my lips quivered with emotion, and that a cold

damp was on my brow.

"'It is a long story, Falkner,' said my mother, 'and I have not the

heart to enter into it now; suffice it to say I was engaged to my

cousin, Mr. Maxwell, before I saw your father: _after_ I had seen him,

I could not fulfil my prior engagement. With a generosity I could not

copy, I was relieved from it by him, and he went abroad. But now,

though late, I shall do my best to make my first affianced _lover_

happy.' '_Lover!_' thought I. From my very soul I detested this

abominable Mr. Maxwell. Once or twice I contemplated shooting him, as

a kind of rival; at any rate to interpose my authority--to interdict

the ceremony, to me so loathsome; but then again I thought of our

former poverty, our threatened starvation, of my wretched prospects

without the aid of this odious father-in-law. In the end, after a

fearful tempest in my mind, and then a fit of gloom and ill-humour, I

moodily made up my mind _not_ to prevent my mother's marriage with her

cousin; especially as a box of Dollond's best mathematical instruments,

with a quadrant and telescope, were sent down to me as a present from

this hated Mr. Maxwell. 'I will endeavour to behave decently when he

arrives, and give her to him, if I can, at the altar,' thought I.

"Two days after, a plain travelling-carriage stopped at our garden

gate; my heart beat wildly--I looked at my mother; she was calm and

pale as usual, but her eyes were anxiously, deprecatingly, cast on me.

I understood the appealing glances that came from them. 'Mother,' said

I, 'fear not; I will behave magnificently!--you shall see how well I

will treat him.' I heard the carriage-door slap to; I expected to hear

the footsteps of the ardent, thriving bridegroom coming up the little

gravel-walk leading from the gate to the parlour; but all was quiet.

'Shall I go to meet him?' I inquired in the plenitude of my intended

patronage. There was no need; _the intended bridegroom stood before

me_,--the man to whom I was to give away my tender, my beloved, my

beautiful mother. There, in all his native deformity, with his large

head, enormous eyes, and dark elf looks, stood _the man with the

club-foot_!

"I will tell you the rest of my story another time--not now--not

now!" and Falkner L---- rushed from the apartment. I left the house

immediately.

As I rode home to my own house, half a dozen miles distant, I pondered

upon the narrative I had just heard. "Perchance," thought I, "the root

of this malady is left; it may grow again. I fear he is not quite

recovered. I will see him at any rate to-morrow."

L---- fully expected me, and smiled as I entered; but he looked paler

than usual, and his hand was feverish. I spoke cheerfully to him; told

him some little gossip I had picked up by the way; read him a paragraph

or two from a London paper--the crack article of the day; descanted on

the weather, as all Englishmen do, and prophesied respecting it for

the next four-and-twenty hours. It was his turn next. After a moment's

silence, and a sort of struggle with his feelings, he took up the

thread of his discourse, but not where he had left off.

"You must have perceived, sir," began my young friend, "that I am of

a wayward temper, and have been spoiled by overweening indulgence. My

father--but he is in the grave; let me not disturb his ashes more than

necessary;--I told you he had died of a broken heart. I am ashamed of

the prevarication; his heart certainly was broken, but _his own hand_

assisted the slower operations of nature. He would not brook delay; so

ran a sword into that princely organ, and made it stop."

So fearfully pale now looked poor Falkner, that I handed him a glass

of wine standing ready on the table, and made him drink it, saying

in as cheerful a tone as I could muster up, "Come, come, my dear

L----, you have begun now at quite a different part of your story; we

must not retrograde. I want to know what you said or did to this same

extraordinary-looking being who wanted to be your father-in-law,--this

_man with the club-foot_; what did you say to him?"

"Astonishment chained up my tongue," answered L----, "and disgust to

his person turned me sick. On the other hand, gratitude whispered to

me that he had saved my life: and self-interest suggested that without

his aid, however revolting his person might be, there was nothing left

to us but penury and wretchedness. Suspended as between two attractive

powers did I stand, my eyes wildly gazing on him, and my brain actually

whirling amidst these conflicting emotions."

"'Falkner,' said my mother, 'speak to me!--you alarm me greatly! Why

do you look as if you saw a spirit? Randolph, has my son ever beheld

you before this moment, for there is recognition in his gaze? He was

an infant only when you saved his life thirteen years ago.' 'He has

seen me only for two minutes,' croaked out that same harsh unmusical

voice: 'he fell by some chance into the millstream the other day, and I

helped him out again. To judge by his looks, he would not have done the

same thing by me, if I had given him the same chance;' and the monster

laughed.

"I roused myself at length from the spell that bound me. 'Mother,'

cried I vehemently, 'I must speak to you alone;' the man with the

club-foot moved instantly and silently from the apartment.

"'This cannot be,' I exclaimed passionately, 'that you can call this

hideous wretch your husband! Nature herself must shudder only at the

thought. Deformed, stunted, odious, revolting!--Mother, the very touch

of his hand would be a profanation to the dead. My mother sighed.

'And yet, Falkner, how much happier should I have been had I not been

dazzled from my plighted faith by exterior advantages alone, and passed

my life with one whose qualities are like the fairest diamond placed

in a rude shagreen casket. My son, you have not yet looked upon the

brilliancy _within_. Read that paper, Falkner, and be just.' My mother

quitted the room as she spoke.

