Would you have believed it? Notwithstanding all that had happened
between Titmouse and Tag-rag, they positively got reconciled to one
another--a triumphant result of the astute policy of Mr. Gammon. As soon
as he had heard Titmouse's infuriated account of his ignominious
expulsion from Satin Lodge, he burst into a fit of hearty but gentle
laughter, which at length subsided into an inward chuckle which lasted
the rest of the day; and was occasioned, first, by gratification at the
impression which his own sagacity had evidently produced upon the
powerful mind of Titmouse; secondly, by an exquisite appreciation of the
mingled meanness and stupidity of Tag-rag. I do not mean it to be
understood, that Titmouse had given Mr. Gammon such a terse and clear
account of the matter as I imagine myself to have given to the reader;
but still he told quite enough to put Mr. Gammon in full possession of
the true state of the case. Good: but then--instantly reflected
Gammon--what are we now to do with Titmouse?--where was that troublesome
little ape to be caged, till it suited the purposes of his proprietors
(as Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap might surely be called, for they had
caught him, however they might fail to tame him) to let him loose upon
society, to amuse and astonish it by his antics?--That was the question
occupying the thoughts of Mr. Gammon, while his calm, clear, gray eye
was fixed upon Titmouse, apparently very attentive to what he was
saying. That gentleman had first told the story of his wrongs to Snap,
who instantly, rubbing his hands, suggested an indictment at the
Clerkenwell sessions--an idea which infinitely delighted Titmouse, but
was somewhat sternly "pooh-poohed!" by Mr. Gammon as soon as he heard of
it,--Snap thereat shrugging his shoulders with a disconcerted air, but a
bitter sneer upon his sharp, hard face. Like many men of little but
active minds, early drilled to particular and petty callings, Snap was
equal to the mechanical conduct of business--the mere working of the
machinery--but, as the phrase is, could never see an inch beyond his
nose. Every little conjuncture of circumstances which admitted of
litigation, at once suggested its _expediency_, without reference to
other considerations, or connection with, or subordination to, any
general purpose or plan of action. A creature of small impulses, he had
no idea of foregoing a momentary advantage to secure an ulterior object
of importance--which, in fact, he could not keep for a moment before his
thoughts, so as to have any influence on his movements. What a different
man, now, was Gammon!
To speak after the manner of physiologists, several of my
characters--Titmouse, Tag-rag, (with his amiable wife and daughter,)
Huckaback, Snap, and old Quirk himself--may be looked on as reptiles of
a low order in the scale of being, whose simple structures almost one
dash of the knife would suffice to lay thoroughly open. Gammon, however,
I look upon as of a much higher order; possessing a far more complicated
structure, adapted to the discharge of superior functions; and who,
consequently, requireth a more careful dissection. But let it not be
supposed that I have yet done with _any_ of my characters.
Gammon saw that Tag-rag, under proper management, might be made very
useful. He was a _moneyed man_; a selfish man; and, after his sort, an
ambitious man. He had an only child, a daughter, and if Titmouse and he
could only be by any means once more brought together, and a firm
friendship cemented between them, Gammon saw several very profitable
uses to which such an intimacy might be turned, in the happening of any
of several contemplated contingencies. In the event, for instance, of
larger outlays of money being required than suited the convenience of
the firm--could not Tag-rag be easily brought to accommodate his future
son-in-law of £10,000 a-year? Suppose that, after all, their case should
break down and all their pains, exertions, and expenditure be utterly
thrown away! Now, if Tag-rag could be quietly brought, some fine day, to
the point of either making an actual advance, or becoming security for
Titmouse--ah! that would do--- that _would_ do, said both Quirk and
Gammon. But then Titmouse was a very unsafe instrument--an incalculable
fool, and might commit himself too far!
"You forget, Gammon," said old Mr. Quirk, "I don't fear this girl of
Tag-rag's--because only let Titmouse see--hem," he suddenly paused, and
looked a little confused.
"To be sure--I see," replied Gammon, quietly, and the thing passed off.
"If either Miss Quirk or Miss Tag-rag becomes Mrs. Titmouse," thought
he, "I am not the man I take myself for."
A few days after Titmouse's expulsion from Satin Lodge, without his
having ever gone near Tag-rag's premises in Oxford Street, or in short,
seen or heard anything about him, or any one connected with him,
Titmouse removed to small but very respectable lodgings in the
neighborhood of Hatton Garden, provided for him by Mr. Quirk. Mrs.
Squallop was quite affected while she took leave of Titmouse, who gave
her son a penny to take his two boxes down-stairs to the hackney-coach
drawn up opposite to the entrance of Closet Court.
"I've always felt like a mother towards you, sir, in my humble way,"
said Mrs. Squallop, in a very respectful manner, and courtesying
profoundly.
"A--I've not got any--a--change by me, my good woman," said Titmouse,
with a fine air, as he drew on his white kid glove.
"Lord, Mr. Titmouse!" said the woman, almost bursting into tears, "I
wasn't asking for money, neither for me nor mine--only one can't help,
as it were, feeling at parting with an old lodger, you know, sir"--
"Ah--ya--as--and all that! Well, my good woman, good-day, good-day!"
quoth Titmouse, with an air of languid indifference.
"Good-by, sir--God bless you, sir, now you're going to be a rich
man!--Excuse me, sir."--And she seized his hand and shook it.
"You're a--devilish--impudent--woman--'pon my soul!" exclaimed Titmouse,
his features filled with amazement at the presumption of which she had
been guilty; and he strode down the stairs with an air of offended
dignity.
"Well--I never!--_That_ for you, you little brute," exclaimed Mrs.
Squallop, snapping her fingers as soon as she had heard his last step on
the stairs--"Kind or cruel, it's all one to you!--You're a nasty
jackanapes, only fit to stand in a tailor's window to show his
clothes--and I'll be sworn you'll come to no good in the end, please
God! Let you be _rich_ as you may, you'll always be the fool you always
was!"
Had the good woman been familiar with the Night Thoughts of Dr. Young,
she might have expressed herself somewhat tersely in a line of his--
"Pygmies are pygmies still, though perched on Alps."
And, by the way, who can read the next line--
"And pyramids are pyramids in vales,"
without thinking for a moment, with a kind of proud sympathy, of certain
_other_ characters in this history? Well! but let us pass on.
The day after that on which Mr. Gammon had had a long interview with
Titmouse, at the new lodgings of the latter,--when, after a very skilful
effort, he had succeeded in reconciling Titmouse to a renewal of his
acquaintance with Tag-rag, upon that gentleman's making a complete and
abject apology for his late monstrous conduct,--Mr. Gammon wended his
way towards Oxford Street, and soon introduced himself once more to Mr.
Tag-rag, who was standing leaning against one of the counters in his
shop in a musing position, with a pen behind his ear, and his hands in
his breeches' pockets. Ten days had elapsed since he had expelled the
little impostor Titmouse from Satin Lodge, and during that interval he
had neither seen nor heard anything whatever of him. On now catching the
first glimpse of Mr. Gammon, he started from his musing posture, not a
little disconcerted, and agitation overspread his coarse deeply-pitted
face with a tallowy hue. What was in the wind? Mr. Gammon coming to him,
so long after what had occurred! Mr. Gammon who, having found out his
error, had discarded Titmouse! Tag-rag had a mortal dread of Gammon, who
seemed to him to glide like a dangerous snake into the shop, so quietly,
and _so deadly_! There was something so calm and imperturbable in his
demeanor, so blandly crafty, so ominously gentle and soft in the tone of
his voice, so penetrating in his eye, and he could throw such an
infernal smile over his features! Tag-rag might be likened to the
animal, suddenly shuddering as he perceives the glistening folds of the
rattlesnake noiselessly moving towards, or around him, in the long
grass. One glimpse of his blasting beauty of hue, and--Horror! all is
over.
If the splendid bubble of Titmouse's fortune _had_ burst in the manner
which he had represented, why Gammon here now? thought Tag-rag. It was
with, in truth, a very poor show of contempt and defiance, that, in
answer to the bland salutation of Gammon, Tag-rag led the way down the
shop into the little room which had been the scene of such an
extraordinary communication concerning Titmouse on a former occasion.
