"Whaur are gaun crawlin' ferlie,
Your impudence protects ye sairly."
Burns.
I was idly sauntering along the only street in Simon's Town one fine day
in June, when I met my little, fat, good-humoured friend, Paymaster
Pumpkin. He was walking at an enormous pace for the length of his legs,
and his round face was redder than ever. He would hardly stop to tell
me that H.M.S. _Vesuvius_ was ordered off in two hours--provisions for a
thousand men--the Kaffirs (scoundrels) had crossed some river (name
unpronounceable) with an army of one hundred thousand men, and were on
their way to Cape Town, with the murderous intention of breaking every
human bone in that fair town, and probably picking them leisurely
afterwards. The upshot of all this, as far as I was concerned, was my
being appointed to as pretty a model, and as dirty a little craft, as
there was in the service, namely, H.M.S. _Pen-gun_. Our armament
consisted of four pea-shooters and one Mons Meg; and our orders were to
repair to the east coast of Africa, and there pillage, burn, and destroy
every floating thing that dared to carry a slave, without permission
from Britannia's queen. Of our adventures there, and how we ruled the
waves, I am at present going to say nothing. I took up my commission as
surgeon of this interesting craft, and we soon after sailed.
On first stepping on board the _Pen-gun_, a task which was by no means
difficult to a person with legs of even moderate length, my nose--yes,
my nose--that interesting portion of my physiognomy, which for months
before had inhaled nothing more nauseous than the perfume of a thousand
heaths, or the odour of a thousand roses--my nose was assailed by a
smell which burst upon my astonished senses, like a compound of
asafoetida, turpentine, and Stilton cheese. As I gasped for breath, the
lieutenant in command endeavoured to console me by saying--"Oh, it's
only the cockroaches: you'll get used to it by-and-by."
"_Only_ the cockroaches!" repeated I to myself, as I went below to look
after my cabin. This last I found to be of the following dimensions--
namely, five feet high (I am five feet ten), six feet long, and six feet
broad at the top; but, owing to the curve of the vessel's side, only two
feet broad at the deck. A cot hung fore and aft along the ship's side,
and the remaining furniture consisted of a doll's chest of drawers,
beautifully fitted up on top with a contrivance to hold utensils of
lavation, and a Liliputian writing-table on the other; thus diminishing
my available space to two square feet, and this in a break-neck
position. My cot, too, was very conveniently placed for receiving the
water which trickled freely from my scuttle when the wind blew, and more
slowly when the wind didn't; so that every night, very much against my
will, I was put under the operations of practical hydropathy. And this
was my _sanctum, sanctorum_; but had it been clean, or capable of
cleaning, I am a philosopher, and would have rejoiced in it; but it was
neither; and ugh! it was inhabited.
Being what is termed in medical parlance, of the nervo-sanguineous
temperament, my horror of the loathsome things about me for the first
week almost drove me into a fever. I could not sleep at night, or if I
fell into an uneasy slumber, I was awakened from fearful dreams, to find
some horrid thing creeping or running over my hands or face. When a
little boy, I used to be fond of turning up stones in green meadows, to
feast my eyes upon the many creeping things beneath. I felt now as if I
myself were living _under_ a stone. However, after a year's
slaver-hunting, I got so used to all these creatures, that I did not
mind them a bit. I could crack scorpions, bruise the heads of
centipedes, laugh at earwigs, be delighted with ants, eat weevils,
admire tarantulas, encourage spiders. As for mosquitoes, flies, and all
the smaller genera, I had long since been thoroughly inoculated; and
they could now bleed me as much as they thought proper, without my being
aware of it. It is of the habits of some of these familiar friends I
purpose giving a short sketch in this chapter and next.
Of the "gentlemen of England who live at home at ease," very few, I
suspect, would know a cockroach, although they found the animal in their
soap--as I have done more than once. Cockroaches are of two principal
kinds--the small, nearly an inch long; and the large, nearly two and a
half inches. Let the reader fancy to himself a common horsefly of our
own country, half an inch in breadth, and of the length just stated, the
body, ending in two forks, which project beyond the wings, the head,
furnished with powerful mandibles, and two feelers, nearly four inches
long, and the whole body of a dark-brown or gun-barrel colour, and he
will have as good an idea as possible of the gigantic cockroach. The
legs are of enormous size and strength, taking from fifteen to twenty
ants to carry one away, and furnished with bristles, which pierce the
skin in their passage over one's face; and this sensation, together with
the horrid smell they emit, is generally sufficient to awaken a sleeper
of moderate depth. On these legs the animal squats, walking with his
elbows spread out, like a practical agriculturist writing an amatory
epistle to his lady-love, except when he raises the fore part of his
body, which he does at times, in order the more conveniently to stare
you in the face. He prefers walking at a slow and respectable pace; but
if you threaten him by shaking your finger at him, it is very funny to
see how quickly he takes the hint, and hurries off with all his might.
What makes him seem more ridiculous is, that he does not appear to take
into consideration the comparative length of your legs; he seems
impressed with the idea that he can easily run away from you; indeed, I
have no doubt he would do so from a greyhound. The creature is
possessed of large eyes; and there is a funny expression of conscious
guilt and impudence about his angular face which is very amusing; he
knows very well that he lives under a ban--that, in fact, existence is a
thing he has no business or lawful right with, and consequently he can
never look you straight in the face, like an honest fly or moth. The
eggs, which are nearly half an inch long, and about one-eighth in
breadth, are rounded at the upper edge, and the two sides approach,
wedge-like, to form the lower edge, which is sharp and serrated, for
attachment to the substance on which they may chance to be deposited.
These eggs are attached by one end to the body of the cockroach; and
when fully formed, they are placed upon any material which the wisdom of
the mother deems fit food for the youthful inmates. This may be either
a dress-coat, a cocked-hat, a cork, a biscuit, or a book--in fact,
anything softer than stone; and the egg is no sooner laid, than it
begins to sink through the substance below it, by an eating or
dissolving process, which is probably due to the agency of some free
acid; thus, sailors very often (I may say invariably) have their finest
uniform-coats and dress-pants ornamented by numerous little holes,
better adapted for purposes of ventilation than embellishment. The
interior of the egg is transversely divided into numerous cells, each
containing the larvae of I know not how many infant cockroaches. The
egg gives birth in a few weeks to a whole brood of triangular little
insects, which gradually increase till they attain the size of huge oval
beetles, striped transversely black and brown, but as yet minus wings.
These are usually considered a different species, and called the
beetle-cockroach; but having a suspicion of the truth, I one day
imprisoned one of these in a crystal tumbler, and by-and-by had the
satisfaction of seeing, first the beetle break his own back, and
secondly, a large-winged cockroach scramble, with a little difficulty,
through the wound, looking rather out of breath from the exertion. On
first escaping, he was perfectly white, but in a few hours got
photographed down to his own humble brown colour. So much for the
appearance of these gentry. Now for their character, which may easily
be summed up: they are cunning as the fox; greedy as the glutton;
impudent as sin; cruel, treacherous, cowardly scoundrels; addicted to
drinking; arrant thieves; and not only eat each other, but even devour
with avidity their own legs, when they undergo accidental amputation.
They are very fond of eating the toe-nails--so fond, indeed, as to
render the nail-scissors of no value, and they also profess a penchant
for the epidermis--if I may be allowed a professional expression--of the
feet and legs; not that they object to the skin of any other part of the
body, by no means; they attack the legs merely on a principle of easy
come-at-ability.
In no way is their cunning better exhibited than in the cautious and
wary manner in which they conduct their attack upon a sleeper. We will
suppose you have turned in to your swinging cot, tucked in your toes,
and left one arm uncovered, to guard your face. By-and-by, first a few
spies creep slowly up the bulkhead, and have a look at you: if your eyes
are open, they slowly retire, trying to look as much at their ease as
possible; but if you look round, they run off with such ridiculous haste
and awkward length of steps, as to warrant the assurance that they were
up to no good. Pretend, however, to close your eyes, and soon after,
one, bolder than the rest, walks down the pillow, and stations himself
at your cheek, in an attitude of silent and listening meditation. Here
he stands for a few seconds, then cautiously lowering one feeler, he
tickles your face: if you remain quiescent, the experiment is soon
repeated; if you are still quiet, then you are supposed to be asleep,
and the work of the night begins. The spy walks off in great haste, and
soon returns with the working-party. The hair is now searched for drops
of oil; the ear is examined for wax; in sound sleepers, even the mouth
undergoes scrutiny; and every exposed part is put under the operation of
gentle skinning. Now is the time to start up, and batter the bulkheads
with your slipper; you are sure of half an hour's good sport; but what
then? The noise made by the brutes running off brings out the rest, and
before you are aware, every crevice or corner vomits forth its
thousands, and the bulkheads all around are covered with racing,
chasing, fighting, squabbling cockroaches. So numerous, indeed, they
are at times, that it would be no exaggeration to say that every square
foot contains its dozen. If you are wise, you will let them alone, and
go quietly and philosophically to bed, for you may kill hundreds, and
hundreds more will come to the funeral-feast. Cockroaches are
cannibals, practically and by profession. This can be proved in many
ways. They eat the dead bodies of their slain comrades; and if any one
of them gets sick or wounded, his companions, with a kindness and
consideration which cannot be too highly appreciated, speedily put him
out of pain, and, by way of reward for their own trouble, devour him.