"For the first time in my life I perceived a counteracting influence in

opposition to my own in the breast of my tender mother, and the thought

enraged me beyond all bounds. Again I meditated self-destruction; again

gloomily conceived the thought that I would immolate this intruding

wretch, and thus free us both from his persevering attentions. 'It

shall be done,' I exclaimed aloud, clenching my hands together in a

delirium of passion; 'I have learned a few secrets from Nature in my

wanderings alone with her, and one of them I will prove this very

evening on----'

"'_Your benefactor, Falkner!_' interrupted the raven-like croaking of

Randolph Maxwell, looking up into my face with those large melancholy

eyes of his, and laying his hand on mine. I was taken unawares, and was

surprised to find that this same hand of his was delicately white, and

soft as that of a woman's. It had on a ring of surpassing brilliancy,

which attracted my eyes even in the midst of this exciting scene, so

boyish and unfixed at that time was my mind. Was it that the ring

itself possessed some powerful spell over my wayward thoughts? or

that the hand, looking like a _human one_,--nay, even beautiful in

its kind,--made the owner of it appear at that moment like a being

of the same nature as my own? By an impulse I could not control, I

extended my own towards him, and I fancied I saw a moisture in those

large melancholy eyes of his. 'Emma, my betrothed Emma,' called out

that voice, made only for the society of crocodiles and croaking

birds of prey, 'come hither, Emma, and behold thy Randolph and thy

son _friends_.' She entered at the call, and pressed our united hands

between her own. Then all the loathing and abhorrence of my nature

against that inexplicable being returned, and with as much violence

as before. But I covered it over with artifice, cloaked it with

politeness, obscured it from observation by taciturnity and sullenness.

Like a martyr I submitted to my fate; so, the next morning I

accompanied this ill-matched pair to the church of C----, and saw them

married, forcing myself to give away my almost idolised parent to a

thing resembling an ourang-outang. How did I long to spurn the reptile

I looked down upon, with my foot! to crush him to pieces as I would a

bloated toad!

"That very evening my new father-in-law and myself set off to Germany,

my mother having previously put into my hands once more, that paper she

had before wished me to read. I thrust it into my pocket. Her blessing

to us both, as we seated ourselves in the carriage of the dwarf, still

rings in my ears.

"'Farewell, dear Randolph! Farewell, beloved son! For my sake,

Randolph, be kind to this _unfortunate_ boy!' Thus did the dwarf

answer: 'I swear to you by that faith which has been so powerfully

proved, to be careful and indulgent to your son. Write to me, my----'

he would have added '_beloved wife_;' but catching, I suppose, some

strange and threatening expression in my eyes, he changed it into 'my

dear and earliest friend!' I felt choking, but would not give way

to the tenderness of nature;--I would not say, 'God bless you, best

and kindest of mothers!' I threw myself back into the carriage, and,

overpowered with various emotions, I wept like an infant. But be it

remembered, sir, I was not then sixteen years old. At length a healing

slumber closed up my senses. I know not how long it lasted, for when

I awoke I was alone; the carriage was standing without horses in an

inn-yard; my companion would not have me disturbed, and was gone

himself into the house to give orders for our accommodation there that

night.

"My mother had used a word in parting that became to me as a constant

goad; nay, it entered into my very soul. '_Her unfortunate boy!_'

Why should she use the word _unfortunate_? I had been told from

infancy, (and I firmly believed what had been so often asserted,)

that I was eminently handsome. Both my parents had been distinguished

for their great personal attractions, and I had been assured that I

possessed in a still higher degree than they did the exterior gifts

and graces of nature. Then, as to mental ones, had I not been born a

poet, philosopher, everything that was great and noble?--for so my

doting parents always said in my hearing. Why then did she now call

me _unfortunate_, especially when she had provided for me so august a

patron in her second husband? I have since fully known what she meant

by this term _unfortunate_."

Poor L---- at this time rose from his chair, and gazed up vacantly

into the clouds. I knew what he was thinking of, but the subject was

too delicate for me to touch on.

He continued:

"I forgot the paper I had thrust into my pocket when I left my mother.

We travelled on together wrapt up each in our own thoughts, for I

could not force myself to converse with him, although sometimes I was

astonished at the depth and genius of his observations. They fell like

brilliant gems around me, but I would not pick them up, or even admire

their lustre. At length wearied, I suppose, with my obstinacy, he took

a book out of the pocket of the carriage, and began to read. This I

considered an indignity, an insult, and with marks of temper sought

immediately for another. In this mood we reached the house of the

celebrated _Scheele_, in Vienna, where it was agreed I should for some

months reside, that I might learn something of chemistry before I began

my astronomical researches.

"Not a word was said to me on money matters; all this was arranged

without my knowledge. I found a pocket-book on my toilet, containing

most ample means for my private expenses, but it was unaccompanied with

a single line. No leave was taken of me; but when I arose one morning

I was told by the family of the Professor Scheele that 'my friend' had

departed at an early hour, leaving me in charge of them, bespeaking

their kindest attentions for me, and paying most liberally for me in

advance.

"'Tis _all beyond_ my comprehension," said Falkner L---- after a pause,

and repeating to himself that line of Milton,

"And found no end, in wandering mazes lost."

Then abruptly he continued thus:

"I learned all sorts of splendid nonsense from Professor Scheele, for

I know not its utility. I went from him to the renowned Berzelius,

and laid in a stock of more. I studied astronomy under a relation of

the famous Schiller, and alchemy from a nephew of Jang Stilling. But

what availed all these acquisitions? One fixed idea was ever like an

incubus upon my soul,--the thought of my mother's marriage with this

club-footed hunchback. Years passed on; and though invited, implored,

to return to England, yet I could not endure the thought of seeing her

_the wife_ of so distorted a little wretch. She wrote to me ever 'of

his nobleness, his generosity:' I felt the latter in the plenitude of

his allowance to her son; but I was haunted perpetually by his image,

hovering like an imp of darkness over a form moulded by the Graces. I

hated my own country because it contained him, and yet I could think

of nothing else. I became melancholy, morose, obstinate, taciturn,

irritable to excess.