Gammon commenced, in a mild tone, with a very startling representation
of the criminal liability which Tag-rag had incurred by his wanton
outrage upon Mr. Titmouse; his own guest, in violation of all the laws
of hospitality. Tag-rag furiously alleged the imposition which had been
practised on him by Titmouse; but seemed quite collapsed when Gammon
assured him that that circumstance would not afford him the slightest
justification. Having satisfied Tag-rag that he was entirely at the
mercy of Titmouse, who might subject him to both fine and imprisonment,
Mr. Gammon proceeded to open his eyes to their widest stare of
amazement, by assuring him that Titmouse had been hoaxing him, and that
he was really in the dazzling position in which he had been first
represented by Gammon to Tag-rag; that every week brought him nearer to
the full and uncontrolled enjoyment of an estate in Yorkshire, worth
£10,000 a-year at the very lowest; that it was becoming an object of
increasing anxiety to them (Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap) to keep him
out of the hands of money-lenders, who, as usual in such cases, had
already scented out their victim, and so forth. Tag-rag turned very
white, and felt sick at heart in the midst of all his wonder. Oh, and
his daughter had lost the golden prize! and through _his_ misconduct! He
could have sunk into the cellar!--Mr. Gammon declared that he could not
account for the singular conduct of Mr. Titmouse on the melancholy
occasion in question, except by referring it to the excellent wines
which he had too freely partaken of at Satin Lodge, added (said Gammon,
with an exquisite expression of features which perfectly fascinated
Tag-rag) to a "certain tenderer influence" which had fairly laid
prostrate the faculties of the young and enthusiastic Titmouse; that
there could be no doubt of his real motive in the conduct alluded to,
namely, a desire to test the sincerity and disinterestedness of a
"certain person's" attachment before he let all his fond and passionate
feelings go out towards her--[At this point the perspiration burst from
every pore in the devoted body of Tag-rag]--and that no one could
deplore the unexpected issue of his little experiment so much as now did
Titmouse.
Tag-rag really, for a moment, scarcely knew where he was, who was with
him, nor whether he stood on his head or his heels, so delightful and
entirely unexpected was the issue of Mr. Gammon's visit. As soon as his
faculties had somewhat recovered themselves from their temporary
confusion, almost breathless, he assured Gammon that no event in the
whole course of his life had occasioned him such poignant regret as his
treatment of Titmouse on the occasion in question; that he had
undoubtedly followed unwittingly (he was ashamed to own) the example of
Titmouse, and drank far more than his usual quantity of wine; besides
which he had undoubtedly noticed, as had Mrs. T., the state of things
between Mr. Titmouse and his daughter--talking of whom, by the way, he
could assure Mr. Gammon that both Mrs. and Miss T. had been ill ever
since that unfortunate evening, and had never ceased to condemn
his--Tag-rag's--monstrous conduct on that occasion. As for Miss T., she
was growing thinner and thinner every day, and he thought he must send
her to the country for a short time: in fact--poor girl!--she was
plainly pining away!
To all this Mr. Gammon listened with a calm, delightful, sympathizing
look, which quite transported Tag-rag, and satisfied him that Mr. Gammon
implicitly believed every word that was being said to him. But when he
proceeded to assure Tag-rag that this visit of his had been undertaken
at the earnest instance of Mr. Titmouse himself, (who, by the way, had
removed to lodgings which would do for the present, so as they were only
near to their office, for the purpose of frequent communication on
matters of business between him and their firm,) who had urged Mr.
Gammon to tender the olive branch, in the devout hope that it might be
accepted--Tag-rag's excitement knew scarce any bounds; and he could
almost have started into the shop, and given orders to his shopmen to
shut up shop half an hour earlier for the rest of the week! Mr. Gammon
wrote down Titmouse's direction, and handing it to Mr. Tag-rag, assured
him that a call from him would be gratefully received by Mr. Titmouse.
"There's no accounting for these things, Mr. Tag-rag--is there?" said
Mr. Gammon, with an arch smile, as he prepared to depart--Tag-rag
squeezing his hands with painful energy as Gammon bade him adieu,
declaring that "he should not be himself for the rest of the day" and
bowing the aforesaid Mr. Gammon down the shop with as profound an
obsequiousness as if he had been the Lord High Chancellor, or even the
Lord Mayor. As soon as Gammon had got fairly into the street, and to a
safe distance, he burst into little gentle paroxysms of laughter, every
now and then, which lasted him till he had regained his office in
Saffron Hill.
The motive so boldly and skilfully suggested by Gammon to Tag-rag, as
that impelling Titmouse to seek a reconciliation with him, was greedily
credited by Tag-rag. 'Tis certainly very easy for a man to believe what
he wishes to be true. Was it _very_ improbable that Tag-rag, loving only
one object on earth, (next to money, which indeed he really did love
with the best and holiest energies of his nature,) namely, his daughter;
and believing her to be possessed of qualities calculated to excite
every one's love--should believe that she had inspired Titmouse with the
passion of which he had just been hearing--a passion which was consuming
him--which could not be quenched by even the gross outrage which---- but
faugh! _that_ Tag-rag shuddered to think of. He clapped his hat on his
head, and started off to Titmouse's lodgings, and fortunately caught
that gentleman just as he was going out to dine at a neighboring tavern.
If Tag-rag had been a keen observer, he could hardly have failed to
discover aversion towards himself written in every feature and gesture
of Titmouse; and also the difficulty which he experienced in concealing
his feelings. But his eagerness overbore everything; and took Titmouse
quite by storm. Before Tag-rag had done with him, he had obliterated
every trace of resentment in his little friend's bosom. Thoroughly as
Gammon thought he had armed Titmouse against the encounter--indeed, at
all points--'twas of no avail. Tag-rag poured such a monstrous quantity
of flummery down the gaping mouth and insatiate throat of the little
animal, as at length produced its desired effect. Few can resist
flattery, however coarsely administered; but as for Titmouse, he felt
the delicious fluid softly insinuating itself into every crevice of his
little nature, for which it seemed, indeed, to have a peculiar affinity;
'twas a balm, 'twas an opiate soothing his wounded pride, lubricating
all his inner man; nay, flooding it, so as at length to extinguish
entirely the very small glimmering spark of discernment which nature had
lit in him. "To be fore_warned_, is to be fore_armed_," says the
proverb; but it was not verified in the present instance. Titmouse would
have dined at Satin Lodge on the very next Sunday, in accordance with
the pressing invitations of Tag-rag, but that he happened to recollect
having engaged himself to dine on that evening with Mr. Quirk, at his
residence in Camberwell--ALIBI HOUSE. As I have already intimated in a
previous part of this history, that most respectable old gentleman, Mr.
Quirk, with the shrewdness natural to him, and which had been quickened
by his great experience, had soon seen through the ill-contrived and
worse-concealed designs upon Titmouse of Mr. Tag-rag; and justly
considered that the surest method of rendering them abortive would be to
familiarize Titmouse with a superior style of things, such as was to be
found at Alibi House--and a more lovely and attractive object for his
best affections in Miss Quirk--Dora Quirk--the lustre of whose charms
and accomplishments there could be no doubt, he thought, would instantly
efface the image of that poor, feeble, vulgar creature, Miss Tag-rag;
for such old Quirk knew her to be, though he had, in fact, never for a
moment set eyes upon her. Mr. Tag-rag looked rather blank at hearing of
the grand party there was to be at Alibi House, and that Titmouse was to
be introduced to the only daughter of Mr. Quirk, and could not for the
life of him abstain from dropping something, vague and indistinct to be
sure, about "entrapping unsuspecting innocence," and "interested
attentions," and other similar expressions--all of which, however, were
lost upon Titmouse. Tapping with an auctioneer's hammer on a block of
granite, would make about as much impression upon it as will hint,
innuendo, or suggestion, upon a blockhead. So it was with Titmouse. He
promised to dine at Satin Lodge on the Sunday after the ensuing
one--with which poor Mr. Tag-rag was obliged to depart content; having
been unable to get Titmouse up to Clapham on either of the intervening
evenings, on which, he told Mr. Tag-rag, he was particularly engaged
with an intimate friend--"in fact, one of HIS SOLICITORS;" and Tag-rag
left him after shaking him by the hand with the utmost cordiality and
energy. He instantly conceived a lively hatred of old Mr. Quirk and his
daughter, who seemed taking so unfair an advantage. What, however, could
be done? Many times during his interview did he anxiously turn about in
his mind the expediency of proffering to lend or give Titmouse a
five-pound note, of which he had one or two in his pocket-book; but
no--'twas too much for human nature--he _could_ not bring himself to it;
and quitted Titmouse as rich a man as he had entered that gentleman's
lodgings.
