Large numbers of tripp--visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town
from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. The
lodging-house keepers also derive considerable benefit from their (the
visitors') small change, especially when left lying about on the
mantelpiece. No one could complain of dulness here now, for as I write,
twenty-three barrel-organs, eleven troupes of nigger minstrels and four
blind beggars with fiddles are amusing and delighting their listeners on
the sands. The place is thoroughly lively, hardly an hour of the day
passing without at least two street rows between inebriated
excursionists taking place. The police force has been doubled, and the
magistrates have given notice that, for the future, they will give no
"option," and that all sentences for assaults in the streets will be
with hard labour.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PHILOLOGICAL.--_First English Groom_ (_new to Paris_).
"And the French gent as he drives round the corner, he pulls up quick,
and calls out 'Woa!'"
_Second ditto_ (_who has been in Paris some time_). "He couldn't have
said _'Woa!'_ as there ain't no 'W' in French."
_First ditto._ "No 'W' in French? Then 'ow d'yer spell 'wee'?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Alarming appearance of a harmless guana just as he has
found a nice corner of Sydney Harbour for a sketch.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Mr. Townmouse takes lodgings for his family at a
farmhouse in a remote district. Delightful spot; but they weren't so
well off for butcher's meat as they could wish.
_Farmer._ "Now, if your lady 'ud like some nice pork--Oh! she does like
pork?--Well, then, we shall kill a pig the week arter next."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A NICE PROSPECT.--_Traveller_ (_benighted in the Black
Country_). "Not a bed-room disengaged! Tut-t-t-t!"
_Landlady_ (_who is evidently in the coal business as well_). "Oh, we'll
accommodate you somehow, sir, if me and my 'usband gives you up our own
bed, sir!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--_Professor
Chatterleigh._ "By George! I'm so hungry I can't _talk!_"
_Fair Hostess_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AESTHETICS
_Indiscreet Sister._ "Why, Harry, your legs are getting more
_Chippendale_ than ever!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE JOYS OF TOURING
_Traveller._ "I say, your razor's pulling most confoundedly!"
_Local Torturer._ "Be it, zur? Wull, 'old on tight to the chair, an'
we'll get it off zummow!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: CHEERING.--_First Artist_ (_on a pedestrian tour_). "Can
you tell which is the best inn in Baconhurst?"
_Rustic_ (_bewildered_). "Dunno."
_Second Artist_ (_tired_). "But we can get beds there, I suppose? Where
do travellers generally go?"
_Rustic._ "Go to the union moostly!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MIND AND MATTER-OF-FACT
_Cotton-Man_ (_fro' Shoddydale_). "What dun yo' co' that wayter?"
_Coachman._ "Ah, ain't it beautiful? That's Grassmere Lake, that is----"
_Cotton-Man._ "Yo' co'n 'um all la-akes an' meres i' these pa-arts. We
co'n 'um rezzer-voyers where ah com' fro'!!"]
* * * * *
Would the epigrammatic translation of "_sede vacanti_" as "Not well and
gone away for a holiday" be accepted by an examiner?
* * * * *
WINTER RESORT FOR BRONCHIALLY-AFFECTED PERSONS.--Corfe Castle.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but
you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."
_Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi
must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_
mister?"]
* * * * *
TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of
'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent
point de Suisse."_
* * * * *
SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short,
sharp grunts._
_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in
its cabin!
* * * * *
WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to
gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow
passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh!
Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water
bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and
prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_).
Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how
inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).
_Lady._ Not at all, my dear sir. _It's a roast partridge, cold, for
lunch._
[_Collapse of Enthusiast._
* * * * *
UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad Gastein._
Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.
* * * * *
ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES.--Pullman dining cars.
* * * * *
THE LINE WHICH IS OFTEN DRAWN.--The Equator.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THOROUGH BUT NOT PEDANTIC. (_Overheard at the
Louvre._)--_American Tourist_ (_suspiciously_). "Say, guide, haven't we
seen this room before?"
_Guide._ "Oh no, monsieur."
_Tourist._ "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want
to see anything twice!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.--_Captain Brown_ (_narrating his
trip to the Continent_). "Then, of course, we ran down to Granada, and
saw the Alhambra----"
_Captain Jinks_ (_untravelled athlete_). "No!! What, have they got one
there too!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FILIAL ANXIETY. "Going to Paris to-morrow, Tom!"
"How's that?"
"My poor old governor's taken ill there!"
"Going by Dieppe or Boulogne?"
"Rather think I shall go _via Monaco_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OVERDOING IT
_Sympathiser._ "Sorry you look so seedy after your holiday, old chap!"
_Too Energetic Sight-seer._ "Well, I am a bit done up, but the doctor
says that with rest and great care I may be well enough to have a
run-round as usual next year."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Gushing Young Lady_ (_to Mr. Dunk, who has just returned
from Rome_). "They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for
the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of
ruined grandeur, the magnificent associations, seem too much for one to
grasp. Tell me, oh tell me, Mr. Dunk, what did _you_ think of it all?"
_Mr. Dunk_ (_deliberately, after considering awhile_). "_Very_ nice!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Carry your trunk, sir?"]
* * * * *
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
were beastly rude.
_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
French beans.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE]
* * * * *