XXIX

The carriage stopped at the barrier. A servant whom Madame Delmare

recognized as a man who had formerly been in Raymon's service came to

the door and asked where he should leave _madame_. Indiana instinctively

gave the name and street number of the lodging-house at which she had

slept the night before. On arriving there, she fell into a chair and

remained there until morning, without a thought of going to bed, without

moving, longing for death but too crushed, too inert to summon strength

to kill herself. She believed that it was impossible to live after such

terrible blows, and that death would of its own motion come in search of

her. She remained there all the following day, taking no sustenance,

making no reply to the offers of service that were made her.

I do not know that there is anything more horrible on earth than life in

a furnished lodging-house in Paris, especially when it is situated, as

this one was, in a dark, narrow street, and only a dull, hazy light

crawls regretfully, as it were, over the smoky ceilings and soiled

windows. And then there is something chilly and repellent in the sight

of the furniture to which you are unaccustomed and to which your idle

glance turns in vain for a memory, a touch of sympathy. All those

objects which belong, so to speak, to no one, because they belong to all

comers; that room where no one has left any trace of his passage save

now and then a strange name, found on a card in the mirror-frame; that

mercenary roof, which has sheltered so many poor travellers, so many

lonely strangers, with hospitality for none; which looks with

indifference upon so many human agitations and can describe none of

them: the discordant, never-ending noise from the street, which does not

even allow you to sleep and thus escape grief or ennui: all these are

causes of disgust and irritation even to one who does not bring to the

horrible place such a frame of mind as Madame Delmare's. You ill-starred

provincial, who have left your fields, your blue sky, your verdure, your

house and your family, to come and shut yourself up in this dungeon of

the mind and the heart--see Paris, lovely Paris, which in your dreams

has seemed to you such a marvel of beauty! see it stretch away yonder,

black with mud and rainy, as noisy and pestilent and rapid as a torrent

of slime! There is the perpetual revel, always brilliant and perfumed,

which was promised you; there are the intoxicating pleasures, the

wonderful surprises, the treasures of sight and taste and hearing which

were to contend for the possession of your passions and faculties, which

are of limited capacity and powerless to enjoy them all at once! See,

yonder, the affable, winning, hospitable Parisian, as he was described

to you, always in a hurry, always careworn! Tired out before you have

seen the whole of this ever-moving population, this inextricable

labyrinth, you take refuge, overwhelmed with dismay, in the cheerful

precincts of a furnished lodging-house, where, after hastily installing

you, the only servant of a house that is often of immense size leaves

you to die in peace, if fatigue or sorrow deprive you of the strength to

attend to the thousand necessities of life.

But to be a woman and to find oneself in such a place, spurned by

everybody, three thousand leagues from all human affection; to be

without money, which is much worse than being abandoned in a vast desert

without water; to have in all one's past not a single happy memory that

is not poisoned or withered, in the whole future not a single hope to

divert one's thoughts from the emptiness of the present, is the last

degree of misery and hopelessness. And so Madame Delmare, making no

attempt to contend against a destiny that was fulfilled, against a

broken, ruined life, submitted to the gnawings of hunger, fever and

sorrow without uttering a complaint, without shedding a tear, without

making an effort to die an hour earlier, to suffer an hour less.

They found her on the morning of the second day, lying on the floor,

stiff with cold, with clenched teeth, blue lips and lustreless eyes; but

she was not dead. The landlady examined her secretary and, seeing how

poorly supplied it was, considered whether the hospital was not the

proper place for this stranger, who certainly had not the means to pay

the expenses of a long and costly illness. However, as she was a woman

_overflowing with humanity_, she caused her to be put to bed and sent

for a doctor to ascertain if the illness would last more than a day or

two.

A doctor appeared who had not been sent for. Indiana, on opening her

eyes, found him beside her bed. I need not tell you his name.

"Oh! you here! you here!" she cried, throwing herself, almost fainting,

on his breast. "You are my good angel! But you come too late, and I can

do nothing for you except to die blessing you."

"You will not die, my dear," replied Ralph with deep emotion; "life may

still smile upon you. The laws which interfered with your happiness no

longer fetter your affection. I would have preferred to destroy the

invincible spell which a man whom I neither like nor esteem has cast

upon you; but that is not in my power, and I am tired of seeing you

suffer. Hitherto your life has been perfectly frightful; it cannot be

more so. Besides, even if my gloomy forebodings are realized and the

happiness of which you have dreamed is destined to be of short duration,

you will at least have enjoyed it for some little time, you will not die

without a taste of it. So I sacrifice all my repugnance and dislike. The

destiny which casts you, all alone as you are, into my arms, imposes

upon me the duties of a father and a guardian toward you. I come to tell

you that you are free and that you may unite your lot to Monsieur de

Ramière's. Delmare is no more."

