Produced by Al Haines
[Frontispiece: Cover Art--Sandy]
MY MAN SANDY
BY
J. B. SALMOND
SIXTH EDITION
SANDS & CO.
EDINBURGH: 37 GEORGE STREET
LONDON: 15 KING STREET, COVENT GARDEN
1919
PREFACE.
These sketches are taken from a series written originally for newspaper
purposes. Revision of them has made their author keenly conscious of
their defects; but Bawbie and Sandy are characters who might be
completely spoiled by improvement. The sketches are therefore
presented as they were hastily "rubbed-in" for serial publication.
The "foo," "far," "fat," and "fan" of the Angus dialect have been
changed into the more classic "hoo," "whaur," &c.; otherwise the
sketches remain in the form in which they have gained quite an
unexpected popularity amongst Scottish readers both at home and abroad.
ARBROATH, N.B.,
_April, 1889._
CONTENTS.
I. SANDY SWAPS HIS POWNEY
II. SANDY STARTS TO STUDY GEOMETRY
III. SANDY AND THE DINNER BELL
IV. A TALK ABOUT HEAVEN
V. MISTRESS MIKAVER'S TEA PARTY
VI. SANDY'S SECOND LESSON IN GEOMETRY
VII. SANDY'S MAGIC LANTERN EXHIBITION
VIII. SANDY AND THE RHUBARB TART
IX. THE GREAT STORM OF NOVEMBER, 1893
X. SANDY AND HIS FAIRNTICKLES
XI. SANDY STANDS "EMPIRE" AT A CRICKET MATCH
XII. A DREADFUL DISASTER IN THE GARRET
XIII. SANDY AND BAWBIE'S SPRING HOLIDAY
XIV. LOVE AND WAR
XV. SANDY MAKES A SPEECH
XVI. SANDY'S CHRISTMAS PRESENT
XVII. AT THE SELECT CHOIR'S CONCERT
XVIII. SANDY RUNS A RACE
XIX. SANDY REVENGED
XX. SANDY'S APOLOGIA
MY MAN SANDY.
I
SANDY SWAPS HIS POWNEY.
He's a queer cratur, my man Sandy! He's made, mind an' body o' him, on
an original plan a'thegither. He says an' does a' mortal thing on a
system o' his ain; Gairner Winton often says that if Sandy had been in
the market-gardenin' line, he wudda grown his cabbage wi' the stocks
aneth the ground, juist to lat them get the fresh air aboot their
ruits. It's juist his wey, you see. I wudna winder to see him some
day wi' Donal' yokit i' the tattie-cairt wi' his heid ower the fore-end
o't, an' the hurdles o' him whaur his heid shud be. I've heard Sandy
say that he had an idea that a horse cud shuve far better than poo; an'
when Sandy ance gets an idea intil his heid, there's some beast or body
has to suffer for't afore he gets redd o't. If there's a crank wey o'
doin' onything Sandy will find it oot. For years he reg'larly flang
the stable key ower the gate efter he'd brocht oot Donal' an' the
cairt. When he landit hame again, he climbed the gate for the key, an'
syne climbed ower again an' opened it frae the ootside. He michta
carried the key in his pooch; but onybody cudda dune that! But, as I
was sayin', it's juist his wey.
"It's juist the shape original sin's ta'en in Sandy's case," the
Gairner said when the Smith an' him were discussin' the subject.
"I dinna ken aboot the sin; but it's original eneuch, there's nae doot
aboot that," said the Smith.
There's naebody kens that better than me, for I've haen the teuch end
o' forty year o't. But, still an' on, he's my ain man, the only ane
ever I had, an' I'll stick up for him, an' till him, while the lamp
holds on to burn, as the Psalmist says.
* * * * * *
"See if I can say my geog, Bawbie," said Nathan to me the ither
forenicht, as I was stanin' in the shop. He'd been sittin' ben the
hoose wi' his book croonin' awa' till himsel' aboot Rooshya bein'
boundit on the north by the White Sea, an' on the sooth by the Black
Sea, an' some ither wey by the Tooral-ooral mountains or something, an'
he cam' ben an' handed me his geog, as he ca'd it, to see if he had a'
this palaver on his tongue.
I've often windered what was the use o' Nathan wirryin' ower thae
oot-o'-the-wey places that he wud never be within a thoosand mile o'.
He kens a' the oots an' ins o' Valiparaiso, but michty little aboot
Bowriefauld. Hooever, I suppose the dominie kens best.
Nathan was juist busy pointin' oot the place to me in his book when
there was a terriple rattlin' oot on the street, an' aff he hookited to
see what was ado. He thocht it was a marriage, an' that there micht be
a chance o' some heys aboot the doors. What was my consternation when
the reeshlin' an' rattlin' stoppit at the shop door, an' I heard
Sandy's voice roarin', "Way-wo, haud still, wo man, wo-o-o, will ye!"
"What i' the face o' the earth's ado noo?" says I to mysel'; an' I goes
my wa's to the door. Sandy had been up at Munromont for a load o'
tatties. When I gaed to the door, here he was wi' a thing atween the
shafts o' his cairt that lookit like's it had been struck wi' forkit
lichtnin'.
"What hae ye dune wi' Donal', Sandy?" I speered.
"Cadger Gowans an' me's haen a swap," says Sandy, climbin' oot at the
back o' the cairt, an' jookin' awa' roond canny-weys to the horse's
heid.
"Wo, Princie," he says, pettin' oot his hand. "Wo, the bonnie laddie!"
Princie, as he ca'd him, ga'e a gley roond wi' the white o' his e'e
that garred Sandy keep a gude yaird clear o' him.
"He's a grand beast," he says, comin' roond to my side; "a grand beast!
Three-quarters bred, an' soond in wind and lim'. I got a terriple
bargain o' him. I ga'e Gowans Donal' an' thirty shillin's, an' he ga'e
me a he tortyshall kitlin' to the bute--the only ane i' the
countryside. He's genna hand it in the morn."
There was nae want o' soond in Princie's wind at ony rate. I saw that
in a minute. He was whistlin' like a lerik.
"He sooks wind a little when he has a lang rin," says Sandy; "but
that's nether here nor there. He's haen a teenge or twa, an' he's
akinda foondered afore, an' a little spavie i' the aft hent leg; but
I'll shune pet that a' richt wi' gude guidin'. He's a grand beast, I
tell ye!"
Sandy stood an' lookit first up at the horse an' then doon at his
cairt. "He's gey high for the wheels," he says; "but, man, he's a
grand beast. He cam hame frae Glesterlaw juist like a bird. Never
turned a hair. He's a grand beast."