"One day, in clearing out my writing-desk, a paper came into my hand

that I had no recollection of; it turned out to be the very one my

mother had put into my hands just before my departure. These were the

words. It was a letter from 'the Man with the club-foot' to herself.

"'To Emma, the beloved of my heart,--Think you that I am blind to my

own imperfections?--that I am fool enough to suppose that this warped

and twisted person of mine is a thing to be beloved, to be caressed? I

have been conscious of my own deformities from a very child; and then

it was that you, many years my junior, and accustomed to the sight of

my exterior hideousness from your birth, cared not for it, but gave me

the blessing of your companionship, and taught me to hope you could

endure my presence through life. So did I delude myself; so did you

guilelessly assist me in the delusion. I believed I should call you

my own; you sanctioned this belief. But when the fascinating L----

arrived, how soon did I perceive my fatal mistake! I saw it long before

my Emma even suspected it, and--why should I pain you now by telling

you what I then suffered? enough, you know how I acted;--the hunchback

preferred your happiness to his own.

"'Emma, it is unnecessary now to tell you how I employed myself during

seventeen years, and how much I thought of those days when my beautiful

cousin would gaze fondly in my eyes, and call me 'her dear Randolph!'

Need I say what unexpected delight I experienced when once I was

enabled to save her child, then a very cherub, and still beautiful

as herself, from destruction? You know all this; and how, after this

transaction, blessed with her gratitude, I departed for Ceylon. Was I

not loaded also with the knowledge and the misery that she, my beloved

one, was not happy? I could not stay to witness her regrets.

"'I went to Ceylon. It was with a miser's feeling that I hoarded up

riches in that island, which contains more riches than any other part

of the world. I trafficked in diamonds; I tried experiments with

spices; I found hidden treasure; and, as I amassed wealth almost beyond

calculation, I constantly said to myself, 'All this is for her,--_she

will need it_.'

"'And is it not thine own, thou idol of my heart?--and is it not thy

darling son's? But think not that Randolph Maxwell's love is tainted

by vile selfishness. I know, I feel my _person_ must be abhorrent to

my lovely cousin now--it is not like her L----'s; my mind she has some

knowledge of. Let our marriage, then, beloved one! be only of the mind;

let me live with you, gaze on you, hope that I disgust you not, and

you will make your faithful cousin happy. I ask no more. Your child is

mine; I have no other; he is the heir of my possessions, and herewith

I make over to him and you, wealth enough to satisfy the most craving

of our species;--everything, except a small pittance in case you should

wish my absence, is yours. And now, Emma, we understand each other, and

I think we ever shall. If your son----'

"But here the paper was skilfully divided; my mother would not suffer

me to know the opinion Randolph Maxwell had of her wayward Falkner.

Oh! that I had read this letter before!--it would have saved me

hundreds of hours of anguish; but, now that I had done so, I formed

an instant resolution of returning to England and my mother. Having

always the means by me, I put no curb to my inclinations; I never had

done so in my life, and, to my mother's astonishment, arrived there

without informing her she might expect me. Enchantment seemed to have

been used, for a palace had risen up close to our former white-washed

cottage. I forgot my mother had apprised me. By an expensive process,

full-grown trees of every kind had been transplanted to the new abode;

it was imbedded in the midst of costly firs and flowering shrubs. I

flew to her and tenderly embraced her. I even inquired respectfully

for _the man with the club-foot_. I began myself to honour him. My

mother's countenance changed as I mentioned his name, and an unknown

kind of dread came over me. 'Let me know the worst at once,' said I,

'for,'--in short, I thought then, as now, that he had more than mortal

agency.

"'_The worst_ will soon be told you, Falkner,' said my mother sadly.

'My cousin Randolph is dying: he has been in a declining state for the

last two years. He eats nothing, never sleeps, and I shall soon lose

a being of such exemplary worth, that I fear it will break my heart.

It is impossible to describe to you the nobleness, the disinterested

attachment of this creature, now at the very point of death. But here

comes Dr. E----; he has been with my poor Randolph for the last two

hours; he will tell us what he thinks of his malady;'--and you, sir,

came into the room."

"Do you remember this circumstance, doctor?" said Falkner to me, "do

you remember coming in from the bedside of your patient to the room

where my mother and myself were sitting,--do you remember how closely I

questioned you?"

"_I do_," answered I dryly, "and also what passed in the sick man's

chamber. But proceed with your narration--I think you have not much

more to say."

"Is it then still a profound _secret_ what that man, or devil,--I

know not which he is,--communicated to you at that time?" inquired

poor L----, looking at me with eyes that seemed to search my very

soul. "You told us, doctor, he was dying, and I thought so too myself

afterwards; for I was prevailed on to visit him you both called _my

benefactor_!--Oh God! oh God! what is the reason that he did not

die?--that in a few days he--this hunchback--rose from that couch

where we all expected he would close for ever those melancholy eyes?

Instead of our carrying him to the churchyard, and burying him deep,

deep there, he broke his plighted faith to my ill-used mother, and rose

from his couch to _become the partner of hers_--her veritable husband!

Was it not this accursed knowledge that utterly destroyed me? Did I not

rave then, beat my breast, and become a madman? Did I not attempt the

life of her who gave me birth? And was I not prevented from fulfilling

my design by this same loathsome being, who bound my hands together

with a strength as if he had been a giant; not the pigmy that he

is?--He overcame me--I remember this, now, full well."