The "intimate friend" to whom Titmouse alluded as having engaged himself
to dinner with him, was, in fact, Mr. Snap; who had early evinced a
great partiality for him, and lost no opportunity of contributing to his
enjoyment. Snap was a sharp-sighted person, and quickly detected many
qualities in Titmouse, kindred to his own. He sincerely commiserated
Titmouse's situation, than which, could anything be more lonely and
desolate? Was he to sit night after night in the lengthening nights of
autumn and winter, with not a soul to speak to, not a book to read,
(that was at least interesting or worth reading;) nothing, in short, to
occupy his attention? "No," said Snap to himself; "I will do as I would
be done by; I will come and draw him out of his dull hole; I will show
him life--I will give him an early insight into the habits and practices
of the great world, in which he is so soon to cut a leading figure! I
will early familiarize him with the gayest and most exciting modes of
London life!" The very first taste of this cup of pleasure was
exquisitely relished by Titmouse; and he felt a proportionate gratitude
to him whose kind hand had first raised it to his lips. Scenes of which
he had heretofore only heard and read--after which he had often sighed
and yearned, were now opening daily before him, limited as were his
means; and he felt perfectly happy. When Snap had finished the day's
labors of the office, from which he was generally released about eight
or nine o'clock in the evening, he would repair to his lodgings, and
decorate himself for the night's display; after which, either he would
go to Titmouse, or Titmouse come to him, as might have been previously
agreed upon between them; and then,--
"The _town_ was all before them, where to choose!"
Sometimes they would, arm in arm, each with his cigar in his mouth,
saunter, for hours together, along the leading streets and
thoroughfares, making acute observations and deep reflections upon the
ever-moving and motley scenes around them. Most frequently, however,
they would repair, at half-price, to the theatres; for Snap had the
means of securing almost a constant supply of "orders" from the
underlings of the theatres, and also from reporters to the _Sunday
Flash_, (with which Messrs. Quirk and Gammon were connected,) and other
newspapers. Ah, 'twas a glorious sight to see these two gentlemen
saunter into a vacant box, conscious that the eyes of two-thirds of the
house were fixed upon them in admiration, and conducting themselves
accordingly--as swells of the first water! One such night
counterbalanced, in Titmouse's estimation, a whole year of his previous
obscurity and wretchedness! The theatre over, they would repair to some
cloudy tavern, full of noise and smoke, and the glare of
gaslight--redolent of the fragrant fumes of tobacco, gin, and porter,
intermingled with the tempting odors of smoking kidneys, mutton-chops,
beefsteaks, oysters, stewed cheese, toasted cheese, Welsh rabbits; where
those who are chained to the desk and the counter during the day, revel
in the license of the hour, and eat, and drink, and smoke to the highest
point either of excitement or stupefaction, and enter into all the
slang of the day--of the turf, the ring, the cockpit, the theatres--and
shake their sides at comic songs. To enter one of these places when the
theatre was over, was a luxury indeed to Titmouse; figged out in his
very uttermost best, with satin stock and double breastpins; his glossy
hat cocked on one side of his head, his tight blue surtout, with the
snowy handkerchief elegantly drooping out of the breast-pocket;
straw-colored kid gloves, tight trousers, and shining boots; his ebony
silver-headed cane held carelessly under his arm! To walk into the
middle of the room with a sort of haughty ease and indifference, or
nonchalance; and after deliberately scanning, through his eye-glass,
every box, with its occupants, at length drop into a vacant nook, and
with a languid air summon the bustling waiter to receive his commands,
was ecstasy! The circumstance of his almost always accompanying Snap on
these occasions, who was held in great awe by the waiters, to whom his
professional celebrity was well known, (for there was scarce an
interesting, a dreadful, or a nasty scene at any of the police-offices,
in which Snap's name did not figure in the newspapers as "appearing on
behalf of the prisoner,") got Titmouse almost an equal share of
consideration, and aided the effect produced by his own commanding
appearance. As for Snap, whenever he was asked who his companion was, he
would whisper in a very significant tone and manner--"Devilish high
chap!" From these places they would repair, not unfrequently, to certain
other scenes of nightly London life, which, I thank God! the virtuous
reader can form no notion of, though they are, strange to say, winked
at, if not patronized by the police and magistracy, till the metropolis
is choked with them. Thus would Snap and Titmouse pleasantly pass away
their time till one, two, three, and often four o'clock in the morning;
at which hours they would, with many yawns, skulk homewards through the
deserted and silent streets, their clothes redolent of tobacco smoke,
their stomachs overcharged, their heads often muddled, swimming, and
throbbing with their multifarious potations--having thus spent a "_jolly
night_," and "_seen life_." 'T was thus that Snap greatly endeared
himself to Titmouse, and secretly (for he enjoined upon Titmouse, as the
condition of their continuance, strict secrecy on the subject of these
nocturnal adventures) stole a march upon his older competitors for the
good opinion of Titmouse--Messrs. Quirk, Tag-rag, and even the astute
and experienced Gammon himself. Such doings as these required, however,
as may easily be believed, some slight augmentations of the allowance
made to Titmouse by Messrs. Quirk and Gammon; and it was fortunate that
Snap was in a condition, having a few hundreds at his command, to supply
the necessities of Titmouse, receiving with a careless air, on the
occasion of such advances, small slips of paper by way of
acknowledgments; some on stamped paper, others on unstamped
paper,--promissory notes, and I. O. U's. Inasmuch, however, as Snap was
not always possessed of a stamp on the occasion of a sudden advance, and
having asked the opinion of his pleader (a sharp fellow who had been
articled at the same time as himself to Messrs. Quirk and Gammon) as to
whether an instrument in this form, "I. O. U. so much--_with interest_,"
would be available without a stamp, and being informed that it was a
very doubtful point, Snap ingeniously met the difficulty by quietly
adding to the principal what might become due in respect of interest:
_e. g._ if £5 were lent, the acknowledgment would stand for £15--these
little slips of paper being generally signed by Titmouse in moments of
extreme exhilaration, when he never thought of scrutinizing anything
that his friend Snap would lay before him. For the honor of Snap, I
must say that I hardly think he deliberately purposed to perpetuate the
fraud which such a transaction appears to amount to; all he wanted
was--so he satisfied himself at least--to have it in his power to
recover the full amount of principal _really_ advanced, with interest,
on one or other of these various securities, and hold the surplus as
trustee for Titmouse. If, for instance, any unfortunate difference
should hereafter arise between himself and Titmouse, and he should
refuse to recognize his pecuniary obligations to Snap, the latter
gentleman would be provided with short and easy proofs of his demands
against him. 'T was thus, I say, that Snap rendered himself
indispensable to Titmouse, whom he bound to him by every tie of
gratitude; so that, in short, they became sworn friends.
I will always say for Gammon, that, whatever might have been his motive,
he strenuously endeavored to urge upon Titmouse the necessity of
acquiring, at all events, a smattering of the elements of useful
education. Beyond an acquaintance with the petty operations of
arithmetic requisite for counter-transactions, I will venture to say
that poor Titmouse had no serviceable knowledge of any kind. Mr. Gammon
repeatedly pressed him to put himself under competent teachers of the
ordinary branches of education; but Titmouse as often evaded him, and at
length flatly refused to do anything of the kind. He promised, however,
to read such books as Mr. Gammon might recommend; who thereupon sent him
several: but a book before Titmouse was much the same as a plate of
sawdust before a hungry man. Mr. Gammon, himself a man of considerable
acquirements, soon saw the true state of the case, and gave up his
attempts in despair and disgust. Not that he ever suffered Titmouse to
perceive the faintest indication of such feelings towards him; on the
contrary, Gammon ever exhibited the same bland and benignant demeanor,
consulting his wishes in everything, and striving to instil into him
feelings of love, tempered by respect, as towards the most powerful--the
only real, disinterested friend he had! To a very great extent he
succeeded.
Titmouse spent several hours in preparing for an effective first
appearance at the dinner-table at Alibi House. Since dining at Satin
Lodge, he had considerably increased his wardrobe both in quantity and
style. He now sported a pair of tight black trousers, with pumps and
gossamer silk stockings. He wore a crimson velvet waistcoat, with a
bright blue satin under-waistcoat, a shirt-frill standing out somewhat
fiercely at right angles with his breast, and a brown dress-coat cut in
the extreme of the fashion, the long tails coming to a point just about
the backs of his knees. His hair (its purple hue still pretty distinctly
perceptible) was disposed with great elegance. He had discarded
mustaches; but had a very promising imperial. The hair underneath his
chin came out curling on each side of it, above his stock, like two
little tufts or horns. Over his waistcoat he wore his mosaic gold
watch-guard, and a broad black watered ribbon, to which was attached his
eye-glass--in fact, if he had dressed himself in order to sit to a
miniature painter for his likeness, he could not have taken greater
pains, or secured a more successful result. The only points about his
appearance with which he was at all dissatisfied, were his hair--which
was not yet the thing which he hoped in due time to see it--his thick
red stumpy hands, and his round shoulders. The last matter gave him
considerable concern, for he felt that it seriously interfered with a
graceful carriage; and that the defect in his figure had been, after
all, not in the least remedied by the prodigious padding of his coat.
