(_With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"_)
A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and
walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington,
Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to
Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the
great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number
of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a
few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.
_Route of Ramble._--Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much
reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local
railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left
(as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a
north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until
Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows
and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the
right bank of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow
the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far
as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the
best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump.
Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left
twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you
are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are
incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place
the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not
public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through.
Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the
distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or
other purposes.
_Length of Ramble._--Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.
* * * * *
MISS-GUIDED FOLKS IN PARIS.--Evidently those who are personally
conducted by "Lady Guides."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "BY THE CARD"
_Pedestrian._ "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"
_Boy._ "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are
agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo
t'other way!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Traveller._ "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"
_Hodge_ (_who stutters frightfully_). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take
the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep
straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better
be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I
can t-t-t-tell you!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED
_Constance_ (_adding the last straw_). "There, darling! I hope I've
forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, _much_ pleasanter to carry
our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid
servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES
_Excursionist_ (_politely_). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way
to Slagley?"
_Powerful Navvy._ "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"
_[Excursionist retires hastily._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: ON THE COLONIAL TOUR
_Famous Pianist._ "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just
have half an inch cut off--just round the nape of my neck you know. Just
_thinned_ a little----"
_His Agent._ "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the
agreement--'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia
is over'!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY
_British Tourist_ (_who has been served with a pig's foot_). "What's
this? I ordered quail!"
_Negro Waiter._ "Wall--y'ev got quail!"
_British Tourist._ "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"
_Negro Waiter._ "_Not here!_"]
* * * * *