SCENE--_A Theatre with Audience and Company complete. The former
"smart" and languidly enthusiastic, the last wearily looking forward to
the final "Curtain." The last Act is all but over._
_Servant_ (_to_ Countess). The Duchess of BATTERSEA is in the Hall. May she
come up?
_Countess._ Certainly. Why did you not show her up at once?
_Servant_ (_arranging his powdered hair in a glass_). Because in cases of
exposure her Grace is quite equal to showing up herself!
_Countess_ (_smiling_). You are cynical, JOHN. Do you not know that
cynicism is the birthright of fools, and, when discovered, is more than
half found out?
_Servant_ (_taking up coal scuttle_). Like the hair of your Lady-ship--out
of curl! [_Exit._
_Countess._ A quaint conceit; but here is my husband. Let me avoid him. A
married man is quite out of date--save when he forms the subject of his own
obituary. [_Exit._
_A pause. Enter the_ Duchess of BATTERSEA.
_Duchess._ Dear me! No one here! So I might have brought the Duke with me,
after all! And yet he is so fond of the petticoats. He loses his head when
he begins kissing his hand. And I lose my head when I fail to catch a
'buss. A kiss with him and a 'buss with me--where's the difference?
_Enter_ Earl PENNYPLAINE.
_Earl_ (_angrily_). You here!
_Duchess_ (_with an appealing gesture_). You are not pleased to see me! You
regard me as an adventuress! You are ashamed of my past! A past unblessed
by a clergyman--in fact, a past without a pastor!
_Earl._ Begone! Do not dare to darken my doors again. This is no home for
old jokes!
_Duchess._ You must hear me. Do you know why I have treated you so badly?
Do you know why I have taught your wife to regard me as a rival? Why I have
blackmailed you to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds? Do you know
why I have done all this and more? I will tell you. Because I am your
Mother-in-law!
_Earl_ (_in a choking voice_). I suspected as much from the very first!
_Re-enter the_ Countess, _carrying a heap of family portraits._
[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT.