BERLIN, _September 3d, 187-._
TO M. HOLLYDORF, _Director of the Animalculan Corps of the R. H. B.
Society, at present conducting their explorations in the newly
discovered city of Heraclea Doweri, in the country of the wild hordes in
the Andean region of La Plata._—Greeting, in behalf of our patrons and
members of the Society, with personal congratulations! Wonder and
surprised amazement are terms of too weak invention to express the
emotional excitement caused by your letter of discovery, which reached
us with unaccountable despatch. The introduction,—although conducted
with consummate skill, that our credulity might not be overstrained by
the relation of concurring events in a manner too abrupt,—was of a
character so startling that our mouths unconsciously retained the smoke
of our pipes, to be emitted in the full volume of accumulation with an
involumed sigh of relief, when impressed with the conviction of your
sanity. It appears from your relation, that your progress was attended
by concurrent events of the most surprising description, which by a
conjunction of circumstances, when subject to opposition, were readily
overcome, with an effect that tended to the final development of the
Animalculan race of humanity. The train with the slightest descriptive
discrepancy would have consigned your letter to the basket as a maniacal
production. As it was, with the first announcement, all eyes became
fixed upon the reader in mute astonishment, too deeply impressed for
skeptical thought, or incredulous comparison; the valves of respiratory
emotion continued closed to voluntary exercise, with singular endurance,
until the last sentence of your letter opened their vent with a
prolonged whe-w accompanied with a volume of condensed smoke
commensurate with the capacity of each member for marvelous inflation.
Before proceeding to the theoretical discussion, and precedental
comparison of your revelations with those of past ages, the members
indulged in a variety of extra-scientific ejaculations decidedly foreign
to your Manatitlan code of educational ethics.
In discursive consultation after the members had become sufficiently
restored for the exercise of their wonted mental equilibrium, by
potations obnoxious to the cultivated habits of your exemplars, the
discovery was subjected to an analytico-cosmogenerical evolution of
ideas. During the discussion a variety of theories were advanced by the
prominent members, embracing involution and evolution, to account for
the infinitesimal size of the Animalculan race of humanity, and causes
of reduction. Some advocated psychological condensation of the souls of
our race after death, the degrees of perfection being indicated by the
gradations of size distinguishing the castes of giantesco, medium, and
tit. Others that they were the concentrated essences of our human
vitality in happy translation exonerated from the corruptions of organic
support. But a majority were inclined to subject you and your associates
to a thorough test upon the score of optical illusion; a few, however,
contended that you were subject to necromantic agency. In fact, your
mental and physical condition was analyzed with the nicest tests of
scrutiny that could be brought to bear from the manifestations developed
in the composition of your letter. From the extremes of experience, and
extensive resources of the members for tracing the influences of
climate, with the moral effect of the eventful transitions through which
you passed, they soon arrived at the definite conclusion that your
discoveries were legitimately compatible with a sound mind,
notwithstanding the precedental lack of parallel examples for
comparison. But before final adoption, the effects likely to be wrought
in mental, moral, and theological philosophy were elaborately discussed.
But from a lack of data to establish the fact of their complete and
separate existence as a race, or whether they are representative soul
iotas of our own race undergoing the process of refinement, the question
was held in suspension for the bias of well attested information. The
discovery, however, was unanimously indorsed as an unprecedented matter
of fact, tangible to your own and the initiated senses of your
associates, and in no way improbable, although reduced to the extreme
limits of believing divisibility.
From the insatiable desire of your personal friends, and the few court
magnates admitted to the secret, to see and read your letter, in proof
of the reality of the discovery, it has become extremely dilapidated;
besides, the encroachments of memento clippings have in some parts
reached the text. From the almost realized probability of its becoming
illegible it is the general wish of the members, expressed in a series
of resolutions, that you should retain the duplicate to be filed in the
recorded transactions of the Society on your return. Of this you may be
sure, from the reverence bestowed upon the one received, in after years
it will be esteemed as a relic of attraction sufficient for the
liquidation of any emergency to which the Society may become subject
from revolution or invasion. By the adoption of this advisable
precaution the discovery will be preserved for the perpetual honor and
benefit of the Society, as an index of its preëminent claims above those
of rival societies and associations in foreign countries. We shall not
for the future presume to offer you advice for the direction of your
investigations, but in your next communication the Society would be
pleased to learn from the Manatitlan naturalists the number and species
of the Giga animals that are at present represented in Animalculan life.