"Hoo mony legs has he, Sandy?" says I, lookin' at the great, big,
ravelled-lookin' brute. He was a' twisted here and there, an' the legs
o' him lookit for a' the world juiat like bits o' crunckled water-hose.
The cairt appeared to be haudin' him up, raither than him haudin' up
the cairt; an' he was restin' the thrawn legs o' him time aboot, juist
like a cock stanin' amon' snaw. "Ye shudda left that billie at the
knackers at Glesterlaw, Sandy," says I, I says. "I'm dootin' ye'll
ha'e back to tak' him there afore him or you's muckle aulder."
"Tyach! Haud your lang tongue," says Sandy. "Speak aboot things ye
ken something aboot. Wait till the morn. Ye'll see I'll get roond my
roonds an' a' my tatties delivered in half the time. I'll ha'e rid o'
a' my tatties an' be hame gin ane o'clock, instead o' dotterin' awa'
wi' a lazy brute like Donal'. I'll beat ye onything ye like, Gowans
'ill be ruin' his bargain gin this time; but he'll no' get him back
noo. I'll go an' see an' get Princie stabled."
Sandy gaed inby to the shafts, but he sprang back when Princie ga'e a
squeek an' garred his heels play tnack on the boddom o' the cairt.
"That's the breedin'," says Sandy, gaen awa' roond to the ither side o'
the cairt.
"It soonded to me like the boddom o' the cairt, as far as I cud hear,"
says I, I says; but Sandy never lut on.
The brute had a nesty e'e in its heid. It turned roond wi' a
vegabon'-like look aye when Sandy gaed near't. He got up on the front
efter a while, an' ga'e the reinds a tit, an' Princie began to do a bit
jeeg, garrin' Sandy bowse aboot on the front o' the cairt like's he was
foo. Sandy ga'e him a clap on the hurdles to quieten him, but aye the
hent feet o' him played skelp on the boddom o' the cairt, till I thocht
he wudda haen't ca'd a' to bits. Syne awa' he gaed full bung a' o' a
sudden, wi' Sandy rowin' aboot amon' the tatties, an' hingin' in by the
reinds, roarin', "Wo! haud still," an' so on. Gin he got to the fit o'
the street there was a dozen laddies efter him; screamin', "Come on you
lads, an' see Sandy Bowden's drumadairy. By crivens, he's gotten a
richt horse for Donal', noo."
Sandy didna come up frae the stable till near-hand eleven o'clock, an'
I didna say ony mair aboot his braw horse. I've heard the minister
say, it's the unexpectit that happens. That's aye the way wi' Sandy, I
can tell you. I aye expect that something will happen wi' him that I'm
no' expectin'; so I find it best juist to lat him aleen.
Next mornin' he gaed awa' gey early to get yokit, an' he took Bandy
Wobster wi' him to gi'e him a hand. It was twa strucken 'oors afore he
got to the shop door wi' the cairt, an' baith him an' the horse were
sweitin' afore they startit on his roonds. Sandy was lookin' gey
raised like, so I lut him get on a' his tatties an' said naething.
Stumpie Mertin cam' by, an', lookin' at Princie, gae his heid a claw.
"What are ye stanin' glowerin' at?" says Sandy till him, gey snappit
like.
"Whaur did ye get that hunger'd-lookin' radger, Sandy?" says he. "That
beast's no' fit for gaen aboot. The Cruelty to Animals 'ill nip you,
as shure's you're a livin' man."
"Tak' care 'at they dinna nip you, for haein' a wid leg," says Sandy,
as raised as a wasp. "Awa' oot o' that, an' mind your ain bisness."
"That's been stealt oot ahent some menagerie caravan," says Stumpie;
an' awa' he gaed dilpin' like's he'd made a grand joke.
The policeman cam' doon an' settled himsel' aboot ten yairds awa' frae
Princie, put his hands ahent his back, set forrit his heid like's he
was gaen awa' to putt somebody, an' took a lang look at him. "That's a
clinker, Sandy," says he. "That billie 'ill cover the grund."
I didna ken whether the bobbie meant rinnin' ower the grund, or
coverin't efter he was turned into gooana or bane-dust; but I saw the
lauch in his sleeve a' the same.
Gairner Winton cam' doon the street at the same time, an' the bobby an'
him startit to remark aboot Sandy's horse.
"A gude beast, nae doot," says the Gairner; "but Sandy's been gey lang
o' buyin' him.'
"He's bocht him gey sune, I'm thinking," says the policeman. "Gin he'd
waited a fortnicht, he'd gotten him at twintypence the hunderwecht."
Sandy never lut dab 'at he heard them. The cairt was a' ready an'
Sandy got up on the front and startit. A' gaed richt till he got to
the Loan, when Princie startit to trot. The rattlin' o' the scales at
the back o' the cairt fleggit him, an' aff he set at full tear, the
lang skranky legs o' him wallopin' about like torn cloots atween him
an' the grund. A gude curn wives were oot waitin' their tatties, an'
they roared to Sandy to stop; but Sandy cudna. The tatties were
fleein' ower the back door o' the cairt, an' the scales were rattlin'
an' reeshlin' like an earthquake; an' there was Sandy, bare-heided, up
to the knees amon' his tatties, ruggin' an' roarin', like the skipper
o' some schooner that was rinnin' on the rocks. I'll swear, Sandy got
roond his roonds an' a' his tatties delivered in less than half the
time Donal' took! The wives an' laddies were gaitherin' up the tatties
a' the wey to Tutties Nook; and gin Sandy got to the milestane his
cairt was tume. By this time Princie was fair puffed out, an' he
drappit i' the middle o' the road, Sandy gaen catma ower the tap o' him.
Donal's back till his auld job! Sandy lost thirty shillin's an' a
cairt-load o' tatties ower the heid o' Princie; an' as for the he
tortyshall kitlin', I've never heard nor seen hint nor hair o't.
II.
SANDY STARTS TO STUDY GEOMETRY.
"Man, Bawbie, I think I'll see an' get into the Toon Cooncil some o'
thae days," says Sandy to me the ither forenicht. "Me an' some o' the
rest o' the chaps have been haein' a bit o' an argeyment i' the
washin'-house this nicht or twa back, an' I tell you, I can gabble awa'
aboot public questions as weel's some o' them i' the Cooncil. I ga'e
them a bit screed on the watter question on Setarday nicht that garred
them a' gape; an' Dauvit Kenawee said there an' then that I shud see
an' get a haud o' the Ward Committee an' get a chance o' pettin' my
views afore them. They a' said I was a born spowter, an' that wi' a
little practice I cud speechify the half o' the Cooncil oot at the
door."
