_Sergeant Kite_ (_continuing_). Then you must remember that we are
exceedingly generous in the matter of rations.
_Possible Recruit_ (_pained_). _Rations_! I suppose you mean _courses_! I
find that in all the large firms in London the assistants have a dinner of
six courses served, with cigars and coffee to follow. I couldn't think of
joining the Army unless I had the same.
_Sergeant K._ (_with suppressed emotion_). If it must be so, then it must.
Who's to pay the piper, _I_ don't know! The Public, I suppose.
_P. R._ I should think so! Then as to drills. Really the number of these
useless formalities should be largely decreased, and the hours at which
they are held should be fixed with greater regard to the convenience of
private soldiers. By the bye, of course I need hardly mention that I should
not dream of enlisting unless it was agreed that I should never be called
before 9.30 A.M. My early cup of tea and shaving-water might be brought to
me at nine.
_Sergeant K._ (_after an interval_). Called! Early cup of tea! Shaving-
water! Oh, this is _too_ much!
_P.R._ (_coolly_). Not at all, my dear Sir, not half enough. There are
other points I wish to mention. For example, do you allow feather-beds?
_Sergeant K._ Feather-beds!
_P.R._ Yes. A _sine quâ non_, I assure you. Then as to pay and pensions,
and length of service. I would only accept an engagement by the month, with
liberty to terminate it at any time with a week's notice.
_Sergeant K._ (_with sarcasm_). And you would wish to retire at a week's
notice if war were declared?
_P.R._ (_surprised_). Certainly! Why not? "Peace with Honour" would be my
motto. As to pay, of course you know what I could get if I went in for
civil employment?
_Sergeant K._ No, I don't, and I don't see what that has to do with it. You
surely would not compare the QUEEN'S service with the work of a beggarly
counter-jumper?
_P.R._ Yes, I would. And as I could earn five shillings a-day easily in a
shop, why, you will have to give me that, with a pension (as I might do
better) of ten shillings a-day after six years' service.
_Sergeant K._ Any other point you would like to mention?
_P.R._ Yes, there is one other. Why should a labourer be able to get
damages from his employer when injured, and a soldier be unable? The
principle of the Employers' Liability Act must be extended to the Army, so
that if any Commanding Officer made some stupid blunder in battle, as he
probably would do, and I were to be hurt in consequence, I might sue him
when we got back to England. You understand my point?
_Sergeant K._ Oh, quite! But what would there be to prevent every soldier
present at the battle from suing also?
_P.R._ Nothing at all. Of course they _would_ all sue. So no General must
be permitted to go into action without first of all depositing in the High
Court at home security for costs if defeated,--say half a million or so.
_Sergeant K._ (_with forced politeness_). Well, I'm glad to have heard your
views. I'll mention them to my Colonel. They are sure to please him.
_P.R._ Yes, but don't keep me waiting long for his reply. My offer only
remains open till to-morrow morning.
_Sergeant K._ Oh--!
[_The remainder of the gallant_ Sergeant's _observations are not necessary
for publication, neither would they be accepted as a guarantee of his good
faith. Exit to recruit._
* * * * *
"THE RING AND THE BOOK."
[Illustration]
FROM very early days, the days, or nights, of _The Battle of Waterloo_ and
_Scenes in the Circle_, with the once-renowned WIDDICOMB as Master of the
Ring, _Mr. Punch_ has ever been particularly fond of the old-fashioned
equestrian entertainment. The Ring to which he has just made allusion is,
it need hardly be added, The Circus, and The Book is a novel by Miss AMYE
READE. _Mr. P._ is not sweet upon any gymnastic and acrobatic shows in
which the chances of danger appear, and probably are, as ten to one against
the performer; and especially does he object to children of very tender
years being utilised in order to earn money for their parents or guardians
by exhibiting their precocious agility. _Mr. P._ approves of the ancient
use of the birch as practised at Eton a quarter of a century ago, and he is
quite of the Wise Man's opinion as to the evil consequences of sparing the
rod; which proverbial teaching, had it been practically and judiciously
applied to Master SOLOMON himself (the ancient King, not the modern
Composer) in his earliest years, would probably have prevented his going so
utterly to the bad in the latter part of his life. So much, as far as
corporal punishment is concerned, for the education of youth, whether in or
out of the circus school. But girls, as well as boys, are trained for this
circus business, gaining their livelihood by acrobatic performances. Does
_Mr. Punch_, representing the public generally, quite approve of this
portion of circus and acrobatic training? To this he can return only a
qualified answer. His approval would depend, first, on the natural but
extraordinary capability of the female pupil, and, secondly, the method of
training her. As a rule, he would prefer to keep her out of it altogether:
and, as to the boys, he certainly would defer their public appearance until
they were at least sixteen; their previous training having been under the
supervision of a responsible inspector. Then as to the training of animals
for the circus business. If the training system means "all done by
kindness," that is, by unflinching firmness and a just application of a
considerately devised system of equally balanced rewards and punishments,
then _Mr. P._ approves; but where cruelty comes in, whether in the training
of child or beast, _Mr. Punch_ would have such trainer of youth punished as
_Nicholas Nickleby_ punished _Squeers_, in addition to imprisonment and
fine; and for cruelty to dumb animals _Mr. P._ would order the garotter's
punishment and plenty of it. Having professed this faith, _Mr. Punch_,
after thus "arguing in a Circle," returns to his starting-point, and would
like to know how much of truth there is in Miss AYME READE'S story
entitled, _Slaves of the Sawdust_? As literature it is poor stuff, but as
written with a purpose, and that purpose the exposing of alleged systematic
cruelty in training children and dumb animals for the circus-equestrian
acrobatic life, the book should not only attract general notice, but should
also lead to a Commission of inquiry, or to some united action of all
responsible circus-managers against the author of this work, which would
result in either the said managers or the authoress being "brought to
book." _Mr. Punch_ hath spoken. _Verb. sap._
* * * * *
-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.