These creatures seem to suffer from a state of chronic thirst; they are
continually going and returning from the wash-hand basin, and very
careful they are, too, not to tumble in.
They watch, sailor-like, the motion of the vessel; when the water flows
towards them, they take a few sips, and then wait cautiously while it
recedes and returns. Yet, for all this caution, accidents do happen,
and every morning you are certain to find a large number drowned in the
basin. This forms one of the many methods of catching them. I will
only mention two other methods in common use. A pickle-bottle,
containing a little sugar and water, is placed in the cabin; the animals
crawl in, but are unable to get out until the bottle is nearly full,
when a few manage to escape, after the manner of the fox in the fable of
the "Fox and Goat in the Well;" and if those who thus escape have
previously promised to pull their friends out by the long feelers, they
very unfeelingly decline, and walk away as quickly as possible, sadder
and wiser 'roaches. When the bottle is at length filled, it finds its
way overboard. Another method is adopted in some ships--the boys have
to muster every morning with a certain number of cockroaches; if they
have more, they are rewarded; if less, punished. I have heard of
vessels being fumigated, or sunk in harbour; but in these cases the
number of dead cockroaches, fast decaying in tropical weather, generally
causes fever to break out in the ship; so that, if a vessel once gets
overrun with them, nothing short of dry-docking and taking to pieces
does any good.
They are decided drunkards. I think they prefer brandy; but they are
not difficult to please, and generally prefer whatever they can get.
When a cockroach gets drunk, he becomes very lively indeed, runs about,
flaps his wings, and tries to fly--a mode of progression which, except
in very hot weather, they are unable to perform. Again and again he
returns to the liquor, till at last he falls asleep, and by-and-by
awakes, and, no doubt filled with remorse at having fallen a victim to
so human a weakness, rushes frantically away, and in trying to drink,
usually drowns himself.
But although the cockroach is, in general, the bloodthirsty and
vindictive being that I have described, still he is by no means
unsociable, and _has_ his times and seasons of merriment and recreation.
On these occasions, the 'roaches emerge from their hiding-places in
thousands at some preconcerted signal, perform a reel, or rather an
acute-angled, spherically-trigonometrical quadrille, to the music of
their own buzz, and evidently to their own intense satisfaction. This
queer dance occupies two or three minutes, after which the patter of
their little feet is heard no more, the buzz and the bum-m-m are hushed;
they have gone to their respective places of abode, and are seen no more
for that time. This usually takes place on the evening of a very hot
day--a day when pitch has boiled on deck, and the thermometer below has
stood persistently above ninety degrees. When the lamps are lit in the
wardroom, and the officers have gathered round the table for a quiet
rubber at whist, then is heard all about and around you a noise like the
rushing of many waters, or the wind among the forest-trees; and on
looking up, you find the bulkheads black, or rather brown, with the
rustling wretches, while dozens go whirring past you, alight on your
head, or fly right in your face.
This is a cockroaches' ball, which, if not so brilliant as the butterfly
ball of my early recollections, I have no doubt is considered by
themselves as very amusing and highly respectable.
The reader will readily admit that the character of "greedy as gluttons"
has not been misapplied when I state that it would be an easier task to
tell what they did _not_ eat, than what they _did_.
While they partake largely of the common articles of diet in the ship's
stores, they also rather like books, clothes, boots, soap, and corks.