If your researches have developed other racial peculiarities in the
interim they will serve as a digestive stimulant to the doubtful.
The society has elected, by a unanimous vote, Mr. Welson, Mr. Dow, and
Captain Greenwood, corresponding members, and the Padre Simon, Jack, and
Bill (you neglected to write the names of the last mentioned in full),
honorary fellows. This is a step toward liberalism quite unprecedented
in the annals of the Society. Their election, however, was held as a
politic necessity to prevent them from advancing claims of priority
under the patronage of foreign societies, as Prussia now intends to
maintain her position as a—if not the—leading nation of Europe, which
the reputation of her Krupp’s cannon have gained. I am recommended to
hint the necessity of precaution in keeping watch over their movements,
lest by surreptitious publication of the discovery, the honors of the
Society dependent upon priority might be imperiled. Your personal
friends send three household tympano-microscopes, suited for dining-room
entertainment and post-prandial speeches. Herr Dollynitzen, the eminent
toy architect, to whom the discovery was communicated as a state secret,
has exercised his utmost skill in the erection and adornment of the
palaces intended for the Manatitlan Dosch and his advisors; also in the
arrangement of the Court suites for the production of magnificent
effects. The appointments of the lesser buildings and accommodations for
attache’s attendants, are in admirable keeping with the grandeur of the
design. The buildings are supplied with all the modern improvements and
appliances for the distribution of gas and water, for illumination and
lavatory purposes. The brewery, stables, and distillery, are without the
chief inclosure in the rear. The punch bowls, bier glasses, and state
table service of plate, if found too cumbersome for use, will serve as
monuments for the memorial attestation of our artistic skill. In fact,
you will be surprised with the skill exhibited in the accomplishment of
the undertaking, in all that appertains to durability and finished
taste, when you consider the short space of time allowed for its
completion. Imperial majesty, and the prince of diplomats, have promised
to find time to offer you their autographical greetings for the honors
you have conferred upon the crown by your important discoveries, which
will be sanctioned in acceptance with the double approval of our august
bird of prey, as token of recognized merit.
Yours truly,
Per order of the R. H. B. Society,
BUGWITZS, _Sec_.
N. B. (Entre nous.) If you can send us (liberals) a codified formula of
the Manatitlan system of education (under cover to me), it might be used
as a reformatory basis for a revolutionary movement to effect the rescue
of governmental power from the arbitrary sway of the legitimate few.
Anything new, with the reputation of an experienced trial of six or
seven thousand years, would serve as a subject for public speaking and
talk; for as the Manatitlans say, the liberal and radical democracy of
our race are attracted by the sonorous bellowings of the physically
strong lunged leaders of herd, and amused in dalliance with the softly
toned melody of the lowing kine. B.
* * * * *
M. Hollydorf, after reading the secretary’s letter, would have
suppressed the autographic missive; but the Dosch called his attention
to it,—laughingly adding, that he had been advised of the contents by a
third party, who was present during the process of dictation. Observing
the flush that mounted to M. Hollydorf’s face, he said, “I perceive that
our system of espionage is not fully sanctioned by your thoughts. But as
our object is devoid of instinctive curiosity and malice, and solely
devoted to the emancipation of your race from the impositions of
selfishness, you will upon mature consideration approve of our course.
We are fully aware of the difficulty you experience in divesting
yourselves of the reverential awe inspired by the sounding appellations
of king, emperor, prince, and other titles bestowed for self-gratulation
in the flights of vanity. But if you will analyze the charter privileges
conferred with these vapory titles, you will find that patents of
nobility are the real talons of your standard emblem of nationality,
which allows the grantee to become a participator with the imperial or
kingly beak, in rending the spoils of oppression. In truth, the whole
structure of your mythological and classical literature, upon which the
anointed supremacy of kingly and noble power rests, is as vague and
shadowy in its reflection, as a source of awe, as the sun photograph of
an ass’s ears upon the ground for the intimidation of their owner.