His protuberant eyes, of very light hue, had an expression entirely
harmonizing with that of his open mouth; and both together, quite
independently of his dress, carriage, and demeanor--(there is nothing
like being candid)--gave you the image of a--complete fool. Having at
length carefully adjusted his hat on his head, and drawn on his white
kid gloves, he enveloped himself in a stylish cloak, with long black
silk tassels, which had been lent to him by Snap; and about four
o'clock, forth sallied Mr. Titmouse, carefully picking his way, in quest
of the first coach that could convey him to Alibi House, or as near to
it as might be. He soon found one, and, conscious that his appearance
was far too splendid for an outside place, got inside. All the way
along, his heart was in a little flutter of vanity, excitement, and
expectation. He was going to be introduced to Miss Quirk--and probably,
also, to several people of great consequence--as the heir apparent to
£10,000 a-year! Two very respectable female passengers, his companions,
he never once deigned to interchange, a syllable with. Four or five
times did he put his head out of the window, calling out in a loud
peremptory tone--"Mind, coachman--Alibi House--Mr. Quirk's--Alibi
House--Do you hear, demme?" After which he would sink back into the seat
with a magnificent air, as if he had not been used to give himself so
much trouble. The coach at length stopped. "Hallibi Ouse, sir," said the
coachman, in a most respectful tone--"this is Mr. Quirk's, sir."
Titmouse stepped out, dropped eighteenpence into the man's hand, and
opening the gate, found himself in a straight and narrow gravel walk, of
about twenty yards in length, with little obstinate-looking stunted
shrubs on each side. 'T was generally known, among Mr. Quirk's friends,
by the name of "the _Rope-walk_." Titmouse might have entered before as
fine-looking a house, but only to deliver a bundle of drapery or
hosiery: never before had he entered such an one in the reality of
guest. It was, in fact, a fair-sized house, at least treble that of
Satin Lodge, and had a far more stylish appearance. When Titmouse pulled
the bell, the door was quickly plucked open by a big footman, with showy
shoulder-knot and a pair of splendid red plush breeches, who soon
disposed of Titmouse's cloak and hat, and led the way to the
drawing-room, before our friend, with a sudden palpitation of the heart,
had had a moment's time even to run his hands through his hair.
"Your name, sir?" inquired the man, suddenly pausing--with his hand upon
the handle of the door.
"Mr. Titmouse!"
"I--_beg_ your pardon, sir; _what_ name?"
Titmouse clearing his throat repeated his name--open went the door,
and--"Mr. Ticklemouse," said the servant, very loudly and
distinctly--ushering in Titmouse; on whom the door was the next instant
closed. He felt amazingly flustered--and he would have been still more
so, if he could have been made aware of the titter which pervaded the
fourteen or twenty people assembled in the room, occasioned by the droll
misnomer of the servant, and the exquisitely ridiculous appearance of
poor Titmouse. Mr. Quirk, dressed in black, with knee breeches and silk
stockings, immediately bustled up to him, shook him cordially by the
hand, and led him up to the assembled guests. "My daughter--Miss Quirk;
Mrs. Alderman Addlehead; Mrs. Deputy Diddle-daddle; Mrs. Alias, my
sister;--Mr. Alderman Addlehead; Mr. Deputy Diddle-daddle; Mr. Bluster;
Mr. Slang; Mr. Hug; Mr. Flaw; Mr. Viper; Mr. Ghastly; Mr. Gammon you
know." Miss Quirk was about four or five and twenty--a fat young lady,
with flaxen hair curled formally all over her head and down to her
shoulders; so that she very much resembled one of those great wax dolls
seen in bazaars and shop windows. Her complexion was beautifully fair;
her eyes were small; her face was quite round and fat. From the
die-away manner in which she moved her head, and the languid tone of her
voice, it was obvious that she was a very sentimental young lady. She
was dressed in white, and wore a massive gold chain--her fat arms being
half covered with long kid gloves. She was sitting on the sofa, from
which she did not rise when Titmouse was introduced to her--and the
moment afterwards, hid her face behind the album which had been lying on
her knee, and which she had been showing to the ladies on each side of
her; for, in fact, neither she nor any one else could, without the
greatest difficulty, refrain from laughing at the monkeyfied appearance
of Titmouse. The alderman was a stout, stupid little man--a fussy old
prig--with small angry-looking black eyes, and a short red nose; as for
his head, it seemed as though he had just smeared some sticky fluid over
it, and then dipped it into a flour-tub, so thickly laden was it with
powder. Mr. Deputy Diddle-daddle was tall and thin, and serious and slow
of speech, with the solemn composure of an undertaker. Mr. Bluster was a
great Old Bailey barrister, about fifty years old, the leader constantly
employed by Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap; and was making at least a
thousand a-year. He had an amazingly truculent-looking countenance,
coarse to a degree, and his voice matched it; but on occasions like the
present--_i. e._ in elegant society--he would fain drop the successful
terrors of his manner, and appear the mild, dignified gentleman. He
therefore spoke in a very soft, cringing way, with an anxious smile; but
his bold insolent eye and coarse mouth--what could disguise or mitigate
their expression? Here he was, playing the great man; making himself,
however, most particularly agreeable to Messrs. Quirk and Gammon. Slang
was of the same school; fat, vulgar, confident, and empty; telling
obscene jokes and stories, in a deep bass voice. He sang a good song,
too--particularly of that class which required the absence of
ladies--and of _gentlemen_. Hug (Mr. Toady Hug) was also a barrister; a
glib little Jewish-looking fellow, creeping into considerable criminal
practice. He was a sneaking backbiter, and had a blood-hound scent after
an attorney. See him, for instance, at this moment, in close and eager
conversation with Mr. Flaw, who, rely upon it, will give him a brief
before the week is over. Viper was the editor of the _Sunday Flash_; a
cold, venomous little creature. He was a philosopher--and of opinion
that everything was wrong--moral, physical, intellectual, and social;
that there was really no such thing, or at least ought not to be, as
religion; and, as to political rights, that everybody was equal, and if
any were uppermost, all ought to be! He had failed in business twice,
and disreputably; then had become an Unitarian parson; but, having
seduced a young female member of his congregation, he was expelled from
his pulpit. An action being brought against him by the mother of his
victim, and heavy damages obtained, he attempted to take the benefit of
the Insolvent Debtors' Act--but, on account of Miss----, was remanded
for eighteen months. That period he employed in writing a shockingly
blasphemous work, for which he was prosecuted, and sentenced to a heavy
fine and imprisonment. On being released from prison, saturated with
gall and bitterness against all mankind, he took to political writing of
a very violent character, and was at length picked up, half starved, by
his present patron, Mr. Quirk, and made editor of the _Sunday Flash_. Is
not all this history written in his sallow, sinister-eyed,
bitter-expressioned countenance? Woe to him who gets into a discussion
with Viper! There were one or two others present, particularly a Mr.
Ghastly, a third-rate tragic actor, with a tremendous mouth, only one
eye, and a very hungry look. He never spoke, because no one spoke to
him, for his clothes seemed rather rusty black. The only man of
gentlemanlike appearance in the room was Mr. Gammon; and he took an
early opportunity of engaging poor Titmouse in conversation, and setting
him comparatively at his ease--a thing which was attempted by old
Quirky, but in such a fidgety-fussy way as served only to fluster
Titmouse the more. Mr. Quirk gave a dinner-party of this sort regularly
every Sunday; and they formed the happiest moments of his
life--occasions on which he _felt_ that he had achieved success in
life--on which he banished from his thoughts the responsible and
dignified anxieties of his profession; and, surrounded by a select
circle of choice spirits, such as were thus collected together, partook
joyously of the
"Feast of reason, and the flow of soul."
"This is a very beautiful picture, Mr. Titmouse, isn't it?" said Gammon,
leading him to the farther corner of the drawing-room, where hung a
small picture, with a sort of curtain of black gauze before it. Gammon
lifted it up; and Titmouse beheld a picture of a man suspended from the
gallows, his hands tied with cords before him, his head forced aside,
and covered down to the chin with a white nightcap. 'Twas done with
sickening fidelity; and Titmouse gazed at it with a shudder. "Charming
thing, isn't it?" said Gammon, with a very expressive smile.
"Y--e--e--s," replied Titmouse, his eyes glued to the horrid object.
"Very striking thing, that--a'n't it?" quoth Quirk, bustling up to them;
"'twas painted for me by a first-rate artist, whose brother I _very
nearly_ saved from the gallows! _Like_ such things?" he inquired with a
matter-of-fact air, drawing down the black gauze.
"Yes, sir, uncommon--most uncommon!" quoth Titmouse, shuddering.