I hit Sandy blether awa' for a whilie, an' syne I strikes in, "Ay,
juist that, Sandy; but you'll mibby g'wa' an' get that tume saft soap
barrel scraipit oot, an' the wechts gi'en a black lead; an' we'll hear
aboot the Toon Cooncil efter your wark's dune."
"Oh, but I'll manish that, Bawbie," says he, gey snappish-like; "but
still a man wi' brains in's heid canna juist be setisfeed wi' saft soap
an' black lead a'thegither."
"Ow weel," says I, "you wud mibby fa' in wi' a fell lot o' baith o'
them, even i' the Toon Cooncil. When you're wantin' a favour, a little
saft soap--altho' it's only scraipins--is sometimes a very handy thing
to hae; an' if you dinna get what you want, you can pet on the black
lead syne. There's a fell lot o' that kind o' thing gaen on, an' nae
mistak'. There's Beylie Thingymabob, for instance--but, of coorse,
that's no' the point----"
"What I was sayin'," brock in Sandy, "was that when a man's heid's fu'
o' brains, an' them wirkin' juist like barm, he maun hae some
occupation for his intelleck, or his facilties 'ill gie wey. There's
Bandy Wobster, for instance, tak's up his heid wi' gomitry an'
triangles an' siclike, juist 'cause he has some brains in his heid, an'
maun occupy them; an' what for no' me as weel?"
"Gomitry an' triangles!" says I. "Ye'll mibby be for into the flute
band next, are ye? Weel, I'll tell you this--I ken naething aboot the
gomitry, or what like a thing it is; but if you bring ony o' your
triangles here, wi' there ping ping-pinkey-pingin', I'll pet them doon
the syre; that's what I'll do. I like music o' near ony kind. I can
pet up wi' the melodian or the concertina; but yon triangle thing I
wudna hae i' the hoose. You can tell Bandy Wobster he can keep his
triangles for his parrots swingin' on. We want neen o' them here."
"Tut, Bawbie, 'oman," says Sandy, "you're juist haiverin' straucht
forrit. It's no' flute band triangles I mean ava. It's the anes you
see in books--a' shapes an' sizes, ye know. Bandy learned a' aboot
them when he was at the sea. Sailors learn aboot them for measurin'
hoo far onywey is frae ony ither wey, d'ye know, d'ye see? Bandy tells
me that gomitry--that's what they ca' the book fu' o' triangles--is a
grand thing for learnin' you to speak; an' he offered to gi'e me a
lesson or twa."
"That'll be whaur Bandy gets a' his gab," says I. "I think, Sandy," I
says, says I, "that you've mair need to learn something to garr you
haud your tongue. You've nae need for learnin' to speak, weel-a-wat,
excep' it be to speak sense; an' I dinna suppose gomitry 'ill do you
ony guid that wey. It's made but a puir job o' Bandy Wobster, at
onyrate."
"That's a' you ken, Bawbie," says Sandy. "There's mair in Bandy than
the spune pets in; mind I'm tellin' you. He was tellin's aboot some o'
the exyems in gomitry lest nicht, an', I'll swag, he garred Cocky
Baxter, the auld dominie, chowl his chafts."
"Exyems!" says I. "Is that the same as exy-oey we used to play at on
oor sklates at the skule?"
"No, no, no, no, no," says Sandy. "What are you haiverin' aboot,
Bawbie? It's a different kind o' thing a'thegither. The first exyem
is that onything that's equal to the same thing as ony ither thing, is
equal to the thing that's equal to the thing to which the ither thing's
equal, d'ye know, d'ye see?"
"By faigs, Sandy," says I, "that's waur than exy-oey yet. What was't
you said?"
"It's as plain as twice-twa's fower, Bawbie, if you juist watch," says
Sandy. "If ae thing is equal till anither thing, an' the ither thing's
equal to some ither thing that's equal to the thing that the first
thing's equal till, then you can easy see that the ae thing 'ill be
equal to the ither, as weel as to the ither thing that they're baith
equal till."
I thocht Sandy was raley gettin' akinda lichtwecht, d'ye ken, for I cud
nether mak' heid nor tail o' his confused blethers.
"Keep me, Bawbie, do you no' see through't?" he says, glowerin' at me
wi' a queer-like look in his e'e. "Gie's three bawbees! Look now;
there's thae three bawbees. Weel than, here's twa here, an' there's
ane there. Noo, this ane here is equal to that ane there, an' this
ither ane here is equal to that ane there too; so that, when they're
baith equal to that ane, the teen maun be equal to the tither. A blind
bat cud see that wi' its een shut."
Sandy set himsel' up like's he'd pey'd a big account or something, an',
gien his heid a gey impident cock to the tae side, he says, "D'ye no'
see't?"
"See't?" says I, I says. "What wud bender's frae seein't? An' is
that what gomitry learns you?" says I.
"It is that," says Sandy. "That's the first exyem."
"Weel," says I, "it tak's a michty lang road to tell you what ony
three-'ear-auld bairn in the G-O goes cud tell you in a jiffy."
"Ah, but it's the mental dreel that's the vailable thing," says Sandy.
"It learns you to argey, d'ye no' see? If I had a glisk at gomitry for
a nicht or twa, an' got a puckle triangles an' parilelly grams into my
heid, I'll be fit to gie a scrieve on the watter question, or the
scaffies' wadges, that'll garr some o' oor Toon Cooncillers crook their
moos. Wait till you see!"
"Ay, Sandy," says I, "you'll go an' get the swine suppered an' your
ither jobs dune, an', gin ten o'clock were here, you'll get a coo's
drink, wi' plenty o' pepper in't, an' get to your bed. Thae
washin'-hoose argeymints are affectin' your nervous system, I'm
dootin'. Rin, noo, an' see an' stick in."
I raley thocht, mind you, the wey the cratur was haiverin', that he
wantit tippence i' the shillin'.
"I wad juist like you to hear ane o' oor debates, an' you'd cheenge
your opinion," says Sandy. "Bandy promised to tell's something the
morn's nicht aboot the postylate in gomitry. I juist wiss you heard
him."
"What wud there be to hear aboot that?" says I. "Oor ane's juist the
very same; he's near-hand aye late."
"Wha?" says Sandy, wi' a winderin' look in his e'e.
"Oor postie!" says I; "he's aye late. You'll of'en hear his whistle i'
the street when it's efter ten o'clock at nicht."
Sandy gaed shauchlin' oot at the door, chuck-chuck-chuckin' awa' till
himsel' like a clockin' hen, an' I didna see hint nor hair o' him for
mair than twa 'oors efter. But what cud ye expeck? That's juist aye
the wey o' thae men when they get the warst o't.
III.