"All this is nothing new to me," said I, "for I attended you all the

time of your illness, _and you have been very bad indeed_. But what

then? These clouds will pass away, and the sun, the brilliant star of

your mind, will be much brighter than it has ever been. Can you bear

Falkner L---- to hear what passed in the sick chamber of him you have

called by such opprobrious names?"

"Before I answer you, doctor, you must resolve me one question," and

the brow of the young man darkened:--"How long have I been ill?" This

was whispered rather than spoken.

"Exactly ten months," I replied. "Is that your question?" and I smiled

upon him, for I knew what was in his mind.

"No," he answered; "it is only the scaffolding about it. It shall out,"

cried poor L---- furiously, "and on its reply depends whether I will

ever speak again to man or woman during my short remnant of life. It is

a question to me of vital importance indeed!" I am reluctant to give

it utterance, so much disgust do I feel with this whole affair; yet I

have a burning desire _to know_, and I will be satisfied."

"So had our first parents, L----," said I; "but they found the fruit

of the tree of knowledge bitter and indigestive. _Wisdom_ is always

preferable to _knowledge_; for it yields content, calmness, holiness.

But what is your question? I think I know its purport--out with it."

"Has my mother given birth to a child of that abominable man with the

club-foot?" cried poor L---- almost inaudibly, with a lip quivering,

an eye flaming; "is there _another_ little wretch upon this earth

inheriting the deformities of that monster?--a creature doomed to walk

in shoes that give no sound, and therefore of magic and unlawful make?"

"What nonsense you talk, L----!" cried I. "Why, I took up those very

shoes and examined them curiously, when I visited the sick chamber

of their owner. I was struck with their strange make, and was much

pleased with the invention, which is a German one; and I mean to write

over for a pair or two of boots, made on this same construction, as I

dislike creaking appendages to my feet of all things; for it sounds

so _material_, you know. The soles of these are elastic and hollow,

filled, moreover, with gas, which makes the wearer light-footed.

We--that is, you and I--do not want such inventions to our _heads_, you

know," I said a little archly; "we are light-headed enough without the

assistance of German mechanists; but for their shoes we thank them."

"Perhaps they have helped us a little to be light-headed too,

notwithstanding," retorted L---- with a spirit I was delighted to see.

"German philosophy may produce the same effects on the head as German

boots on the feet. But you astonish me by what you say! Elastic hollow

soles!--then there was no necromancy in them after all! But still you

have not answered my question, doctor."

"All in good time, L----; let me first put one category to you. What

should make you have such a dreadful abhorrence to infants?--are they

not the most interesting beings in the universe?--does not heaven lie

about them then? As for inheriting a club-foot, that is all stuff. The

children of Socrates did not inherit his snub nose, nor the mind either

of him who chanced to have this _nez retroussé_."

"What am I to infer from this preamble?" demanded L---- with a face as

white as death.

"Why, that you have as lovely a little sister as ever opened a pair of

eyes upon this earthly scene--such a pair of eyes, too!--large, dark,

magnificent eyes,--much handsomer than yours, L----, and they are not

much to be found fault with. In short, my little god-daughter Emma is

a perfect beauty, of about three weeks old,--and I am ready to enter

the lists with any one who is bold enough to deny the full power of her

infantine charms."

There was a long pause after this.

"And her feet?" inquired L----, gasping for breath, "has she--club

feet?"

"Pshaw! you never expected more than one; her father----" But he wildly

interrupted me.

"Oh! name him not!--name him not!--Deceiver!--liar!--hypocrite!--I knew

it would come to this!--this is what has maddened me--I knew it would

be so!"

"Then you have been a seer and a prophet," replied I, "all along. Allow

me to bow to your superior wisdom. I never dreamed of such a thing;

yet would it not have been as it has turned out, but for my advice, my

judgment."

"What on earth could _you_ have had to do with this wretched business?"

inquired L----. "Pray, pray, do not confuse me more than you can help."

"I am going rather to enlighten you, L----," said I, "and must beg

you seriously to attend now to me. You know that I was summoned to

attend upon Mr. Randolph Maxwell, the first cousin of your mother.

Well, I found him in almost a dying state,--weak, exhausted, dejected

in the extreme, without a wish to live. I inquired into the symptoms

of his malady. I could gain no information from his words; but those

melancholy yet beautiful eyes of his gave me a suspicion. Having

obtained a clue, and _not_ having the same contemptible and erroneous

opinion of my patient as yourself, I arrived at length at the truth,

and found that this '_demon_,' as you are pleased to call him, was

falling a sacrifice to his high sense of honour, and delicacy to

his idolised wife's feelings. He had adored her ever, and believed

firmly, when he wrote that last epistle to her which you saw, that he

was capable of keeping his word; that the society of his Emma as a

friend and sister only would fully satisfy every desire of his heart.

But in living with her, in receiving her smiles, and hearing himself

called 'Randolph,' 'dear Randolph,' by lips so lovely and beloved, he

found that he was human, and had human wishes to gratify. Thus, like

Tantalus, did he languish and droop, yet without a hope, uttering a

complaint, or making a single effort to draw her compassion, or even

to let his sufferings be understood by her. By heavens! L----, that

man, small as he is in stature, deformed and unpleasant to look upon,

is one of the greatest heroes, ay, martyrs, let it be added,--I speak

as a medical man,--that history has to boast of!"--I paused as I said

this, and waited for some observation from my young friend; but he

merely leaned his cheek upon his hand, and cast his eyes upon the

ground.--"Shall I proceed?" asked I.