Tears rolled slowly down Ralph's cheeks while he was speaking. Indiana

suddenly sat up in bed and cried, wringing her hands in despair:

"My husband is dead! and it was I who killed him! And you talk to me of

the future and happiness, as if such a thing were possible for the heart

that detests and despises itself! But be sure that God is just and that

I am cursed. Monsieur de Ramière is married."

She fell back, utterly exhausted, into her cousin's arms. They were

unable to resume conversation until several hours later.

"Your justly disturbed conscience may be set at rest," said Ralph, in a

solemn, but sad and gentle tone. "Delmare was at death's door when you

deserted him: he did not wake from the sleep in which you left him, he

never knew of your flight, he died without cursing you or weeping for

you. Toward morning, when I woke from the heavy sleep into which I had

fallen beside his bed, I found his face purple and he was burning hot

and breathing stertorously in his sleep; he was already stricken with

apoplexy. I ran to your room and was surprised not to find you there;

but I had no time to try to discover the explanation of your absence; I

was not seriously alarmed about it until after Delmare's death.

Everything that skill could do was of no avail, the disease progressed

with startling rapidity, and he died an hour later, in my arms, without

recovering the use of his senses. At the last moment, however, his

benumbed, clouded mind seemed to make an effort to come to life; he felt

for my hand which he took for yours--his were already stiff and numb--he

tried to press it, and died, stammering your name."

"I heard his last words," said Indiana gloomily; "at the moment that I

left him forever, he spoke to me in his sleep. 'That man will ruin you,'

he said. Those words are here," she added, putting one hand to her heart

and the other to her head.

"When I succeeded in taking my eyes and my thoughts from that dead

body," continued Ralph, "I thought of you; of you, Indiana, who were

free thenceforth, and who could not weep for your master unless from

kindness of heart or religious feeling. I was the only one whom his

death deprived of something, for I was his friend, and, even if he was

not always very sociable, at all events I had no rival in his heart. I

feared the effect of breaking the news to you too suddenly, and I went

to the door to wait for you, thinking that you would soon return from

your morning walk. I waited a long while. I will not attempt to describe

my anxiety, my search, and my alarm when I found Ophelia's body, all

bleeding and bruised by the rocks; the waves had washed it upon the

beach. I looked a long while, alas! expecting to discover yours; for I

thought that you had taken your own life, and for three days I believed

that there was nothing left on earth for me to love. It is useless to

speak of my grief; you must have foreseen it when you abandoned me.

"Meanwhile, a rumor that you had fled spread swiftly through the colony.

A vessel came into port that had passed the _Eugène_ in Mozambique

Channel; some of the ship's company had been aboard your ship. A

passenger had recognized you, and in less than three days the whole

island knew of your departure.

"I spare you the absurd and insulting reports that resulted from the

coincidence of those two events on the same night, your flight and your

husband's death. I was not spared in the charitable conclusions that

people amused themselves by drawing; but I paid no attention to them. I

had still one duty to perform on earth, to make sure of your welfare and

to lend you a helping hand if necessary. I sailed soon after you; but I

had a horrible voyage and have been in France only a week. My first

thought was to go to Monsieur de Ramière to inquire about you; but by

good luck I met his servant Carle, who had just brought you here. I

asked him no questions except where you were living, and I came here

with the conviction that I should not find you alone."

"Alone, alone! shamefully abandoned!" cried Madame Delmare. "But let us

not speak of that man, let us never speak of him. I can never love him

again, for I despise him; but you must not tell me that I once loved

him, for that reminds me of my shame and my crime; it casts a terrible

reproach upon my last moments. Ah! be my angel of consolation; you who

never fail to come and offer me a friendly hand in all the crises of my

miserable life. Fulfil with pity your last mission; say to me words of

affection and forgiveness, so that I may die at peace, and hope for

pardon from the Judge who awaits me on high."

She hoped to die; but grief rivets the chain of life instead of breaking

it. She was not even dangerously ill; she simply had no strength, and

lapsed into a state of languor and apathy which resembled imbecility.