SANDY AND THE DINNER BELL,
Crack aboot holidays! I tell you, I'd raither do a day's washin' an'
cleaning', ay, an' do the ironin' an' manglin' efter that, than face
anither holiday like what Sandy an' me had this week. Holiday! It's a
winder there wasna a special excursion comin' hame wi' Sandy's bur'al.
If that man's no' killed afore lang, he'll be gettin' in amon' thae
anarkist billies or something. I tell you he's fit eneuch for onything.
We took the cheap trip to Edinboro, juist to hae a bit look round the
metrolopis, as Sandy ca'd it to the fowk i' the train. He garred me
start twa-three times sayin't; I thocht he'd swallowed his pipe-shank,
he gae sic a babble.
We wasna weel startit afore he begude wi' his nonsense. There was a
young bit kimmerie an' a bairnie i' the carriage, an' the craturie grat
like onything. "I winder what I'll do wi' this bairn?" said the
lassie; an' Sandy, in the middle o' argeyin' wi' anither ass o' a man
that the Arbroath cricketers cud lick the best club i' the country,
says, rale impident like to the lassie, "Shuve't in ablo the seat."
"You hertless vegabon," says I; "think shame o' yoursel! Gie me the
bairnie," says I; an' I got the craturie cowshined an' quieted.
There was nae mair nonsense till we cam till a station in Fife wi' an'
awfu'-like name. I canna mind what it was, an' never will, I suppose.
The stationmester had an awfu' reed nose--most terriple.
"Is the strawberries a gude crap roond aboot here?" said Sandy till
him, out at the winda; an' you never heard what lauchin' as there was
on the pletform. The stationmester's face got as reed's his nose, an'
he ca'd Sandy for a' the impident whaups that ever travelled.
Sal, Sandy stack up till him, though; an' when the train moved awa' the
fowk hurrehed like's it had been a royal marriage. The stationmester
didna hurreh ony.
Gaen ower the Forth Brig I thocht twa-three times Sandy wud be oot at
the window heid-lang. I was juist in a fivver wi' him an' his ongaens.
Hooever, we landit a' richt in Edinboro. An' what a day! I thocht
when we got to a temperance hotel at nicht that I had a chance o' an
'oor's peace. But haud your tongue! Weesht! I'll juist gie you the
thick o' the story clean aff luif.
It was a rale comfortable-lookin' hoose, and we got a nice
clean-lookin' bedroom, an' efter a'thing was arranged, Sandy an' me
gaed awa' doon as far as Holyrood, whaur Queen Mary got ane o' her
fiddlers killed, an' whaur John Knox redd her up for carryin' on like a
pagan linkie instead o' the Queen o' Scotland. Weel, it was gey late
when we got back to oor hotel, an' we juist had a bit snack o' supper,
an' up the stair we gaed. We were three stairs up. We had a seat, an'
a crack an' a look oot at the winda, for we saw a lang wey ower the
toun, an' it was bonnie to watch the lichts twinklin' an' to hear the
soonds.
Twal o'clock chappit, an' we thocht it was time we were beddit. I was
anower, an' Sandy was juist a' ready, when he cudna fa' in wi' his
nichtkep. It was in a handbag o' Sandy's, and he had left it doon in
the lobby. Sandy canna sleep without his nichtkep--no' him!
"What am I genna do?" says Sandy. He was in his lang white nichtgoon,
and he gaed to the room door an' opened it. He lookit oot, but a'thing
was as quiet's death.
"I'll rin doon for't," says he; "a'body's beddit. I'll juist rin doon,
an' I'll bring up my umberell an' my hat at the same time, for fear
they micht be liftit. You never can tell."
Awa' doou the stairs he gaed in his lang nichtgoon, for a' the earth
juist like some corp escapit frae the kirkyaird. He wasna a meenit oot
when I dreedit something wud happen, an' I juist sat up tremblin' in
the bed.
Sandy got doon to the lobby a' richt; an' a'thing was dark, an' as
still's the grave. He scrammilt aboot till he got the bag; syne he
fand for his lum hat, an' put it on his heid. He got his umberell in
his oxter, an' the bag in his hand, an' then he fand roond juist to see
if there was naething else he had forgotten. By ill-fortune he cam' on
the handle o' the denner bell, an' liftin't, it ga'e a creesh an' a
clang that knokit a' the sense oot o' Sandy's heid, and wauken'd half
the fowk i' the hoose. Sandy took till his heels up the stair; an' a
gey like picture he was, wi' his lang, white sark-tails fleein' i' the
air, a lum hat on his heid, an umberell in his oxter, the bag in ae
hand, an' the denner bell i' the ither, bangin' an' clangin' at ilky
jump. It wudda frichten'd the very deevil himsel'. The stupid auld
fule had gotten that doited that he cam' fleein' awa' wi' the bell in
his hand.
There was a cry o' fire, and a scream o' murder, an' in half a meenit
the hotel was as busy as gin it had been broad daylicht. Sandy forgot
hoo mony stairs he had to clim', and he gaed bang in on an auld sea
captain an' his wife, in the room below oors. It fair paralised baith
o' them, when they saw Sandy comin' burst in on them wi' his black
tile, his white goon, his umberell an' bag, an' the denner bell.
"P'leece, p'leece," roared the captain an' his wife--an' Sandy oot at
the door. Awa' alang a passage he gaed, fleein' like a huntit tod. I
heard him as gin he'd been doon in the very bowels o' the earth cryin',
"Bawbie, Bawbie! Oh, whaur are ye, Bawbie?"
"Wha i' the earth is he, or what's ado wi' him?" I heard somebody speer.
"Gude kens," said anither voice. "It's shurely some milkman wi' the
bloo deevils."
"Milkman! What wud a milkman do wi' an umberell, a portmanty, an' a
lum hat?"
Juist at that meenit Sandy cam' fleein' alang the passage again, an' by
this time a' the fowk in the hotel were oot on the stairs. If you had
only seen the scrammel. They scoored doon the stairs, into pantries,
in below tables; the room doors were bangin' like thunder, an' Sandy's
bell was ringin' like's Gabriel had lost his trumpet. You never heard
sic a din. I saw him comin' leggin' up the stair. The stairheid was
fu' o' fowk, a' oot in their nicht-goons to see what was ado; but, I
can ashure you, when they saw Sandy comin' fleein' up, they shune
disappeared. Six policemen cudna scattered them so quick. He came
spankin' into my room, an' drappit intil a chair, fair oot o' pech.
"Oh, Bawbie, Bawbie!" he cried, "gi'e's a drink. Tak' that umberell,"
he says, haudin' oot the bell to me. "I've been fleein' a' roond
Edinboro wi' naething on but my nicht-goon, an' my lum, an' a' the coal
cairters i' the kingdom ringin' their bells at my tails. Sic a wey o'
doin'! O dear me! I wiss I was hame again! O dear me!"