“The privileged follies of the upper ranks, rather than their wisdom,
is, from the contrasted meanness of self, the instinctive cause of
reverential fear with the poverty stricken. The man who will accept the
direction of others, when obliged to dissemble his own follies, not only
contravenes the manifest indications of Creative intention, but demeans
the natural honesty of his instinct below brute capacity. It is also
equally evident that a man who will not deal honestly with himself, is
not only unworthy, but will betray the trust reposed in him by others,
and as an apostate to his human privilege demeans his instinct as far
below the reach of the lower orders as his capabilities are above. With
this class, who ape the privilege of ruling others when lacking the will
for self-control, our espionage is no treason, but the study of
instinct, devoted to selfish gratification, in search of means for
emancipation. The craft of the diplomat, whose foxy instinct endeavors
to fix the incentive stigma of a causeless war upon neighboring nations,
as the precursor of slaughtered millions, for the absorption of coveted
territory, should prove a source of reprobation, rather than praise, to
the peaceful perceptions of instinct.”
In illustration of the covetous nature of the letter, which from the
patriotic sympathy of shame you would withhold, we will state from the
basis of auramental experience, that the victory of Germany over her
Gallic neighbor, who lacked the leading energies of a man capable of
controlling with inspired confidence her armies, will prove far worse
than a defeat for the continued prosperity of the country. This is
especially evident to our perceptions, as it has stimulated the policy
of preparing the means while lying in wait for a pretext to absorb the
coveted northern seaboard, under the present national control of
Belgium, Holland, Denmark, and Russia. Flattered by the prestige she has
gained from consolidation, she forgets that her Gallic achievement was
solely dependent upon fortuitous circumstances. With a mind capable of
commanding unity of action, France would prove more than her equal in
the battle field, of which the elder Bonaparte gave evidence in
controlling the powers of Europe. You will perceive by the tendency of
this prelude that we are fully prepared for the propositions contained
in your autographic letter, which will of itself attest to our
protective right of espionage, and will render it:—
KAISERLANT, _Aug._, 187-.
MY DEAR HOLLYDORF, you will be pleased to hear that we hold the French
disposition still handsomely in check, by fomentations skillfully
applied by our prince of diplomats. But his mind is too expansive for
the frivolity of cultivating the natural mushroom tendency of the Celt
for intestine irruption. More anon! we have a conception in the womb of
the future! Your discovery is truly astonishing! Many of the scientific
scarcely credit it! Why not? It’s easy to believe if you only think so.
A glance at Alsace and Lorraine for instance. Will the Manatitlans
acknowledge fealty to Prussia in recognition of our rights of priority?
Push the Dosch gently on the subject. It will be of advantage to the
Dosch to subscribe for our protection, as we shall soon assume the
leading role of Europe, which England can’t gainsay. You are authorized
to act as our vice-imperator for the execution of a protectorate
annexation. In case of obduracy how large a force of our veterans would
you require for their subjugation? Answer in your next. The prince
advises expectant treatment, with such placebos as your better knowledge
of the characteristics of their blind side may suggest. As the
giantescoes could be made especially useful in diplomacy and warlike
operations, which with our progressive enterprise may soon occur, the
enlistment of two or more corps would enable us to anticipate the moves
of the enemy. The prince thinks it advisable to enlist a corps that
understands the French language, as we are obliged to keep a sharp eye
in that direction. We have also thought it advisable to keep the
discovery a secret among ourselves for the present. Ask the Dosch if he
can approximate in calculation the number of our animalculan subjects in
Prussia, and learn where their chief cities are located! Would it not be
well to have an animalculan survey of the empire, under Manatitlan
engineers, for its topographical division into departments? You have, by
the advice of the prince, been enrolled as a candidate for the honors of
knighthood, and will hereafter be designated as the Count Palatine of
Heraclea, and Viceroy of Manatitla. The king herald of the royal
commandery only awaits the transmission of their national escutcheons
for incorporation with the Prussian, and quarterings of your family,
before the announcement of your full investment and title will be
proclaimed. The prince of diplomats advises gentle dissimulation in the
inceptive stages of your negotiations with the Manatitlans; and in the
second insinuations with non-committal or evasive attachments; and
boldness when fully prepared to offer your ultimatum. This plan worked
admirably with the French, who are probably far more accomplished in the
diplomatic art than the Manatitlans. If you had experienced the
advantages of a married life, you could better appreciate the benefits
of the preparatory stages proposed, from their successful adaptability
for the quiet management of domestic affairs. We shall anticipate with
increased interest the arrival of your next letters. Please present the
Kaiser pipe to Dr. Baāhar with its accompanying sack of Latakia and
Shiraz ammunition, as its smoke will aid him in resurrecting many
interesting items from the ruins of old Heraclea. The gift you can
render more acceptable by an appropriate presentation speech, at the
close of a public banquet given at our expense. If you think it will
enhance the acceptability of the gift, you can allude to its dedication
by my own and the lips of the prince, which will be sure to impart to
him a politic shrewdness that will outwit the Jesuits.