"I can finish the narrative myself," said he: "you communicated the

state of her friend, of course, to my mother, and she,--to save his

life,----"

"--Told me," cried I, "that she had now been so long accustomed to

his presence, so familiarised with his uncouth appearance, that she

scarcely noticed his deformities; that his attentions, his delicacy,

his devotedness to her for so long a time, had taken from her all

repugnance to his person; and that she could truly say, 'she loved

him even as he was.'" L---- groaned aloud. "Oh!" continued I, "I

wish I could describe to you the feelings of this man with the

_club-foot_,--this being so despised, so loathed by you,--when I

repeated to him, word for word, what his adored wife had imparted to

me,--when the delightful conviction stole into his mind that there

was one woman in the world, and that one the most valued and the most

lovely, who could look upon him, dwarf, hunchback as he was, with eyes

of returning affection,--that he was loved in some measure with a

return.--After all, L----, what is there in the outside?"

"Is my mother happy?" at length inquired L---- with a burning cheek,

but a softening tone of voice.

"The only drawback on her felicity is from the waywardness, the morbid

temper, and the cruel prejudices of her only son," said I. "What

is there in a mere form, the husk, the shell, the covering of the

immortal mind? Would you have treated Socrates as you have treated Mr.

Maxwell?--thus have despised Alexander Pope?"

"_Socrates had not a club-foot_," answered he; but I fancied that an

air of pleasantry accompanied the observation: "Pope had not this

deformity."

"But other great men had," I replied, "who were as inferior to the

gentleman we have been speaking of in _true heroism_, as they excelled

him in other mere personal attractions. Remember the adage, L----,

'Handsome is who handsome does.'"

"Doctor E----" exclaimed Falkner L----, after a pause of an entire

minute, for I noted it by my stop-watch,--"Doctor E----, I will see

this infant sister of mine; I will see its--its father also; I will be

one of that happy family.--Oh, what a monster of prejudice have I been

until this very hour!"

"You say right, my dear L----; prejudice does make monsters of

mankind,--_it has made you mad_,--but happily you are restored. Look

not in future on the outside of the cup and platter; for be assured

that the pearl beyond all price is to be found within. Prejudice and

pride are, according to my experience, the causes of more lunacy even

than the use of ardent spirits, or the goad of poverty, that eateth

into the very soul."

I had the great satisfaction of seeing that very evening a lovely

female infant, dressed in a white cassimere cloak and hood, trimmed

with swansdown and rich lace, in the arms of the young man, who

caressed the child with every mark of affection, and called her "his

dear, dear little sister!" I smiled to myself also at seeing this same

young man looking with pleased delight on its small perfect ivory feet,

which I took care to display; and much pleased was I in hearing him for

the first time in his life say with sincerity,

"_My dear Mr. Maxwell_, I thank you from my very heart for the

kindness you have shown to this beloved lady, your happy wife, and the

forbearance you have evinced towards her wayward and insulting son.--Am

I forgiven?"

"From my very soul!" said a voice, now heard without disgust,

notwithstanding its croaking and discordant tone. It was that of "The

Man with the Club-Foot."

FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE

ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING.

We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to place

before our readers a complete and accurate account of the proceedings

at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog association, holden in the

town of Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay the result before

them, in the shape of various communications received from our able,

talented, and graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the

purpose, who has immortalised us, himself, Mudfog, and the association,

all at one and the same time. We have been, indeed, for some days

unable to determine who will transmit the greatest name to posterity;

ourselves, who sent our correspondent down; our correspondent, who

wrote an account of the matter; or the association, who gave our

correspondent something to write about. We rather incline to the

opinion that we are the greatest man of the party, inasmuch as the

notion of an exclusive and authentic report originated with us; this

may be prejudice: it may arise from a prepossession on our part in our

own favour. Be it so. We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned

in this mighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a

greater or less degree; and it is a consolation to us to know that we

have at least this feeling in common with the great scientific stars,

the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose speculations we

record.

We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which they reached

us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful whole, would

only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness, and rich vein of

picturesque interest, which pervade them throughout.

"_Mudfog, Monday night, seven o'clock._

"We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is spoken of,

but the approaching meeting of the association. The inn-doors are

thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals;

and the numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of private

houses, intimating that there are beds to let within, give the streets

a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers being of a great

variety of colours, and the monotony of printed inscriptions being

relieved by every possible size and style of hand-writing. It is

confidently rumoured that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have

engaged three beds and a sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-box. I

give you the rumour as it has reached me; but I cannot, as yet, vouch

for its accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to obtain any certain

information upon this interesting point, you may depend upon receiving

it."

"_Half-past seven._

"I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord of

the Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of the probability of

Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at his

house during the sitting of the association, but denies that the beds

have been yet engaged; in which representation he is confirmed by the

chambermaid,--a girl of artless manners, and interesting appearance.

The boots denies that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze,

and Wheezy will put up here; but I have reason to believe that this man

has been suborned by the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the

opposition hotel. Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to

arrive at the real truth; but you may depend upon receiving authentic

information upon this point the moment the fact is ascertained. The

excitement still continues. A boy fell through the window of the

pastrycook's shop at the corner of the High-street about half an hour

ago, which has occasioned much confusion. The general impression is,

that it was an accident. Pray Heaven it may prove so!"

"_Tuesday, noon._

"At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struck

seven o'clock; the effect of which, in the present lively state of

the town, was extremely singular. While I was at breakfast, a yellow

gig, drawn by a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over his right

eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the Original Pig

stables; it is currently reported that this gentleman has arrived here

for the purpose of attending the association, and, from what I have

heard, I consider it extremely probable, although nothing decisive is

yet known regarding him. You may conceive the anxiety with which we

are all looking forward to the arrival of the four o'clock coach this

afternoon.

"Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has yet

been committed, owing to the admirable discipline and discretion of the

police, who are nowhere to be seen. A barrel-organ is playing opposite

my window, and groups of people, offering fish and vegetables for sale,

parade the streets. With these exceptions everything is quiet, and I

trust will continue so."

"_Five o'clock._

"It is now ascertained beyond all doubt that Professors Snore, Doze,

and Wheezy will _not_ repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but have

actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig. This intelligence

is _exclusive_; and I leave you and your readers to draw their own

inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, of all people in the world,

should repair to the Original Pig in preference to the Pig and

Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive. The professor is a man who

should be above all such petty feelings. Some people here, openly

impute treachery and a distinct breach of faith to Professors Snore

and Doze; while others, again, are disposed to acquit them of any

culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests

solely with Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the latter

opinion; and, although it gives me great pain to speak in terms of

censure or disapprobation of a man of such transcendent genius and

acquirements, still I am bound to say, that if my suspicions be well

founded, and if all the reports which have reached my ears be true, I

really do not well know what to make of the matter.

"Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived this

afternoon by the four o'clock stage. His complexion is a dark purple,

and he has a habit of sighing constantly. He looked extremely well, and

appeared in high health and spirits. Mr. Woodensconse also came down in

the same conveyance. The distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his

arrival, and I am informed by the guard that he had been so, the whole

way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what

gigantic visions must those be, that flit through the brain of such a

man, when his body is in a state of torpidity!

"The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told (I know

not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the Original

Pig within the last half-hour; and I myself observed a wheelbarrow,

containing three carpet-bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the

Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago than five minutes since. The people

are still quietly pursuing their ordinary occupations; but there is

a wildness in their eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of

their countenances, which shows to the observant spectator that their

expectations are strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless some

very extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that consequences may

arise from this popular ferment, which every man of sense and feeling

would deplore."

"_Twenty minutes past six._

"I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's

window last night, has died of the fright. He was suddenly called upon

to pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and his constitution, it

seems, was not strong enough to bear up against the shock. The inquest,

it is said, will be held to-morrow."

"_Three-quarters past seven._

"Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door; they

at once ordered dinner with great condescension. We are all very

much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the ease with

which they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary

life. Immediately on their arrival they sent for the head-waiter, and

privately requested him to purchase a live dog,--as cheap a one as he

could meet with,--and to send him up after dinner, with a pie-board,

a knife and fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured that some

experiments will be tried upon the dog to-night; if any particulars

should transpire, I will forward them by express."

"_Half-past eight._

"The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of rather intelligent

appearance, in good condition, and with very short legs. He has been

tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is howling dreadfully."

"_Ten minutes to nine._

"The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which would appear

almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized the waiter

by the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and made

a desperate, though ineffectual resistance. I have not been able

to procure admission to the apartment occupied by the scientific

gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached my ears when

I stood upon the landing-place outside the door, just now, I should

be disposed to say that the dog had retreated growling beneath some

article of furniture, and was keeping the professors at bay. This

conjecture is confirmed by the testimony of the ostler, who, after

peeping through the keyhole, assures me that he distinctly saw

Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle of prussic

acid, to which the animal, who was crouched beneath an arm-chair,

obstinately declined to smell. You cannot imagine the feverish state

of irritation we are in, lest the interests of science should be

sacrificed to the prejudices of a brute creature, who is not endowed

with sufficient sense to foresee the incalculable benefits which the

whole human race may derive from so very slight a concession on his

part."

"_Nine o'clock._

"The dog's tail and ears have been sent down stairs to be washed; from

which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more. His forelegs

have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which strengthens the

supposition."

"_Half after ten._

"My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in the

course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength to

detail the rapid succession of events which have quite bewildered

all those who are cognizant of their occurrence. It appears that the

pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptitiously obtained,--stolen,

in fact,--by some person attached to the stable department, from an

unmarried lady resident in this town. Frantic on discovering the loss

of her favourite, the lady rushed distractedly into the street, calling

in the most heart-rending and pathetic manner upon the passengers

to restore her, her Augustus,--for so the deceased was named, in

affectionate remembrance of a former lover of his mistress, to whom he

bore a striking personal resemblance, which renders the circumstance

additionally affecting. I am not yet in a condition to inform you

what circumstances induced the bereaved lady to direct her steps to

the hotel which had witnessed the last struggles of her _protegé_. I

can only state that she arrived there, at the very instant when his

detached members were passing through the passage on a small tray.

Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears! I grieve to say that the

expressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched and lacerated

by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besides sustaining

several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair from the same

cause. It must be some consolation to these gentlemen to know that

their ardent attachment to scientific pursuits has alone occasioned

these unpleasant consequences; for which the sympathy of a grateful

country will sufficiently reward them. The unfortunate lady remains

at the Pig and Tinder-box, and up to this time is reported in a very

precarious state.

"I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe has cast

a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration; natural in

any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable qualities of the

deceased animal, who appears to have been much and deservedly respected

by the whole of his acquaintance."

"_Twelve o'clock._

"I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you

that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not dead, as

was universally believed, but alive and well. The report appears to

have had its origin in his mysterious disappearance. He was found half

an hour since on the premises of a sweet-stuff maker, where a raffle

had been announced for a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine;

and where--a sufficient number of members not having been obtained

at first--he had patiently waited until the list was completed.

This fortunate discovery has in some degree restored our gaiety and

cheerfulness. It is proposed to get up a subscription for him without

delay.

"Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will bring forth.

If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I have left strict

directions to be called immediately. I should have sat up, indeed, but

the agitating events of this day have been too much for me.