"That's no an umberell, you doited fule," says I. "That's the denner
bell you've been fleein' aboot wi' i' your hand."
Sandy lookit at the bell; an' you never saw sic a face as he put on.
He lut it drap on the flure wi' a clash like a clap o' thunder, an' I
heard a crood o' fowk scurryin' awa' frae oor bedroom door.
I tell'd the landlord hoo the thing happened, an' next mornin' at
brakfast time you never heard sic lauchin'. A' the chaps were clappin'
Sandy on the shuder; an' ane o' them says--"Ay, man; it's no mony fowk
that tak's their lum hat an' their umberell to their bed wi' them."
But the auld skipper was the king amon' them a'. Hoo he raggit Sandy
aboot bein' a somnambulashinist or something.
"When you want to steal a denner bell," he said to Sandy, "carry't by
the tongue, man. It's safer that wey. Bells an' weemin are awfu'
beggars when their tongues get lowse."
The captain was rale taen wi' Sandy, an', mind you, he hired a cab an'
drave Sandy an' me a' roond the toon. He said he was bidin' in
Carnoustie, and he wadna hae a nasay but we wud come an' hae a cup o'
tea wi' him. "An' if you'll bide a' nicht," he said, "we'll be awfu'
pleased. An' I'll chain up the denner bell i' the dog's cooch juist
for that nicht."
Ay, weel! it's fine lauchin' noo when it's a' ower. But if you'd been
in my place, you wudna lauchen muckle, I'se warrant.
IV.
A TALK ABOUT HEAVEN.
Sandy got a terrible dose o' the cauld lest week. I never hardly saw
him so bad. He was ootbye at the plooin' match lest Wedensday, an'
he's hardly ever been ootower the door sin' syne. There was a nesty
plook cam' oot juist abune his lug on Setarday, an' he cudna get on his
lum hat; so he had to bide at hame a' Sabbath, an' he spent the feck o'
the day i' the hoose readin' Tammas Boston's "Power-fold State" an' the
"Pilgrim's Progress." Ye see, Sandy's a bit o' a theologian aye when
he's onweel. If he's keepit i' the hoose wi' a host or a sair heid,
Sandy juist tak's a dose o' medicin', an' starts to wirry awa' at
Bunyan or the Bible. He's a queer cratur that wey, for as halikit a
character as he is.
But we had a kind o' a kirk o' oor ain on Sabbath i' the forenicht, for
Dauvid Kenawee cam' in, an' syne Bandy Wobster; an' they werena weel
set doon when in cam' Jacob Teylor, the smith, an' Stumpie Mertin alang
wi' them. Gairner Winton cam' in to speer what had come ower Sandy,
for he hadna seen him at the kirk. Ye never saw sic a hoosefu'! Sandy
was sittin' at the fireside wi' an auld greatcoat an' a hairy bonnet
on, an' a' the sax o' them fell to the crackin', ye never heard the
like. Ye wudda really thocht it was a meetin' o' the Presbitree--they
were a' speaking that throwither.
"An' what was the minister on the nicht, Gairner?" I says, says I,
juist to stop them yabblin' aboot politicks, an' a' the like o' that
nonsense on Sabbath nicht.
"He had twa texts the nicht, Bawbie," said the Gairner. "He took the
wirds in Second Kings, second an' elevent, an' in Luke, nint an'
thirtieth, an' a fine discoorse he made o't, aboot Elijah bein' taen up
to heaven in the fiery chariot, an' comin' again a hunder or a thoosand
'ear efter, juist the same billie as he gaed awa'. He made oot that
we'd meet a' oor deid freends in heaven again, an' juist ken them the
same as though they'd only been awa' frae hame for a cheenge for a
while."
"I dinna haud wi' yon view o' the thing ava," said Bandy Wobster. "He
wud hae's a' believe that fowk never grow a bit aulder in heaven. The
thing appears to me to be ridic'lous. Elijah, a thoosand 'ear efter he
was taen up, cam' back withoot being a bit cheenged ether ae wey or
anither; that was his idea o't."
"It's a gey ticklish subjeck," put in the Smith; "but, faigs, lads, I
haud wi' the minister."
He's an awtu' nice, cowshis man the Smith. Ye wud sometimes think he
was meent for a minister, he says things that clever; an' a body aye
feels the better efter a crack wi' him.
"Ye see," he gaed on, "I wadna like it to be ony ither wey. Ye mind o'
my little Elsie? Puir lassie, it's--lat me see; ay, it's twal' 'ear
come Mertimas sin' she was taen awa'. Ay, man; an' she taen mair o' my
heart wi' her in her bit coffinie than she left ahent her. A bonnie
bit lassie she was, Bawbie, as ye'll mind. She was juist seven past
when she was taen awa'; an' when I meet her again, I wud like her to be
juist the same bonnie bit lassokie that cam' in wi' her pawlie that
Setarday efternune an' tell'd me she had a sair heid--the henmist sair
heid ever she was genna hae. Ye see, lads, if Elsie was growin' aulder
in heaven, she wud be a woman nearhand twenty gin this time, an' she
wudna be the same to me ava." An' the Smith lookit into the heart o'
the fire like's he had tint something; an' I saw his een fill.
"That's the minister's wey o' lookin' at the thing too, I think," said
the Gairner; "but I canna juist fathom't, I maun admit."
"There's something in what the Smith says," said Bandy; "but if there's
to be nae growin' ony aulder i' the next world, there'll be some fowk
'ill hae a gey trauchle. There was Mysie Wilkie's bairn that de'ed
doon there i' the Loan a fortnicht syne. It was a puir wammily-lookin'
cratur, an' was only but aucht days auld when it took bruntkadis an'
closed, juist in an 'oor or twa. Mysie, puir cratur, never kent. She
was brainish a' the time, an' she follow'd her bairnie twa days efter.
D'ye mean to tell me that Mysie 'ill be dwanged trailin' throo a'
eternity wi' a bit bairnie aucht days auld, an' it never gettin' even
the lenth o' bein' doakit, lat aleen growin' up to be able to tak' care
o'ts sel? The thing's no rizzenable."
"But there wud be plenty bit lassies to gie the bairn a hurl in a
coach," said the Tailor. "I dinna see hoo Mysie cudna get redd o' her
bairn for an' oor noo an' than."
"But that wud juist be a dwang to the lassies, syne," answered Bandy.
"That's a thing I've often thocht aboot mysel'," says Sandy; "an' the
only wey I cud mak' it oot was that a'body in heaven 'ill be juist i'
their prime. I've thocht to mysel' that a' the men folk wud be, say,
aboot thirty-five 'ear auld, or atween that an' forty, an' the weemin
mibby fower or five 'ear younger."