"Well, I'll show you something most particular interesting! Heard of
Gilderoy, that was hanged for forgery? Gad, my daughter's got a brooch
with a lock of his hair in it, which he gave me himself--a client of
mine; within an ace of getting him off--flaw in the indictment--found it
out myself--did, by gad! Come along, and I'll get Dora to show it to
you!" and, putting Titmouse's arm in his, and desirous of withdrawing
him from Gammon, he led him up to the interesting young lady.
"Dora," said Mr. Quirk--"just show my friend Titmouse that brooch of
yours, with Gilderoy's hair."
"Oh, my dear papa, 't is such a melancholy thing!" said she, at the same
time detaching it from her dress, and handing it to her papa, who,
holding it in his hands, gave Titmouse, and one or two others who stood
beside, a very interesting account of the last hours of the deceased
Gilderoy.
"He was _very_ handsome, papa, wasn't he?" inquired Miss Quirk, with a
sigh, and a very pensive air.
"Wasn't bad-looking; but good looks and the condemned cell don't long
agree together, _I_ can tell you!--Had many"----
"Ah, papa!" exclaimed Miss Quirk, in a mournful tone, and, leaning back
in the sofa, raised her handkerchief to her eyes.
"You are too sensitive, my love!" whispered her aunt, Mrs. Alias,
squeezing the hand of her niece, who, struggling against her feelings,
presently revived.
"We were looking just now," said Mr. Hug, addressing Mr. Quirk, "at a
very interesting addition to Miss Quirk's splendid album--that letter of
Grizzlegut."
"Ah, very striking! Value it beyond everything! Shall never forget
Grizzlegut! Very nearly got him off! 'T was an '&c.' that nearly saved
his life, through being omitted in the indictment. 'Fore gad, we thought
we'd got 'em!"
They were alluding to an autograph letter which had been addressed to
Mr. Quirk by Grizzlegut, (who had been executed for high treason a few
weeks before,) the night before he suffered. He was a blood-stained
scoundrel of the deepest dye, and ought to have been hanged and
quartered half a dozen times.
"Will you read it aloud, Mr. Hug?" inquired Miss Quirk; and the
barrister, with solemn emphasis, read the following remarkable
document:--
"_Condemned Cell, Newgate,_
_Sunday night, half-past 11 o'clock,_
_30th April, 18--._
"SIR,
"At this awful moment, when this world is closing rapidly upon me
and my fellow-sufferers, and the sounds of the wretches putting up
the Grim Gallows are audible to my listening ears, and on the
morrow the most horrible death that _malicious tyrants_ can inflict
awaits me, my soul being calm and full of fortitude, and beating
responsive to the call of GLORIOUS LIBERTY, I feel prouder than the
King upon his throne. I feel that I have done much to secure the
liberties of my _injured country_.
'For Liberty, glorious Liberty,
Who 'd fear to die?'
Many thanks to you, sir, for your truly indefatigable efforts on my
behalf, and the constant exercise of a skill that nearly secured us
a _Glorious Acquittal_. What a Flame we would have raised in
England! That should have _blasted_ the enemies of True Freedom. I
go to Hereafter (if, indeed, there be a hereafter), as we shall
soon know, not with my soul _crammed with Priestcraft_, but a Bold
Briton, having laid down my life for my country, knowing that
_Future Ages_ will do me Justice.
"Adieu, Tyrants, adieu! Do your worst!! My soul defies you!!!
"I am, Sir,
"Your humble, obliged, and
"undismayed servant,
"ARTHUR GRIZZLEGUT
"To CALEB QUIRK, ESQ.
"'Tyrants grim,
Will, on the morrow, cut me limb from limb:--
While Liberty looks on with terrible eye,
And says, _I will avenge him by-and-by_.'
"ARTHUR GRIZZLEGUT."
The reading of the above produced a great sensation. "That man's name
will be enrolled among the Sidneys and the Hampdens of his country!"
said Viper, with a grim and excited air. "That letter deserves to be
carved on a golden tablet! The last four lines are sublime! They are
worthy of Milton! He was a martyr to principles that are silently and
rapidly making their way in this country!"--How much farther he would
have gone on in this strain, seeing no one present had resolution enough
to differ with or interrupt him, even if they had been so disposed, I
know not; but fortunately dinner was announced--a sound which startled
old Quirk out of a posture of intense attention to Viper, and evident
admiration of his sentiments. He gave his arm with an air of prodigious
politeness to the gaunt Mrs. Alderman Addlehead, whose distinguished
lord led down Miss Quirk--and the rest followed in no particular
order--Titmouse arm in arm with Gammon, who took care to place him next
to himself (Gammon). It was really a dashing sort of dinner--such,
indeed, as Mr. Quirk had long been celebrated for. Titmouse had never
seen anything like it, and was quite bewildered--particularly at the
number of differently shaped and colored glasses, &c. &c. &c,
appropriated to his individual use! He kept a constant eye on the
movements of Gammon, and did whatever he did (the two appearing moved by
the same set of springs), and was thus saved not a few embarrassments
and annoyances. What chiefly struck his attention was a prodigious
number of dishes, great and small, as if half a dozen dinners had been
crowded into one; the rapidity with which they were changed, and plates
removed, in constant succession; the incessant invitations to take wine,
flying about during the whole of dinner. For a considerable while he was
too much flurried to enjoy himself; but a few glasses of champagne
succeeded in elevating his spirits to the proper pitch--and (had he not
been checked) would soon have driven them far beyond it. Almost
everybody, except the great folk at the very top of the table, asked him
to take wine; and on every such occasion he filled his glass. In fact
Gammon, recollecting a scene at his own chamber, soon perceived that,
unless he interfered, Titmouse would be drunk long before dinner was
over. That gentleman had not imagined the earth to contain so exquisite
a drink as champagne; and he could have fallen down and worshipped it,
as it came fizzing and flashing out of the bottle. Gammon earnestly
assured him that he would be ill if he drank so much--that many eyes
were upon him--and that it was not the custom to do more than merely sip
from his wine-glass when challenging or challenged. But Titmouse had
taken a considerably greater quantity on board, before Gammon thus
interfered, than that gentleman was aware of; and began to get very
confident and voluble. Guess the progress he had made, when he called
out with a confident air--"Mr. Alderman! Your health!"--whether more to
that great man's astonishment, or disgust, I cannot undertake to say:
but after a steady stare for a moment or two at Titmouse, "Oh! I shall
be very happy, indeed, _Mr. Gammon_," he called out, looking at the
latter gentleman, and drinking with _him_. That signified nothing,
however, to Titmouse, who, indeed, did not see anything at all pointed
or unusual, and nodding confidently to the alderman, gulped down his
wine as eagerly as before.
"Cool puppy, that, Miss Quirk, must say," snuffled the offended
alderman, to Miss Quirk.
"He's young, dear Mr. Alderman," said she, sweetly and mildly--"and when
you consider the immense fortune he is coming into--ten thousand a-year,
my papa says"----
"That don't make him less a puppy--nor a brute," interrupted the ruffled
alderman, still more indignant; for his own forty thousand pounds, the
source of all his social eminence, sank into insignificance at the sound
of the splendid income just about to drop into the lap of Titmouse. Mr.
Bluster, who headed the table on Miss Quirk's left hand side, and who
felt that he _ought_ to be, but knew that in the presence of the
alderman he _was_ not, the great man of the day, observing the
irritation under which his rival was suffering, resolved to augment it
as much as possible: wherefore he immediately raised his threatening
double-glasses to his eyes, and in a tone of ostentatious condescension,
looking down the table to Titmouse, called out, "Mr. Titmash--may I have
the honor of drinking wine with you?"
"Ya--as, brother Bumptious," replied Titmouse, (who could never bear to
hear his name mispronounced,) and raised _his_ glass to his eye; "was
just going to ask _you_!" All this was done in such a loud and impudent
tone and manner, as made Gammon still more uneasy for his young
companion. But his sally had been received by the company as a very
smart retort, and produced a roar of laughter, every one being glad to
see Mr. Bluster snubbed, who bore it in silent dignity, though his face
showed his chagrin and astonishment; and he very heartily agreed, for
once in his life, with the worshipful person opposite to him, in his
estimate of our friend Titmouse. "Mr. Titmouse! Mr. Titmouse! my
daughter wonders you won't take wine with her," said Mr. Quirk, in a low
tone--"will you join us? we're going to take a glass of champagne."
"Oh! 'pon my life--delighted"--quoth Titmouse.
"Dora, my dear! Mr. Titmouse will take wine with you!--Jack," (to the
servant,) "fill Miss Quirk's and Mr. Titmouse's glasses to the brim."
"Oh no! _dearest_ papa---- gracious!" she exclaimed, removing her glass.
"Pho! pho!--nonsense--the first time of asking, you know, ah, ha!"