Ralph tried to distract her; he took her away from everything that could

remind her of Raymon. He took her to Touraine, he surrounded her with

all the comforts of life; he devoted all his time to making a portion of

hers endurable; and when he failed, when he had exhausted all the

resources of his art and his affection without bringing a feeble gleam

of pleasure to that gloomy, careworn face, he deplored the powerlessness

of his words and blamed himself bitterly for the ineptitude of his

affection.

One day he found her more crushed and hopeless than ever. He dared not

speak to her, but sat down beside her with a melancholy air. Thereupon,

Indiana turned to him and said, pressing his hand tenderly:

"I cause you a vast deal of pain, poor Ralph! and you must be patient

beyond words to endure the spectacle of such egotistical, cowardly

misery as mine! Your unpleasant task was finished long ago. The most

insanely exacting woman could not ask of friendship more than you have

done for me. Now leave me to the misery that is gnawing at my heart; do

not spoil your pure and holy life by contact with an accursed life; try

to find elsewhere the happiness which cannot exist near me."

"I do in fact give up all hope of curing you, Indiana," he replied; "but

I will never abandon you even if you should tell me that I annoy you;

for you still require bodily care, and if you are not willing that I

should be your friend, I will at all events be your servant. But listen

to me; I have an expedient to propose to you which I have kept in

reserve for the last stage of the disease, but which certainly is

infallible."

"I know but one remedy for sorrow," she replied, "and that is

forgetting; for I have had time to convince myself that argument is

unavailing. Let us hope everything from time, therefore. If my will

could obey the gratitude which you inspire in me, I should be now as

cheerful and calm as in the days of our childhood; believe me, my

friend, I take no pleasure in nourishing my trouble and inflaming my

wound; do I not know that all my sufferings rebound on your heart? Alas!

I would like to forget, to be cured! but I am only a weak woman. Ralph,

be patient and do not think me ungrateful."

She burst into tears. Sir Ralph took her hand.

"Listen, dear Indiana," he said; "to forget is not in our power; I do

not accuse you! I can suffer patiently; but to see you suffer is beyond

my strength. Indeed, why should we struggle thus, weak creatures that we

are, against a destiny of iron? It is quite enough to drag this

cannon-ball; the God whom you and I adore did not condemn man to undergo

so much misery without giving him the instinct to escape from it; and

what constitutes, in my opinion, man's most marked superiority over the

brute is his ability to understand what the remedy is for all his ills.

The remedy is suicide; that is what I propose, what I advise."

"I have often thought of it," Indiana replied after a short silence.

"Long ago I was violently tempted to resort to it, but religious

scruples arrested me. Since then my ideas have reached a higher level,

in solitude. Misfortune clung to me and gradually taught me a different

religion from that taught by men. When you came to my assistance I had

determined to allow myself to die of hunger; but you begged me to live,

and I had not the right to refuse you that sacrifice. Now, what holds me

back is your existence, your future. What will you do all alone, poor

Ralph, without family, without passions, without affections? Since I

have received these horrible wounds in my heart I am no longer good for

anything to you; but perhaps I shall recover. Yes, Ralph, I will do my

utmost, I swear. Have patience a little longer; soon, perhaps, I shall

be able to smile. I long to become tranquil and light-hearted once more

in order to devote to you this life for which you have fought so stoutly

with misfortune."

"No, my dear, no; I do not desire such a sacrifice; I will never accept

it," said Ralph. "Wherein is my life more precious than yours, pray? Why

must you inflict a hateful future upon yourself in order that mine may

be pleasant? Do you think that it will be possible for me to enjoy it

while feeling that your heart has no share in it? No, I am not so

selfish as that. Let us not attempt, I beg you, an impossible heroism;

it is overweening pride and presumption to hope to renounce all

self-love thus. Let us view our situation calmly and dispose of our

remaining days as common property which neither of us has the right to

appropriate at the other's expense. For a long time, ever since my

birth, I may say, life has been a bore and a burden to me; now I no

longer feel the courage to endure it without bitterness of heart and

impiety. Let us go together; let us return to God, who exiled us in this

world of trials, in this vale of tears, but who will surely not refuse

to open His arms to us when, bruised and weary, we go to Him and implore

His indulgence and His mercy. I believe in God, Indiana, and it was I

who first taught you to believe in Him. So have confidence in me; an

upright heart cannot deceive one who questions it with sincerity. I feel

that we have both suffered enough here on earth to be cleansed of our

sins. The baptism of unhappiness has surely purified our souls

sufficiently; let us give them back to Him who gave them."