"An' wud they be a' ae size, d'ye think?" says Stumpie Mertin.
Stumpie's a tailor, ye see, an' I suppose he'd been winderin' aboot hoo
he wud manish wi' the measurin'.
"I canna say naething aboot the size," says Sandy; "it's the auldness
we're taen up aboot i' the noo."
"Na, na, Sandy; your wey o't 'ill no' do ava," said the Smith.
"There'll be bairns an' auld fowk in heaven as weel's here. Auld fowk
'ill no' get dune or dotal, like what they do i' this world,
undootedly; but there'll be young fowk for them to guide an' advise.
It wud be a puir wey o' doin', I'm thinkin', whaur naebody was wyzer
than his neeper, an' whaur ye wud never hae the chance o' doin' a
freend a gude turn."
"It's past my comprehension," said the Gairner. "Maist fowk thinks
it'll be a braw place, whaur there'll be nae trauchle or trouble wi'
onything; but I doot we maun juist tak' the Bible for't, lads, an' hae
faith that it'll be a' richt, whatever wey it comes aboot."
"There's ae thing, though, that I dinna haud wi' the minister in ava,"
said the Smith. "I canna thole the idea o' great croods o' stoot men
and weemin daidlin' aboot a' day doin' naething but singin' hymes.
I've often thocht aboot that, an' raley, Sandy, I dinna think I cud be
happy onywey if I didna hae my studio an' my hammer wi' me; for I'm
juist meeserable when I'm hingin' aboot idle. As for singin', I canna
sing a single bum. It's no' like the thing ava for weel-faur'd fowk to
do naething but trail aboot sing-singin' week-in week-oot. It may do
for litlans, an' precentir budies, like Mertin here; but able-bodied
fowk, wi' a' their faculties, cudna pet up wi't for a week, lat aleen
a' eternity."
Stumpie's an awfu' peppery budy, an' though the Smith leuch when he
made his joke at the tailor's precentin', Mertin got as raised as a
wasp, and he yattered back--"You'll maybe be better aff i' the ither
place, wi' your auld horse shune an' your smiddy reek, ye auld
acowder----"
"Toot, toot, Mertin; dinna get angry," says the Smith. "It was but a
joke, man. I've nae doot that I wud hardly be i' the right place amon'
angels an' sic like billies. But I tell ye what it is, I maun wirk for
my livin' in heaven as weel's here, if ever I get there. I cud never
pet aff my time gaen aboot doin' naething an' that's whaur I differ
frae the minister."
"But I think we're tell'd that there'll be mony mansions," says I; "an'
nae doubt there'll be mony kinds o' occupation too. There'll be a
chance for's a' bein' happy in oor ain wey, I'm thinkin'. I only wiss
we was sure we wud a' get there."
"Ah, Bawbie, lassie, that's whaur you're wyzer than the whole dollop
o's," says the Smith. "We're takin' up oor heids aboot a place we may
never get till; an', I'm thinkin', it'll be better for's a' to stick in
here an' do what's fair an' richt. If we mak' shure o' that, we may
lave a' the rest till a higher hand."
Mistress Kenawee landit in to see what had come ower Dauvid, an', dear
me, when I lookit at the tnock, here, it was five meenits to ten. We'd
been argeyin' that muckle aboot eternity, that we'd forgotten aboot the
time a'thegither.
V.
MISTRESS MIKAVER'S TEA PARTY.
I'll swag, mind ye, but the men's no' far wrang when they say that
weemin have most dreedfu' lang tongues. Dod, mind ye, but it's ower
troo; it's ower troo!
Mistress Mikaver wud hae me alang to a cup o' tea lest Teysday
efternune; so I gae my hands an' face a bit dicht, an' threw on my
Sabbath goon, an' awa' I gaed. I fell in wi' Mistress Kenawee on the
road, an', gin we landit, there was a gaitherin' o' wives like what you
wudda seen ony mornin' at the Mossy Wall afore the noo water supply was
brocht in aboot the toon.
Mysie Meldrum was there wi' a braw noo print frock on. Hand your
tongue! Five bawbees the yaird! I saw the very marrows o't in Hantin
the draper's remmindar winda. But, faigs, Mysie was prood o't, an' nae
mistak. It was made i' the first o' fashion, a' drawn i' the briest,
an' shuders as big's smokit hams, wi' Mysie's bit facie lookin' oot
atween them, like's she was sittin' in an auld-fashioned easychair.
But, of coorse, I never bather my heid aboot what wey fowk's dressed.
Mistress Mollison was juist as assorted as uswal. She'd as muckle on
as wudda dressed twa or three folk, an' she was ill-cled at that.
"What'll hae come o' her seal jeckit?" says Mistress Kenawee to me, wi'
a nudge, when we gaed ben the hoose to get oor things aff; but I said
naething, for, the fac' o' the maitter is, I thocht Mistress Kenawee a
fell sicht hersel'. There was a great target o' black braid hingin'
frae the tail o' her goon, an' the back seam o' her body was riven in
twa-three places. An' if the truth be tell'd, I wasna very braw
mysel'. Thinks I to mysel', as I've heard the Gairner's wife say, them
that hae riven breeks had better keep their seats.
Gairner Winton's wife was there, lookin' as happy an' impident as
uswal; an' Ribekka Steein cam' in juist as me an' Mistress Kenawee were
gettin' set doon amon' the rest. Mistress Mikaver was quite my leddy,
an' was rinnin' frae the teen to the tither o's juist terriple anxious
to mak's a' at hame, an' makin's a' meesirable. I windered that the
cratur didna gae heidlang ower some o' the stules she had sittin'
aboot; but she got through wi' a' her fairlies an' the tea maskit
withoot ony mishap, an' we got a' set roond the table for oor tea.
Mistress Mikaver had oot her mither's cheenie, an' a braw tablecloth,
o' her mither's ain spinnin' she tell'd's. She has an awfu' hoosefu'
o' stech, Mistress Mikaver; press efter press, an' kist efter kist fu'.
I ashure you, the lass that gets young Alek 'ill no want for providin'.
She had a'thing in fine order; it was a perfeck treat to sit doon; an'
I noticed a braw noo pentin' o' the scone-baker hung abune the chumla.
He maun hae left a fell feck o' bawbees, for I ashure ye his weeda has
a fu' hoose, an' aye plenty to do wi'.
Weel-a-weel, we had oor tea, as I was tellin' ye, an' a fine cup it
was. Eh, it's a nice thing a cup o' fresh tea. There's naething I
like better; it's that refreshin', especially if you've somebody to
crack till when you're at it. An', I'll swag, we didna weary for want
o' crackin' that efternune. The Gairner's wife an' Mysie Meldrum are
twa awfu' tagues for tongue; an' some o' the rest o's werena far to the
hent, I'm dootin'.