YOUR KAISER.
M. Hollydorf acknowledged with a flush of shame the correctness of the
Dosch’s verbatim rendering of the Kaiser letter. But the Dosch rallied
him with the assurance that the effort was above the general average of
the kind, and really acceptable as an aid in demonstrating the
indifference of potentates for the real welfare of their subjects. “If,”
he urged, “Newton, Humboldt, Arago, and other scientific celebrities,
had occupied but half of the time in study for the practical relief of
their race from the potential rule of selfishness, that they devoted to
theories strained from debris gleanings of earth’s attritions, from
counter elementary action, they would have secured in grateful
reciprocation an ever enduring immortality, that would have lived with
the endowment of their living impression, in the current of affection,
to the garnered end of the allotted term of mortal representation.
Instead of using their gigantic endowments for the development of man’s
knowledge of himself, in privileged relation to creative design, for the
fulfillment of indications vouchsafed for his affectionate direction,
they endeavored to illuminate the precedental path of irrational
delusions, and left their immense labors, under the seal of acknowledged
greatness, as barren of sympathy for immortal direction, as the sands of
Sahara are for the support of the Arab wanderer. We do not disclaim the
collateral benefits to be derived from the cultivation of practical
“science,” but to devote one’s energies to exhuming relics, tracing
glacial tracks, chasing butterflies and other insects, for capture,
without other motive than for classification and the gratification of
curiosity, is as void of beneficial result as the youthful Gigas’
antiquarian search for postage stamps. The obstinate perseverance of the
Scotch Animalculans in imitating the fanatical absurdities of their Giga
exemplars, has become proverbial with our Manatitlan colonists, who
render it “scratching for miracles to cure evils of easy prevention.” A
reputation founded solely upon entomological pursuits will deservedly
prove as short lived, and lack-worthy of sympathy, as the ancient family
hunts of the Gaels, who left a breeding cause for wasted time spent in
the pursuit of their bodies’ parasitic foes, when with ease they could
have rid themselves of the pests, and added to their comfort by
cleanliness. In our aerial study of botanical adaptation, we have
observed the date palm, indigenous to the eastern shores of the
Mediterranean, growing at the mouths of all the large American rivers of
tropical latitudes, corresponding with the current streams of the ocean
setting from the Strait of Gibraltar. In Mexico and Yucatan, the date
palm grows as luxuriantly, and yields as abundantly in exotic
transplantation as under the favoring influences of native soil and
climate. Even in the latifundium with its exalted altitude, you will
observe that with cultivation it yields fruit of a quality far superior
to the Egyptian, and has in reality proved the bread of life to the
Heracleans. Now if the scientific of your race would but study these
vicarious indications of nature for transplanting increase, and
cultivate them in extension with intelligent zeal for affectionate
bestowal, war, and its indigent charity sequence of doles, would forever
pass away from the surplant of confiding love. But your race are now so
wedded to the fruits of precedentalism, that if you, on your return to
the haunts of civilization, should attempt to promulgate your present
happy thoughts, without forestalling them with the substantial relation
of your animalculan discovery of the Manatitlan race, your own relatives
would denounce you as lunatic Utopiasts.”