"No news yet, of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy. It is

very strange!"

"_Wednesday afternoon._

"All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length enabled

to set the minds of your readers at rest. The three professors arrived

at ten minutes after two o'clock, and, instead of taking up their

quarters at the Original Pig, as it was universally understood in the

course of yesterday that they would assuredly have done, drove straight

to the Pig and Tinder-box, where they threw off the mask at once, and

openly announced their intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy _may_

reconcile this very extraordinary conduct with _his_ notions of fair

and equitable dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be

cautious how he presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation. How

such a man as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary,

such an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be

mixed up with such proceedings as these, you will naturally inquire.

Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations, but forbear

to give utterance to them just now."

"_Four o'clock._

"The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bed,

and refused. Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night of

sleeping in the brick-fields, and on the steps of doors, for which

they were taken before the magistrates in a body this morning, and

committed to prison as vagrants for various terms. One of these persons

I understand to be a highly-respectable tinker, of great practical

skill, who had forwarded a paper to the president of Section D.

Mechanical Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms

and safety-valves, of which report speaks highly. The incarceration of

this gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as his absence will preclude

any discussion on the subject.

"The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings are

being secured on almost any terms. I have heard of fifteen shillings

a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance, but I can

scarcely believe it. The excitement is dreadful. I was informed this

morning that the civil authorities, apprehensive of some outbreak of

popular feeling, had commanded a recruiting sergeant and two corporals

to be under arms; and that, with the view of not irritating the people

unnecessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take up

their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about a quarter

of a mile from the town. The vigour and promptness of these measures

cannot be too highly extolled.

"Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, in a

state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intention to

'do' for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns compiled by that gentleman,

relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors in this place,

are supposed to be the cause of the wretch's animosity. It is added,

that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had

assembled on the spot; and that one man had the boldness to designate

Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of 'Stick-in-the-mud!' It is

earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has arrived for their

interference, the magistrates will not shrink from the exercise of

that power which is vested in them by the constitution of our common

country."

"_Half-past ten._

"The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely

quelled, and the ringleader taken into custody. She had a pail of cold

water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and expresses great

contrition and uneasiness. We are all in a fever of anticipation about

to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few hours of the meeting of

the association, and at last enjoy the proud consciousness of having

its illustrious members amongst us, I trust and hope everything may

go off peaceably. I shall send you a full report of to-morrow's

proceedings by the night coach."

"_Eleven o'clock._

"I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since I

folded it up."

"_Thursday._

"The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not observe

anything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, except that

he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of my heightened

fancy) to shine with more than common brilliancy, and to shed a

refulgent lustre upon the town, such as I had never observed before.

This is the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and

the atmosphere peculiarly fine. At half-past nine o'clock the general

committee assembled, with the last year's president in the chair. The

report of the council was read; and one passage, which stated that the

council had corresponded with no less than three thousand five hundred

and seventy-one persons, (all of whom paid their own postage,) on no

fewer than seven thousand two hundred and forty-three topics, was

received with a degree of enthusiasm which no efforts could suppress.

The various committees and sections having been appointed, and the

mere formal business transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting

commenced at eleven o'clock precisely. I had the happiness of occupying

a most eligible position at that time, in

"SECTION A.--ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY.

"GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX.

"PRESIDENT--PROFESSOR SNORE. VICE-PRESIDENTS--PROFESSORS DOZE

AND WHEEZY.

"The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The sun streamed

through the windows of the apartments, and tinted the whole scene with

its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief the noble visages of

the professors and scientific gentlemen, who, some with bald heads,

some with red heads, some with brown heads, some with grey heads, some

with black heads, some with block heads, presented a _coup-d'œil_

which no eye-witness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen

were papers and inkstands; and round the room, on elevated benches

extending as far as the forms could reach, were assembled a brilliant

concourse of those lovely and elegant women for which Mudfog is justly

acknowledged to be without a rival in the whole world. The contrast

between their fair faces and the dark coats and trousers of the

scientific gentlemen I shall never cease to remember while Memory holds

her seat.

"Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by the

falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, the

president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication

entitled, 'Some remarks on the industrious fleas, with considerations

on the importance of establishing infant schools among that numerous

class of society; of directing their industry to useful and practical

ends; and of applying the surplus fruits thereof, towards providing for

them a comfortable and respectable maintenance in their old age.'

"The Author stated, that, having long turned his attention to the moral

and social condition of these interesting animals, he had been induced

to visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London, commonly known by the

designation of 'The Industrious Fleas.' He had there seen many fleas,

occupied certainly in various pursuits and avocations, but occupied, he

was bound to add, in a manner which no man of well-regulated mind could

fail to regard with sorrow and regret. One flea, reduced to the level

of a beast of burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a

particularly small effigy of his Grace the Duke of Wellington; while

another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model of his

great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up as mountebanks

and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he regretted to

observe, that, of the fleas so employed, several were females); others

were in training, in a small card-board box, for pedestrians,--mere

sporting characters--and two were actually engaged in the cold-blooded

and barbarous occupation of duelling; a pursuit from which humanity

recoiled with horror and disgust. He suggested that measures should

be immediately taken to employ the labour of these fleas as part and

parcel of the productive power of the country, which might easily be

done by the establishment among them of infant schools and houses of

industry, in which a system of virtuous education, based upon sound

principles, should be observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated.

He proposed that every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music

or dancing, or any species of theatrical entertainment, without a

licence, should be considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in

which respect he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind.