"Noo, juist see an' mak' yersels a' at hame," said Mistress Mikaver, in
her uswal fizzy kind o' wey.
"An', as the auld sayin' is, gin ye dinna like what's set doon, juist
tak' what ye brocht wi' ye," says Mistress Winton, an' set's a' to the
lauchin'. You never heard sic a cratur for thae auld-farrant sayin's;
an' Mysie's no' far ahent. Dod, they pappit ane anither wi' proverbs
juist like skule laddies wi' snawba's.
"There's Moses Certricht's wife awa' by there," says Mistress Kenawee,
pointin' oot at the winda. "She's a clorty, weirdless-lookin' cratur.
I'm dootin' Moses hasna muckle o' a hame wi' her, the gloidin' tawpie
'at she is."
"Eh, haud your tongue!" said Mistress Mollison. "The puir man's juist
fair hudden doon wi' her, the lazy, weirdless trail. But it's the
bairns I'm sorra for. Ye'll see them i' the mornin' gaen awa' berfit
to the skule, an' a seerip piece i' their hand, wi' fient o' hand or
face o' them washen, an' their claes as greasy as a cadger's pooch.
It's a winder to me 'at Moses disna tak' to drink."
"He has himsel' to blame," brook in the Gairner's wife. "She cam' o'
an ill breed. He kent what she was afore he married her. Ye canna
mak' a silk purse oot o' a soo's lug. Eh, na! Gin ye want a guid
sheaf, gang aye to a guid stook."
"You're richt there, Mistress Winton," said Mysie. "Tak' a cat o' your
ain kind an' it'll no' scart ye, my mither used to say; an' I'm shure
I've seen that come true of'en, of'en."
"They tell me," said Mistress Kenawee, "that Moses gie's her
seven-an'-twinty shillin's every week to keep her hoose wi'. What she
does wi't it beats me to mak' oot. Mony a mither wud be gled o' the
half o't i' the noo, an' wud feed an' deed half a dizzen bairns on't."
"But Moses is a fooshinless, hingin'-aboot kind o' a whaup," says I.
"The blame's mibby no' a' on ae side o' the hoose. There's lots o'
your braw billies ye wudna need to follow ower their ain doorstap.
When there's din an' dirt i' the hoose, the wife aye gets the dirdum.
Moses has ower muckle to say aboot the wife. She may be ill, but he's
no' the pairty to saw't like neep seed ower a' the countryside."
"You're richt there, Bawbie," said Mistress Winton. "I've tell'd Moses
that till's face afore the day. They're scarce o' noos that tells
their father was hanged."
"He's an ill man that blackgairds his wife, altho' she were the
deevil's sister," says Mysie; an' even Ribekka gae her moo a dicht, an'
whispered to hersel', "Eh, aye, that's a troo sayin'."
"I'll no' say a wird again' men," said Mistress Mikaver, "for Wellum
was a guid man to me"; an' she took a lang breth throo her nose, an'
lookit up at the picture abune the chumla. "I think I've seen Moses
the waur o' a dram; but he looks a quiet eneuch stock," gays she.
"He's some like my man," I strak in. "He's gey an' of'en oot aboot
when he shud be at hame. There's no' muckle hertnin' for a woman when
she's left to trauchle day oot day in wi' seven litlans, an' a
thrawn-gabbit footer o' a man juist comin' in at diet times, rennyin'
aboot first ae thing an' syne anither, threapin' that his porritch is
no' half boiled, simmerin' an' winterin' aboot haen to wait a meenit or
twa for his denner or his tea. Moses Certricht's a soor, nyattery bit
body, an' he tarragats the wife most unmercifu' aboot ilky little bit
kyowowy. She may be nae better than she's ca'd. She has nae throwpet
wi' her wark, an' she's terriple weirdless wi' her hoose; but she get's
michty little frae Moses to mend her--that's my opinion."
"Muckle aboot ane, Bawbie, as the deil said to the cobbler," says
Mysie. "I wudna say but you're mibby richt eneuch."
"Dawtit dochters mak' daidlin' wives," said the Gairner's wife. "She
was spoilt at hame, afore Moses saw her. Her mither thocht there was
nae lassies like hers, an' I'm shure she saired them hand an' fit. But
you'll of'en see't, that wirkin' mithers mak' feckless dochters. At
the same time, as my mither used of'en to say, an ill shearer never got
a guid heuk, an', I daursay, Moses an' his wife, as uswally occurs,
baith blame ane anither."
We feenisht oor tea, an' got set doon at the winda wi' oor stockin's
an' oor seams, juist to hae a richt corrieneuchin, as Mistress Winton
ca'd it. Mysie an' me were baith at ribbit socks, so we tried a stent
wi' ane anither. But Mysie's tongue gaed fully fester than her wires,
an' I'd raither the better o' her. She forgot a' aboot her intaks, an'
had her stockin' leg a guid bit ower lang when she cam' to the tnot on
her wirsit.
"A thochtless body's aye thrang," said the Gairner's wife, as Mysie
began to tak' doon what she'd wrocht.
"Toot ay," said Mysie. "Gin a budy be gaen doon the brae, ilky ane
'ill gie ye a gundy."
The twa keepit at it wi' their proverbs till I got akinda nervish, d'ye
ken. They were that terriple wyze, that, as fac's ocht, mind you, they
near drave some o' the rest o's daft.
"Did you hear tell that Ribekka here was genna get Jeems Ethart?" said
Mistress Mollison to the Gairner's wife, juist to get her on to Beek's
tap.
Ribekka blushed like a lassie o' fifteen, an' bringin' her tongue alang
her upper lip, she shook her heid an' says, "Juist a lot o' blethers.
Jeems wudna hae a puir thing like me."
"Ye dinna tell me!" said Mistress Winton, never lattin' wink she heard
Ribekka. "That's the wey o't is't? Imphm! What d'ye think o' that,
na? Weel dune, Ribekka. He's a fine coodie man, Jeems; an' he'll tak'
care o' Ribekka, the young taed. Wha wudda thocht it?"
Ribekka had her moo half fu' o' the lace on her saitin apron, an' was
enjoyin' the raggin' fine, altho' she was terriple putten aboot, wi'
her wey o't.
"Better sit still than rise up an' fa'," said Mysie. "Gin I were
Ribekka I'd bide my leen. I wud like to see the man that wud tak' me
oot o' my present state."
"He wudna need to be very parteeklar," says I, juist to gie Mysie a
backca'; for she was sailin' gey near the wind, I thocht. "When I was
young," I says, says I----
"Auld wives were aye gude maidens," the Gairner's wife strak in; an' I
saw I was cornered, an' said nae mair.