"Well! If it _must_ be," and with what a graceful inclination--with what
a sly searching glance, and fascinating smile, did she exchange
courtesies with Titmouse! He felt disposed to take wine with her a
second time immediately; but Gammon restrained him. Mr. Toady Hug,
having become acquainted with the brilliant prospects of Titmouse,
earnestly desired to exert his little talents to do the agreeable, and
ingratiate himself with Mr. Titmouse; but there was a counteracting
force in another direction--viz. the attorney, Mr. Flaw, who had the
greatest practice at the Clerkenwell sessions; who sat beside him and
received his most respectful and incessant attentions; Hug speaking ever
to him in a low confidential whisper, constantly casting a furtive
glance towards Bluster and Slang, to see whether they were observing
him. In "strict confidence" he assured Mr. Flaw how his case, the other
day, might have been won, if such and such a course had been adopted,
"which would have been the line _he_" (Hug) "would have taken;" and
which he explained with anxious energy. "I must say, (but don't mention
it!) that Mr. Flip regularly threw the case away--no doubt of it! By
the way, what became of that burglary case of yours, on Friday, Mr.
Flaw? Uncommonly interesting case!"
"Found guilty, poor fellows!"
"You don't say so?"
"Fact, by Jove, though!"
"How _could_ Mr. Gobble have lost that verdict? I assure you I would
have bet ten to one on your getting a verdict; for I read over your
brief as it lay beside me, and upon my honor, Mr. Flaw, it was most
admirably got up. Everything depends on the brief"----
"Glad you thought so, sir," replied Flaw, wondering how it was that he
had never before thought of giving a brief to Mr. Hug.
"It's a great mistake of counsel," quoth Hug, earnestly--"not to pay the
utmost attention to their briefs! For my part," he continued in a lower
tone, "I make a point of reading every syllable in _my_ brief, however
long it is!"
"It's the only way, depend on it, sir. We attorneys, you know, see and
know so much of the case, conversing confidentially with the
prisoners"----
"Ay, and beyond that--Your practical suggestions, my dear sir, are
often---- Now, for instance, in the brief I was alluding to, there was,
I recollect--one most--uncommonly acute suggestion"----
"Sir--you're uncommonly flattering! Am particularly obliged to you! May
I ask, what it was that struck you?"--inquired the attorney, briskly,
his countenance showing the progress of Hug's lubricating process.
"Oh--why--a--a--hem!" stammered Hug, somewhat nonplussed--(for his
little fiction had been accepted as a fact!) "No; it would hardly be
fair to Gobble, and I'm sorry indeed"----
"Well, well--it can't be helped _now_--but I must say that once or twice
latterly I've thought, myself, that Mr. Gobble has rather---- By the
way, Mr. Hug, shall you be in town this week, till the end of the
sessions?"
"Ye--e--s!" hastily whispered Hug, after glancing guiltily towards his
brethren, who, though they did not seem to do so, were really watching
him with ill-subdued fury.
"I'm happy to hear it!--You've heard of Aaron Doodle, who was committed
for that burglary at----? Well, I defend him, and shall be happy to give
you the brief. Do you lead Mr. Dolt?" Hug nodded. "Then he will be your
junior. Where are your chambers, Mr. Hug?"
"No. 4, Cant Court, Gray's Inn. When, my dear sir, does the case come
on?"
"Thursday--perhaps Wednesday."
"Then _do_ come and breakfast with me," quoth Hug, in a whisper--"and we
can talk it over, you know, so nicely together!"
"Sir, you're _very_ polite. I will do myself the pleasure"--replied Mr.
Flaw--- and good-naturedly took wine with Mr. Hug.
This little stroke of business over, the disengaged couple were at
liberty to attend to the general conversation of the table. Mr. Bluster
and Mr. Slang kept the company in almost a constant roar, with
descriptions of scenes in court, in which _they_ had, of course, been
the principal actors; and according to their own accounts they must have
been wonderful fellows. Such botherers of judges--particularly aldermen
and police magistrates!--Such bafflers and browbeaters of
witnesses!--Such bamboozlers of juries!
You should have seen the sneering countenance of Hug all the while. He
never once smiled or laughed at the brilliant sallies of his brethren,
and did his best to prevent his new patron, Mr. Flaw, from doing
so--constantly putting his hand before his mouth, and whispering into
Mr. Flaw's ear at the very point of the joke or story--and the smile
would disappear from the countenance of Mr. Flaw.
The alderman laughed till the tears ran out of his little eyes, which he
constantly wiped with his napkin! Amid the general laughter and
excitement, Miss Quirk, leaning her chin on her hand, her elbow resting
on the table, several times directed soft, languishing looks towards
Titmouse, unobserved by any one but himself; and they were not entirely
unsuccessful, although Titmouse was wonderfully taken with the stories
of the two counsellors, and believed them to be two of the greatest men
he had ever seen or heard of, and at the head of their profession.
"'Pon my soul--I hope, sir, you'll have those two gents in _my_ case?"
said he, earnestly, to Gammon.
"Unfortunately, your case will not come on in their courts," said
Gammon, with a very expressive smile.
"Why, can't it come on where I choose?--or when you like?" inquired
Titmouse, surprisedly.
Mr. Quirk had been soured during the whole of dinner, for he had
anxiously desired to have Titmouse sit beside him at the bottom of the
table; but in the little hubbub attendant upon coming down to dinner and
taking places, Titmouse slipped out of sight for a minute; and when all
were placed, Quirk's enraged eye perceived him seated in the middle of
the table, beside Gammon. Gammon _always_ got hold of Titmouse!--Old
Quirk could have flung a decanter at his head.--In his own house!--at
his own table! Always anticipating and circumventing him.
"Mr. Quirk, I don't think we've taken a glass of wine together yet, have
we?" said Gammon, blandly and cordially, at the same time pouring one
out for himself. He perfectly well knew what was annoying his respected
partner, whose look of quaint embarrassment, when so suddenly assailed,
infinitely amused him. "Catch me asking you here again, Master Gammon,"
thought Quirk, "with Titmouse!" The reason why Mr. Snap had not been
asked was, that Quirk had some slight cause to suspect his having
presumptuously conceived the notion of paying his addresses to Miss
Quirk--a thing at any time not particularly palatable to Mr. Quirk; but
in the present conjuncture of circumstances quite out of the question,
and intolerable even in idea. Snap was not slow in guessing the reason
of his exclusion, which had greatly mortified, and also not a little
alarmed him. As far as he could venture, he had, during the week,
endeavored to "set" Titmouse "against" Miss Quirk, by such faint
disparaging remarks and insinuations as he dared venture upon with so
difficult a subject as Titmouse, whom he at the same time inflamed by
representations of the splendid matches he might very soon command among
the highest women of the land. By these means Snap had, to a certain
extent, succeeded; but the few melting glances which had fallen upon
Titmouse's sensitive bosom from the eyes of Miss Quirk, were beginning
to operate a slight change in his feelings. The old alderman, on an
intimation that the "ladies were going to withdraw," laid violent hands
on Miss Quirk, (he was a "privileged" old fool,) and insisted on her
singing his favorite song--"_My Friend and Pitcher_"!! His request was
so warmly seconded by the rest of the company--Titmouse loud and eager
as any--that she was fain to comply. She sang with some sweetness, and
much self-possession; and carried Titmouse's feelings along with her
from the beginning, as Gammon, who was watching him, perceived.
"Most uncommon lovely gal, isn't she?" whispered Titmouse, with great
vivacity.
"Very!" replied Gammon, dryly, with a slight smile.
"Shall I call out _encore_? A'n't that the word? 'pon my soul, most
lovely gal! She _must_ sing it again!"
"No, no--she wishes to go--'tis not usual: she will sing it for you, I
dare say, this evening, if you ask her."
"Well--most charming gal!--Lovely!"----
"Have patience, my dear Titmouse," said Gammon, in a low whisper, "in a
few months' time you'll soon be thrown into much higher life than even
_this_--among _really_ beautiful, and rich, and accomplished
women"--[and, _thought_ Gammon, you'll resemble a monkey that has found
his way into a rich tulip-bed!]
"Fancy that girl Tag-rag standing beside Miss Quirk!" whispered
Titmouse, scornfully.
"Ha, ha!" gently laughed Gammon--"both of them, in their way, are very
worthy persons; but"--Here the ladies withdrew. 'Twas no part of
Gammon's schemes, that Titmouse should become the son-in-law of either
Quirk or Tag-rag. Mr. Gammon had formed already, vastly different plans
for him!