He would further suggest that their labour should be placed under the

control and regulation of the state, who should set apart from the

profits, a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas,

their widows and orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberal

premiums should be offered for the three best designs for a general

almshouse; from which--as insect architecture was well known to be in a

very advanced and perfect state--we might possibly derive many valuable

hints for the improvement of our metropolitan universities, national

galleries, and other public edifices.

"THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman

proposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first

instance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of the

advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their mode of

life, and applying themselves to honest labour. This appeared to him,

the only difficulty.

"The AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, or

rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. Obviously the

course to be pursued, if her Majesty's government could be prevailed

upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure at a remunerative salary

the individual to whom he had alluded as presiding over the exhibition

in Regent-street at the period of his visit. That gentleman would at

once be able to put himself in communication with the mass of the

fleas, and to instruct them in pursuance of some general plan of

education, to be sanctioned by Parliament, until such time as the more

intelligent among them were advanced enough to officiate as teachers to

the rest.

"The President and several members of the section highly complimented

the author of the paper last read, on his most ingenious and important

treatise. It was determined that the subject should be recommended to

the immediate consideration of the council.

"MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a

chaise-umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial means

than the simple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure.

He explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a new

and delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute, in

principle something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin, was

at once obtained: the stalk of course being kept downwards. He added

that he was perfectly willing to make a descent from a height of not

less than three miles and a quarter; and had in fact already proposed

the same to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in the handsomest

manner at once consented to his wishes, and appointed an early day

next summer for the undertaking; merely stipulating that the rim of

the cauliflower should be previously broken in three or four places to

ensure the safety of the descent.

"THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the _grand gala_ in store

for them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment

alluded to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of

human life, both of which did them the highest honour.

"A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the royal

property would be illuminated with, on the night after the descent.

"MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but he

believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinary illuminations,

to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a half of additional

lamps.

"The Member expressed himself much gratified with this announcement.

"MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and

valuable paper 'on the last moments of the learned pig,' which produced

a very strong impression upon the assembly, the account being compiled

from the personal recollections of his favourite attendant. The account

stated in the most emphatic terms that the animal's name was not Toby,

but Solomon; and distinctly proved that he could have no near relatives

in the profession, as many designing persons had falsely stated,

inasmuch as his father, mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen

victims to the butcher at different times. An uncle of his, indeed, had

with very great labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he

was in a very infirm state at the time, being afflicted with measles,

and shortly afterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason to

conjecture that he had been converted into sausages. The disorder of

the learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, being aggravated

by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and

terminated in a general decay of the constitution. A melancholy

instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of his approaching

dissolution, was recorded. After gratifying a numerous and fashionable

company with his performances, in which no falling-off whatever, was

visible, he fixed his eyes on the biographer, and, turning to the watch

which lay on the floor, and on which he was accustomed to point out the

hour, deliberately passed his snout twice round the dial. In precisely

four-and-twenty hours from that time he had ceased to exist!

"PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, the animal

had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding the disposal

of his little property.

"MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack of

cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted several

times in a significant manner, and nodded his head as he was accustomed

to do, when gratified. From these gestures it was understood that

he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he had ever since

done. He had not expressed any wish relative to his watch, which had

accordingly been pawned by the same individual.

"The PRESIDENT wished to know whether any member of the section had

ever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported to

have worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a

golden trough.

"After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady was his

mother-in-law, and that he trusted the president would not violate the

sanctity of private life.

"The PRESIDENT begged pardon. He had considered the pig-faced lady a

public character. Would the honourable member object to state, with

a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any way

connected with the learned pig?

"The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question

appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his

half-brother, he must decline answering it.

"SECTION B.--ANATOMY AND MEDICINE.

"COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX.

"PRESIDENT--DR. TOORELL. VICE-PRESIDENTS--PROFESSORS MUFF AND NOGO.

"DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case

which had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative

of the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful treatment

of a virulent disorder. He had been called in to visit the patient on

the 1st of April 1837. He was then labouring under symptoms peculiarly

alarming to any medical man. His frame was stout and muscular, his

step firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his

appetite good, his pulse full and round. He was in the constant habit

of eating three meals _per diem_, and of drinking at least one bottle

of wine, and one glass of spirituous liquors diluted with water, in

the course of the four-and-twenty hours. He laughed constantly, and

in so hearty a manner that it was terrible to hear him. By dint of

powerful medicine, low diet, and bleeding, the symptoms in the course

of three days perceptibly decreased. A rigid perseverance in the same

course of treatment for only one week, accompanied with small doses

of water-gruel, weak broth, and barley-water, led to their entire

disappearance. In the course of a month he was sufficiently recovered

to be carried down stairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a

close carriage, supported by soft pillows. At the present moment he

was restored so far as to walk about, with the slight assistance of

a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be gratifying to the section to

learn that he ate little, drank little, slept little, and was never

heard to laugh by any accident whatever.

"DR. W.R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon the

triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient

still bled freely?

"DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative.

"DR. W.R. FEE.--And you found that he bled freely during the whole

course of the disorder?

"DR. KUTANKUMAGEN.--Oh dear, yes; most freely.

"DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to

be bled with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a

cure could never, in fact, have been accomplished. Dr. Kutankumagen

rejoined, certainly not.

"MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the

interior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently swallowed

a door-key. It was a curious fact that a medical student of dissipated

habits, being present at the _post mortem_ examination, found means

to escape unobserved from the room, with that portion of the coats of

the stomach upon which an exact model of the instrument was distinctly

impressed, with which he hastened to a locksmith of doubtful character,

who made a new key from the pattern so shown to him. With this key

the medical student entered the house of the deceased gentleman, and

committed a burglary to a large amount, for which he was subsequently

tried and executed.