"An' a weeda man too!" said Mysie wi' a grumph. "Better keep the deil
atower the door than drive him oot o' the hoose."
"'Saut,' quo the souter, when he ate the soo, an' worried on the tail,"
was the Gairner's wife's comment; an' Mysie didna like it, I can tell
ye.
"You wasna in that wey o' thinkin' when Dossie Millar, the skulemester,
used to come an' coort you, when you was up-by at the Provost's," said
Ribekka to Mysie. "If it hadna been for the lid o' the water-barrel
gien wey yon nicht, you michta been skelpin' Dossie's bairns the
day--an' your ain too."
We a' took a hearty lauch at Ribekka's ootburst.
"Eh, that was a pliskie," said Mistress Kenawee. "Dossie got a gey
drookin' that nicht. They said it was ane o' the coachmen that was
efter Mysie that sawed the lid half throo; an' when Dossie climbed up
to hae his crack wi' Mysie at the winda, in he gaed up to the lugs.
The story was that Mysie fair lost her chance wi' him, wi' burstin' oot
lauchin' when he climbed oot o' the barrel soakin'-dreepin' throo an'
throo. He never got ower't, for it got oot aboot, an' the very bairns
at the skule began to ca' him the Drookit Dominie. He got a job at the
Druckendub skule, an' never lookit Mysie's airt again."
"You're grand crackers," said Mysie. "Ye ken a hankie mair than ever
happened; but, the man that cheats me ance, shame fa' him; gin he cheat
me twice, shame fa' me. That's my wey o' lookin' at things."
This kind o' raggin' at ane anither gaed on for the feck o' the
forenicht, an' we were juist i' the thick o' a' tirr-wirr aboot the
best cure for the kink-host, when the doonstairs door gaed clash to the
wa', an' in anither meenit in banged Sandy in his sark sleeves, an' his
hair fleein' like a bundle o' ravelled threed.
"Michty tak' care o' me, Sandy," says I, I says; "what's happened?"
"Aye the mair the merrier, but the fewer they fess the better," says
Mistress Winton.
"Wha's been meddlin' wi' you, Sandy?"
But fient a wird cud Sandy get oot. He was stanin' pechin' like a
podlie oot o' the watter, an' starin' roond him like a huntit dog.
"Fiddlers' dogs and fleshers' flees come to feasts unbidden," said
Mysie; but Sandy gae her a glower that garred her steek her moo gey
quick.
"What i' the earth's wrang, Sandy," I says, gien him a shak'.
"Wh-wh-whaur's the g-grund ceenimin, Bawbie?" says Sandy. "There's a
tinkler wife needin' a bawbee's-wirth, an' I've socht the shop heich
an' laich for't."
"Keep me, Sandy," says I, "is that what's brocht you here? You'll get
it in a mustard tin in the pepper drawer. But wha's i' the shop?"
"Oo, juist the tinkler wife," says Sandy.
"Weel, did you ever?" said Mistress Kenawee, haudin' up her hands.
"No!" said Sandy, turnin' to her gey ill-natured like. "Did you?"
"That's a type o' what ye ca' your men," says Mysie. "Weel, weel;
they're scarce o' cloots that mend their hose wi' dockens."
"Bliss my hert, Sandy, she'll be awa' wi' the till atore ye get back,"
I said. "Rin awa' yont as fest as your feet'll cairry ye."
"The fient a fear o' that," Sandy strak in. "I gae the pileeceman
tippence to stand at the door till I cam' back. I'm no' juist so
daft's a' that, yet."
"An' the tinkler wife wants a bawbee's wirth o' grund ceenimin?" said
the Gairner's wife. "That fair cows the cadger."
"I'll rin than," said Sandy. "I'll fa' in wi't a' richt noo; ye needna
hurry, Bawbie," he added, as he made his wey oot; an' syne wi' the door
in's hand, he says, "The pileeceman's in a hurry too, ye see. He has
to hurl hame Gairner Winton. He's lyin' alang in Famie Tabert's
public-hoose terriple foo"; an' awa' he floo, takin' the door to ahent
him wi' a blatter like thunder.
If you had seen Mistress Winton's face! It was a picture. She shogit
her heid frae side to side, wi' her moo shut, as if she wud never
open't again; but efter a whilie she spat oot twa-three wirds, juist
like's they'd been burnin' the tongue o' her. "A dog's tongue's nae
scandal," she yattered oot.
"Better the end o' a feast than the beginnin' o' a pley," said Mysie.
"We mauna lat onybody get cankered. Come awa' and sit doon, Mistress
Winton. Bawbie's man juist wantit a dab at ye. Dinna mistak' yersel';
the Gairner's as sober's a judge, I'se warrant."
But the crackin' wudna tak' the road somewey efter this. There was a
fell feck o' hostin', an' ow-ayin', an' so on; so I cam' my wa's hame
afore aucht o'clock, for I was juist sittin' on heckle-pins thinkin'
ilka meenit Sandy wud be comin' thrash in on's, roarin' he'd set the
parafin cask afeyre. I was gled when I got hame an' fand a'thing in
winderfu' order; although Sandy was gien Nathan coosies i' the shop
jumpin' ower the coonter wi' ane o' his hands in his pooch. It's juist
his wey, the cratur. He canna help it.
"Was the tinkler wife here when you cam' back?" I said to Sandy.
"Oo, ay," says he. "I gae her her ceenimin."
"There wudna be muckle profit oot o' that transaction, efter deduckin'
the pileeceman's tippence," I says, says I. "Hoo did ye no' juist say
that the grund ceenimin was a' dune?"
"'Cause that wudda been a lee," said Sandy.
"Weel, ye cud sen ye didna ken whaur it was," says I.
"That wudda lookit ridic'lous, an' me the mester o' the shop," said
Sandy.
"Weel, but d'ye no' see that it was ridic'lous to gie a pileeceman
tippence to watch a tinkler wife that wantit only a bawbee's-wirth o'
grund ceenimin," I says gey sharp till him.
"Better g'ie the pileeceman tippence than tak' the cratur afore the
shirra for stealin', an' mibby hae the toon peyin' a lot o' bawbees for
keepin' her in the gyle, forby railroad tickets for her and twa peelars
up to Dundee. That wudda been fully mair gin tippence," said Sandy.
Argeyin' wi' Sandy's juist like chasin' a whitterit in a drystane dyke.
When ye think you have him at ae hole, he juist pops throo anither.
Tach! When he's in thae argey-bargeyin' strums o' his, I canna be
bathered wi' him!
VI.
SANDY'S SECOND LESSON IN GEOMETRY.