This idea engrossed Ralph and Indiana for several days, at the end of

which it was decided that they should commit suicide together. It only

remained to choose what sort of death they would die.

"It is a matter of some importance," said Ralph; "but I have already

considered it, and this is what I have to suggest. The act that we are

about to undertake not being the result of a momentary mental

aberration, but of a deliberate determination formed after calm and

pious reflection, it is important that we should bring to it the

meditative seriousness of a Catholic receiving the sacraments of his

Church. For us the universe is the temple in which we adore God. In the

bosom of majestic, virgin nature we are impressed by the consciousness

of His power, pure of all human profanation. Let us go back to the

desert, therefore, so that we may be able to pray. Here, in this country

swarming with men and vices, in the bosom of this civilization which

denies God or disfigures Him, I feel that I should be ill at ease,

distraught and depressed. I would like to die cheerfully, with a serene

brow and with my eyes gazing heavenward. But where can we find heaven

here? I will tell you, therefore, the spot where suicide appeared to me

in its noblest and most solemn aspect. It is in Ile Bourbon, on the

verge of a precipice, on the summit of the cliff from which the

transparent cascade, surmounted by a gorgeous rainbow, plunges into the

lonely ravine of Bernica. That is where we passed the sweetest hours of

our childhood; that is where I bewailed the bitterest sorrows of my

life; that is where I learned to pray, to hope; that is where I would

like, during one of the lovely nights of that latitude, to bury myself

in those pure waters and go down into the cool, flower-decked grave

formed by the depths of the verdure-lined abyss. If you have no

predilection for any other spot, give me the satisfaction of offering up

our twofold sacrifice on the spot which witnessed the games of our

childhood and the sorrows of our youth."

"I agree," said Madame Delmare, placing her hand in Ralph's to seal the

compact. "I have always been drawn to the banks of the stream by an

invincible attraction, by the memory of my poor Noun. To die as she died

will be sweet to me; it will be an atonement for her death, which I

caused."

"Moreover," said Ralph, "another sea voyage, made under the influence of

other feelings than those which have agitated us hitherto, is the best

preparation we could imagine for communing with ourselves, for detaching

ourselves from earthly affections, for raising ourselves in unalloyed

purity to the feet of the Supreme Being. Isolated from the whole world,

always ready to leave this life with glad hearts, we shall watch with

enchanted eyes the tempest arouse the elements and unfold its

magnificent spectacles before us. Come, Indiana, let us go; let us shake

the dust of this ungrateful land from our feet. To die here, under

Raymon's eyes, would be to all appearance a mere commonplace, cowardly

revenge. Let us leave that man's punishment to God; and let us go and

beseech Him to open the treasures of His mercy to that barren and

ungrateful heart."

They left France. The schooner _Nahandove_, as fleet and nimble as a

bird, bore them to their twice-abandoned country. Never was there so

pleasant and fast a passage. It seemed as if a favorable wind had

undertaken to guide safely into port those two ill-fated beings who had

been tossed about so long among the reefs and shoals of life. During

those three months Indiana reaped the fruit of her docile compliance

with Ralph's advice. The sea air, so bracing and so penetrating,

restored her impaired health; a wave of peace overflowed her wearied

heart. The certainty that she would soon have done with her sufferings

produced upon her the effect of a doctor's assurances upon a credulous

patient. Forgetting her past life, she opened her heart to the profound

emotions of religious hope. Her thoughts were all impregnated with a

mysterious charm, a celestial perfume. Never had the sea and sky seemed

to her so beautiful. It seemed to her that she saw them for the first

time, she discovered so many new splendors and glories in them. Her brow

became serene once more, and one would have said that a ray of the

Divine essence had passed into her sweetly melancholy eyes.

A change no less extraordinary took place in Ralph's soul and in his

outward aspect; the same causes produced almost the same results. His

heart, so long hardened against sorrow, softened in the revivifying

warmth of hope. Heaven descended also into that bitter, wounded heart.

His words took on the stamp of his feelings and for the first time

Indiana became acquainted with his real character. The reverent, filial

intimacy that bound them together took from the one his painful shyness,

from the other her unjust prejudices. Every day cured Ralph of some

_gaucherie_ of his nature, Indiana of some error of her judgment. At the

same time the painful memory of Raymon faded away and gradually vanished

in face of Ralph's unsuspected virtues, his sublime sincerity. As the

one grew greater in her estimation, the other fell away. At last, by

dint of comparing the two men, every vestige of her blind and fatal love

was effaced from her heart.