They are also partial to lucifer-matches, and consider the edges of
razors and amputating-knives delicate eating. [Note 1.] As to drink,
these animals exhibit the same impartiality. Probably they _do_ prefer
wines and spirits, but they can nevertheless drink beer with relish, and
even suit themselves to circumstances, and imbibe water, either pure or
mixed with soap; and if they cannot obtain wine, they find in ink a very
good substitute. Cockroaches, I should think, are by no means exempt
from the numerous ills that flesh is heir to, and must at times, like
human epicures and gourmands, suffer dreadfully from rheums and
dyspepsia; for to what else can I attribute their extreme partiality for
medicine? "Every man his own doctor," seems to be _their_ motto; and
they appear to attach no other meaning to the word "surgeon" than simply
something to eat: I speak by experience. As to physic, nothing seems to
come wrong to them. If patients on shore were only half as fond of
pills and draughts, I, for one, should never go to sea. As to powders,
they invariably roll themselves bodily in them; and tinctures they sip
all day long. Blistering-plaster seems a patent nostrum, which they
take internally, for they managed to use up two ounces of mine in as
many weeks, and I have no doubt it warmed their insides. I one night
left a dozen blue pills carelessly exposed on my little table; soon
after I had turned in, I observed the box surrounded by them, and being
too lazy to get up, I had to submit to see my pills walked off with in a
very few minutes by a dozen 'roaches, each one carrying a pill. I
politely informed them that there was more than a dose for an adult
cockroach in each of these pills; but I rather think they did not heed
the caution, for next morning, the deck of my little cabin was strewed
with the dead and dying, some exhibiting all the symptoms of an advanced
stage of mercurial salivation, and some still swallowing little morsels
of pill, no doubt on the principle of _similia similibus curantur_, from
which I argue that cockroaches are homoeopathists.
That cockroaches are cowards, no one, I suppose, will think of
disputing.
I have seen a gigantic cockroach run away from an ant, under the
impression, I suppose, that the little creature meant to swallow him
alive.
The smaller-sized cockroach differs merely in size and some unimportant
particulars from that just described, and possesses in a less degree all
the vices of his big brother. They, too, are cannibals; but they prefer
to prey upon the large one, which they kill and eat when they find
wounded. For example, one very hot day, I was enjoying the luxury of a
bath at noon, when a large cockroach alighted in great hurry on the edge
of my bath, and began to drink, without saying "By your leave," or
"Good-morning to you."
Now, being by nature of a kind disposition, I certainly should never
have refused to allow the creature to quench his thirst in my bath--
although I would undoubtedly have killed him afterwards--had he not, in
his hurried flight over me, touched my shoulder with his nasty wings,
and left thereon his peculiar perfume.
This very naturally incensed me, so seizing a book, with an
interjectional remark on his impudence, I struck him to the deck, when
he lay to all appearance, dead; so, at least, thought a wily little
'roach of the small genus, that had been watching the whole affair at
the mouth of his hole, and determined to seize his gigantic relative,
and have a feast at his expense; so, with this praiseworthy intention,
the imp marched boldly up to him, pausing just one second, as if to make
sure that life was extinct; then, seeing no movement or sign of life
evinced by the giant, he very pompously seized him by the fore-leg, and,
turning round, commenced dragging his burden towards a hole, no doubt
inwardly chuckling at the anticipation of so glorious a supper.
Unfortunately for the dwarfs hopes, however, the giant now began to
revive from the effects of concussion of the brain, into which state my
rough treatment had sent him; and his ideas of his whereabouts being
rather confused, at the same time feeling himself moving, he very
naturally and instinctively began to help himself to follow, by means of
his disengaged extremities. Being as yet unaware of what had happened
behind, the heart of the little gentleman in front swelled big with
conscious pride and dignity, at the thought of what a strong little
'roach he was, and how easily he could drag away his big relative.
But this new and sudden access of strength began presently to astonish
the little creature itself, for, aided by the giant's movements, it
could now almost run with its burden, and guessing, I suppose, that
everything was not as it ought to be, it peeped over its shoulder to
see. Fancy, if you can, the terror and affright of the pigmy on seeing
the monster creeping stealthily after it. "What had it been doing? How
madly it had been acting!" Dropping its relative's leg, it turned, and
fairly _ran_, helping itself along with its wings, like a barn-door fowl
whose wits have been scared away by fright, and never looked once back
till fairly free from its terrible adventure; and I have no doubt it was
very glad at having discovered its mistake in time, since otherwise the
tables might have been turned, and the supper business reversed.
So much for cockroaches, and I ought probably to apologise for my
description of these gentry being so realistic and graphic. If I ought
to, I do.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note 1. It is probable that the edges of razors, etc, are destroyed by
a sort of acid deposited there by the cockroaches, similar to that which
exudes from the egg; however, there is no gainsaying the fact.