As soon as Quirk had taken the head of the table, and the gentlemen
drawn together, the bottles were pushed round very briskly, accompanied
by no fewer than three different sorts of snuff-boxes, all belonging to
Mr. Quirk--all of them presents from grateful Old Bailey clients! One
was a huge affair, of Botany Bay wood, with a very flaming inscription
on the inside of the lid; from which it appeared that its amiable
donors, who were trying the effect of a change of climate on their moral
health at the expense of a grateful country, owed their valuable lives
to the professional skill and exertions of "Caleb Quirk, Esq." In short,
the other two were trophies of a similar description, of which their
possessor was very justly not a little proud; and as he saw Titmouse
admiring them, it occurred to him as very possible that, within a short
time, he should be in possession of a magnificent _gold_ snuff-box, in
acknowledgment of the services he should have rendered to his
distinguished guest and client. Titmouse was in the highest possible
spirits. This, his first glimpse into high life, equalled all his
expectations. Round and round went the bottles--crack went joke after
joke. Slang sang song upon song, of, however, so very coarse and broad a
character as infinitely disgusted Gammon, and apparently shocked the
alderman;--though I greatly distrust that old sinner's sincerity in the
matter. Then Ghastly's performances commenced. Poor fellow! he exerted
himself to the utmost to earn the good dinner he had just devoured; but
when he was in the very middle of one of his most impassioned
scenes--undoubtedly "tearing a passion to rags,"--Mr. Quirk interrupted
impatiently--"Come, come, Ghastly, we've had enough of _that_ sort of
thing--it don't suit--d'ye see--at all!--Lord bless us!--don't _roar_
so, man!"
Poor Ghastly instantly resumed his seat, with a chagrined and melancholy
air.
"Give us something funny," snuffled the alderman.
"Let's have the chorus of Pigs and Ducks," said Quirk; "you do that
_remarkable_ well. I could fancy the animals were running, and
squealing, and quacking all about the room!" The actor respectfully did
as he was desired, commencing with a sigh, and was much applauded. At
length Gammon happened to get into a discussion with Mr. Bluster upon
some point connected with the Habeas Corpus Act, in which our friend
Gammon, who never got heated in discussion, and was very accurate in
whatever he knew, had glaringly the best of it. His calm, smiling
self-possession almost drove poor Bluster frantic. The less he knew, of
course the louder he talked, the more vehement and positive he became;
at length offering a _bet_ that there was no such thing as a writ of
_Habeas Corpus_ before the time of Charles II.;[20] at which Gammon
bowed, smiled, and closed the discussion. While engaged in it, he had of
course been unable to keep his eye upon Titmouse, who drank,
consequently, claret, port, sherry, and madeira, like a little fish,
never letting the decanter pass him. Every one about him filled his
glass every time--why should not he?
Hug sat next to Viper; feared him, and avoided discussion with him; for,
though they agreed in the lowest Radical politics, they had a personal
antipathy each to the other. In spite of their wishes, they at length
got entangled in a very virulent controversy, and said so many insulting
things to each other, that the rest of the company, who had for some
time been amused, got at length--not disgusted--but alarmed, for the
possible results--fully expecting the exchange of a brace of
wine-glasses against each other's heads! Mr. Quirk therefore interfered.
"Bravo! bravo! bravo!" he exclaimed, as Viper concluded a most envenomed
passage, "that will do, Viper--whip it into the next _Flash_--'t will be
a capital leader! It will produce a sensation! And in the mean time,
gentlemen, let me request you to fill your glasses--bumpers--for I have
a toast to propose, in which you'll all feel interested when you hear
who's the subject of it. It is a gentleman who is likely soon to be
elevated to a station which Nature has formed him--hem! hem!--to
adorn"----
"Mr. Quirk's proposing your health, Titmouse!" whispered Gammon to his
companion, who, having been very restless for some time, had at length
become quite silent--his head resting on his hand, his elbow on the
table--his eyes languidly half open, and his face exceedingly pale.
Gammon saw that he was, in truth, in an exceedingly ticklish condition.
"I--wish--you'd--let me--go out--I'm devilish ill"--said Titmouse,
faintly. Gammon made a signal to Quirk, who instantly ceased his speech;
and coming down to Titmouse, he and Gammon hastily led that gentleman
out of the room and into the nearest bed-chamber, where he began to be
very ill indeed, and so continued for several hours. Old Quirk, who was
a long-headed man, was delighted by this occurrence; for he saw that if
he insisted on Titmouse's being put to bed, and passing the night--and
perhaps the next day--at Alibi House, it would enable Miss Quirk to
bring her attractions to bear upon him effectively, by exhibiting those
delicate and endearing attentions which are so soothing and indeed
necessary to an invalid. Titmouse continued desperately indisposed
during the whole of the night; and, early in the morning, it was thought
advisable to send for a medical man, who pronounced Titmouse to be in
danger of a bilious fever, and to require rest and care and medical
attendance for some days to come. This was rather "too much of a good
thing" for old Quirk; but there was no remedy. Foreseeing that Titmouse
would be thrown constantly, for some little time to come, into Miss
Quirk's company, her prudent parent enjoined upon Mrs. Alias, his
sister, the necessity of impressing on his daughter's mind the great
uncertainty which, after all, existed as to Titmouse's prospects; and
the consequent necessity there was for her to regulate her conduct with
a view to either failure or success--to keep her affections, as it were,
in abeyance. But the fact was, that Miss Quirk had so often heard the
subject of Titmouse's brilliant expectations talked of by her father,
and knew so well his habitual prudence and caution, that she looked upon
Titmouse's speedy possession of ten thousand a-year as a matter almost
of certainty. She was a girl of some natural shrewdness, but of an early
inclination to maudlin sentimentality. Had she been blest with the
vigilant and affectionate care of a mother as she grew up, (that parent
having died when Miss Quirk was but a child,) and been thrown among a
set of people different from those who constantly visited at Alibi
House--and of whom a very _favorable_ specimen has been laid before the
reader--Miss Quirk might really have become a very sensible and
agreeable girl. As it was, her manners had contracted a certain
coarseness, which at length overspread her whole character; and the
selfish and mercenary motives by which she could not fail to perceive
all her father's conduct regulated, gradually infected herself. She
resolved, therefore, to be governed by the considerations so urgently
pressed upon her by both her father and her aunt.
It was several days before Titmouse was allowed, by his medical man, to
quit his bedroom; and it is impossible for any woman not to be touched
by the sight of a sudden change effected in a man's appearance by severe
indisposition and suffering, even be that man so poor a creature as
Titmouse. He was very pale, and considerably reduced by the serious
nature of the attack, and of the powerful treatment with which it had
been encountered. When he made his first appearance before Miss Quirk,
one afternoon, with somewhat feeble gait, and a languid air which
mitigated, if it did not obliterate, the foolish and conceited
expression of his features, she really regarded him with something akin
to interest; and, though she might hardly have owned it even to herself,
his expected good fortune invested him with a sort of subdued radiance.
_Ten thousand a-year_!--Miss Quirk's heart fluttered! By the time that
he was well enough to take his departure, she had, at his request, read
over to him nearly half of that truly interesting work,--the Newgate
Calendar; she had sung to him and played to him whatever he asked her;
and, in short, she felt that if she could but be certain that he would
gain his great lawsuit, and step into ten thousand a-year, she could
_love_ him. She insisted, on the day of his quitting Alibi House, that
he should write in her album; and he very readily complied. It was
nearly ten minutes before he could get a pen to suit him. At length he
succeeded, and left the following interesting memento of himself in the
very centre of a fresh page:--
"Tittlebat Titmouse Is My name,
England Is My Nation,
London Is My dwelling-Place,
And Christ Is My Salvation.
"TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE,
"halibi lodge."
Miss Quirk turned pale with astonishment and vexation on seeing this
elegant and striking addition to her album. Titmouse, on the contrary,
looked at it with no little pride; for having had a capital pen, and his
heart being in his task, he had produced what he conceived to be a very
superior specimen of penmanship: in fact, the signature was by far the
best he had ever written. When he had gone, Miss Quirk was twenty times
on the point of tearing out the leaf which had been so dismally
disfigured; but on her father coming home in the evening, he laughed
heartily--"and as to tearing it out," said he, "let us first see which
way the verdict goes!"
Titmouse became, after this, a pretty frequent visitor at Alibi House;
growing more and more attached to Miss Quirk, who, however, conducted
herself towards him with much judgment. His inscription on her album had
done a vast deal towards cooling down the ardor with which she had been
disposed to regard even the future owner of ten thousand a-year. Poor
Snap seemed to have lost all chance, being treated with greater coldness
by Miss Quirk on every succeeding visit to Alibi House. At this he was
sorely discomfited; for she would have whatever money her father might
die possessed of, besides a commanding interest in the partnership
business. 'T was a difficult thing for him to preserve his temper under
such circumstances, in his close intimacy with Titmouse, who had so
grievously interfered with his prospects.
The indisposition I have been mentioning, prevented Titmouse from paying
his promised visit to Satin Lodge. On returning to his lodgings from
Alibi House, he found that Tag-rag had either called or sent every day
to inquire after him with the most affectionate anxiety; and one or two
notes lying on his table apprised him of the lively distress which the
ladies of Satin Lodge were enduring on his account, and implored him to
lose not a moment in communicating the state of his health, and
personally assuring them of his safety. Though the image of Miss Quirk
was continually before his eyes, Titmouse, nevertheless, had cunning
enough not to drop the slightest hint to the Tag-rags of the true state
of his feelings. Whenever any inquiry, with ill-disguised anxiety, was
made by Mrs. Tag-rag concerning Alibi House and its inmates, Titmouse
would, to be sure, mention Miss Quirk, but in such a careless and
slighting way as gave great consolation and encouragement to Tag-rag,
his wife, and daughter. "Miss Quirk," he said, "was well enough--but
devilish fat!"--When at Mr. Quirk's, he spoke somewhat unreservedly of
the amiable inmates of Satin Lodge. These two mansions were almost the
only private residences visited by Titmouse, who spent his time much in
the way which I have already described. How he got through his _days_ I
can hardly tell. At his lodgings he got up very late, and went to bed
very late. He never read anything excepting occasionally a song-book
lent him by Snap, or a novel, or some such book as "Boxiana," from the
circulating library, and the _Sunday Flash_. Dawdling over his dress and
his breakfast, then whistling and humming and looking out of the window,
took up so much of every day as he passed at his lodgings. The rest was
spent in idling about the town, looking in at shop windows, and now and
then going to some petty exhibition--as of sparring, cock-fighting, etc.
When evening came, he was generally joined by Snap, when they would
spend the night together in the manner I have already described. As
often as he dared, he called at Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap's office
at Saffron Hill, worrying them not a little by inquiries concerning the
state of his affairs, and the cause of the delay in commencing
proceedings. As for Huckaback, by the way, Titmouse cut him entirely;
saying that he was a devilish low fellow, and it was no use knowing him.
He made many desperate efforts, both personally and by letter, to renew
his acquaintance with Titmouse, but in vain. I may as well mention, by
the way, that as soon as Snap got scent of the little money transaction
between his friend and Huckaback, he called upon the latter, and
tendering him twelve shillings, demanded up the document which he had
extorted from Titmouse. Huckaback held out obstinately for some
time--but Snap was too much for him, and talked in such a formidable
strain about an indictment for a conspiracy (!) and fraud, that
Huckaback at length consented, on receiving twelve shillings, to deliver
up the document to Snap, on condition of Snap's destroying it on the
spot. This was done, and so ended all intercourse--at least on this side
of the grave--between Titmouse (as far, at least, as _his_ intentions
went) and Huckaback.
The sum allowed by Messrs. Quirk and Gammon to Titmouse, was amply
sufficient to have kept him in comfort; but it never would have enabled
him to lead the kind of life which I have described--and he would
certainly have got very awkwardly involved, had it not been for the
kindness of Snap in advancing him, from time to time, such sums as his
exigencies required. In fact, matters went on as quietly and smoothly as
possible for several months--till about the middle of November; when an
event occurred which seemed to threaten the total demolition of all his
hopes and expectations.
He had not seen or heard from Messrs. Quirk or Gammon for nearly a
fortnight; Snap he had not seen for nearly a week. At length he ventured
to make his appearance at Saffron Hill, and was received with a
startling coldness--a stern abruptness of manner--which frightened him
out of his wits. All the three partners were alike--as for Snap, the
contrast between his present and his former manner, was perfectly
shocking: he seemed quite another person. The fact was, that the full
statement of Titmouse's claims had been laid before Mr. Subtle, the
leading counsel retained in his behalf, for his opinion on the case
generally, before actually commencing proceedings; and the partners were
indeed thunderstruck on receiving that opinion; for Mr. Subtle pointed
out a radical deficiency of proof in a matter which, as soon as their
attention was thus pointedly called to it, Messrs. Quirk and Gammon were
amazed at their having overlooked, and still more at its having escaped
the notice of Mr. Tresayle, Mr. Mortmain, and Mr. Frankpledge. Mr. Quirk
hurried with the opinion to the first two of these gentlemen; and after
a long interview with each, they owned their fears that Mr. Subtle was
right, and that the defect seemed incurable; but they easily satisfied
their agitated clients, that _they_--the aforesaid Messrs. Tresayle and
Mortmain--had been guilty of neither oversight nor ignorance, inasmuch
as the matter in question was one of _evidence_ only--one which a _nisi
prius_ lawyer, with a full detail of "proofs" before him, could hardly
fail to light upon--but which, it would be found, had been _assumed_,
and _taken for granted_, in the cases laid before conveyancers. They
promised, however, to turn it over in their minds, and to let Messrs.
Quirk and Gammon know if anything occurred to vary their impression. A
week elapsed, however, and Mr. Tresayle and Mr. Mortmain preserved an
ominous silence. As for Frankpledge, he had a knack, somehow or another,
of always coming to the conclusion wished and hoped for by his clients;
and, after prodigious pains, he wrote a very long opinion, to show that
there was nothing in the objection. Neither Mr. Quirk nor Mr. Gammon
could understand the process by which Mr. Frankpledge arrived at such a
result; but, in despair, they laid his opinion before Mr. Subtle, in the
shape of a further "Case for his Opinion." It was in a few days' time
returned to them, with only a line or two--thus:--
"I see no reason whatever to depart from the view I have already
taken of this case.--J. S."
Here was something like a dead lock, indeed!
"We're _done_, Gammon!" said Quirk, with a dismayed air. Gammon seemed
lost, and made no answer.
"Does anything--eh?" quoth Quirk, with a troubled air. "_Any_thing occur
to you? Gammon, I _will_ say this for you--you're a long-headed fellow!"
Still Gammon spoke not.
"Gammon! Gammon! I really believe--ah?--you--you--begin to see
something--don't you?"
"_It's to be_ DONE, Mr. Quirk!" said Gammon, at length, with a grave and
apprehensive look, and a cheek which had suddenly grown pale.
"Eh? how? Oh, I see!--Know what you mean, Gammon," replied Quirk, with a
hurried whisper, glancing at both doors to see that they were safe.
"We must resume our intercourse with Titmouse, and let matters go on as
before," said Gammon, with a very anxious, but, at the same time, a
determined air.
"I--I wonder if what has occurred to _you_ is what has occurred to me?"
inquired Quirk, in an eager whisper.
"Pooh! pooh! Mr. Quirk."
"Gammon, dear Gammon, no mystery! You know I have a very deep stake in
this matter!"
"So have I, Mr. Quirk," replied Gammon, with a sigh. "However"--Here the
partners put their heads close together, and whispered to each other in
a low, earnest tone, for some minutes. Quirk rose from his seat, and
took two or three turns about the room in silence, Gammon watching him
calmly.
To his inexpressible relief and joy, within a few hours of the happening
of the above colloquy, Titmouse found himself placed on precisely his
former footing with Messrs. Quirk, Gammon, and Snap.
In order to bring on the cause for trial at the next spring assizes, it
was necessary that the declaration in ejectment should be served on the
tenant in possession before Hilary term; and, in a matter of such
magnitude, it was deemed expedient that Snap should proceed to
Yorkshire, and personally effect the service in question. In
consequence, also, of some very important suggestions as to the
evidence, given by the junior in the cause, (Mr. Lynx,) it was arranged
that Snap should go down about a week before the time fixed upon for
effecting the service, and make quietly certain minute inquiries in the
neighborhood of Yatton. As soon as Titmouse had heard of this
movement--that Snap was going direct to Yatton, the scene of his,
Titmouse's, future greatness--he made the most pertinacious and vehement
entreaties to Messrs. Quirk and Gammon to be allowed to accompany him,
even going down on his knees. There was no resisting this; but they
exacted from him a solemn pledge that he would place himself entirely at
the disposal of Mr. Snap; go under some feigned name, and, in short,
neither say nor do anything tending to disclose their real character or
errand.
Snap and Titmouse established themselves at the Hare and Hounds Inn at
Grilston; and the former immediately began, cautiously and quietly, to
collect such evidence as he could discover. One of the first persons to
whom he went was old Blind Bess. His many pressing questions at length
stirred up in the old woman's mind faint confused recollections of
long-forgotten names, persons, places, scenes, and associations, thereby
producing an agitation not easily to be got rid of, and which had by no
means subsided when Dr. Tatham and Mr. Aubrey paid her the Christmas-day
visit, which has been described.